All language subtitles for All In the Family s09e22e23e24 All in the Family Retrospective.eng

[Dick Tufeld]
From the Mark Taper Forum

at the Music Center
in Los Angeles,

welcome to...

Arriving for our celebration

are our viewers
from 48 states,

flown to California
especially for this occasion

as guests of All in the Family.

Here are the Willings
from Monroe, Louisiana,

Teri and Glen Anderson
from St. Paul, Minnesota...

Lucille and James Dillon
from Natchez, Mississippi.

Here are Abe and Roz Friedman

from Asheville, North Carolina,

Julie and John Meyer
from Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

From Cincinnati,
Sue and Tim DeCoravan,

and from New Orleans,
Louisiana,

Mickey and Nora Brukus.

Leonard and Wilma Jenkins--
Lakeview, Ohio.

Steve and Vicky Hollinger--

Sterling, Virginia.

From Gap Mills, West Virginia,

Les and Pat Honaker.

From Terre Haute, Indiana,

Charles and Helen Wood.

Mr. and Mrs. Dennis Davis

from Snake River, Idaho.

From San Francisco,

Pete and Marge Kezios.

John and Evelyn Fosner,
Rock Springs, Wyoming.

From Tampa, Florida,
Jess and Burt Fuller.

From Spearfish, South Dakota,
Greg and Debbie Jainer.

Clement and Dottie Canger
from Knoxville, Tennessee.

Irene and Baron Grey
from Searcy, Arkansas.

Mickey and Marsha Householder

from Hedgesville,
West Virginia.

When you got the call
that said you won, what did you do?

She screamed and hollered,
"Pat, you have to take a bath."

I said, "I'm so happy."

I thought this was a hoax.

Seems to me like
we're having our honeymoon

since we didn't have
our honeymoon,

when we got married.

Made some friends that I hope
we can correspond with

for the rest of our lives.

We will never forget this,
and, oh, boy.

Stay with us
as Norman Lear discusses

one of television's
most honored, controversial, and provocative shows,

with your friends
and neighbors,

our guests
from across the nation,

featuring choice moments
from 200 episodes

of All in the Family.

* Didn't need
no welfare state *

* Everybody
pulled his weight *

* Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great *

* Those were the days *

[applause]

And now here is your host
for the evening,

the creator
of All in the Family--

Norman Lear.

[applause]

Thank you.

Thank you.
Good evening.

Good evening and welcome

to our 200th Birthday
Celebration

of All in the Family.

There's an ancient Greek
definition of happiness.

It goes,
"Happiness is the exercise of your vital abilities

"along lines of excellence

in a life
that affords them scope."

Tonight I represent 60 or more
very happy people--

writers, producers,
actors, directors,

staff, and crew,

who since our debut
in January, 1971

have been exercising
their vital abilities

communicating with you,

reaching further and further

to touch your funny bone,

your emotions,

not always succeeding,

but reaching,

in a world that afforded us
the scope.

Now, you viewers provided us

with that world, that scope,

because All in the Family
was anything but a success

when it began,

but 15 weeks into our run,

you discovered it,

and you are the reason
we're here tonight.

We'd like to have invited

all 50 or 60 million of you

to share this moment with us,

but the Bonaventure Hotel
in Los Angeles

was a little uptight
about taking that many reservations.

So what we did instead

was to invite 100 couples,

and there they are,

from 48 states in the nation.

They flew here from Tennessee

and Iowa and Maine
and Florida,

from Kentucky and Arizona,

Colorado and New York.

The other half
of the giant collaboration

known as All in the Family--

our audience.

[applause]

No, no, I'm applauding you.

I-- I really just wanted
to applaud you.

Behind me, as I conclude
this very sentence,

you will see Archie
and Edith in bed

There they are,

Archie and Edith in bed,

not a big deal, granted,

but married folk,
even a handful of unmarried folk

have been sleeping together
since the dawn of time.

Before January, 1971,

television comedy
didn't reflect that fact.

Anyway, as we mulled
over 200 episodes,

there were a thousand ways
to begin to discuss them.

We settled for the simplest--

Archie and Edith in one
of our very favorite scenes.

- Mmmmm...
- There, all right, Edith.

There, uh-- uh, Edith,

Edith, Edith, Edith,

you know, it's been
a long kind of nervous day.

You know what I mean?

So what do you say we just,
you know--

I'll put the paper down,

and then you
just go over there,

way over there.

We'll just go sleepy bye, huh?

But remember,

whatever happens,

I love you.

I love you, Edith.

Truly.

Thank you.
Thank you.

[Edith]
* I love you truly *

* Truly dear *

* Life with its sorrow *

* Life with its tear *

* Fades into dreams *

* When I know you're near *

- * For I love you truly *
- Hold it, hold it, geez.

* Truly dear *

[muttering]
Edit, joo, joo, joo, joo, joo,

Edith, Edith,
come on, darling, listen.

I know you're singing,

and you know you're singing,

but the neighbors are liable
to think I'm torturing you.

Oh, no.

Oh, you could never do that,
Archie.

I know that.
Yeah, I know that.

Uh--

Uh, Edith, there...

I'll tell you the truth,
Edith.

I ain't myself, you know.

What I mean is

let's not start something
that I can't finish.

Okay, Edith?
Okay?

How thin the line is
between laughter and tears.

We humans are fragile,
and we're foolish,

so the humor
in life doesn't cease

when we are suffering

any more than it
stops being serious

when we are laughing
the hardest.

That's why,
from the very beginning,

All in the Family chose
to deal with human problems

that concern us all.

Ma, something's wrong.
I know you.

Why does everybody around here

think they know me?

Remember, Gloria,

deep waters run very still.

