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1
00:00:01,334 --> 00:00:04,934
♪ I stepped out of a dream ♪
2
00:00:04,934 --> 00:00:09,701
♪ I am too wonderful to me,
I seem ♪
3
00:00:09,701 --> 00:00:10,701
Oh!
4
00:00:10,701 --> 00:00:11,701
Oh!
5
00:00:11,701 --> 00:00:15,701
You remember
Beverly La Salle, Mike.
6
00:00:15,701 --> 00:00:18,434
Beverly? Gee,
how are you?
7
00:00:18,434 --> 00:00:21,534
I didn't recognize you
without your dress on.
8
00:00:21,534 --> 00:00:23,734
Two guys were just mugged
down on the corner.
9
00:00:23,734 --> 00:00:25,033
Now, I didn't see it,
10
00:00:25,033 --> 00:00:27,234
but someone said
that one of the guys looked like Mike.
11
00:00:27,234 --> 00:00:29,400
Now, the cops and ambulance
are on their way. [SIRENS APPROACHING]
12
00:00:29,400 --> 00:00:30,434
Mike got mugged?
Yeah.
13
00:00:30,434 --> 00:00:32,167
GLORIA:
What did you just say?
14
00:00:32,167 --> 00:00:33,400
Don't tell them.
15
00:00:33,400 --> 00:00:34,734
Mike got mugged.
[GROANS]
16
00:00:34,734 --> 00:00:37,634
Are you also related
to Beverly La Salle?
17
00:00:37,634 --> 00:00:41,067
Oh, uh, you ain't tellin' us
that he's, uh...
18
00:00:41,067 --> 00:00:44,400
I'm sorry.
He just died.
19
00:00:44,400 --> 00:00:47,200
I can't understand it.
20
00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:50,434
I mean, everything was goin'
so good for him,
21
00:00:50,434 --> 00:00:53,334
and then somebody
had to kill him.
22
00:00:53,334 --> 00:00:55,901
Yeah, just because
he was different.
23
00:00:59,567 --> 00:01:01,801
The way I feel today,
24
00:01:01,801 --> 00:01:06,667
I may not
go to church...ever.
25
00:01:06,667 --> 00:01:09,968
I really think that
somebody from the family
26
00:01:09,968 --> 00:01:13,234
oughta kinda be there,
27
00:01:13,234 --> 00:01:15,868
representing us
in front of God.
28
00:01:15,868 --> 00:01:18,234
Why?
29
00:01:18,234 --> 00:01:21,601
What good does it do?
30
00:01:21,601 --> 00:01:23,968
Oh, Ma.
31
00:01:25,100 --> 00:01:28,534
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
32
00:01:28,534 --> 00:01:31,868
♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪
33
00:01:31,868 --> 00:01:34,901
♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪
34
00:01:34,901 --> 00:01:37,400
♪ Those were the days ♪
35
00:01:37,400 --> 00:01:41,000
♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪
36
00:01:41,000 --> 00:01:44,200
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪
37
00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:49,367
♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪
38
00:01:49,367 --> 00:01:52,534
♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪
39
00:01:52,534 --> 00:01:55,634
♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪
40
00:01:55,634 --> 00:01:59,968
♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪
41
00:01:59,968 --> 00:02:05,567
♪ Those were the days ♪
42
00:02:08,634 --> 00:02:09,868
Smile!
43
00:02:09,868 --> 00:02:12,567
Here we go!
44
00:02:12,567 --> 00:02:14,100
It stuck its tongue
out again.
45
00:02:14,100 --> 00:02:15,400
What are you
gonna do?
46
00:02:15,400 --> 00:02:16,901
Okay, let's go
find a fire!
47
00:02:16,901 --> 00:02:20,067
Here we go!
[IMITATES SIREN]
48
00:02:20,067 --> 00:02:21,901
Here we go!
Here we go!
49
00:02:21,901 --> 00:02:24,734
Okay, now on your way
back from the fire,
50
00:02:24,734 --> 00:02:26,367
let me get
one more shot.
51
00:02:26,367 --> 00:02:28,234
Okay, we're coming back
from the fire.
52
00:02:28,234 --> 00:02:29,400
Your mother wants--
53
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:30,734
- Whoa!
- ...more pictures, see?
54
00:02:30,734 --> 00:02:33,234
She wants to take a picture
of every minute of your life.
55
00:02:33,234 --> 00:02:34,901
You'll see them all
when you grow up.
56
00:02:34,901 --> 00:02:37,968
Oh, I think he's get--
Yeah, he's getting a little sleepy, honey.
