Original subtitles

* Boy, the way Glenn Miller played *

* Songs that made the hit parade *

* Guys like us, we had it made *

* Those were the days *

* And you knew where you were then *

* Girls were girls, and men were men *

* Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again *

* Didn't need no welfare state *

* Everybody pulled his weight *

* Gee, our old LaSalle ran great *

* Those were the days *

- [PHONE RINGS] - ARCHIE: Get the phone, Edith!

EDITH: Archie, would you get the phone, please?

[RINGS]

ARCHIE: I don't want to answer that phone, Edith!

EDITH: Archie, get the phone! I'm in the oven!

[RINGING]

Can't you pick up that phone?

Archie, get the phone! My hands are all icky.

What did you do with the damn thing?

[RINGING]

Get the phone, Archie!

Where is it, Edith?

Oh...

Let me tell you, this long wire ain't no convenience!

We spend more time hunting than we do talking!

Get the phone, Archie!

I got the phone!

What?

Oh, I'm--I'm-- I'm sorry, Barney.

Something else. Uh, what do you want?

Hey, hey, Barney, don't cry, will ya?

Barney, if you don't stop bawling,

I ain't gonna be able to understand a word you're saying.

- What happened? - Hold the phone, will ya, Barney?

You ain't gonna believe this.

It's Blanche.

Is she sick?

Better than that, she run away.

Again?

Yeah. Uh, Barney, now, listen--

No, Barney. Now, don't do that, huh?

What's he saying?

Hold the phone, Barney.

He says he's gonna kill himself.

Again?

Barney, now, don't--

Okay, Barney, if you're gonna do that,

then you'd better say good-bye to Edith here.

Yeah, hold the phone.

I'm gonna put her right on.

Say good-bye to Barney.

No, I can't say that.

Then say hello to Barney.

Say any damn thing you please.

Just stall him till I have a chance

to run over there and calm him down.

Hello, Barney.

Oh, Lord, why can't I have one friend

with all his marbles?

Barney, stop talking like that!

You know you ain't gonna do that.

Tsk, Barney, you remind me of my Uncle Horace

who always said he was gonna kill himself

every time his wife run away.

Well, he-- he said he was going to go

down to the subway and electrocute himself

on the third rail.

No, of course he didn't.

He was too scared the train would come along and kill him.

Uh-huh. Yeah?

[SOBS]

- Uh-huh. - [KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh, excuse me a minute, will ya, Edith?

I think there's someone at the door.

Who is it?

ARCHIE: Open the door, Barney. It's me.

I'll be right with you, Arch!

[SOBS]

You okay, Barney?

Yeah, come on in, Arch.

Yeah. Glad to see you're still alive.

Yeah.

Now, Barney, you and me gotta sit down

and have an old fashion heart-to-heart talk here.

Yeah.

Uh, just outta curiosity,

what was you gonna do it with this time?

The old ten-gauge, Arch.

Ahh...

Well, that woulda killed you all right, Barney.

You woulda also air conditioned your house.

Edith here...she had an interesting suggestion.

Yeah, what?

Uh, the subway.

You know, the third rail.

[MIMICKING ELECTROCUTION]

Yeah, well, I ain't heard of that one in years.

Is she still up in the air there?

- Yeah, she's there. - Let me talk to her.

Yeah, Edith, it's me.

Yeah, I'm over here with Barney.

Oh, well, he thinks he wants to go

with your idea about the third rail.

Yeah, all right, Edith.

All right. Edith, I heard that story!

[SOBS]

Why do you always do this?!

[MUMBLES]

I mean, don't you know that Blanche ain't worth it?

It ain't as thought this is the first time she done this to you.

Hey, how many times since you married she run away from you?

Counting the honeymoon?

[NO AUDIO]

Aw...

Was it the exterminator again?

No, this time it was the furnace man.

Oh, the furnace man.

How did he get to her?

He heated up the house,

then he heated up Blanche!

Which one took him the longest?

I don't know.

But he wasn't here more than 25 minutes altogether.

How can decent human beings do things so fast?

Barney, listen to me.

Yeah.

What you need is somebody new.

You need a whole new experience.

Not me.

Just try and remember that old saying, huh?

There's more than one fish...

in a wood pile.

I think you said that wrong, Arch.

Don't correct my English. I'm trying to help you.

[ARCHIE YELLING]

- [BARKING] - Run, Archie! Run!

Get the hell outta here!

Shoo, shoo, shoo!

How is Barney?

Oh, poor Barney.

He's in bad shape over there.

Jeez, I wish I could say the same for his dog who's healthy enough.

Look at that lawn.

Ah, Edith, you know, Barney needs somebody new.

I mean, he--he needs a woman

who ain't gonna run away from him.

He needs a woman with absolutely no... lust for life.

[SIGHS] Anyway, we gotta give him things to do.

Stick with him. Why don't we have him over for dinner tonight?

Oh, we can't. You're working tonight.

What about tomorrow night?

No, I invited my friend Martha Birkhorn

over for dinner tomorrow night.

Who's Martha Birkhorn?

You know! I told you about her.

She's the one whose husband died

and left her three supermarkets.

