Original subtitles

Hey, little girl, there's no sense in trying to talk to a meathead.

And, for once and for all,

you stop calling my husband a meathead.

MIKE: Joey, Joey!

Archie, Archie, they mean it.

They're really goin' tonight.

They wouldn't stay for the last dinner.

What the hell do I care what they do?

Archie, please do something.

Oh, I am certainly gonna do something, Edith.

I'm gonna hold open that front door for them.

No!

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us, we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

I wanna know why that Meathead couldn't wait here in New York for a promotion.

Or why the hell he had to run out to California to be a dumb assistant professor.

Because they pay higher for that out in California.

Money don't mean everything.

I don't like the idea of California.

I'm kinda scared of California.

Hey, you know somethin'?

There's a very high percentage of people gets murdered in California?

People get murdered in New York, too.

Yes, but when you're murdered in New York, at least the police can tell you why.

You get murdered out in California for no good reason.

I don't wanna talk about murders.

Oh, let me tell you, there's some weird murders out there in California.

You could get murdered by some rich kid who's tired of playin' the guitar.

But you can't tell that Meathead nothin'.

You can't tell him nothin'! He knows everything!

If he was bendin' over here, I'd like to walk up behind him and give him--

Oh, jeez! Oh, oh! Cramp in the leg!

Cramp in the leg! Cramp in the leg!

Hurry up! Hurry up!

Pull the heel and push the toes!

Jeez! Oh! Oh, God.

Ahh. Ahh.

We are gonna see 'em again--

when we go out there to California next year.

Oh, what for?

For their tenth anniversary.

They're gonna repeat their vows and get married again.

Don't you wanna see your little girl get married again?

Only if she marries somebody else.

Archie, I can't believe that you mean that. Let me get up, Edith.

Another cramp! Another cramp! The left leg!

Get it! Oh, Edith, this one's for life!

Michael, I'm only gonna ask you one more time.

I want you and Daddy to kiss and make up.

I'll kiss and make up,

but you know where he's gonna have to kiss me. Michael.

You got it!

All right, Mr. Stubborn,

then I'm gonna go talk to Ma and Daddy myself.

Talk to 'em. I don't care.

Shh, shh, shh.

Aah!

No, please, don't wake up Joey.

Oh, Ma.

Gloria, I'm gonna miss you so much.

Me too, Ma,

but we're gonna see you next year

on our tenth anniversary.

Oh, Gloria, your father is so mad now,

I don't think he'd go to California

even to see John Wayne.

But, Ma, we can't get married again

without you there!

Don't cry.

Wait a minute.

Wait, I just got an idea.

You know what?

What if we got married again right here in this house

tomorrow before we leave.

Tomorrow? Yeah.

But what about Mike and your father?

They ain't talkin' to each other.

Oh, but it'll be a great way to get everybody

talking to each other again, Ma.

There ceremony will be with just the four of us,

nobody else, and I know how to make Daddy agree to it.

We'll be married this time by a minister.

Oh, yeah.

But it ain't your tenth anniversary yet.

Well, so what?

We'll move it up a year.

I mean, what's a year?

At least we'll all be together.

We're all gonna be together another year?

No, but, Archie,

Mike and Gloria are gonna get married again

here tomorrow, before they leave,

by a minister.

Oh, come on, won't that make you happy, Daddy?

If I say no, what are you gonna do?

Hit me on top of my head again?

Oh, I'm sorry I did that to you tonight.

I gotta go tell Michael.

Ah, to hell with him!

Oh!

I knew that was gonna happen, see?

Nobody gives a damn what I say in this house no more.

I might as well be talkin' to the wall here.

Hiya, wall, how you doin' there?

Archie, please don't talk to the wall.

Why not?

It makes me nervous.

Oh, jeez.

Stick around, wall, I'll talk to you later.

Hey, hey, don't push me! Don't push me!

I am not talking to him!

I said I'm not talking to him.

- I'm not talking to that man! - Hey, you listen to me.

You talk in this house, you talk to me.

You know the old sayin'--

Love me, love my dog.

You don't have a dog.

Then shut up!

No, no, no.

Mike, ain't you two ever gonna make up?

- No! - No!

Michael, do you love me?

Oh, Gloria, don't start this.

Do you love me?

Yes, yes, I love you. I love you.

That's nice.

And, Daddy, do you love me?

Oh, come on, little girl,

don't start anything like this, will ya?

- Do you-- - Oh, jeez, all right!

All right, then.

If you both love me,

then you'll both make up with each other,

or else you're both gonna lose me,

because, Michael, I'll send you off to California alone,

and, Daddy, I'll pack up Joey and move to Canada.

And I'll go with ya.

Stifle yourself.

Now, you two gonna shake hands?

- No. - No.

You gonna shake hands?

BOTH: Ow, the hair, the hair!

All right, all right, all right.

Yeah!

Now we can all get some sleep.

[JOEY CRYING]

Oh, look, you woke up the baby.

There you go. There you go.

- It's your fault. - Oh, jeez, it's in the toe.

