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1
00:00:01,667 --> 00:00:05,133
Boy, the way Glenn Miller played
2
00:00:05,133 --> 00:00:08,634
Songs that made the hit parade
3
00:00:08,634 --> 00:00:11,734
Guys like us, we had it made
4
00:00:11,734 --> 00:00:14,734
Those were the days
5
00:00:14,734 --> 00:00:18,801
And you knew where you were then
6
00:00:18,801 --> 00:00:22,067
Girls were girls, and men were men
7
00:00:22,067 --> 00:00:27,000
Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again
8
00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:30,567
Didn't need no welfare state
9
00:00:30,567 --> 00:00:33,934
Everybody pulled his weight
10
00:00:33,934 --> 00:00:38,534
Gee, our old LaSalle ran great
11
00:00:38,534 --> 00:00:44,501
Those were the days
12
00:00:46,968 --> 00:00:49,000
[HUMMING]
13
00:00:51,834 --> 00:00:55,334
[MUMBLING]
14
00:00:55,334 --> 00:00:59,100
Now, I'll just give this baby
a little trial run here.
15
00:01:00,734 --> 00:01:02,501
There.
16
00:01:02,501 --> 00:01:04,767
Now...
17
00:01:04,767 --> 00:01:07,100
[FLATULENCE SOUND]
18
00:01:15,367 --> 00:01:17,467
Perfect.
19
00:01:17,467 --> 00:01:20,467
Music to my ears.
20
00:01:20,467 --> 00:01:22,334
Hey, Edith, hurry up, will ya?
21
00:01:22,334 --> 00:01:23,667
The guys'll be coming for me.
22
00:01:23,667 --> 00:01:26,067
I'm coming. Here you are.
23
00:01:26,067 --> 00:01:28,601
Oh, great. Put that on me now.
24
00:01:28,601 --> 00:01:30,501
And now we'll get going here.
25
00:01:30,501 --> 00:01:31,901
Would you look at this?
26
00:01:31,901 --> 00:01:33,834
The cleaners must've shrunk that.
27
00:01:33,834 --> 00:01:37,534
Oh, the cleaners didn't shrink nothing.
28
00:01:37,534 --> 00:01:39,934
You ought to shrink this.
29
00:01:39,934 --> 00:01:42,200
I put the blame on you.
30
00:01:42,200 --> 00:01:46,300
Everything you cook makes me fat!
31
00:01:46,300 --> 00:01:50,634
I don't cook beer.
32
00:01:50,634 --> 00:01:53,734
Stay off my case, will ya?
33
00:01:53,734 --> 00:01:58,200
Archie, I don't see why they have to have
34
00:01:58,200 --> 00:02:02,567
more than one big
convention in a whole year.
35
00:02:02,567 --> 00:02:04,300
Edith, if--
36
00:02:04,300 --> 00:02:07,300
If I told you once, I
told you a million times.
37
00:02:07,300 --> 00:02:09,234
This ain't the big convention.
38
00:02:09,234 --> 00:02:10,767
This is a caucus.
39
00:02:10,767 --> 00:02:13,467
Can't you remember caucus, there?
40
00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:16,567
This is the idea of our
own little post, here.
41
00:02:16,567 --> 00:02:18,167
We hold these, what do you call,
42
00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:29,567
Do you know there's a major
threat in this world today?
43
00:02:29,567 --> 00:02:34,501
Your friend Jimmy Carter is trying
to make peace with the Russians.
44
00:02:34,501 --> 00:02:37,000
Yeah.
45
00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,767
And these decisions that we
say at this here caucus,
46
00:02:39,767 --> 00:02:41,767
they are passed right up the line
47
00:02:41,767 --> 00:02:43,868
to your National Steering Committee there,
48
00:02:43,868 --> 00:02:46,567
and could very well have an effect
49
00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:52,334
upon the entire course of
our whole national defense.
50
00:02:52,334 --> 00:02:55,133
Oh!
51
00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:56,801
Oh.
52
00:02:56,801 --> 00:03:01,334
Well, here's your plastic doggie doo-doo.
53
00:03:01,334 --> 00:03:03,634
I'm glad you found that.
54
00:03:03,634 --> 00:03:06,767
Pack that right next to
my whoopee cushion there.
55
00:03:06,767 --> 00:03:07,934
Then goes this.
56
00:03:07,934 --> 00:03:10,200
Oh, by the way, did you get the batteries
57
00:03:10,200 --> 00:03:11,767
that I told you from Ferguson's?
