All language subtitles for All In the Family s09e20 Conversion.eng

* Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played *

* Songs that made
the hit parade *

* Guys like us,
we had it made *

* Those were the days *

* And you knew
where you were then *

* Girls were girls,
and men were men *

* Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again *

* Didn't need
no welfare state *

* Everybody
pulled his weight *

* Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great *

* Those were the days *

So you had your first Sunday
in Sunday school today, huh?

Was it fun?

No.

Don't say that
about Sunday school.

It's true.

I know that,

but it ain't religious
to say that.

You know, I swear
I remember my first Sunday in Sunday school, you know,

and what it was that
they learnt me there.

I think it was all
about Moses and the Ark.

Noah.

Huh?

Noah and the Ark.

Moses floated down
the Nile in a basket.

That's right.

What do you know?

[MOCKINGLY]
That's right.

I think what she's
talking about there's

what you call, uh,
Elizabeth Taylor on a barge.

You're the one that could use
a little Sunday school.

May I be excused?

- No.
- Yeah.

Oh, gee.

I'm gonna go read
my Sunday school books.

Now, take your milk with you,
and take your sandwich.

I'll just
take the pickle.

They pickles and milk
gives you bow legs.

Oh, Archie...

Oh, you should
have been in church with me this morning.

It was lovely.

Well, I seen church
on television--

some woman working cures.

Did she cure anybody?

Yeah, she cured me
of looking at her.

Reverend Chong gave
such a beautiful sermon,

and he read from the Bible

the story about
how Jesus fed 5,000 people

with five loaves
and two little fishes.

Oh, and his voice
was so beautiful,

and the organ music
was playing,

and the sun was coming through
the stained glass window.

It was so inspiring.

And you know
what I was thinking about all that time?

No, what?

That we have
tuna fish sandwiches for lunch.

Well, I told you,
I don't want no tuna fish.

Oh, eat it.
It's solid white and water packed.

I wouldn't care if it was
Moby Dick.

You know,
I remember years ago asking my old man

about that Bible story,
you know?

And I says to him,

"How could the Lord feed
all 'em thousands of people

on five loaves
and two little fishes?"

And what did he say?

He hit me with a shovel.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

No, hold it, hold it.

Don't always
rush to the door.

Ask who it is,
and then when they tell you,

tell them it's Sunday,
you're out!

Who is it?

MAN: It's
Reverend Chong, Mrs. Bunker.

I'm getting
the hell out of here.

Wait, maybe he
wants to see you.

I don't want to see him.

Don't you know that
it's bad luck to look upon a clergyman

more than seven blocks
from the church?

Oh, Archie.

Let him in,
whoop it up.

Tsk, oh.

Coming!

I'm sorry
to keep you waiting.

Come in, Reverend Chong.

- Thank you.
- Let me have your coat.

Make yourself
comfortable.

I bet you'd like
a tuna fish sandwich.

Oh, no, thanks,
I already had lunch.

Oh.

I can't stay long.
I'd like to talk to you about Stephanie.

Oh, yeah,
well, sit down.

Thank you.

Oh, she liked
Mrs. Johnson

in Sunday school
this morning.

She said she was
a very good teacher.

Well, Stephanie is
a very good teacher, too.

She explained
to the entire class that the Last Supper

consisted
of hard-boiled eggs, lamb and matzo.

Oh, my, ain't that smart.

I've been looking
at that picture all my life,

and I could never figure out
what they was eatin'.

She also told the class

that the Last Supper
was a Seder.

A Seder?
The feast of Passover.

She told Mrs. Johnson
she learned that

in her last Sunday school...

the Temple Beth Israel.

Oh...

That don't sound Episcopal.

That's because it's Jewish.

Oh.

Oh.

You see,
Stephanie is Jewish.

Oh, no.

Yes, she is.

Oh, no, how could she be?

All my family is Episcopal.

Except my aunt Bertha's
daughter Florence,

who become a Lutheran,

and her half-brother Herbert,

who become
a Mormon in Ogden, Utah,

except until he found out

that he wasn't allowed
to have three wives.

Then he give up
religion altogether.

You see, my aunt Tessie's
stepson by her second marriage,

is Floyd and he is
Stephie's father,

and he is Episcopal.

Uh, but Stephanie's
mother wasn't.

Stephanie's mother
was Jewish,

and the child
was being raised in her mother's faith.