57
00:02:37,968 --> 00:02:40,534
Yeah, why don't we
give him a nap?
58
00:02:40,534 --> 00:02:42,934
He's been up since
5:00 this morning, huh?
59
00:02:42,934 --> 00:02:44,767
But don't you think
we should keep him up
60
00:02:44,767 --> 00:02:46,167
till Ma and Daddy
get over here?
61
00:02:46,167 --> 00:02:48,634
Gloria, your mother and father
are not coming over here.
62
00:02:48,634 --> 00:02:51,267
Ma is very down
on Christmas this year.
63
00:02:51,267 --> 00:02:53,100
I wish she'd
snap out of it.
64
00:02:53,100 --> 00:02:54,534
It's keeping Daddy
away, too!
65
00:02:54,534 --> 00:02:56,968
Yeah, well, every cloud
has a silver lining.
66
00:02:56,968 --> 00:02:58,067
Michael!
67
00:03:00,467 --> 00:03:02,267
ARCHIE: ♪ Jingle bells,
jingle bells ♪
68
00:03:02,267 --> 00:03:03,601
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
69
00:03:03,601 --> 00:03:06,601
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
70
00:03:06,601 --> 00:03:08,901
♪ Oh, what fun
it is to ride ♪
71
00:03:08,901 --> 00:03:11,601
♪ In a somethin'
somethin' sleigh ♪
72
00:03:11,601 --> 00:03:13,033
[TOGETHER]
We're here.
73
00:03:13,033 --> 00:03:14,200
MIKE AND GLORIA:
Merry Christmas!
74
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:15,634
MIKE:
We'll be right down.
75
00:03:15,634 --> 00:03:20,367
Oh, jeez,
look at your son-in-law, the big ecologist there.
76
00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:22,067
He's all against
cutting down trees,
77
00:03:22,067 --> 00:03:23,601
but when he wants
a tree for himself,
78
00:03:23,601 --> 00:03:26,100
he goes and kills
the biggest one in the parking lot.
79
00:03:26,100 --> 00:03:31,100
Let's leave our presents,
Archie, and go home.
80
00:03:31,100 --> 00:03:33,734
Oh, no, no,
we can't do that, Edith.
81
00:03:33,734 --> 00:03:35,200
Come on,
what do you mean, home?
82
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:37,467
We come over here--
come on, come on, come on. This is Christmas.
83
00:03:37,467 --> 00:03:40,934
No, I don't feel
like opening presents.
84
00:03:40,934 --> 00:03:43,667
I ain't in the mood
to "ooh" and "ah".
85
00:03:43,667 --> 00:03:45,634
Edith, Edith, Edith,
you know.
86
00:03:45,634 --> 00:03:48,701
Come on, 'tis the season
to be jolly, you know?
87
00:03:48,701 --> 00:03:50,100
Now, be jolly!
88
00:03:52,167 --> 00:03:54,868
I wish I could,
but I can't.
89
00:03:54,868 --> 00:03:56,868
Now, you listen to me, Edith.
90
00:03:56,868 --> 00:03:59,534
You gotta get
over this Beverly business here.
91
00:03:59,534 --> 00:04:01,868
Hey, look at it this way.
92
00:04:01,868 --> 00:04:06,667
I mean, maybe she's lucky
that he lived as long as she did.
93
00:04:06,667 --> 00:04:08,033
What?
94
00:04:08,033 --> 00:04:10,400
Well, you know what I mean.
This is New York,
95
00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:12,501
and guys like Beverly--
96
00:04:12,501 --> 00:04:14,868
I mean, they're
either getting mugged by strangers
97
00:04:14,868 --> 00:04:16,767
or they're getting murdered
by close friends.
98
00:04:16,767 --> 00:04:19,000
You see it
in the paper every day.
99
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,868
I mean, in New York, fags is--
uh, I mean...
100
00:04:21,868 --> 00:04:24,868
[WHISPERS]
fags.
101
00:04:24,868 --> 00:04:28,934
That's--that's what you call
an "ungendered" species.
102
00:04:28,934 --> 00:04:31,734
And so, uh...
cheer up.
103
00:04:31,734 --> 00:04:34,634
Oh, Edith, Edith,
come on, hon.
104
00:04:34,634 --> 00:04:36,868
What do you want me to do?
105
00:04:36,868 --> 00:04:39,767
I just want you to be
the same old Edith there.
106
00:04:39,767 --> 00:04:42,467
Say something delightful,
huh?
107
00:04:42,467 --> 00:04:43,767
Like you always say.
