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1
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Boy, the way Glenn Miller played
2
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Songs that made the hit parade
3
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Guys like us, we had it made
4
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Those were the days
5
00:00:14,734 --> 00:00:18,701
And you knew where you were then
6
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Girls were girls, and men were men
7
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Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again
8
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Didn't need no welfare state
9
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Everybody pulled his weight
10
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Gee, our old LaSalle ran great
11
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Those were the days
12
00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:02,767
- EDITH: Oh, oh. Oh, we're here.
- ARCHIE: Don't get too far ahead of me there, huh?
13
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Oh, I can't believe it. We're here.
14
00:01:04,567 --> 00:01:06,634
- ARCHIE: Don't get too far ahead of me.
- I can't believe it.
15
00:01:06,634 --> 00:01:09,334
- Let's stay together, huh, please?
- We're in California.
16
00:01:09,334 --> 00:01:10,667
Where's Gloria?
17
00:01:10,667 --> 00:01:13,234
This is most embarrassing
thing I ever went through.
18
00:01:13,234 --> 00:01:15,133
Instead of checking it on with the baggage,
19
00:01:15,133 --> 00:01:18,267
you gotta carry an unembalmed
turkey on a plane with you.
20
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- I didn't want nothin' to happen to it.
- Oh, g--
21
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:24,300
What else can happen to it?
It's already dead?
22
00:01:24,300 --> 00:01:26,567
- Where is she now? - [GIGGLES]
23
00:01:26,567 --> 00:01:27,801
She's supposed to be here.
24
00:01:27,801 --> 00:01:30,534
- There she is! - Huh?
25
00:01:30,534 --> 00:01:34,367
- Gloria! Glori--
- No, Edith. No, Edith, that ain't--
26
00:01:34,367 --> 00:01:35,467
That ain't--
27
00:01:35,467 --> 00:01:38,267
Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry.
28
00:01:38,267 --> 00:01:41,200
You look just like my
daughter from the back.
29
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Yeah, we know, we know. Yeah.
30
00:01:43,133 --> 00:01:45,701
Excuse me, madam. I'm a US Marshal.
31
00:01:45,701 --> 00:01:48,567
This woman here is wanted
for setting fires.
32
00:01:48,567 --> 00:01:49,968
- Oh, no! - Get over there.
33
00:01:49,968 --> 00:01:53,467
- Will you sit down?
- It's nice to have met you.
34
00:01:53,467 --> 00:01:55,033
- Sit down. - Where's Stephie?
35
00:01:55,033 --> 00:01:56,667
Oh, gee! She's so slippery!
36
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All right. I'll find her.
37
00:01:58,033 --> 00:01:59,367
- Stephie... - I'll find--
38
00:01:59,367 --> 00:02:01,167
I'll find her. You just sit down here.
39
00:02:01,167 --> 00:02:04,100
Put your stuff on the
seat next to you, huh?
40
00:02:04,100 --> 00:02:08,467
Hey, uh, you could move, huh? Eh? Yeah.
41
00:02:08,467 --> 00:02:11,033
Come on. Now, put all your
stuff on the seat next to you.
42
00:02:14,501 --> 00:02:15,801
Stay with everything.
43
00:02:15,801 --> 00:02:17,167
We'll see if you can get somebody
44
00:02:17,167 --> 00:02:19,868
to steal the damn turkey.
45
00:02:19,868 --> 00:02:21,434
Hey, kiddo!
46
00:02:21,434 --> 00:02:23,400
Hey, kid! Where is she?
47
00:02:24,868 --> 00:02:27,734
Did you see a little-- No, you
don't understand nothing.
48
00:02:27,734 --> 00:02:30,033
Let me through. Can I get through?
49
00:02:30,033 --> 00:02:32,300
Will you let me through, fellas?
50
00:02:32,300 --> 00:02:36,033
Geez, you guys shouldn't be
traveling on the weekends anyway.
51
00:02:36,033 --> 00:02:38,334
Hey, kid-- Oh, there she is.
52
00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:42,434
What are you doing over here?
53
00:02:42,434 --> 00:02:44,734
I thought I saw John Travolta.
54
00:02:45,901 --> 00:02:47,300
This is California.
55
00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:50,467
You ain't gonna see any of
your little school chums.
56
00:02:52,667 --> 00:02:54,901
John Travolta's a movie star.
57
00:02:54,901 --> 00:02:59,300
Don't tell lies. Now, go on back over there
58
00:02:59,300 --> 00:03:02,434
and sit with your Aunt Edith
at the end of the row.
59
00:03:02,434 --> 00:03:04,067
Trying to keep track the two of youse
60
00:03:04,067 --> 00:03:06,133
is like trying to keep a bucket
of confetti up in the air.
61
00:03:06,133 --> 00:03:08,968
- Excuse me there. Excuse me.
- She isn't here.
62
00:03:08,968 --> 00:03:11,901
Excuse me, did you see my Aunt Edith?
63
00:03:11,901 --> 00:03:13,934
Never mind. Don't talk to them.
64
00:03:13,934 --> 00:03:16,734
They'll ask you for money or something.
Gotta find your Aunt Edith.
65
00:03:16,734 --> 00:03:19,067
You just come over here and sit down.
66
00:03:19,067 --> 00:03:21,701
The little girl wants to sit down.
67
00:03:21,701 --> 00:03:24,634
You could move, huh? Yeah, that's good.
68
00:03:24,634 --> 00:03:28,400
Just sit there and stay there and
don't make me look for you no more!
69
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:29,634
- Edith! - Archie!
70
00:03:29,634 --> 00:03:31,067
Where are you going?
71
00:03:31,067 --> 00:03:33,067
I'm gonna go to look for you.
72
00:03:33,067 --> 00:03:35,234
Oh, you found her! Hi, Stephie!
73
00:03:35,234 --> 00:03:36,601
Yes. Where was you?
74
00:03:36,601 --> 00:03:38,801
[WHISPERING] I had to
go to the ladies' room.
75
00:03:38,801 --> 00:03:40,501
Don't never do that no more.
76
00:03:40,501 --> 00:03:42,501
GLORIA: Ma!
77
00:03:42,501 --> 00:03:44,634
Daddy!
78
00:03:47,100 --> 00:03:51,200
There's Gloria now! There she is!
79
00:03:51,200 --> 00:03:53,400
There's the little girl!
80
00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:55,000
Hello, baby!
81
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:57,534
- How are you? Yeah, Daddy's here!
- Oh, Daddy.
82
00:03:57,534 --> 00:03:59,334
Hi, sweetheart!
83
00:03:59,334 --> 00:04:01,701
How are you, sweetheart?
84
00:04:01,701 --> 00:04:04,534
Oh, yeah!
85
00:04:04,534 --> 00:04:06,567
- You look beautiful, dear.
- Take off your glasses.
86
00:04:06,567 --> 00:04:07,901
I can't see your face!
87
00:04:07,901 --> 00:04:09,501
We can't see your face!
88
00:04:09,501 --> 00:04:12,467
- My eyes are all red from the smog.
- Oh, geez.
89
00:04:12,467 --> 00:04:15,067
- Ma, what do you got in that bag?
- It's a turkey.
90
00:04:15,067 --> 00:04:16,968
A turkey? You hold that, Daddy.
91
00:04:16,968 --> 00:04:20,334
She took this damn thing
all the way on the plane.
92
00:04:20,334 --> 00:04:22,000
- [VOICES OVERLAP] - Here, hold this.
93
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:24,234
It was a lousy trip, you know?
94
00:04:24,234 --> 00:04:26,901
We couldn't get a seat near the window.
95
00:04:26,901 --> 00:04:29,067
Did you gain a little weight?
96
00:04:29,067 --> 00:04:30,200
A few pounds.
97
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,534
Edith, don't lose your bag now.
98
00:04:32,534 --> 00:04:35,501
Oh, that's Stephie. This is Gloria.
99
00:04:35,501 --> 00:04:36,701
Oh, yeah, yeah.
100
00:04:36,701 --> 00:04:37,801
- Hi, Stephie. - Hi.
101
00:04:37,801 --> 00:04:39,400
Merry Christmas.
102
00:04:39,400 --> 00:04:41,701
I'm sure we're gonna be good friends.
103
00:04:41,701 --> 00:04:43,534
- Who's that? - Santa Claus.
104
00:04:43,534 --> 00:04:44,634
Oh, he's cute.
