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1
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So, all the insecurities
you've written down
2
00:00:03,236 --> 00:00:04,841
are in the fireplace.
3
00:00:05,145 --> 00:00:07,655
And now it's time to get rid of them
4
00:00:07,657 --> 00:00:10,133
in a baptism of fire.
5
00:00:13,187 --> 00:00:15,421
Yeah, I gotta tell ya,
I'm having second thoughts.
6
00:00:15,423 --> 00:00:17,531
I was nailing these shots
from the stairs last night,
7
00:00:17,533 --> 00:00:19,238
but I don't know.
8
00:00:20,179 --> 00:00:23,679
Come on, Charlie. Let's burn
this place to the ground.
9
00:00:23,681 --> 00:00:25,437
Geronimo!
10
00:00:26,242 --> 00:00:28,414
Yeah, that just sealed
the deal. Arrows down.
11
00:00:32,306 --> 00:00:34,607
All right, well, we still
have a few minutes left.
12
00:00:34,609 --> 00:00:36,404
Anybody have anything they want to share?
13
00:00:36,406 --> 00:00:38,279
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
14
00:00:38,281 --> 00:00:40,234
I'm dating Tiffer Scranson.
15
00:00:41,273 --> 00:00:43,062
Tiffer Scranson.
16
00:00:43,554 --> 00:00:45,164
Tiffer Scranson!
17
00:00:46,039 --> 00:00:48,958
Lacey, saying it louder isn't
gonna make us know who it is.
18
00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:50,636
Tiffer Scranson!
19
00:00:51,328 --> 00:00:52,875
Okay, you're not gonna believe this,
20
00:00:52,877 --> 00:00:55,187
but I think I just figured
out who she's talking about.
21
00:00:56,109 --> 00:00:57,904
He's the music producer, right?
22
00:00:57,906 --> 00:01:01,498
Yeah, and he's taking me to
the MTV Video Music Awards.
23
00:01:01,500 --> 00:01:04,534
Charlie: That's great, Lacey. You
finally met someone substantial.
24
00:01:04,536 --> 00:01:07,154
- What's he like?
- Oh, there's gonna be a red carpet,
25
00:01:07,156 --> 00:01:09,685
an after party, and a swag bag.
26
00:01:09,773 --> 00:01:11,890
Oh, he sounds terrific.
27
00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:14,654
Oh, my God, the red carpet?!
28
00:01:14,656 --> 00:01:16,685
Please let me design your dress.
29
00:01:16,687 --> 00:01:19,216
Are you sure you want to design her dress?
30
00:01:19,218 --> 00:01:22,609
It'll just end up in a ball
on the floor of a limousine.
31
00:01:23,894 --> 00:01:26,145
I don't care. This could
jumpstart my career.
32
00:01:26,601 --> 00:01:29,880
I just can't do it, Patrick.
It's too much to ask.
33
00:01:29,882 --> 00:01:31,765
And so, you're a nobody.
34
00:01:32,445 --> 00:01:37,123
Please, I will do anything to get this.
I'll even do what's his name's tux.
35
00:01:37,125 --> 00:01:39,765
(imitating Lacey) Tiffer Scranson!
36
00:01:40,656 --> 00:01:42,990
What? Isn't that how
you're supposed to say it?
37
00:01:45,601 --> 00:01:48,755
Charlie, I want you to
meet my friend Kelly.
38
00:01:48,757 --> 00:01:50,446
Hi, Kelly. Nice to meet you.
39
00:01:50,448 --> 00:01:54,904
We were sorority sisters at Alpha
Chi and she's moving back to L.A.
40
00:01:54,906 --> 00:01:56,365
You were in a sorority?
41
00:01:56,367 --> 00:01:58,453
(flatly) I'm absolutely shocked.
42
00:01:59,085 --> 00:02:01,169
Charlie, don't ask about the song.
43
00:02:01,171 --> 00:02:02,615
He doesn't have to.
44
00:02:02,617 --> 00:02:03,896
Alpha Chi till the day we die
45
00:02:03,898 --> 00:02:05,427
You're gonna like our apple pie
46
00:02:05,429 --> 00:02:08,130
We're hot, we're funny,
our disposition's sunny...
47
00:02:08,132 --> 00:02:09,914
I thought you were gonna do that with me.
48
00:02:10,734 --> 00:02:12,320
Not while I'm sober.
49
00:02:13,460 --> 00:02:15,006
Hey, I'm sober.
50
00:02:15,008 --> 00:02:17,328
And you did that anyway. Good for you.
51
00:02:18,559 --> 00:02:21,125
Hey, the three of us are going to
the bar tonight to watch the game,
52
00:02:21,127 --> 00:02:23,261
so I was thinking if you weren't
doing anything, you should come.
53
00:02:24,189 --> 00:02:25,796
Please, for the love of God.
54
00:02:27,195 --> 00:02:28,609
Sure, I don't have any plans.
55
00:02:28,611 --> 00:02:30,029
- Okay.
- Great.
56
00:02:30,031 --> 00:02:31,943
So, Kelly, what brings you back to L.A.?
57
00:02:31,945 --> 00:02:33,982
The music business. I'm a song writer.
