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1
00:00:01,667 --> 00:00:04,701
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:04,701 --> 00:00:08,100
♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪
3
00:00:08,100 --> 00:00:11,033
♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪
4
00:00:11,033 --> 00:00:13,634
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:13,634 --> 00:00:17,234
♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪
6
00:00:17,234 --> 00:00:20,434
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪
7
00:00:20,434 --> 00:00:25,601
♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:25,601 --> 00:00:28,767
♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪
9
00:00:28,767 --> 00:00:31,834
♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪
10
00:00:31,834 --> 00:00:36,133
♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪
11
00:00:36,133 --> 00:00:40,300
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:45,400 --> 00:00:47,968
Ma, this is delicious!
Superb.
13
00:00:47,968 --> 00:00:49,934
You are a wonderful cook, Edith.
14
00:00:49,934 --> 00:00:52,367
Thank you, Gloria.
Thank you, Mike.
15
00:00:52,367 --> 00:00:54,834
Thank you, Aunt Iola.
16
00:00:54,834 --> 00:00:57,234
Aren't you gonna
say anything, Archie?
17
00:00:57,234 --> 00:00:59,100
( belches )
18
00:01:01,667 --> 00:01:04,434
Thank you, Archie.
Yeah.
19
00:01:04,434 --> 00:01:06,667
Ah, Daddy...
20
00:01:08,367 --> 00:01:12,968
Ow! Don't pull hairs out of
the back of your father's hand.
21
00:01:12,968 --> 00:01:14,801
Don't never do that
no more!
22
00:01:14,801 --> 00:01:17,367
You mean, "Don't ever
do that again."
23
00:01:17,367 --> 00:01:20,534
When are you going to learn
to speak English?
24
00:01:20,534 --> 00:01:23,033
When I visit England.
25
00:01:23,033 --> 00:01:25,968
And during the last two weeks
of your visit,
26
00:01:25,968 --> 00:01:28,567
I was thinking about
giving up home, business and family
27
00:01:28,567 --> 00:01:32,534
and runnin' over there--
fag country or no.
28
00:01:32,534 --> 00:01:36,367
Please, let's not have
no arg--I mean, any arguments
29
00:01:36,367 --> 00:01:39,234
on Aunt Iola's last night.
30
00:01:39,234 --> 00:01:41,534
I want to propose
a toast. Oh, let me.
31
00:01:41,534 --> 00:01:47,701
To Iola, my favorite aunt
and the perfect houseguest.
32
00:01:47,701 --> 00:01:49,934
ALL: To Iola!
GLORIA: We love you!
33
00:01:49,934 --> 00:01:52,133
Oh, thank you, thank you.
34
00:01:52,133 --> 00:01:56,234
I just know I'm not going to
enjoy the next two weeks at Cousin Sidney's
35
00:01:56,234 --> 00:02:00,467
half as much as I've enjoyed
these last two weeks with you.
36
00:02:00,467 --> 00:02:03,834
It's been such a pleasure
seeing sweet Gloria,
37
00:02:03,834 --> 00:02:07,133
darling Mike,
cute little Joey,
38
00:02:07,133 --> 00:02:09,868
and dear Edith.
Oh....
39
00:02:12,667 --> 00:02:14,133
And?
40
00:02:14,133 --> 00:02:16,567
That's all.
41
00:02:19,234 --> 00:02:22,701
I'll clear the table.
I'll wash, Ma.
42
00:02:22,701 --> 00:02:25,133
What can I do?
Oh, nothing.
43
00:02:25,133 --> 00:02:28,400
You relax. You got
a long bus ride ahead of you.
44
00:02:31,667 --> 00:02:33,934
What are you gonna do,
sit there like a lump?
45
00:02:35,767 --> 00:02:40,234
In my own house, Iola,
I don't never have to do nothin'.
46
00:02:40,234 --> 00:02:44,033
You mean, you never
have to do anything.
47
00:02:44,033 --> 00:02:47,234
You don't use a double negative.
48
00:02:47,234 --> 00:02:50,601
Why don't you tell that
to the guy that wrote No, No, Nanette.
49
00:02:52,334 --> 00:02:54,934
I seem to have
lost something.
50
00:02:54,934 --> 00:02:57,534
One of my knitting needles.
51
00:03:02,767 --> 00:03:06,534
I think I found it for ya,
Iola. Here.
52
00:03:07,767 --> 00:03:11,501
Aunt Iola, I made ya
a nice snack for the bus.
53
00:03:11,501 --> 00:03:14,100
Oh, thank you.
I'll put it in here.
54
00:03:14,100 --> 00:03:17,100
Auntie Iola, I found
this book in the kitchen.
55
00:03:17,100 --> 00:03:19,701
Is it yours?
Sex After Sixty.
56
00:03:19,701 --> 00:03:21,501
Yes. Yes, dear.
57
00:03:21,501 --> 00:03:23,534
Is it any good?
58
00:03:23,534 --> 00:03:27,534
It's terrific.
The book isn't bad, either.
