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Boy, the way Glenn Miller played
2
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Songs that made the hit parade
3
00:00:07,634 --> 00:00:10,734
Guys like us, we had it made
4
00:00:10,734 --> 00:00:13,734
Those were the days
5
00:00:13,734 --> 00:00:17,701
And you knew where you were then
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00:00:17,701 --> 00:00:20,968
Girls were girls, and men were men
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00:00:20,968 --> 00:00:25,934
Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again
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00:00:25,934 --> 00:00:29,467
Didn't need no welfare state
9
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Everybody pulled his weight
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Gee, our old LaSalle ran great
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Those were the days
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["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYS]
13
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Here you are, Santa, have some nuts.
14
00:00:49,501 --> 00:00:52,100
- Ah, thank you. Merry Christmas to ya.
- Ha ha, hey!
15
00:00:52,100 --> 00:00:55,834
Ah, this Christmas season's
really something, ain't it, Arch?
16
00:00:55,834 --> 00:00:57,167
Yeah, something awful.
17
00:00:57,167 --> 00:00:59,601
Yeah, it's a terrific time of year.
18
00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:02,901
It's terrific but givin' me the blues.
19
00:01:02,901 --> 00:01:05,367
Come on, Christmas is fun.
20
00:01:05,367 --> 00:01:07,934
'Tis the season to be jolly
21
00:01:07,934 --> 00:01:10,801
Fa la la la la la la la la
22
00:01:10,801 --> 00:01:13,167
Come on. Hey! Stop, will you?
23
00:01:13,167 --> 00:01:14,934
Gimme a break here, huh?
24
00:01:14,934 --> 00:01:17,033
What the hell you want
me to be jolly about?
25
00:01:17,033 --> 00:01:21,200
Muggers in the streets there,
busting our heads in here.
26
00:01:21,200 --> 00:01:25,767
Your friendly neighborhood
merchants gouging you there?
27
00:01:25,767 --> 00:01:29,534
Dignified professional men
on the subway groping ya?
28
00:01:32,033 --> 00:01:34,667
Hey, Arch, does the house
ever buy one a round here?
29
00:01:34,667 --> 00:01:37,367
Hey, get a load of Santy Claus over there.
30
00:01:37,367 --> 00:01:39,601
He ain't even been on
his corner a week here,
31
00:01:39,601 --> 00:01:42,434
he's acting like a regular customer,
looking for a free drink.
32
00:01:42,434 --> 00:01:45,400
I'm a regular customer. I
never get a free drink.
33
00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:48,200
Why don't you write a
letter to Santy Claus?
34
00:01:49,834 --> 00:01:52,167
Arch, I think we should buy a round.
35
00:01:52,167 --> 00:01:53,167
Why?
36
00:01:53,167 --> 00:01:54,501
I think so, too.
37
00:01:54,501 --> 00:01:56,234
Hey, when I want your advice,
38
00:01:56,234 --> 00:01:58,367
I'll ask for it.
39
00:01:58,367 --> 00:02:01,067
Arch, just for the bar and Santa.
40
00:02:03,501 --> 00:02:05,200
Well, what's your advice?
41
00:02:05,200 --> 00:02:06,934
[ALONG WITH ARCHIE] Free drinks.
42
00:02:10,801 --> 00:02:12,434
ARCHIE: Okay, a drink, huh?
43
00:02:12,434 --> 00:02:16,367
Remember, no doubles, just one little drink
44
00:02:16,367 --> 00:02:18,267
for the Merry Christmas here.
45
00:02:18,267 --> 00:02:19,701
Hey, Mr. Van Ranseleer,
46
00:02:19,701 --> 00:02:21,100
here's looking at you.
47
00:02:21,100 --> 00:02:23,000
I'll drink to that.
48
00:02:23,000 --> 00:02:26,033
Jeez, I'm sorry.
49
00:02:26,033 --> 00:02:28,968
I keep forgetting you're blind.
50
00:02:28,968 --> 00:02:30,934
How are things going, Santa?
51
00:02:30,934 --> 00:02:32,767
Any charity left in the world?
52
00:02:32,767 --> 00:02:34,868
I'll let you know in a minute.
53
00:02:34,868 --> 00:02:37,267
Any of you guys want to sweeten the pot?
54
00:02:37,267 --> 00:02:42,567
I tell you, I'm tapped out for
the current "friscal" year.
55
00:02:42,567 --> 00:02:44,234
How about you?
56
00:02:44,234 --> 00:02:46,601
I gave at the office.
57
00:02:46,601 --> 00:02:48,000
Hey, how about you?
58
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,234
Uh, put it on my tab.
59
00:02:50,234 --> 00:02:51,734
How about yourself?
60
00:02:51,734 --> 00:02:54,334
Well, that answers my question.
61
00:02:54,334 --> 00:02:57,367
Hey, Santy, you better get
back out there on your corner
62
00:02:57,367 --> 00:02:59,868
before the "hairy krishnies"
grab it for their act.
63
00:02:59,868 --> 00:03:01,467
Yeah, you're right.