58
00:02:33,984 --> 00:02:35,951
Plus, I've been wanting to see Jordan
59
00:02:35,953 --> 00:02:39,187
ever since I read in the Alpha Chi
newsletter that her husband left her.
60
00:02:39,492 --> 00:02:41,712
Who would put that in there?
61
00:02:41,714 --> 00:02:43,214
You did.
62
00:02:44,738 --> 00:02:46,238
Nobody kept in touch with me.
63
00:02:47,612 --> 00:02:49,663
The divorce must have been really tough.
64
00:02:49,665 --> 00:02:53,142
Ugh, I can't imagine what that's
like. I've never been dumped.
65
00:02:53,144 --> 00:02:55,803
I guess I'm just lucky in love.
66
00:02:56,203 --> 00:02:57,986
That's what makes you so special.
67
00:02:59,810 --> 00:03:01,310
Oh, hold on. I have a call.
68
00:03:02,960 --> 00:03:06,318
Aunt Betty? No, I'm not on my way.
69
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,781
Oh, my God. That is today?
70
00:03:09,140 --> 00:03:11,109
I will be there as soon as I can.
71
00:03:12,664 --> 00:03:14,279
Kelly, I am so sorry.
72
00:03:14,281 --> 00:03:15,724
I promised my aunt that Sean and I
73
00:03:15,726 --> 00:03:18,021
would go to my cousin's
Nordic folk dance recital.
74
00:03:18,023 --> 00:03:20,179
That sounds great. Have a good time.
75
00:03:20,382 --> 00:03:22,865
You're going with me. But you
guys should still watch the game.
76
00:03:22,867 --> 00:03:26,341
- Is that okay with you guys?
- I'm fine with it as long as Charlie is.
77
00:03:26,343 --> 00:03:28,662
Oh, I'm good as long as you're
not gonna be all bummed out
78
00:03:28,664 --> 00:03:31,764
about missing the emotional thrill
ride of the Danish dance-off.
79
00:03:32,484 --> 00:03:34,451
It's Nordic, not Danish.
80
00:03:34,453 --> 00:03:36,857
And "dance-off" implies
exciting competition.
81
00:03:36,859 --> 00:03:39,130
This is merely a three-hour clogging
82
00:03:39,132 --> 00:03:41,695
and snowshoe dance exhibition.
83
00:03:42,617 --> 00:03:45,311
Oh, God, please don't make
me go. I'll do anything.
84
00:03:46,125 --> 00:03:47,466
You're going.
85
00:03:47,468 --> 00:03:49,762
Charlie, can I talk to you
for a minute in the other room?
86
00:03:49,764 --> 00:03:51,730
It's about the clinic.
87
00:03:53,873 --> 00:03:56,367
Listen, about the clinic,
88
00:03:56,734 --> 00:04:00,029
the booze in my desk was because
it was Jerry the guard's birthday
89
00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:02,099
and the bullet holes in your desk
90
00:04:02,101 --> 00:04:05,195
were because we got a little
drunk and he let me try his gun.
91
00:04:06,609 --> 00:04:08,021
Don't sleep with Kelly.
92
00:04:08,023 --> 00:04:10,521
Oh, good. I thought this
was about something else.
93
00:04:10,523 --> 00:04:14,052
Look, Kelly just moved to
town and you're my partner.
94
00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:16,037
I don't want it to be
awkward when we hang out.
95
00:04:16,039 --> 00:04:17,685
Oh, come on, Jordan.
96
00:04:17,687 --> 00:04:19,695
It's always gonna be
awkward when we hang out.
97
00:04:20,078 --> 00:04:22,648
It's not your fault. I'm
much cooler than you are.
98
00:04:22,828 --> 00:04:25,568
Not you and me, me and her.
99
00:04:25,570 --> 00:04:27,490
Oh, well, then that's gonna
be awkward no matter what
100
00:04:27,492 --> 00:04:29,522
'cause she's much cooler than you, too.
101
00:04:30,062 --> 00:04:33,726
- Charlie.
- Okay, okay. I won't hit on her.
102
00:04:35,093 --> 00:04:36,474
And by the way,
103
00:04:36,476 --> 00:04:39,578
it's not my fault that every person
in your life is attracted to me.
104
00:04:39,580 --> 00:04:41,080
I'm the victim here.
105
00:04:41,735 --> 00:04:43,336
S02E74
"Charlie Pledges a Sorority Sister"
106
00:04:43,337 --> 00:04:46,000
Sync & corrections by solfieri
www.addic7ed.com
107
00:04:46,388 --> 00:04:47,414
Okay, you know what?
108
00:04:47,416 --> 00:04:51,029
I'm online looking at a clip
of a Nordic dance recital.
109
00:04:51,031 --> 00:04:53,029
I've never seen white
people move like this before.
110
00:04:53,031 --> 00:04:54,597
I'm actually really looking forward to it.
111
00:04:55,187 --> 00:04:57,482
You cannot tell Charlie this,
112
00:04:57,484 --> 00:05:01,164
but I made the whole thing up so
Charlie and Kelly could be alone.
113
00:05:01,390 --> 00:05:03,349
That way, Charlie can
do what he always does...