105
00:04:44,634 --> 00:04:46,634
Where is Joey and the Meathead?
106
00:04:48,133 --> 00:04:49,801
Did you teach her that?
107
00:04:49,801 --> 00:04:52,834
Teach her what? Where is
Joey and the Meathead?
108
00:04:52,834 --> 00:04:54,200
Daddy!
109
00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:56,801
Don't hit your father in the airport.
110
00:04:58,167 --> 00:05:01,701
- How is Mike's back?
- Yeah, how's his back?
111
00:05:01,701 --> 00:05:05,000
Still pretty bad, so he stayed
home, and I left Joey with him.
112
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,367
We should hurry, Daddy.
113
00:05:06,367 --> 00:05:08,634
You go downstairs, and get the luggage,
114
00:05:08,634 --> 00:05:11,767
and I'll bring the car
around front to pick you up.
115
00:05:11,767 --> 00:05:13,834
- It's a yellow Toyota hatchback. - Ohh.
116
00:05:13,834 --> 00:05:16,067
Did you learn to drive?
117
00:05:16,067 --> 00:05:18,400
- Yeah, I got my license last week.
- What do you know?
118
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:20,100
She's a driver!
119
00:05:20,100 --> 00:05:21,634
We should hurry now,
120
00:05:21,634 --> 00:05:23,801
'cause Santa Barbara's a long drive.
121
00:05:23,801 --> 00:05:26,367
- Stephanie, come with me. - Take the kid.
122
00:05:26,367 --> 00:05:28,501
Daddy, the luggage
carrousel's down this way.
123
00:05:28,501 --> 00:05:31,000
I know all about it. I'll get it.
Don't worry.
124
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:33,133
Archie, ain't it wonderful? They got a car!
125
00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:35,300
She's driving a car, yeah.
126
00:05:35,300 --> 00:05:40,200
Oh, yeah. What is a Toyota hatchback?
127
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:41,767
Well, it's little,
128
00:05:41,767 --> 00:05:43,367
it's got slanty headlights,
129
00:05:43,367 --> 00:05:46,167
and it'll bomb ya without warning.
130
00:05:48,634 --> 00:05:51,133
Wait a minute, Archie.
131
00:06:00,167 --> 00:06:01,701
ARCHIE: Open it, will ya?
132
00:06:01,701 --> 00:06:03,167
Home sweet home!
133
00:06:03,167 --> 00:06:05,467
- [ARCHIE GRUNTING] - Oh, I can't...
134
00:06:05,467 --> 00:06:07,601
Oh, geez.
135
00:06:07,601 --> 00:06:10,534
Look at me carryin' these heavy bags.
136
00:06:10,534 --> 00:06:15,701
Oh, Gloria, this is beautiful.
137
00:06:15,701 --> 00:06:17,133
Thanks, Ma.
138
00:06:17,133 --> 00:06:20,000
Come and help your Daddy
over here, will ya?
139
00:06:20,000 --> 00:06:21,133
Oh, Daddy.
140
00:06:22,868 --> 00:06:23,868
Aah, God.
141
00:06:23,868 --> 00:06:25,801
Here, Ma, give me the turkey.
142
00:06:25,801 --> 00:06:29,000
Oh, never mind the damn turkey.
Where's my grandson?
143
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:31,534
Well, it's his naptime.
He's probably sleeping.
144
00:06:31,534 --> 00:06:33,701
ARCHIE: Oh, geez. Oh, look who's here!
145
00:06:33,701 --> 00:06:35,234
Hi there.
146
00:06:36,701 --> 00:06:38,501
Hi, everybody.
147
00:06:38,501 --> 00:06:41,033
- Mike! - Hi, Ma.
148
00:06:43,834 --> 00:06:46,267
Where's your mustache?
149
00:06:46,267 --> 00:06:48,100
Oh, my! Is it gone?
150
00:06:48,100 --> 00:06:50,634
Oh... Mike.
151
00:06:52,367 --> 00:06:55,167
[FAKE LAUGHING, MUTTERING]
152
00:06:56,467 --> 00:06:58,534
Well, why'd you shave it off?
153
00:06:58,534 --> 00:07:01,067
Well, I forgot how I looked underneath.
154
00:07:01,067 --> 00:07:04,200
Yeah. Well, now you know. Grow it back.
155
00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:05,501
Nice to see you, Arch.
156
00:07:05,501 --> 00:07:07,868
Yeah, yeah, nice to see you, Michael.
157
00:07:07,868 --> 00:07:10,000
You're calling me Michael, isn't that nice?
158
00:07:10,000 --> 00:07:12,267
What the hell, it's Christmas.
159
00:07:12,267 --> 00:07:15,033
- Mike, I missed you.
- I missed you, too, Ma.
160
00:07:15,033 --> 00:07:16,133
This is Stephanie.
161
00:07:16,133 --> 00:07:17,634
Oh, yeah, look who's here.
162
00:07:17,634 --> 00:07:19,667
- Stephie, this is Mike. - Hi, how are you?
163
00:07:19,667 --> 00:07:22,434
I heard a lot about you. How was your trip?
164
00:07:22,434 --> 00:07:24,767
I threw up twice.
165
00:07:27,133 --> 00:07:29,634
Yeah, rough plane ride, huh?
166
00:07:29,634 --> 00:07:32,100
I threw up in Gloria's car.
167
00:07:34,334 --> 00:07:37,534
But we stopped and cleaned it all up.
168
00:07:37,534 --> 00:07:38,601
Good.
169
00:07:38,601 --> 00:07:40,634
Never mind that, where's my grandson?
170
00:07:40,634 --> 00:07:42,033
Oh, he's sleepin'.
171
00:07:42,033 --> 00:07:45,367
To hell with that! Wake him
up, I want to see him.
172
00:07:45,367 --> 00:07:46,601
Oh, let him sleep.
173
00:07:46,601 --> 00:07:48,734
He'll be up in a minute, Daddy.
174
00:07:48,734 --> 00:07:51,067
Mike, how did you hurt your back?
175
00:07:51,067 --> 00:07:52,834
I was lifting a hibachi.
176
00:07:52,834 --> 00:07:55,367
What a dope. You lifted up a motorcycle?
177
00:07:58,767 --> 00:08:02,767
Daddy, a hibachi's a Japanese barbecue.
178
00:08:02,767 --> 00:08:04,501
- Oh. - Oh.
179
00:08:04,501 --> 00:08:06,033
- I'm hungry. - I am, too.
180
00:08:06,033 --> 00:08:07,968
Let's see what's in the refrigerator.
181
00:08:07,968 --> 00:08:09,968
Oh, look at this, nothing's changed.
182
00:08:09,968 --> 00:08:13,334
Hey, come on, you two. Let
me show you the patio.
183
00:08:13,334 --> 00:08:15,634
Oh, yeah, I want to see the patio.
184
00:08:15,634 --> 00:08:18,367
- Oh, yeah. - Ooh!
185
00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:20,567
Ta-da!
186
00:08:20,567 --> 00:08:23,033
Oh, they got an outside here, huh?
187
00:08:23,033 --> 00:08:25,033
Oh!
188
00:08:25,033 --> 00:08:29,667
So this is what a patio is.
189
00:08:29,667 --> 00:08:31,300
Don't lose your mind, Edith.
190
00:08:31,300 --> 00:08:34,434
It's only a back porch with no roof on it.
191
00:08:34,434 --> 00:08:35,767
That's all it is.
192
00:08:35,767 --> 00:08:39,934
You got a lot of neighbors, don't ya?
193
00:08:39,934 --> 00:08:41,868
Oh, yeah.
194
00:08:41,868 --> 00:08:44,701
Are they all poor or something?
195
00:08:44,701 --> 00:08:46,367
No. Why?
196
00:08:46,367 --> 00:08:49,133
Well, they're all just laying there
197
00:08:49,133 --> 00:08:52,400
passin' around the same cigarette.
198
00:08:54,467 --> 00:08:56,100
Ahh...
199
00:08:56,100 --> 00:09:00,634
Gloria, take your poor mother
out of harm's way, will ya?
200
00:09:00,634 --> 00:09:02,667
Look! Ma, look.
201
00:09:02,667 --> 00:09:05,067
A real lemon tree.
202
00:09:05,067 --> 00:09:06,100
[GASPS]
203
00:09:06,100 --> 00:09:08,868
Oh!
204
00:09:08,868 --> 00:09:10,667
- Can I pick one? - No.
