Original subtitles

* Boy, the way Glenn Miller played *

* Songs that made the hit parade *

* Guys like us, we had it made *

* Those were the days *

* And you knew where you were then *

* Girls were girls, and men were men *

* Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again *

* Didn't need no welfare state *

* Everybody pulled his weight *

* Gee, our old LaSalle ran great *

* Those were the days *

What? No, no.

Hey, I think it's a great idea.

Yes, yeah, I think we oughta talk about that.

Well, there's no sense in coming over here

'cause I gotta leave the house right away, see?

I gotta get down to work there.

[HUMS "MOON RIVER"]

Shh! I'm on the phone.

Yeah, I gotta get down to work.

I gotta open the saloon at 3:00.

So why don't you meet me down there

at 3:00, see?

- [EDITH HUMMING] - Yeah.

No, that's from outside the house, some kind of vehicle.

[HUMMING CONTINUES]

All right, meet you then.

Hey, listen, kiddo, it's great to hear your voice.

Yeah. Bye.

Listen, Edith.

I just got a very interesting proposition over here, see?

How come all your socks have holes in 'em in the back?

I don't know, maybe I got sharp heels.

Now, listen.

Maybe you got short shoes.

Maybe you're a dingbat, Edith.

Now, listen--

Maybe you got long feet.

Maybe you want to stifle yourself, huh?

Oh, sure, go ahead.

Listen to me!

We're lucky enough to be in on the ground floor

of the precipice of a great opportunity.

This is a thing that could make us so rich

that I might only have to wear a pair of socks once, huh?

Or maybe no socks at all.

You wouldn't want to be that rich.

Why the hell wouldn't I?

You might catch a cold.

Edith, listen.

- Right in the eye! - Oh, I'm sorry.

Right in the eye!

- You're always doing that! - Oh, Archie.

You nearly put the eye out of my head.

No, no, no, don't go nowheres near it.

Wait a minute, sit down.

Sit down.

Listen.

I just got a proposition from my brother here, see.

Your brother Fred?

No, my brother Isabel.

Certainly Fred!

Who is Isabel?

Edith, there ain't no Isabel.

Now, would you listen to me?

For $5,000,

Fred can put us into this here syndicate, see,

that's gonna invest in an nationwide chain of cafeterias.

It's gonna flood the country with Chinese food.

They're gonna be called The Foo Yu China-terias.

How does that grab ya, huh?

Nothing but chink food there.

Now, I think we oughta take $5,000 worth of that.

Oh, Archie, you and me couldn't eat that much Chinese food.

Hold it, hold!

I ain't talking about you and me eating,

I'm talking about investing in a nationwide chain

of all American "chink-a-terias."

Why would you want to do that?

Don't you know nothin'? Don't you read the papers?

Don't you know that the Democrats just recognized China?

Yeah.

Well, the results of that is

there's gonna be a hell of a run in this country

on chow mein and moo goo gai pan.

But $5,000.

Oh, that's a lot of money.

What do you got against Fred?

Your brother Fred?

No, my sister Isabel.

You ain't got a sister Isabel.

Aah, Lord!

Oh, I ain't got nothing against your brother Fred.

I love him and I'd love your sister Isabel, too,

if you had one.

You know, I thought about that over the years.

It would be so nice if you had a sister,

and her name was Isabel.

That's such a nice name.

Are you finished now?

Yeah.

Then do me a favor, will you, please?

Since you ain't got no sister-in-law to love,

try loving your brother-in-law, huh?

Oh, I do.

I ain't the one that knocked his tooth out at our wedding

and then didn't talk to him for 29 years.

We all know who's done that.

I don't have to mention no names.

I just have to look at the party and whistle.

[WHISTLES]

D'you know that is the stupidest thing I ever heard?

Now, come on, Edith, I think we oughta get in

on the ground floor of this thing.

Make this investment, let our money work for us.

Tsk, well--

B-b-before you knock the other eye out.

What do you say?

Huh?

Tsk, I don't know.

Swell! That's all I've been waiting to hear.

But, Archie!

You ain't even following your own advice.

Advice, what the hell advice is that?

Never do business with relatives.

I meant your relatives, not mine.

Come on, what are you thinking about?

Are you in this with me or not?

[CHUCKLES] China-terias.

You gotta be nuts.

Go on and laugh, you dope, ya.

Hey, listen.

They laughed at Robert Fulton, you know?

But if it wasn't for him, New York wouldn't have a fish market.

Arch!

Hey, Fred, come on in. Glad to see you there.

You remember my partner, Harry Snowden, right?

Hey, yeah, you dropped by here after your heart operation.

- How are you feeling? - Terrific.

The valve job holding up okay?

Oh, ticking away.

[GROANS]

- [LAUGHS] - Oh, hey.

Quit kidding around.

Hey, listen, we gotta talk.

Why don't you park your caucus at that table over there?

Harry, bring something to drink.

Send some glasses and a bottle, but not from the well,

get the bottle off the shelf there.

What the hell, go all the way out, get scotch.

Hey, you shaved your moustache there.