58
00:03:11,767 --> 00:03:12,834
Here they are.
59
00:03:12,834 --> 00:03:14,434
All right, slip them right in here.
60
00:03:14,434 --> 00:03:17,834
I didn't know you wanted
'em for this thing.
61
00:03:17,834 --> 00:03:20,200
This ain't a thing, Edith.
62
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:23,000
This is a gooser.
63
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:26,300
To me, it's a thing.
64
00:03:26,300 --> 00:03:27,968
It ain't a thing.
65
00:03:27,968 --> 00:03:31,868
You can't go up behind
somebody and thing him, huh?
66
00:03:31,868 --> 00:03:34,467
You go up behind somebody
and you goose him!
67
00:03:34,467 --> 00:03:35,467
[BUZZING]
68
00:03:35,467 --> 00:03:37,234
- Aah! - Ha ha ha.
69
00:03:37,234 --> 00:03:39,100
[HORN HONKING OUTSIDE]
70
00:03:39,100 --> 00:03:40,200
There they are.
71
00:03:40,200 --> 00:03:41,801
Okay, guys. Coming there!
72
00:03:41,801 --> 00:03:43,200
Here, here, pack that.
73
00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:45,734
Synchronize your watches, fellas!
74
00:03:45,734 --> 00:03:49,734
Archie, please promise me
that you won't drink a lot.
75
00:03:49,734 --> 00:03:51,434
Oh, please, Edith.
76
00:03:51,434 --> 00:03:53,267
Remember your blood pressure.
77
00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:55,033
Let me tell you something, will ya?
78
00:03:55,033 --> 00:03:57,667
Booze ain't got nothing to
do with blood pressure.
79
00:03:57,667 --> 00:04:00,133
- Oh... - It's the truth!
80
00:04:00,133 --> 00:04:02,300
It's the heart that controls that.
81
00:04:02,300 --> 00:04:04,567
The booze you drink goes
right down your pipes.
82
00:04:04,567 --> 00:04:06,801
It goes right past your heart.
83
00:04:06,801 --> 00:04:10,133
It goes down to the
infilterationducts of your liver,
84
00:04:10,133 --> 00:04:13,334
and it passes outta you through
your lowestintestubes.
85
00:04:15,100 --> 00:04:16,100
Uh...
86
00:04:16,100 --> 00:04:17,100
[HORN HONKING OUTSIDE]
87
00:04:17,100 --> 00:04:19,901
Okay, guys, coming on the double.
88
00:04:19,901 --> 00:04:21,934
Grab the bag, huh, Edith, huh?
89
00:04:21,934 --> 00:04:25,267
Archie, please, stay out of trouble.
90
00:04:25,267 --> 00:04:26,801
Oh, don't be--
91
00:04:26,801 --> 00:04:28,868
And don't take no salt,
92
00:04:28,868 --> 00:04:31,701
and leave off the animal fats.
93
00:04:31,701 --> 00:04:34,267
Now that has an effect
on the blood pressure.
94
00:04:34,267 --> 00:04:36,601
That's right. Animal fats.
95
00:04:36,601 --> 00:04:40,434
No, useless talk.
96
00:04:40,434 --> 00:04:43,834
Now, you wanna shake
hands good-bye with me?
97
00:04:43,834 --> 00:04:47,501
Oh, no. I know what
you've got in your hand.
98
00:04:47,501 --> 00:04:48,868
You're too smart for me, huh, Edith?
99
00:04:48,868 --> 00:04:49,968
[HORN HONKS]
100
00:04:49,968 --> 00:04:51,667
Okay, guys! Yeah, go ahead.
101
00:04:51,667 --> 00:04:52,968
- [BUZZING] - Aah!
102
00:04:52,968 --> 00:04:55,000
Archie, stop that!
103
00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:56,701
When the Fuhrer says
104
00:04:56,701 --> 00:04:58,334
"We is the master race"
105
00:04:58,334 --> 00:05:00,133
We heil [RASPBERRY]
and heil [RASPBERRY]
106
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,234
Right in the Fuhrer's face
107
00:05:02,234 --> 00:05:03,400
Oh, good-bye.
108
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,067
Over hill, over dale
109
00:05:05,067 --> 00:05:07,100
We'll hit the dusty trail
110
00:05:07,100 --> 00:05:08,634
And those caissons go rolling along
111
00:05:08,634 --> 00:05:10,501
Have a good time.