Oh, really?

Why don't we have Barney over at the same time?

Why?

Because I think Barney

would love to make the acquaintance

of three supermarkets.

Archie, what are you thinking?

Oh, Edith, I ain't thinking nothing at all.

Except when the two of them get together,

well, maybe they'll think of something.

Ha ha ha.

Archie, women don't like to meet men

who are only interested in their money.

Oh, excuse me. God.

And, besides, Barney is still a married man.

Oh, come on! What kind of a married man is he

with a wife who's always running away from him?

First with an exterminator, now with the furnace man.

You know, that woman Blanche, is working her tail

right through the yellow pages.

Ah.

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna make a phone call, do you mind?

Now, where is it now?!

Uh, there.

Why do you--? It ain't there!

- I didn't say there. - What did you say?

I said there.

God, help me.

Who are you gonna call?

I'm gonna call my old pal Barney.

Oh, no. Archie, you can't do that.

What about about Blanche?

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Tsk, I know.

But she'll come back.

She always does.

Yeah, well, this time we ain't taking her back.

- That ain't for you to decide. - Please.

- Oh, hiya, there, Barney. - Archie, that ain't none of your business--

Shh. Excuse me-- Shush, will you?

Hi, Barney. It's me, Arch.

Listen, Edith and me was thinking,

how'd you like to come over for dinner tomorrow night, huh?

Would you like that?

Hold the phone.

He'd like to know what you're cooking.

Meatloaf.

Uh, it's meatloaf, Barney.

Hold the phone.

Uh, he says, can you make it a pot roast?

Come on, it ain't like he's asking for duck or something there.

Give.

All right. Pot roast.

You got the pot roast, Barney

Yeah. Uh, listen,

Edith's gonna invite a lady friend of hers over here.

You know, just so we make up a kind of a fourtet here.

- Well, come at 6:00. - No.

- Yeah. - Make it 6:15.

6:15, Barney.

No, you'd better make it 6:30.

6:30, Barney, and that one's final. Bye.

God! Will you let me get to my chair?

Yeah, all right. Hold it, hold it.

[BOTH SIGH]

This might work out there pretty good.

Uh, wait-- wait a minute.

What does this Martha whosis woman look like?

- Birkhorn. - Yeah, all right. What?

Well, she's a lovely lady.

She has a wonderful sense of humor,

and she's very peppy.

And she's got lots of charm and personality.

A dog, huh?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Coming!

Archie!

She's here!

ARCHIE: Give me a minute.

Yeah, all right.

- Oh! - Edith!

- Oh, you look wonderful. - Good to see you!

Oh, my Lord, ain't that beautiful fur?

It's mink.

Oh...

[GIGGLES]

Oh, Martha, you look wonderful.

Edith, is he here yet?

Oh, no. He'll be here at 6:30.

Sit down.

Oh, Edith, everything looks so nice.

- Thank you. - Oh, wow.

I'm so glad you could come.

I'm so glad you invited me.

I didn't want to be alone tonight of all nights.

Why?

Well, if Wally hadn't died,

tonight would have been our silver wedding anniversary.

Ohh...

Well, congratulations.

Well, well, here I am. Sorry for the delay.

I had to kill a thousand-legger

in the bathtub up there and then--

This is my husband, Archie.

Uh, Archie, this is Martha Birkhorn.

Pleased to meet you.

Yeah, yeah. Pleased to meet you, there.

Yeah.

Well, let's not stand here, huh?

Sit down, make yourself at home there.

Not in this chair, 'cause the back legs are wobbly.

Women always hurt themselves sitting in that chair.

I don't know why.

- Well, sit over here on the couch. - All right.

What?

What is the matter with you?

[GIGGLING]

Well, tell me, dear, Mrs. Birkhorny--

Call me Martha.

Yeah. Martha, yeah.

So, your old man died. Too bad. How did he go?

Well, it was just before dinner,

and he was sitting all dressed up in his favorite chair,

smoking a cigar...

and poof!

He was gone, just like that.

Oh, gee.

Well, what are you gonna do, you know?

What the hell are you looking at?

Nothing.

[EXHALES] Don't interrupt, will ya?

Ha ha.

Hey...you know who else took on a lot of weight?

Elizabeth Taylor.

Do you still have the supermarkets?

No, no. I got a good price, so I sold 'em.

Oh, you sold the supermarkets, huh?

Well, well.

Well, uh... what did you do with the money?

If I may ask.

Did you invest it or...just blow it?

No, no. I put part in tax-exempt bonds.

And then I heard that diamonds go up in value.

So, with the rest, I bought these.

A girl's best friend, huh?

- Wow. - They're beautiful!

- Get over there and look at them. - Oh, yeah.

Oh...

Look at these earrings here.

- Oh, they're gorgeous. - Are they lovely, Edith?

Oh, Archie. Look at this!

Did you ever see anything like that?

Not since Sammy Davis was in the house.

- [DOORBELL RINGS] - Ooh, that must be Barney.

Yeah, I'll open the door for him.

I gotta check my pot roast.

Oh, Edith, let me help.

Yeah, help her up.

No...

No, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I don't want to see him right away.

