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1
00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:04,601
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:04,601 --> 00:00:07,601
♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪
3
00:00:07,601 --> 00:00:10,868
♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪
4
00:00:10,868 --> 00:00:13,367
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:13,367 --> 00:00:17,234
♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪
6
00:00:17,234 --> 00:00:20,400
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪
7
00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:25,567
♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:28,734
♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪
9
00:00:28,734 --> 00:00:31,767
♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪
10
00:00:31,767 --> 00:00:36,100
♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪
11
00:00:36,100 --> 00:00:41,901
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:45,868 --> 00:00:49,567
♪ Oh, it's a good day
for movin' along ♪
13
00:00:49,567 --> 00:00:53,501
♪ Oh, it's a good day
for singin' a song ♪
14
00:00:53,501 --> 00:00:56,000
♪ Oh, it's a good day ♪
15
00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:58,567
♪ How could anything go wrong? ♪
16
00:00:58,567 --> 00:00:59,567
Hi, Arch.
17
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:01,100
That way.
18
00:01:02,534 --> 00:01:05,868
♪ It was a good day
till this guy come in ♪
19
00:01:05,868 --> 00:01:10,400
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
watch your step, buddy, huh?
20
00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:14,033
Once false move there,
this razor could make you a Jew.
21
00:01:19,067 --> 00:01:24,234
Okay? So step back there
and give me a little room here, huh?
22
00:01:24,234 --> 00:01:25,667
Now...
23
00:01:27,601 --> 00:01:30,501
Come here, come here.
Give me that thing, will you?
24
00:01:30,501 --> 00:01:35,434
Jeez. You're more in my way
the last two days then you was when you lived here.
25
00:01:35,434 --> 00:01:37,634
Hey, hey, I didn't wanna
move back in here.
26
00:01:37,634 --> 00:01:38,901
It was Ma's idea.
27
00:01:38,901 --> 00:01:40,501
Yeah, I know that.
28
00:01:40,501 --> 00:01:41,734
Well, we're leavin' tomorrow,
29
00:01:41,734 --> 00:01:43,667
so let's just make
the best of this.
30
00:01:43,667 --> 00:01:45,834
Yeah, well,
if your last night here,
31
00:01:45,834 --> 00:01:49,000
I'm gonna move Joey and his crib
back there into your room, see,
32
00:01:49,000 --> 00:01:50,734
'cause if he's in there,
then you and her
33
00:01:50,734 --> 00:01:53,000
won't keep me
awake makin' music with the bed springs.
34
00:01:54,968 --> 00:01:57,901
You know,
I don't enjoy living here.
35
00:01:57,901 --> 00:02:00,767
I don't like it
sitting downstairs in the living room with you,
36
00:02:00,767 --> 00:02:03,167
watching the Three Stoogesmeet Frankenstein.
37
00:02:03,167 --> 00:02:04,601
Ah, shut up.
38
00:02:04,601 --> 00:02:06,267
Shut up, will ya?
39
00:02:06,267 --> 00:02:08,968
You'll never quit makin' fun
of the things that I like,
40
00:02:08,968 --> 00:02:10,167
or the things
that I hold dear.
41
00:02:10,167 --> 00:02:11,300
Let me tell you
somethin'.
42
00:02:11,300 --> 00:02:14,767
Them Three Stooges
was great entertainment.
43
00:02:14,767 --> 00:02:17,067
They was high comedy.
44
00:02:17,067 --> 00:02:19,000
Them guys was funny.
45
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:20,734
They weren't funny.
46
00:02:20,734 --> 00:02:22,367
I say they was funny!
47
00:02:22,367 --> 00:02:24,167
The hell's the matter
with you?
48
00:02:24,167 --> 00:02:25,767
You don't think
it was funny there
49
00:02:25,767 --> 00:02:28,934
when Moe hit Curly
on top of his baldy head with an axe?
50
00:02:28,934 --> 00:02:30,834
Huh? Huh?
51
00:02:30,834 --> 00:02:33,033
You didn't think it was
funny when Larry drug Moe
52
00:02:33,033 --> 00:02:34,968
all the way
across the room like this here?
53
00:02:34,968 --> 00:02:36,000
Hey, hey, hey.
54
00:02:36,000 --> 00:02:38,300
Huh?
Get it out of there, will ya?
55
00:02:38,300 --> 00:02:39,434
What's the matter
with you?
56
00:02:39,434 --> 00:02:41,133
That was funny,
57
00:02:41,133 --> 00:02:44,968
'cause them was three
very witty guys there.
58
00:02:44,968 --> 00:02:48,033
Better than that crapola
you was watchin' the other night.
59
00:02:48,033 --> 00:02:49,767
Some crazy guy in Denmark
60
00:02:49,767 --> 00:02:51,334
runnin' around the top
of a castle
61
00:02:51,334 --> 00:02:53,133
in his long drawers,
talkin' to a ghost.
62
00:02:53,133 --> 00:02:54,167
Jeez.
63
00:02:55,334 --> 00:02:57,167
That was Hamlet.
64
00:02:57,167 --> 00:02:59,100
I don't give a damn
if it was omelet.
65
00:02:59,100 --> 00:03:00,801
It stank.
66
00:03:04,167 --> 00:03:06,000
Jeez.
67
00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:07,767
You know, in the last
couple of days
68
00:03:07,767 --> 00:03:09,701
you've been tryin'
to get close to me there.
69
00:03:09,701 --> 00:03:11,067
That's very strange
for a guy
70
00:03:11,067 --> 00:03:13,334
who really wants to get
the hell away from me!
71
00:03:13,334 --> 00:03:17,000
Oh, so that's
what's bothering you.
72
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:18,968
You're upset
that we're leaving.
73
00:03:18,968 --> 00:03:20,000
Well, listen,
74
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:21,601
leave, stay,
what the hell,
75
00:03:21,601 --> 00:03:23,567
I still gotta go to work
in the mornin'.