59
00:03:27,534 --> 00:03:30,033
There you go.
60
00:03:30,033 --> 00:03:32,334
( laughing )
61
00:03:33,400 --> 00:03:36,067
You're such a caution!
62
00:03:36,067 --> 00:03:37,534
( laughing )
63
00:03:37,534 --> 00:03:39,601
Yeah, yeah...
64
00:03:39,601 --> 00:03:41,801
sex after sixty.
65
00:03:41,801 --> 00:03:47,300
I didn't think that
you was interested in science fiction, Iola.
66
00:03:47,300 --> 00:03:52,501
After sixty,
those are close encounters of the best kind.
67
00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:58,167
It's getting late.
I'd better finish my packing.
68
00:03:58,167 --> 00:04:00,000
Shouldn't you
call me a cab, Edith?
69
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:02,767
I know what
I'd like to call her.
70
00:04:02,767 --> 00:04:06,434
No, it ain't necessary.
See, Archie's gonna take you to the bus.
71
00:04:06,434 --> 00:04:09,367
He borrowed Mr. Munson's cab.
72
00:04:09,367 --> 00:04:13,934
Oh, Archie,
she's such a nice woman.
73
00:04:13,934 --> 00:04:16,167
Why can't you like her?
74
00:04:16,167 --> 00:04:18,200
'Cause I like my privacy!
75
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:22,133
Well, you've been private.
She's had her own room.
76
00:04:22,133 --> 00:04:25,434
I never knew when she'd
come poppin' outta there.
77
00:04:25,434 --> 00:04:29,734
Maybe I like to run
around the house in my drawers.
78
00:04:29,734 --> 00:04:33,367
Maybe I like to run
around the house without my drawers.
79
00:04:33,367 --> 00:04:36,434
You never done that
in your life.
80
00:04:36,434 --> 00:04:39,367
Well, maybe lately
I got the urge to do that!
81
00:04:40,667 --> 00:04:44,434
And with her here,
I felt inhabited!
82
00:04:46,767 --> 00:04:49,133
The Reader's Digest says
83
00:04:49,133 --> 00:04:52,567
that the reason some people
don't like old people
84
00:04:52,567 --> 00:04:57,534
is because they remind them that
they're gonna be old someday.
85
00:04:57,534 --> 00:05:00,901
Well, for once
the Reader's Digest is right.
86
00:05:00,901 --> 00:05:04,200
But I don't need Iola
to remind me that I'm gettin' old.
87
00:05:04,200 --> 00:05:07,667
I mean, I can see that
with all my gray hairs.
88
00:05:07,667 --> 00:05:10,200
Which are all over me now.
89
00:05:12,601 --> 00:05:14,667
Yeah, I know.
90
00:05:16,834 --> 00:05:21,334
But I'm gonna miss Aunt Iola.
She's been a big help to me.
91
00:05:21,334 --> 00:05:24,000
Why, she made her bed every day.
92
00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:25,701
She cleaned her room.
93
00:05:25,701 --> 00:05:28,834
And she went shoppin'
with me. All right.
94
00:05:28,834 --> 00:05:32,667
She showed me how to
pick out a ripe pineapple. All right.
95
00:05:32,667 --> 00:05:34,767
You know those green things
on the top?
96
00:05:34,767 --> 00:05:37,234
Well, if you can
pull one out real easy,
97
00:05:37,234 --> 00:05:39,567
that means it's ripe.
All right.
98
00:05:39,567 --> 00:05:42,200
But if it's hard
to pull out, then it ain't ripe.
99
00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:46,634
Old Mr. Bellini
got so mad at me down at Ferguson's Market,
100
00:05:46,634 --> 00:05:49,000
he didn't like me
pulling 'em out,
101
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:52,367
and then they'd get on the floor
and he has to sweep 'em all up.
102
00:05:52,367 --> 00:05:54,701
He thinks I'm ruining
the pineapple,
103
00:05:54,701 --> 00:05:56,534
but I said to him, I says,
104
00:05:56,534 --> 00:06:00,067
"If you pull it out real easy,
that means it's ripe,
105
00:06:00,067 --> 00:06:01,667
"but if it's hard to pull out,
106
00:06:01,667 --> 00:06:04,100
"well, that means
it ain't ripe."
107
00:06:04,100 --> 00:06:07,300
He oughta teach that
to his customers.
108
00:06:14,901 --> 00:06:17,767
Aunt Iola taught me that.
109
00:06:17,767 --> 00:06:21,567
Just because she's old
don't mean she ain't useful.
110
00:06:21,567 --> 00:06:25,100
You're talkin' to the dead,
Edith.
111
00:06:25,100 --> 00:06:29,667
Archie, did she ever
do anything mean to you?
112
00:06:29,667 --> 00:06:33,133
She was the one who said
you shouldn't marry me!
113
00:06:33,133 --> 00:06:36,634
Oh, she ain't the only one
that said that.
114
00:06:38,133 --> 00:06:40,734
She's the one I heard
telling your mother that!
