Original subtitles

* Boy, the way Glenn Miller played *

* Songs that made the hit parade *

* Guys like us, we had it made *

* Those were the days *

* And you knew where you were then *

* Girls were girls, and men were men *

* Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again *

* Didn't need no welfare state *

* Everybody pulled his weight *

* Gee, our old LaSalle ran great *

* Those were the days *

Ooh!

I don't want a shot!

- I don't care! - You're not gonna do it!

- Yes, I am! - No, you're not!

- Yes, I am! - No, you're not!

- No, I'm not! - No, you're--

You're not?

No.

How come?

Because I already did it.

It didn't hurt.

I didn't know it was supposed to hurt.

[SIGHS]

I'd better do it again.

No!

Oh, no. He's just teasin'.

Oh, his father was a doctor.

He used to tease Gloria that way. Oh.

You're just like your father.

- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.

- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.

Yes, I am!

Yes.

Yes, except he's 30 years older

and he has more hair.

Mm-hmm.

Ohhh.

Oh, Sidney.

Oh. [GIGGLES]

Oh, Dr. Shapiro!

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Mrs. Bunker, is there something wrong with your leg?

Oh, no, no.

- No? Hmm. - Nothin'.

You, with the hole in the arm,

I have to talk to your aunt,

so go tell my nurse to give you a root beer lollypop.

I don't like root beer.

It's for me!

You get a balloon.

I usually get bubble gum.

Too bad.

Go. Go, go, go. Come on, come on.

I'll be there in a minute.

Okay, Mrs. Bunker, I want you

to hop right up here--

Pardon me. Here you go.

And I want to take a look at that leg.

Oh, it ain't nothing. It's just a bruise.

Well, come on. You put your feet right up here

and let me examine it.

I guess I bumped it against the bottom drawer

when I was putting Archie's socks away.

He always leaves his drawers open.

- [GASPS] - Oh, Sidney!

Ow! Aw!

Why does it hurt so much?

Because I don't think it's an ordinary bruise, Mrs. Bunker.

It could be phlebitis.

What's that?

It's a blood clot and it can travel.

Where?

Well, to your lungs.

Hmm, that's a long trip.

And it could be serious,

but we're not gonna let that happen, Mrs. Bunker.

Oh, how?

Well, with medication, with warm pads

and by staying off your feet.

Oh, I can't stay off my feet till after St. Patrick's Day.

Why?

Are you marching in the parade?

Oh.

No! I ain't Irish.

But the bar is.

'Cause it's Kelsey's and Kelsey used to own it

and Kelsey is.

So Archie's giving a St. Patrick's Day party

and he wants it to be the best ever.

So, I'm gonna do the cooking

and we're gonna have corned beef and cabbage--

Mrs. Bunker, can you cook in bed?

No. The stove is in the kitchen.

Then call a caterer.

Mrs. Bunker, stay off your feet. No cooking!

- Now, listen. Put this on. - No.

I'm gonna go talk to my nurse. I'll be right back.

I want to give you a complete examination.

Oh, no, no! Doctor!

- I'm saying I can't do that! - SIDNEY: I'll be right back!

I ain't got time to be sick!

Uh! Aw!

Ooh! Darn!

Ooh...

- Open the door. - Then get away from the door

so I can open it, huh?

Geez, the damn thing is locked.

- Hey, Edith! - Is that you, Archie?

No, it's the Easter Bunny bringing you your eggs.

And the bunny forgot his key,

so will you come and unlock the door, hippety-hop?

- Take it easy. - Heavy!

I'm coming!

- Oh, hello, Harry! - HARRY: Hi, Edith!

- Come on in. - I'll put it on the table.

- Yeah. - Oh!

Why couldn't you get somebody to deliver this?

You're buying wholesale, you can't do that.

You gotta do it yourself.

You expect to save money,

you also gotta expect the pain and the groan.

What are you complaining about?

I'm doing all the work.

I'm doing all the thinking, ain't I?

Oh, what a lot of cabbage.

Yeah, wait till you see the potatoes.

Well, we ain't never gonna see the potatoes

unless you go outside and carry them in.

Come on!

Here. Here, Edith. Here's some of the corned beef.

How much did you get?

Oh, I got 50 pounds.

Well, let me see, that means it's 25.

No, it don't! It's 50.

I said 50. Five-"O".

Yeah, it starts out to be 50, five-"O,"

but it ends up 25, two-five.

Why?

Because when you boil corned beef, it shrivels up.

It's like when you boil a plum,

it turns into a prune.

I mean, corned beef, after you boil it, it's still corned beef.

It don't get fat like a prune. It's skinny.

So, 50, five-"O," pounds equals 25, two-five, pounds.

You get it?

I did. I understood that.

Good.

Well, it scares me.

I'm beginning to think like you.

Oh, that ain't unusual.

I read in the Reader's Digest

that lots of couples, after they've lived

together a long time,

even start to look like each other.