But Ma--

I've known me

a lot longer than you have,

so don't go around saying
you know me.

Okay.

Okay, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you.

I got a lump in my breast.

What did you just say?

- I got a lump in--
- Oh, Ma...

That's the first time
I said it out loud.

What was it
you wanted to ask me?

I'm afraid,
if I have this operation,

Archie won't think of me
in the same way.

Oh, Edith,
stop scaring yourself.

Archie loves you,
and nothing's going to change that.

But I'm going to change a lot.

Listen, even if you
have to have the operation,

it's still going to be
all right.

Believe me.

You don't know.

That's just the point, Edith.
I do know.

I know.

You mean, you?

Six years ago.

And you see how Frank
and I get along?

It hasn't made
one bit of difference

in our marriage.

Don't bother looking, Edith.

I-- I wasn't.

You're coming home
tomorrow morning?

Yeah.

Edith, they told me
you had cancer.

I thought I did, too, Archie,

but it was just a little cyst,

and the surgeon got rid of it
just like that.

Oh.

So what are you
laying here for?

Well, when they told me
everything was all right,

I got so excited,

I jumped off
the examining table,

and I broke my ankle.

What are you going to do
to me?

Just exactly what you think
I'm going to do to you.

[gasps]
No, you wouldn't do that. No.

- No, you wouldn't--
- Yeah, I will.

[Edith screams]

Hey, knock it off.
Knock it off.

All right,
just stay quiet, okay?

What are you going to do?

You aren't taking off
your clothes, are you?

Yeah. Then I'm going
to take yours off.

Wouldn't you like
a cup of coffee instead?

I don't drink coffee.

I got Sanka.

Lady, you're stalling,
and it ain't going to do you any good.

Now, this is going to happen,

so just relax, okay?

Listen,
I gotta get out of here.

See, I gotta get ready

for my birthday party.

Happy birthday.

[gasps]
Thank you.

Couldn't we do this
without kissing?

Yeah, yeah, okay,

but you're going to change
your mind.

Oh, there's something burning
in the kitchen.

What is it?

It's in the kitchen.

All right, all right,
come on, come on, come on.

There's something burning
in the kitchen.

[screams, crying]
There's a fire.

Fire! Oh!

My birthday cake!

[crying]
My birthday cake burning!

Lady, get rid of it.

Get rid of it.

[man grunts]

Oh, yeah,
now I see what your idea of a free country is.

You're free to say
anything you want,

but if anyone disagrees
with you,

they're either thrown
into jail or called a meathead, right?

That's right 'cause this is
America, land that I love.

I love it, too, Mr. Bunker.

It's because I do
that I protest when I think things are wrong.

And stand beside her
and guide her--

The right to dissent
is the principle from which this country was based.

...through the night
from above.

Listen to me.
It's in the Bill of Rights.

From the mountains
to the prairies...

Why do you think we
broke away from England to begin with?

- Because we didn't agree
with them! - ...to the oceans...

- We demanded freedom!
- ...white with foam.

It's guys like you--
It's guys like you who don't listen to reason.

God bless America,
you dumb Polack.

You're prejudiced!
You're prejudiced!

- My home sweet home.
- [all yelling]

Not anymore!
I'm leaving!

- * God bless America *
- You're prejudiced!

- Archie.
- Get away from me.

* My home *

* Sweet home *

Seven years ago,

in September of 1972,

the cover story of Time magazine

showed a photograph
of Archie Bunker,

Fred Sanford, and Maude,

and the banner headline
above them read,

"The New TV Season--

Toppling Old Taboos."

Inside the article recalled
the time,

not too many years before,

when Jack Paar walked off
The Tonight Show

because NBC
had edited out one line,

a reference
to the initials W.C.,

meaning "water closet,"

the British expression
for toilet.

- [laughter]
- They also recalled

the time in 1968

when Petula Clark momentarily
rested her white hand

on the black arm
of guest star Harry Belafonte

in a TV special
that they were doing,

and a major automobile company
struggled for weeks

to have the moment cut
out of the broadcast.

Time magazine went on to say,

"That was the way it was

"on network
entertainment shows.

"Blacks were visible
but untouchable,

"and bathrooms
simply did not exist.

"By and large any subjects
were fair game

"except those that bore

on the reality
of viewer's lives,"

end of quote.

There's Archie and Mike.

They argued about everything

that bore on the reality
of their lives.

A conservative
has been described

as a man with
two perfectly good legs,

who has never learned
to walk forward--

[laughter]

...and a liberal--

a person whose interests

don't happen to be at stake
at the moment.

As Archie and Mike
debated the issues,

we tried to keep
the political arguments

as even handed
as those descriptions.

We tried, but being human,

we make no claim
to have totally succeeded.

I still got faith in Nixon.

Which one?

Whatta you mean, which one?

- The Nixon who knew
why we should be in Vietnam? - Yes.

The Nixon who knew
all the reasons

- we had to be friends
with Russia and China? - Yes.

The Nixon who knew
all the secret reasons

- we had to keep bombing
Cambodia? - Yeah, damn right.

The Nixon who didn't know
a single thing about Watergate?

Watergate again!

Archie, when are you gonna--
when are you gonna stop

with this commie jazz?

It's all over, Arch.

The Red Scare kaput.

Nixon's going to Peking,
remember?

Hold it, buddy.
He ain't there yet.

What's that supposed to mean?

Five Presidents
have been warning us

for the last 25 years

against them Red chinks,

and nobody's going to tell me

that the signals is off now

and a billion enemies
is now our friends.

Oh, no, Mr. Nixon

has got something
up the sleeve.

Yeah, like recommending

they be admitted to the U.N.