64
00:03:01,467 --> 00:03:03,767
And, by the way, when you're out there,
65
00:03:03,767 --> 00:03:06,300
don't ring your jolly bell so loud, huh?
66
00:03:06,300 --> 00:03:08,234
Nobody likes that.
67
00:03:08,234 --> 00:03:09,667
Okay, Arch.
68
00:03:09,667 --> 00:03:10,968
I'll see you later.
69
00:03:10,968 --> 00:03:13,868
Yeah, see you later. Let me go, ten--
70
00:03:13,868 --> 00:03:15,367
- Arch, Arch! - Yeah, yeah.
71
00:03:15,367 --> 00:03:16,767
- I've been meaning to tell ya. - What?
72
00:03:16,767 --> 00:03:20,200
Don't count the dough in
front of the clientele.
73
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:23,501
Jeez, you ain't got no faith in humanity.
74
00:03:23,501 --> 00:03:25,334
You know, you're worse than me.
75
00:03:27,100 --> 00:03:29,634
Five, six... I--
76
00:03:29,634 --> 00:03:31,901
Oh, wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
77
00:03:31,901 --> 00:03:33,834
What the hell is this here?
78
00:03:33,834 --> 00:03:34,968
What's the matter?
79
00:03:34,968 --> 00:03:37,367
Wait, let me look, will ya?
80
00:03:38,834 --> 00:03:42,234
We got stiffed here for a
phony ten-dollar bill.
81
00:03:42,234 --> 00:03:43,467
How do you know?
82
00:03:43,467 --> 00:03:45,400
I know because I can read there.
83
00:03:45,400 --> 00:03:46,501
Don't you see that?
84
00:03:46,501 --> 00:03:49,434
There's a word spelled backwards.
85
00:03:49,434 --> 00:03:51,634
It looks okay to me.
86
00:03:51,634 --> 00:03:53,634
"Indogwe trust"?
87
00:03:55,567 --> 00:03:57,567
Oh, yeah.
88
00:03:57,567 --> 00:04:00,400
Lucky you're a good speller.
89
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:01,567
Give me that.
90
00:04:01,567 --> 00:04:04,167
What the hell is the matter with you?
91
00:04:04,167 --> 00:04:06,133
Ten dollars, geez!
92
00:04:06,133 --> 00:04:08,934
I know it ain't nothing beside the Jap yen,
93
00:04:08,934 --> 00:04:10,801
but it's still ten dollars.
94
00:04:10,801 --> 00:04:14,767
Why are you so careless, huh?
Watch what you're doin'.
95
00:04:14,767 --> 00:04:16,634
You ain't gonna get no place in this world
96
00:04:16,634 --> 00:04:18,067
unless you keep your eyes open.
97
00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:21,601
Excuse me, Mr. Van Ranseleer.
98
00:04:21,601 --> 00:04:23,567
Me? How do you know it was me?
99
00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:25,400
Maybe it was you got stiffed.
100
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:27,534
No, it wasn't, 'cause I
know what I'm doin' there.
101
00:04:27,534 --> 00:04:29,434
But you... geez.
102
00:04:29,434 --> 00:04:34,734
You'd give ten singles for a piece of
toilet paper if it was painted green.
103
00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:38,934
I still don't think it was me.
104
00:04:38,934 --> 00:04:40,934
All right, I'll prove it to ya.
105
00:04:40,934 --> 00:04:44,033
Here, here's the phony ten.
You know what I'm gonna do?
106
00:04:44,033 --> 00:04:46,234
I'm gonna stick that phony...
107
00:04:46,234 --> 00:04:49,100
right in here with these other good ones.
108
00:04:49,100 --> 00:04:51,000
Now you find it.
109
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:52,467
I'll prove it to ya.
110
00:04:52,467 --> 00:04:53,968
Go ahead.
111
00:04:56,267 --> 00:04:59,234
There. There's your phony.
112
00:04:59,234 --> 00:05:04,067
You just proved that you don't
know your cash from your elbow.
113
00:05:04,067 --> 00:05:06,067
Here's the phony right here.
114
00:05:06,067 --> 00:05:09,434
I only pretended to stick
it in with the good ones.
115
00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:11,901
"In dogwe trust"?
116
00:05:18,167 --> 00:05:19,834
Give me that.
117
00:05:19,834 --> 00:05:22,801
Holy cow, we got stiffed
for two of them in here.
118
00:05:22,801 --> 00:05:24,734
See this? You see this?
119
00:05:24,734 --> 00:05:28,701
You know that the day that Edgar J.
Hoover went West, poor man,
120
00:05:28,701 --> 00:05:32,033
I knew we were gonna have a
rash of this criminology.
121
00:05:33,234 --> 00:05:34,934
I'd better go out to the safe,
122
00:05:34,934 --> 00:05:36,067
check the weekend take.
123
00:05:36,067 --> 00:05:38,267
Yeah, do that, will ya?
124
00:05:38,267 --> 00:05:40,901
And look good this time, will ya?
125
00:05:40,901 --> 00:05:43,868
Yeah, want to buy my glasses?
