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1
00:00:01,667 --> 00:00:04,767
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:04,767 --> 00:00:08,133
♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪
3
00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:11,167
♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪
4
00:00:11,167 --> 00:00:13,734
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:13,734 --> 00:00:17,234
♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪
6
00:00:17,234 --> 00:00:20,400
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪
7
00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:25,567
♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:28,734
♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪
9
00:00:28,734 --> 00:00:32,067
♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪
10
00:00:32,067 --> 00:00:36,133
♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪
11
00:00:36,133 --> 00:00:40,467
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:48,100 --> 00:00:51,200
EDITH: Sixty-seven...
13
00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:53,601
( Mike, Gloria sigh )
14
00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:56,801
Sixty-eight...
15
00:00:59,033 --> 00:01:01,834
Ahh.
Sixty-nine...
16
00:01:01,834 --> 00:01:04,834
Haven't we made
enough sandwiches yet? No.
17
00:01:04,834 --> 00:01:08,067
Gloria, guys watchin'
a Super Bowl game get very hungry.
18
00:01:08,067 --> 00:01:10,667
Especially when they're
watchin' in a saloon
19
00:01:10,667 --> 00:01:12,300
where they're doin'
a lot of drinkin', see.
20
00:01:12,300 --> 00:01:15,167
So keep going. We gotta
have at least 75 of them.
21
00:01:15,167 --> 00:01:17,133
How much are you
charging for 'em?
22
00:01:17,133 --> 00:01:18,334
Buck-fifty each.
23
00:01:18,334 --> 00:01:20,167
I'll make a little dough
on this.
24
00:01:20,167 --> 00:01:23,067
Let's see, a buck-fifty
times seventy-five is
25
00:01:23,067 --> 00:01:26,300
five-oh--oh-five cents--
three, four, five, carry the three,
26
00:01:26,300 --> 00:01:28,367
five is the...
27
00:01:32,501 --> 00:01:34,567
I tell ya what's
better than this, see.
28
00:01:34,567 --> 00:01:39,367
Make 25 more, 100 altogether,
and we charge $2 apiece,
29
00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:41,901
so 100 times 2, uh,
30
00:01:41,901 --> 00:01:43,634
that's, uh, that's, uh--
31
00:01:43,634 --> 00:01:45,100
that'll bring in $200.
32
00:01:45,100 --> 00:01:47,801
You always were
good with numbers. Yeah.
33
00:01:50,601 --> 00:01:53,300
How come you're only
givin' 'em ham sandwiches?
34
00:01:53,300 --> 00:01:57,067
Because my saloon
is a ham joint, you know?
35
00:01:57,067 --> 00:01:59,701
Some saloons is liverwurst,
36
00:01:59,701 --> 00:02:03,000
some of the other saloons
is bologna there,
37
00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:05,901
you go to other saloons,
there's lettuce and tomato--
38
00:02:05,901 --> 00:02:09,934
them's the kind of gay joints,
you know--
39
00:02:09,934 --> 00:02:12,634
but my saloon has
always been ham.
40
00:02:12,634 --> 00:02:16,100
Daddy, if Michael's
gonna help out,
41
00:02:16,100 --> 00:02:18,734
I don't see why
I can't come down to the bar and help out.
42
00:02:18,734 --> 00:02:21,801
Oh, no, no, no.
I don't want them men grabbin' for my daughter.
43
00:02:21,801 --> 00:02:24,234
I'm hirin' another girl
for that.
44
00:02:24,234 --> 00:02:25,968
Oh, yeah? Who?
45
00:02:25,968 --> 00:02:27,501
"Boom Boom" Turner.
46
00:02:27,501 --> 00:02:29,400
Boom Boom?
47
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:32,767
Oh, the one that works
down at the plant.
48
00:02:32,767 --> 00:02:34,601
The very same one.
49
00:02:34,601 --> 00:02:38,734
First girl ever to wear
steel-belted radial brassieres.
50
00:02:41,868 --> 00:02:44,033
Her name is Mildred.
51
00:02:44,033 --> 00:02:47,167
The name don't change
this here.
52
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,734
Daddy, I hope you're
paying Michael for this.
53
00:02:49,734 --> 00:02:51,601
Yeah. I'm payin' him
the same I paid him
54
00:02:51,601 --> 00:02:54,234
to help me on
New Year's Eve.
55
00:02:54,234 --> 00:02:56,868
On New Year's Eve
you didn't pay me anything.
56
00:02:56,868 --> 00:03:00,334
Well, I'll pay ya twice that.
57
00:03:00,334 --> 00:03:02,667
It's lucky for you
we're related.
58
00:03:02,667 --> 00:03:05,601
That's the kind of luck
poor Mr. Lincoln had
59
00:03:05,601 --> 00:03:08,601
the night he went
to the movies...
60
00:03:08,601 --> 00:03:12,501
when he sat in
John Wilkes's booth.
61
00:03:14,334 --> 00:03:18,801
Archie thinks he's gonna take in
a thousand dollars tonight.
62
00:03:18,801 --> 00:03:21,200
A thousand dollars?
Really, Daddy?
63
00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:22,567
A thousand dollars
at least.