No.

HARRY: The potatoes! The potatoes!

The potatoes! [GROANS]

Watch what you're doing here.

Oh, sit down, Harry.

- Have a beer. - Yeah!

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You ain't got no time to sit.

Look at this, it's nearly noon.

You gotta get down and open up the saloon.

Business before pleasure, Harry!

Sorry, Edith.

A thirsty world is waiting.

- Yeah. - I'll see you later.

All right. Well, thank you very much, Harry.

Archie, you shoulda let him stay

and rest and have a beer.

I done that for you, Edith.

I don't want you to be waiting on people.

Get me a beer, will ya?

I got something to tell you, Archie.

I hope it ain't gonna take too long.

I took Stephie to see Dr. Shapiro today.

Don't tell me it's anything serious.

No, it ain't serious.

Don't tell me it's anything catchin'.

No, it ain't catchin'.

Don't tell me it's anything that's gonna get in the way

of the St. Patty's Day party.

Well, see, Sidney said that...

- I oughta-- - Sidney?

Why didn't you take her to the real Dr. Shapiro,

Sidney's father?

He's retired.

No, he ain't retired.

Geez, he's just hiding from his patients.

What's the matter with the kid?

Oh, nothin', she's fine.

She just had to have a booster shot.

I was telling Sidney about the party--

Oh, the party!

I wish Kelsey could see the party we're gonna give.

It's gonna be better than any St. Paddy's Day party that he ever threw.

But then, Kelsey didn't have you, see?

And I got you doing it all.

Archie, could we get a caterer to do the cooking?

Edith, after me bragging to everybody

that you're the best cabbage cook in the world?

Not a chance!

- But, Archie-- - I need you to do it, darling.

This is an awful lot of work, see?

Oh...

I know why you're backing off the work.

'Cause you seen that "Gloria Steinway" woman

on The Merv Griffen Show the other night, and she was sayin'

women ought to stay out of the kitchen.

No, I didn't see that.

Oh, yeah. You was in here doing the dishes.

Well, I seen it.

And I remember it.

I'm sorry I brought it up 'cause I want you to forget it.

Now, Edith, I gotta take a nap for about an hour

before I go to work, see?

Call me, will ya? And have a little lunch on the table.

Edith!

Hey, Edith, you better get yourself ready!

Harry will be coming along in the van any minute to pick us up, you know?

Edith? Edith?

Oh, wow. What a magnificent sight here, Edith.

There's only one thing.

I can wish cabbage could smell a little bit nicer, you know?

I mean, for a beautiful fruit, it shouldn't smell like a drainpipe.

Edith.

Take a look.

Huh?

Does this look funny, huh?

Or do I just look like the Jolly Green Jerk?

Yeah.

Yeah, what?

It's funny.

Well, say so.

Ha ha ha.

Yeah.

Yeah, well, make sure that Harry takes

all the pots.

There's 18 of them.

And I want 'em all back

'cause some of 'em belong to the neighbors.

Well, you can tell Harry that yourself.

We're all going down there together.

Me and Harry and you and the pots.

Oh, no, Archie. I ain't going.

I--I gotta stay off my feet.

Off your feet, Edith?

No! You better get up on your feet, darlin',

and get yourself dressed!

Come on! We're gonna be late for the part--

Oh, come on! Edith! Edith!

We gotta get down to the party! The party's just started.

- I want to st-- - Edith, come on, will ya?

The work's all done!

All you gotta do now is serve the "fooze."

But I'm tired...

Oh, come on!

You'll feel a lot better

once you get down there, sweetheart.

Get yourself dressed, huh?

ARCHIE: * Oh, me name is MacNamara *

* I'm the leader of the band *

* Although we're few in number *

* We're the finest in the land *

* We play at wakes and weddings *

* And at every fancy ball *

* And when we play at funerals *

* We play the March From Saul *

* Ta dah, dah, dah *

[GROANING]

Ow!

[COUGHS]

Archie!

Archie!

What?

What?

Edith, what are you doing there, huh?

What's wrong?

Call Dr. Shapiro.

What's the matter, sweetheart?

Call him. He knows all about it.

Yeah, well, all right.

But what do I tell him ails ya?

Tell him I can't walk.

Harry, I can't do it. Call up the kid.

Bring him in to help.

What do you mean he won't work St. Patrick's Day?

The Puerto Ricans don't give a cucaracha

about St. Patrick.

Well, I can't help that. You better try.

I can't come in. Yeah, good-bye, Harry.

Good-bye, good-bye!

Well, there ain't no use in sittin' here worryin', kiddo.

You better go up to your bed.

Is Aunt Edith real sick?

No, I don't think so.

She's--she's probably what they call "benumbed," you know?

From inhaling cabbage for two days.

The smell of cabbage can't make a person not walk.

I wouldn't be too sure about that.

You know, the nose, that's a very powerful thing there.

I remember once I was changing one of Joey's diapers...