Oh, that would be the day

when this country sits down

with a nation
of chink ping-pong players

who don't believe in God.

Those fireside chats
kept this country informed,

and one "My friends"
from Roosevelt

was worth a barrel
full of "Let me make this perfectly clears."

Oh...

now you're rapping
my President, huh?

Well, let me
tell you one thing about Richard E. Nixon.

He knows how to keep
his wife Pat home.

Roosevelt could never do that
with Eleanor.

She was always out
on the loose,

running around
with the coloreds,

telling them they was getting
the short end of the stick.

She was the one
that discovered the coloreds in this country.

We never knew they was there.

Hey, don't blame
the college kids.

Put the blame for unemployment
where it belongs,

right at the White House door.

Well, don't blame
President Ford, will you?

The man's doing
a hell of a job

for a guy nobody voted for.

I hate that jerk on TV!

Oh, I get it.
I get it.

When you thought
he was talking about VD

and a permissive society,
he was smart, huh?

You find out he's talking
about gun control, he's a jerk?

That's right,
and I'm going to prove it to you.

How many people
in this U.S. of A. would like to have guns?

Too many, thousands.

But how many people
would like to have VD?

There's the poor man
out in California.

He's out of a job.

He's got that big house
to maintain in San Clemency.

What about the rest
of the people in this country, huh, Arch?

Ford promised
no more secrets, no more surprises.

What does he do?
He turns around and pardons Nixon.

He done that
under direct orders, buddy boy.

From who?

God.

Arch, we want to watch
the election returns.

You care more
about a lousy movie

than you do
a Presidential election?

Certainly. What do I care
about something I know how it's going to come out?

Everybody know
how it's gonna come out,

including
them McGovern people.

See them on the news reels
with all the worried looks on their faces?

Yeah. Yeah, not the Nixons.

See the picture of Pat
in the paper today?

She was all smiles.

Yeah, well, maybe
she won't be smiling tomorrow.

Yeah, she will, buddy boy,

because when she wakes up
tomorrow morning,

she knows she's been sleeping

with the President
of the U.S. of A.

Is she going
to McGovern's place,

or is he going to hers?

Robert Frost said,
"The middle of the road

"is where the white line is--

and that's the worst place
to drive."

There were
no middle-of-the-roaders at the Bunkers',

and we've come in
for our share

of criticism about that.

Some people feel
that neither the characters nor the show

had a right to express
a point of view.

Well, throughout
the '50s and '60s

there were dozens
of television comedies

in which there were
no topical references,

no political discussions,

no mention of a current event,

and we've often thought,

by the very omission
of all reality,

those programs were expressing
a point of view, too.

They were telling us,
"You have no problem between the races.

"There is no inflation,

"no such thing as recession,
no unemployment.

"There are no problems
with the poor or the elderly,

"women are not seeking
equality,

and we are not in trouble
in Vietnam."

To us, the omission
of all social awareness

on the TV comedies
of the '50s and '60

just might have expressed
a stronger point of view

than any subject
we may have touched

in 8 1/2 years.

And speaking of Vietnam,

as Archie and Mike
wrestled with the problem,

so did the rest of us,

not that Archie
faced his feelings about Vietnam voluntarily.

He met them head on
at his own dinner table.

It was Christmas 1977.

How do you like that,
Pinky, huh?

We got a draft dodger here,

writes a snotty letter
to the Commander in Chief.

I mean, what the hell
do you do with that?

Look, Mr. Bunker,
I don't want to spoil your Christmas dinner,

so maybe I should go.

- Oh, no.
- Daddy, don't let him go. Don't make him--

Certainly he's got to go!

What are you talking about?

The FBI was to find him here,

we could all be having
Christmas dinner in the hoosegow.

Daddy, it's Christmas Eve.

Now, don't go making
a big crisis out of it.

Look, Arch, what David did
took a lot of guts.

What do you mean,
a lot of guts?

If my own father doesn't
understand, why should he?

When the hell
are you going to admit

that the war was wrong?

I ain't talking
about that war.

I don't want to talk about
that rotten damn war no more!

I'm talking
about something else!

And what he done was wrong!

Saying he won't go.

What do you think,
that all the people of this country

can say whether
or not they want to go to war?

You couldn't get a decent war
off the ground that way.

All the young people
would say no.

Sure they would

because they don't want
to get killed.

And that's why we leave it
to the Congress,

because them old crocks
ain't gonna get killed.

And they're going to do
the right thing

and get behind the President
and vote yes.

Arch, if my opinion
is of any importance--

Certainly
your opinion is important.

A gold star father.

Your opinion is more important

than anybody else
in this room,

and I want to hear
that opinion,

and I want these young people
here to hear that opinion.

Now, you tell them, Pinky.
You tell them.

I understand
how you feel, Arch.

My kid hated the war, too,

but he did what
he thought he had to do,

and David here did
what he thought he had to do.

But David's alive to share
Christmas dinner with us,

and if Steve were here,
he'd want to sit down with him,

and that's what I want to do.

Merry Christmas, David.

Merry Christmas, sir.

- Daddy--
- No, no, no, no.

Archie, please,
sit down and eat.

[muttering]
No, no, no, no.

But, Archie, it's Christmas.

I can't.

I gotta work this out, Edith.

I can't think about that.

But, Archie,
you asked Pinky what to do,

and you see what he's doing?

You ought to do the same.

Come on.

There's a drumstick for you.

Oh, Edith, I--

I ain't thinking
about eating, geez.

- I'll take it, Ma.
- Leave it on the plate. Leave it on the plate.

Um...

I don't want to stop
none of youse from...

eating Edith's
nice Christmas dinner here.