114
00:05:03,351 --> 00:05:04,857
sleep with her, find
something wrong with her,
115
00:05:04,859 --> 00:05:06,537
and then never call her again.
116
00:05:06,765 --> 00:05:08,419
Okay, are you doing this
for Charlie's birthday?
117
00:05:08,421 --> 00:05:10,062
Because I didn't get him anything.
118
00:05:10,976 --> 00:05:13,896
Somehow, every guy that slept with Kelly
119
00:05:13,898 --> 00:05:15,919
fell in love with her and never dumped her.
120
00:05:15,921 --> 00:05:19,208
But whenever I was dumped, she went
out of her way to rub my face in it.
121
00:05:19,210 --> 00:05:22,435
"Wow, dumped again. That must
suck. I just can't relate."
122
00:05:22,437 --> 00:05:24,632
Well, now you're gonna relate, bitch.
123
00:05:26,015 --> 00:05:29,529
That's incredibly vengeful and petty.
124
00:05:29,531 --> 00:05:32,312
I know. It's horrible and I'm not proud.
125
00:05:32,585 --> 00:05:34,656
But it feels really good and I like it.
126
00:05:38,570 --> 00:05:40,406
Hey, I got your dress.
127
00:05:41,593 --> 00:05:44,091
Hang on, I'm having a
little issue with Tiffer.
128
00:05:44,093 --> 00:05:46,867
Oh, tell him I really
appreciate this opportunity.
129
00:05:46,869 --> 00:05:49,812
Okay. Screw you, you son of a bitch!
130
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,796
And I can't wait to meet him.
131
00:05:53,905 --> 00:05:56,843
You cheated on me and I
never want to see you again!
132
00:05:58,531 --> 00:06:00,984
So I got your dress.
133
00:06:01,529 --> 00:06:04,140
How could he do this to me?
When I called him last night,
134
00:06:04,142 --> 00:06:06,640
I could hear he was at a
concert with another woman.
135
00:06:06,642 --> 00:06:08,531
Oh, my God, that sucks.
136
00:06:08,533 --> 00:06:09,796
But you're still going
to the awards, right?
137
00:06:09,798 --> 00:06:12,234
What? No, I am done with him.
138
00:06:12,236 --> 00:06:13,869
He couldn't even come
up with a good excuse.
139
00:06:13,871 --> 00:06:16,593
He said he was at home listening
to a concert on YouTube.
140
00:06:16,595 --> 00:06:18,039
Maybe he was.
141
00:06:18,041 --> 00:06:20,453
Do you know how many times
142
00:06:20,455 --> 00:06:23,367
I have been falsely accused
of going to a concert
143
00:06:23,369 --> 00:06:25,093
when really I was at home
144
00:06:25,314 --> 00:06:26,937
listening to YouTube?
145
00:06:28,148 --> 00:06:29,546
You're just saying that
146
00:06:29,548 --> 00:06:31,453
because you want me to go
to the awards show with him
147
00:06:31,455 --> 00:06:33,989
so that he'll wear your tux
and I'll wear your dress.
148
00:06:33,991 --> 00:06:36,914
No, I wasn't even thinking about the dress.
149
00:06:36,916 --> 00:06:38,585
I am thinking about you
150
00:06:38,587 --> 00:06:41,781
and how you need to commit to
a relationship for a change.
151
00:06:42,554 --> 00:06:43,986
Maybe you're right.
152
00:06:43,988 --> 00:06:45,632
I'll give him the weekend
to miss my cleavage
153
00:06:45,634 --> 00:06:48,171
and then when he gets back from
the awards show, we'll work it out.
154
00:06:48,523 --> 00:06:50,515
Or you could
155
00:06:50,517 --> 00:06:52,710
get back together with him right now
156
00:06:52,712 --> 00:06:55,631
and break up with that
girl who does your eyebrows.
157
00:06:56,070 --> 00:06:57,851
She's the one who can't be trusted.
158
00:07:02,326 --> 00:07:05,179
- Hey.
- Hey. How'd it go with Kelly last night?
159
00:07:05,181 --> 00:07:07,164
You guys get along?
160
00:07:07,166 --> 00:07:10,226
Charlie.
Oh, hey, Sean.
161
00:07:10,695 --> 00:07:13,265
Yeah, we found a couple
of things in common.
162
00:07:14,276 --> 00:07:16,027
Thanks for the coffee, sweetie.
163
00:07:16,325 --> 00:07:18,959
I'm gonna go upstairs to get dressed.
164
00:07:18,961 --> 00:07:20,710
Okay, see you soon.
165
00:07:21,059 --> 00:07:22,559
You're the best.
166
00:07:25,101 --> 00:07:28,604
- I can't stand her.
- What?
167
00:07:28,606 --> 00:07:30,937
We actually have nothing in common.
168
00:07:30,939 --> 00:07:33,210
Unless she doesn't like
being around her either.
169
00:07:34,927 --> 00:07:37,640
- I can't believe this worked.
- What worked?
170
00:07:37,642 --> 00:07:39,539
Nothing.
171
00:07:40,211 --> 00:07:41,945
- What is up with you?
- Up with me?
172
00:07:41,947 --> 00:07:43,530
Nothing is up with me.