112
00:05:10,501 --> 00:05:12,300
[MEN SHOUTING]
113
00:05:12,300 --> 00:05:13,801
[SNORING]
114
00:05:13,801 --> 00:05:15,834
[OFF KEY]
...In the morning sun
115
00:05:15,834 --> 00:05:25,033
And when the light is new
116
00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:29,701
I'll be looking at the moon
117
00:05:29,701 --> 00:05:32,167
Da da da dee
118
00:05:32,167 --> 00:05:36,868
But I'll be seeing
119
00:05:36,868 --> 00:05:42,734
You
120
00:05:42,734 --> 00:05:45,567
Beautiful. Beautiful.
121
00:05:45,567 --> 00:05:47,267
Yeah.
122
00:05:47,267 --> 00:05:51,033
You know, they don't write
'em like that no more.
123
00:05:51,033 --> 00:05:53,334
That's 'cause everybody's dead now.
124
00:05:53,334 --> 00:05:54,601
Yeah.
125
00:05:54,601 --> 00:05:56,467
- [SNORING] - Hey, fellas...
126
00:05:56,467 --> 00:05:58,667
Look at old party pooper Pete here.
127
00:05:58,667 --> 00:06:01,300
Ha ha! Didn't he pass out too soon?
128
00:06:01,300 --> 00:06:03,167
I don't know. How many drinks has he had?
129
00:06:03,167 --> 00:06:05,834
30.
130
00:06:05,834 --> 00:06:08,033
Hey, I'll wake him up.
131
00:06:08,033 --> 00:06:09,267
I got just the thing
132
00:06:09,267 --> 00:06:12,267
to wake old party pooper Pete right up.
133
00:06:12,267 --> 00:06:14,834
Come on, let the poor guy alone.
134
00:06:14,834 --> 00:06:17,067
He's probably suffering from jet lag.
135
00:06:17,067 --> 00:06:21,133
What kind of jet lag? He came by Greyhound.
136
00:06:21,133 --> 00:06:25,434
Then he's suffering fromdoglag.
137
00:06:25,434 --> 00:06:27,033
[GUFFAWING]
138
00:06:27,033 --> 00:06:30,300
Look what I got to wake him up with, huh?
139
00:06:30,300 --> 00:06:32,634
Save it, save it. I got something better.
140
00:06:32,634 --> 00:06:33,901
What are you gonna do?
141
00:06:33,901 --> 00:06:35,434
What are you gonna do, Pink?
142
00:06:35,434 --> 00:06:37,067
An oldie but a goodie.
143
00:06:37,067 --> 00:06:40,067
ARCHIE: Uh-oh.
144
00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:42,467
Shh, shh, shh.
145
00:06:42,467 --> 00:06:43,400
Easy, easy.
146
00:06:47,067 --> 00:06:49,534
Fire, fire! There's a fire!
147
00:06:51,200 --> 00:06:54,834
[ALL LAUGHING]
148
00:06:56,100 --> 00:06:58,467
What a great gag.
149
00:06:58,467 --> 00:07:01,701
Funny, huh? He really hurt him.
150
00:07:04,067 --> 00:07:06,501
But what am I gonna do
with my water bomb, Pink?
151
00:07:06,501 --> 00:07:08,334
Use it on the innocent civilians!
152
00:07:08,334 --> 00:07:09,767
On the innocent civilians?
153
00:07:09,767 --> 00:07:11,701
Okay, bomb bay doors open.
154
00:07:11,701 --> 00:07:14,167
Open up the bomb bay doors
155
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:16,667
Okay, get the bomb site there, bombardier.
156
00:07:16,667 --> 00:07:18,367
- One second. - Okay.
157
00:07:18,367 --> 00:07:19,734
All right, aim it down there.
158
00:07:19,734 --> 00:07:21,767
Give me 5 degrees to the left there.
159
00:07:21,767 --> 00:07:23,868
Okay, we're over target, Captain.
160
00:07:23,868 --> 00:07:25,200
BARNEY: Start the countdown.
161
00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:29,767
5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
162
00:07:29,767 --> 00:07:34,601
[ALL WHISTLING]
163
00:07:34,601 --> 00:07:36,300
Right on target!
164
00:07:36,300 --> 00:07:37,901
Get away from the window!
165
00:07:40,467 --> 00:07:42,400
Hey, what time is it?
166
00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:43,701
Who the hell cares?
167
00:07:43,701 --> 00:07:45,334
Shouldn't we be downstairs
168
00:07:45,334 --> 00:07:47,534
listening to that featured
military speaker?
169
00:07:47,534 --> 00:07:49,167
Hey, we're wasting drinking time.