76
00:03:23,567 --> 00:03:25,067
Come on,
Arch, admit it,
77
00:03:25,067 --> 00:03:26,434
you hate to see us go.
78
00:03:26,434 --> 00:03:28,767
Well, I hate to see
Gloria and Joey go.
79
00:03:28,767 --> 00:03:29,834
Yeah, no, no, no,
80
00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:32,033
you hate
to see me go, too.
81
00:03:32,033 --> 00:03:34,701
Come on, come on,
admit it, let it out.
82
00:03:34,701 --> 00:03:37,968
Deep down inside you have
some real feelings for me.
83
00:03:37,968 --> 00:03:40,300
Listen, I ain't got
no real feelings at all.
84
00:03:40,300 --> 00:03:41,934
Remember that.
85
00:03:41,934 --> 00:03:43,634
Yes, you do.
86
00:03:43,634 --> 00:03:46,067
Arch, come on, you know,
deep down inside,
87
00:03:46,067 --> 00:03:47,634
you know you love me.
88
00:03:47,634 --> 00:03:48,634
Ah, hey.
89
00:03:48,634 --> 00:03:50,167
Come on,
admit it, you love me.
90
00:03:50,167 --> 00:03:51,167
Hey!
91
00:03:51,167 --> 00:03:53,300
I love you.
Hey!
92
00:03:53,300 --> 00:03:54,334
I love you, Arch.
93
00:03:54,334 --> 00:03:56,000
Hey, hey,
whoa, whoa!
94
00:03:58,300 --> 00:04:02,734
Save that stuff
for fruity California.
95
00:04:02,734 --> 00:04:03,834
( knocking )
96
00:04:03,834 --> 00:04:06,634
EDITH:
Archie, it's me. Can I come in?
97
00:04:06,634 --> 00:04:07,767
Oh, I don't know, Edith,
98
00:04:07,767 --> 00:04:10,400
there's a couple of guys
in love in here.
99
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:12,834
Well, I gotta
interrupt you.
100
00:04:12,834 --> 00:04:14,067
I need the ointment.
101
00:04:14,067 --> 00:04:16,701
Joey's got a rash
on his little heinie.
102
00:04:18,167 --> 00:04:19,734
Watch the razor,
will ya, Edith?
103
00:04:19,734 --> 00:04:21,667
Do you want me to start
talking to you
104
00:04:21,667 --> 00:04:23,901
out of the side
of my neck?
105
00:04:23,901 --> 00:04:27,968
Did you use up
Joey's ointment?
106
00:04:27,968 --> 00:04:29,200
Why should I, Edith?
107
00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:32,467
Have I got a rash
on my little heinie there?!
108
00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:38,434
( knocking )
109
00:04:38,434 --> 00:04:41,801
GLORIA: Hey, hey,
can I come in?
110
00:04:41,801 --> 00:04:43,167
You come in,
she wants in.
111
00:04:43,167 --> 00:04:45,200
Depends on what
you wanna do.
112
00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:46,734
I'm kinda desperate,
113
00:04:46,734 --> 00:04:49,167
so would you all
please hurry?
114
00:04:49,167 --> 00:04:51,534
Hey, where's
my panty-hose?
115
00:04:51,534 --> 00:04:54,868
Oh, panty-hose,
is that what that was?
116
00:04:54,868 --> 00:04:56,701
Yeah, why?
117
00:04:56,701 --> 00:04:58,501
Well, I wiped off
the mirror with somethin'.
118
00:04:58,501 --> 00:05:00,100
It's in the hamper,
I don't know.
119
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:01,133
Oh, Daddy.
120
00:05:01,133 --> 00:05:03,100
Excuse me, Michael.
121
00:05:03,100 --> 00:05:05,067
Oh, look at these.
122
00:05:05,067 --> 00:05:07,334
Now I'm gonna have
to wash them again.
123
00:05:07,334 --> 00:05:08,367
Look at--Will ya--
124
00:05:08,367 --> 00:05:09,501
Would you look at this?
125
00:05:09,501 --> 00:05:11,534
This is worse
than the army.
126
00:05:11,534 --> 00:05:14,567
Life's impossible
for me around here--
127
00:05:14,567 --> 00:05:17,167
Oh. Oh, would you
please hurry up and get out of here?
128
00:05:17,167 --> 00:05:18,334
I gotta go.
129
00:05:18,334 --> 00:05:19,467
Well,
whose fault is that?
130
00:05:19,467 --> 00:05:21,968
Gloria, have you seen
Joey's ointment?
131
00:05:21,968 --> 00:05:23,300
I used it all up, Ma.
132
00:05:23,300 --> 00:05:24,767
You can use
talcum powder on him.
133
00:05:24,767 --> 00:05:26,100
Oh, yeah.
134
00:05:26,100 --> 00:05:27,934
Look at her
hoppin' around on one foot.
135
00:05:27,934 --> 00:05:29,968
Well, wait a minute,
I gotta get Joey's ta--
136
00:05:29,968 --> 00:05:31,000
Not now, Ma, please.
137
00:05:31,000 --> 00:05:32,267
Hurry up.
138
00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:38,067
There's a lot of things
I need you to pick up for me.
139
00:05:38,067 --> 00:05:39,734
at Ferguson's market.
140
00:05:39,734 --> 00:05:42,367
Oh, Mike, wait till you see
what I'm makin' you
141
00:05:42,367 --> 00:05:44,200
for your last supper.
142
00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:46,834
Last supper--
Last supper, Edith?
143
00:05:46,834 --> 00:05:48,601
Who the hell
are the guests gonna be?
144
00:05:48,601 --> 00:05:51,467
The twelve apostles, huh?
145
00:05:51,467 --> 00:05:54,501
Last dinner.