Oh.

I lost my balance. I had to sit down a minute.

- Mr. Bunker. - Oh! Yeah, yeah.

I put a moist pack on her leg.

I want you to make sure she keeps it there.

Yeah, I can do that, sure.

How's Aunt Edith?

She's tired like you.

Go upstairs, give her a goodnight kiss.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Here. Here.

I forgot to give her this.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Here! I have something for you!

I don't feel like a lollipop.

No, no. This time, bubblegum.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

[SIGHS]

So, on the level, how is she?

I think she should be in a hospital.

Gee, see? That's the difference between you and your old man.

You think, he always knew.

Where is he?

He's retired.

He can't be retired!

He ain't got no business being retired

while any of his patients is still alive.

Get him on the horn, Sid.

I'm Dr. Shapiro!

He's the only Dr. Shapiro!

You ain't anything like your father!

Mr. Bunker...

I have known you since I was six years old.

Oh, yeah, I know. And I didn't like you then.

And I don't like you now.

What about Edith?

Her, I like.

I mean, is she gonna be all right?

Oh, now you're concerned.

After you practically killed her!

What? What did I do?

What did you do?

What did I do?

What did you do?

You were a little like your father then.

Come on, Mr. Bunker.

From the smell in this house,

it's obvious what you've been doing.

What are you talking about?

I mean, that might cause a person to leave a room

or open up a window.

But that ain't gonna paralyze a woman.

I'm talking about cabbage.

It can't be the cabbage!

I ain't had none of that yet!

Mrs. Bunker told me you've had her on her feet

for two days cooking!

Yeah!

That's what I'm talking about!

I told her not to cook!

Well, what the hell kind of medical advice is that?

What's she got that she can't cook?

She didn't tell you.

No!

Phlebitis.

I told her that if she doesn't stay off her feet

it could kill her.

Phlebitis?

Ain't that what the Democrats give Nixon?

She'll be okay.

She has her medication.

If she just takes it easy, it will resolve itself.

Mr. Bunker, I thought she told you.

You're gonna throw up?

No, no, no.

I'll be okay.

I thought you knew about this.

No, I didn't know nothin'.

Please forgive me. I never would've yelled at you.

I thought it was your fault.

Well, it's okay. Take it easy, Sid--

Forget it, forget it, forget it.

Please, forgive me, Mr. Bunker. Please.

Yeah. It's all right. It's all right, Sidney.

You're a good boy, you know?

Please don't tell my father.

Oh, I won't say nothin' about it.

Just don't play ball on my stoop no more.

That wasn't me.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry!

You got a fever?

Well, Edith, I--I gotta tell you,

I'm very disappointed in you.

I'm really very disappointed in you.

I know.

I'm sorry you're missing your party.

Oh, the hell with the party!

I mean, I'm disappointed in you!

Why?

I done all the cookin'.

And I had it all ready for Harry when he come.

I'm not talking about--

You don't think much of me.

- I do! - No, you don't.

I--I do!

Don't I always bring your beer when you want it?

Oh, geez, but that don't prove nothin'.

And don't I always have dinner hot for you

when you come home?

That don't prove nothin' either.

Well, I wash your clothes and I iron them

and I put them in the right drawers.

I could hire a Sybil Gooley to do them things!

Sybil Gooley would never do them things for you.

Why the hell not?

'Cause she don't like you.

Oh, yeah.

Archie, I love you.

That's why I do them things for you.

Why didn't you tell me you were sick?

I tried to.

But I didn't want to spoil your party.

The party! I don't want to hear nothin' more about the party!

To hell with the party!

Geez.

You was too busy being Mrs. Nice Guy.

Your shoes.

Well, it's cold up here!

You was being selfish, Edith.

Selfish?

That's right. S-E-double L-fish.

I guess you wanted me to go on alone

tryin' to raise that little girl

who already lost one mother.

- No! - Oh, geez, Edith.

You're always being too good, good, good.

I'm gonna tell you. I'm tired of suffering from that.

From now on...

like they say in the old song,

"there's gonna be some changes made."

And, please, don't sing it for me, huh?

I mean to say is...

if anything goes wrong with you,

you gotta tell me.

So's I can take care of ya!

I told Harry I can't go to work

until the doctor says that you're okay.

I'm gonna wait on you.

Oh, Archie!

Careful with your hand there, huh, Edith?

I--I know we're in--in--in bed,

but you're too sick for them kind of moves.

Oh, Archie!

Oh, Edith.

You know something?

If the whole damn world was to go to the dogs,

as long as I had you standing by my side, you know,

or sitting by my side,

or laying here like this by my side,

everything'll be... just okay.

[SIGHS]

I've been blowing my own horn...

for a lot of years.

I'm gonna tell you something--

I ain't nothing without you.

You know something, Archie?

You're a pip.

A real pip.

[***]

All in the Family was played to a studio audience

for live responses.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0