It's in the toe! Ooh, God, ooh.

I'll bet that really hurts, huh?

It hurts like hell.

Too bad.

Archie, would you hook me?

Thought I hooked you 30 years ago.

Oh, oh. [LAUGHS]

Help you with your coat.

Oh, come on, I don't have to wear a coat.

Oh, sure.

Oh, come on, Edith, will ya?

We're just going to a weddin',

not out to dinner.

Oh, Archie, you wanna look nice, don't ya?

Oh, jeez, all this fussin' for what?

God, you'd think you and me was gettin' married.

Forget it, forget it, forget it, forget it.

But, Archie, no,

when Mike and Gloria repeat their vows,

we could repeat ours, too.

No dice, no dice, Edith, none of that.

Yeah, it would be so romantic.

Oh, it will be dumb.

Dumb, dumb, dumb.

There's nothing wrong with two people

showing the world that they love each other.

Dumb diddle-ee-um dumb, dumb, dumb.

Case closed.

Oh, well, jeez.

Stop naggin', Edith.

I didn't say a word.

That's the worst kind of naggin'.

You're doin' it again, Edith.

The answer is still "no," understand?

No. And that ends it.

Now, listen...

...and listen good.

Don't expect me...

to do this every 29 years.

Oh, thank you, Archie.

Ma and Daddy, Reverend Chong is here.

EDITH: We'll be right down.

ARCHIE: This is so silly.

Reverend Chong, if it's okay with you,

Michael and I would like you to read this passage

during the ceremony,

'cause we had it read at our first wedding.

Oh, this will be fine.

EDITH: Here we come!

Surprise, everybody.

♪ Here comes the other bride and groom ♪

Ah, don't do that.

♪ All dressed in brown and blue ♪

Would you cut it out?

It's so embarrassing, Edith.

[CONTINUES SINGING]

You wanna get divorced before you get remarried, huh?

Hello, Reverend Chong.

You remember my husband, Archie Bunker.

Yes.

Oh, yeah, yeah,

you're the guy that refused

to baptize Joey behind their backs.

- That's right. - Why don't you refuse to do this?

This is kosher.

Ah, jeez.

Oh, Ma, Daddy, you're gettin' remarried, too.

It had nothin' to do with me.

It's your mother's idea.

Is it all right?

Oh, sure, Ma.

BOTH: Oh, is it all right, Reverend Chong?

Look at the Andrews Sisters here.

Yes, of course.

Of course it's all right.

Oh, then I'll be your bridesmaid,

and you can be mine.

Oh, yeah!

Well, I'll be my own best-man,

and you can be whatever it is you are.

Is that all right there, Reverend Chin?

- Chang. - Chong.

Whatever.

♪ Oh, promise me ♪

♪ That someday you and I ♪

♪ Will take our love together-- ♪

[PRESSES KEY]

Hey, Edith, hey, hey, Edith, hey,

we really don't need no music.

The Reverend here is in an awful hurry.

He has to get right back to his restaurant. Come on.

CHONG: Uh, shall we start the ceremony?

Where do we stand?

Brides here, Mr. Stivic here,

uh, Mr. Bunker right here.

Yeah, okay, okay, dearly beloved, dearly beloved,

dearly beloved, here we go.

[CLEARS THROAT] Dearly beloved--

Good.

Uh, before we commence,

Mr. Stivic asked that I read a passage

for this beautiful occasion.

- Oh, jeez. - Daddy.

You gotta stand when you're gettin' married.

A little respect.

I thought he was doin' an intermission number.

Uh, the passage is as follows--

"Sing and dance together and be joyous,

"but let each one of you be alone,

"for the pillars of the temple stand apart,

"and the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow,

"for if one tree tries to overshadow the other,

then that one will wither and die."

Why do you look at me on "die"?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Do you, Gloria,

take Michael to be your lawful, wedded husband?

I do.

And do you, Michael,

take Gloria to be your lawful, wedded wife?

I do.

And, Mrs. Bunker--

Oh, I do!

Let the poor man finish here, will ya?

I knew what he was gonna say.

Do you, Archibald,

Oh...

[LAUGHS]

Just make believe he ain't here.

Go ahead.

Do you, Archibald,

take Edith to be your lawful wedded wife?

[EXHALES]

Archie.

Give me a minute, will you, Edith?

All right, all right,

it's only a joke, a joke.

It's only a joke, huh?

Well, do you, or don't you?

I do. Get off my back.

The rings, please.

Now, repeat after me.

I, Michael, give you this ring...

I, Michael, give you this ring...

As a symbol of my vow.

As a symbol of my vow.

And, now, Mrs. Bunker.

I can't get it off. It's stuck.

Since when?

Since 29 years.

Oh, well, perhaps we should dispense with the ring.

Yeah, we don't need it.

Oh, no, you gotta have a ring, or it ain't legal.

All right, hey, little girl,

give me a loan of yours there, will ya?

Oh, sure.

Don't spit all over it, would ya?