"Dinner." Say that.
146
00:05:54,501 --> 00:05:56,734
I don't care
what you call it.
147
00:05:56,734 --> 00:06:00,501
It's the last time
we're gonna be together.
148
00:06:00,501 --> 00:06:01,534
Oh, Mike.
Oh, Ma.
149
00:06:01,534 --> 00:06:02,934
Oh!
150
00:06:04,734 --> 00:06:07,968
Just don't start cryin'
and slobberin', will you?
151
00:06:07,968 --> 00:06:09,767
The last thing I need
at this moment
152
00:06:09,767 --> 00:06:11,734
is a rush of sediment.
153
00:06:11,734 --> 00:06:13,767
( toilet flushes )
154
00:06:14,834 --> 00:06:16,934
Okay.
155
00:06:16,934 --> 00:06:17,968
( Gloria screams )
156
00:06:17,968 --> 00:06:18,968
ARCHIE: It's only me.
157
00:06:18,968 --> 00:06:19,968
EDITH: It's only me.
158
00:06:19,968 --> 00:06:21,033
MIKE: It's only me.
159
00:06:21,033 --> 00:06:22,334
GLORIA: Well,
did you see anything?
160
00:06:26,868 --> 00:06:29,000
♪ So sweet ♪
161
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:33,133
♪ On the sunny side
of the street ♪
162
00:06:33,133 --> 00:06:34,167
( phone rings )
163
00:06:34,167 --> 00:06:36,934
Oh, uh,
somebody get that.
164
00:06:36,934 --> 00:06:39,534
My hands
is in the turkey!
165
00:06:39,534 --> 00:06:41,100
I'll get it, Ma.
166
00:06:42,767 --> 00:06:43,801
Hello?
167
00:06:43,801 --> 00:06:45,601
Yeah, this is
Michael Stivic.
168
00:06:45,601 --> 00:06:47,067
Don't tie up
the line.
169
00:06:47,067 --> 00:06:49,234
( singsong voice )
EDITH: Archie.
170
00:06:49,234 --> 00:06:52,467
It's Archie,
it ain't "Archieeeee."
171
00:06:52,467 --> 00:06:53,834
Here's
the shopping list.
172
00:06:53,834 --> 00:06:54,834
See what we got.
173
00:06:54,834 --> 00:06:56,601
Uh, lettuce,
apples, pears.
174
00:06:56,601 --> 00:06:58,567
What the hell
is "krautons"?
175
00:06:58,567 --> 00:07:01,767
That's "croutons."
176
00:07:01,767 --> 00:07:03,534
What the hell
is croutons?
177
00:07:03,534 --> 00:07:05,701
You put 'em
in the salad.
178
00:07:05,701 --> 00:07:07,801
What do they do in there?
179
00:07:07,801 --> 00:07:10,634
They're delicious.
You'll find out.
180
00:07:10,634 --> 00:07:12,968
I don't want
no mystery salad, Edith.
181
00:07:12,968 --> 00:07:15,000
Open up a can
of grapefruit wedges,
182
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:17,267
and give me that
with plenty of sugar, that's all.
183
00:07:17,267 --> 00:07:19,300
All right.
Okay, see you got a nice spread.
184
00:07:19,300 --> 00:07:21,100
Well, all right,
I'll be a sport, too.
185
00:07:21,100 --> 00:07:24,534
Come home from a saloon,
I'll bring a bottle of champagne.
186
00:07:24,534 --> 00:07:26,567
Maybe I'll even bring home
a whole maggot, huh?
187
00:07:26,567 --> 00:07:28,734
Oh, Archie!
188
00:07:30,334 --> 00:07:32,033
Edith, I gotta
keep tellin' ya,
189
00:07:32,033 --> 00:07:35,567
don't start things up with me
just before I go to work, huh?
190
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:39,000
You're still hangin' up
the line there.
191
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,634
MIKE: Yeah, oh, that really
sounds great, Professor.
192
00:07:41,634 --> 00:07:43,167
Yeah, we'd love to,
193
00:07:43,167 --> 00:07:44,300
and, hey, by the way,
194
00:07:44,300 --> 00:07:46,234
Gloria and I are both
looking forward
195
00:07:46,234 --> 00:07:47,667
to coming out to California.
196
00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:49,100
I mean,
we've never been there,
197
00:07:49,100 --> 00:07:51,534
and I think Joey's just
going to love it, our son.
198
00:07:51,534 --> 00:07:53,968
Yeah, we're all
really, really,
199
00:07:53,968 --> 00:07:55,601
looking forward
to the future.
200
00:07:55,601 --> 00:07:58,234
Here's a little something
from out of your past--
201
00:07:58,234 --> 00:08:00,067
( blows raspberry )
202
00:08:00,067 --> 00:08:02,534
Well, anyway,
203
00:08:02,534 --> 00:08:04,601
we'll see you tonight
at 7:30 then, right?
204
00:08:04,601 --> 00:08:06,033
Yeah, okay, goodbye.
205
00:08:06,033 --> 00:08:07,100
Who was that, honey?
206
00:08:07,100 --> 00:08:08,701
Honey, honey, that was
Professor Lyman King.
207
00:08:08,701 --> 00:08:09,901
He's the head
of my department,
208
00:08:09,901 --> 00:08:11,968
and he's in town
and wants to see me
209
00:08:11,968 --> 00:08:14,133
and he wants to meet you--
Michael, you're spitting.
210
00:08:14,133 --> 00:08:17,100
I know, I can't help it,
but he wants to see us both tonight
211
00:08:17,100 --> 00:08:19,801
at the Oak room
of the Plaza Hotel at 7:30 for dinner!
212
00:08:19,801 --> 00:08:21,601
He wants to meet me?
213
00:08:21,601 --> 00:08:23,200
Yeah, and he wants
to meet me!