115
00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:43,968
Are you sure it wasn't
my mother telling her?
116
00:06:43,968 --> 00:06:46,701
I know what I remember.
117
00:06:46,701 --> 00:06:51,067
She wanted you to marry
that stuck-up, lace curtain Irish donkey
118
00:06:51,067 --> 00:06:53,100
Paddy O'Rourke.
119
00:06:53,100 --> 00:06:56,133
He was never stuck up.
120
00:06:56,133 --> 00:06:59,267
Oh, yes he was,
and so was his whole damn family.
121
00:06:59,267 --> 00:07:04,100
They was the kind of people
that keep fruit in the house even if nobody was sick.
122
00:07:04,100 --> 00:07:07,834
I'm glad I married you,
Archie.
123
00:07:07,834 --> 00:07:10,334
Fruit ain't everything.
124
00:07:10,334 --> 00:07:13,167
Listen, now that
we're alone, I wanna-- ( phone rings )
125
00:07:13,167 --> 00:07:15,400
I'll get that.
I'll get that, damnit!
126
00:07:15,400 --> 00:07:19,567
Conversatin' with the wife
and the damn phone starts to ring!
127
00:07:19,567 --> 00:07:21,434
Hello.
128
00:07:21,434 --> 00:07:23,801
This is a recorded announcement.
129
00:07:23,801 --> 00:07:25,467
When you hear the tone signal,
130
00:07:25,467 --> 00:07:28,601
open your livin' room window
and jump out. ( raspberry )
131
00:07:28,601 --> 00:07:31,400
Do that!
Hello?
132
00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:34,000
Oh, hello, Sidney.
Sidney?!
133
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:35,767
It's Cousin Sidney.
Ahh!
134
00:07:35,767 --> 00:07:38,767
Oh, he didn't mean it.
The hell I didn't!
135
00:07:38,767 --> 00:07:39,767
Shh!
136
00:07:39,767 --> 00:07:42,868
No, she ain't left yet.
137
00:07:42,868 --> 00:07:45,100
She's leaving in
about an hour.
138
00:07:45,100 --> 00:07:46,701
Or less, we hope.
139
00:07:46,701 --> 00:07:48,667
Her bus gets in at--
140
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:53,534
Oh, my, that's terrible!
141
00:07:53,534 --> 00:07:56,100
Uh-oh.
142
00:07:56,100 --> 00:07:58,834
Oh, I'm so sorry.
143
00:07:58,834 --> 00:08:00,834
Uh-oh.
144
00:08:00,834 --> 00:08:03,567
Tell her to take care
of herself.
145
00:08:03,567 --> 00:08:06,934
Oh, don't worry,
we'll think of something.
146
00:08:06,934 --> 00:08:09,834
I washed the dishes, Ma.
Who was that?
147
00:08:09,834 --> 00:08:12,133
That was Cousin Sidney.
What's up?
148
00:08:12,133 --> 00:08:16,033
His wife has to have
her appendix taken out.
149
00:08:16,033 --> 00:08:18,767
She had that done
two years ago!
150
00:08:18,767 --> 00:08:21,534
I never heard of a wife
with a second appendix!
151
00:08:21,534 --> 00:08:23,601
This is his second wife.
152
00:08:23,601 --> 00:08:25,334
Oh.
153
00:08:25,334 --> 00:08:27,601
That don't matter to me.
You call Sidney,
154
00:08:27,601 --> 00:08:30,534
you tell Sidney
we're puttin' Iola on the bus,
155
00:08:30,534 --> 00:08:33,300
we're shippin' her off to him
as per schedule.
156
00:08:33,300 --> 00:08:36,133
But she can't go
where she ain't wanted.
157
00:08:36,133 --> 00:08:39,467
She come here, didn't she?
158
00:08:39,467 --> 00:08:43,501
No, she's just gotta stay here
for another two weeks,
159
00:08:43,501 --> 00:08:45,534
and then she goes to Emily.
160
00:08:45,534 --> 00:08:47,734
Wait a minute,
wait a minute, Edith.
161
00:08:47,734 --> 00:08:49,968
Why can't she go Emily now?
162
00:08:49,968 --> 00:08:54,133
Because Emily is in Hawaii
with her husband, on vacation.
163
00:08:54,133 --> 00:08:57,467
Fine! Let her go down
to Hawaii and show them two
164
00:08:57,467 --> 00:09:00,634
how to pick the green things
out of pineapples!
165
00:09:00,634 --> 00:09:03,167
Daddy, I'm ashamed of you.
166
00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:04,300
Ahhh!
167
00:09:05,667 --> 00:09:09,534
You twisted your father's
assiotic nerve here!
168
00:09:09,534 --> 00:09:14,033
Don't you never pinch
your father in his-- in the living room!
169
00:09:14,033 --> 00:09:16,434
Get away, Edith.
Let me sit down.
170
00:09:16,434 --> 00:09:21,167
You know, in China,
old people are the most honored in the family.
171
00:09:21,167 --> 00:09:23,100
Here we just sweep them
under the rug.