It doesn't hurt.

All right.

Now, repeat after me.

Yeah, I will, go ahead.

I, Archibald, give you this ring--

Hold it, hold it. Do you mind?

"I, Archie," huh?

All right. What?

Give you this ring.

Give you this ring. What?

As a symbol of my vow.

As a what?

Symbol of my vow.

Symbol of my what?

Vow.

Vow.

It don't fit.

Whose fault is that? You let your fingers go.

Uh, by the power vested in me,

I now pronounce you husbands and wives.

Grooms, you may kiss your brides.

Oh.

He said, "kiss the bride,"

not "eat the face off her."

If you are ready,

I shall now take the wedding picture.

Oh, a wedding picture.

Now, when I count to three,

I want you to say, uh, "chop suey," huh?

You never see an Oriental without a camera.

Now, get together, get together.

Closer, closer.

Put your hand in like this.

All right. One, two, three.

ALL: Chop suey!

[HORN HONKS]

Yeah, we'll be with you in a minute!

Honey, hurry up, the cab's here.

GLORIA: I'm hurryin'.

...good time in California.

You're gonna see Disneyland,

and you're gonna meet Mickey Mouse,

and Donald Duck.

GLORIA: Ma, would you bring Joey up here?

I gotta get him ready.

All right, come on upstairs, Joey.

Yeah, well, I can do that, Edith, you know?

No, I'll do it, I'll do it.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Edith, I wanna do it.

I think he went potty.

Oh, you do it.

Yeah, uh, just give us a few more minutes.

Atta boy.

[LAUGHS]

[SIGHS]

Well...

I guess this is it.

You wouldn't be tryin' to make me feel good,

would you there?

Arch...

...I wanna thank you.

Well, go ahead.

I wanna thank you for...

for all the years you let me live here, and...

...for all the free meals, and...

...for all the nice times we had together.

I--I know there was a lot of arguing and fighting,

but we...we did have some nice times.

Yeah, there was nice times.

You been like a father to me.

Well, hey, you know,

you been just like a son to me.

You never did nothin' I ever told you to do.

Hey, Arch, uh,

we want you and Ma to come visit us out there.

Oh, uh, maybe your mother-in-law can do that, but you know...

I--I think you'd like it out there.

Nah, I don't think so.

Sure, fresh juice every morning.

Well, you know me, I always take the canned.

Lots of sunshine?

Yeah, well, I burn easy.

Pacific Ocean?

Yeah, well, I don't like an ocean

where the sun goes down.

I like an ocean where the sun comes up, you know?

I'm gonna miss you.

Well, listen, I--I'm gonna...

...you know, I...

Hey, listen...

...you just take...

...very good care of Gloria and Joseph.

Those are two things you never have to worry about, Arch,

I promise.

EDITH: ...And we'll put your coat on.

GLORIA: Michael, I think Joey's hungry.

Would you get him a glass of milk

and a cookie, or somethin'?

Oh, sure. Come on, pal.

You know, I think I could use a snack myself.

Yeah, eat somethin'.

I read in the papers where millions of Americans

starve to death on the way to airports.

Ma?

Gloria.

Oh, Ma.

Oh, Gloria.

Hey, Edith, Edith, Edith, come on now, huh?

Don't start slobberin' now, please.

I love you, Ma.

I love you, Gloria.

Hey.

I love you, Daddy.

Well, your daddy certainly loves you, little girl.

[CRYING]

[HORN HONKS]

[GLORIA WHIMPERS]

Yeah, the taxi meter's runnin' out there,

you know?

You better call them two out of the kitchen, huh?

Yeah, do that.

Michael, the cab driver's honkin'.

Okay, honey.

You wanna take Joey?

Oh, Joey.

Goodbye, Joey.

Say goodbye to Grandma.

Say goodbye to Grandpa.

So long, Joe. So long, Joe.

- Goodbye. - So long, Joe.

EDITH: Remember Grandma loves you.

[SOBBING]

I love you, Mike.

I love you, Ma.

Hey, the taxi meter's runnin' on there, you know?

It's gotta be at least a $15 ride out there.

You don't wanna add to it, you know?

There's no use in doin' that.

They...charge you enough for them rides.

Yeah.

Yeah.

EDITH: Gloria, Gloria!

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Ma.

Goodbye, Joey.

Goodbye, Mike.

Bye, Ma.

- Arch-- - Hey, listen, have a good trip there, huh?

Have a good trip.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I--I know you always thought I hated you...

...but I love you.

Hey, uh...

...you be sure and send, uh, postcards

every now and then, will ya?

Because your mother-in-law,

she's--she's wanna...

...she's gonna wanna know that...

...you're all right, you know?

Well, that's a good sky.

Well, take off, and have a good trip.

Yeah, bye, Arch.

[CAB DOOR CLOSES]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[TAXI DRIVES OFF]

[SOBS]

[BLOWS]

I got ya a beer, Archie.

Here I come.

H-Here's your beer.

Yeah, leave it there, Edith.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

ROB REINER: All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0