126
00:05:46,033 --> 00:05:49,968
Oh, Mr. Van Ranseleer, no
jokes about the blind, huh?
127
00:05:49,968 --> 00:05:53,467
They make me so sad.
128
00:05:55,534 --> 00:05:57,334
- Hi! - Hi, kid!
129
00:05:57,334 --> 00:05:59,400
- Hi! - Oh, hi there, kiddo.
130
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,234
Hey, what are you doin' here?
131
00:06:01,234 --> 00:06:03,033
I came to get my lunch.
132
00:06:03,033 --> 00:06:05,167
Your lunch? I ain't got your lunch.
133
00:06:05,167 --> 00:06:07,767
Didn't your Aunt Edith gave you
nothing before she left this morning?
134
00:06:07,767 --> 00:06:11,167
Yes, but she gave me yours,
and I think you got mine.
135
00:06:11,167 --> 00:06:14,968
Oh, well, that could be.
136
00:06:14,968 --> 00:06:17,701
Let's see what we got here.
137
00:06:17,701 --> 00:06:20,634
Oh, yeah, this looks like yours, all right.
138
00:06:20,634 --> 00:06:22,334
See what you got here.
139
00:06:22,334 --> 00:06:26,534
A chicken leg, and a hard-boiled
egg, two carrot sticks,
140
00:06:26,534 --> 00:06:30,334
an apple, and wheat germ bread.
141
00:06:31,701 --> 00:06:33,567
What a world--
142
00:06:33,567 --> 00:06:37,200
where germs are supposed
to be good for you, huh?
143
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:38,567
Junk food.
144
00:06:39,667 --> 00:06:41,501
What did she put in yours for me?
145
00:06:41,501 --> 00:06:45,200
A liverwurst and bologna
sandwich and two Twinkies.
146
00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:48,601
Ahh, that's mine all right.
147
00:06:48,601 --> 00:06:50,200
Bologna, see?
148
00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:53,167
When you eat that, you
know you ate something...
149
00:06:53,167 --> 00:06:56,133
all day long.
150
00:06:56,133 --> 00:06:58,200
Can I have a beer?
151
00:07:00,234 --> 00:07:01,934
Could you have what?
152
00:07:01,934 --> 00:07:04,701
Beer, beer, beer.
153
00:07:06,467 --> 00:07:08,467
Beer, beer, beer?
154
00:07:08,467 --> 00:07:11,334
Where'd you ever learn to
ask for things that way?
155
00:07:11,334 --> 00:07:14,801
I don't know, I must
have heard it somewhere.
156
00:07:14,801 --> 00:07:17,367
Was that a shot?
157
00:07:17,367 --> 00:07:18,434
No.
158
00:07:18,434 --> 00:07:21,434
Good.
159
00:07:21,434 --> 00:07:24,667
Listen, you steer clear of no-class people
160
00:07:24,667 --> 00:07:28,334
that yell around that way, understand me?
161
00:07:28,334 --> 00:07:29,834
You didn't even say "please."
162
00:07:29,834 --> 00:07:31,968
Please, may I have a beer?
163
00:07:31,968 --> 00:07:33,234
No!
164
00:07:34,734 --> 00:07:38,367
Hey, hey. Don't be fresh!
165
00:07:38,367 --> 00:07:41,667
You'd better hurry up back to
that dopey school you go to.
166
00:07:41,667 --> 00:07:44,567
If it's dopey, why do I have to hurry back?
167
00:07:44,567 --> 00:07:48,968
You don't know why you're going
to school, a big girl like you?
168
00:07:48,968 --> 00:07:50,467
Don't you know it's important
169
00:07:50,467 --> 00:07:53,534
that you're in that school
for five hours every day
170
00:07:53,534 --> 00:07:57,300
because society, you see...
171
00:07:57,300 --> 00:08:00,100
They don't know what else to do with you.
172
00:08:00,100 --> 00:08:03,167
Here, give me a smooch.
173
00:08:03,167 --> 00:08:05,501
Heh? Now, buzz off.
174
00:08:05,501 --> 00:08:07,934
And come back when you got high heels.
175
00:08:07,934 --> 00:08:09,200
- Bye! - Bye!
176
00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:11,000
- Bye, Steph. - Bye, Steph.
177
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:12,834
Hey, Arch, we're outta nuts.
178
00:08:12,834 --> 00:08:16,434
Oh, no, we ain't, Barney.
179
00:08:16,434 --> 00:08:18,200
Yeah, we are.
180
00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:20,734
Come on, Barney, you're here over an hour
181
00:08:20,734 --> 00:08:22,100
and you ain't bought nothing.
182
00:08:22,100 --> 00:08:23,601
Can I get you something?
183
00:08:23,601 --> 00:08:25,734
Yeah, some more nuts.
184
00:08:31,667 --> 00:08:33,367
Let me ask you.
185
00:08:33,367 --> 00:08:37,167
Don't eatin' all 'em free salty
nuts make you a little thirsty?
186
00:08:37,167 --> 00:08:40,234
Yeah. Gimme a glass of water.