64
00:03:22,567 --> 00:03:25,834
With that big super TV screen
I hired to watch the game on,
65
00:03:25,834 --> 00:03:28,067
the joint is gonna be
packed out.
66
00:03:28,067 --> 00:03:30,334
This should be
the best business you ever had.
67
00:03:30,334 --> 00:03:31,934
I think so.
68
00:03:31,934 --> 00:03:35,200
Well, barring the day
the Sons of Ireland bus broke down outside the bar
69
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:39,601
and them 47 Ed McMahons
come rushin' in there.
70
00:03:39,601 --> 00:03:43,767
How much is it
gonna cost you to rent this big TV screen?
71
00:03:43,767 --> 00:03:46,367
Plenty, but I'm layin' it off
on the customers.
72
00:03:46,367 --> 00:03:49,567
I'm chargin' 'em
a little extree for every drink.
73
00:03:49,567 --> 00:03:51,100
What, like a cover charge?
74
00:03:51,100 --> 00:03:53,200
You can't do that in
a neighborhood bar.
75
00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,434
You gotta keep out
the riff-raff, don't ya?
76
00:03:55,434 --> 00:03:57,901
Those are your
biggest customers.
77
00:03:59,167 --> 00:04:00,734
For you.
78
00:04:00,734 --> 00:04:03,934
I don't understand
why people would pay extra
79
00:04:03,934 --> 00:04:06,801
to see a football game
that they can see at home for free.
80
00:04:06,801 --> 00:04:10,834
They're glad to pay extra
to spend a couple of hours away from the wives.
81
00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:13,534
Maybe the wives
will want to come.
82
00:04:13,534 --> 00:04:16,133
You think we want women
hanging around there
83
00:04:16,133 --> 00:04:18,601
during the Super Bowl game?
84
00:04:18,601 --> 00:04:20,667
Runnin' around
askin' stupid questions
85
00:04:20,667 --> 00:04:23,601
like "When are we gonna
see Reggie Jackson?"
86
00:04:25,901 --> 00:04:27,467
Daddy.
Yeah.
87
00:04:28,534 --> 00:04:29,567
Oh, geez!
88
00:04:29,567 --> 00:04:32,367
Mustard in the eye!
Mustard in the eye!
89
00:04:32,367 --> 00:04:35,133
Wash it out,
it's blindin' me here!
90
00:04:35,133 --> 00:04:37,567
I just was teasing!
91
00:04:37,567 --> 00:04:39,934
( all talking )
92
00:04:39,934 --> 00:04:42,033
Gee,
get it outta there!
93
00:04:42,033 --> 00:04:45,767
Don't you know there's
two very dangerous chemicals in mustard?!
94
00:04:45,767 --> 00:04:48,734
What?
Acid and mustard!
95
00:04:48,734 --> 00:04:53,367
You get them things
in your eye, it could destroy the rectal nerve!
96
00:04:53,367 --> 00:04:55,200
Ohh. Ohh!
97
00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:56,968
I'm sorry, Daddy.
98
00:04:56,968 --> 00:05:00,634
"Sorry," that don't
restore my hindsight here!
99
00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:03,100
Come on, meathead,
let's get the hell outta here.
100
00:05:03,100 --> 00:05:06,033
She'll go after my other eye
with an egg beater!
101
00:05:06,033 --> 00:05:08,601
Don't forget after the game
we're goin' out to dinner!
102
00:05:08,601 --> 00:05:10,767
We're gonna do--ohh!
103
00:05:10,767 --> 00:05:13,067
Bye, Archie.
That's all right.
104
00:05:13,067 --> 00:05:15,334
Don't do that!
105
00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:18,734
And don't do that--
106
00:05:18,734 --> 00:05:20,901
put the sandwich
back into the box
107
00:05:20,901 --> 00:05:25,734
after your chops got all
salivated all over the thing!
108
00:05:25,734 --> 00:05:28,167
Get goin', will you?
109
00:05:28,167 --> 00:05:31,667
It's a disgrace,
a whole corner of the thing gone.
110
00:05:31,667 --> 00:05:33,167
Oh, well,
what the hell.
111
00:05:36,267 --> 00:05:39,634
( marching band plays
on TV )
112
00:05:39,634 --> 00:05:41,534
Thanks, Boom Boom.
113
00:05:41,534 --> 00:05:43,501
MAN: Hey, Boom Boom,
you're blockin' the screen.
114
00:05:43,501 --> 00:05:45,901
Let her alone,
that's only the pre-game stuff.
115
00:05:45,901 --> 00:05:49,033
Let's look at Boom Boom.
Oh, yeah. Ha ha ha!
116
00:05:49,033 --> 00:05:51,167
( indistinct chatter )
117
00:05:51,167 --> 00:05:53,400
ARCHIE:
Enjoy yourselves there.
118
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:55,767
Drink up, fellas, drink up.
119
00:05:55,767 --> 00:05:57,400
Look at the mob
growin' in here.
120
00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:01,000
You was the one that told me
not to rent that big superscreen there, huh?
121
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:03,501
I gotta hand it to ya,
Arch, terrific idea.
122
00:06:03,501 --> 00:06:05,968
MIKE: Arch,
football pool's all sold out.
123
00:06:05,968 --> 00:06:07,901
How much did you get?