172
00:09:23,100 --> 00:09:25,734
Don't kid yourself.
Chinks do that same thing.
173
00:09:25,734 --> 00:09:31,300
They ain't got rugs there,
so they sweep 'em under the rice paddies.
174
00:09:31,300 --> 00:09:35,501
You know, Arch,
you are truly a man of no compassion.
175
00:09:35,501 --> 00:09:38,934
Get off sex! Get off sex!
176
00:09:38,934 --> 00:09:41,000
But what are we gonna do,
Archie?
177
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:43,234
It's your family, Edith,
figure it out.
178
00:09:43,234 --> 00:09:45,968
Call up one of
the other relatives and get 'em to take her on!
179
00:09:45,968 --> 00:09:49,267
That don't seem right
with an extra room up there.
180
00:09:49,267 --> 00:09:51,567
I don't wanna discuss
this thing no more.
181
00:09:51,567 --> 00:09:53,334
And what the hell
are you two lookin' at?
182
00:09:53,334 --> 00:09:54,868
Don't look at me,
don't say nothin',
183
00:09:54,868 --> 00:09:56,734
don't butt in,
you ain't wanted here!
184
00:09:56,734 --> 00:09:59,501
Go on home to your own home,
I hear the baby cryin'.
185
00:09:59,501 --> 00:10:01,200
Fine. Fine. Good-bye.
186
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,968
Can I just say
one thing to you, though? If it don't take too long.
187
00:10:03,968 --> 00:10:05,367
Why is that you can never--
188
00:10:05,367 --> 00:10:07,267
Too long.
189
00:10:07,267 --> 00:10:09,434
Edith, get on the phone here.
190
00:10:10,634 --> 00:10:12,934
Call your...
( applause )
191
00:10:16,234 --> 00:10:17,634
Yeah.
192
00:10:17,634 --> 00:10:19,567
Yeah, Helen.
193
00:10:19,567 --> 00:10:21,667
Well, I'm sorry, too.
194
00:10:22,934 --> 00:10:26,200
Well, I-I hope
you feel better.
195
00:10:27,534 --> 00:10:30,734
Yeah.
All right, goodbye.
196
00:10:30,734 --> 00:10:32,267
Ohh. Well, Helen....
197
00:10:32,267 --> 00:10:35,300
can't take Aunt Iola neither.
Can't take Aunt Iola neither.
198
00:10:36,801 --> 00:10:39,334
Well, we're runnin'
out of relatives here.
199
00:10:39,334 --> 00:10:41,100
What's Helen's alibi?
200
00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:43,634
High blood pressure.
High blood pressure.
201
00:10:43,634 --> 00:10:47,634
And Louie's home
on sick leave.
202
00:10:47,634 --> 00:10:52,501
Sick?! The healthiest
glassblower in Moline, Illinois?
203
00:10:52,501 --> 00:10:54,167
I know, but you see,
204
00:10:54,167 --> 00:10:57,334
the man working next to him
told him a joke,
205
00:10:57,334 --> 00:11:02,200
and Louie started
laughing...so hard
206
00:11:02,200 --> 00:11:04,467
that he got
an attack of hiccups,
207
00:11:04,467 --> 00:11:06,334
and before they
could get to him,
208
00:11:06,334 --> 00:11:09,167
he inhaled
three little swans.
209
00:11:20,167 --> 00:11:23,167
It ain't just that
your family lies, Edith,
210
00:11:23,167 --> 00:11:25,901
but they lie
so damn bad.
211
00:11:27,567 --> 00:11:29,467
Come on,
let's look up some more.
212
00:11:29,467 --> 00:11:32,501
What about your nephew
Fat Freddie from Philadelphia?
213
00:11:32,501 --> 00:11:35,534
Here's his number.
Area code 215-- Archie!
214
00:11:35,534 --> 00:11:39,834
That was his funeral
we went to last spring!
215
00:11:41,434 --> 00:11:43,968
Oh, yeah,
I remember that.
216
00:11:43,968 --> 00:11:47,133
Al the flags and guns.
217
00:11:48,601 --> 00:11:51,667
Oh, what a bunch,
your family.
218
00:11:51,667 --> 00:11:54,534
Sidney's old lady
under the knife...
219
00:11:54,534 --> 00:11:57,367
Yeah, and Emily
on vacation in Hawaii.
220
00:11:57,367 --> 00:12:01,501
Which means drunk
on the beach once again.
221
00:12:01,501 --> 00:12:05,167
Helen begging off
with high pressure...
222
00:12:05,167 --> 00:12:08,701
Louie waiting for
three little swans to pass...
223
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:18,834
And Fat Freddie in the ground
under Philadelphia.
224
00:12:18,834 --> 00:12:23,300
I don't miss him,
but at least I know he ain't lyin' no more.
225
00:12:23,300 --> 00:12:26,701
Well, none of the relatives
are gonna take her.
226
00:12:26,701 --> 00:12:29,767
Well, geez,
I coulda told you the same thing!