187
00:08:42,167 --> 00:08:43,701
- Water, huh? - Yeah.
188
00:08:43,701 --> 00:08:46,067
Okay, Barney. That's all you want, huh?
189
00:08:46,067 --> 00:08:48,501
- That's all. - All right, Barney.
190
00:08:48,501 --> 00:08:51,334
- Anything to please a customer there.
- Thanks, Arch.
191
00:08:51,334 --> 00:08:54,601
Oh, wait a minute. Wouldn't you
like a little twist in that?
192
00:08:54,601 --> 00:08:57,033
Oh, sure! If it ain't too much trouble.
193
00:08:57,033 --> 00:09:00,067
No, no, no, Barney, no.
194
00:09:00,067 --> 00:09:01,200
No trouble at all.
195
00:09:07,868 --> 00:09:10,467
Big trouble, Arch. Three more phony tens.
196
00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:12,033
Oh, don't tell me that.
197
00:09:12,033 --> 00:09:13,534
- Phony tens? - Yes, phony tens.
198
00:09:13,534 --> 00:09:15,767
Two of them was passed on
us a little while ago.
199
00:09:15,767 --> 00:09:18,701
And now there's three more.
That's two and three--
200
00:09:18,701 --> 00:09:20,801
- Five! - Five, five...
201
00:09:20,801 --> 00:09:23,767
- Fifty! - Damn near!
202
00:09:23,767 --> 00:09:27,667
- [RINGING] - Oh, now the phone.
203
00:09:27,667 --> 00:09:28,934
Hello, Archie's Place.
204
00:09:28,934 --> 00:09:30,634
This is Archie, your host.
205
00:09:31,801 --> 00:09:35,167
Archie, this is Edith, your wife.
206
00:09:35,167 --> 00:09:38,968
Edith, please, hurry up.
What do you want, huh?
207
00:09:38,968 --> 00:09:41,667
I need you right away.
208
00:09:41,667 --> 00:09:45,167
Edith, I'm busy and
brokenhearted over here.
209
00:09:45,167 --> 00:09:46,834
I can't run home now.
210
00:09:46,834 --> 00:09:48,234
But I ain't home.
211
00:09:48,234 --> 00:09:51,834
I'm at the Elmhurst police station.
212
00:09:55,801 --> 00:09:59,133
She's at the Elmhurst police station.
213
00:09:59,133 --> 00:10:01,868
ALL: What's she doing there?
214
00:10:01,868 --> 00:10:04,767
What are you doing there?
215
00:10:04,767 --> 00:10:08,634
They are holding me for
buying you some underwear
216
00:10:08,634 --> 00:10:11,534
with a counterfeit ten-dollar bill.
217
00:10:14,801 --> 00:10:18,734
Oh, my dog... God!
218
00:10:26,467 --> 00:10:31,501
See? I was goin' through a
lot of men's underwear.
219
00:10:31,501 --> 00:10:33,801
Fruit of the Loom.
220
00:10:33,801 --> 00:10:36,133
My husband loves 'em.
221
00:10:36,133 --> 00:10:39,100
You know, the kind with--
222
00:10:39,100 --> 00:10:42,634
with the Expando-seat.
223
00:10:43,934 --> 00:10:48,567
'Cause he likes to sit roomy.
224
00:10:48,567 --> 00:10:50,934
Yeah, I know how he feels, lady, but...
225
00:10:50,934 --> 00:10:52,167
let's get on with it.
226
00:10:52,167 --> 00:10:55,467
Well, I paid for 'em with this bill.
227
00:10:55,467 --> 00:10:57,234
And where did you get this bill?
228
00:10:57,234 --> 00:10:59,167
From my purse.
229
00:10:59,167 --> 00:11:00,534
And who put it there?
230
00:11:00,534 --> 00:11:03,033
I put it there.
231
00:11:03,033 --> 00:11:06,167
Lady, where was it before you put it there.
232
00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:12,067
Ohhhh...
233
00:11:12,067 --> 00:11:14,067
Oh, in the kitchen,
234
00:11:14,067 --> 00:11:17,000
in the can where I keep my house money.
235
00:11:19,334 --> 00:11:23,167
One of them old orange pekoe cans
236
00:11:23,167 --> 00:11:26,934
that they used to put the
tea bags in before the war.
237
00:11:26,934 --> 00:11:30,334
WW II, the big one.
238
00:11:30,334 --> 00:11:34,000
Aren't you a woman with
three prior arrests?
239
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,200
Oh, no.
240
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:37,834
Just a minute here, Herb.
241
00:11:37,834 --> 00:11:40,567
Lady, what we're trying to get at here is
242
00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:42,701
who put this money in your hand
243
00:11:42,701 --> 00:11:44,667
before you put it in your tea can?
244
00:11:44,667 --> 00:11:48,000
Because whoever it was could
be guilty of a federal crime.
245
00:11:54,501 --> 00:11:58,868
I'm sorry. I ain't talkin'.
246
00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:02,000
Tick a lock.
247
00:12:04,767 --> 00:12:06,734
What is "tick a lock"?
