Original subtitles

Boy, the way Glenn Miller played

Songs that made the hit parade

Guys like us, we had it made

Those were the days

And you knew where you were then

Girls were girls, and men were men

Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again

Didn't need no welfare state

Everybody pulled his weight

Gee, our old LaSalle ran great

Those were the days

[HUMMING]

[MUMBLING]

Now, I'll just give this baby a little trial run here.

There.

Now...

[FLATULENCE SOUND]

Perfect.

Music to my ears.

Hey, Edith, hurry up, will ya?

The guys'll be coming for me.

I'm coming. Here you are.

Oh, great. Put that on me now.

And now we'll get going here.

Would you look at this?

The cleaners must've shrunk that.

Oh, the cleaners didn't shrink nothing.

You ought to shrink this.

I put the blame on you.

Everything you cook makes me fat!

I don't cook beer.

Stay off my case, will ya?

Archie, I don't see why they have to have

more than one big convention in a whole year.

Edith, if--

If I told you once, I told you a million times.

This ain't the big convention.

This is a caucus.

Can't you remember caucus, there?

This is the idea of our own little post, here.

We hold these, what do you call,

Do you know there's a major threat in this world today?

Your friend Jimmy Carter is trying to make peace with the Russians.

Yeah.

And these decisions that we say at this here caucus,

they are passed right up the line

to your National Steering Committee there,

and could very well have an effect

upon the entire course of our whole national defense.

Oh!

Oh.

Well, here's your plastic doggie doo-doo.

I'm glad you found that.

Pack that right next to my whoopee cushion there.

Then goes this.

Oh, by the way, did you get the batteries

that I told you from Ferguson's?

Here they are.

All right, slip them right in here.

I didn't know you wanted 'em for this thing.

This ain't a thing, Edith.

This is a gooser.

To me, it's a thing.

It ain't a thing.

You can't go up behind somebody and thing him, huh?

You go up behind somebody and you goose him!

[BUZZING]

- Aah! - Ha ha ha.

[HORN HONKING OUTSIDE]

There they are.

Okay, guys. Coming there!

Here, here, pack that.

Synchronize your watches, fellas!

Archie, please promise me that you won't drink a lot.

Oh, please, Edith.

Remember your blood pressure.

Let me tell you something, will ya?

Booze ain't got nothing to do with blood pressure.

- Oh... - It's the truth!

It's the heart that controls that.

The booze you drink goes right down your pipes.

It goes right past your heart.

It goes down to the infilterationducts of your liver,

and it passes outta you through your lowestintestubes.

Uh...

[HORN HONKING OUTSIDE]

Okay, guys, coming on the double.

Grab the bag, huh, Edith, huh?

Archie, please, stay out of trouble.

Oh, don't be--

And don't take no salt,

and leave off the animal fats.

Now that has an effect on the blood pressure.

That's right. Animal fats.

No, useless talk.

Now, you wanna shake hands good-bye with me?

Oh, no. I know what you've got in your hand.

You're too smart for me, huh, Edith?

[HORN HONKS]

Okay, guys! Yeah, go ahead.

- [BUZZING] - Aah!

Archie, stop that!

When the Fuhrer says

"We is the master race"

We heil [RASPBERRY] and heil [RASPBERRY]

Right in the Fuhrer's face

Oh, good-bye.

Over hill, over dale

We'll hit the dusty trail

And those caissons go rolling along

Have a good time.

[MEN SHOUTING]

[SNORING]

[OFF KEY] ...In the morning sun

And when the light is new

I'll be looking at the moon

Da da da dee

But I'll be seeing

You

Beautiful. Beautiful.

Yeah.

You know, they don't write 'em like that no more.

That's 'cause everybody's dead now.

Yeah.

- [SNORING] - Hey, fellas...

Look at old party pooper Pete here.

Ha ha! Didn't he pass out too soon?

I don't know. How many drinks has he had?

30.

Hey, I'll wake him up.

I got just the thing

to wake old party pooper Pete right up.

Come on, let the poor guy alone.

He's probably suffering from jet lag.

What kind of jet lag? He came by Greyhound.

Then he's suffering fromdoglag.

[GUFFAWING]

Look what I got to wake him up with, huh?

Save it, save it. I got something better.

What are you gonna do?

What are you gonna do, Pink?

An oldie but a goodie.

ARCHIE: Uh-oh.

Shh, shh, shh.

Easy, easy.

Fire, fire! There's a fire!

[ALL LAUGHING]

What a great gag.