227
00:12:29,767 --> 00:12:32,067
That's your family!
Geez!
228
00:12:32,067 --> 00:12:35,701
They remind me of weasels--
dumb, but shifty.
229
00:12:37,601 --> 00:12:39,701
Well, we only got
one choice, then--
230
00:12:39,701 --> 00:12:43,734
either she goes
to the Sunshine Home, or she stays here.
231
00:12:43,734 --> 00:12:45,400
That's two choices.
232
00:12:45,400 --> 00:12:48,000
No, 'cause
she can't stay here.
233
00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:51,834
Archie, the Sunshine Home
ain't got no room.
234
00:12:51,834 --> 00:12:56,000
While we're arguing here,
a vacancy might be opening up right now,
235
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:59,033
courtesy of the Grim Creeper.
236
00:12:59,033 --> 00:13:02,234
And some guy just like me
might be gettin' ready
237
00:13:02,234 --> 00:13:05,167
to ram some other
old party in there.
238
00:13:05,167 --> 00:13:08,501
So get on the phone
and call 'em up, will you?
239
00:13:08,501 --> 00:13:10,334
Call them up, Edith!
240
00:13:10,334 --> 00:13:14,334
Give me one good reason
why we can't take
241
00:13:14,334 --> 00:13:17,300
that sweet old lady
into our home.
242
00:13:17,300 --> 00:13:20,334
A stroke I may have!
243
00:13:20,334 --> 00:13:23,100
Get on the phone
and call 'em!
244
00:13:23,100 --> 00:13:26,901
It's only the mercy of the Lord
I ain't had a stroke already!
245
00:13:26,901 --> 00:13:30,434
And a coronary thrombonus
in the bargain!
246
00:13:30,434 --> 00:13:33,133
What's going on?
247
00:13:33,133 --> 00:13:37,200
What's going on, Iola,
is bad news, see?
248
00:13:37,200 --> 00:13:40,400
It's Sidney.
He can't take you.
249
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:42,334
Oh.
250
00:13:42,334 --> 00:13:45,934
And none of
the other relatives we called will take you neither.
251
00:13:45,934 --> 00:13:48,334
Well, you and me,
we're alike in one way--
252
00:13:48,334 --> 00:13:52,400
the two of us are about
as popular with that side of the family there
253
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:55,567
as baked beans
on a bus trip.
254
00:13:57,901 --> 00:14:01,133
All right, yeah.
We'll be over.
255
00:14:01,133 --> 00:14:03,434
Thank you. Bye.
256
00:14:03,434 --> 00:14:06,467
Well, guess what?
What?
257
00:14:06,467 --> 00:14:11,100
Old Mr. Bloomerer
went west this morning.
258
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:13,667
Don't say "went west"--
he died.
259
00:14:13,667 --> 00:14:18,501
No, he eloped to Albuquerque
with his massage nurse.
260
00:14:20,300 --> 00:14:22,634
What's a massage nurse?
261
00:14:22,634 --> 00:14:26,200
A hooker with a thermometer.
262
00:14:26,200 --> 00:14:30,367
Hey, Ma.
Gloria sent me over for her pot.
263
00:14:30,367 --> 00:14:33,100
I left it on
the kitchen table.
264
00:14:33,100 --> 00:14:37,033
See, Mr. Bloomerer
used to live at the Sunshine Home,
265
00:14:37,033 --> 00:14:40,167
but now that he eloped,
you can have his room.
266
00:14:40,167 --> 00:14:42,334
At the Sunshine Home?
Mm-hmm.
267
00:14:42,334 --> 00:14:44,801
Why should I be in
an old folks home?
268
00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:48,100
Because you're an old folk.
269
00:14:48,100 --> 00:14:51,334
It ain't bad, Aunt Iola.
It's a nice room.
270
00:14:51,334 --> 00:14:53,501
And I'm there
three days a week.
271
00:14:53,501 --> 00:14:55,834
I can see that
you get the best care.
272
00:14:55,834 --> 00:14:58,868
Care? What do I need with care?
273
00:14:58,868 --> 00:15:01,767
I can take care of myself.
274
00:15:01,767 --> 00:15:04,033
Arch, can I talk to you
for a second?
275
00:15:04,033 --> 00:15:07,167
Don't you see
I'm busy here, meathead? I want to talk to you!
276
00:15:07,167 --> 00:15:08,934
Oh, this guy.
277
00:15:08,934 --> 00:15:11,734
Keep sellin', Edith,
keep sellin' here.
278
00:15:11,734 --> 00:15:14,934
What do you want?
Get in there. Can I talk to you for a second?
279
00:15:14,934 --> 00:15:16,868
What the hell
you come and bother me for?
280
00:15:16,868 --> 00:15:18,868
We're in the middle
of a deep problem over here.
281
00:15:18,868 --> 00:15:21,901
We're trying to
talk the old lady into going to the Sunshine Home.
282
00:15:21,901 --> 00:15:23,801
Yeah, I know. Why?
Why?