248
00:12:09,133 --> 00:12:11,334
My kids do that.
249
00:12:11,334 --> 00:12:14,934
They take an imaginary key and
then they lock their lips.
250
00:12:14,934 --> 00:12:19,167
Yeah, and then they take
the key and swallow it,
251
00:12:19,167 --> 00:12:20,234
like this.
252
00:12:25,701 --> 00:12:27,801
Now, Mrs. Bunker, if your lips are locked,
253
00:12:27,801 --> 00:12:31,033
how did you get the key
in there to swallow it?
254
00:12:34,434 --> 00:12:35,868
Oh...
255
00:12:35,868 --> 00:12:39,234
[GIGGLES]
256
00:12:39,234 --> 00:12:40,167
Oh.
257
00:12:42,467 --> 00:12:47,667
Did you ever go under the
name of Agnes DeNunzio?
258
00:12:50,234 --> 00:12:52,267
Herb, please.
259
00:12:52,267 --> 00:12:55,534
Now, Mrs. Bunker, you're gonna
have to talk to us sometime.
260
00:12:55,534 --> 00:12:59,167
Oh, I would love to talk to y--
261
00:13:00,234 --> 00:13:02,934
Any other time but now.
262
00:13:02,934 --> 00:13:05,767
You know, we can keep you
here until you do talk.
263
00:13:07,701 --> 00:13:10,133
Oh, no, you can't.
264
00:13:10,133 --> 00:13:13,300
I know my rights.
265
00:13:13,300 --> 00:13:18,534
I learned them on Hawaii Five-O,
266
00:13:18,534 --> 00:13:20,701
the time that the thief
267
00:13:20,701 --> 00:13:22,801
was trying to smuggle some diamonds
268
00:13:22,801 --> 00:13:25,000
in a hollowed-out pineapple shell
269
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:28,267
out of Waikiki,
270
00:13:28,267 --> 00:13:30,734
and Lieutenant McGarrett
271
00:13:30,734 --> 00:13:33,167
was chasing him in a helicopter.
272
00:13:33,167 --> 00:13:36,100
And then the thief and his friends
273
00:13:36,100 --> 00:13:39,033
that was hiding in some tall sugarcane
274
00:13:39,033 --> 00:13:41,067
that was taller than them
275
00:13:41,067 --> 00:13:43,067
so the helicopter couldn't see them,
276
00:13:43,067 --> 00:13:47,133
and Lieutenant McGarrett was so mad...
277
00:13:47,133 --> 00:13:49,634
Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot.
278
00:13:49,634 --> 00:13:52,634
I ain't talking.
279
00:13:52,634 --> 00:13:56,200
Mrs. Bunker, if you withhold
information from us,
280
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:58,334
you could be charged with counterfeiting.
281
00:13:58,334 --> 00:13:59,634
Now, will you talk?
282
00:14:08,434 --> 00:14:13,000
Herb, you want to see if
you can crack this nut?
283
00:14:13,000 --> 00:14:17,501
If she's Agnes DeNunzio,
she's too smart for me.
284
00:14:21,868 --> 00:14:24,434
Why won't you let me go through here?
285
00:14:26,167 --> 00:14:28,667
Oh, youse are criminals.
286
00:14:28,667 --> 00:14:31,367
- Archie. - Oh, Edith, darling.
287
00:14:31,367 --> 00:14:33,934
What are they doin' to you?
You look terrible.
288
00:14:35,567 --> 00:14:40,000
Hey, hey, come on. Why are you
holdin' this unfortunate woman here?
289
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:44,501
Why don't you just tell me where your
wife got this counterfeit money?
290
00:14:44,501 --> 00:14:47,300
Why didn't you ask me? I give it to her.
291
00:14:47,300 --> 00:14:50,667
And then I put it in the orange pekoe can,
292
00:14:50,667 --> 00:14:52,467
and then I took it out of the can
293
00:14:52,467 --> 00:14:55,267
and I put it in my purse, and
then I took it out of my--
294
00:14:55,267 --> 00:14:56,834
All right, lady.
295
00:14:56,834 --> 00:14:58,834
We've been through all that.
296
00:14:58,834 --> 00:15:02,267
I tell you, they're a
mom-and-pop counterfeit ring.
297
00:15:02,267 --> 00:15:04,000
What?
298
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:08,234
Did you ever go under the
name of Angelo DeNunzio?
299
00:15:08,234 --> 00:15:11,267
Who the hell is Angelo DeNunzio?
300
00:15:11,267 --> 00:15:15,400
Agnes' husband, I guess.
301
00:15:17,934 --> 00:15:19,834
Do we know these people?
302
00:15:21,801 --> 00:15:23,767
Maybe they're the people
303
00:15:23,767 --> 00:15:25,934
that live at the end of the block
304
00:15:25,934 --> 00:15:28,334
that nobody ever sees.
305
00:15:31,667 --> 00:15:34,467
This is a pretty crafty pair.
306
00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:37,434
I think she's the brains.
307
00:15:38,534 --> 00:15:40,901
Oh, come on, officers, huh?