Funny, huh? He really hurt him.

But what am I gonna do with my water bomb, Pink?

Use it on the innocent civilians!

On the innocent civilians?

Okay, bomb bay doors open.

Open up the bomb bay doors

Okay, get the bomb site there, bombardier.

- One second. - Okay.

All right, aim it down there.

Give me 5 degrees to the left there.

Okay, we're over target, Captain.

BARNEY: Start the countdown.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

[ALL WHISTLING]

Right on target!

Get away from the window!

Hey, what time is it?

Who the hell cares?

Shouldn't we be downstairs

listening to that featured military speaker?

Hey, we're wasting drinking time.

How about a shooter, Arch?

Yeah, gimme a shooter.

Another little taste for Arch.

Hey, Wally--Wally, nix on the booze for His Nibs here.

He knows how to sell it, but he don't know how to drink it.

Come on, Barney, clam up, will you, huh?

I'm just about to propose a toast here.

- Oh, toast. - A toast.

A toast.

To WWII, the best war we ever had... so far.

BOTH: WWII.

There'll be bluebirds

ALL: Over the White Cliffs of Dover

Tomorrow

When the world is free

My God, that was smooth.

Come on, Arch, don't you think you've had enough?

Hey, listen, I know when I had enough.

Well, I think you've had enough.

You had a couple on the plane.

Oh, well, listen to her.

Hey, if she says I had enough, then I had enough.

Because, hey, them people know a drunk when they see one.

I meant stewardesses, you know.

You're a stewardess.

I know what you meant.

Hey, little girl, did Pinky bring you to the party?

No, uh, Wally is my date.

That's right.

- Wally is your date? - Yeah.

Oh, look at Wally, the big family man,

he's dating all the young girls.

I invited everybody here.

Hey, I got him blushing.

Hey, fellas, I got Wally blushing over here.

But you ain't blushing, huh, little girl?

Sure. Can't you tell?

No. I mean--

You know, some people, you can't--

It's easiest--

Excuse me.

- I didn't say that right. - No, you talk too much.

I didn't mean nothing--

Why don't you sit and be quiet?

But go over and tell her I didn't mean nothing by that.

All right. All right.

[FLATULENCE SOUND]

Come on, you guys, you know?

After once or twice, a thing like this gets vulgarious.

I, uh--I wanna apologize

for what that creep said.

- Who? - Archie.

Why do you call him a creep? I thought he was your friend.

He is.

I have several friends who are creeps.

Archie and I have been pulling jokes on each other for years.

On the plane today,

he put that whoopee cushion under my seat.

Oh, is that what that was?

Boy, would I like to get even with him.

Hey...

You wanna pull a joke on him with me?

No, no, no.

Oh, come on! It'll be fun.

[CHUCKLES]

What do I have to do?

Whe-whe-whe-- [LAUGHS]

When you hear this, you're gonna fall apart.

Come on.

Oh, the hell with your father.

[MUTTERS]

Ah.

Uh.

Ah...

[WHISPERING] I'm nuts about you, Archie Bunker.

I'm nuts about you, Alice Faye.

This year's crop of kisses

Don't seem the same

Soon...

[SNORES]

No.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, how--how did you get here?

You brought me here.

When? Shh!

When?

Last night.

Last night?

What are you doing here?

Right now? Nothing.

Wait a minute, wait, wait a m--

Wait a minute.

Now, I don't remember nothing.

Too bad.

It was beautiful.

Now hold it, hold it . No, don't hold nothing!

I gotta get outta here.

No, no, please. Please.

- I gotta go! - Do you want me to cry?

[CRYING]

Don't cry! Don't cry! Don't cry!

Hey, don't make no noise at all, for God sakes!

I'm a happy married man, you know.

Hey, I don't fool around.

I know. You got right to it.

Now, you shouldn't have let me.

Who could've stopped you... tiger?

Be my love

Oh, don't sing!

For no one else can end this yearning

Shh. Don't sing, don't sing.

Please cut, cut.

Oh, Lord.

Why do dames who go for me always sing bad?

All I want is you

No, no, no, no.

For me

God, we'll get arrested here.

Hey, young lady...

Do you know I'm old enough to be your father?

I love old men.

You do?

You better believe it... tiger!

Oh, well... [MUMBLING]

I--I--I can't let-- I can't--

Oh, what the hell.

[MUMBLING]

What am I saying?

I gotta go, I gotta get out of here.

This ain't right. This ain't right.