108
00:04:43,767 --> 00:04:45,767
You know,
say the world is beautiful
109
00:04:45,767 --> 00:04:47,501
and all's right
with the world.
110
00:04:47,501 --> 00:04:49,334
God's taking care
of the world.
111
00:04:51,334 --> 00:04:53,734
I don't think He cares.
112
00:04:53,734 --> 00:04:55,334
Oh, come on, Edith.
113
00:04:55,334 --> 00:04:58,634
The Lord could send down
a "thundervolt" there at you.
114
00:04:58,634 --> 00:05:02,234
He could miss you, hit me.
115
00:05:02,234 --> 00:05:04,267
- GLORIA: Merry Christmas,
Mom and Daddy. - MIKE: Hey, folks.
116
00:05:04,267 --> 00:05:06,033
MIKE: We're glad you made it.
Thought you weren't gonna come.
117
00:05:06,033 --> 00:05:07,167
Merry Christmas, Ma.
118
00:05:07,167 --> 00:05:08,601
Merry Christmas,
Daddy.
119
00:05:08,601 --> 00:05:11,634
Merry Christmas
there--hold it.
120
00:05:11,634 --> 00:05:13,267
- Here. Put 'er there.
- Yeah, Merry Christmas.
121
00:05:13,267 --> 00:05:14,667
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
122
00:05:14,667 --> 00:05:17,133
Okay, come on.
We got the Merry Christmas over.
123
00:05:17,133 --> 00:05:19,234
I wanna see my grandson.
Bring on that kid.
124
00:05:19,234 --> 00:05:20,801
Oh, I'm sorry.
He's sleeping.
125
00:05:20,801 --> 00:05:23,834
He's sleeping at 10:00
in the morning?
126
00:05:23,834 --> 00:05:25,534
What is the child,
a wino?
127
00:05:28,000 --> 00:05:31,300
Arch, he was up
since 5:00 this morning playing with his toys.
128
00:05:31,300 --> 00:05:32,400
He was exhausted.
129
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:34,234
But every time
I come over here,
130
00:05:34,234 --> 00:05:36,834
the kid's either in bed
or in the bathtub or on the pot.
131
00:05:38,467 --> 00:05:40,400
You'll see him later,
okay?
132
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,067
Hey, come on.
Let's open up the presents.
133
00:05:42,067 --> 00:05:43,367
Who should we open first?
134
00:05:43,367 --> 00:05:46,300
Oh, what difference
does it make who first?
135
00:05:46,300 --> 00:05:48,801
Is mine handy there?
136
00:05:48,801 --> 00:05:51,367
Ma, uh, Daddy,
137
00:05:51,367 --> 00:05:53,901
I want you to see
what Michael gave me for Christmas
138
00:05:53,901 --> 00:05:55,467
besides
my beautiful new watch.
139
00:05:55,467 --> 00:05:57,467
Are you ready?
Ta-da.
140
00:05:57,467 --> 00:05:59,400
Oh, jeez!
141
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:01,367
Don't be exposing yourself
142
00:06:01,367 --> 00:06:05,000
in the living room,
dining room area here.
143
00:06:05,000 --> 00:06:07,567
- Daddy, look.
It's beautiful. - Oh, stop that.
144
00:06:07,567 --> 00:06:09,467
Close your eyes,
Meathead.
145
00:06:12,100 --> 00:06:15,400
Jeez, little girl.
146
00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:17,200
Didn't I teach you
to be decent
147
00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:20,100
and be ashamed
of your body?
148
00:06:20,100 --> 00:06:23,601
Daddy, you blush
if I show you a bare arm.
149
00:06:23,601 --> 00:06:25,801
Didn't you bathe me
when I was a baby?
150
00:06:25,801 --> 00:06:29,701
Well, certainly,
but then everything was small.
151
00:06:32,767 --> 00:06:36,100
Hey, Ma.
Here's a present for you from Gloria and me.
152
00:06:36,100 --> 00:06:37,634
Why don't you open it up?
153
00:06:37,634 --> 00:06:39,501
Oh, no, Mike.
Thank you. Not now.
154
00:06:39,501 --> 00:06:41,000
- Come on, Ma.
- No, honey, forget it.
155
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,901
Ma, come in the kitchen.
156
00:06:42,901 --> 00:06:46,200
We'll have a cup of coffee,
and we'll say vicious things about the neighbors.
157
00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:48,067
EDITH: Oh, Gloria.
158
00:06:51,133 --> 00:06:54,200
Jeez, what the hell
am I gonna do about this situation here?