So you might as well eat it,

but I'll tell you one thing.

When dinner's over,

I still gotta work this out.

You better remind me
to do that, Edith.

Oh, I will.

Eat, eat, eat, eat.

We now rejoin
the 200th Episode Celebration

of All in the Family.

Hello, Dr. Shapiro.

This is Edith Bunker,
704 Hauser Street.

Would you please call us
as soon as you can

because my hu--

Hello, Dr. Shapiro.

This is Edith Bunker,
704 Hauser Street.

Would you please call us
as soon as you can

because my husband
Archie Bunker

thinks he got
infectious hepat--

Hello, Dr. Shapiro.
This is Edith Bunker, 704 Hauser Street.

[not audible]

What the hell are you doing
over there?

I'm talking
to a tape recorder.

They say give the message
when it beeps,

but they don't give you
enough time between beeps.

Give me that telephone!

Who else--

Who else but Edith Bunker

would try to make peace

with a telephone
answering machine?

George Bernard Shaw once said

that Christianity
might be a good thing

if anyone ever tried it.

Well, Edith has tried it.

Edith Bunker lives it.

Is it my deal?

No, wait a minute.
Forget the deal.

You don't play that bad.

You gave me this
10 of spades on purpose.

- I did?
- Yeah, you did.

Now, why did you do that?

Well, Archie,

I thought
it would make you feel better

if I let you win.

What?

That would be the day

when I gotta win by you
letting me win.

I was winning here
before you let me win.

You know what you done now?
You spoiled the game.

I don't want to play
with you no more.

You want to do
something together?

Do something together
by yourself.

Archie, I'm sorry.

I thought I was doing
a good thing.

Oh, sure, good thing.

That's you all over,

always doing good.

Edith the good.

You never get mad at nobody.

You never holler at nobody.

You never swear, no nothing.

You're like a saint, Edith.

You think it's fun living
with a saint?

It ain't.
It ain't at all.

Look at this.
You don't even cheat to win.

You cheat to lose.

I mean, Edith,
you ain't human.

That's a terrible thing
to say.

I'm just as human as you are.

Prove you're just
as human as me.

Do something rotten.

All right, I will.

You're a--

You're-- You're a--

Ohh!

[groans]

I can't.

I know you can't.

You can't do nothing
that ain't good.

You ain't--
You ain't human.

I am so, human!

How can you say that I'm not
after 23 years of marriage?

How can you stand there
and say I'm not human?

- [crying]
- Oh, geez, now you're going to cry, there, Edith.

I can't help it.
That was a terrible thing to say.

I can't stand here
and fight with you if you're going to cry.

I can't help it.

You say you're sorry,
and I'll stop crying.

- [crying]
- Stop that.

Stop that.

Archie, things will never be
the same between us

if you don't say you're sorry.

- Are you going
to stop crying? - I can't.

Then that's it.

Archie, where are you going?

I'm going to go out.

Archie, please,
say you're sorry.

I'll give you one more chance
to stop crying.

- You going to stop?
- I can't.

Then that's it.
Pushed me too far, Edith.

Good-bye.
Good-bye.

What's your secret?

Oh, I ain't got no secret.

Archie and me
still have fights,

but we don't let them go on
too long.

Somebody always says,
"I'm sorry,"

and Archie always says,
"That's okay, Edith."

And then we forget it.

No, Edith,
that's not what I mean.

I mean, you must be
doing something right

when you go to bed at night.

We go to sleep.

No, no, Edith.
Nothing-- Nothing more?

Well, nothing more
than we've been doing

since the minister
said we could.

But, Edith, do you see
pinwheels and sky rockets

and fireworks
like the Fourth of July?

With me and Archie,

it's more like Thanksgiving.

Archie, a present for me?

Certainly. Open it up.

Oh, very surprised.

Oh, Archie,

a Lady Gillette.

Oh.

Yeah, well, the drug store

was the only joint open
this time of night.

Thank you.

You like it?

Who wouldn't?

What about you two?

What happened
on your first date?

Make believe
you don't hear that.

Oh, I'll never forget it.

Try.

I was at the Puritan Maid
ice cream parlor--

Don't make it a long story,
will you?

Yeah, me and my cousin Mort.

[whining]
Mort.

We was having
one of their specials.

It was called a Steamboat.

Oh, it was so delicious--

five different flavors,

and Archie was sitting
at another table,

with that fellow
Jefferson Pratt.

Remember him?

Anyway, Archie was trying
to get my attention.

So first he put two straws
in his nose like a Walrus.

- And then...
- [applause]

[no audible dialogue]

No, anyplace you want to,
Archie.

Come on. Tell me,
where would you like to take me?

Well, I would like to take you
out to the kitchen

and introduce you
to some pots and pans.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

I see.

You don't wanna take me with you
when you get out

'cause you wanna get away
from me.

- Oh, Edith, geez.
- Is that right?

- Ain't that the truth?
- Edith.

It's the truth,
ain't it, Archie?

Ed-- All right.
You want the truth?

I'll tell you the truth.

The truth is,
that's the truth.

Sometimes. Sometimes.

Well, now, Edith,
I said sometimes.

I said sometimes there.

Don't go falling apart
on me, will you?

We're married 27 years there.

Don't mess around
with a perfect marriage.

Where you going?

I'm going out.

Edith, what are you
talking about?

Where you going alone?

See, Archie,

I gotta get away
from you tonight.

[audience applauding, cheering]

Edith, Edith, Edith,

I asked you where you was going.

Where are you going?

I'm going where the action is.

[audience applauding, cheering]

[people whistling]

I'm gonna thank God--
Thank God.

Thanks.
You're okay in my book.

