Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

[SIGHS]

Excuse me.

Will you take the Sunny Suds challenge?

Are you talkin' to me?

Yes.

Will you sell me this shirt?

Oh, no, I couldn't do that.

This is my husband's favorite shirt.

He got it at Disneyworld.

It's a Donald Duck original, see?

There's Donald Duck's autograph

in his own hand writin'.

Can't you use $50?

$50?

Good, we've got a deal.

( rips loudly )

What are you doin'?!

Look what he did!

He tore my husband's favorite shirt,

and I don't even know him! He's a perfect stranger!

Wh--What are you doin'?

That--Don't do that! That ain't no hamburger.

Let me have that.

Don't do that!

What am I gonna say to my hus--

Oh...

You're the shirt-ripper on TV.

Guilty.

Terrific, terrific.

Cut, cut, cut.

Couldn't be better if she was a pro.

- Hello. - Oh, hello.

I'm Peter Gray. I direct TV commercials.

And this is Mr. Prescott, our account exec.

How do you do?

And over there behind those dryers is our cameraman.

Hey, Arnold, wave to the lady!

Hello.

That's Arnold.

Oh. Was I on TV?

Oh, no, no, no.

We're just doing a test for a detergent,

new improved Sunny Suds.

And of course, you recognize Ricky Buffano,

star of your favorite commercials.

Oh, yeah. You're the man in the Perky Potty, too.

I'm the one. You like that commercial?

Oh, yeah, it's our favorite.

My husband can never figure out

how you get down into that little boat.

And-and why you ain't never flushed away.

I'll bet your husband would flip if he saw you

in a commercial with Ricky, now wouldn't he?

He's gonna flip when he sees this shirt.

How would you like to be in our commercial?

Oh, no. I don't know what--

I tell you what. I'll take your name and address.

- What is your name? - Edith Bunker.

A commercial? Me in a com--?

Oh, no, no.

You wouldn't want that. I take terrible pictures.

Oh, I can't believe that!

Oh, yeah, it's true.

Here, I'll show ya.

I got a picture in here.

The worst picture I ever took, though,

was in my high school yearbook.

Oh, my, that was so terrible

I went around inking it out in everybody's book.

Well, what's your address, please?

704 Hauser Street.

Here! See there?

Now see, that's my grandson, little Joey.

He's adorable.

I was playing with him,

but you can see that I didn't come out good at all.

See, I was trying to make him laugh.

Like this.

Oh, you're so natural, so absolutely natural!

Basil, she's it. She's it!

She's the one!

She is dynamite!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey, Edith!

Edith, I'm home and I don't wanna hear about nothing except sandwiches.

Hello, Archie!

Yeah.

All right, Edith, all right-- All right!

Edith, don't try to get nothing started now.

Archie, you'll never guess what happened today!

Don't torture me or waste my time, Edith.

Meathead's coming over in a couple minutes

to take me to the Knicks game.

Now get the sandwiches made, get 'em wrapped and ready to go, huh?

Well, where are you going?

I'm just going upstairs to change into my lucky shirt.

Oh, wait, your lucky shirt ain't up there.

Well, where is it?

Well, I'll tell ya...

and if you don't believe me, I won't blame ya,

'cause I know what happened and I don't believe it.

You know what-- What?

Well, you see, Archie...

today our washing machine broke down.

Okay, okay, that's $35 to the Puerto Rican guy.

Now don't make this a long story.

Well, see, I had to take the wash to the laundry mat,

and while I was there, this man comes up to me and taps me on the shoulder,

and he turns out to be the man in the Perky Potty commercial on TV!

[GROANING]

You know! The butler that gets into the little boat

way down at the bottom of the toilet!

And now he's the shirt-ripper!

You know, that comes into the laundry mat

and says to the lady, "Could I buy that shirt?"

And-and then he rips it in two.

And that's what happened today.

What happened today?

The shirt-ripper ripped your shirt.

Uh, oh, Edith...

now you ain't sawing about my Disneyworld shirt?

Yeah.

You mean the authentic Donald Duck signature shirt?

Yeah. Yeah, but he gave me $50 for it.

I do-- $50?

Yeah.

And they want me to do a commercial, too.

He wants you to be in the commercial? Edith, well--

Hey, Arch! We better hurry, we're gonna be late for the game.

Take it easy, will you? We got over an hour to get there.

You don't wanna miss Charo singing the national anthem.

[THICK SPANISH ACCENT] ♪ Oh, say can you see ♪

♪ Coochie, coochie! ♪

You know how you love that.