Five hundred dollars.
124
00:06:07,901 --> 00:06:09,267
Five hundred dollars, huh?
125
00:06:09,267 --> 00:06:11,734
Ten percent is mine
for cuttin' this whole thing,
126
00:06:11,734 --> 00:06:13,801
so that makes approximately
fifty dollars for me.
127
00:06:13,801 --> 00:06:15,801
I see you lookin' at me,
but don't do it, Harry.
128
00:06:15,801 --> 00:06:17,634
This ain't got nothin'
to do with you.
129
00:06:17,634 --> 00:06:19,868
This ain't the partnership,
this ain't the business.
130
00:06:19,868 --> 00:06:21,901
This is mine personal, see?
131
00:06:21,901 --> 00:06:24,601
Announcement, everybody,
announcement here!
132
00:06:24,601 --> 00:06:27,267
The football pool
is all sold out now.
133
00:06:27,267 --> 00:06:30,400
So, after the game
some lucky bum
134
00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:33,033
is gonna be
the winner of $500.
135
00:06:33,033 --> 00:06:34,834
( all cheer )
136
00:06:34,834 --> 00:06:39,567
Less ten percent for me,
cuttin' it, you know, and keepin' the books on it.
137
00:06:39,567 --> 00:06:40,801
( all boo )
138
00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:43,367
And I'm holdin' onto it,
too.
139
00:06:43,367 --> 00:06:44,701
Just a minute, Arch.
140
00:06:44,701 --> 00:06:46,667
How come you're
holdin' the money?
141
00:06:46,667 --> 00:06:49,067
ALL: Yeah!
Don't you trust me?
142
00:06:49,067 --> 00:06:51,501
All: Nooooo!
143
00:06:51,501 --> 00:06:54,601
I don't think
they trust you, Arch.
144
00:06:54,601 --> 00:06:57,267
Hey, fellas, all I asked
was Barney over there.
145
00:06:57,267 --> 00:07:00,601
And for him I got
two very smart words:
146
00:07:00,601 --> 00:07:03,067
( double raspberry )
147
00:07:03,067 --> 00:07:05,901
Come on, Arch,
you know the rules.
148
00:07:05,901 --> 00:07:08,801
Nobody in the pool
is allowed to hold the money.
149
00:07:08,801 --> 00:07:11,234
Let's give it to
a neutral party.
150
00:07:11,234 --> 00:07:14,167
( all agree )
Yeah, let Boom Boom hold it.
151
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:16,534
Yeah, that's a great idea!
152
00:07:16,534 --> 00:07:20,234
Give the money to Boom Boom.
She knows where to put it!
153
00:07:20,234 --> 00:07:22,701
Here, Boom, Boom--
put it in the safe.
154
00:07:22,701 --> 00:07:24,267
Wow!
155
00:07:25,467 --> 00:07:27,567
Five hundred dollars!
156
00:07:27,567 --> 00:07:30,434
My cups runneth over!
157
00:07:30,434 --> 00:07:31,634
( all laugh )
158
00:07:31,634 --> 00:07:33,067
Hey, get busy, get busy.
159
00:07:33,067 --> 00:07:34,801
Come right in, gents.
Table for four?
160
00:07:34,801 --> 00:07:36,200
We're not with them.
161
00:07:36,200 --> 00:07:38,234
Oh. Would you two gents
mind waiting a minute?
162
00:07:38,234 --> 00:07:41,033
Come right this way.
I got a couple of chairs right at this table for ya.
163
00:07:41,033 --> 00:07:43,667
Your pleasure's
my business.
164
00:07:45,801 --> 00:07:47,067
Good crowd.
165
00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:48,601
Very good.
166
00:07:48,601 --> 00:07:51,501
We oughta walk outta here
with a coupla thousand.
167
00:07:51,501 --> 00:07:55,701
You know how many gas stations
we'd have to knock over to get that kind of loot?
168
00:07:55,701 --> 00:07:58,801
Okay, fellas,
a table for two?
169
00:07:58,801 --> 00:08:00,567
Step right this way.
170
00:08:00,567 --> 00:08:03,000
Maybe we ain't got
a table for two for you there,
171
00:08:03,000 --> 00:08:04,834
but we'll find some room.
172
00:08:04,834 --> 00:08:06,934
You could move, huh?
173
00:08:06,934 --> 00:08:10,601
There. I ain't seen youse guys
before. Youse from around here?
174
00:08:10,601 --> 00:08:11,868
No.
Yes.
175
00:08:11,868 --> 00:08:13,133
Yes.
No.
176
00:08:13,133 --> 00:08:14,934
No.
Yes.
177
00:08:14,934 --> 00:08:16,767
Well, what the hell's
the difference?
178
00:08:16,767 --> 00:08:19,400
What we mean is,
we're thinking of moving into the neighborhood.
179
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:20,667
Not a bad idea.
180
00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:23,100
This neighborhood is like
a hunk of Park Avenue--
181
00:08:23,100 --> 00:08:25,834
only you never
have to trip over the rich.
182
00:08:25,834 --> 00:08:27,901
Sit down, sit down,
enjoy yourself.
183
00:08:27,901 --> 00:08:29,300
What's your pleasure?
184
00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:31,734
Uh, you got any, uh,
12-year-old scotch?