205
00:09:10,667 --> 00:09:12,067
Yeah.
206
00:09:12,067 --> 00:09:13,067
Oh!
207
00:09:13,067 --> 00:09:15,868
Ooh...
208
00:09:15,868 --> 00:09:16,901
Oh, oh, oh!
209
00:09:16,901 --> 00:09:18,801
[LAUGHS]
210
00:09:18,801 --> 00:09:21,100
Oh, look, Archie,
211
00:09:21,100 --> 00:09:24,067
a real lemon from a real lemon tree.
212
00:09:24,067 --> 00:09:27,701
Edith, I seen all kinds
of trees in my life.
213
00:09:27,701 --> 00:09:29,601
I mean, lemons, watermelons,
214
00:09:29,601 --> 00:09:31,033
sweet potatoes, whatever.
215
00:09:32,868 --> 00:09:35,734
You know, this is the
first lemon I ever seen
216
00:09:35,734 --> 00:09:37,934
that didn't say "Sunkist."
217
00:09:39,033 --> 00:09:42,167
Hey, how about this weather, huh?
218
00:09:42,167 --> 00:09:44,601
Oh, yeah. It's so warm.
219
00:09:44,601 --> 00:09:46,767
Well, it's too warm for me.
220
00:09:46,767 --> 00:09:48,701
I love it.
221
00:09:48,701 --> 00:09:53,100
Yeah, you know, warm is
really only for big bugs.
222
00:09:53,100 --> 00:09:54,300
You know what I mean?
223
00:09:54,300 --> 00:09:55,834
It ain't for Christmas.
224
00:09:55,834 --> 00:09:59,467
Christmas oughta be cold, with ice
and with snow, but look at this--
225
00:09:59,467 --> 00:10:01,067
And palm trees here.
226
00:10:01,067 --> 00:10:03,567
Hey, do we have to have the palm trees?
227
00:10:05,033 --> 00:10:07,033
Why don't you let me
show you all your rooms?
228
00:10:07,033 --> 00:10:08,267
Oh, yeah. I'm tired.
229
00:10:08,267 --> 00:10:09,934
Yeah, all right.
230
00:10:09,934 --> 00:10:11,901
Yeah, 'cause I'm getting
kinda tired, you know.
231
00:10:11,901 --> 00:10:13,734
Being a day ahead this way
232
00:10:13,734 --> 00:10:15,834
gives you what you call "jet lock."
233
00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:19,901
I think it's pretty...
234
00:10:29,300 --> 00:10:32,334
...close the door that way!
235
00:10:32,334 --> 00:10:34,000
I thought you were gonna stay out there.
236
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:36,434
What am I, a bush?
237
00:10:36,434 --> 00:10:37,968
Geez, you'd think you'd give
238
00:10:37,968 --> 00:10:40,200
some kinda warnin' about a glass door.
239
00:10:40,200 --> 00:10:41,934
That's why I put the butterfly up there.
240
00:10:41,934 --> 00:10:44,434
Butterfly ain't no warnin'.
241
00:10:44,434 --> 00:10:47,267
You want to give a warnin', you put up a...
242
00:10:47,267 --> 00:10:50,133
a skull and crossbones or something, dope.
243
00:10:51,267 --> 00:10:53,367
[GIGGLING]
244
00:10:53,367 --> 00:10:56,067
Stephanie, you're gonna share
Joey's room with him, okay?
245
00:10:56,067 --> 00:10:57,267
Shh!
246
00:10:57,267 --> 00:10:59,868
And Ma and Daddy, you take our room.
247
00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:02,534
But where are you and Mike gonna sleep?
248
00:11:02,534 --> 00:11:05,467
We're gonna sleep out here on the sofa bed.
249
00:11:05,467 --> 00:11:07,234
- Oh, no, Archie! - Yes!
250
00:11:07,234 --> 00:11:09,901
We can sleep out here on the sofa.
251
00:11:09,901 --> 00:11:11,968
But our bedroom is more comfortable.
252
00:11:11,968 --> 00:11:13,567
- Yeah. - No, no.
253
00:11:13,567 --> 00:11:15,534
You sleep in your own room,
254
00:11:15,534 --> 00:11:17,801
and Archie and me'll sleep out here.
255
00:11:17,801 --> 00:11:21,167
A guest is supposed to
take the best and shut up.
256
00:11:21,167 --> 00:11:23,534
Archie, they'll sleep in there,
257
00:11:23,534 --> 00:11:25,734
and we'll sleep out here.
258
00:11:25,734 --> 00:11:27,434
Case closed.
259
00:11:27,434 --> 00:11:29,968
What a boss!
260
00:11:32,534 --> 00:11:33,634
GLORIA: Look who's up!
261
00:11:33,634 --> 00:11:35,667
ARCHIE: Look who's here!
262
00:11:35,667 --> 00:11:37,400
Oh!
263
00:11:37,400 --> 00:11:38,767
Hi, there!
264
00:11:38,767 --> 00:11:41,501
Oh, my! You got so big.
265
00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:44,834
ARCHIE: Hey, look at the
head of hair on that kid.
266
00:11:44,834 --> 00:11:47,434
You remember me? Grandma?
267
00:11:47,434 --> 00:11:49,734
Hey, hey, Joey, you remember me, huh?
268
00:11:49,734 --> 00:11:51,534
Yeah. [BLOWS RASPBERRY]
269
00:11:51,534 --> 00:11:55,634
He remembers me! Ha ha ha ha!
Yeah, look at that.
270
00:11:55,634 --> 00:11:59,634
I cleared out some drawer and closet
space in our bedroom for you.
271
00:11:59,634 --> 00:12:01,734
What do you got in these suitcases?
272
00:12:01,734 --> 00:12:02,968
Your mother made cookies.
273
00:12:02,968 --> 00:12:05,534
Oh. Good boy, Joey.
274
00:12:05,534 --> 00:12:08,667
Come on in the bedroom and
empty out your suitcases.
275
00:12:08,667 --> 00:12:11,367
Come on in and help Grandma. Come on.
276
00:12:11,367 --> 00:12:14,667
Stephanie, I'll help you with
your stuff in here, okay?
277
00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:15,901
There you go.
278
00:12:23,968 --> 00:12:26,567
[EXHALES]
279
00:12:26,567 --> 00:12:28,868
Michael, I want to thank you.
280
00:12:28,868 --> 00:12:32,000
Gloria, I hate to have to
carry on this pretense.
281
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:33,634
Can't we tell them and get it over with?
282
00:12:33,634 --> 00:12:37,100
Please, can't we let them enjoy
Christmas for five days?
283
00:12:37,100 --> 00:12:39,868
Sooner or later, they're gonna
find out that we're separated.
284
00:12:50,367 --> 00:12:52,434
[INHALES]
285
00:12:52,434 --> 00:12:54,667
Ohhhh.
286
00:12:56,300 --> 00:12:58,334
[INHALES]
287
00:12:58,334 --> 00:12:59,801
Mmmm!
288
00:12:59,801 --> 00:13:02,033
[GRUMBLES]
289
00:13:02,033 --> 00:13:03,334
[INHALES]
290
00:13:03,334 --> 00:13:07,767
Oh, I love California.
291
00:13:07,767 --> 00:13:10,634
[BLOWING RASPBERRY]
292
00:13:12,968 --> 00:13:15,767
Maybe when you retire,
293
00:13:15,767 --> 00:13:19,467
we could come out here to live.
294
00:13:19,467 --> 00:13:21,767
People don't come out here to live.
295
00:13:21,767 --> 00:13:23,634
They come out here to die.
296
00:13:24,968 --> 00:13:27,834
Oh, that ain't true.
297
00:13:27,834 --> 00:13:29,834
It's a well-known fact. Look it up.
298
00:13:29,834 --> 00:13:32,734
Your three biggest
industrials in California
299
00:13:32,734 --> 00:13:36,000
is television, movies and cemeteries.
300
00:13:37,267 --> 00:13:38,834
Speaking of which,
301
00:13:38,834 --> 00:13:43,200
I'm never gonna sleep in this
damn boxed-in thing here.
302
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:46,400
God, it's like a honeymoon coffin.
303
00:13:48,767 --> 00:13:52,200
Maybe if I got you a glass of milk.
304
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:54,000
Milk gives me gas.
305
00:13:56,834 --> 00:13:59,534
How about some hot cocoa?