170
00:07:49,167 --> 00:07:50,267
How about a shooter, Arch?
171
00:07:50,267 --> 00:07:51,434
Yeah, gimme a shooter.
172
00:07:51,434 --> 00:07:52,934
Another little taste for Arch.
173
00:07:52,934 --> 00:07:56,634
Hey, Wally--Wally, nix on the
booze for His Nibs here.
174
00:07:56,634 --> 00:07:59,067
He knows how to sell it, but
he don't know how to drink it.
175
00:07:59,067 --> 00:08:02,400
Come on, Barney, clam up, will you, huh?
176
00:08:02,400 --> 00:08:04,200
I'm just about to propose a toast here.
177
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:06,334
- Oh, toast. - A toast.
178
00:08:06,334 --> 00:08:07,601
A toast.
179
00:08:07,601 --> 00:08:13,267
To WWII, the best war we ever had...
so far.
180
00:08:13,267 --> 00:08:15,000
BOTH: WWII.
181
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:18,968
There'll be bluebirds
182
00:08:18,968 --> 00:08:27,167
ALL:
Over the White Cliffs of Dover
183
00:08:27,167 --> 00:08:29,634
Tomorrow
184
00:08:29,634 --> 00:08:35,801
When the world is free
185
00:08:37,767 --> 00:08:41,367
My God, that was smooth.
186
00:08:41,367 --> 00:08:44,033
Come on, Arch, don't you
think you've had enough?
187
00:08:44,033 --> 00:08:46,534
Hey, listen, I know when I had enough.
188
00:08:46,534 --> 00:08:48,267
Well, I think you've had enough.
189
00:08:48,267 --> 00:08:50,000
You had a couple on the plane.
190
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:52,100
Oh, well, listen to her.
191
00:08:52,100 --> 00:08:55,701
Hey, if she says I had
enough, then I had enough.
192
00:08:55,701 --> 00:08:59,901
Because, hey, them people know
a drunk when they see one.
193
00:08:59,901 --> 00:09:01,934
I meant stewardesses, you know.
194
00:09:01,934 --> 00:09:03,367
You're a stewardess.
195
00:09:03,367 --> 00:09:04,801
I know what you meant.
196
00:09:04,801 --> 00:09:07,968
Hey, little girl, did Pinky
bring you to the party?
197
00:09:07,968 --> 00:09:11,968
No, uh, Wally is my date.
198
00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:13,501
That's right.
199
00:09:13,501 --> 00:09:15,701
- Wally is your date? - Yeah.
200
00:09:15,701 --> 00:09:17,968
Oh, look at Wally, the big family man,
201
00:09:17,968 --> 00:09:19,434
he's dating all the young girls.
202
00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:21,400
I invited everybody here.
203
00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:23,601
Hey, I got him blushing.
204
00:09:23,601 --> 00:09:26,434
Hey, fellas, I got Wally
blushing over here.
205
00:09:26,434 --> 00:09:28,400
But you ain't blushing, huh, little girl?
206
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:30,534
Sure. Can't you tell?
207
00:09:30,534 --> 00:09:33,868
No. I mean--
208
00:09:33,868 --> 00:09:36,634
You know, some people, you can't--
209
00:09:36,634 --> 00:09:38,000
It's easiest--
210
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,167
Excuse me.
211
00:09:40,167 --> 00:09:42,534
- I didn't say that right.
- No, you talk too much.
212
00:09:42,534 --> 00:09:43,667
I didn't mean nothing--
213
00:09:43,667 --> 00:09:45,234
Why don't you sit and be quiet?
214
00:09:45,234 --> 00:09:47,434
But go over and tell her I
didn't mean nothing by that.
215
00:09:47,434 --> 00:09:49,334
All right. All right.
216
00:09:49,334 --> 00:09:52,300
[FLATULENCE SOUND]
217
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:54,901
Come on, you guys, you know?
218
00:09:54,901 --> 00:09:59,801
After once or twice, a thing
like this gets vulgarious.
219
00:09:59,801 --> 00:10:02,968
I, uh--I wanna apologize
220
00:10:02,968 --> 00:10:04,501
for what that creep said.
221
00:10:04,501 --> 00:10:06,534
- Who? - Archie.
222
00:10:06,534 --> 00:10:09,334
Why do you call him a creep? I
thought he was your friend.
223
00:10:09,334 --> 00:10:10,467
He is.
224
00:10:10,467 --> 00:10:13,234
I have several friends who are creeps.