185
00:08:31,734 --> 00:08:35,701
I got an 11-year-old scotch
that's due for a birthday next week. Ha ha ha!
186
00:08:35,701 --> 00:08:38,801
You want a double on that?
Yeah.
187
00:08:38,801 --> 00:08:41,334
One double of
the 11-year-old scotch there.
188
00:08:41,334 --> 00:08:42,667
What do you like?
Beer.
189
00:08:42,667 --> 00:08:44,267
Four beers.
Four beers?
190
00:08:44,267 --> 00:08:46,634
Yeah, well, it's a long game.
191
00:08:46,634 --> 00:08:48,367
( Star-Spangled Banner
plays on TV )
192
00:08:48,367 --> 00:08:50,067
Oh, the anthem, here it is.
193
00:08:50,067 --> 00:08:51,834
Hey, everybody,
pay attention,
194
00:08:51,834 --> 00:08:53,467
national anthem here.
195
00:08:53,467 --> 00:08:55,567
ALL: * ...dawn's early light *
196
00:08:55,567 --> 00:08:59,634
♪ What so proudly we hailed ♪
197
00:08:59,634 --> 00:09:04,100
♪ At the twilight's
last gleaming ♪
198
00:09:04,100 --> 00:09:08,300
♪ Whose broad stripes
and bright stars ♪
199
00:09:08,300 --> 00:09:12,767
♪ Through the perilous fight ♪
200
00:09:12,767 --> 00:09:17,200
♪ O'er the ramparts we watched ♪
201
00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:21,734
♪ Were so gallantly streaming ♪
202
00:09:21,734 --> 00:09:26,033
Now's the perfect time
to stick 'em up, while they're all standing.
203
00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:28,100
During the national anthem?
204
00:09:28,100 --> 00:09:30,534
What are you,
a communist?
205
00:09:30,534 --> 00:09:32,634
( anthem continues )
206
00:09:32,634 --> 00:09:36,200
Hey, just look at
these suckers.
207
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:39,701
This is gonna be
the biggest day we ever had.
208
00:09:39,701 --> 00:09:42,634
Boy, some crowd, huh, Arch?
209
00:09:42,634 --> 00:09:47,067
Listen, this is gonna be
the best day we ever had.
210
00:09:47,067 --> 00:09:52,467
♪ ...banner yet wave ♪
211
00:09:52,467 --> 00:09:55,534
♪ O'er the land ♪
212
00:09:55,534 --> 00:09:59,834
♪ Of the free ♪
213
00:09:59,834 --> 00:10:03,434
♪ And the home ♪
214
00:10:03,434 --> 00:10:06,400
♪ Of the ♪
215
00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:09,133
♪ Brave ♪♪
216
00:10:13,334 --> 00:10:16,400
TV:
And there's the endof thefirst half of Super Bowl XII
217
00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:18,734
in the magnificentLouisiana Superdome
218
00:10:18,734 --> 00:10:21,000
in beautiful downtownNew Orleans...
219
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,200
Okay, guys,
the end of the first half.
220
00:10:23,200 --> 00:10:24,601
I got an announcement
to make,
221
00:10:24,601 --> 00:10:27,501
a Half-Time Special here,
only at half-time--
222
00:10:27,501 --> 00:10:29,667
two drinks for
the price of one double.
223
00:10:29,667 --> 00:10:31,267
Wait a minute!
224
00:10:31,267 --> 00:10:34,701
What's so special about
two drinks for the price of a double?
225
00:10:34,701 --> 00:10:37,167
You get them
at the same time.
226
00:10:38,601 --> 00:10:40,334
Everybody's enjoying themselves
227
00:10:40,334 --> 00:10:43,300
and you have to come up
with nasty questions there.
228
00:10:50,534 --> 00:10:53,467
Now, Sam.
Let's do it now.
229
00:10:53,467 --> 00:10:54,801
What's your hurry?
230
00:10:54,801 --> 00:10:56,801
'Cause I told my wife
I'm gonna pull a job.
231
00:10:56,801 --> 00:10:58,968
If she finds out
I'm watching a football game,
232
00:10:58,968 --> 00:11:01,000
she's gonna kill me!
233
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:05,100
Arch, how can you sell a drink
in a glass like that?
234
00:11:05,100 --> 00:11:06,767
What's the matter
with the glass?
235
00:11:06,767 --> 00:11:09,467
Look at it.
It's got a false bottom.
236
00:11:09,467 --> 00:11:11,100
What do you mean
false bottom?
237
00:11:11,100 --> 00:11:13,033
A false bottom,
there's no bottom.
238
00:11:13,033 --> 00:11:15,267
This here glass
got plenty of bottom.
239
00:11:15,267 --> 00:11:17,701
We got more bottom
than you need.
240
00:11:17,701 --> 00:11:21,367
That's what I mean!
You're cheating the customers!
241
00:11:21,367 --> 00:11:22,434
How?
242
00:11:22,434 --> 00:11:23,934
They order
two ounces of booze,
243
00:11:23,934 --> 00:11:26,367
you're giving them
four pounds of crystal.
244
00:11:27,801 --> 00:11:29,901
Let me tell you
something.