Why must you always insult our finest traditions?

Wait a minute, Edith, get back here.

I wanna hear about this. Did you hear this?

Somebody's gonna put your mother-in-law into a commercial.

Really, Ma?

Oh, well, I ain't sure.

And even if I was sure, I ain't sure that I could do it.

And even if I was sure that I could do it,

I ain't sure that they'd want me to do it.

And even if they want me to do it,

I ain't sure that I can do it or that I wanna do it.

What the hell are you talking about? You gotta do it!

Don't you know that people make a fortune off them commercials?

Oh, my God, you didn't talk money with the guy, did you?

- Oh, no. - No, never do that.

Leave all talking about important things like money to the man.

That's the way God wanted it.

Since when?

Ever since Eve bought a bum apple from a snake.

Look it up!

Oh, I'll get your sandwiches for the game.

- Edith, Edith. - Ma.

I hope they don't ask you to do one of those silly commercials.

Shut up, you-- Will you--

Don't be worrying her about something silly.

Silly is good.

Silly sells.

Look at all the top commercials you see on TV there.

I mean, what, take your talking animal commercials.

Morris the cat, right?

Well, that's silly, right?

The cat comes on, he says, "I hope she's gonna give me that lunch now."

I mean, that's silly.

Where the hell you gonna find a cat who can talk that good?

But that's the basis there for all the commercial industry.

That's the basis of your whole advertising industry!

Let me tell you something!

The basis of the whole U.S. economy is silly!

So you're saying that you enjoy the fact

that commercials insult your intelligence?

Yes, I do!

I mean, without commercials, a lotta people'd be doing the wrong thing.

Without commercials, maybe we'd be clogging up all our arteries

with butter there instead of flushing them out with margarine.

Here's another thing.

For instance, without them commercials,

how would the women know what to do

with them there disposable douches?

They might keep them damn things around for no good reason!

Use your bean once in a while, will ya?

Arch, what about all the garbage they sell?

I mean, kids begging their mothers to buy them that breakfast cereal

that's so full of sugar it rots their teeth?

Dentists gotta live, don't they?

And let me tell you something else!

Without them commercials, you wouldn't even enjoy your TV that much!

Because the commercials, they give you time to--

A. Light up a cigar,

1. Make yourself a sandwich there,

C. Answer the phone,

and 4. Run to the can.

You like that, huh? You like when the commercials interrupt the programming?

You like when some dope comes on there and talks about painful hemorrhoids

in the middle of a newscast when they're talking about some deep, dark tragedy?

Let me tell you something.

There ain't no deeper, darker tragedy than painful hemorrhoids.

Hey, Edith! Come out here! I gotta talk to you more about this.

Arch, are we going to the game or what?

The hell with the game. There could be millions of dollars in the balance.

- Come on, Arch. - I'm answering the door.

Get away, get away!

- Yeah. - Oh, hello.

I'm Mr. Prescott of the Ken Ray Advertising Agency.

Uh, is Mrs. Bunker home?

I wanna talk to her about a TV commercial.

Oh, you're the guy that wants to put her in the commercial, huh?

Well, come on in, Mr. Escrod, there.

- It's, uh, Prescott. - Oh, yeah, whatever.

Hey, this is my son-in-law, Mike Stivic here.

- Hi, how do you do? - No time for that.

He's gotta go right now.

He's sorry, but he's got to rush right down

to the subway station to wait for me.

Ah, you don't wanna shake my hands anyway, I have ring around the collar.

Get lost, huh?

Tell me, did I, uh, did I say anything to offend him?

Ah, no, he's only a Polack.

So am I.

Hey, listen, they're fine people with a great sense of humor.

They never take offense at nothing, huh?

Come on, sit down, sit down.

Make yourself at home, Mr., uh...

Prescott.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

You thought I was gonna blow the name again, huh?

Hi, uh, Edith there?

There's a Mr. Prestone out here to see ya.

- Prescott! - [GIBBERS]

I made liverwurst on rye and two ham and cheese--

Oh!

How do you do, Mrs. Bunker?

Oh, how do you do, Mr. Prescott?

Sit down, Edith. Sit down, sit down, please.

He's over here to talk to you about the commercial. You know, Edith?

- That's right-- - Would you care for a liverwurst sandwich?

Oh, no. No thank you. I'm on a diet.

Oh, swell, swell.

Uh, Mrs. Bunker, I was rather, uh,

rather impressed with the, uh, job you did on that--

on that test today.