No, really, Edith.
Now, we gotta have

- a little thankfulness
around here, you know? - Oh, yeah.

Hey, hey, church on Sunday, huh?

- Oh, Archie,
that would be nice. - Yeah.

Yeah. Maybe
I'll even go with ya.

[applause]

The fact that Archie
never went to church very much

never kept him from
his own interpretation of the Bible.

Of course, people have
been interpreting the Bible

for their own purposes
for centuries.

But none of them
could've done so

with any more passion
or any more convolution

than Abe Bunker,
from the vicinity of his chair,

at 704 Hauser Street, Queens.

Let me tell you something.

When the missionaries
went into darkest Africa

to bring God to the natives,

you think they asked
their permission?

Like hell. They dragged them
out of the trees

and right down to the river,

and they held them under there

until they seen the light.

And the natives
was glad about that,

because that's the way
they found God.

And then later on,

when they was chained to
the bottom of the slave ships,

why, they was happy
because they had somebody

to pray to there, see?

Which proves that
for everybody's own good,

you gotta use force.

That's the Christian way.

Edith, do you know
where God sends people

who dares go against His will?

- Where?
- To hell, hell, hell!

Now, Edith, he sent down
plagues on you, Edith.

Thousands of "berls"
like he put onto Job there,

and locusts there
to rip up your lung

and eat your hedges there,

and then send down hailstones
as big as baseballs

to bust your roof out there.

He could ram you
within the belly of a whale.

If God gets sore enough
with you, Edith,

he could your jawbone
into an ass.

If God had meant man to fight,

why didn't he put guns
in the Garden of Eden?

Who the hell is Adam
gonna shoot, Eve?

And why is he gonna
do that anyway?

'Cause she's gotta
help him populate the world

and make his breakfast for him.

And when the world
gets population enough,

and you got enough people
in the world to make armies,

then God sent down a way
that they could invent the gun.

And I think that German preacher
Martin "Luger"

made the first one.

I swear, I think
you do these things sometimes

just to eat my heart out.

And that's what you do,
you know.

Little by little,
piece by piece,

you eat my heart out.

I don't care.

Well, you're not gonna
get away with this.

- What are you
gonna do about it? - This.

Watergate, Watergate,
Watergate, Watergate, Watergate, Watergate!

- Watergate, Watergate,
Watergate, Watergate! - Don't say that no more!

Goddamn it!

What happened to you?

- You shouldn't swear like that.
- I didn't swear.

- You shouldn't swear like that.
- I didn't swear.

- You swore, you swore.
- I did not. I did not.

Ever since this Watergate thing,

it's "G.D. this and G.D. that."

That ain't swearing, Edith--
G.D.

The first word there is "God,"
ain't it?

How can that be a swear word--

the most popular word
in the Bible?

The second word--
that's "damn."

That's a perfectly good word.
You hear that all the time.

Like, uh, they dammed the river
to keep it from flooding, see?

And even in the Bible,
you read where some guy

is damned for cheating
or stealing

or committing "insects"
in the family.

And who damned them?
Who else? God!

God damned him!

Edith, beautiful words
right out of the holy book.

Don't show your ignorance.

[applause]

Archie-- Archie
could use the Bible

to rationalize
his poorest behavior.

Nothing new in that.

Nothing new in using the Bible
to rationalize bigotry either.

Has the presence on television
of Archie Bunker, the bigot,

helped to assuage
the problem of bigotry in our society?

Or has it reinforced it?

The question
has been raised often,

and we don't know the answer.

But we're convinced
that part of it rests

in how smart we perceive
the American people to be.

The social critic H.L. Mencken

may have done us a great harm
when he quipped,

"No one ever lost money

underestimating the intelligence
of the American people."

I think we're all losers

every time
our leaders believe that.

Anyway,
however much we may laugh

at the way Archie expresses
his outrageous prejudices,

and however loveable
he may be in other respects,

we are content
that the American people know very well

that Archie Bunker,
the bigot,

is basically a horse's ass.

[laughter]

Are you telling me the Pope
gets a kickback on chain letters?

Well, I didn't say that,
but figure it out yourself.

He lives in a big palace,
don't he?

Got about a thousand dollars'
worth of paintings

on the ceiling alone.

He's got a ring bigger
than Elizabeth "Taylorses."

And he dresses better
than Jackie "Manasses."

You don't pay for all that stuff
selling meatballs.

Oh, no.
I'm gonna sue that guy.

First thing in the morning,
I gotta get myself a good Jew lawyer.

Archie, do you always
have to label people?

Why can't you just get a lawyer?
Why does it have to be a Jewish lawyer?

'Cause when I'm
gonna sue an "Ayrab," I'm gonna get a guy

that's full of hate.

Just because a guy is sensitive
and he's an intellectual,

and he wears glasses,
you make him out a queer.

I never said a guy
who wears glasses is a queer.

A guy who wears glasses
is a four-eyes.

A guy who is a fag is a queer.

They like to be called Chicanos,
all right?

Aw, who cares?
What's in a name anyhow, huh?

In my day, nobody went around
calling themselves

Chicano, Mexican-Americans,
Afro-Americans.

We was all Americans.

After that, if a guy
was a jig or a spic, it was his own business.

His wife, Ramona, told him.

And she got it straight
from their own doctor,

a regular white guy.

Nothing personal.
I mean, you understand me.

- Oh, sure. I understand you.
- Yeah.

Them white doctors,
they sure knows their stuff.

Boy, that Marcus Welby,

he must make 15 million
house calls a week.

Mm, mm, mm, mm.

[whoops]

[applause]

[chuckles]

Where does-- Where does
Archie's prejudice come from?

Where does anyone's
prejudice come from?