245
00:11:31,133 --> 00:11:33,367
With this heavy glass,
see,
246
00:11:33,367 --> 00:11:37,601
you don't get no tippage
and you don't get no spillage.
247
00:11:37,601 --> 00:11:41,100
With this heavy glass,
the customers saves money.
248
00:11:47,067 --> 00:11:49,167
With this heavy glass,
249
00:11:49,167 --> 00:11:51,501
every time
the customer picks it up
250
00:11:51,501 --> 00:11:53,667
he dislocates his elbow.
251
00:11:56,434 --> 00:11:59,167
With this heavy glass,
252
00:11:59,167 --> 00:12:02,000
I could raise a big bump
on your head.
253
00:12:05,167 --> 00:12:08,033
Who ya starin' at?
Don't I know you from someplace?
254
00:12:08,033 --> 00:12:10,300
You don't know me
from no place. I don't forget a face.
255
00:12:10,300 --> 00:12:11,901
I know you, buddy.
256
00:12:11,901 --> 00:12:13,767
Forget my face
and shut up, will ya?
257
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:16,334
Don't tell me to shut up!
258
00:12:16,334 --> 00:12:19,501
Shut up!
You a wise guy?
259
00:12:20,834 --> 00:12:23,234
Hey, Arch, I believe
a fight is brewin'.
260
00:12:23,234 --> 00:12:25,400
I ain't deaf
and blind, Hank.
261
00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:27,234
Get me the peacemaker,
Harry.
262
00:12:27,234 --> 00:12:28,734
There it is, Arch.
263
00:12:28,734 --> 00:12:31,734
Hit 'em with the label up
or you'll break the bat.
264
00:12:31,734 --> 00:12:33,934
( both shouting )
265
00:12:33,934 --> 00:12:36,300
Hold it, hold it!
266
00:12:36,300 --> 00:12:38,501
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey.
267
00:12:38,501 --> 00:12:39,734
Fellas, hey.
268
00:12:39,734 --> 00:12:42,133
We got a strict rule
in Archie's Place--
269
00:12:42,133 --> 00:12:43,801
violence ain't allowed.
270
00:12:43,801 --> 00:12:45,968
Any guy caught
committin' violence
271
00:12:45,968 --> 00:12:48,200
gotta get his head crossed.
272
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,033
Now, what's it all about?
273
00:12:50,033 --> 00:12:51,968
( both shouting )
274
00:12:51,968 --> 00:12:53,968
No matter what
it's all about,
275
00:12:53,968 --> 00:12:55,400
there's only one way
to settle it.
276
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:57,734
Leave it to me.
What was you drinking?
277
00:12:57,734 --> 00:13:00,167
I was--I was drinking
double scotches.
278
00:13:00,167 --> 00:13:01,901
That's very nice. Yeah.
279
00:13:01,901 --> 00:13:04,234
And McCauley, you, as usual,
was drinkin'--
280
00:13:04,234 --> 00:13:05,701
Beer.
281
00:13:05,701 --> 00:13:08,901
You ain't got much
going for ya, have ya?
282
00:13:11,033 --> 00:13:12,701
Lookit, Archie,
I'm tryin' to ex--
283
00:13:12,701 --> 00:13:13,834
Whenever you fight,
284
00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:16,501
you wind up in
the Q Gardens jail.
285
00:13:16,501 --> 00:13:19,067
That's it! That's where
I know this guy from!
286
00:13:19,067 --> 00:13:20,534
Cut! Cut!
287
00:13:20,534 --> 00:13:22,767
What do you mean,
insultin' a gent here
288
00:13:22,767 --> 00:13:24,701
drinkin' 11-year-old scotch?
289
00:13:24,701 --> 00:13:26,067
I'm telin' ya--
290
00:13:26,067 --> 00:13:28,300
McCauley,
best thing you can do
291
00:13:28,300 --> 00:13:30,634
is pay your tab
and shove off.
292
00:13:30,634 --> 00:13:32,167
I got a bat.
293
00:13:32,167 --> 00:13:34,701
All right.
Who needs this crummy joint?
294
00:13:34,701 --> 00:13:36,234
Let's go down
to McFeeny's.
295
00:13:36,234 --> 00:13:37,868
Yeah, you'll
love it down there.
296
00:13:37,868 --> 00:13:40,033
All right, fellas,
think nothin' of it there.
297
00:13:40,033 --> 00:13:42,667
Sit down, sit down.
Sorry, I lost my head here.
298
00:13:42,667 --> 00:13:45,434
That's all right.
Think nothin' of it.
299
00:13:45,434 --> 00:13:47,434
Guys like that, you know...
300
00:13:47,434 --> 00:13:49,501
You need another double?
Yeah, yeah.
301
00:13:49,501 --> 00:13:53,100
Once again here
on the double 11-year-old scotch.
302
00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:55,534
And a beer for you, huh?
I still got two left.
303
00:13:55,534 --> 00:13:57,334
Well, then, all you need
is two more.
304
00:13:57,334 --> 00:13:59,167
And I'll get you
a sandwich to go with it.
305
00:13:59,167 --> 00:14:02,234
Here's the sandwich.
There's only one there. There you go.
306
00:14:02,234 --> 00:14:04,200
Hey, hey,
what's the matter here?