225
00:10:13,234 --> 00:10:16,367
Archie and I have been pulling
jokes on each other for years.
226
00:10:16,367 --> 00:10:17,434
On the plane today,
227
00:10:17,434 --> 00:10:19,701
he put that whoopee cushion under my seat.
228
00:10:19,701 --> 00:10:25,501
Oh, is that what that was?
229
00:10:25,501 --> 00:10:29,601
Boy, would I like to get even with him.
230
00:10:29,601 --> 00:10:31,234
Hey...
231
00:10:31,234 --> 00:10:34,634
You wanna pull a joke on him with me?
232
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,334
No, no, no.
233
00:10:36,334 --> 00:10:39,734
Oh, come on! It'll be fun.
234
00:10:39,734 --> 00:10:42,634
[CHUCKLES]
235
00:10:42,634 --> 00:10:44,067
What do I have to do?
236
00:10:45,601 --> 00:10:48,801
Whe-whe-whe-- [LAUGHS]
237
00:10:48,801 --> 00:10:52,234
When you hear this,
you're gonna fall apart.
238
00:10:52,234 --> 00:10:53,968
Come on.
239
00:11:09,834 --> 00:11:13,100
Oh, the hell with your father.
240
00:11:46,834 --> 00:11:49,767
[MUTTERS]
241
00:11:49,767 --> 00:11:51,501
Ah.
242
00:11:54,734 --> 00:11:56,300
Uh.
243
00:11:59,434 --> 00:12:01,100
Ah...
244
00:12:10,334 --> 00:12:15,434
[WHISPERING] I'm nuts
about you, Archie Bunker.
245
00:12:17,868 --> 00:12:21,567
I'm nuts about you, Alice Faye.
246
00:12:23,567 --> 00:12:28,334
This year's crop of kisses
247
00:12:28,334 --> 00:12:32,234
Don't seem the same
248
00:12:32,234 --> 00:12:34,033
Soon...
249
00:12:36,033 --> 00:12:37,934
[SNORES]
250
00:12:44,133 --> 00:12:46,234
No.
251
00:13:05,834 --> 00:13:08,701
Hey, hey, hey.
252
00:13:10,167 --> 00:13:13,067
Hey, how--how did you get here?
253
00:13:13,067 --> 00:13:14,734
You brought me here.
254
00:13:16,133 --> 00:13:20,033
When? Shh!
255
00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:21,767
When?
256
00:13:21,767 --> 00:13:22,934
Last night.
257
00:13:25,601 --> 00:13:27,234
Last night?
258
00:13:30,968 --> 00:13:33,634
What are you doing here?
259
00:13:33,634 --> 00:13:36,734
Right now? Nothing.
260
00:13:45,601 --> 00:13:47,434
Wait a minute, wait, wait a m--
261
00:13:47,434 --> 00:13:49,033
Wait a minute.
262
00:13:49,033 --> 00:13:51,501
Now, I don't remember nothing.
263
00:13:51,501 --> 00:13:53,834
Too bad.
264
00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:55,567
It was beautiful.
265
00:13:55,567 --> 00:13:58,534
Now hold it, hold it
. No, don't hold nothing!
266
00:14:01,067 --> 00:14:02,834
I gotta get outta here.
267
00:14:02,834 --> 00:14:04,601
No, no, please. Please.
268
00:14:04,601 --> 00:14:07,234
- I gotta go! - Do you want me to cry?
269
00:14:07,234 --> 00:14:08,601
[CRYING]
270
00:14:08,601 --> 00:14:11,767
Don't cry! Don't cry! Don't cry!
271
00:14:11,767 --> 00:14:16,968
Hey, don't make no noise
at all, for God sakes!
272
00:14:16,968 --> 00:14:19,033
I'm a happy married man, you know.
273
00:14:19,033 --> 00:14:20,868
Hey, I don't fool around.
274
00:14:20,868 --> 00:14:23,501
I know. You got right to it.
275
00:14:27,167 --> 00:14:29,367
Now, you shouldn't have let me.
276
00:14:29,367 --> 00:14:33,434
Who could've stopped you... tiger?
277
00:14:33,434 --> 00:14:36,100
Be my love
278
00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:37,467
Oh, don't sing!
279
00:14:37,467 --> 00:14:40,100
For no one else can end this yearning
280
00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:42,033
Shh. Don't sing, don't sing.
281
00:14:42,033 --> 00:14:45,067
Please cut, cut.
282
00:14:45,067 --> 00:14:47,400
Oh, Lord.