306
00:14:00,767 --> 00:14:05,033
Hot cocoa gives me hot gas.
307
00:14:09,033 --> 00:14:10,334
Good night, Ma.
308
00:14:10,334 --> 00:14:12,033
Oh, good night, Mike.
309
00:14:12,033 --> 00:14:13,200
Good night, Arch.
310
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:15,100
Good night, Mike.
311
00:14:21,734 --> 00:14:24,067
You can stand up straight now.
312
00:14:26,234 --> 00:14:27,868
This is ridiculous.
313
00:14:29,834 --> 00:14:31,901
[EXHALES]
314
00:14:34,634 --> 00:14:35,868
What are you doing?
315
00:14:35,868 --> 00:14:37,968
I'm going to sleep.
316
00:14:37,968 --> 00:14:40,968
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
317
00:14:40,968 --> 00:14:42,968
This is where you're gonna sleep.
318
00:14:42,968 --> 00:14:46,234
Gloria, I could be very
comfortable at my own place.
319
00:14:46,234 --> 00:14:47,334
I'm not gonna sleep in that chair
320
00:14:47,334 --> 00:14:48,534
and wind up with a real bad back
321
00:14:48,534 --> 00:14:50,234
instead of the one I'm faking.
322
00:14:50,234 --> 00:14:52,701
I'm not gonna be able
to sleep in this chair.
323
00:14:54,133 --> 00:14:56,167
All right, you can sleep in the bed.
324
00:14:58,501 --> 00:15:02,501
No, I don't think we should
sleep in the same bed now.
325
00:15:04,801 --> 00:15:06,300
All right.
326
00:15:06,300 --> 00:15:08,200
I'm sleeping here. You do
whatever you want to do.
327
00:15:11,801 --> 00:15:14,167
Well, I'm forced to take the chair.
328
00:15:18,734 --> 00:15:20,000
[SIGHS]
329
00:15:55,534 --> 00:15:56,467
[SIGHS]
330
00:16:33,434 --> 00:16:35,467
[SIGHS LOUDLY]
331
00:16:38,400 --> 00:16:40,234
Will you hold it down?
332
00:16:49,934 --> 00:16:51,534
[EXHALES]
333
00:16:54,501 --> 00:16:58,501
By the way, there'll be a
present for you from me
334
00:16:58,501 --> 00:17:01,567
under the tree tomorrow,
so don't be surprised.
335
00:17:02,834 --> 00:17:04,567
What is it?
336
00:17:04,567 --> 00:17:06,334
It's a surprise.
337
00:17:08,834 --> 00:17:12,167
I bought it for you way last October.
338
00:17:12,167 --> 00:17:13,667
What'd you get for me?
339
00:17:13,667 --> 00:17:17,400
Well, when we separated, I
returned what I got for you.
340
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:20,267
Uh-huh. Thanks.
341
00:17:20,267 --> 00:17:25,601
I exchanged it for an
electric razor for myself.
342
00:17:27,200 --> 00:17:29,634
Well, try to act surprised tomorrow,
343
00:17:29,634 --> 00:17:31,834
because that's what I got you.
344
00:17:31,834 --> 00:17:34,100
Thanks.
345
00:17:37,033 --> 00:17:40,968
I also got myself something
from you to go under the tree.
346
00:17:40,968 --> 00:17:44,734
Oh, really? What's that?
347
00:17:44,734 --> 00:17:47,601
A cute little gold bracelet.
348
00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:51,133
[SHORT CHUCKLE]
349
00:17:53,300 --> 00:17:56,667
What'd you get me that you returned?
350
00:17:56,667 --> 00:17:58,901
I forget.
351
00:17:58,901 --> 00:18:00,868
A fur coat or something.
352
00:18:03,968 --> 00:18:07,000
Must be an awful expensive electric razor
353
00:18:07,000 --> 00:18:10,901
you got for yourself in
exchange for a fur coat.
354
00:18:13,734 --> 00:18:15,367
[EXHALES NOISILY]
355
00:18:16,801 --> 00:18:18,634
Is that chair real uncomfortable?
356
00:18:19,934 --> 00:18:20,901
Very.
357
00:18:56,033 --> 00:18:58,000
Ooh! No, Edith.
358
00:18:58,000 --> 00:19:00,033
I'm too weak.
359
00:19:02,701 --> 00:19:06,434
I was just trying to put out the light.
360
00:19:08,334 --> 00:19:11,501
You woke me up to tell me that?
361
00:19:15,367 --> 00:19:18,501
- [ARCHIE EXHALES] - It's after midnight.
362
00:19:18,501 --> 00:19:20,667
I'm sure it is.
363
00:19:24,033 --> 00:19:25,901
[SIGHS]
364
00:19:29,400 --> 00:19:37,300
[OFF-KEY] * Silent night *
365
00:19:37,300 --> 00:19:41,067
Let's keep it that way, huh, Edith?
366
00:20:30,601 --> 00:20:31,934
Michael?
367
00:20:36,133 --> 00:20:37,467
- Michael. - What?
368
00:20:37,467 --> 00:20:38,467
What? What?
369
00:20:38,467 --> 00:20:39,734
It's 5:00 in the morning.
370
00:20:39,734 --> 00:20:42,033
I slept half the night in that chair.
371
00:20:42,033 --> 00:20:44,467
See? And you said you couldn't do it.
372
00:20:45,901 --> 00:20:48,267
Come on, Michael, trade with me.
373
00:20:48,267 --> 00:20:51,133
What's fair is fair. Think about it.
374
00:20:54,133 --> 00:20:55,167
Good night.
375
00:20:55,167 --> 00:20:56,701
Michael.
376
00:20:56,701 --> 00:20:58,667
- Cut it out, will you?
- Get out of this bed.
377
00:20:58,667 --> 00:20:59,801
- Get--Give me that! - Not fair!
378
00:20:59,801 --> 00:21:01,300
- You just hog everything! - Hey! Hey!
379
00:21:01,300 --> 00:21:03,567
- You always did! - Give me that!
380
00:21:04,667 --> 00:21:06,601
[STRAINING] Give it!
381
00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:09,300
Michael...
382
00:21:09,300 --> 00:21:11,000
you're an ass.
383
00:21:14,968 --> 00:21:16,834
- I'm a what? - You're an ass.
384
00:21:16,834 --> 00:21:17,834
A what?
385
00:21:17,834 --> 00:21:21,100
[HISSING] An ass.
386
00:21:22,334 --> 00:21:24,100
A what?!
387
00:21:24,100 --> 00:21:25,701
Gloria...
388
00:21:25,701 --> 00:21:27,968
the only reason I'm going through all this
389
00:21:27,968 --> 00:21:29,834
is to do a favor to you.
390
00:21:29,834 --> 00:21:32,434
Don't do me any favors.
391
00:21:32,434 --> 00:21:33,968
Fine, fine. Come on, let's go.
392
00:21:33,968 --> 00:21:36,100
Right now we get up, we
go into the other room
393
00:21:36,100 --> 00:21:38,067
and tell your parents exactly
what's going on between us.
394
00:21:38,067 --> 00:21:39,200
- Come on! - Please, please, please.
395
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:41,067
Please, Michael. Shh! Shush, shush.
396
00:21:42,567 --> 00:21:45,968
They gave us five years of
happiness in their home.
397
00:21:45,968 --> 00:21:49,734
The least we can do is give them
one week of happiness in ours.
398
00:21:49,734 --> 00:21:50,968
Five years of happiness?
399
00:21:50,968 --> 00:21:53,167
Those were the worst five years of my life.
400
00:21:53,167 --> 00:21:56,234
Those were the first five
years we were married.
401
00:21:56,234 --> 00:21:57,167
Bingo.
402
00:22:01,400 --> 00:22:03,801
I'd like to make an observation about you,
403
00:22:03,801 --> 00:22:06,400
which I believe my father may have made.
404
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:08,434
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
405
00:22:16,300 --> 00:22:17,634
You know something?
406
00:22:18,734 --> 00:22:21,133
Not only are you totally brainless,
407
00:22:21,133 --> 00:22:23,634
but since I moved out,
408
00:22:23,634 --> 00:22:25,100
you got fat.
409
00:22:37,901 --> 00:22:40,567
[CRIES LOUDLY]
410
00:22:41,801 --> 00:22:43,801
[DOOR SLAMS]
411
00:22:43,801 --> 00:22:45,734
- [GLORIA SOBS] - [DOOR SLAMS]
412
00:22:48,434 --> 00:22:50,367
[SOBBING CONTINUES]
413
00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:00,734
[KNOCKS ON DOOR] Gloria?