307
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:07,767
Geez, the sandwiches
went awful fast, didn't they?
308
00:14:07,767 --> 00:14:09,801
Yeah, they sure did.
309
00:14:19,501 --> 00:14:21,501
How many?
310
00:14:22,767 --> 00:14:24,400
Five.
311
00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:28,000
Five. At two dollars a throw,
312
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:29,501
that makes...
313
00:14:29,501 --> 00:14:32,934
somewheres in the neighborhood
of ten dollars.
314
00:14:32,934 --> 00:14:35,100
Take it out of my salary.
315
00:14:35,100 --> 00:14:37,534
( muttering )
No, no, Arch,
316
00:14:37,534 --> 00:14:39,501
he's the father
of your grandchild.
317
00:14:39,501 --> 00:14:41,167
How do I know that?!
318
00:14:41,167 --> 00:14:42,601
I need four
sandwiches.
319
00:14:42,601 --> 00:14:45,234
Three ham, and one
lettuce and tomato.
320
00:14:45,234 --> 00:14:46,534
We ain't got no sandwiches left,
321
00:14:46,534 --> 00:14:48,234
and we never had
no lettuce and tomato.
322
00:14:48,234 --> 00:14:49,667
Wait, wait. Come here.
323
00:14:49,667 --> 00:14:52,601
Who the hell is
the lettuce and tomato?
324
00:14:52,601 --> 00:14:54,701
That guy over there.
325
00:14:54,701 --> 00:14:56,534
Oh...
326
00:14:56,534 --> 00:15:00,634
I'll get he didn't
come on to you, neither.
327
00:15:00,634 --> 00:15:02,400
No.
Oh.
328
00:15:04,234 --> 00:15:08,300
If Lettuce and Tomato
starts headin' for that men's toilet,
329
00:15:08,300 --> 00:15:10,267
you let me know.
330
00:15:10,267 --> 00:15:12,400
You circulate here.
331
00:15:13,467 --> 00:15:16,000
Relax and savor your drink.
332
00:15:16,000 --> 00:15:18,734
Save it for what?
I want to drink it.
333
00:15:18,734 --> 00:15:22,200
You know, Jack,
you're stupid, but you're loyal.
334
00:15:22,200 --> 00:15:24,100
Yeah, it's true.
335
00:15:24,100 --> 00:15:26,200
ARCHIE:
Announcement, everybody.
336
00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:28,901
Before the second half
starts here,
337
00:15:28,901 --> 00:15:31,067
I just want to take
the opportunity
338
00:15:31,067 --> 00:15:33,968
to express my,
whaddyacallit, gratitude,
339
00:15:33,968 --> 00:15:36,734
and depreciation
to all my loyal friends
340
00:15:36,734 --> 00:15:40,033
and customers here
who are here with me today
341
00:15:40,033 --> 00:15:44,367
to share with me in watching
this magnificent sportin' event.
342
00:15:44,367 --> 00:15:46,033
( applause )
343
00:15:46,033 --> 00:15:49,067
What I would like to do
is to raise a toast--
344
00:15:49,067 --> 00:15:50,868
toast, toast--
345
00:15:50,868 --> 00:15:55,033
yeah, and my toast is to
a happy new year,
346
00:15:55,033 --> 00:15:58,167
which as you all know
just recently commenced, see,
347
00:15:58,167 --> 00:16:02,667
and may it have
brotherly love
348
00:16:02,667 --> 00:16:04,634
and-and-and friendship
349
00:16:04,634 --> 00:16:07,701
and good feelings
and long life...
350
00:16:07,701 --> 00:16:10,033
to all. Bottoms up.
351
00:16:10,033 --> 00:16:12,133
ALL: Bottoms up.
Salud.
352
00:16:13,701 --> 00:16:15,367
Okay.
353
00:16:15,367 --> 00:16:17,267
Arch,
that was beautiful.
354
00:16:17,267 --> 00:16:19,801
I didn't know
you had it in ya.
355
00:16:19,801 --> 00:16:21,434
Don't be sloppin'.
356
00:16:21,434 --> 00:16:23,701
Now that I got them
to empty their glasses,
357
00:16:23,701 --> 00:16:27,567
you go get 'em
to fill 'em up again.
358
00:16:27,567 --> 00:16:29,167
All right.
359
00:16:29,167 --> 00:16:31,467
Who needs a drink?
360
00:16:31,467 --> 00:16:33,167
ALL: Five, four,
361
00:16:33,167 --> 00:16:35,767
three, two, one!
362
00:16:35,767 --> 00:16:37,534
TV: ( gun shot )
363
00:16:37,534 --> 00:16:39,334
And there's the gunending the game.
364
00:16:39,334 --> 00:16:41,734
Super Bowl XII is history.
365
00:16:41,734 --> 00:16:44,467
Hey! Hey!
I win the pool!
366
00:16:44,467 --> 00:16:47,133
I win the pool!
Five hundred bucks!
367
00:16:47,133 --> 00:16:49,000
More important than that,
368
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,634
we're takin' in here
over a thousand dollars.
369
00:16:51,634 --> 00:16:53,467
This may go to $1200 here.
370
00:16:53,467 --> 00:16:55,567
Twelve hundred
smackaroos? That's right.