283
00:15:23,801 --> 00:15:27,601
Arch, she is Ma's aunt,
Ma loves her.
284
00:15:27,601 --> 00:15:29,434
You got an extra room upstairs,
285
00:15:29,434 --> 00:15:31,701
why can't you just take her
for a couple of weeks?
286
00:15:31,701 --> 00:15:33,634
I can't think of anything
more rotten than
287
00:15:33,634 --> 00:15:35,334
sending that lady to a home!
288
00:15:35,334 --> 00:15:37,434
You don't know what the hell
you're talking about here!
289
00:15:37,434 --> 00:15:40,901
I ain't doin' nothin' rotten!
Sit down, I want to tell you something.
290
00:15:40,901 --> 00:15:44,367
I know a hell of a lot more
about old people than you know.
291
00:15:44,367 --> 00:15:46,601
I see more of them,
and I'll tell you this:
292
00:15:46,601 --> 00:15:49,400
Old people like to live
with other old people.
293
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:51,801
Oh, come on.
Don't give me a sour face!
294
00:15:51,801 --> 00:15:54,133
They do! They live
all together in a home there.
295
00:15:54,133 --> 00:15:56,767
They talk about
the same things, see? And they like that.
296
00:15:56,767 --> 00:15:58,868
They come down
in the morning, you know?
297
00:15:58,868 --> 00:16:03,567
So they talk about
prune juice versus bran, you know?
298
00:16:03,567 --> 00:16:06,467
I mean, who's regular,
who ain't regular.
299
00:16:06,467 --> 00:16:10,667
Is denture paste
better than denture glue.
300
00:16:10,667 --> 00:16:14,300
They talk about parts
that they ain't got no more.
301
00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:18,968
They talk about parts they got
that ain't workin' no more.
302
00:16:18,968 --> 00:16:21,901
They like that, see?
They have a ball there.
303
00:16:21,901 --> 00:16:24,267
Arch, Iola isn't like that.
304
00:16:24,267 --> 00:16:27,100
She is active.
She has a clear mind.
305
00:16:27,100 --> 00:16:30,767
She is capable of doing anything
that anybody else can do.
306
00:16:30,767 --> 00:16:35,234
Oh, sure, but you gotta
time her with a calendar, 'cause a watch won't help ya.
307
00:16:35,234 --> 00:16:39,100
All right,
so maybe she's a little slow, but she still gets things done.
308
00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:43,501
What you're talkin' about
is your idea of old age.
309
00:16:43,501 --> 00:16:47,667
You know something?
I think you're afraid of old age.
310
00:16:47,667 --> 00:16:51,334
Get the hell outta here!
Why should I be afraid of old age?!
311
00:16:51,334 --> 00:16:52,634
Because you're
approaching it.
312
00:16:52,634 --> 00:16:55,400
I ain't approaching
nothin'!
313
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:58,133
What are you talking about?
I got a whole lot of life left in me!
314
00:16:58,133 --> 00:17:00,734
Hey, listen! If I was to
give up cigars and booze,
315
00:17:00,734 --> 00:17:03,634
I bet I could make it
another 40 years there.
316
00:17:03,634 --> 00:17:07,167
Maybe 50, if I was
to give up...this here.
317
00:17:12,300 --> 00:17:15,701
"This here"...
doesn't shorten your life.
318
00:17:15,701 --> 00:17:18,467
You'd like to think that,
because if it did,
319
00:17:18,467 --> 00:17:21,868
you got about
ten minutes more to live.
320
00:17:25,767 --> 00:17:29,667
Why do I always think I'm gonna
see a light at the end of the tunnel with you?
321
00:17:29,667 --> 00:17:30,734
I'm goin' home.
322
00:17:30,734 --> 00:17:33,000
Wait a minute.
Hold it, hold it.
323
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:34,534
As long as you're over here,
324
00:17:34,534 --> 00:17:36,234
I'm gonna ask you
to do me a big favor.
325
00:17:36,234 --> 00:17:39,033
I want you to go in there
and help Edith
326
00:17:39,033 --> 00:17:41,200
talk the old lady
into the Sunshine Home.
327
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:43,567
( snorts )
She likes you, she'll listen to you.
328
00:17:43,567 --> 00:17:46,601
I'm not gonna do that
because I don't think that's where she should be!
329
00:17:46,601 --> 00:17:48,968
I'm askin' a favor!
I'm tellin' you no!
330
00:17:48,968 --> 00:17:51,334
Wait a minute.
After all I done for you, you wouldn't--
331
00:17:51,334 --> 00:17:54,300
I want to go home
and bring this pot to Gloria.
332
00:17:54,300 --> 00:17:55,567
Hold it, hold it.
333
00:17:55,567 --> 00:17:57,267
Can I say one thing
to you?
334
00:17:57,267 --> 00:17:59,434
If it doesn't take too long.
335
00:17:59,434 --> 00:18:01,434
Never in my 53 years--
336
00:18:01,434 --> 00:18:03,067
Too long!