You know you look ten years uglier, huh?

Oh, God, I'm sorry. Did I hurt you?

- No. - I didn't mean to hit you there.

Hey, let me tell you something.

You even look like you've turned over a new leaf.

I have, I'm a changed man thanks to my new bride.

Oh, hey, if she could turn you around,

she must be some kinda woman there.

- She is, Archie. - Come on!

Here's to the new "enterproose," huh?

I'm in, put me down for 5,000.

Thanks.

Hey, Fred,

how'd you get in on this franchise thing?

Oh, my wife read about it in the Wall Street Journal.

Great head for business.

[BEEPING]

What the hell is that?

- My watch. - Oh, a watch.

Gee, I thought you blew a gasket in there.

It reminds me to call Katherine. Oh, where's a phone?

- Uh, pay phone's over there, next to the can. - It's there--

Is that nice, making him use the pay phone, my brother?

He ain't my brother.

Hey, Archie, what do you say

we celebrate going into business together?

We'll all go out to dinner tonight.

Well, yeah, we can celebrate,

but we don't have to go out to eat,

we can eat over my house, I'll call Edith.

No, no, wait, don't go to any trouble. No.

No, it's no trouble, it's not a bit of trouble.

You know, Edith does it all.

Hello, sweetheart, darling.

How's my little pussycat?

Get a load of this over here, huh?

Hey, why don't you try some of that?

You think I should, yeah? Well--

[CLEARS HIS THROAT]

Hello, sweetheart, how's my little pussycat?

What'd she say?

She hung up the phone.

It's your fault, she heard you breathing.

Go away.

I'm sorry, Stephie, but if you want to meet the company tonight,

then you gotta go upstairs now

and do your homework before dinner.

Okay.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

EDITH: Make sure the chain is on.

Hi, I'm Mrs. Bunker.

No, you're not.

What was that?

Some kid pretending she's you.

Well, wait a minute.

Oh, hi. Can I help you?

Hi, I'm Katherine Bunker.

Fred's wife.

Oh...

Oh...

Oh.

Well, come on in, Mrs. Bunker.

Thank you.

I'm Mrs. Bunker, too.

I know.

You do.

I mean, I'm Edith Bunker.

Well, you can call me that, Edith.

- Thanks, Edith. - You're welcome.

Fred'll be here in a minute, he's paying the taxi.

Hm...ooh!

This is our little niece, Stephie.

Stephie, this is Mrs. Bunker.

She's your Uncle Fred's wife.

Hi, Stephie. I'm glad to meet you.

How old are you?

I'm ten.

How old are you?

Oh, I'm sorry.

It ain't polite to ask a lady her age.

You remember that.

She asked me.

It's okay. I'm 18.

Oh.

Oh.

[GIGGLES]

Thank you.

What grade are you in?

Here.

I graduated high school last year.

That's good--

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, that's probably Fred.

I'll get it.

Edith!

Oh, yeah, Fred!

Oh, I'm so glad to see you.

Well, Archie's out.

He'll be back any minute.

Oh, let me introduce you.

This is our little niece Stephie.

And this is your little wife--

[GIGGLES] I'm--

Oh, Stephie, this is your Uncle Fred.

Hi, Stephie.

Hi.

- You want to see my room? - I'd love to.

I got some neat dolls!

Oh, I love dolls.

Ahh... Oh, sit down, Fred.

Oh, after you.

- No, wait. - No, sit.

[GIGGLES]

[SIGHS]

So, what do you think of her?

Well, she's very pretty...

and very nice.

And very...

Young?

No.

Well...yeah.

Whoop-dee-doo, whoop-dee-doo, whoop-dee-doo.

Look what I got with me here,

a little of the old bubbly, huh?

- Terrific. - To celebrate.

I brung a whole "maggot" of it.

This here is imported

from a little town in Italy-- Fresno.

You take care of that, huh, Edith?

Fred, sit down, sit down.

Hey, let that be your chair whenever I'm not in it.

Hello.

Oh, hey! Hi, there. Look who we got here.

I didn't know you was gonna bring your daughter there.

[MUTTERING]

But I thought she was a little older.

My daughter is older.

This is my wife.

This is your wife?

Uh-huh.

I'm Katherine.

This is his wife?

Oh, Kathy, would you like to help me put this on the ice?

Sure. Excuse me.

STEPHIE: What do you keep asking for?

She's his wife.

Hey, Arch, how about the champagne?

Yeah, how about the champagne?

Go to bed!

What was that?

How about the champagne?

Forget the champagne!

I ain't openin' no champagne!

Listen, I'd be ashamed to serve an alcoholic beverage

to "Patatum" O'Neal in there.

What are you doing in my chair?

- Take it. - The hell with it!

What did you do,

steal that child off of a schoolyard swing?

She is not a child. She's a married woman.

Uh, married...

Who the hell married youse,

the truant officer?

It's none of your damn business.

Well, it is my damn business

if I'm supposed to go into business with you!

I always knew how you felt about minority groups,

but I never knew you had anything against young women.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Never in my life did I ever hold anything

against a young woman.