371
00:16:55,567 --> 00:16:58,334
And we're stickin' it all
right into that bank suppository
372
00:16:58,334 --> 00:17:00,467
as soon as we get a chance.
373
00:17:00,467 --> 00:17:04,167
Hey, Arch, don't you think
this calls for drinks on the house?
374
00:17:04,167 --> 00:17:06,567
You're damn right--
one for you and one for me.
375
00:17:06,567 --> 00:17:10,133
Hey, pal, I'd like
to say a few words
376
00:17:10,133 --> 00:17:13,200
to all the customers
before anyone leaves, okay?
377
00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:14,667
Oh, sure, sure.
378
00:17:14,667 --> 00:17:18,100
Hey, announcement!
Announcement there.
379
00:17:18,100 --> 00:17:20,868
My new buddy here--
what's your name again?
380
00:17:20,868 --> 00:17:22,434
Just call me Sam.
381
00:17:22,434 --> 00:17:23,868
My new buddy here Sam,
382
00:17:23,868 --> 00:17:26,567
before anybody leaves,
he wants to say a few words to ya there,
383
00:17:26,567 --> 00:17:28,868
so hang on for this,
because you never know,
384
00:17:28,868 --> 00:17:32,567
the guy might spring for
a round of drinks for everybody.
385
00:17:32,567 --> 00:17:34,801
Thank you, thank you,
thank you.
386
00:17:34,801 --> 00:17:37,434
I just want to say that
this is a hold-up,
387
00:17:37,434 --> 00:17:38,567
so nobody move.
388
00:17:38,567 --> 00:17:40,167
( all laugh )
389
00:17:42,901 --> 00:17:46,067
( fires gun, patrons scream )
390
00:17:46,067 --> 00:17:47,334
I ain't kiddin'.
391
00:17:47,334 --> 00:17:49,701
Now, if anyone
tries to leave,
392
00:17:49,701 --> 00:17:52,834
I guarantee they'll be detained
at the door by my partner.
393
00:17:52,834 --> 00:17:54,033
( gunshot, screams )
394
00:17:54,033 --> 00:17:56,667
Hey! You're shootin' holes
in our ceiling!
395
00:17:56,667 --> 00:17:58,567
You want I should
put a hole in him?
396
00:17:58,567 --> 00:18:01,267
You wouldn't want that,
would you, stupid?
397
00:18:01,267 --> 00:18:03,100
No,
stick to the ceiling.
398
00:18:03,100 --> 00:18:04,100
All right.
399
00:18:04,100 --> 00:18:06,200
Everybody remove your watches.
400
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:08,634
And take your money and your
wallets out of your pockets
401
00:18:08,634 --> 00:18:09,801
and put it on the tables.
402
00:18:09,801 --> 00:18:12,000
You, girly.
Me?
403
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:14,834
Yeah, you.
You got somethin' in there?
404
00:18:14,834 --> 00:18:16,834
Sure.
What?
405
00:18:16,834 --> 00:18:18,300
Me.
406
00:18:18,300 --> 00:18:20,901
Well, I thought
I saw somethin' green.
407
00:18:20,901 --> 00:18:24,467
Whaddya, got one of
them Muppets in there?
408
00:18:28,934 --> 00:18:32,167
Take this bag.
Drop your tray.
409
00:18:32,167 --> 00:18:34,801
Drop it!
Put the money in there.
410
00:18:34,801 --> 00:18:37,868
And go get the valuables.
Go ahead, move it!
411
00:18:39,100 --> 00:18:41,300
And I'll take this.
412
00:18:41,300 --> 00:18:42,701
Sweetheart...
413
00:18:42,701 --> 00:18:45,968
amble over here
and take care of this.
414
00:18:48,467 --> 00:18:50,133
Where's your gold?
415
00:18:50,133 --> 00:18:52,634
Uh--oh, yeah.
Wait a second.
416
00:18:52,634 --> 00:18:54,167
I, uh--
417
00:18:54,167 --> 00:18:57,868
Arch, here's the ten dollars
you wanted for the sandwiches.
418
00:18:57,868 --> 00:18:59,567
Oh, thanks, meathead.
419
00:18:59,567 --> 00:19:01,467
I'll take that.
420
00:19:04,067 --> 00:19:08,734
And perchance
is there something left in the cash register?
421
00:19:08,734 --> 00:19:11,267
There ain't nothin'!
You got it all, you cleaned me out!
422
00:19:11,267 --> 00:19:13,400
Open it.
Oh, all right.
423
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:15,167
See? There ain't
nothin' in there.
424
00:19:15,167 --> 00:19:18,234
Perhaps there's something
hidden under the cash drawer?
425
00:19:18,234 --> 00:19:19,501
There ain't nothin' under--
426
00:19:19,501 --> 00:19:21,834
well, there is
my lucky buck here,
427
00:19:21,834 --> 00:19:23,501
but geez, I wouldn't
want to lose that.
428
00:19:23,501 --> 00:19:27,000
Why? It ain't doin' you
no good.
429
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:29,300
Very true.
430
00:19:29,300 --> 00:19:31,667
Awright, out from
behind the bar.
431
00:19:31,667 --> 00:19:34,200
Yeah, out from
behind the bar. Geez.