214
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:24,234
What'll I wear?
215
00:08:24,234 --> 00:08:25,567
How 'bout clothing?
216
00:08:25,567 --> 00:08:27,167
What should I do
with my hair?
217
00:08:27,167 --> 00:08:29,000
Bring it along.
218
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,968
And what about
my fingernails?
219
00:08:30,968 --> 00:08:32,000
Bring them, too.
220
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:34,033
Oh, what am I
gonna say to him?
221
00:08:34,033 --> 00:08:36,734
How 'bout, uh,
"How do you like my hair and my fingernails"?
222
00:08:36,734 --> 00:08:40,434
Oh, Michael,
the Plaza Hotel.
223
00:08:40,434 --> 00:08:41,467
Huh?
224
00:08:41,467 --> 00:08:43,367
Oh, but do you think
Ma will mind?
225
00:08:43,367 --> 00:08:44,767
Why should Ma mind?
226
00:08:44,767 --> 00:08:46,434
Well, because...
227
00:08:46,434 --> 00:08:48,467
she's making that
big dinner for us tonight.
228
00:08:48,467 --> 00:08:52,701
Oh, gee, I forgot
all about that.
229
00:08:52,701 --> 00:08:55,133
Honey, this is--
230
00:08:55,133 --> 00:08:57,667
It's very important
that I meet this guy.
231
00:08:57,667 --> 00:09:00,334
Yeah,
and at the Plaza Hotel.
232
00:09:00,334 --> 00:09:01,434
Yeah.
233
00:09:01,434 --> 00:09:03,701
Oh, honey,
she'll understand that.
234
00:09:03,701 --> 00:09:04,968
Yeah, she's gotta
understand this, right?
235
00:09:04,968 --> 00:09:07,133
Yeah, why don't you
go on in and tell her,
236
00:09:07,133 --> 00:09:08,701
because I gotta phone Trudy
237
00:09:08,701 --> 00:09:10,734
and see if I can borrow
her fur chubby.
238
00:09:10,734 --> 00:09:12,667
She'll understand,
right, honey? Yes.
239
00:09:12,667 --> 00:09:14,033
Yeah, there's
no problem, right? No.
240
00:09:14,033 --> 00:09:15,167
No, there's no problem.
No.
241
00:09:15,167 --> 00:09:17,567
There's no problem,
right? Right.
242
00:09:17,567 --> 00:09:19,901
( sighs )
243
00:09:19,901 --> 00:09:22,300
There's a problem.
244
00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:23,534
Oh, hi, Mike.
245
00:09:23,534 --> 00:09:24,534
Hi, Ma.
246
00:09:24,534 --> 00:09:25,868
Wow.
247
00:09:25,868 --> 00:09:28,868
Wow, look at all this food
that you're preparing
248
00:09:28,868 --> 00:09:29,901
just for us tonight.
249
00:09:29,901 --> 00:09:31,567
Yeah.
250
00:09:31,567 --> 00:09:33,033
It looks good.
251
00:09:33,033 --> 00:09:35,300
I bet you went to a lot
of trouble, huh?
252
00:09:35,300 --> 00:09:38,067
Oh, no, it ain't
no trouble, Mike.
253
00:09:38,067 --> 00:09:39,667
I'm glad I got
somethin' to do.
254
00:09:39,667 --> 00:09:43,534
It takes my mind
off of your going away.
255
00:09:43,534 --> 00:09:47,033
Oh, my.
256
00:09:47,033 --> 00:09:50,067
Uh, I better
go talk to Gloria.
257
00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:51,734
Well, I got the coat.
258
00:09:51,734 --> 00:09:53,467
Oh, honey.
259
00:09:53,467 --> 00:09:55,067
Oh, are you all right?
I'm sorry.
260
00:09:55,067 --> 00:09:56,934
It's all right.
I deserved it.
261
00:09:56,934 --> 00:09:59,100
Oh, well, I just
came in here to say
262
00:09:59,100 --> 00:10:01,267
I have figured out
what to wear tonight.
263
00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:02,734
Oh, what?
264
00:10:02,734 --> 00:10:06,067
I'm gonna wear
my beautiful, blue cocktail dress
265
00:10:06,067 --> 00:10:07,100
with your pearls, Ma.
266
00:10:07,100 --> 00:10:08,234
Uh, honey,
we'd better talk.
267
00:10:08,234 --> 00:10:11,067
You don't have
to dress up tonight.
268
00:10:11,067 --> 00:10:12,100
Honey,
we'd better talk.
269
00:10:12,100 --> 00:10:13,133
Yes, I do.
270
00:10:13,133 --> 00:10:14,934
Honey, I think
we'd better talk.
271
00:10:14,934 --> 00:10:16,467
Well, aren't you
gonna dress up, honey?
272
00:10:16,467 --> 00:10:18,567
No, he don't
have to dress up.
273
00:10:18,567 --> 00:10:21,667
I ain't gonna dress up,
and I know Archie ain't--
274
00:10:25,267 --> 00:10:27,834
Well, Ma, you and Daddy
don't have to dress up,
275
00:10:27,834 --> 00:10:29,167
'cause you're not
goin' to dinner.
276
00:10:29,167 --> 00:10:31,901
That's right, we ain't
got no place to go
277
00:10:31,901 --> 00:10:33,133
'cause we're here.
278
00:10:35,133 --> 00:10:36,701
Michael,
didn't you tell Ma
279
00:10:36,701 --> 00:10:38,367
that you and I are havin'
dinner tonight
280
00:10:38,367 --> 00:10:39,701
at the Plaza Hotel?
281
00:10:39,701 --> 00:10:42,567
No, honey,
I--I think you just did.
282
00:10:42,567 --> 00:10:46,100
Uh, I'll see you later.
283
00:10:46,100 --> 00:10:48,133
I'm sorry, honey.