283
00:14:50,033 --> 00:14:55,234
Why do dames who go for me always sing bad?
284
00:14:55,234 --> 00:14:57,334
All I want is you
285
00:14:57,334 --> 00:14:59,167
No, no, no, no.
286
00:14:59,167 --> 00:15:00,701
For me
287
00:15:00,701 --> 00:15:03,334
God, we'll get arrested here.
288
00:15:03,334 --> 00:15:06,667
Hey, young lady...
289
00:15:06,667 --> 00:15:09,734
Do you know I'm old
enough to be your father?
290
00:15:09,734 --> 00:15:11,767
I love old men.
291
00:15:14,334 --> 00:15:15,801
You do?
292
00:15:15,801 --> 00:15:19,667
You better believe it... tiger!
293
00:15:19,667 --> 00:15:22,601
Oh, well... [MUMBLING]
294
00:15:22,601 --> 00:15:25,701
I--I--I can't let-- I can't--
295
00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:30,000
Oh, what the hell.
296
00:15:31,067 --> 00:15:32,133
[MUMBLING]
297
00:15:32,133 --> 00:15:33,501
What am I saying?
298
00:15:33,501 --> 00:15:35,901
I gotta go, I gotta get out of here.
299
00:15:35,901 --> 00:15:38,434
This ain't right. This ain't right.
300
00:15:38,434 --> 00:15:40,000
This here-- This is--this is--
301
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,133
This is wrong.
302
00:15:42,133 --> 00:15:44,200
You know what this is?
303
00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:47,534
This here ismadness.
304
00:15:47,534 --> 00:15:52,200
I mean, whatever went on here, you know,
305
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:54,100
that's it!
306
00:15:55,501 --> 00:15:57,767
We--we gotta think of each other as...
307
00:15:57,767 --> 00:16:02,234
like... we call ships
that clash in the night.
308
00:16:04,367 --> 00:16:07,234
Oh, don't cry. Hey, don't cry.
309
00:16:07,234 --> 00:16:09,033
Hey. Hey, don't cry, little girl.
310
00:16:09,033 --> 00:16:12,567
Listen to me, I blame
myself for this here thing.
311
00:16:12,567 --> 00:16:14,234
See?
312
00:16:14,234 --> 00:16:16,868
You're only a young girl.
313
00:16:16,868 --> 00:16:21,400
I'm an experienced man of the world.
314
00:16:22,901 --> 00:16:25,734
I took advantage of you here.
315
00:16:25,734 --> 00:16:28,167
I shouldn't oughta did that.
316
00:16:28,167 --> 00:16:32,300
And I'm sorry for that.
317
00:16:32,300 --> 00:16:39,567
Now, if I give you some beautiful
memories last night...
318
00:16:39,567 --> 00:16:43,234
which I can't myself remember...
319
00:16:43,234 --> 00:16:45,267
you gotta forget that.
320
00:16:45,267 --> 00:16:47,167
Forget that.
321
00:16:48,467 --> 00:16:51,300
Well, no, you could hang on to them.
322
00:16:52,834 --> 00:16:57,100
But you gotta try and forget me.
323
00:16:58,868 --> 00:17:02,400
You know, I'm married, I got a wife.
324
00:17:02,400 --> 00:17:04,801
I've been married to for 30 years.
325
00:17:04,801 --> 00:17:06,501
She says 29.
326
00:17:07,801 --> 00:17:10,000
And she's got memories, too.
327
00:17:12,033 --> 00:17:15,300
What you're looking at here, see,
328
00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:18,467
is kind of an old-fashioned guy
329
00:17:18,467 --> 00:17:23,801
who really believes in
thesanctitity of marriage.
330
00:17:26,801 --> 00:17:28,501
Okay?
331
00:17:33,300 --> 00:17:37,501
Archie, I'm gonna have to level with you.
332
00:17:37,501 --> 00:17:40,100
I can't keep doing this.
333
00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:42,601
Me neither.
334
00:17:42,601 --> 00:17:45,734
No, no, I mean--
335
00:17:45,734 --> 00:17:48,067
Pinky put me up to this.
336
00:17:54,067 --> 00:17:58,634
This--this here is one of Pinky's gags?
337
00:17:58,634 --> 00:18:00,400
Yeah.
338
00:18:03,267 --> 00:18:06,767
So nothing happened here last night, huh?
339
00:18:12,234 --> 00:18:14,801
Oh, well..
340
00:18:18,100 --> 00:18:19,767
Disappointed?