Hey, you hear that, Edith?

They liked that job you done on the test today.

Thank you, but Mr. Prescott, I don't think I oughta--

She don't think,

because she lets me do the thinking for her.

Well, you see, the, uh, the client wasn't too enthusiastic,

so, uh, I had to do a little convincing.

What does that mean?

I'll tell you what that means.

That means that they wanna knock down your price there.

Am I right, Mr. Polack?

Uh, I mean, Prescott.

Eh, what she was starting to say was

that she don't think she could do your commercial

for the monies yous is offering.

I haven't offered anything yet.

That's the whole point!

How is the woman gonna accept an offer

that you ain't even made yet, huh?

You ain't dealing with children here.

Well, Mr. Bunker, I can see that you are an astute businessman.

That's what you think. I know what I'm doing.

So, uh, I will not offer you minimum--

Whoa, ho, ho, hold it. Hold it there, buddy.

We insist on minimum.

Very well. That will be $218 for the full day's work.

Yeah, and let me tell you something else.

We know what minimum means.

It means there can't be nothing less, right?

Definitely, yes.

Well, you got a deal.

Huh?

Yeah, there you go, Edith.

Now you see what happens when you let me do the talking?

♪ Some enchanted evening ♪

Just kidding around, you know?

There's no way... then what the hell, eh?

Hey! Oh, jeez, look at you. Ed--

Oh, my, you look gorgeous, dear.

Hey, Rosie, you done a great job

of reparations down here.

Thank you.

You know who you put me in mind of?

You know who she puts me in mind of?

You know the dame who's on television,

always grinning and lollygagging

at the husband there?

And she says to him, "It's Geritol

that gives me the hots for you"?

Oh, Archie.

That's what she says, and he says to her,

"You're cute. I think I'll keep you."

I don't like that commercial.

It's a very heartwarming commercial.

And I think I'll keep you, too, Edith.

Hey, give me a kiss?

Don't-- don't you dare!

Hey, come on, we're married.

You'll smudge her makeup.

Oh, jeez, smudgety... [GIBBERS]

Now, Mrs. Bunker, just be your natural self.

You'll be great, a winner! Mmm!

Hey, yeah...

I don't think nothing about that.

See, showbiz people, they're always hugging.

They'd hug a barber pole and call it darling.

Now, don't be nervous.

Oh, I ain't nervous, but... [MOUTHING]

Go to the bathroom?

Shh.

The people who work in TV don't do that.

Well, what do they do?

They think, "Empty, empty, empty."

Let's put one on film, Mrs. Bunker.

Here we go. Here we go.

Now, just remember what I said.

Just be your own, delicious self.

Your test the other day where

we tore the shirt was so yummy,

that we're going to use that for our opening.

Now! Oh, excusez-moi, Mr. Bunker.

Yeah, yeah, go ahead, yeah.

These are the two halves of Mr. Bunker's shirt.

You know, you can't buy that shirt

in a regular store.

I mean, that's, you know, an authentic Donald Duck autographed shirt.

You can only buy that down in Disneyworld.

That's in Florida.

Mr. Bunker, you're precious.

Are you gay?

Are you?

No.

I'm so relieved.

Now, one half was washed by your old detergent

and the other by our new improved Sunny Suds.

Ricky will ask you which half is cleaner and brighter

and you pick the one.

That's all you have to do.

Oh! That's easy.

Okay, let's roll!

ARNOLD: Rolling! We got speed.

New improved Sunny Suds commercial,

Edith Bunker, take one.

PETE: Action!

Excuse me.

Oh, yeah. Hey! Oh, hey!

Hey, look who's here!

Hey, Edith, look who's over here.

Hey, I'd know you anywhere from the millions of times I seen ya in the toilet.

Hey, it's the guy in the toilet here.

Bunker, arrivederci! Arrivederci!

Yeah, yeah, all right.

Are we still rolling?

ARNOLD: Still rolling! Still got speed!

Okay, uh, action! Ricky?

All right, Mrs. Bunker, this is the big moment.

Which one is brighter and cleaner?

Oh, that one.

Cut! Oh, that was very good, dear, very good.

Just one tiny problem. You selected your brand.

I know, but I think that was cleaner--

No! Doo, doo, doo, doo!

So if your brand is on this side,

then we all know what's on the other side.

New...

Improved Sunny Suds?

Right.

Do you want me to pick this one?

We want you to pick the one that's brighter,

which anyone can plainly see might well be our product.

