Original subtitles

* Boy, the way Glenn Miller played *

* Songs that made the hit parade *

* Guys like us, we had it made *

* Those were the days *

* And you knew where you were then *

* Girls were girls, and men were men *

* Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again *

* Didn't need no welfare state *

* Everybody pulled his weight *

* Gee, our old LaSalle ran great *

* Those were the days *

So you had your first Sunday in Sunday school today, huh?

Was it fun?

No.

Don't say that about Sunday school.

It's true.

I know that,

but it ain't religious to say that.

You know, I swear I remember my first Sunday in Sunday school, you know,

and what it was that they learnt me there.

I think it was all about Moses and the Ark.

Noah.

Huh?

Noah and the Ark.

Moses floated down the Nile in a basket.

That's right.

What do you know?

[MOCKINGLY] That's right.

I think what she's talking about there's

what you call, uh, Elizabeth Taylor on a barge.

You're the one that could use a little Sunday school.

May I be excused?

- No. - Yeah.

Oh, gee.

I'm gonna go read my Sunday school books.

Now, take your milk with you, and take your sandwich.

I'll just take the pickle.

They pickles and milk gives you bow legs.

Oh, Archie...

Oh, you should have been in church with me this morning.

It was lovely.

Well, I seen church on television--

some woman working cures.

Did she cure anybody?

Yeah, she cured me of looking at her.

Reverend Chong gave such a beautiful sermon,

and he read from the Bible

the story about how Jesus fed 5,000 people

with five loaves and two little fishes.

Oh, and his voice was so beautiful,

and the organ music was playing,

and the sun was coming through the stained glass window.

It was so inspiring.

And you know what I was thinking about all that time?

No, what?

That we have tuna fish sandwiches for lunch.

Well, I told you, I don't want no tuna fish.

Oh, eat it. It's solid white and water packed.

I wouldn't care if it was Moby Dick.

You know, I remember years ago asking my old man

about that Bible story, you know?

And I says to him,

"How could the Lord feed all 'em thousands of people

on five loaves and two little fishes?"

And what did he say?

He hit me with a shovel.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

No, hold it, hold it.

Don't always rush to the door.

Ask who it is, and then when they tell you,

tell them it's Sunday, you're out!

Who is it?

MAN: It's Reverend Chong, Mrs. Bunker.

I'm getting the hell out of here.

Wait, maybe he wants to see you.

I don't want to see him.

Don't you know that it's bad luck to look upon a clergyman

more than seven blocks from the church?

Oh, Archie.

Let him in, whoop it up.

Tsk, oh.

Coming!

I'm sorry to keep you waiting.

Come in, Reverend Chong.

- Thank you. - Let me have your coat.

Make yourself comfortable.

I bet you'd like a tuna fish sandwich.

Oh, no, thanks, I already had lunch.

Oh.

I can't stay long. I'd like to talk to you about Stephanie.

Oh, yeah, well, sit down.

Thank you.

Oh, she liked Mrs. Johnson

in Sunday school this morning.

She said she was a very good teacher.

Well, Stephanie is a very good teacher, too.

She explained to the entire class that the Last Supper

consisted of hard-boiled eggs, lamb and matzo.

Oh, my, ain't that smart.

I've been looking at that picture all my life,

and I could never figure out what they was eatin'.

She also told the class

that the Last Supper was a Seder.

A Seder? The feast of Passover.

She told Mrs. Johnson she learned that

in her last Sunday school...

the Temple Beth Israel.

Oh...

That don't sound Episcopal.

That's because it's Jewish.

Oh.

Oh.

You see, Stephanie is Jewish.

Oh, no.

Yes, she is.

Oh, no, how could she be?

All my family is Episcopal.

Except my aunt Bertha's daughter Florence,

who become a Lutheran,

and her half-brother Herbert,

who become a Mormon in Ogden, Utah,

except until he found out

that he wasn't allowed to have three wives.

Then he give up religion altogether.

You see, my aunt Tessie's stepson by her second marriage,

is Floyd and he is Stephie's father,

and he is Episcopal.

Uh, but Stephanie's mother wasn't.

Stephanie's mother was Jewish,

and the child was being raised in her mother's faith.