341
00:18:20,968 --> 00:18:22,567
Well, no, no, no,
342
00:18:22,567 --> 00:18:25,834
'cause, I wouldn't have
remembered it anyhow.
343
00:18:28,133 --> 00:18:31,534
Oh, but that Pinky Peterson.
344
00:18:33,167 --> 00:18:35,234
I'm gonna get even with him.
345
00:18:36,334 --> 00:18:40,234
Someway, someday...
346
00:18:40,234 --> 00:18:42,534
Someday?
347
00:18:44,601 --> 00:18:46,300
What about now?
348
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:55,067
Can you hear anything, Pink?
349
00:18:55,067 --> 00:18:56,934
It's quiet now.
350
00:18:56,934 --> 00:18:58,501
I'd give a million to be a bed bug
351
00:18:58,501 --> 00:19:00,334
between them sheets.
352
00:19:00,334 --> 00:19:01,667
Yeah.
353
00:19:01,667 --> 00:19:04,133
You pulled some doozies in your time, Pink,
354
00:19:04,133 --> 00:19:06,467
but this is your crowning glory.
355
00:19:06,467 --> 00:19:09,100
This even tops the gag you
pulled at the beer bust
356
00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:11,000
when you sewed up Hank's zipper.
357
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:12,200
You remember that, Hank?
358
00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,033
That wasn't so funny.
359
00:19:14,033 --> 00:19:16,667
Yeah, that was good, but
this is my masterpiece.
360
00:19:16,667 --> 00:19:19,234
Oh! Shh! Shh!
361
00:19:19,234 --> 00:19:21,434
[LAUGHING] How did Archie take it?
362
00:19:21,434 --> 00:19:23,667
Yeah. What's happening in there?
363
00:19:23,667 --> 00:19:26,033
Archie's dead.
364
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:30,767
- He's dead? - He can't be dead.
365
00:19:30,767 --> 00:19:32,033
What are you talkin about?
366
00:19:32,033 --> 00:19:36,000
Well, he woke up, took one look at me,
367
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:38,634
clutched his heart and closed his eyes.
368
00:19:38,634 --> 00:19:40,334
Maybe he just fainted.
369
00:19:40,334 --> 00:19:41,434
No, no, no.
370
00:19:41,434 --> 00:19:44,067
He's not breathing, and he has no pulse.
371
00:19:44,067 --> 00:19:46,767
- I don't believe it. - Are you sure?
372
00:19:46,767 --> 00:19:50,868
Believe me, I know a dead
person when I see one.
373
00:19:52,667 --> 00:19:54,734
Dead? Archie?
374
00:19:54,734 --> 00:19:57,334
He--he was so full of life.
375
00:19:57,334 --> 00:20:00,100
Oh, my God, this is awful.
376
00:20:00,100 --> 00:20:02,801
It was just a joke.
377
00:20:02,801 --> 00:20:04,200
A joke?
378
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:06,200
Well, I didn't mean any harm.
379
00:20:06,200 --> 00:20:09,000
I love Archie, you guys know that.
380
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:12,000
You better figure out what
you're gonna do abouthim.
381
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:14,234
But whatever it is, leave me out of it!
382
00:20:15,834 --> 00:20:17,234
[DOOR SLAMS SHUT]
383
00:20:17,234 --> 00:20:19,701
- Wally-- - Nah!
384
00:20:19,701 --> 00:20:21,534
- Hank, listen-- - Come on.
385
00:20:22,601 --> 00:20:24,901
Barney, you gotta help me.
386
00:20:24,901 --> 00:20:26,901
Hey, hey, I don't wanna see him.
387
00:20:26,901 --> 00:20:29,267
I don't wanna see him.
388
00:20:36,400 --> 00:20:38,467
I don't wanna see him.
389
00:20:41,501 --> 00:20:43,300
How does he look?
390
00:20:43,300 --> 00:20:45,767
Terrible.
391
00:20:45,767 --> 00:20:48,434
Well, he never was no Paul Newman.
392
00:20:55,334 --> 00:20:57,434
WHISPERING: He's not dead.
393
00:20:57,434 --> 00:20:58,467
Huh?
394
00:21:00,167 --> 00:21:02,400
WHISPERING: He's not dead.
395
00:21:06,501 --> 00:21:08,234
WHISPERING: He's not dead?
396
00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:10,701
Why, you--
397
00:21:12,701 --> 00:21:14,400
You gotta help me, Barney.
398
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:16,601
What do you mean?
399
00:21:16,601 --> 00:21:18,767
I'll be blamed for this.