284
00:10:48,133 --> 00:10:50,334
I'm just, uh,
too uncomfortable
285
00:10:50,334 --> 00:10:53,167
to stay in the room
anymore.
286
00:10:53,167 --> 00:10:56,501
Gee, Ma, I'm sorry
about the mix-up.
287
00:10:56,501 --> 00:10:58,534
I thought Michael
already told you.
288
00:10:58,534 --> 00:11:01,534
That phone call
was from his new boss,
289
00:11:01,534 --> 00:11:05,167
and he's in town
and he wants to take us out to dinner tonight.
290
00:11:05,167 --> 00:11:07,467
Oh.
291
00:11:07,467 --> 00:11:10,167
To the Plaza Hotel, Ma.
292
00:11:10,167 --> 00:11:12,467
Isn't that great?
293
00:11:14,300 --> 00:11:19,601
Well, you been going out
so much all week
294
00:11:19,601 --> 00:11:21,267
to your
goodbye parties,
295
00:11:21,267 --> 00:11:24,934
I thought we was gonna have
our own goodbye party.
296
00:11:24,934 --> 00:11:30,534
Yeah, but I think
having this meeting with the professor
297
00:11:30,534 --> 00:11:32,200
is pretty important.
298
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:34,133
Oh.
299
00:11:34,133 --> 00:11:35,901
I know what we can do.
300
00:11:35,901 --> 00:11:38,834
We can invite
the professor here!
301
00:11:38,834 --> 00:11:40,601
We got plenty of food.
302
00:11:40,601 --> 00:11:44,200
That way we can kill
two birds with one turkey.
303
00:11:47,734 --> 00:11:51,100
I don't think Daddy
and the professor should meet.
304
00:11:52,634 --> 00:11:56,467
Gloria, your father
ain't stupid,
305
00:11:56,467 --> 00:11:58,767
no matter what people say.
306
00:12:00,834 --> 00:12:01,968
( sighs )
307
00:12:01,968 --> 00:12:05,767
Ma, can you imagine
this Professor King
308
00:12:05,767 --> 00:12:08,801
trading viewpoints
with Archie Bunker?
309
00:12:08,801 --> 00:12:11,300
I don't think
it would be bad.
310
00:12:11,300 --> 00:12:13,834
Ma, it would be like
Eric Sevareid
311
00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:16,701
trying to talk
to Fred Flintstone.
312
00:12:19,601 --> 00:12:21,901
It would be a disaster.
313
00:12:21,901 --> 00:12:26,133
I'm sorry, Ma, but I think
we'd better go out.
314
00:12:26,133 --> 00:12:29,167
You don't really mind,
do ya?
315
00:12:29,167 --> 00:12:32,868
Oh, no, you go ahead.
316
00:12:32,868 --> 00:12:33,901
Yeah, go ahead.
317
00:12:33,901 --> 00:12:36,467
You and Mike go out, yeah.
318
00:12:36,467 --> 00:12:40,868
Archie and me'll
stay here and have turkey...
319
00:12:42,300 --> 00:12:44,367
and string beans
320
00:12:44,367 --> 00:12:48,033
and the cranberries
are homemade, not in a can,
321
00:12:48,033 --> 00:12:50,334
and the broccoli
with the hollandaise sauce
322
00:12:50,334 --> 00:12:51,534
I made myself,
323
00:12:51,534 --> 00:12:53,968
and the apple pie, homemade
with sharp cheese on it,
324
00:12:53,968 --> 00:12:57,234
and--and two kinds
of mashed potatoes
325
00:12:57,234 --> 00:12:58,501
and chestnut stuffing--
326
00:12:58,501 --> 00:13:00,434
Oh, and if there's
anything left over,
327
00:13:00,434 --> 00:13:02,300
I'll take it
to the Sunshine Home
328
00:13:02,300 --> 00:13:04,033
where they'll appreciate it.
329
00:13:06,968 --> 00:13:09,767
I guess if you're
ashamed of your father,
330
00:13:09,767 --> 00:13:12,434
you must be
ashamed of me, too.
331
00:13:27,534 --> 00:13:31,601
ARCHIE: * Just a gigolo,
everywhere I go *
332
00:13:31,601 --> 00:13:34,033
♪ People know
the part I'm playing ♪
333
00:13:34,033 --> 00:13:38,200
♪ Paid for every dance,
selling each romance ♪
334
00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:40,200
Hey, Edith, I'm home.
335
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:45,567
Oh, Archie!
336
00:13:45,567 --> 00:13:49,234
I got dinner all ready,
right on time.
337
00:13:49,234 --> 00:13:51,267
Aw, terrific.
338
00:13:51,267 --> 00:13:52,901
Hey, and look what
I got here, huh?
339
00:13:52,901 --> 00:13:54,300
Take a look at this.
340
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:55,701
Oh, my!
341
00:13:55,701 --> 00:13:59,567
This is real 1976
imitation vintage there, Edith.
342
00:14:00,968 --> 00:14:02,934
I don't care what the hell
you do with this junk,
343
00:14:02,934 --> 00:14:06,067
but put Lady Bubbles
right on the ice. Go ahead now.
344
00:14:06,067 --> 00:14:08,901
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
How come only two plates here?
345
00:14:08,901 --> 00:14:10,834
That's all we need.
346
00:14:10,834 --> 00:14:15,067
Uh, you mean a couple
eatin' off each plate here?
347
00:14:15,067 --> 00:14:17,801
Like dogs
in an Alpo commercial?
348
00:14:22,200 --> 00:14:24,434
There's been
a change of plans.
349
00:14:24,434 --> 00:14:27,801
Mike and Gloria
are eatin' out tonight.
350
00:14:27,801 --> 00:14:31,634
Mike--they're eatin'--
hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
351
00:14:31,634 --> 00:14:34,234
Get back here!