337
00:18:11,968 --> 00:18:14,167
You know, your meatheaded
son-in-law
338
00:18:14,167 --> 00:18:16,467
just slammed the door
at me there.
339
00:18:16,467 --> 00:18:18,601
Well, you did it to him.
340
00:18:18,601 --> 00:18:20,200
Listen, Edith...
341
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:24,067
when I slam my door
in his face, that's one thing,
342
00:18:24,067 --> 00:18:27,901
but when he slams my door
in my face, that's something else!
343
00:18:27,901 --> 00:18:30,300
That's vulgar!
Vulgar! Vulgar!
344
00:18:30,300 --> 00:18:32,501
He's a vulgar guy!
345
00:18:32,501 --> 00:18:34,400
Archie, listen to me.
346
00:18:34,400 --> 00:18:39,400
Aunt Iola ain't no burden.
She's the perfect guest--
347
00:18:39,400 --> 00:18:40,934
What are you talking about,
a perfect guest?
348
00:18:40,934 --> 00:18:44,200
Does a perfect guest
take over every conversation at the table?
349
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:46,400
Does a perfect guest
yell at me for smokin' cigars?
350
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:48,734
Does a perfect guest
always try to correct my English?
351
00:18:48,734 --> 00:18:50,400
Does a perfect guest
every morning
352
00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:53,033
mount an unexpected invasion
on the toilet up there
353
00:18:53,033 --> 00:18:56,534
and come in and catch me
with my defenses down?!
354
00:18:56,534 --> 00:19:00,300
Archie,
when we was first married,
355
00:19:00,300 --> 00:19:03,200
Aunt Iola let us stay
in her house,
356
00:19:03,200 --> 00:19:05,400
and she had to
put up with us.
357
00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:08,367
But Edith,
we wasn't old.
358
00:19:08,367 --> 00:19:12,033
Do you remember
when she took Gloria for a whole week
359
00:19:12,033 --> 00:19:13,567
when I had the flu?
360
00:19:13,567 --> 00:19:16,200
But what the hell
trouble was that, a little baby?
361
00:19:16,200 --> 00:19:19,667
And she loaned us $100
when you was laid off
362
00:19:19,667 --> 00:19:21,701
so we could pay the oil bill.
363
00:19:21,701 --> 00:19:24,267
I paid her back!
Oh, no.
364
00:19:24,267 --> 00:19:27,601
What?!
Only $25 of it.
365
00:19:27,601 --> 00:19:29,634
Remember this, Edith--
366
00:19:29,634 --> 00:19:35,601
$25 in them days
was worth about $200 today!
367
00:19:35,601 --> 00:19:37,601
We want to
talk to you.
368
00:19:37,601 --> 00:19:40,567
Here they are,
the floozy and the phony.
369
00:19:40,567 --> 00:19:45,133
Ma, we have decided
that we want Aunt Iola to come stay with us.
370
00:19:45,133 --> 00:19:47,968
Yeah.
Oh, that's very sweet of you,
371
00:19:47,968 --> 00:19:50,234
but I don't think
that would be right.
372
00:19:50,234 --> 00:19:51,901
I mean, she's my relative.
373
00:19:51,901 --> 00:19:53,601
Well, she ain't mine.
374
00:19:53,601 --> 00:19:55,968
I feel very close
to her here.
375
00:19:55,968 --> 00:19:57,834
What are you talking about,
close?
376
00:19:57,834 --> 00:19:59,634
She'd just be
across the alley there.
377
00:19:59,634 --> 00:20:02,567
You could run over there
and hug her three times a day,
378
00:20:02,567 --> 00:20:04,267
four if you want to.
379
00:20:04,267 --> 00:20:06,734
She's lively
and she's alert,
380
00:20:06,734 --> 00:20:10,000
and we feel that
she would be a great influence on Joey,
381
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:11,868
and Joey just adores her.
382
00:20:11,868 --> 00:20:13,100
Sure, sure,
383
00:20:13,100 --> 00:20:15,100
she's learn the baby
good English
384
00:20:15,100 --> 00:20:17,734
and keep him
off cigars.
385
00:20:17,734 --> 00:20:19,734
Ma, I think
she'd like it with us.
386
00:20:19,734 --> 00:20:21,367
I think she oughta
be here.
387
00:20:21,367 --> 00:20:23,133
But Ma,
we got a place for her,
388
00:20:23,133 --> 00:20:25,634
and she doesn't
get along with Archie...
389
00:20:25,634 --> 00:20:28,133
( all talking )
390
00:20:28,133 --> 00:20:30,701
IOLA: Wait a minute!
Hold it!
391
00:20:30,701 --> 00:20:31,934
Stifle!
392
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:35,767
Stifle.
393
00:20:35,767 --> 00:20:37,701
Geez, you wanna
sit in my chair, too?
394
00:20:39,634 --> 00:20:43,033
It's very flattering
that you're all fighting over me,
395
00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:45,634
but I've made up my mind.
396
00:20:45,634 --> 00:20:48,334
I'm going to stay with Herbert.