173
00:07:43,532 --> 00:07:46,819
It is you with whom things are up.
174
00:07:48,750 --> 00:07:51,554
Okay, now I know something is going on.
175
00:07:51,556 --> 00:07:53,671
You just used the word "whom" properly.
176
00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:56,473
All right, don't tell her I told you...
177
00:07:56,475 --> 00:07:59,562
Jordan has a sorority girl
vendetta against Kelly.
178
00:07:59,564 --> 00:08:02,601
Kelly's never been dumped before and
Jordan wants her to know how it feels.
179
00:08:02,603 --> 00:08:05,234
But why would she tell
me not to sleep with her?
180
00:08:05,236 --> 00:08:06,468
I don't know.
181
00:08:06,470 --> 00:08:09,617
It's some reverse cowgirl psychology.
182
00:08:10,221 --> 00:08:11,907
Reverse psychology.
183
00:08:11,909 --> 00:08:14,406
Whatever, dude. If you
wanna take the fun out of it.
184
00:08:18,143 --> 00:08:21,726
I cannot believe that Jordan thinks
I'm so predictable that she can use me.
185
00:08:21,922 --> 00:08:24,540
Well, screw that. I am not dumping Kelly.
186
00:08:24,542 --> 00:08:27,937
I'll spend the next 50 years suffering
with that annoying weirdo if I have to.
187
00:08:27,939 --> 00:08:31,070
And then... then we'll see
who's smarter than whom.
188
00:08:31,699 --> 00:08:33,782
- Jordan: Charlie.
- That's Jordan.
189
00:08:33,784 --> 00:08:35,156
I do not want to get in the middle of this.
190
00:08:35,158 --> 00:08:36,484
No, no, it's too late.
191
00:08:36,486 --> 00:08:38,140
You're not gonna be in the middle.
192
00:08:38,142 --> 00:08:40,140
You're just gonna lie for
me and do everything I say.
193
00:08:40,142 --> 00:08:41,642
Now act natural.
194
00:08:41,644 --> 00:08:43,086
(sighs)
195
00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:48,015
What are you doing? You've never
stood that way before in your life.
196
00:08:48,017 --> 00:08:50,468
You made me self-conscious. I
don't know what to do with my hands.
197
00:08:52,842 --> 00:08:54,342
Hey, guys.
198
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:57,578
- Everything okay?
- Yeah, why?
199
00:08:57,580 --> 00:08:59,828
What do you do with your
hands that's so great?
200
00:09:01,125 --> 00:09:02,578
All right.
201
00:09:02,580 --> 00:09:05,581
Uh, Charlie, did you have a
good time with Kelly last night?
202
00:09:05,583 --> 00:09:07,249
Look, this is usually where I lie,
203
00:09:07,251 --> 00:09:09,351
but this time, I'm not going to.
204
00:09:09,802 --> 00:09:12,551
I slept with Kelly.
She's upstairs right now.
205
00:09:12,553 --> 00:09:14,773
What?! No!
206
00:09:14,775 --> 00:09:17,453
And after what I told you.
207
00:09:18,593 --> 00:09:20,393
Charlie, why?
208
00:09:22,904 --> 00:09:24,187
Look, I'm sorry.
209
00:09:24,189 --> 00:09:25,856
I couldn't control myself. You know me.
210
00:09:25,858 --> 00:09:28,475
I do know you and I know
what you're gonna do next.
211
00:09:28,477 --> 00:09:31,789
You're gonna toss her aside and then
it's on to the next beautiful man.
212
00:09:31,791 --> 00:09:33,882
Well, just do it already.
213
00:09:33,884 --> 00:09:36,742
Get her down here right now
and rip the Band-Aid off.
214
00:09:36,744 --> 00:09:38,410
It'll be painful, but that's great.
215
00:09:38,412 --> 00:09:39,898
I mean, that's life.
216
00:09:40,558 --> 00:09:43,025
Actually, I'm not gonna let her go.
217
00:09:43,027 --> 00:09:45,777
Oh, so you're gonna string her along
all afternoon and then dump her?
218
00:09:45,779 --> 00:09:48,476
God, you're heartless. When
should I swing by? Around 6:00?
219
00:09:49,173 --> 00:09:50,976
No, no, no.
220
00:09:50,978 --> 00:09:54,063
Something happened last
night. I felt a connection.
221
00:09:54,065 --> 00:09:56,640
- This could be the one.
- What?
222
00:09:56,642 --> 00:09:58,617
Hey, Jordan.
223
00:09:58,839 --> 00:10:00,673
Kelly, hi.
224
00:10:00,675 --> 00:10:02,424
Please don't be mad at me.
225
00:10:02,426 --> 00:10:04,043
I know Charlie's your partner.
226
00:10:04,045 --> 00:10:07,096
I didn't plan for this
to happen, but it did.
227
00:10:07,098 --> 00:10:09,101
You're not upset, though, are you?
228
00:10:09,103 --> 00:10:11,513
Are you kidding? What would make
her happier than seeing me and her
229
00:10:11,515 --> 00:10:13,913
best friend Kelly together, right, Jordan?
230
00:10:13,915 --> 00:10:16,460
Yeah. What are the odds?