Oscar Hammerstein told us

you've got to be
carefully taught.

Archie and Mike
were stuck one night

in the storeroom
of Archie's bar.

It was cold,
and they had been drinking.

So I couldn't go to school
with only one shoe, see?

But my mother--
she found a boot.

So I had a shoe
on one foot there,

and a boot on the other.

A shoe and a boot.
Shoe, boot.

So the kids called me
Shoebootie.

The kids
all made fun of you, huh?

Yeah, they all made fu--

Well, all except
one little black kid by the name of Winston.

A black kid liked you?

No, the black kid
beat the hell outta me.

Why?

I-- I don't know.
Nothing much.

Well, he must've had a reason.

Well, he said
that I said he was a nigger.

Well, did you?

Sure.

Well, then that's the reason.

What the hell reason was that?

That's what all them people
was called in them days there.

I mean, everybody we knew
called them people niggers.

That's all my old man
ever called them there.

Did you ever think that possibly

your father just might be wrong?

Wrong-- my old man?
Don't be stupid.

My old man--
Let me tell you about him.

He was never wrong
about nothing.

- Yes, he was, Arch.
- Huh?

Father who made you...

wrong?

Your father,

the breadwinner
in the house there,

the man who goes out

and busts his butt
to keep a roof over your head

and clothes on your back--

You call your father wrong?

Hey, hey, your father--

Your father--

that's the man that comes home,

bringing you candy.

Your father's the first guy
to throw a baseball to you

and take you for walks

in the park,

hold me by the hand.

My father held me by the hand.

Oh, hey.

My father had a hand on him--

Oh, I tell you.

He busted that had once,

and he busted it on me

to teach me to do good.

Hmm?

My father-- he shoved me
in the closet

for seven hours
to teach me to do good

'cause he loved me.

He loved me.

Don't be looking at me!

[grumbles]

Aah.

Let me tell you something.

You're supposed
to love your father

'cause your father loves you.

Now, how can any man
that loves you

tell you anything
that's wrong?

What's the use in talking?

[muttering]

[grunts]

[mutters]

[sighs]

[sighs]

Good night, Shoebootie.

Thank you.

There was a time
when All in the Family

could not be seen on television
before 9:00 p.m.

The network hierarchy
wanted to protect children

from its frank language,

which could be heard,
of course, any day,

on any school playground
anywhere in the country.

Children also needed protection,

these executives thought,
from the candid way

we handled human sexuality.

How much protection
this afforded children we don't know,

since the very same shows
were being run

five times a week, in the middle
of the afternoon anyway.

We mention this
not to berate the network,

but to point up
the schizophrenic attitude

about sex
that pervades our society,

right up to, and including,

some of the nation's
most prominent executives.

If they can't deal with,

what then should we expect
from an Edith or Archie Bunker

as they attempt to deal
with the problems

of human sexuality
in their lives.

Ma, did you ever wonder
if Daddy stopped loving you?

Is that what's bothering you?

You think your father
don't love me no more?

No, Ma, it's not Daddy
I'm thinking about,

it's Michael.

Michael. Why would Michael
love me no more?

No, Ma, the problem's
between Michael and me.

Oh. Well, what is it?

Ma, you know I can't tell you
about a sexual problem.

- Sexu--
- Yes.

Can I?

Why not?

I mean, I'm your mother,

and if you have
a problem about s--

s-something to do with...

one of those problems,

you can tell me.

All right. It's Michael.

You see, lately,
we've been apart.

Why?

Well, lately,
he hasn't been able to--

You see, I can't tell you.

Oh, Gloria, I'm sorry.

It's crazy.

The longer it goes on,
the more worried he gets

and the more guilty
about himself and the more angry at me.

Oh, well, don't worry.

I'm sure it'll be all right.

I have a call into Dr. Kermit.

Maybe he'll know what's wrong.

Oh, sure. He'll know.

It's probably just something
that's going around.

What's the problem
with them two?

Well, Archie, I don't know
the whole story, but...

Oh, I just can't tell you.

You just don't like
to hear about such things.

I like to hear about everything
that's going on in this house.

Now, what kind of a problem
have they got?

Well, it's sexual.

Shush.

You know I don't like to hear
nothing about that there.

You better hear
about this, Archie.

Well, all right.
You can tell me.

But start slow.

Don't put in nothing extra, see?

And I'll say "stop"
when I know what it is.

Well...

You remember you once told me

about a fella,
Petie Simpson,

who came back from the war?

Stop. I know what it is.

- And he wasn't able to--
- Stop! I know what it is.

Mm-hmm.

- Oh, nah, Edith.
- Oh, yeah.

Gloria told me.

And she was there.

I don't have a condition,
I'm pregnant.

Don't say that.

Can't you say you're expecting?

Geez, "pregnant" sounds
like you done something.

We did.

When I was a little girl
and a woman was starting to show,

they used to say she was
expecting a bundle from heaven.

But, of course, everybody knew
it was really a baby.

I wish we could
get back to them days.

What this world needs
is a little more of that class.

Well, here and before,
when we talk about Gloria's condition now,

we're just gonna say
she's expecting.

Or in a family way.

Or with child.

How do you feel
about "knocked up"?

Edith, read a magazine.

- All right.
- [grunts]

Maybe I shouldn't
look at this one, Archie.

Aw, read it, read it, read it.

[sighs]

Gimme that!

Turn around
and drop your pants.

Come on. You're a lady.

I'm a registered nurse.

Believe me,
yours won't be my first.

Drop 'em.

You mean all the way down?

Mr. Bunker, I have patients
waiting out there!

All right, all right.
Don't yell at me, huh?

Geez.

Now the shorts.