397
00:20:48,334 --> 00:20:51,033
That's a pretty good idea,
that.
398
00:20:51,033 --> 00:20:53,100
I never thought of her
staying with Herbert.
399
00:20:53,100 --> 00:20:54,968
Who the hell is Herbert?
400
00:20:54,968 --> 00:20:56,534
Is he a relative?
401
00:20:56,534 --> 00:20:59,334
No, he's better
than a relative.
402
00:20:59,334 --> 00:21:01,200
He's my friend.
403
00:21:01,200 --> 00:21:03,234
Whenever I'm between relatives,
404
00:21:03,234 --> 00:21:05,701
and I have a hole
in my schedule,
405
00:21:05,701 --> 00:21:08,767
then I'm always welcome there.
406
00:21:08,767 --> 00:21:10,934
And I love him for that.
407
00:21:10,934 --> 00:21:14,367
You mean you and Herbert--
408
00:21:14,367 --> 00:21:17,067
Edith, uh...
this here, ya know.
409
00:21:19,267 --> 00:21:20,968
Why not?
410
00:21:20,968 --> 00:21:23,801
He's the one
that gave me this book.
411
00:21:25,133 --> 00:21:27,534
He gave you
Sex After Sixty?
412
00:21:27,534 --> 00:21:31,267
Yes--and before sixty, too.
413
00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:35,133
( Gloria laughs )
414
00:21:35,133 --> 00:21:37,801
Aunt Iola,
you're terrific.
415
00:21:37,801 --> 00:21:39,367
I know.
416
00:21:39,367 --> 00:21:41,701
So, Archie, let's get me
to the bus station
417
00:21:41,701 --> 00:21:44,100
so I can catch that
Greyhound to Buffalo.
418
00:21:44,100 --> 00:21:46,033
Some people don't understand
419
00:21:46,033 --> 00:21:49,801
that I'm welcome practically
every place I go.
420
00:21:49,801 --> 00:21:53,267
And not because
they feel sorry for me,
421
00:21:53,267 --> 00:21:57,567
but because they love
a real live wire.
422
00:21:57,567 --> 00:22:01,200
And that's me.
423
00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:03,667
So, good-bye, children.
424
00:22:03,667 --> 00:22:06,901
Bye, Aunt Iola.
Good-bye, Aunt Iola, I'm gonna miss you.
425
00:22:06,901 --> 00:22:10,634
Bye, Aunt Iola,
have a nice trip.
426
00:22:10,634 --> 00:22:12,501
I'm off!
427
00:22:12,501 --> 00:22:16,167
♪ Off I'm gonna shuffle,
shuffle off to Buffalo ♪
428
00:22:16,167 --> 00:22:17,968
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!
429
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:29,167
Hey, uh...(clears throat)...
430
00:22:29,167 --> 00:22:31,367
Iola, I--
431
00:22:31,367 --> 00:22:34,033
Wait a minute,
lemme get down here.
432
00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:37,501
I--I gotta ask ya.
433
00:22:37,501 --> 00:22:39,334
Was you kiddin' around
in there,
434
00:22:39,334 --> 00:22:42,534
or you really got
this guy Herbert up in Buffalo?
435
00:22:42,534 --> 00:22:44,434
Of course I do.
436
00:22:44,434 --> 00:22:46,400
'Cause, you know,
437
00:22:46,400 --> 00:22:50,067
if you really didn't have
nobody and no place to go to,
438
00:22:50,067 --> 00:22:52,901
I'd have to make you
come back in and stay with us.
439
00:22:52,901 --> 00:22:55,634
Oh, thank you, Archie.
440
00:22:57,434 --> 00:23:01,901
That's sweet.
But there really is a Herbert.
441
00:23:01,901 --> 00:23:03,734
Yeah?
442
00:23:03,734 --> 00:23:06,901
Well, I'll say one thing
for you, Iola--
443
00:23:06,901 --> 00:23:09,734
There ain't no flies on ya.
444
00:23:11,300 --> 00:23:14,701
And if it should happen
that I wind up like you--
445
00:23:14,701 --> 00:23:16,467
you know, on my own--
446
00:23:16,467 --> 00:23:19,634
I'd like to be
just as jazzy as you.
447
00:23:19,634 --> 00:23:23,501
Then you better start
changin' your ways, Archie,
448
00:23:23,501 --> 00:23:25,734
because if you don't,
449
00:23:25,734 --> 00:23:30,000
you might end up without
a Herbert to go to.
450
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:32,934
Well--well, see,
I'd want it to be
451
00:23:32,934 --> 00:23:35,601
an Alice or a Dorothy
or somethin'.
452
00:23:35,601 --> 00:23:38,467
I mean, I wouldn't have no use
for a Herbert,
453
00:23:38,467 --> 00:23:39,701
you know what I mean?
454
00:24:02,300 --> 00:24:04,701
All In The Family wasrecorded on tape
455
00:24:04,701 --> 00:24:06,367
before a live audience.
456
00:24:06,417 --> 00:24:10,967
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