Ohh...

Where did you
hear all this?

Stephanie told
Mrs. Johnson this morning.

Now, if you and Mr. Bunker

want her to continue
in our Sunday school,

she's perfectly welcome.

ARCHIE: Hey, Edith,
is he gone yet?

No, I'm leaving now,
Mr. Bunker!

ARCHIE: [STAMMERING]
Oh, yeah, well, Reverend, you're still here.

Uh, well, listen,
I'll be seeing you in church there,

uh, eh, Reverend Ching,
uh...

BOTH:
Chong!

[TOILET FLUSHING]

I'm sorry.

That's all right.

Just let me know
what you decide, Mrs. Bunker.

Oh, yeah.
Well, I don't know.

I mean, I guess I better
talk to Stephie first.

And then I got
to tell Archie.

Don't worry,
Mrs. Bunker, all right?

However it works out,
God loves us all.

ARCHIE: I'm feeling
a hell of a draft from somewhere.

Truly all.

Good-bye, Mrs. Bunker.

Good-bye,
Reverend Chong.

Thank you.

Stephie, can I come in?

Okay.

You enjoying
your new books?

Mm-hmm.

Reverend Chong
was just here.

He said that
you helped teach

in Sunday school
this morning.

Stephie?

Is it true your mother
was Jewish?

Mm-hmm.

But why didn't
you never tell us?

I don't know.

You musta had a reason.

My father said not
to talk about it.

It would make trouble.

Why?

He said if Uncle Archie knew,
he would call me a heeb.

Stephie...

Tsk, your uncle
Archie loves you,

and he ain't never
gonna stop loving you.

You know, you mustn't
pay too much attention

to what comes out of your
uncle Archie's mouth.

It's what's going on
in his heart that matters,

not what's going on
in his head.

What's going on
in his head?

Nothin'.

Nothin' much.

But, no--I mean...

nothin' that you and me
gotta worry about.

I spent one hell
of a night, Edith.

You know,
I hardly slept a wink,

and it was
all your fault.

What was bothering you

the way you was thrashing
around in that bed up there?

With them long
toenails of yours,

I felt like I was sleeping
in a gunny sack full of cats.

Good morning.

What is good about it?

Look what I made for you,

banana waffles
with boysenberry syrup.

Yummy yummy
in the tummy!

Oh, hold it, hold it.

Hold it.
Hold it, Edith.

Come on, now, huh?

This is, uh, Monday morning'.

why are you treating me

to waffles and syrup
on a Monday morning?

Because Stephanie
is Jewish.

Edith, I'm getting
sharp pain right here.

It's true, Archie.
Stephanie is Jewish.

Stephanie--stop that.

Stop, stop that.
Stop that.

How could the kid
get to be Jewish?

She's only been with us
for a few months,

we've been watching
her every minute.

Because her mother
was Jewish.

Her m--

Wait a minute, don't move.

What are you trying
to tell me?

That Floyd married
a Jewish girl?

Yeah.

Oh, come on, Edith.

He wouldn't of--
What are you talking about?

There ain't a self-respecting
Jewish girl in this world

that'd be dumb enough
to marry a deadbeat like Floyd.

Yeah, there was.

Oh, Edith,
come on, will ya?

You don't know
the Jewish people at all.

Listen to me.

Jewish girls are
too smart for that.

They're all out huntin'
for dentists and doctors,

and lawyers.

And they're
gettin' them, too.

Archie, Stephanie
couldn't be wrong

about her own mother.

Freeze.

What are you
saying, Edith?

Are you saying
that the child herself told you this, Edith?

Oh, yeah.

Well...

Then I guess it's true.

Yeah.

Oh, well, Edith,
all I gotta say is

that this whole thing
is the fault

of that gorgeous family
of yours over there,

hiding this all these years.

Oh, what a bunch
of bigots they are!

Ashamed to have one Jewish
person in the family.

[CHUCKLES] Gee.

Oh, well,
what are you gonna do?

Well, there's no
big problem about it, Edith.

I mean, I guess it's
just left for you and me,

now that we know
the child is Jewish, to do the decent thing.

What?

Keep our mouth
shut about it.

Oh, Archie,
that ain't decent.

Well, it certainly
ain't indecent, Edith.

We want to bring
her up the way we are.

All we do is take
her over to our church,

there we get the minister
to baptize the kid.

that's, like,
he endorses her over to our side.