308
00:15:40,901 --> 00:15:43,133
Let me straighten this thing out.
309
00:15:45,234 --> 00:15:48,033
Listen to me, my name is Archie Bunker.
310
00:15:48,033 --> 00:15:50,601
I own a bar and grill
over there in Astoria.
311
00:15:50,601 --> 00:15:54,667
Here, I got full proved
"indentification" here.
312
00:15:54,667 --> 00:15:57,701
Here, New York State driver's license
313
00:15:57,701 --> 00:16:00,133
made out in the name of Archie Bunker.
314
00:16:00,133 --> 00:16:03,300
Here, local Teamsters card
from when I was driving a cab
315
00:16:03,300 --> 00:16:05,734
made out in the name of Archie Bunker.
316
00:16:05,734 --> 00:16:07,634
Here, Queens County library card,
317
00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:10,901
made out in the name of...
318
00:16:10,901 --> 00:16:12,634
Quentin Maldonado.
319
00:16:12,634 --> 00:16:15,434
I don't know where the hell I got that.
320
00:16:15,434 --> 00:16:16,934
All right.
321
00:16:16,934 --> 00:16:18,801
Let's wrap this thing up for today.
322
00:16:18,801 --> 00:16:21,267
Now, look, Mr. Bunker, if what
you're telling us is true,
323
00:16:21,267 --> 00:16:23,801
this customer of yours is gonna
try and pass more of these,
324
00:16:23,801 --> 00:16:26,133
so you can help us by keeping an eye out.
325
00:16:26,133 --> 00:16:29,801
Oh, hey, listen, Officer, I give
you 100% cooperation in that.
326
00:16:29,801 --> 00:16:31,934
Can I take my wife home now?
327
00:16:31,934 --> 00:16:35,367
Yes, please.
328
00:16:35,367 --> 00:16:38,601
Here. I'll just get my things here. Yeah.
329
00:16:38,601 --> 00:16:39,601
Aah...
330
00:16:39,601 --> 00:16:41,901
Oh, yeah, you need that.
331
00:16:41,901 --> 00:16:43,934
All right, Edith, come on, let's go.
332
00:16:43,934 --> 00:16:45,868
- Bye. - Here's your coat, sweetheart.
333
00:16:45,868 --> 00:16:47,267
Put it on, huh?
334
00:16:47,267 --> 00:16:48,767
Come on, will you run, Edith?
335
00:16:48,767 --> 00:16:50,501
Why do we have to run?
336
00:16:50,501 --> 00:16:53,100
'Cause there's three things
in this world I hate--
337
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:56,767
police stations, opera,
and cold terlet seats.
338
00:17:02,667 --> 00:17:05,234
Hey, hurry up there, will ya?
339
00:17:05,234 --> 00:17:08,934
We got 15 minutes before
the bank closes there.
340
00:17:08,934 --> 00:17:12,167
Oh, geez, no!
341
00:17:12,167 --> 00:17:14,100
What--what--what? Oh, don't tell me--
342
00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:16,033
- Another phony ten. - Oh, geez.
343
00:17:16,033 --> 00:17:17,367
That makes six.
344
00:17:17,367 --> 00:17:20,601
No, no, I give one to Edith,
this here makes seven.
345
00:17:20,601 --> 00:17:22,234
Oh, that's great.
346
00:17:22,234 --> 00:17:23,934
What's great?
347
00:17:23,934 --> 00:17:25,834
Seven's a lucky number.
348
00:17:28,067 --> 00:17:30,033
He's a moron.
349
00:17:30,033 --> 00:17:33,367
He's a deluxe moron.
350
00:17:33,367 --> 00:17:35,367
[SIGHS] That makes three of us.
351
00:17:35,367 --> 00:17:37,801
We ain't so smart either, gettin'
stuck with these phony bills.
352
00:17:37,801 --> 00:17:39,100
Just a minute.
353
00:17:39,100 --> 00:17:41,501
I checked the cash about an hour ago.
354
00:17:41,501 --> 00:17:43,634
We didn't have no tens in there.
355
00:17:43,634 --> 00:17:46,701
No. Nobody left his joint in the past hour.
356
00:17:46,701 --> 00:17:50,234
So that means that the guilty
party must still be here
357
00:17:50,234 --> 00:17:51,934
amongst the midst of us.
358
00:17:51,934 --> 00:17:54,734
I'm gonna find him.
359
00:17:54,734 --> 00:17:57,100
Hi, Mr. Van Ranseleer.
360
00:17:57,100 --> 00:18:02,634
Okay, the first thing we do is this here.
361
00:18:02,634 --> 00:18:04,801
Okay, give me your attention, everybody.
362
00:18:04,801 --> 00:18:06,701
Eyes this way here.
363
00:18:06,701 --> 00:18:09,434
Now, I guess you noticed I just
locked the door over there.
364
00:18:09,434 --> 00:18:11,267
ALL: Yeah.
365
00:18:11,267 --> 00:18:15,567
That's because one of youse here
has been passing us phony tens.