Ohh...

Where did you hear all this?

Stephanie told Mrs. Johnson this morning.

Now, if you and Mr. Bunker

want her to continue in our Sunday school,

she's perfectly welcome.

ARCHIE: Hey, Edith, is he gone yet?

No, I'm leaving now, Mr. Bunker!

ARCHIE: [STAMMERING] Oh, yeah, well, Reverend, you're still here.

Uh, well, listen, I'll be seeing you in church there,

uh, eh, Reverend Ching, uh...

BOTH: Chong!

[TOILET FLUSHING]

I'm sorry.

That's all right.

Just let me know what you decide, Mrs. Bunker.

Oh, yeah. Well, I don't know.

I mean, I guess I better talk to Stephie first.

And then I got to tell Archie.

Don't worry, Mrs. Bunker, all right?

However it works out, God loves us all.

ARCHIE: I'm feeling a hell of a draft from somewhere.

Truly all.

Good-bye, Mrs. Bunker.

Good-bye, Reverend Chong.

Thank you.

Stephie, can I come in?

Okay.

You enjoying your new books?

Mm-hmm.

Reverend Chong was just here.

He said that you helped teach

in Sunday school this morning.

Stephie?

Is it true your mother was Jewish?

Mm-hmm.

But why didn't you never tell us?

I don't know.

You musta had a reason.

My father said not to talk about it.

It would make trouble.

Why?

He said if Uncle Archie knew, he would call me a heeb.

Stephie...

Tsk, your uncle Archie loves you,

and he ain't never gonna stop loving you.

You know, you mustn't pay too much attention

to what comes out of your uncle Archie's mouth.

It's what's going on in his heart that matters,

not what's going on in his head.

What's going on in his head?

Nothin'.

Nothin' much.

But, no--I mean...

nothin' that you and me gotta worry about.

I spent one hell of a night, Edith.

You know, I hardly slept a wink,

and it was all your fault.

What was bothering you

the way you was thrashing around in that bed up there?

With them long toenails of yours,

I felt like I was sleeping in a gunny sack full of cats.

Good morning.

What is good about it?

Look what I made for you,

banana waffles with boysenberry syrup.

Yummy yummy in the tummy!

Oh, hold it, hold it.

Hold it. Hold it, Edith.

Come on, now, huh?

This is, uh, Monday morning'.

why are you treating me

to waffles and syrup on a Monday morning?

Because Stephanie is Jewish.

Edith, I'm getting sharp pain right here.

It's true, Archie. Stephanie is Jewish.

Stephanie--stop that.

Stop, stop that. Stop that.

How could the kid get to be Jewish?

She's only been with us for a few months,

we've been watching her every minute.

Because her mother was Jewish.

Her m--

Wait a minute, don't move.

What are you trying to tell me?

That Floyd married a Jewish girl?

Yeah.

Oh, come on, Edith.

He wouldn't of-- What are you talking about?

There ain't a self-respecting Jewish girl in this world

that'd be dumb enough to marry a deadbeat like Floyd.

Yeah, there was.

Oh, Edith, come on, will ya?

You don't know the Jewish people at all.

Listen to me.

Jewish girls are too smart for that.

They're all out huntin' for dentists and doctors,

and lawyers.

And they're gettin' them, too.

Archie, Stephanie couldn't be wrong

about her own mother.

Freeze.

What are you saying, Edith?

Are you saying that the child herself told you this, Edith?

Oh, yeah.

Well...

Then I guess it's true.

Yeah.

Oh, well, Edith, all I gotta say is

that this whole thing is the fault

of that gorgeous family of yours over there,

hiding this all these years.

Oh, what a bunch of bigots they are!

Ashamed to have one Jewish person in the family.

[CHUCKLES] Gee.

Oh, well, what are you gonna do?

Well, there's no big problem about it, Edith.

I mean, I guess it's just left for you and me,

now that we know the child is Jewish, to do the decent thing.

What?

Keep our mouth shut about it.

Oh, Archie, that ain't decent.

Well, it certainly ain't indecent, Edith.

We want to bring her up the way we are.

All we do is take her over to our church,

there we get the minister to baptize the kid.

that's, like, he endorses her over to our side.