231
00:10:17,707 --> 00:10:19,591
Sean, let's go get some drinks.
232
00:10:19,593 --> 00:10:22,010
It's breakfast time and
you're a recovering alcoholic.
233
00:10:22,496 --> 00:10:24,953
God, this day is just getting
better and better, isn't it?
234
00:10:27,886 --> 00:10:31,422
I'm so glad to hear that I've captured
your heart because I feel the same way.
235
00:10:31,424 --> 00:10:34,559
In fact, I've written a song about it.
236
00:10:35,218 --> 00:10:37,019
A song, you say?
237
00:10:37,021 --> 00:10:39,265
Mm-hmm. (blows raspberry)
238
00:10:40,335 --> 00:10:41,906
Yesterday
239
00:10:41,908 --> 00:10:45,811
I met a guy named Charlie
240
00:10:45,813 --> 00:10:49,750
Our first date was watching a game
241
00:10:49,752 --> 00:10:56,572
At the Merry Peasant...
242
00:10:56,835 --> 00:11:00,617
Two, three...
It's this
place right on Ventura
243
00:11:00,619 --> 00:11:02,569
Near Laurel Canyon, Canyon
244
00:11:02,571 --> 00:11:05,523
But if you hit Coldwater
245
00:11:05,525 --> 00:11:09,320
You've gone too far.
246
00:11:10,454 --> 00:11:13,039
You know, I may have gone too far.
247
00:11:13,041 --> 00:11:15,156
Oh. (giggles)
248
00:11:15,617 --> 00:11:19,537
Cleo is filing
249
00:11:19,539 --> 00:11:23,414
Papers are piling
250
00:11:24,421 --> 00:11:26,708
So Cleo's filing...
251
00:11:26,710 --> 00:11:29,701
Okay, okay, enough, enough
with the filing song.
252
00:11:29,703 --> 00:11:32,304
I cannot hear one more song
about what people are doing.
253
00:11:33,041 --> 00:11:34,373
What's the matter, Charlie?
254
00:11:34,375 --> 00:11:36,435
Two days ago, I started seeing this girl
255
00:11:36,437 --> 00:11:38,162
who thinks it's awesome to sing to me
256
00:11:38,164 --> 00:11:42,318
about every single insignificant
thought that crosses her mind.
257
00:11:42,320 --> 00:11:43,771
So what's wrong with that?
258
00:11:43,773 --> 00:11:46,318
Because it's awkward, it's creepy,
259
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:48,435
and she stares at me while she's doing it.
260
00:11:48,765 --> 00:11:51,187
But she does sometimes cry
at the end, so there's that.
261
00:11:52,492 --> 00:11:54,248
Ooh, that girl sound crazy.
262
00:11:54,250 --> 00:11:55,630
Why don't you just break up with her?
263
00:11:55,632 --> 00:11:58,169
Because Jordan set me up with
this girl hoping I'd dump her.
264
00:11:58,171 --> 00:11:59,857
But I'm not gonna give her
that kind of satisfaction.
265
00:11:59,859 --> 00:12:01,552
I gotta get this girl to dump me.
266
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:03,216
Ooh, Charlie, I know what you need.
267
00:12:03,218 --> 00:12:05,021
You need a kind of instant break-up,
268
00:12:05,023 --> 00:12:07,138
the kind that happens when
they catch you cheating.
269
00:12:07,140 --> 00:12:09,513
I know, I know, but I
can't just ask someone,
270
00:12:09,515 --> 00:12:11,802
"Hey, can you pretend like
we're on a romantic date
271
00:12:11,804 --> 00:12:14,382
so my crazy girlfriend can walk
in on us and break up with me?"
272
00:12:15,046 --> 00:12:17,039
My sister will do it for
a couple hundred bucks.
273
00:12:17,961 --> 00:12:19,021
What?
274
00:12:19,023 --> 00:12:21,060
She's a single mom and
she really needs the money.
275
00:12:21,062 --> 00:12:22,802
And she's a good actress, too.
276
00:12:22,804 --> 00:12:24,880
Whenever the cops would
come looking for me,
277
00:12:24,882 --> 00:12:27,193
she'd get them to believe
that I wasn't home.
278
00:12:27,195 --> 00:12:30,724
Except for the time she
invited them inside for a beer.
279
00:12:30,726 --> 00:12:32,617
We had a talk about that.
280
00:12:33,867 --> 00:12:36,044
You know what? This could work.
281
00:12:36,046 --> 00:12:39,130
If she can be at my house at
6:30 today, that would be great.
282
00:12:39,132 --> 00:12:41,412
- What's her number?
- You know, Charlie?
283
00:12:41,414 --> 00:12:44,099
This is the first time somebody's
asked me for my sister's number
284
00:12:44,101 --> 00:12:45,720
and I haven't stabbed them in the throat.
285
00:12:46,515 --> 00:12:48,274
It feels good, doesn't it?
286
00:12:48,276 --> 00:12:49,632
Yeah, we'll see.
287
00:12:52,695 --> 00:12:55,677
So you're a music producer, huh?
288
00:12:55,679 --> 00:12:57,107
Aw, crap.