414
00:23:00,734 --> 00:23:01,801
[KNOCKING]
415
00:23:01,801 --> 00:23:03,767
Gloria, what's the matter?
416
00:23:03,767 --> 00:23:05,667
[CRYING] I'm fat!
417
00:23:05,667 --> 00:23:08,467
I'm fat!
418
00:23:08,467 --> 00:23:09,868
It's Michael!
419
00:23:09,868 --> 00:23:11,601
What's the matter with Michael?
420
00:23:11,601 --> 00:23:15,133
He hurt me so!
421
00:23:15,133 --> 00:23:16,467
Well, how?
422
00:23:16,467 --> 00:23:18,100
I hit him!
423
00:23:19,968 --> 00:23:21,601
You hit Mike?
424
00:23:21,601 --> 00:23:24,067
With my hand.
425
00:23:27,300 --> 00:23:29,334
I never want to see him again.
426
00:23:29,334 --> 00:23:32,734
Oh, Gloria! What happened?
427
00:23:32,734 --> 00:23:35,067
I can't talk about it.
428
00:23:35,067 --> 00:23:38,968
Oh, well, you don't have to.
429
00:23:38,968 --> 00:23:40,834
Michael and I are separated,
430
00:23:40,834 --> 00:23:44,267
and it looks like we're
gonna get a divorce.
431
00:23:46,033 --> 00:23:47,534
[SNIFFLES]
432
00:24:29,300 --> 00:24:31,701
- Oh, no. - I'm fat.
433
00:24:31,701 --> 00:24:35,601
- Oh, no. Oh, no. - I'm fat.
434
00:24:35,601 --> 00:24:37,334
- No. - Yes, I am.
435
00:24:37,334 --> 00:24:41,334
- No, no, no, no. - I'm fat.
436
00:24:44,167 --> 00:24:46,734
[SOBBING]
437
00:24:49,801 --> 00:24:53,901
And that's why we didn't
come to New York, Ma.
438
00:24:53,901 --> 00:24:57,901
We're separated, and we wanted
to spare you our problems.
439
00:24:59,033 --> 00:25:01,334
[BLOWS]
440
00:25:01,334 --> 00:25:03,801
Michael's back isn't really bad.
441
00:25:03,801 --> 00:25:05,834
That's all a lie.
442
00:25:05,834 --> 00:25:09,367
Oh, well, that's nice.
443
00:25:09,367 --> 00:25:13,968
He's just here while you're
here to keep up appearances.
444
00:25:15,033 --> 00:25:17,667
Tsk. [SIGHS]
445
00:25:17,667 --> 00:25:20,534
What happened, Gloria?
446
00:25:20,534 --> 00:25:24,200
[SOBS] Oh, he got all
wrapped up in his career.
447
00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:25,667
We got out here and he made
448
00:25:25,667 --> 00:25:27,667
all these new friends at the university,
449
00:25:27,667 --> 00:25:31,067
and he just seemed to
forget that I even existed.
450
00:25:31,067 --> 00:25:33,701
He was busy going to all of these meetings,
451
00:25:33,701 --> 00:25:36,133
and dinners, and parties...
452
00:25:36,133 --> 00:25:41,501
and I was just lying around the
apartment like a dead tuna.
453
00:25:41,501 --> 00:25:46,000
Well, did he ever ask you to go with him?
454
00:25:46,000 --> 00:25:47,767
Oh, sure.
455
00:25:47,767 --> 00:25:50,133
But that hurt even worse.
456
00:25:50,133 --> 00:25:54,367
He'd introduce me and then he'd just
disappear for the rest of the night.
457
00:25:54,367 --> 00:25:56,434
He was the life of the party,
458
00:25:56,434 --> 00:25:58,701
he was charming with all of the girls
459
00:25:58,701 --> 00:26:01,133
and he joked with all of the guys.
460
00:26:01,133 --> 00:26:03,701
But I wouldn't see him again
till he came up to me and said,
461
00:26:03,701 --> 00:26:07,367
"Well, Gloria, I guess
it's time to go home."
462
00:26:08,434 --> 00:26:10,501
I can't believe it.
463
00:26:10,501 --> 00:26:15,167
One night he forgot and
went home without me.
464
00:26:15,167 --> 00:26:17,868
I can't believe it.
465
00:26:17,868 --> 00:26:20,067
All I do is eat.
466
00:26:20,067 --> 00:26:25,934
The other night, I ate an
entire Sara Lee cheesecake...
467
00:26:25,934 --> 00:26:27,400
frozen.
468
00:26:28,467 --> 00:26:33,501
Tsk. I just can't believe it.
469
00:26:33,501 --> 00:26:35,400
Well, it's true. Look at me.
470
00:26:35,400 --> 00:26:38,133
[SOBBING] I'm fat.
471
00:26:43,901 --> 00:26:46,501
Ma, what are you looking for?
472
00:26:46,501 --> 00:26:48,767
Oh, I want to blow my nose.
473
00:26:48,767 --> 00:26:51,634
Oh, I got another box
of Kleenex under there.
474
00:26:51,634 --> 00:26:54,634
Oh, no. This is good enough for me.
475
00:26:57,267 --> 00:26:59,968
[BLOWS]
476
00:26:59,968 --> 00:27:01,901
[SIGHS]
477
00:27:01,901 --> 00:27:03,834
[BLOWS]
478
00:27:06,067 --> 00:27:07,267
[SIGHS]
479
00:27:08,767 --> 00:27:10,167
Gloria.
480
00:27:13,834 --> 00:27:14,767
Oh.
481
00:27:18,167 --> 00:27:22,634
Are you sure this is all...
482
00:27:22,634 --> 00:27:25,801
big enough to break up over?
483
00:27:28,434 --> 00:27:29,634
Ma...
484
00:27:44,667 --> 00:27:47,100
[SIGHS]
485
00:27:47,100 --> 00:27:51,133
I've been seeing another man.
486
00:27:55,501 --> 00:27:56,734
What?
487
00:27:58,400 --> 00:28:00,400
[WHISPERING] Another man.
488
00:28:07,901 --> 00:28:09,567
Ma.
489
00:28:09,567 --> 00:28:11,267
Ma! Ma!
490
00:28:11,267 --> 00:28:12,334
Are you all right?
491
00:28:12,334 --> 00:28:13,868
- Yeah. - Stay with me, Ma.
492
00:28:13,868 --> 00:28:16,901
Oh, Ma. Oh, Ma.
493
00:28:16,901 --> 00:28:20,801
His name, his name, Ma, is Bud Krieger,
494
00:28:20,801 --> 00:28:22,834
and he's a very nice person.
495
00:28:22,834 --> 00:28:25,000
And he doesn't think I'm fat.
496
00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:28,734
I'm sure you'll like him very much, Ma.
497
00:28:28,734 --> 00:28:30,501
Ma!
498
00:28:30,501 --> 00:28:32,400
Ma.
499
00:28:32,400 --> 00:28:34,767
Ma, please stay with me.
500
00:28:34,767 --> 00:28:36,534
Don't give in.
501
00:28:36,534 --> 00:28:37,567
A little water.
502
00:28:37,567 --> 00:28:39,200
Oh! Ah.
503
00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:41,300
Ah! Oh.
504
00:28:41,300 --> 00:28:43,300
Oh, Ma.
505
00:28:43,300 --> 00:28:46,534
Don't you understand, Ma?
506
00:28:46,534 --> 00:28:50,601
Oh, Ma. See, I was lonely.
507
00:28:50,601 --> 00:28:53,968
And one night at a faculty
party, Bud Krieger--
508
00:28:53,968 --> 00:28:56,834
No, Ma. Stay with me, please.
509
00:28:56,834 --> 00:28:59,667
- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm here. Oh. Yes.
510
00:28:59,667 --> 00:29:02,601
He came over, he could see
I was standing alone,
511
00:29:02,601 --> 00:29:03,868
and he talked to me.
512
00:29:03,868 --> 00:29:06,000
Ma, since we've been out here,
513
00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:10,267
he's the first person to
really seem interested in me.
514
00:29:10,267 --> 00:29:11,834
As a matter of fact, Ma,
515
00:29:11,834 --> 00:29:13,701
I think he's in love with me.