What do you mean you don't want to see him? He's here.

Well, don't let him in yet.

Now?

[Edith and Martha] Now.

- Hiya, Barney, my old pal! - Hiya, Arch!

Hey, hey, good to see a smile on your face again.

Yeah. Thanks to you, pal.

Hey, is my date here yet?

Hey, in the kitchen with Edith.

[GIGGLING]

Is she good-looking?

Oh...she ain't bad, Barn.

Is she young?

She ain't old.

Has she got a good figure?

Hey...did you ever see Elizabeth Taylor?

Wow! He he he!

He he! Whoa!

I mean, lately.

Huh?

Now, listen, Barney.

This here is a lovely lady, you know?

She's a good sport there and--and she's peppy

and she's got loads of charm and personality.

A dog, huh?

- Barney, don't start this-- - Here we are!

Give it a chance here.

[NO AUDIO]

Go ahead. Don't be scared, Barney.

[PANTING]

Martha, this is Barney Hefner.

Barney, this is Martha Birkhorn.

Come on there, kids.

Come on there.

Let's hear the old "pleased to meet youse."

Uh, Barney?

- Pleased to meet you. - Pleased to meet you.

There you are. That's swell, uh?

Well, Barney, say something else.

Can I see you in the kitchen, Arch?

No!

It's important.

All right then, Barney. Give us a minute or two.

Barney wants to see me in the kitchen. Just make yourselves at home.

Edith, don't stand there. Show the guest where to sit down.

Keep her outta my chair.

- What the hell you want in the kitchen? - The back door.

Oh, no, you stay over here.

You ain't gonna stick me with that dame.

Just a minute.

As regards that dame,

putting everything aside--

If you could lift it.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

- She happens to be a wealthy widow. - Huh?

She used to own three supermarkets.

Used to. Well, they're gone now.

She ate 'em.

Here.

You ain't walking out on Edith's beautiful pot roast here.

Look at this, huh?

With the little new potatoes golden in the grease there

and the carrots, and the little pearl onions.

Smell that gravy there.

You louse, you.

Okay, for Edith's sake, I'll stay.

But I'll tell you one thing, I ain't for sale.

Oh, come on. We ain't trying to sell you.

We'd be lucky to give you away.

Get out there!

[SIGHS]

Edith, this has been my happiest week in years.

You know, Barney and me,

we've been out to dinner and the theater three times,

and Barney says he's having such fun.

That's nice.

What's the matter?

Oh, nothing.

I'll bet you think Barney's after my money.

Yeah.

Well, it isn't true.

Sometimes I buy the theater tickets,

but Barney pays for dinner and a cab.

Sometimes I buy the popcorn and Coke,

and Barney pays for the movie.

And sometimes I pay for something,

and Barney pays for something else.

Look at me, Edith. I'm no beauty.

Oh...

You know, they say money can't buy happiness.

Well, I'm happy with whatever it's buying me.

You know, Barney is a very nice man.

I--He's lots of fun,

and I...I like being with him.

He--he makes me feel wanted.

And sometimes when he looks at me,

I know he's seeing me...

not my money.

Oh, Martha.

I'm sorry I said that.

It's all right.

You know what?

He's cooking dinner for me tonight.

Low-cal.

Oh...

- Ain't that sweet? - Yeah.

And we're going bowling after.

Oh...

Edith, I want to thank you and Archie

for bringing us together.

I know you know what it means

to have a thoughtful man in your life.

Oh...yeah, I do.

Well, I just hope you never have to know

what it's like to-- to be without one.

Oh, Martha. Tsk.

Have another cake.

Hey, hey, hey.

Is my little butterball in there?

- Barney! - Here we come, Barney!

Hey, Big Momma!

Big Daddy's here!

[LAUGHING]

How are you, honey? Hi, Edith.

Hi, Barney. Here, you take the rest of the cakes.

Cake?

Hey, I thought we were gonna kick them goodies.

Well, maybe we could jog a little longer tomorrow.

[GIGGLING]

Okay, but come on.

We gotta go now. Dinner's ready.

- Bye-bye, Edith. - Bye, Barney!

- Thank you, Edith. - Ohh...

BARNEY: Come on, sweetheart.

- Bye-bye, Edith. - Bye.

- Have fun! - Thank you!

Tsk.

Oh, thank God. I thought they'd never leave.

Archie! Guess what?

I don't have to guess, I heard.

- The two of them are an item. - Yeah.

I ain't surprised. I threw them together, didn't I?

But what's gonna happen if Blanche comes back?

Oh, well, I don't know.

I mean, them things are, as they say,

in the lap of the cards.

Anyway, if she does, uh...

well, all Barney's got to do is wreck his TV set there,

or his icebox or punch holes in his roof,

or throw nails in his washing machine.

What good would that do?

Well, then he'll have four repairmen over the house, you know?

Within about 25 minutes Blanche would run away with one of them.

Oh, Archie...

Oh, I know them kind of women, Edith.

- Oh... - Yeah.

Easy, easy, easy, easy, easy, easy!

Edith, don't--Easy!

Love should never hurt!

[***]

All In The Family was played to a studio audience

for live responses.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0