400
00:21:18,767 --> 00:21:21,300
I didn't know he had a bum ticker.
401
00:21:21,300 --> 00:21:24,400
We gotta make it look like an accident.
402
00:21:24,400 --> 00:21:27,234
An accident in bed?
403
00:21:27,234 --> 00:21:29,167
What floor are we on?
404
00:21:29,167 --> 00:21:31,734
Uh, 14.
405
00:21:31,734 --> 00:21:33,000
We'll throw him out the window.
406
00:21:34,901 --> 00:21:36,634
Come on.
407
00:21:36,634 --> 00:21:40,000
How are we gonna do that to poor Arch?
408
00:21:40,000 --> 00:21:41,033
Easy.
409
00:21:41,033 --> 00:21:43,534
You take his head, I'll take his legs.
410
00:21:43,534 --> 00:21:46,434
We'll tell 'em he was throwing
a water bag out the window
411
00:21:46,434 --> 00:21:47,634
and forgot to let go.
412
00:21:50,868 --> 00:21:54,033
Come on, we can't do that to poor Arch.
413
00:21:54,033 --> 00:21:58,167
Why not? Dead is dead.
414
00:21:58,167 --> 00:22:00,934
But Marabel's a witness.
415
00:22:00,934 --> 00:22:03,901
I thought of that. We'll
throw her out, too.
416
00:22:05,534 --> 00:22:08,868
Think what this is gonna do to poor Edith.
417
00:22:08,868 --> 00:22:10,567
Iamthinking of Edith.
418
00:22:10,567 --> 00:22:13,734
If it's an accident, she'll
collect double indemnity.
419
00:22:13,734 --> 00:22:16,400
She'll be set for the rest of her life.
420
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:17,767
Yeah.
421
00:22:17,767 --> 00:22:19,567
As far as Edith is concerned,
422
00:22:19,567 --> 00:22:22,267
this whole thing is a stroke of luck.
423
00:22:22,267 --> 00:22:24,701
- You buy it? - Okay.
424
00:22:24,701 --> 00:22:26,801
What the hell do you mean "okay"?
425
00:22:26,801 --> 00:22:30,367
[ALL SHOUTING]
426
00:22:30,367 --> 00:22:32,801
Archie, you're alive!
427
00:22:39,901 --> 00:22:41,467
I'm home, Edith.
428
00:22:41,467 --> 00:22:45,567
Oh, Archie!
429
00:22:45,567 --> 00:22:47,434
- Oh. - Oh.
430
00:22:47,434 --> 00:22:50,834
Oh, how was the convention?
431
00:22:50,834 --> 00:22:53,400
Caucus, Edith. The caucus.
432
00:22:53,400 --> 00:22:54,667
The caucus.
433
00:22:54,667 --> 00:22:56,834
Yeah, I was bored to death.
434
00:22:56,834 --> 00:22:58,467
Oh...
435
00:22:58,467 --> 00:23:01,667
Uh, well, almost to death.
436
00:23:01,667 --> 00:23:02,834
You know me.
437
00:23:02,834 --> 00:23:05,267
I don't like to be away from home.
438
00:23:05,267 --> 00:23:07,434
I never liked to sleep alone.
439
00:23:10,801 --> 00:23:14,634
I'll bet you wasn't alone.
440
00:23:14,634 --> 00:23:16,434
Huh?
441
00:23:16,434 --> 00:23:17,834
What do you mean by that?
442
00:23:17,834 --> 00:23:22,901
Well, you always dream about Alice Faye.
443
00:23:22,901 --> 00:23:26,100
Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah.
444
00:23:26,100 --> 00:23:30,200
But no more of these caucuses
for me, Edith, you know?
445
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:32,901
A bunch of grown, middle-aged men
446
00:23:32,901 --> 00:23:34,501
acting like children.
447
00:23:34,501 --> 00:23:37,200
I ain't never gonna do that no more.
448
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:38,968
I'm so glad to be home.
449
00:23:38,968 --> 00:23:43,567
Oh, and I'm so glad you're home.
450
00:23:43,567 --> 00:23:44,734
- Ah... - [BUZZING]
451
00:23:44,734 --> 00:23:46,334
Aah!
452
00:23:46,334 --> 00:23:47,367
[LAUGHING]
453
00:23:47,367 --> 00:23:48,501
Stop!
454
00:23:48,501 --> 00:23:50,934
[SHOUTING CONTINUES]
455
00:23:50,984 --> 00:23:55,534
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