516
00:29:13,701 --> 00:29:15,400
- Ahh. - Ma.
517
00:29:15,400 --> 00:29:17,501
Please, Ma. Maybe not.
518
00:29:17,501 --> 00:29:20,501
Maybe not. Maybe I just
sort of imagined it.
519
00:29:20,501 --> 00:29:21,701
Oh, oh.
520
00:29:21,701 --> 00:29:22,834
What are you doing?
521
00:29:22,834 --> 00:29:24,634
Where are you going? Be careful, Ma.
522
00:29:24,634 --> 00:29:26,767
- What are you looking for? - Aspirin.
523
00:29:26,767 --> 00:29:29,033
Here. Right here. Here's the aspirin.
524
00:29:29,033 --> 00:29:32,968
Oh, what's the matter, Ma?
You got a headache?
525
00:29:32,968 --> 00:29:36,067
No. But I will
526
00:29:36,067 --> 00:29:39,067
when I tell your father.
527
00:29:39,067 --> 00:29:42,634
Oh, Ma, stay up. Stay with
me, Ma, please, please.
528
00:29:42,634 --> 00:29:44,167
Sit down. Oh.
529
00:29:49,200 --> 00:29:52,234
Ma, please, don't faint.
530
00:29:52,234 --> 00:29:55,300
Ma... do you have to tell Daddy?
531
00:29:55,300 --> 00:29:58,267
Oh, sure.
532
00:29:58,267 --> 00:30:00,634
Who else am I gonna tell?
533
00:30:02,133 --> 00:30:05,100
- ARCHIE: Hey, Edith, what are you doing?
- Oh!
534
00:30:05,100 --> 00:30:06,300
Yeah.
535
00:30:06,300 --> 00:30:07,467
ARCHIE: What's happening?
536
00:30:07,467 --> 00:30:10,200
Oh, nothing, Archie.
537
00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:14,667
ARCHIE: You wanna do your nothing
in bed, will ya? I can't sleep.
538
00:30:14,667 --> 00:30:15,868
[FLUSH]
539
00:30:15,868 --> 00:30:18,400
I'll be right there.
540
00:30:18,400 --> 00:30:22,400
Oh, Ma--Ma, are you all right?
541
00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:24,934
Yeah. Are you all right?
542
00:30:24,934 --> 00:30:26,601
Oh, Gloria.
543
00:30:28,968 --> 00:30:31,601
You better get some sleep.
544
00:30:31,601 --> 00:30:35,200
Oh, no, I'm up, Ma, I'll just...
545
00:30:35,200 --> 00:30:37,300
put on a fresh face.
546
00:30:37,300 --> 00:30:39,901
It's Christmas morning,
547
00:30:39,901 --> 00:30:41,601
the kids'll be up soon.
548
00:30:43,567 --> 00:30:45,434
Merry Christmas.
549
00:30:45,434 --> 00:30:47,834
[BOTH SOBBING]
550
00:30:47,834 --> 00:30:50,567
[SOBBING] Merry Christmas.
551
00:30:52,601 --> 00:30:54,534
[BOTH CONTINUE SOBBING]
552
00:31:07,067 --> 00:31:09,801
[CRIES] I'm fat.
553
00:31:40,701 --> 00:31:42,934
Edith...
554
00:31:42,934 --> 00:31:45,601
you're supposed to leave
that in the bathroom.
555
00:31:47,601 --> 00:31:51,200
I was just using it for Kleenex.
556
00:31:54,434 --> 00:31:57,200
Well, now I gotta get up.
557
00:31:57,200 --> 00:32:01,100
Why? It's only 5:30.
558
00:32:01,100 --> 00:32:02,267
Oh, yeah?
559
00:32:02,267 --> 00:32:05,968
Well, it's 8:30, according to my bladder,
560
00:32:05,968 --> 00:32:08,167
which was born in New York.
561
00:32:09,934 --> 00:32:12,534
But you can't go in there now.
562
00:32:12,534 --> 00:32:15,868
Gloria is putting on her face.
563
00:32:15,868 --> 00:32:17,000
Ah, God.
564
00:32:17,000 --> 00:32:19,367
But she won't be long.
565
00:32:19,367 --> 00:32:23,868
She's got such a little face.
566
00:32:23,868 --> 00:32:26,534
Yeah, yeah.
567
00:32:26,534 --> 00:32:28,167
Uh, you know...
568
00:32:28,167 --> 00:32:31,234
I think it ain't gonna be a
bad Christmas after all,
569
00:32:31,234 --> 00:32:33,834
huh, you know, with everybody here.
570
00:32:33,834 --> 00:32:35,267
It's nice.
571
00:32:35,267 --> 00:32:36,834
I mean, even the Meathead--
572
00:32:36,834 --> 00:32:39,667
don't tell him I ever said this--
573
00:32:39,667 --> 00:32:41,300
he ain't a bad son-in-law.
574
00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:45,734
You know, we could have
done a helluva lot worse.
575
00:32:45,734 --> 00:32:48,300
After all, he's healthy,
576
00:32:48,300 --> 00:32:50,701
he gave us a little grandson,
577
00:32:50,701 --> 00:32:52,601
he's working,
578
00:32:52,601 --> 00:32:55,067
and he ain't Jewish and he's white.
579
00:32:55,067 --> 00:32:57,467
[SOBS]
580
00:32:58,801 --> 00:33:00,400
What are you bawlin' for?
581
00:33:04,300 --> 00:33:07,667
I got something to tell you.
582
00:33:07,667 --> 00:33:09,300
Well, go ahead.
583
00:33:10,400 --> 00:33:12,734
Oh, it's awful.
584
00:33:12,734 --> 00:33:15,033
Oh, well, if it's awful,
keep it to yourself.
585
00:33:15,033 --> 00:33:17,067
Geez, awful, that's your department.
586
00:33:21,834 --> 00:33:23,133
Archie...
587
00:33:28,734 --> 00:33:31,634
Mike and Gloria...
588
00:33:31,634 --> 00:33:34,000
are separated.
589
00:33:48,434 --> 00:33:50,300
What are you talking about?
590
00:33:52,334 --> 00:33:53,834
They're here, ain't they?
591
00:33:59,834 --> 00:34:02,167
They're gettin' a divorce.
592
00:34:03,601 --> 00:34:04,567
A what?
593
00:34:08,033 --> 00:34:10,367
[MOUTHING WORD]
594
00:34:15,334 --> 00:34:20,968
Oh, you don't mean a D-I-V-O-R-S, do ya?
595
00:34:25,467 --> 00:34:27,133
Oh, no.
596
00:34:27,133 --> 00:34:28,534
Oh, what?
597
00:34:28,534 --> 00:34:31,434
D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
598
00:34:36,000 --> 00:34:37,968
Do you want an aspirin?
599
00:34:37,968 --> 00:34:41,601
No. I want to kill your son-in-law!
600
00:34:41,601 --> 00:34:43,067
- Oh, no, no. - Oh, yes, yes.
601
00:34:43,067 --> 00:34:44,334
- Get away! - No!
602
00:34:44,334 --> 00:34:46,334
Get away from me. He ain't in there.
603
00:34:46,334 --> 00:34:47,601
Where the hell is he?
604
00:34:47,601 --> 00:34:50,334
He's in there. No, please.
605
00:34:50,334 --> 00:34:52,267
[INDISTINCT ARGUING]
606
00:34:56,701 --> 00:34:59,200
Oh, no! I'm gonna get in there!
607
00:34:59,200 --> 00:35:01,734
All right, Meathead, get up
and get out of that bed!
608
00:35:01,734 --> 00:35:04,300
Stand up so I can knock you
down again like you deserve!
609
00:35:04,300 --> 00:35:05,801
You ain't gonna cheat on my little girl!
610
00:35:05,801 --> 00:35:08,100
Hey, wait a second, Archie!
I wasn't cheating on her!
611
00:35:08,100 --> 00:35:09,434
Don't gimme none of that crap.
612
00:35:09,434 --> 00:35:10,868
MIKE: I wasn't cheating on her!
613
00:35:10,868 --> 00:35:12,701
What are you talking about?!
614
00:35:12,701 --> 00:35:15,100
Dad! Sh! You're gonna wake up the kids! Sh!
615
00:35:15,100 --> 00:35:17,167
Wake them up and bring 'em in here
616
00:35:17,167 --> 00:35:19,634
and let 'em see me kill a guy!