159
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:56,200
Did you try talking to her?
160
00:06:56,200 --> 00:06:58,367
Certainly
I tried talking to her.
161
00:06:58,367 --> 00:07:01,133
I sat her down.
I held her hand, and I looked her in the eye.
162
00:07:01,133 --> 00:07:03,634
I said--I says,
"Edith, darling,
163
00:07:03,634 --> 00:07:06,734
what is, is."
164
00:07:06,734 --> 00:07:09,400
And then I said,
"Edith, darling,
165
00:07:09,400 --> 00:07:13,000
what was...was."
166
00:07:14,167 --> 00:07:15,834
And most important of all,
167
00:07:15,834 --> 00:07:18,167
I said, "Edith, darling,
168
00:07:18,167 --> 00:07:19,801
what's gonna be...
169
00:07:21,934 --> 00:07:25,133
is gonna be."
170
00:07:25,133 --> 00:07:26,400
But your mother-in-law
171
00:07:26,400 --> 00:07:28,467
don't understand
nothing about philosophy.
172
00:07:38,234 --> 00:07:41,334
I don't think you know
a hell of a lot about it yourself.
173
00:07:41,334 --> 00:07:44,200
Get some of your
wife's wrapping paper
174
00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:46,367
and wrap up this present
for Joey.
175
00:07:46,367 --> 00:07:47,334
What is this?
176
00:07:49,634 --> 00:07:51,334
"Karate Men"?
177
00:07:51,334 --> 00:07:53,400
[MOCKING]
"Karate Men"? Yes.
178
00:07:53,400 --> 00:07:56,167
It's what you call
one of your educational toys there.
179
00:07:56,167 --> 00:07:59,367
This is an educational toy?
Karate Men?
180
00:07:59,367 --> 00:08:02,367
Yes, it is,
and I'll Tell you why.
181
00:08:02,367 --> 00:08:04,734
Now, this toy
learns you how to survive
182
00:08:04,734 --> 00:08:07,267
in the stinko world.
Right?
183
00:08:07,267 --> 00:08:09,701
Not only that, when you work
the buttons here, see,
184
00:08:09,701 --> 00:08:12,601
this develops what you call
your digitalis skills.
185
00:08:12,601 --> 00:08:13,934
Show you what I mean.
186
00:08:13,934 --> 00:08:15,801
See the left-hand button
over there,
187
00:08:15,801 --> 00:08:17,701
yeah, that one there, see,
188
00:08:17,701 --> 00:08:20,968
that's where you can bust
a rib, huh?
189
00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:23,767
See?
And the right one here,
190
00:08:23,767 --> 00:08:25,834
this is the one
where you can bust a face
191
00:08:25,834 --> 00:08:28,234
like that and that
and that! Huh?
192
00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:31,701
Here's the greatest one
of all,
193
00:08:31,701 --> 00:08:33,267
the middle one
at the back, see.
194
00:08:33,267 --> 00:08:34,901
With this one here,
195
00:08:34,901 --> 00:08:38,400
this is how you really give
a guy a cauliflower crotch, see.
196
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:40,200
Yeah!
197
00:08:43,801 --> 00:08:46,100
I don't believe this.
198
00:08:46,100 --> 00:08:48,701
This is a toy
for Joey on Christmas,
199
00:08:48,701 --> 00:08:51,133
a time for peace and love,
Arch?
200
00:08:51,133 --> 00:08:54,601
Come on.
I am not going to teach my son the manly art of violence.
201
00:08:54,601 --> 00:08:58,200
- Don't give me no commie peace
lectures on Christmas day! - I'm taking this---
202
00:08:58,200 --> 00:09:01,300
Do what you wanna do.
Sick and tired of arguing.
203
00:09:01,300 --> 00:09:04,400
So I was talking
to Sybil Gooley last week,
204
00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:05,868
and she told me
that her sister--
205
00:09:05,868 --> 00:09:06,968
you know, that fat one?
206
00:09:06,968 --> 00:09:08,734
She had another face lift.
207
00:09:08,734 --> 00:09:10,601
Her skin is so tight now
208
00:09:10,601 --> 00:09:13,801
that every time she sits down,
her mouth flies open.
209
00:09:15,234 --> 00:09:17,667
That's funny,
honey.
210
00:09:17,667 --> 00:09:20,801
Edith, come on, will ya?
That's funny there.
211
00:09:20,801 --> 00:09:23,667
Every time
the woman opens her mouth, she's gotta sit down.
212
00:09:23,667 --> 00:09:24,901
Laugh at that.