You know, uh...

I hate to say this,
but a nice girl

would shoot me
through the shorts.

The shorts.

Oh, geez.

I feel like a flasher.

Don't be embarrassed,
Mr. Bunker.

To me, it's just another
face in the crowd.

Agh! Oh! Mm!

[applause]

Cut it out, will you?
Tell her [blows raspberry]!

I will not.

All right.
Then you tell he that. You do that pretty good.

I won't go [blows raspberry]
to my mother.

Why the hell not?

You go [blows raspberry]
to your father every chance you get.

I only go [blows raspberry]
to you

when you go [blows raspberry]
to me.

Well, [blows raspberry] to
the whole damn bunch of youse!

[blows raspberry]

[applause]

A lot--
A lot has been made

of the decibel level
on All in the Family.

They shout too much.

The complaint is legitimate,

unless you happen
to come from a family

who lives at
the top of their lungs

and the ends of their nerves.

Those of you who do know
such a family might agree

that the unbridled passion
of the Bunkers and the Stivics

is more than just loud,

there's also a celebration
of life.

But don't let me
talk you into it.

That's just the way we feel.

Gloria-- Gloria,
just because I wanna show you my love,

that doesn't mean that
you have to go and get pregnant!

- What do you mean, me?
- Ow!

Gee, you think I can
get pregnant all by myself?

Ow!

I'm tired of being the one
that has to take all of the precautions.

- Ow!
- Why don't you do something about it for a change?

Because it doesn't work
if I take the pill!

There are other methods!

[choking]

Gloria, you know

that you hate male
contraceptives as much as I do!

Now, I know it's not fair
for the woman to take all the precautions!

But that's the way things are!

You were born with all the parts
that need protection!

Yeah, because you were born
with all the parts we need protection from!

Let go of me!

Ohh!

What the hell is going on here?

Now, I am sorry,

but I have had it.

I have no more remembering
to take the pill,

no IUDs, no nothing.

From now on,

it is up to you, buster.

Up to me?

Yeah.

If you're the one
that's so gung ho

about not bringing
any more children in this world,

then do something about it.

Get a vasectomy.

Ow!

Hello, Archie.
How was your day?

Does that answer your question?

Oh, yeah, I guess so.

Would it make you feel
any better if I told you

that today is Henry Mancini's
birthday?

Oh, hello, Gloria.
How was your day at work?

Lousy, Ma.
I'm telling you,

it's a city full of weirdoes
out there.

Oh, Ma...

Ma...

To begin with,
it was sales day at the store.

Do you have any idea
what 50% off

does to nice, normal women?

It turns them
into raving lunatics.

Did you ever see a size 18 fatso
trying to zip herself into a size 10?

- No, but I remember--
- Ma! I'm talking, Ma.

Now, if that wasn't bad enough,

coming home on the bus
I felt like a sardine in a can.

And lucky me,
I got to be standing right next to a groper.

He made me feel like
a fresh loaf of Wonder Bread.

Oh, my.

I tell you, the only good thing
about getting on a bus nowadays

is knowing that
you're getting off again.

Hold it.
Hold it there, little girl.

I can hear them complaints
all the way up in the terlet.

Listen, you ain't be working
long enough to know,

but when you come home
at the end of the day,

you're supposed to leave
your troubles outside the door.

You come in with a cheerful word
and a smile.

Don't be bringing
your burdens in here and dumping them on your mother.

Will you get supper
on the table?

Give me that now.
Give me that now.

No.

Oh, ain't that lovely?

- Give me that.
- Oh, no!

- Give me-- Give me that!
- Oh, no! No, no!

- Oh, oh, oh!
- [yells]

Where did you learn
a low-class dodge like that?

Oh, that's a high-class dodge.

Bette Davis done it.

And Joan Crawford
and Claudette Colbert,

Loretta Young--
they all done this.

[mimicking]
They all done this.

Well, Clark Gable
and Spencer Tracy

and Tyrone Power
and Archie Bunker-- we all done this here!

- Oh, no! [yelling]
- Gimme that! Give it!

- Give it! Give me that!
- No!

Edith!

Gimme that!

Come on now!
Come on now, Edith!

- Edith! Edith!
- Ohh. Ohh.

- I want it!
- No! I ain't giving to you.

Edith, I gotta have it!

You're an animal.

- Oh, inhale, exhale.
- [inhales, exhales]

Inhale. Swallow. Push.

- Here it is. Here it is.
- Two, three, four--

- The head is coming.
- The head is coming.

- Six, seven, eight.
- Take it nice and easy.

- [inhales]
- One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight.

- That-a-girl. That-a-girl.
- Okay. Okay.

- Keep pushing.
- One, two, three--

- Like stepping on
the accelerator of a car. - ...four, five--

I don't drive.

Keep pushing.
Did you hear that?

You hear what she said?
She said she doesn't drive.

She's sitting here
panting and pushing, and she's making jokes!

Isn't she terrific?
She's terrific!

Terrific, honey! Just terrific!
Isn't she terrific! She's terrific!

Keep calm, Mr. Stivic.

We haven't lost a father yet.

Did you hear
what she said, honey?

We haven't lost a father yet!
Isn't she terrific?

- Everybody's terrific!
- [Doctor] Gloria, you're doing fine.

- Okay, honey.
- Fine.

Now stop pushing
and look at the mirror.

Just blow, honey.
Just blow. Don't push.

- Blow. Blow.
- Now the head is coming.

- Here's the head.
- Oh!

- Beautiful! Beautiful!
- Is it a boy or a girl?

I can't tell
from just the ears.

[Mike]
Let me hold your head, sweetie.

Gloria, Gloria,
just one more little push.