617
00:35:19,634 --> 00:35:23,434
Arch, you're gonna give
yourself a heart attack!
618
00:35:23,434 --> 00:35:26,467
If I want a heart attack,
I'll give it to myself!
619
00:35:26,467 --> 00:35:29,234
It's Christmas, ain't it?
620
00:35:29,234 --> 00:35:30,300
Come on, Meathead!
621
00:35:30,300 --> 00:35:33,300
Stop hiding behind my daughter there!
622
00:35:33,300 --> 00:35:35,901
Daddy, you're making a big mistake.
623
00:35:35,901 --> 00:35:38,200
Oh, no. You're the one
that made the mistake
624
00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:40,501
when you married that
guy in the first place.
625
00:35:40,501 --> 00:35:43,334
And I warned you, I said,
"Don't come out to California!
626
00:35:43,334 --> 00:35:45,234
"There's something about
the weather out here
627
00:35:45,234 --> 00:35:48,167
that goes into a guy's pants."
628
00:35:49,567 --> 00:35:51,100
You want to know what really happened?
629
00:35:51,100 --> 00:35:52,567
I'll tell you what really happened!
630
00:35:54,167 --> 00:35:56,033
I can't tell you what really happened.
631
00:35:56,033 --> 00:35:57,734
Aw, geez!
632
00:35:57,734 --> 00:35:59,634
Well, I'll tell you what really happened.
633
00:35:59,634 --> 00:36:02,033
No, I got a better idea!
634
00:36:02,033 --> 00:36:04,200
Let's all open our presents!
635
00:36:07,667 --> 00:36:09,601
Ever since we moved out here,
636
00:36:09,601 --> 00:36:11,934
I have been nothing but a housekeeper,
637
00:36:11,934 --> 00:36:13,634
a babysitter and a cook.
638
00:36:13,634 --> 00:36:15,234
What the hell is wrong with that?
639
00:36:15,234 --> 00:36:16,834
You were doing your duty by him.
640
00:36:16,834 --> 00:36:18,701
I can't help it if my job requires
641
00:36:18,701 --> 00:36:21,000
that I spend a lot of
nights away from home.
642
00:36:21,000 --> 00:36:22,601
Whoa ho ho!
643
00:36:22,601 --> 00:36:24,934
What is "whoa ho ho" supposed to mean?
644
00:36:26,133 --> 00:36:30,868
"Whoa ho ho" speaks for itself.
645
00:36:30,868 --> 00:36:34,267
Since when is it a crime for
a man to stay away at night
646
00:36:34,267 --> 00:36:35,934
to better himself and his family?
647
00:36:35,934 --> 00:36:40,234
The only man that stays away at night
to better himself and his family
648
00:36:40,234 --> 00:36:44,567
is a pimp or a mugger or Dracula.
649
00:36:45,901 --> 00:36:49,901
Let's all have French toast for breakfast.
650
00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:55,033
I don't know what you've
been doing at night,
651
00:36:55,033 --> 00:36:57,167
but you certainly have been ignoring me!
652
00:36:57,167 --> 00:36:59,701
Well, you wanted to stay home alone!
653
00:36:59,701 --> 00:37:01,634
That's not true and you know it!
654
00:37:01,634 --> 00:37:03,701
I just didn't want to be with your friends,
655
00:37:03,701 --> 00:37:05,501
because they made me feel inadequate.
656
00:37:05,501 --> 00:37:07,801
I thought you were getting
along with my friends.
657
00:37:07,801 --> 00:37:10,167
I thought you had a lot
in common with them.
658
00:37:10,167 --> 00:37:12,501
Oh, sure. They thought I was dopey,
659
00:37:12,501 --> 00:37:14,400
and I thought they were... dopey.
660
00:37:17,567 --> 00:37:21,067
The only friend I had was Joey.
661
00:37:23,467 --> 00:37:26,200
I think you're leaving out
one other little friend.
662
00:37:28,367 --> 00:37:30,934
[GRUMBLING] Shh!
663
00:37:30,934 --> 00:37:34,601
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
664
00:37:34,601 --> 00:37:38,000
I think I heard something
here that--that--that
665
00:37:38,000 --> 00:37:39,300
that I didn't like.
666
00:37:39,300 --> 00:37:41,934
What was it you just said?
667
00:37:41,934 --> 00:37:46,000
I said she's leaving out
one other little friend.
668
00:37:46,000 --> 00:37:48,901
And then you said what?
669
00:37:50,367 --> 00:37:53,901
I said, "Shh."
670
00:37:53,901 --> 00:37:57,701
That's what I didn't
like-- that "shh" there.
671
00:38:00,367 --> 00:38:02,167
Little friend who?
672
00:38:05,534 --> 00:38:06,601
Who?!
673
00:38:06,601 --> 00:38:08,167
Bud Krieger.
674
00:38:11,167 --> 00:38:13,133
Bud Krieger?
675
00:38:13,133 --> 00:38:15,033
Yes.
676
00:38:15,033 --> 00:38:17,467
[MOCKING ARCHIE] Bud Krieger.
677
00:38:32,601 --> 00:38:33,667
Bud?
678
00:38:37,000 --> 00:38:38,601
Bud Krieger?
679
00:38:41,934 --> 00:38:45,000
Bud Krieger.
680
00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:48,701
Well, I certainly hope that Bud Krieger
681
00:38:48,701 --> 00:38:52,100
is one of your girlfriends.
682
00:38:52,100 --> 00:38:55,901
But I don't think she is.
683
00:38:55,901 --> 00:38:57,601
Is he?
684
00:39:00,400 --> 00:39:03,467
Bud Krieger is a man.
685
00:39:03,467 --> 00:39:05,701
I know.
686
00:39:05,701 --> 00:39:07,534
He's a man!
687
00:39:07,534 --> 00:39:10,534
Shh. Archie, your blood pressure.
688
00:39:10,534 --> 00:39:12,901
Let it burst all over the walls
689
00:39:12,901 --> 00:39:15,400
and the ceiling and the floor here!
690
00:39:16,901 --> 00:39:19,667
What was you doing with Bud Krieger?
691
00:39:19,667 --> 00:39:21,868
We just had a couple of dates.
692
00:39:21,868 --> 00:39:25,567
A couple of dates? You're a married woman!
693
00:39:25,567 --> 00:39:28,200
Well, so what? He's a married man!
694
00:39:28,200 --> 00:39:31,801
Ohh, my God!
695
00:39:31,801 --> 00:39:33,434
Oh, Ma!
696
00:39:33,434 --> 00:39:35,501
Please... [MOANING]
697
00:39:35,501 --> 00:39:38,400
He and his wife have been
separated for over a year.
698
00:39:38,400 --> 00:39:40,501
Aw, g--
699
00:39:40,501 --> 00:39:42,868
Well, I knew she was gonna come to this
700
00:39:42,868 --> 00:39:46,167
nine years ago when the first Cosmopolitan
701
00:39:46,167 --> 00:39:48,334
came into the house.
702
00:39:53,033 --> 00:39:54,701
Daddy, there is nothing wrong
703
00:39:54,701 --> 00:39:57,100
with a man and a woman seeing each other.
704
00:39:57,100 --> 00:39:59,467
Seeing each other?!
705
00:40:03,300 --> 00:40:06,167
I think that depends, little girl,
706
00:40:06,167 --> 00:40:10,734
on what they're doin'
with what they're seein'.
707
00:40:12,133 --> 00:40:14,033
What are you getting at?
708
00:40:15,300 --> 00:40:17,033
I think the question is,
709
00:40:17,033 --> 00:40:20,400
what was you and Bud Krieger...
710
00:40:20,400 --> 00:40:22,367
gettin' at?
711
00:40:24,834 --> 00:40:27,501
I don't think I'm gonna
answer that question.
712
00:40:27,501 --> 00:40:28,934
And why not?
713
00:40:28,934 --> 00:40:32,367
Because it's none of your business.
714
00:40:34,234 --> 00:40:36,434
Oh, well, then I got my answer.
715
00:40:41,467 --> 00:40:43,634
How could you do
716
00:40:43,634 --> 00:40:47,100
a thing like this to your family
717
00:40:47,100 --> 00:40:48,200
and him.
718
00:40:54,801 --> 00:40:56,968
Gloria is right.
719
00:40:58,901 --> 00:41:01,968
This is between him and her,
720
00:41:01,968 --> 00:41:03,901
and nobody else.
721
00:41:03,901 --> 00:41:05,767
Gloria's right?