289
00:12:57,109 --> 00:12:58,615
You don't have a band, do you?
290
00:12:58,617 --> 00:13:00,435
Aw, crap.
291
00:13:01,414 --> 00:13:03,013
No, no, I don't have a band.
292
00:13:03,015 --> 00:13:05,573
- I'm just making conversation.
- Well, forget it.
293
00:13:05,575 --> 00:13:08,609
I'm not signing you and I'm
definitely not listening to your demo.
294
00:13:09,578 --> 00:13:12,085
- What's the name of your band?
- "Douche on a Stool."
295
00:13:13,789 --> 00:13:16,474
Well, my entire body
has been waxed, bleached,
296
00:13:16,476 --> 00:13:18,521
lasered, buffed, and polished.
297
00:13:19,023 --> 00:13:20,318
It's true.
298
00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:23,117
I spilled a Coke on her and it
beaded up and rolled right off.
299
00:13:24,218 --> 00:13:26,474
Here, you can take off the jacket now.
300
00:13:26,476 --> 00:13:29,047
You look really handsome in that tux.
301
00:13:29,049 --> 00:13:31,927
You're so hairless. You're
like a mannequin or something.
302
00:13:31,929 --> 00:13:34,742
(giggles) Oh, my God, Nolan,
what did I say I looked like?
303
00:13:34,976 --> 00:13:36,638
- A mannequin.
- A mannequin.
304
00:13:38,419 --> 00:13:40,289
I'm gonna walk Tiffer to his car.
305
00:13:44,953 --> 00:13:47,107
Did you know there's
a job where you can wax
306
00:13:47,109 --> 00:13:49,335
the hair off a woman's body all day?
307
00:13:50,132 --> 00:13:52,403
Look what just fell out of Tiffer's pocket.
308
00:13:52,937 --> 00:13:55,091
Two tickets to last night's Drake concert
309
00:13:55,093 --> 00:13:57,882
and pictures of him with
some girl in a photo booth.
310
00:13:58,203 --> 00:13:59,990
I asked you a question.
311
00:13:59,992 --> 00:14:02,835
Did you know and not tell me?
312
00:14:04,403 --> 00:14:06,296
- (knocks on door)
- Coming.
313
00:14:12,390 --> 00:14:15,043
Mom, it's a two-year-old kid.
314
00:14:15,045 --> 00:14:16,992
If he's crying, pick him up.
315
00:14:18,250 --> 00:14:21,335
Then maybe put down the beer.
316
00:14:22,085 --> 00:14:24,156
I gotta go. Screw you!
317
00:14:25,968 --> 00:14:29,216
Hi. I'm Vanessa, Ernesto's sister.
318
00:14:29,953 --> 00:14:31,068
I can tell.
319
00:14:31,070 --> 00:14:34,224
You both have that
come-hither-and-I'll-kill-you kind of look.
320
00:14:34,226 --> 00:14:35,896
I know, right?
321
00:14:35,898 --> 00:14:37,474
So what do you want me to do?
322
00:14:37,476 --> 00:14:39,380
Well, Kelly will be here any minute,
323
00:14:39,382 --> 00:14:41,786
so we're just gonna sit on the couch,
324
00:14:42,101 --> 00:14:44,333
have a glass of wine, so when she walks in,
325
00:14:44,335 --> 00:14:46,263
- it'll look like we're on a date.
- Whatever.
326
00:14:46,265 --> 00:14:50,171
But no wine. I'm very careful
about what I put into my body.
327
00:14:50,992 --> 00:14:52,451
Okay, fine. No wine.
328
00:14:52,453 --> 00:14:55,677
But it has to look like she's
catching us doing something.
329
00:14:55,679 --> 00:14:58,951
There's no way I'm doing anything
with you. I don't even know you.
330
00:14:58,953 --> 00:15:01,763
I understand, but it has to
seem like we know each other.
331
00:15:01,765 --> 00:15:04,671
Then we're gonna have
to pretend or something.
332
00:15:04,673 --> 00:15:07,093
Okay, welcome to where we are.
333
00:15:07,730 --> 00:15:09,085
(knocks on door)
334
00:15:09,570 --> 00:15:11,927
You know what? Jut go upstairs,
335
00:15:11,929 --> 00:15:14,226
count to three, and then come
down like we just had sex.
336
00:15:14,228 --> 00:15:15,728
Fine.
337
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,287
Kelly, what are you doing here?
338
00:15:21,289 --> 00:15:23,077
You told me to come at 7:00 and it's 7:00.
339
00:15:23,079 --> 00:15:25,076
Dang!
340
00:15:25,078 --> 00:15:30,078
That was some good sexual
intercourses we had, Charlie.
341
00:15:31,249 --> 00:15:32,816
Oh, hello.
342
00:15:33,179 --> 00:15:36,091
- Who's this?
- Who's this, Charlie?
343
00:15:36,093 --> 00:15:39,811
Is this another one of
your girlfriends like I am?
344
00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:43,537
God, you must be so mad catching us.
345
00:15:43,539 --> 00:15:46,123
- Are you mad?
- Well, of course she's mad.
346
00:15:46,125 --> 00:15:48,505
How could she not be mad?
She just caught us having sex.