432
00:19:40,868 --> 00:19:44,067
Now everybody
drop your pants.
433
00:19:44,067 --> 00:19:45,734
( all groan, protest )
434
00:19:45,734 --> 00:19:47,701
( fires gun )
Aaaah!
435
00:19:47,701 --> 00:19:50,234
Drop the pants,
drop the pants.
436
00:20:04,367 --> 00:20:08,868
Now Simon says...
put your hands on your heads.
437
00:20:11,901 --> 00:20:14,601
I said both hands.
438
00:20:20,667 --> 00:20:23,601
Couldn't you spare
the other one?
439
00:20:28,334 --> 00:20:33,167
Okay, I don't want
none of you to move for five minutes.
440
00:20:33,167 --> 00:20:36,801
How we gonna tell five minutes?
You stole everybody's watch!
441
00:20:38,367 --> 00:20:39,868
You count!
442
00:20:39,868 --> 00:20:41,701
One, Mississippi,
443
00:20:41,701 --> 00:20:43,567
two, Mississippi--
444
00:20:43,567 --> 00:20:46,033
everybody!--
three, Mississippi,
445
00:20:46,033 --> 00:20:47,968
ALL: ...four Mississippi,
446
00:20:47,968 --> 00:20:50,834
five, Mississippi,
six, Mississippi,
447
00:20:50,834 --> 00:20:54,334
seven, Mississippi,
eight, Mississippi,
448
00:20:54,334 --> 00:20:57,634
nine, Mississippi,
ten, Mississippi,
449
00:20:57,634 --> 00:21:00,801
eleven, Mississippi,
twelve Mississippi,
450
00:21:00,801 --> 00:21:04,133
thirteen, Mississippi,
fourteen, Mississippi...
451
00:21:04,133 --> 00:21:06,634
Arch.
What, Mississippi?
452
00:21:08,434 --> 00:21:11,534
They're gone.
I'm puttin' my pants on.
453
00:21:11,534 --> 00:21:15,267
Do you want them
to come back and kill you, Mississippi?
454
00:21:15,267 --> 00:21:19,067
At least I'll be found
with my pants on, Mississippi.
455
00:21:19,067 --> 00:21:21,100
( counting continues )
456
00:21:26,334 --> 00:21:29,767
( dialogue inaudible
under audience laughter )
457
00:21:32,667 --> 00:21:34,834
( counting continues )
458
00:21:37,767 --> 00:21:39,567
What's going on?
459
00:21:39,567 --> 00:21:41,801
Daddy, what game
are you playing?
460
00:21:41,801 --> 00:21:43,701
Don't ask no questions,
little girl!
461
00:21:43,701 --> 00:21:46,534
We just gotta stand like this
for the next four minutes!
462
00:21:46,534 --> 00:21:48,200
EDITH: What happened?
463
00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:50,467
There was
an armed robbery here!
464
00:21:50,467 --> 00:21:53,901
Ahhhh!
Two guys came in here, held us up,
465
00:21:53,901 --> 00:21:55,534
and made us drop our pants.
466
00:21:55,534 --> 00:21:57,067
Oh, no!
467
00:21:57,067 --> 00:21:59,601
Honey, are you all right?
468
00:21:59,601 --> 00:22:02,834
Yeah, I'm fine.
That's terrible, Michael.
469
00:22:02,834 --> 00:22:05,167
Was anybody hurt?
470
00:22:05,167 --> 00:22:07,400
Everybody was hurt, Edith!
471
00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:10,901
We was all wounded
right in our wallets!
472
00:22:10,901 --> 00:22:14,200
Oh, my,
pull up your pants.
473
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:15,934
All right, geez!
474
00:22:15,934 --> 00:22:18,601
Edith, this is
the worst day of my whole life.
475
00:22:18,601 --> 00:22:20,501
After all the--owww!
476
00:22:22,334 --> 00:22:24,667
Will you let me do this?
477
00:22:24,667 --> 00:22:27,767
I know where everything goes.
478
00:22:32,100 --> 00:22:33,901
Ahhh...
479
00:22:33,901 --> 00:22:36,734
Oh, poor Archie.
480
00:22:36,734 --> 00:22:40,200
Twelve hundred dollars gone
like that.
481
00:22:40,200 --> 00:22:42,033
But I wanna tell ya,
482
00:22:42,033 --> 00:22:44,934
the most humiliating thing
of all, Edith...
483
00:22:44,934 --> 00:22:47,267
What?
484
00:22:47,267 --> 00:22:50,300
Of all this crowd
of men here...
485
00:22:50,300 --> 00:22:53,734
I had the worstest-lookin'
shorts.
486
00:22:56,434 --> 00:22:58,367
Yeah.
487
00:23:00,601 --> 00:23:05,200
But you had
the bestest-lookin' legs.
488
00:23:06,734 --> 00:23:09,200
Yeah?
Yeah.
489
00:23:09,200 --> 00:23:13,901
And I heard a man over there
sayin' he thought you did, too.
490
00:23:44,300 --> 00:23:46,534
All In The Family
was recorded on tape
491
00:23:46,534 --> 00:23:48,334
before a live audience.
492
00:23:48,384 --> 00:23:52,934
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