366
00:18:15,567 --> 00:18:18,701
And therefore, ipso "fatso,"
367
00:18:18,701 --> 00:18:21,033
one of youse is a dirty thief.
368
00:18:22,534 --> 00:18:27,534
Oh, well, now, does
anybody care to confess?
369
00:18:31,267 --> 00:18:34,033
Anybody care to squeal on a friend?
370
00:18:36,634 --> 00:18:39,934
Well, come on, folks,
unless somebody sings here,
371
00:18:39,934 --> 00:18:42,000
we're all gonna be here
372
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:45,667
until the swallows come
back to "Crapistano."
373
00:18:49,534 --> 00:18:52,267
Jeez, I wish I had a rubber hose.
374
00:18:52,267 --> 00:18:57,834
Hey, hey, hey, it's a crime
to impersonate a policeman.
375
00:18:57,834 --> 00:19:01,734
Wait, wait a minute. I'll get to
the bottom of this thing here.
376
00:19:01,734 --> 00:19:05,467
Now, in the last hour, who give you a ten?
377
00:19:05,467 --> 00:19:08,200
- I don't remember. - You don't remember.
378
00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:11,601
If you don't remember, how
are we gonna crack the case?
379
00:19:11,601 --> 00:19:14,367
Arch, I can crack the case for you.
380
00:19:14,367 --> 00:19:15,434
How?
381
00:19:15,434 --> 00:19:17,767
'Cause I heard everything.
382
00:19:17,767 --> 00:19:19,834
Barney paid with silver,
383
00:19:19,834 --> 00:19:21,267
Hank's on the arm,
384
00:19:21,267 --> 00:19:23,667
all the other guys paid with small bills.
385
00:19:23,667 --> 00:19:27,601
There was only one person got
change for a ten-dollar bill.
386
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:30,300
- Who?! - Who? you gotta ask who?
387
00:19:30,300 --> 00:19:34,467
You dope, ya, you count the change for
a ten and you don't remember who?
388
00:19:34,467 --> 00:19:35,701
No.
389
00:19:35,701 --> 00:19:38,501
That's because you counted it out, Arch.
390
00:19:38,501 --> 00:19:42,634
You! You're the dope!
391
00:19:44,167 --> 00:19:47,100
Hey, that ain't important now.
392
00:19:47,100 --> 00:19:51,534
The important thing is who give me the ten.
393
00:19:51,534 --> 00:19:53,834
Who done that, Mr. Van R.?
394
00:19:53,834 --> 00:19:58,133
A gentleman who was kind
enough to buy me a drink.
395
00:19:58,133 --> 00:19:59,901
Happy holidays, Santy Claus.
396
00:20:03,868 --> 00:20:05,968
Oh, come on. I don't believe it.
397
00:20:05,968 --> 00:20:08,033
Santy Claus a thief?
398
00:20:08,033 --> 00:20:13,167
There goes my last childhood delusion.
399
00:20:13,167 --> 00:20:16,434
Okay, okay. But I didn't print those bills.
400
00:20:16,434 --> 00:20:18,667
Some crook passed them on to me.
401
00:20:18,667 --> 00:20:21,234
- Who? - My Uncle Harold.
402
00:20:21,234 --> 00:20:24,868
When he died two years ago, he
left me his entire fortune,
403
00:20:24,868 --> 00:20:27,100
ten phony tens.
404
00:20:27,100 --> 00:20:32,968
Your Uncle Harold bequeathed
you ten phony tens?
405
00:20:32,968 --> 00:20:34,234
How come?
406
00:20:34,234 --> 00:20:38,133
I was his favorite nephew.
407
00:20:38,133 --> 00:20:40,267
What's the world coming to?
408
00:20:40,267 --> 00:20:42,634
Santy Claus, a counterfeiter.
409
00:20:42,634 --> 00:20:43,968
Now, wait a minute.
410
00:20:43,968 --> 00:20:46,701
I didn't pass a single
phony until last week.
411
00:20:46,701 --> 00:20:48,801
I lost my job two years ago.
412
00:20:48,801 --> 00:20:51,334
I run through my unemployment insurance,
413
00:20:51,334 --> 00:20:52,667
used up my life savings--
414
00:20:52,667 --> 00:20:55,367
But I'll pay ya back right after I get
415
00:20:55,367 --> 00:20:56,934
my Santy Claus salary, honest.
416
00:20:56,934 --> 00:21:00,868
You could sing that if
somebody put it to music.
417
00:21:00,868 --> 00:21:02,501
Come on, you guys.
418
00:21:02,501 --> 00:21:05,734
Look, we can't blow the
whistle on Santy Claus.
419
00:21:05,734 --> 00:21:07,334
You're looking at Santy Claus,
420
00:21:07,334 --> 00:21:10,934
but we're looking at a guy
that beat us out of 70 bucks.
421
00:21:10,934 --> 00:21:12,467
I'm gonna call the cops.
422
00:21:12,467 --> 00:21:13,934
Harry, wait a minute.
423
00:21:13,934 --> 00:21:16,567
No, no, no, don't call
the-- Hang up the phone.