722
00:41:05,767 --> 00:41:07,567
And she busted one of the Commandments.
723
00:41:07,567 --> 00:41:10,400
I forget whether it was
number three or four.
724
00:41:10,400 --> 00:41:13,167
We don't know that.
725
00:41:13,167 --> 00:41:16,901
We certainly know it's one of the top ten.
726
00:41:22,167 --> 00:41:23,834
Well, Meathead,
727
00:41:23,834 --> 00:41:27,701
I never thought I'd be saying this to you,
728
00:41:27,701 --> 00:41:29,167
but you're too good for her!
729
00:41:30,267 --> 00:41:31,400
Archie!
730
00:41:31,400 --> 00:41:33,133
[CRIES]
731
00:41:38,501 --> 00:41:40,300
No matter what she done,
732
00:41:40,300 --> 00:41:42,367
it's none of your business!
733
00:41:42,367 --> 00:41:43,868
What are you talking about?
734
00:41:43,868 --> 00:41:45,234
It's the world's business.
735
00:41:45,234 --> 00:41:48,234
No, it ain't the world's business, neither.
736
00:41:48,234 --> 00:41:50,701
Well, it's certainly God's business.
737
00:41:53,100 --> 00:41:56,400
Then you let God tend to it.
738
00:42:09,968 --> 00:42:12,100
All I want to know is
739
00:42:12,100 --> 00:42:16,434
if Mike and Gloria still love each other.
740
00:42:17,868 --> 00:42:20,167
Don't be ridiculous.
741
00:42:20,167 --> 00:42:22,901
People can't do things
like this to each other
742
00:42:22,901 --> 00:42:24,767
and still love each other!
743
00:42:27,033 --> 00:42:28,567
Yes, they can, Arch.
744
00:42:30,400 --> 00:42:32,367
They can?
745
00:42:32,367 --> 00:42:34,267
Sure.
746
00:42:36,601 --> 00:42:38,200
I love Gloria.
747
00:42:52,534 --> 00:42:54,067
I love him.
748
00:42:59,634 --> 00:43:03,234
Then all you gotta do is figure out
749
00:43:03,234 --> 00:43:06,300
if you love each other enough
750
00:43:06,300 --> 00:43:09,133
to save your marriage.
751
00:43:12,667 --> 00:43:14,400
Do you, Mike?
752
00:43:16,968 --> 00:43:20,467
[STAMMERING] I-I don't
know how I feel now, Ma.
753
00:43:24,467 --> 00:43:26,100
Gloria?
754
00:43:30,968 --> 00:43:33,767
I'm not gonna answer
that in front of Daddy.
755
00:43:39,167 --> 00:43:43,334
Well, that's enough for now.
756
00:43:43,334 --> 00:43:47,868
[MOCKING EDITH] That's enough for now.
757
00:43:49,567 --> 00:43:51,467
So that's all there is to that, huh?
758
00:43:51,467 --> 00:43:53,534
Everything is hotsy-totsy, huh?
759
00:43:53,534 --> 00:43:55,434
He loves her, she loves him,
760
00:43:55,434 --> 00:43:56,701
you love them,
761
00:43:56,701 --> 00:43:58,667
and everybody goes on,
762
00:43:58,667 --> 00:44:00,200
happy ever after.
763
00:44:00,200 --> 00:44:03,200
And nobody suffers for this!
764
00:44:03,200 --> 00:44:06,000
That's a good idea!
765
00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:09,701
Now we're all gonna start Christmas.
766
00:44:09,701 --> 00:44:11,701
We're gonna open all our presents.
767
00:44:11,701 --> 00:44:13,868
Mike, you come with me and help me
768
00:44:13,868 --> 00:44:16,000
wake up Stephie and Joey.
769
00:44:16,000 --> 00:44:17,868
- MIKE: Okay, Ma. - EDITH: Stephie!
770
00:44:17,868 --> 00:44:19,567
Joey!
771
00:44:23,200 --> 00:44:24,968
[SIGHS]
772
00:44:38,834 --> 00:44:41,200
Well, maybe your mother's right.
773
00:44:45,000 --> 00:44:47,801
Maybe it ain't really...
774
00:44:49,033 --> 00:44:51,334
none of my business.
775
00:45:01,367 --> 00:45:03,968
I love you, Daddy.
776
00:45:22,834 --> 00:45:24,834
I love you, too, little girl.
777
00:45:24,834 --> 00:45:27,000
[SOBBING]
778
00:45:38,300 --> 00:45:41,000
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
779
00:45:43,501 --> 00:45:45,501
- Are you gonna help me? - Yeah.
780
00:45:45,501 --> 00:45:48,734
Stephanie, this is for you.
You can open that.
781
00:45:48,734 --> 00:45:50,234
Joey, why don't you open that one up?
782
00:45:50,234 --> 00:45:51,701
EDITH: Thataboy!
783
00:45:51,701 --> 00:45:53,334
- What's that? - Oh!
784
00:45:53,334 --> 00:45:54,334
Hello, look at that.
785
00:45:54,334 --> 00:45:55,434
Thank you, Aunt Edith!
786
00:45:55,434 --> 00:45:57,267
Joey, get on it now.
787
00:45:57,267 --> 00:45:59,400
- Joey, come here. - Thank you, Aunt Edith!
788
00:45:59,400 --> 00:46:01,267
Come on-- Oh, you're welcome.
789
00:46:01,267 --> 00:46:02,367
Come on now.
790
00:46:02,367 --> 00:46:04,434
- Try it out, Joe. - Come on.
791
00:46:04,434 --> 00:46:05,934
Let's see it. Let's see you ride it.
792
00:46:05,934 --> 00:46:08,133
- Come on. - Here he goes!
793
00:46:08,133 --> 00:46:09,767
Oh, boy! Look at him go!
794
00:46:09,767 --> 00:46:11,701
Merry Christmas, Joey!
795
00:46:11,701 --> 00:46:13,367
Look at him go! Whoa!
796
00:46:14,434 --> 00:46:15,834
Look what he got from Santa.
797
00:46:15,834 --> 00:46:17,734
What did you get, Stephie?
798
00:46:17,734 --> 00:46:19,734
Oh, she's beautiful.
799
00:46:19,734 --> 00:46:21,868
- Archie, that's for you. - Oh, not for me.
800
00:46:21,868 --> 00:46:23,667
Gloria, this is for you.
801
00:46:23,667 --> 00:46:27,200
Thank you. Gee, I wonder what it could be.
802
00:46:27,200 --> 00:46:30,167
Oh, Michael, yours is the little
one with the big red bow.
803
00:46:30,167 --> 00:46:31,767
Oh, Michael got a red one, too.
804
00:46:31,767 --> 00:46:33,334
- [GASPS] - What? What?
805
00:46:33,334 --> 00:46:35,334
Oh, Daddy, it's just so lovely.
806
00:46:35,334 --> 00:46:36,834
Look, Ma, what Michael gave me.
807
00:46:36,834 --> 00:46:40,033
Oh, Mike, that's beautiful.
808
00:46:40,033 --> 00:46:44,167
Yes, it is. And what a surprise.
809
00:46:44,167 --> 00:46:46,100
Thank you, Michael.
810
00:46:47,601 --> 00:46:50,667
Oh, and thank you.
811
00:46:50,667 --> 00:46:52,167
It's what I always wanted--
812
00:46:52,167 --> 00:46:54,167
an electric razor.
813
00:47:03,634 --> 00:47:05,300
Merry Christmas.
814
00:47:08,267 --> 00:47:09,968
Merry Christmas.
815
00:47:16,400 --> 00:47:19,133
Oh, Archie,
816
00:47:19,133 --> 00:47:22,467
that's the nicest Christmas present
817
00:47:22,467 --> 00:47:25,467
I could ever have.
818
00:47:25,467 --> 00:47:27,834
Oh, well, I'm glad of that, Edith,
819
00:47:27,834 --> 00:47:31,200
because I left yours in New York.
820
00:47:32,701 --> 00:47:36,934
Oh, that's all right. That's all right.
821
00:47:36,934 --> 00:47:39,200
No, don't hit me.
822
00:48:00,200 --> 00:48:01,901
[
]
823
00:48:19,200 --> 00:48:21,667
All in the Family was
playedto a studio audience
824
00:48:21,667 --> 00:48:23,601
for live responses.
825
00:48:23,651 --> 00:48:28,201
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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