Get back here!
352
00:14:34,234 --> 00:14:35,167
Edith!
353
00:14:37,901 --> 00:14:39,734
What the hell's goin' on?
354
00:14:39,734 --> 00:14:43,100
Mike's professor is in town.
355
00:14:43,100 --> 00:14:45,634
He's--wait a minute!
Get back, Edith! Edith! Edith!
356
00:14:45,634 --> 00:14:49,133
Edith, please, more, more!
357
00:14:49,133 --> 00:14:53,033
It's important that they
have dinner with him.
358
00:14:53,033 --> 00:14:56,534
Well, wait a minute!
Wait, wait, wait!
359
00:14:56,534 --> 00:14:59,534
Wait a minute!
What are you saying to me?
360
00:14:59,534 --> 00:15:03,100
It's more important for them
to have dinner with him
361
00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:05,434
than with
their next of skin?
362
00:15:07,701 --> 00:15:10,300
That's what
Gloria thinks.
363
00:15:10,300 --> 00:15:13,200
That's what--Oh,
that's what Gloria thinks.
364
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:15,501
Well, do you know
what I think, Edith?
365
00:15:15,501 --> 00:15:17,834
I think that there's
a meathead in the woodpile.
366
00:15:17,834 --> 00:15:20,467
Oh, no, no, please,
don't talk to 'em,
367
00:15:20,467 --> 00:15:22,267
not now, Archie.
They're gettin' dressed.
368
00:15:22,267 --> 00:15:23,300
Don't bother.
369
00:15:23,300 --> 00:15:24,334
Hey,
youse two up there.
370
00:15:24,334 --> 00:15:26,067
Come down. I wanna
talk to youse there.
371
00:15:26,067 --> 00:15:28,033
No, Archie, please
don't have a fight
372
00:15:28,033 --> 00:15:30,033
the last night
they're here.
373
00:15:30,033 --> 00:15:31,701
There ain't
gonna be no fight.
374
00:15:31,701 --> 00:15:34,868
I'm gonna yell at them,
and they're gonna listen to me.
375
00:15:34,868 --> 00:15:37,534
I wanna hear it
from their own two mouths
376
00:15:37,534 --> 00:15:40,067
that they ain't
got no respect for their mother.
377
00:15:40,067 --> 00:15:43,200
Hey, Edith,
it's in the Bible there.
378
00:15:43,200 --> 00:15:45,133
Honor thy parents there.
379
00:15:45,133 --> 00:15:48,367
That's one of the Lord's
top ten commandments, huh?
380
00:15:48,367 --> 00:15:49,934
That's right around
381
00:15:49,934 --> 00:15:54,100
covetin' your neighbor's, uh,
cattles and wives and asses.
382
00:15:57,367 --> 00:16:00,601
That's gotta be number three,
or at least number four.
383
00:16:00,601 --> 00:16:01,968
It's five.
384
00:16:01,968 --> 00:16:04,167
It's still
good at five.
385
00:16:04,167 --> 00:16:06,200
Come on down, youse two,
I wanna talk to ya.
386
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:08,133
Archie, come on, sit down
and eat your dinner.
387
00:16:08,133 --> 00:16:12,634
I already got mad at Gloria
enough for the both of us.
388
00:16:12,634 --> 00:16:15,234
Let me get mad enough
for myself, would you?
389
00:16:15,234 --> 00:16:18,133
But Gloria and me
apologized to each other,
390
00:16:18,133 --> 00:16:20,667
and now it's all right
with me.
391
00:16:20,667 --> 00:16:22,701
But it ain't
all right with me.
392
00:16:22,701 --> 00:16:23,734
Sit down, Archie.
393
00:16:23,734 --> 00:16:26,767
They gotta think
of Mike's career.
394
00:16:26,767 --> 00:16:30,767
I mean,
they got their whole lives ahead of 'em.
395
00:16:30,767 --> 00:16:32,234
I don't want
their whole lives.
396
00:16:32,234 --> 00:16:35,000
I only want 'em
here for tonight.
397
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:36,968
Well, here,
I'll find out-- Shh.
398
00:16:36,968 --> 00:16:38,534
Hiya, Daddy.
399
00:16:40,200 --> 00:16:42,834
Hi, Gloria.
400
00:16:46,868 --> 00:16:48,267
I hope you understand
401
00:16:48,267 --> 00:16:50,934
why we won't be eatin'
with you tonight.
402
00:16:50,934 --> 00:16:53,267
Uh, like I was
sayin' there, Edith,
403
00:16:53,267 --> 00:16:57,033
the way my old man taught me
the ten commandments, see,
404
00:16:57,033 --> 00:16:58,267
he said it this way--
405
00:16:58,267 --> 00:17:02,901
"Honor thy father,
and thy poor mother, too,
406
00:17:02,901 --> 00:17:07,734
"be you Baptist, Methodist,
Lutheran, or Jew,
407
00:17:07,734 --> 00:17:12,367
and if thee don't do that,
I'll set fire to thou."
408
00:17:13,968 --> 00:17:15,567
And so saith the Lord,
409
00:17:15,567 --> 00:17:17,567
as he stepped off
of the Mayflower.
410
00:17:20,667 --> 00:17:22,634
Arch,
can I say something?
411
00:17:22,634 --> 00:17:24,667
Not to me, buddy.
412
00:17:24,667 --> 00:17:28,734
No. Edith,
ain't it funny--
413
00:17:28,734 --> 00:17:29,934
ain't funny, huh,
414
00:17:29,934 --> 00:17:33,067
the way when children
are young and little,
415
00:17:33,067 --> 00:17:34,701
you never know
that they're gonna grow up
416
00:17:34,701 --> 00:17:36,801
to give you the shaft.
417
00:17:36,801 --> 00:17:38,801
Pass the beans,
huh, darlin'?