No, Archie, we can't do that.

See, her mother was bringing her up to be Jewish,

so it's our duty to bring her up the same way.

Her mother's dead!

Her mother ain't got nothin' to say.

Oh, her mother got a lot to say.

Oh, well, geez, I'd love to hear a little of that, Edith.

Maybe the two of us, we oughta run over

to the cemetery in Nutley, New Jersey,

and sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk

with the remains.

No, I got a better idea.

I think we should call that temple on 97th Street,

and talk to the rabbi there about Stephie.

- I'm gonna do it right now. - Edith, that ain't gonna do you no good.

You ain't gonna get anything out of that!

Edith, listen to me!

That rabbi ain't gonna talk to you.

I know that old man for years and years.

He won't let you in there,

and he won't come out and say a word to you.

Unless you want to roller skate around his temple.

- Hello. - EDITH: Oh, how do you do?

- How do you do? - I'm Mrs. Bunker.

And this is my husband, Mr. Bunker.

How do you do. What can I do for you?

Oh, nothing at all, kiddo,

we're looking for the rabbi.

I'm the rabbi.

Make yourself comfortable, please.

What?

What do you mean you--?

Where's the real old guy

that used to come out and throw rocks back at us?

Oh, rabbi Promberg. He's in Israel.

Oh... [MUMBLES]

I'm rabbi Jacobs.

- What can I do for you? - ARCHIE: Oh, yeah.

We come to see you about a little girl

named Stephanie Mills.

She's staying with us now,

on account of her mother was killed

in an automobile accident.

Now, you see, my aunt Tessie has a stepson...

All right, Edith, don't get into the whole family.

...by her second marriage named Floyd,

and he's Stephie's father.

Nobody cares.

- He married a Jewish girl. - Don't start this whole--

Edith, let me talk, huh?

Let me talk, let me talk, please, huh?

Now, listen, Rabbi--

That's what you want to call yourself.

I gotta tell you straight out.

The only reason I'm here is to prove my wife is wrong,

and to keep her from doing something stupid.

Now, I'm in charge of this kid.

Oh, we are.

Right, we are.

And we want her, you know, brung up in what we are.

What are we?

Episcopal.

Yeah, whatever.

I'm trying to tell my wife here that

you wouldn't want this kid anyhow

because at best, she's only half a Jew.

Now, would you tell my wife she's wrong?

She thinks that because the child's mother was Jewish,

that that makes the child one of yous.

Your wife is right.

What did you say?

He said, "Your wife is right."

I heard what he said.

What about the child's father, huh?

I know he ain't worth nothin',

but don't he mean something?

Mr. and Mrs. Bunker, according to our law,

if the mother is Jewish, so is the child.

Oh! Well, do you have a school here

where they would teach Stephie

how to grow up to be Jewish?

Yes, I give religious instruction every Tuesday afternoon.

Not on Sunday?

Sunday, I play tennis.

But Stephanie would be in Sunday school then.

Oh, well, then, we'd like to sign her up.

Agreed, all you have to do is sign this on the bottom.

Now, there is one other thing,

the matter of the Sunday school tuition,

that would be $100.

Thank you. And the hundred dollars

covers more than just a tuition.

What else do we get?

You are now members of Temple Beth Shalom.

Mazel tov.

- Thank you. - Mazel tov.

Yeah, likewise.

Oh, mazel tov to you. Mazel tov.

Edith, Edith, I'm sorry I can't take the whole thing in!

I mean, here I am, with a little Jewish kid in the house.

How the hell do I make that work?

Me, a life-long Christian?

Try a little Christian charity.

Hi!

Hi.

What's the matter with you, you mad at me?

No.

Are you mad at me?

No, I ain't mad at you.

You didn't do nothin'.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I got something for you today. Here.

See, it's a...

It's this here.

I just happened to be passing the store.

STEPHANIE: It's pretty.

Supposed to go around your neck, so...

I'll do that for you.

Yeah, that ain't bad.

You know, you gotta love somebody to give 'em one of them.

I mean, you gotta love everything about them.

[***]

All in the Family was played to a studio audience

for live responses.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0