347
00:15:48,507 --> 00:15:51,357
- She probably wants to leave me right now.
- I can't believe this.
348
00:15:51,359 --> 00:15:52,824
Yeah, this is horrible.
349
00:15:52,826 --> 00:15:57,037
I was just telling Charlie,
between rounds of intercourses...
350
00:15:57,039 --> 00:16:00,665
- (cell phone chiming)
- Mom, what do you want?
351
00:16:00,667 --> 00:16:04,669
Well, who told you to give
him a fire extinguisher?
352
00:16:05,109 --> 00:16:08,484
Well, that's what you get
for giving him matches.
353
00:16:09,398 --> 00:16:10,875
I'm on my way.
354
00:16:11,218 --> 00:16:14,929
I gotta go. You, it was nice to meet.
355
00:16:15,203 --> 00:16:17,507
And you, I'll call you...
356
00:16:18,024 --> 00:16:19,578
for more intercourse.
357
00:16:22,454 --> 00:16:24,255
- (door slams)
- (Sighs)
358
00:16:24,257 --> 00:16:28,341
Kelly, I'm so sorry you had to see that.
359
00:16:28,343 --> 00:16:30,039
Charlie, what is going on?
360
00:16:31,601 --> 00:16:34,740
I'm a sick man is what's going on.
361
00:16:34,742 --> 00:16:36,388
I'm compelled to be
362
00:16:36,390 --> 00:16:40,132
with many different women at the same time
363
00:16:40,554 --> 00:16:43,708
and probably a much wider
variety than you'd expect.
364
00:16:44,335 --> 00:16:45,460
Charlie...
365
00:16:45,462 --> 00:16:47,015
Look, I completely understand
366
00:16:47,017 --> 00:16:50,318
if you want to walk out that
door and never see me again.
367
00:16:50,320 --> 00:16:54,154
- Oh, yeah? Well, you know what?
- What?
368
00:16:54,444 --> 00:16:57,841
I'm going to change you
369
00:16:57,843 --> 00:17:00,146
We can go to a counselor
370
00:17:00,148 --> 00:17:03,216
I know a good one right on Ventura
371
00:17:03,218 --> 00:17:07,682
Near the restaurant we went to...
372
00:17:08,909 --> 00:17:10,802
I feel so fortunate
373
00:17:10,804 --> 00:17:13,443
to have found a woman so understanding.
374
00:17:13,445 --> 00:17:15,523
There's five more verses...
375
00:17:15,923 --> 00:17:17,423
Awesome.
376
00:17:20,539 --> 00:17:22,171
All right, we're here.
377
00:17:22,173 --> 00:17:23,703
Let's hit it, babe.
378
00:17:23,705 --> 00:17:25,459
Oh, wait, let me check my hair, okay?
379
00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:28,218
You look perfect. Like an angel.
380
00:17:28,220 --> 00:17:29,970
An angel with a huge rack.
381
00:17:30,734 --> 00:17:32,220
Aww.
382
00:17:34,117 --> 00:17:35,803
- (crowd shouting)
- (Camera shutters clicking)
383
00:17:35,805 --> 00:17:38,806
Thank you so much for stopping
me from breaking up with him.
384
00:17:38,808 --> 00:17:42,023
- And I thought he was cheating.
- Cheating?
385
00:17:42,025 --> 00:17:43,281
Yeah, I mean,
386
00:17:43,283 --> 00:17:45,640
I thought he was at a concert
last night with some other woman,
387
00:17:45,642 --> 00:17:48,816
but Patrick convinced me that
he was at home watching YouTube.
388
00:17:48,818 --> 00:17:50,484
Tiffer is the best.
389
00:17:50,486 --> 00:17:53,304
I feel like he could be the one.
390
00:17:53,615 --> 00:17:55,226
Lacey, wait.
391
00:17:55,692 --> 00:17:57,492
There's something I gotta
tell you about Tiffer.
392
00:17:57,494 --> 00:17:58,875
No, you don't.
393
00:17:59,648 --> 00:18:01,156
He is cheating on you.
394
00:18:01,158 --> 00:18:04,048
Patrick found ticket stubs and
a picture of him and some girl
395
00:18:04,050 --> 00:18:05,734
that fell out of his coat pocket.
396
00:18:06,179 --> 00:18:08,654
So you knew he was cheating
on me this whole time
397
00:18:08,656 --> 00:18:10,921
- and you didn't say anything?
- What was I supposed to say?
398
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:12,723
The guy you like is cheating on you?
399
00:18:12,725 --> 00:18:14,008
Yes!
400
00:18:14,010 --> 00:18:16,010
Well, now I know for next time.
401
00:18:16,012 --> 00:18:17,882
This is how people learn.
402
00:18:18,531 --> 00:18:21,109
You are a selfish dick!
403
00:18:21,111 --> 00:18:24,852
I agree, but the best
revenge is looking great.
404
00:18:24,854 --> 00:18:27,203
- Go!
- You're right.
405
00:18:27,205 --> 00:18:30,437
I'm here, this is a great opportunity,
406
00:18:30,439 --> 00:18:32,437
I might as well make the most of it.
407
00:18:32,439 --> 00:18:35,148
And of all things, remember this...