418
00:17:40,834 --> 00:17:44,267
Daddy, you're making me
feel terrible.
419
00:17:44,267 --> 00:17:46,767
Did I hear
a voice, Edith?
420
00:17:46,767 --> 00:17:49,033
Yeah, Gloria said
421
00:17:49,033 --> 00:17:52,033
that you're makin' her
feel terrible.
422
00:17:52,033 --> 00:17:53,367
I done good, huh?
423
00:17:54,434 --> 00:17:56,667
Come on, honey,
let's go.
424
00:17:56,667 --> 00:17:59,434
Michael,
I can't stand this.
425
00:17:59,434 --> 00:18:00,467
Gloria, don't you see
426
00:18:00,467 --> 00:18:01,934
what he's trying
to do to you?
427
00:18:01,934 --> 00:18:03,167
Well,
he's already done it.
428
00:18:03,167 --> 00:18:04,767
I can't go now.
429
00:18:04,767 --> 00:18:06,334
What do you mean
you can't go?
430
00:18:06,334 --> 00:18:08,367
Honey, this is the most
important night of my life.
431
00:18:08,367 --> 00:18:09,501
I know. I'm sorry.
432
00:18:09,501 --> 00:18:11,033
Then you'll have
to go by yourself.
433
00:18:11,033 --> 00:18:13,701
Go by mys--I'm not
gonna go without you.
434
00:18:13,701 --> 00:18:16,234
But, Michael, I have
to stay here with them,
435
00:18:16,234 --> 00:18:19,634
so you will have
to go by yourself.
436
00:18:19,634 --> 00:18:20,801
All right, all right,
437
00:18:20,801 --> 00:18:22,567
you want me to go
by myself? Fine.
438
00:18:22,567 --> 00:18:24,501
I'll go by myself.
Goodbye.
439
00:18:24,501 --> 00:18:28,133
Wait a minute.
Where are you going?
440
00:18:28,133 --> 00:18:29,667
You told me
to go by myself.
441
00:18:29,667 --> 00:18:31,133
Well,
I didn't mean it.
442
00:18:37,834 --> 00:18:39,534
You know, Edith,
443
00:18:39,534 --> 00:18:41,300
I once read
in Emily Post there,
444
00:18:41,300 --> 00:18:44,501
that whispering in the far
corners of the room
445
00:18:44,501 --> 00:18:47,300
is a very low-class
thing to do.
446
00:18:51,300 --> 00:18:52,334
No.
Gloria.
447
00:18:52,334 --> 00:18:53,367
Shh!
Glori--
448
00:18:53,367 --> 00:18:55,701
Glor--Glori--
449
00:18:58,701 --> 00:19:01,501
Ma, am I still invited
to eat dinner with you?
450
00:19:01,501 --> 00:19:02,534
Oh, su--
451
00:19:02,534 --> 00:19:04,701
Uh, bless this food
to, uh, youse,
452
00:19:04,701 --> 00:19:06,234
oh, Lord there,
453
00:19:06,234 --> 00:19:09,701
and please forgive parties
we don't have to mention
454
00:19:09,701 --> 00:19:11,367
for wasting a good
dinner like this
455
00:19:11,367 --> 00:19:13,968
when there's starvation
in the Bronx and Panama.
456
00:19:15,767 --> 00:19:17,300
Am I still invited?
457
00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:21,133
Oh, sure, Gloria.
Get yourself a plate.
458
00:19:21,133 --> 00:19:22,968
How about you,
Mike?
459
00:19:27,234 --> 00:19:28,834
All right.
460
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:32,834
All right, I'll call up
Professor King,
461
00:19:32,834 --> 00:19:34,634
and I'll tell him
that I'm canceling out
462
00:19:34,634 --> 00:19:36,567
on the most important
night of my life,
463
00:19:36,567 --> 00:19:38,467
and maybe, just maybe,
he won't be so insulted
464
00:19:38,467 --> 00:19:41,067
that he'll never
speak to me again for the rest of my life.
465
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:46,367
I hope
this pleases you, Daddy.
466
00:19:46,367 --> 00:19:47,901
Well, let me tell you,
little girl,
467
00:19:47,901 --> 00:19:50,334
a sour-puss never
afflicts my appetite,
468
00:19:50,334 --> 00:19:52,100
you know?
469
00:19:52,100 --> 00:19:53,601
It looks good, Ma.
470
00:19:53,601 --> 00:19:54,767
Oh, thank you.
471
00:19:54,767 --> 00:19:56,400
Well, I mean,
it ain't exactly
472
00:19:56,400 --> 00:19:58,567
the Plaza bill
affair there,
473
00:19:58,567 --> 00:20:01,334
but I think you'll find it
tasty, you know?
474
00:20:01,334 --> 00:20:03,167
Your poor mother
was in the kitchen all day
475
00:20:03,167 --> 00:20:04,901
cookin' herself
unconscious.
476
00:20:05,968 --> 00:20:09,133
Oh, I ain't unconscious.
477
00:20:10,834 --> 00:20:13,334
Yes, you are.
Look at yourself.
478
00:20:14,601 --> 00:20:16,801
I'm sorry, Professor,
479
00:20:16,801 --> 00:20:18,634
we really can't
make it tonight.
480
00:20:18,634 --> 00:20:22,734
No, uh, well, there's
a sickness in the family.
481
00:20:22,734 --> 00:20:25,400
Yeah,
it's my father-in-law.
482
00:20:25,400 --> 00:20:28,767
No, no, no, it's just
that he's not normal.
483
00:20:30,467 --> 00:20:34,400
All right, well, we'll see you
out in Santa Barbara.
484
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:35,901
Yeah, goodbye.
485
00:20:45,067 --> 00:20:47,434
( sighs )
Oh, boy.