This here-- This is--this is--

This is wrong.

You know what this is?

This here ismadness.

I mean, whatever went on here, you know,

that's it!

We--we gotta think of each other as...

like... we call ships that clash in the night.

Oh, don't cry. Hey, don't cry.

Hey. Hey, don't cry, little girl.

Listen to me, I blame myself for this here thing.

See?

You're only a young girl.

I'm an experienced man of the world.

I took advantage of you here.

I shouldn't oughta did that.

And I'm sorry for that.

Now, if I give you some beautiful memories last night...

which I can't myself remember...

you gotta forget that.

Forget that.

Well, no, you could hang on to them.

But you gotta try and forget me.

You know, I'm married, I got a wife.

I've been married to for 30 years.

She says 29.

And she's got memories, too.

What you're looking at here, see,

is kind of an old-fashioned guy

who really believes in thesanctitity of marriage.

Okay?

Archie, I'm gonna have to level with you.

I can't keep doing this.

Me neither.

No, no, I mean--

Pinky put me up to this.

This--this here is one of Pinky's gags?

Yeah.

So nothing happened here last night, huh?

Oh, well..

Disappointed?

Well, no, no, no,

'cause, I wouldn't have remembered it anyhow.

Oh, but that Pinky Peterson.

I'm gonna get even with him.

Someway, someday...

Someday?

What about now?

Can you hear anything, Pink?

It's quiet now.

I'd give a million to be a bed bug

between them sheets.

Yeah.

You pulled some doozies in your time, Pink,

but this is your crowning glory.

This even tops the gag you pulled at the beer bust

when you sewed up Hank's zipper.

You remember that, Hank?

That wasn't so funny.

Yeah, that was good, but this is my masterpiece.

Oh! Shh! Shh!

[LAUGHING] How did Archie take it?

Yeah. What's happening in there?

Archie's dead.

- He's dead? - He can't be dead.

What are you talkin about?

Well, he woke up, took one look at me,

clutched his heart and closed his eyes.

Maybe he just fainted.

No, no, no.

He's not breathing, and he has no pulse.

- I don't believe it. - Are you sure?

Believe me, I know a dead person when I see one.

Dead? Archie?

He--he was so full of life.

Oh, my God, this is awful.

It was just a joke.

A joke?

Well, I didn't mean any harm.

I love Archie, you guys know that.

You better figure out what you're gonna do abouthim.

But whatever it is, leave me out of it!

[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]

- Wally-- - Nah!

- Hank, listen-- - Come on.

Barney, you gotta help me.

Hey, hey, I don't wanna see him.

I don't wanna see him.

I don't wanna see him.

How does he look?

Terrible.

Well, he never was no Paul Newman.

WHISPERING: He's not dead.

Huh?

WHISPERING: He's not dead.

WHISPERING: He's not dead?

Why, you--

You gotta help me, Barney.

What do you mean?

I'll be blamed for this.

I didn't know he had a bum ticker.

We gotta make it look like an accident.

An accident in bed?

What floor are we on?

Uh, 14.

We'll throw him out the window.

Come on.

How are we gonna do that to poor Arch?

Easy.

You take his head, I'll take his legs.

We'll tell 'em he was throwing a water bag out the window

and forgot to let go.

Come on, we can't do that to poor Arch.

Why not? Dead is dead.

But Marabel's a witness.

I thought of that. We'll throw her out, too.

Think what this is gonna do to poor Edith.

Iamthinking of Edith.

If it's an accident, she'll collect double indemnity.

She'll be set for the rest of her life.

Yeah.

As far as Edith is concerned,

this whole thing is a stroke of luck.

- You buy it? - Okay.

What the hell do you mean "okay"?

[ALL SHOUTING]

Archie, you're alive!

I'm home, Edith.

Oh, Archie!

- Oh. - Oh.

Oh, how was the convention?

Caucus, Edith. The caucus.

The caucus.

Yeah, I was bored to death.

Oh...

Uh, well, almost to death.

You know me.

I don't like to be away from home.

I never liked to sleep alone.

I'll bet you wasn't alone.

Huh?

What do you mean by that?

Well, you always dream about Alice Faye.

Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah.

But no more of these caucuses for me, Edith, you know?

A bunch of grown, middle-aged men

acting like children.

I ain't never gonna do that no more.

I'm so glad to be home.

Oh, and I'm so glad you're home.

- Ah... - [BUZZING]

Aah!

[LAUGHING]

Stop!

[SHOUTING CONTINUES]

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