424
00:21:16,567 --> 00:21:18,434
- No! - Hang up the phone!
425
00:21:18,434 --> 00:21:19,634
Ohh!
426
00:21:22,033 --> 00:21:25,567
You mashed that finger, you dope, you!
427
00:21:27,133 --> 00:21:29,834
Barney's right.
428
00:21:29,834 --> 00:21:32,133
Yes, the man said he's sorry.
429
00:21:32,133 --> 00:21:36,033
And he admits the error of his ways.
You're right, Barney.
430
00:21:36,033 --> 00:21:37,868
You made the right decision, Arch.
431
00:21:37,868 --> 00:21:40,033
Yeah, yeah-- Aah, Barney.
432
00:21:42,367 --> 00:21:44,968
Get away from me.
433
00:21:44,968 --> 00:21:47,434
Yes, you all heard this man.
434
00:21:47,434 --> 00:21:50,701
He said he ain't gonna do it no more.
435
00:21:50,701 --> 00:21:54,701
He says he's gonna make
full "destitution" to us.
436
00:21:54,701 --> 00:21:58,601
And I just think that we,
in a true Christian spirit,
437
00:21:58,601 --> 00:22:02,100
here in this holy season of Christmas--
438
00:22:02,100 --> 00:22:04,667
Pay attention to this.
439
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:09,534
I think that we oughta let the poor man go.
440
00:22:09,534 --> 00:22:13,033
Arch, he broke the law and
we gotta turn him in!
441
00:22:13,033 --> 00:22:14,601
Oh, no. No, no.
442
00:22:14,601 --> 00:22:16,734
That ain't my style, Harry, you know?
443
00:22:16,734 --> 00:22:21,267
I like to think that I got
a little heart left here.
444
00:22:21,267 --> 00:22:24,634
No, I'm gonna let you go.
445
00:22:24,634 --> 00:22:28,834
I'm gonna see you to the
door myself, old geezer.
446
00:22:28,834 --> 00:22:30,167
Get your pot.
447
00:22:32,467 --> 00:22:33,601
Come here.
448
00:22:33,601 --> 00:22:36,501
You know, Harry, geez.
449
00:22:36,501 --> 00:22:41,667
Sometimes I'm ashamed that
I got a partner like you.
450
00:22:41,667 --> 00:22:44,901
Now, go ahead, my good man.
451
00:22:44,901 --> 00:22:48,067
Step across that threshold to freedom.
452
00:22:48,067 --> 00:22:49,601
I can't.
453
00:22:49,601 --> 00:22:52,734
Oh, in heaven's name, why not?
454
00:22:52,734 --> 00:22:55,267
The door's locked.
455
00:22:55,267 --> 00:22:57,968
Oh, yeah, that. Yeah, well.
456
00:22:57,968 --> 00:23:00,667
Here, I'll open it for you now.
457
00:23:00,667 --> 00:23:02,901
There you go.
458
00:23:02,901 --> 00:23:06,868
Okay, on your way. Oh, hold it, hold it.
459
00:23:06,868 --> 00:23:09,767
Hey, look at this, you don't
need no more of this queer.
460
00:23:09,767 --> 00:23:11,901
You know what I mean? Okay?
461
00:23:11,901 --> 00:23:14,300
Merry Christmas, pal.
462
00:23:14,300 --> 00:23:15,567
- Merry Christmas. - Oh.
463
00:23:15,567 --> 00:23:18,534
Remember what I told you, Arch.
464
00:23:18,534 --> 00:23:20,334
Oh, yeah, I know, you're
gonna make it up to us.
465
00:23:20,334 --> 00:23:22,200
Well, don't think nothing about it.
466
00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:23,901
But don't forget it, neither.
467
00:23:23,901 --> 00:23:26,934
There'll be something in your
stocking this Christmas.
468
00:23:26,934 --> 00:23:28,067
Yeah, okay, yeah--
469
00:23:28,067 --> 00:23:30,667
You can even ring your bell if you want.
470
00:23:30,667 --> 00:23:34,067
Good King what's-his-name, stepped out
471
00:23:34,067 --> 00:23:37,534
Like a decent reason
472
00:23:37,534 --> 00:23:40,567
Arch, I gotta admit.
473
00:23:40,567 --> 00:23:43,667
You was right to let the old guy go.
474
00:23:43,667 --> 00:23:48,400
I feel good about this,
being Christmas and all.
475
00:23:48,400 --> 00:23:52,000
I'm glad you've done the right thing.
476
00:23:52,000 --> 00:23:54,467
Yeah, I hope I've done the right thing.
477
00:23:54,467 --> 00:23:56,267
What do you mean?
478
00:23:56,267 --> 00:24:00,467
I just seen old Santy drive
away in a '79 Cadillac.
479
00:24:22,067 --> 00:24:23,634
[
]
480
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:42,968
All in the Family was
played to a studio audience
481
00:24:42,968 --> 00:24:45,200
for live responses.
482
00:24:45,250 --> 00:24:49,800
Repair and Synchronization by
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