486
00:20:47,434 --> 00:20:49,267
( sighs )
487
00:20:53,334 --> 00:20:55,467
Ain't this nice?
488
00:20:57,100 --> 00:21:00,601
The whole
family together.
489
00:21:03,834 --> 00:21:05,734
Have some turkey, Mike.
490
00:21:05,734 --> 00:21:06,901
I don't want any,
Ma.
491
00:21:06,901 --> 00:21:09,367
Oh, how about
chestnut stuffing?
492
00:21:09,367 --> 00:21:10,434
I'm not hungry.
493
00:21:10,434 --> 00:21:11,434
Oh, come on.
494
00:21:11,434 --> 00:21:13,334
All right,
I'll have a little.
495
00:21:38,667 --> 00:21:39,801
You know, Edith,
496
00:21:39,801 --> 00:21:41,501
it's terrific
how a mountain of food
497
00:21:41,501 --> 00:21:44,367
knocks the hell
out of sadness.
498
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:50,467
( crunching loudly )
499
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:59,133
( crunches )
500
00:22:01,300 --> 00:22:02,634
You ever notice, Edith,
501
00:22:02,634 --> 00:22:04,400
how some people eat celery
502
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:06,100
and make it sound
like a gorilla
503
00:22:06,100 --> 00:22:08,033
eatin' the bark
off of a tree?
504
00:22:09,367 --> 00:22:11,100
I ain't mentioning
nobody in particular.
505
00:22:11,100 --> 00:22:13,133
I just glance at the party
and whistle, you know.
506
00:22:13,133 --> 00:22:14,167
( whistles )
507
00:22:17,334 --> 00:22:21,100
And, Ma,
you know how a father
508
00:22:21,100 --> 00:22:22,400
gets his daughter
509
00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:24,367
to do anything
that he wants her to do
510
00:22:24,367 --> 00:22:25,400
at any time?
511
00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:28,701
He makes her feel
like a bad little girl.
512
00:22:28,701 --> 00:22:30,667
He makes her feel guilty.
513
00:22:30,667 --> 00:22:32,300
( crunches )
514
00:22:33,767 --> 00:22:36,767
Edith, you know what
makes a bad little girl
515
00:22:36,767 --> 00:22:38,300
feel guilty?
516
00:22:38,300 --> 00:22:41,033
Nothin' that her
dear daddy ever done.
517
00:22:41,033 --> 00:22:44,400
Somethin' that
she done herself.
518
00:22:44,400 --> 00:22:48,834
For instance, honorin'
an ignorant, "ingrateful,"
519
00:22:48,834 --> 00:22:50,100
meat-headed husband,
520
00:22:50,100 --> 00:22:51,868
instead of her darlin'
mother and father!
521
00:22:51,868 --> 00:22:53,901
He threw food.
522
00:22:55,334 --> 00:22:57,567
And do you know how
to get away from a man
523
00:22:57,567 --> 00:23:00,033
who insults you
and calls you names
524
00:23:00,033 --> 00:23:02,868
and criticizes the way
you eat, the way you dress,
525
00:23:02,868 --> 00:23:04,501
the way you talk,
the way you think,
526
00:23:04,501 --> 00:23:06,234
for eight years?!
527
00:23:06,234 --> 00:23:08,968
You move out to California
as fast as you can!
528
00:23:08,968 --> 00:23:10,200
Hold it,
hold it, hold it.
529
00:23:10,200 --> 00:23:11,868
I got one more thing
to ask Edith.
530
00:23:11,868 --> 00:23:13,033
You gotta
listen to this.
531
00:23:13,033 --> 00:23:15,801
Edith, do you know how
to get to California
532
00:23:15,801 --> 00:23:17,534
as fast as you can?
533
00:23:17,534 --> 00:23:18,934
You take the next plane!
534
00:23:18,934 --> 00:23:21,501
You don't wait
to take a plane tomorrow!
535
00:23:21,501 --> 00:23:23,300
Thanks for
the suggestion, Arch!
536
00:23:23,300 --> 00:23:24,901
Adios, amigo!
537
00:23:24,901 --> 00:23:25,934
Come on, Gloria.
538
00:23:25,934 --> 00:23:27,367
Right now we're
getting out of here!
539
00:23:27,367 --> 00:23:28,801
We are leaving
right now!
540
00:23:28,801 --> 00:23:32,067
I am not staying
in this loony bin one more minute!
541
00:23:32,067 --> 00:23:33,100
This loony bin
542
00:23:33,100 --> 00:23:35,100
happens to be
my father's house.
543
00:23:35,100 --> 00:23:37,033
That's why
it's a loony bin!
544
00:23:40,067 --> 00:23:42,901
Hey, little girl,
there's no sense in trying to talk to a meathead.
545
00:23:42,901 --> 00:23:44,200
And, for once
and for all,
546
00:23:44,200 --> 00:23:46,467
you stop calling
my husband a meathead.
547
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:52,834
MIKE: Joey, Joey!
548
00:23:52,834 --> 00:23:55,701
Archie, Archie,
they mean it.
549
00:23:55,701 --> 00:23:58,000
They're really
goin' tonight.
550
00:23:58,000 --> 00:23:59,501
They wouldn't stay
for the last dinner.
551
00:23:59,501 --> 00:24:01,367
What the hell
do I care what they do?
552
00:24:01,367 --> 00:24:04,400
Archie, please
do something.
553
00:24:04,400 --> 00:24:07,133
Oh, I am certainly gonna
do something, Edith.
554
00:24:07,133 --> 00:24:10,367
I'm gonna hold open
that front door for them.
555
00:24:10,367 --> 00:24:11,934
No!
556
00:24:39,601 --> 00:24:41,567
ROB REINER: All in the Family
was recorded on tape
557
00:24:41,567 --> 00:24:43,634
before a live audience.
558
00:24:43,684 --> 00:24:48,234
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