Okay. Let's try another one.

PETE: Roll it!

- ARNOLD: We got speed. - PETE: Sticks!

New improved Sunny Suds commercial,

Edith Bunker, take two.

Accion!

All right, Mrs. Bunker, this is the big moment.

Which one is brighter and cleaner?

Go for the one on the left.

Cut!

Mr. Bunker! Mr. Bunker, will you get off the set?

- Mr. Bunker? - Yeah.

Scram-ez vous!

All right!

Okay, uh, roll it.

ARNOLD: Rolling. We got speed.

PETE: Sticks!

New improved Sunny Suds commercial,

Edith Bunker, take three.

Action!

All right, Mrs. Bunker, this is the big moment.

Which one is brighter and cleaner?

Well, this one--

Cut!

Mr. Bunker, you must be quiet!

She can't do it! I know how she is.

She-she-- I'm only--

Listen, if you let me talk to her a minute,

then you get results.

Now let me try. Edith, come over here.

Come over here. Let me talk to her.

Edith, darling, listen to me. Are you a dumbbell or what?

Why do you always go with the soap that ain't the money?

Archie, Ricky asked me which one I thought

was cleaner and brighter, and that was the one.

I know it was my soap, but I can't help that it's true.

I mean, your shirts and your jockey shorts

are always bright and fluffy, ain't they?

The world don't give a damn

if my jockey shorts look and feel like Brillo.

Well, I do.

Uh, Mr. Bunker, listen. I'm sorry, but we're gonna have to call it off.

No, wait a minute. Then we miss getting the $218?

No, she'll get that, but no residuals.

Well, I don't care about the residuals, all I want is the money.

Mr. Bunker, you don't understand.

Residuals are money.

Every time the commercial is run, there's another fee.

It can mount to $2,000 or $3,000.

Roll 'em, and action there!

No, Mr. Bunker, no. It's no use.

Wait, wait a minute. See, the wife has a problem.

She never learned to lie, you know?

But for $2,000 or $3,000, she's gonna learn now.

- Hold on one second. - All right, okay.

Edith, I wanna talk to you.

That's okay, honey, you don't have to make her up.

Do it yourself. You're getting pale there.

Edith, Edith, Edith,

all you gotta do is pick their soap there,

you could have a new whole career for yourself there.

I mean, you could be like Anita O'Brien, hustling fruits.

It's true, it's true.

Edith, you're taking it too serious, you see?

I mean, you don't have to really mean what you say--

Do you think John Wayne really eats them aspirin there?

Come on!

A guy like the Duke gets himself a headache,

he pulls a gun and he shoots it.

Do you think that O.J. Simpson

really drives around in a Hertz rental car?

Like hell.

The guy's got himself a purple Cadillac

with zebra seat covers.

How do you know all that?

Jeez, read the National Enquirer there, will ya?

Archie, I don't know why,

but I got the feeling that you're asking me to lie.

I would never do that, Edith.

It ain't me, it ain't me.

It's the law, you know that?

The law says that on TV,

they gotta give the lie equal time with the truth.

Why the hell do you think they televise the Democrat conventions?

Go on, do your stuff. Now get in there.

Get in there, get in there.

Now, you pick the right one this time, Edith.

Okay, now I think she's ready.

Pete, could you roll your sticks again?

Okay, gang, let's give it one more try.

- Roll, please. - ARNOLD: Rolling!

- We got speed. - Sticks.

New improved Sunny Suds commercial,

Edith Bunker, take three.

Hey, ain't that take four, pal?

Never mind! Go ahead! Action!

All right, Mrs. Bunker, this is the big moment.

Which one is brighter and cleaner?

Well...

uh...this one...

is the one my husband thinks I should pick,

but I think this one is cleaner.

[YELLING]

Uh, Mrs. Bunker, I'm sorry.

That's a wrap! Let's go home, everybody.

I'm sorry!

Thank you very much, Mrs. Bunker.

You'll get the $218 in the mail.

Oh, no, no! I shouldn't be paid--

Will you stifle yourself?

I ain't done nothing.

What do you mean? You done your best and that's something.

And you ain't mad?

Oh, no, why should I be mad, Edith?

You know, so we lose $3,000.

Well, I guess we can use the $218

towards a new washing machine.

Or I could take the $218

and buy a pistol,

and blow my brains out and still have change left over.

Oh, no. We really need a washing machine.

[GROANING]

ROB REINER: All in the Family

was recorded on tape before a live audience.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0