Listen, all I'm saying is

that it's wrong for a young girl of 19

to be marrying a dirty old guy.

She's 18.

Eighteen!

God! He gets his hooks into a girl of 18.

Well, you're one year dirtier

than I thought you was.

What the hell is dirty about getting married?

I'll tell you what's dirty about getting married!

It's dumb.

Okay, Archie.

Now, suppose you were alone at your age

- and you wanted to get married again-- - Hold it.

ARCHIE: I'm gonna answer that question even before you ask.

I would look for a woman my own age.

FRED: Okay, swell!

But suppose while you're looking,

you happen to meet a woman of 18.

She falls in love with you.

Has that ever crossed your mind?

Nothing ever crosses my mind!

So you don't think it's possible for a woman of 18 to fall in love with you?

Aw, a woman...

All right. Certainly, certainly.

Do you think it's possible for you to fall in love with a woman of 18?

Certainly.

It doesn't matter.

I may be a man of 50--[MUTTERS] years of age,

but I'm alive and well, and all my parts are in working order,

and Lord knows I ain't no "fruze"!

But I like to think I can control myself.

I mean, I'm an intelligent man.

I ain't a animal

of "carnival instinctuals" like you!

What the hell am I doing here?

I don't have to listen to this!

You gotta listen to anything your older brother tells you!

And I'm telling you this,

I ain't going into business with ya!

"Chink-a-terias."

Jeez! I never heard anything more crazy in my whole life.

Well, you and Edith ain't roping me

into anything like that.

Now I know why you take the Chinese food,

because you and it got soft noodles.

- Step aside! - Go ahead!

Katherine Ann, come on, we're going home.

We're not staying for dinner.

EDITH: Oh, no, please don't go.

ARCHIE: Let 'em go!

But we're gonna have such a nice dinner.

I'm sorry, Edith.

Maybe it's better this way.

Some other time.

Oh, yeah, when you're older.

- Bye, Edith. - EDITH: Good-bye!

Don't try to cash that check at the bank

'cause I'm gonna call 'em up there and put a "stopperoony" on it.

Bye, Uncle Archie.

You wouldn't have fights with your brother

if you'd stop telling him how to live his life.

Well, somebody's gotta tell him

'cause he don't know.

And anyway, brothers always fight.

That's normal. Geez.

Read your Bible. Cain and Abel.

Read the newspapers. Billy Carter and what's-his-name.

They don't fight.

Well, maybe they oughta. It'd be better for the country.

Katherine is a very nice girl.

You don't have to tell me that.

I got eyes to see with, Edith.

She's young there...

pretty face, tricky little figure.

If he'd have brung her around our house

when the old man was alive...wow!

What woulda happened?

[SIGHS]

Pop would have made a grab for her.

All I know is that a man that age

ain't got no business marrying a girl that age.

And that's all there is to it.

- Oh, lots of men marry young girls. - Oh...

There was that famous senator, you know?

And that Supreme Court judge.

[MUMBLING]

And Charlie Chaplin, he married a very young girl.

Well, I remember that.

They chased him out of the country for that.

Oh, no.

They finally give him an Academy Award for that.

Edith, I don't want to talk no more

about anything heavy, all right?

Just shut off the light. Let's go to sleep.

I need my beauty rest.

Oh, good night.

Good night.

Sleep tight.

I'll do that.

See you in the morning.

You do that, Edith.

God, is it morning already?

Not yet.

I want to ask you a question.

What?

If you was alone

at your age, 55--

Do you have to scream that to the world?

And you wanted to get married again,

you wouldn't look for a young girl, would you?

Certainly not, Edith.

[GROANS]

Well, who'd you have in mind?

Well, it could happen, you know?

I ain't no spring chicken.

That is true.

You ain't no spring rooster neither.

Why are you attacking me?

Archie...

I love you.

Oh, that--that works out pretty good, Edith,

because that's exactly the way I feel about you.

You ain't saying that

just to get me to go to sleep, are you?

No, Edith, but I am trying to get me to go to sleep.

Here, listen, let me tell you something.

Being married to you

has been the happiest 28 years of my life.

We've been married 30 years.

All right, 30 years.

Make a liar outta me, Edith.

It shows you how happy I am.

The years flew by so fast,

I lost track of three of them!

I'm happy! I'm happy!

I'm happy!

Why?

Oh, why?

Because--

because...

no matter how long we've been together, Edith,

you still, as the kids say,

turn me "over."

[GROANS]

Oh--

Aw, whatever, Edith.

Oh, Archie.

- Mmmm. - [MUTTERING]

- Good night. - Yeah, good night.

Well, before we go to sleep, just one more thing.

Age don't matter, you know?

As long as you remember to do, you know,

like the song says, stay young at heart.

Ohh...

Huh?

- Good night. - Good night, darling.

[SIGHS]

* Fairy tales can come true *

* It can happen to you *

I said one thing too many.

Oh!

[CONTINUES SINGING]

Oh...

Edith...

[***]

All in the Family was played to a studio audience

for live responses.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0