408
00:18:35,328 --> 00:18:38,562
it's not Patrick, it's "Pa-treek."
409
00:18:39,375 --> 00:18:42,046
Pa-treek. Got it.
410
00:18:42,981 --> 00:18:44,481
We'll be watching.
411
00:18:45,791 --> 00:18:47,570
Why would you do that to me?
412
00:18:48,007 --> 00:18:51,389
When my heart hurts, I have
to say stuff when I think it.
413
00:18:51,391 --> 00:18:52,914
Well, that's just stupid and sad.
414
00:18:53,111 --> 00:18:54,577
Woman: Thank you so very much.
415
00:18:54,579 --> 00:18:55,966
Oh, my God. Look, she's on TV.
416
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,742
Oh, my gosh, will you look at this?
417
00:18:58,744 --> 00:19:01,726
This is the most gorgeous
dress of the evening.
418
00:19:02,644 --> 00:19:05,179
- Who are you wearing?
- Versace.
419
00:19:06,125 --> 00:19:08,164
No!
420
00:19:10,401 --> 00:19:11,781
Hi.
421
00:19:12,235 --> 00:19:13,898
Thank you for coming.
422
00:19:13,900 --> 00:19:16,101
- I got you a scotch.
- Ah, no problem.
423
00:19:16,103 --> 00:19:19,335
Although, I do hate being
away from my Kelly-belly.
424
00:19:22,657 --> 00:19:26,046
Thanks. Here, I'll trade
you. Keep 'em coming.
425
00:19:28,090 --> 00:19:30,273
Look, I'm gonna make this quick.
426
00:19:30,275 --> 00:19:32,192
I...
427
00:19:32,194 --> 00:19:34,388
left you alone with
Kelly because I wanted you
428
00:19:34,390 --> 00:19:35,757
to sleep with her and dump her.
429
00:19:36,140 --> 00:19:39,109
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait. So do you tricked me
430
00:19:39,111 --> 00:19:41,262
into falling in love with
the woman of my dreams
431
00:19:41,264 --> 00:19:44,054
and now... now you want
me to break up with her?
432
00:19:44,056 --> 00:19:45,933
Well, I was hoping you would,
433
00:19:45,935 --> 00:19:47,343
but now that you've
fallen in love with her...
434
00:19:47,345 --> 00:19:48,845
Okay, I'll do it.
435
00:19:49,964 --> 00:19:51,748
- But only for you.
- Really?
436
00:19:51,750 --> 00:19:54,251
Yes, yes. You're more important.
437
00:19:54,253 --> 00:19:56,694
I mean, sure, I could've had a
wonderful future with this woman,
438
00:19:56,696 --> 00:20:00,015
but you, you're my pal.
439
00:20:01,666 --> 00:20:04,398
Charlie. I found you.
440
00:20:04,767 --> 00:20:06,554
You always do.
441
00:20:07,010 --> 00:20:09,039
Jordan, could you give us a minute alone?
442
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,281
Sure.
443
00:20:10,917 --> 00:20:12,584
Let her down hard.
444
00:20:14,822 --> 00:20:16,373
Please.
445
00:20:16,375 --> 00:20:18,203
It's so good to see you.
446
00:20:18,205 --> 00:20:19,500
Yeah.
447
00:20:19,743 --> 00:20:22,493
Look, I need to talk
to you about something.
448
00:20:22,495 --> 00:20:24,281
I hate to do this,
449
00:20:24,283 --> 00:20:26,640
but I really think that we should break...
450
00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:28,273
I'm breaking up with you.
451
00:20:28,796 --> 00:20:29,654
What?
452
00:20:29,656 --> 00:20:31,515
I'm breaking up with
you and I did it first.
453
00:20:32,109 --> 00:20:35,992
Whoa, whoa, whoa. So this is your
way of never being broken up with?
454
00:20:35,994 --> 00:20:38,953
Maybe that's our problem.
You don't make any sense.
455
00:20:38,955 --> 00:20:40,375
In any case, you're
not breaking up with me.
456
00:20:40,377 --> 00:20:41,929
I am breaking up with you.
457
00:20:41,931 --> 00:20:43,681
Well, either way, as long as I'm out.
458
00:20:43,683 --> 00:20:47,184
I'm so sorry for
breaking your heart
459
00:20:47,186 --> 00:20:49,945
It's probably better this way...
460
00:20:51,762 --> 00:20:54,289
- Sweetie, are you okay?
- I'm fine. Charlie's not.
461
00:20:54,291 --> 00:20:55,632
I just dumped him.
462
00:20:56,790 --> 00:20:59,734
- What?
- You should probably go console him
463
00:20:59,736 --> 00:21:01,953
since you know how that feels.
464
00:21:09,355 --> 00:21:11,318
Look, I don't know what
they did to you people during
465
00:21:11,320 --> 00:21:13,072
hazing in Alpha Chi,
466
00:21:13,074 --> 00:21:14,984
but it really screwed you up.
467
00:21:16,422 --> 00:21:20,625
Sync & corrections by solfieri
www.addic7ed.com
468
00:21:20,675 --> 00:21:25,225
Repair and Synchronization by
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