No, Archie,
we can't do that.

See, her mother
was bringing her up to be Jewish,

so it's our duty to bring
her up the same way.

Her mother's dead!

Her mother ain't got
nothin' to say.

Oh, her mother
got a lot to say.

Oh, well, geez,
I'd love to hear a little of that, Edith.

Maybe the two of us,
we oughta run over

to the cemetery
in Nutley, New Jersey,

and sit down and have
a heart-to-heart talk

with the remains.

No, I got a better idea.

I think we should call
that temple on 97th Street,

and talk to the rabbi
there about Stephie.

- I'm gonna do it right now.
- Edith, that ain't gonna do you no good.

You ain't gonna get
anything out of that!

Edith, listen to me!

That rabbi ain't
gonna talk to you.

I know that old man
for years and years.

He won't let you in there,

and he won't come out
and say a word to you.

Unless you want to roller
skate around his temple.

- Hello.
- EDITH: Oh, how do you do?

- How do you do?
- I'm Mrs. Bunker.

And this is my husband,
Mr. Bunker.

How do you do.
What can I do for you?

Oh, nothing
at all, kiddo,

we're looking
for the rabbi.

I'm the rabbi.

Make yourself
comfortable, please.

What?

What do you
mean you--?

Where's the real old guy

that used to come out and
throw rocks back at us?

Oh, rabbi Promberg.
He's in Israel.

Oh...
[MUMBLES]

I'm rabbi Jacobs.

- What can I do for you?
- ARCHIE: Oh, yeah.

We come to see you
about a little girl

named Stephanie Mills.

She's staying with us now,

on account of her mother
was killed

in an automobile accident.

Now, you see, my aunt
Tessie has a stepson...

All right, Edith, don't get
into the whole family.

...by her second marriage
named Floyd,

and he's Stephie's father.

Nobody cares.

- He married a Jewish girl.
- Don't start this whole--

Edith, let me talk, huh?

Let me talk,
let me talk, please, huh?

Now, listen, Rabbi--

That's what you want
to call yourself.

I gotta tell you
straight out.

The only reason I'm here
is to prove my wife is wrong,

and to keep her from
doing something stupid.

Now, I'm in charge
of this kid.

Oh, we are.

Right, we are.

And we want her, you know,
brung up in what we are.

What are we?

Episcopal.

Yeah, whatever.

I'm trying to tell
my wife here that

you wouldn't want
this kid anyhow

because at best,
she's only half a Jew.

Now, would you tell
my wife she's wrong?

She thinks that
because the child's mother was Jewish,

that that makes
the child one of yous.

Your wife is right.

What did you say?

He said,
"Your wife is right."

I heard what he said.

What about the child's
father, huh?

I know he ain't
worth nothin',

but don't he
mean something?

Mr. and Mrs. Bunker,
according to our law,

if the mother is Jewish,
so is the child.

Oh! Well, do you
have a school here

where they would
teach Stephie

how to grow up
to be Jewish?

Yes, I give religious
instruction every Tuesday afternoon.

Not on Sunday?

Sunday, I play tennis.

But Stephanie would be
in Sunday school then.

Oh, well, then,
we'd like to sign her up.

Agreed, all you have
to do is sign this on the bottom.

Now, there is
one other thing,

the matter
of the Sunday school tuition,

that would be $100.

Thank you.
And the hundred dollars

covers more
than just a tuition.

What else do we get?

You are now members
of Temple Beth Shalom.

Mazel tov.

- Thank you.
- Mazel tov.

Yeah, likewise.

Oh, mazel tov to you.
Mazel tov.

Edith, Edith,
I'm sorry I can't take the whole thing in!

I mean, here I am,
with a little Jewish kid in the house.

How the hell do
I make that work?

Me, a life-long
Christian?

Try a little
Christian charity.

Hi!

Hi.

What's the matter with you,
you mad at me?

No.

Are you mad at me?

No, I ain't mad at you.

You didn't do nothin'.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I got something
for you today. Here.

See, it's a...

It's this here.

I just happened to be
passing the store.

STEPHANIE: It's pretty.

Supposed to go
around your neck, so...

I'll do that for you.

Yeah, that ain't bad.

You know,
you gotta love somebody to give 'em one of them.

I mean, you gotta love
everything about them.

[***]

All in the Family was
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for live responses.

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