- One little push, honey.
One little push. - Okay.

- You have a son.
- We have a son!

- Aah!
- A healthy son.

We have a son!

We have a son!

We have a son!

[applause]

Mr. Archie Bunker?

Who is it, Edith?

Just a minute.

It sounds like the operator.

It's for Mr. Archie Bunker.

What is it,
a long-distance call?

That's what it sounds like.

[clearing throat]
Hello.

This is Archie Bunker here.
Yeah.

Huh?

Will I hold for Eddie Frazier?

Sure, I'll hold
for Eddie Frazier.

Hey, Edith, it's Eddie Frazier.

He must be calling me from
the Coast to find out about--

Hello? Yeah, I'm holding.

Here. Edith,
you take this thing. Keep the line alive, will you?

He's calling me from California.

A guy worth 35 million dollars!

[toilet flushes]

Just-- Yes.

Just a minute now.
He's right here.

Mr. Bunker had to answer
another call.

[applause]

The toilet flush.

I guess nothing we have done
on All in the Family

has offended some people more

than our occasional use
of bathroom humor.

We never did it to offend.

We did it because
we found it funny and dear.

The very first laugh that
a parent shares with a child

probably has something to do

with the child's
toilet training.

You remember.

So we have never understood why

such sweet shared moments

should lose
any of their sweetness

when we laugh at them
together as grown-ups.

There we go.

Now we get it off there.

Now we get it off...

It's okay. It's okay.

Only take a minute here.

There we go. Yeah.

Now we get it
all together here.

Now, I'll be right with you.
Now don't move.

[crying]

Okay, okay.
I ain't leaving the room.

Here we are.
This is gonna feel good.

We get it all wiped off.

Won't it-- Take it easy.
Take it easy there.

Getting it all wiped off.

Get it nice and clean there.

And, uh-- And then we, uh...

Aahh.

Yeah, we got a didey
coming for you now.

Yeah.
It's a nice clean one.

- [cries]
- Okay. Take it easy there.

Now...

[applause]

There you have it.

There you have it.
Our critics new

that All in the Family would
finally come to this one day--

frontal nudity.

- [laughter]
- Actually, when the network

first saw the script
that called for this scene,

they did come to us
with a problem.

They wanted to be sure that
when Archie diapered the baby,

we cut about here
so that his hands

and the infant's parts
were out of camera range.

We asked why,
and the individual

that came to laughed,
and he said,

"Come on. You know why.
You can't do that on television.

"There's gonna be a tremendous
knee-jerk reaction

in the middle of the country."

It's always
the middle of the country

that won't understand,
they say.

But the middle of the country
survived that shock,

and that one state
seceded from the Union.

[laughter]

All of this raises
an important question

for all of us, however.

Do we want television
to be free enough

to provoke and stimulate
and irritate

and even offend us sometimes?

Or do we want such freedom

declared a misuse
of the medium

and thereby
lose the opportunity

to share, either with delight
or dismay,

such real moments

as the one taking place
behind me?

Right there, boy.

[muttering]

I got a hell of a job here.

[baby crying]

Over there, okay?

That's okay.

I'll take care of you
in a minute here.

Get this down here.

Tape that over there
and over there.

You'll be real safe,
all right?

There.

Hang on there.

There you go. Okay, kid?

Before we bring out the stars
of All In the Family,

we'd like to close
as we began--

with one of our
very favorite scenes.

I love you, Ma.

I love you, Gloria.

Hey.

I love you, Daddy.

Uh, your daddy certainly
loves you, little girl.

[horn honks]

- No!
- Here.

The taxi meter's
running out there, you know?

You-- You better call them two
out of the kitchen, huh?

Yeah. Go do that.

M-Michael,
the cab driver's honking.

Okay, honey.

You want to take Joey?

- Joey!
- Come on, Joey.

- Goodbye, Joey.
- Say goodbye to Grandma.

- Here, say goodbye to Grandpa.
- So long, Joe.

- Put your coat on.
- So long, Joe.

- Goodbye.
- So long, Joe.

Remember Grandma loves you.

- I love you, Mike.
- I love you, Ma.

Hey, uh, the taxi meter's
running on there, you know.

It's got to be at least
a $15 ride out there.

You don't want to add
to it, you know.

No use in doing that, you know.

They charge you enough
for them rides.

Yeah, yeah.

Gloria! Gloria!

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Ma.

Goodbye, Joey.

- Goodbye, Mike.
- Bye, Ma.

I--

- Arch--
- Hey, listen,

have a good trip there, huh?

Have a good trip.

- Oh. Yeah.
- Yeah.

I know you always thought
I hated you--

[Archie]
Oh, shh.

But I love you.

Hey, uh, you be sure
and send postcards

every now and then, will you?

Because your mother-in-law,
she's--

she's gonna--

she's gonna want to know
that you're all right.

You know?

Well, it's a good sky.

Uh, take off
and have a good trip.

Yeah. Bye, Arch.

[taxi motor starts]

Ladies and gentlemen--

after eight and a half years
and 200 episodes,

Miss Sally Struthers.

- [applause]
- Six months pregnant.

Rob Reiner.

Miss Jean Stapleton.

And, ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. Carroll O'Connor!

** ["Remembering You"]

And now let's join
the after-show party

in the Founders' Circle

at the Music Center's
Dorothy Chandler Pavillion.

[no audible dialogue]

Our thanks to the Los Angeles
Philharmonic

for their gracious
cooperation.

Production assistance
and financial consideration

provided by the Los Angeles
Bonaventure.

For the 200th episode
celebration

of All In the Family,

this is Dick Tufeld speaking.

Thank you for joining us.

Closed-Captioned By
J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0