213
00:09:27,033 --> 00:09:29,400
Ma, you should drop in
on Sybil.
214
00:09:29,400 --> 00:09:31,534
Oh...
[BLOWS RASPBERRIES] Sybil.
215
00:09:31,534 --> 00:09:34,367
On your way home from church.
216
00:09:34,367 --> 00:09:36,267
Oh, well, yeah, yeah.
217
00:09:36,267 --> 00:09:39,067
Go and see Sybil
on your way home from church, Edith.
218
00:09:39,067 --> 00:09:41,534
I ain't goin' to church.
219
00:09:41,534 --> 00:09:46,767
But Ma, you've never missed
a Christmas service.
220
00:09:46,767 --> 00:09:48,701
The little girl
is right, Edith.
221
00:09:48,701 --> 00:09:50,634
you always go to church
on Christmas.
222
00:09:50,634 --> 00:09:52,200
You come home from church,
223
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:55,968
you have
a beautiful, peaceful look on your face,
224
00:09:55,968 --> 00:09:58,934
like you was chloroformed
or something.
225
00:10:02,834 --> 00:10:05,200
Uh...uh...
226
00:10:25,734 --> 00:10:26,801
- What?
- What?
227
00:10:26,801 --> 00:10:28,133
Oh, jeez.
228
00:10:30,467 --> 00:10:33,167
He wants you to go out
into the kitchen
229
00:10:33,167 --> 00:10:36,067
so he can talk to me alone.
230
00:10:36,067 --> 00:10:37,167
- Oh.
- Oh.
231
00:10:38,934 --> 00:10:40,801
Don't know why
you couldn't pick up on that.
232
00:10:40,801 --> 00:10:43,067
Even your mother got it.
233
00:10:43,067 --> 00:10:45,567
- While we're in the kitchen,
we'll neck. - Okay.
234
00:10:45,567 --> 00:10:47,501
You're saying that
to drive me nuts, right?
235
00:10:51,167 --> 00:10:55,334
Edith, Edith,
come on, now, I mean...
236
00:10:55,334 --> 00:10:59,501
you gotta figure out some way
to square this beef
237
00:10:59,501 --> 00:11:01,567
between you and the Lord.
238
00:11:01,567 --> 00:11:05,300
Better go home and put
the turkey in the oven.
239
00:11:05,300 --> 00:11:07,968
No, no, don't do--
We don't have to talk about this no more
240
00:11:07,968 --> 00:11:09,167
if you don't wanna,
but don't go home.
241
00:11:09,167 --> 00:11:10,868
- I mean, come on, Christma--
- No, Archie.
242
00:11:10,868 --> 00:11:12,734
- Come on, Edith,
we gotta open something. - No, I wanna go home.
243
00:11:12,734 --> 00:11:14,234
We gotta open
some of the presents.
244
00:11:14,234 --> 00:11:16,701
Come on, be a sport, Edith.
Look, here, here--
245
00:11:16,701 --> 00:11:19,834
first one I come to,
from me to you.
246
00:11:19,834 --> 00:11:22,100
Now, come on.
We're gonna open this here, Edith.
247
00:11:22,100 --> 00:11:26,167
Now here, hold the box.
Wait till you see what I got you here.
248
00:11:26,167 --> 00:11:30,501
Wearing this,
any woman would be crazy mad to run out to church in it.
249
00:11:30,501 --> 00:11:33,234
Wait till you see.
Just wait till you see this.
250
00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:34,934
You wear this,
and all your friends
251
00:11:34,934 --> 00:11:37,801
are going to be green
with envious, huh?
252
00:11:37,801 --> 00:11:41,334
Look at that.
Huh?
253
00:11:44,334 --> 00:11:46,567
Ain't that
a beautiful hat there?
254
00:11:46,567 --> 00:11:49,300
You got strawberries,
cherries, two kinds of grapes,
255
00:11:49,300 --> 00:11:51,200
and a crabapple.
256
00:11:54,100 --> 00:11:55,901
It looks delicious.
257
00:11:58,467 --> 00:11:59,767
You ain't supposed to eat it.
258
00:11:59,767 --> 00:12:01,400
You're supposed to put it
on your head, Edith.
259
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:03,667
- Come on, try that.
- No, I don't want to, not now.
260
00:12:03,667 --> 00:12:04,734
I don't feel like it.
261
00:12:04,734 --> 00:12:06,400
No, no, no,
wait a minute, Edith.
262
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:08,033
You don't know how pretty
it's going to look
263
00:12:08,033 --> 00:12:10,033
until it's on your head.
You ain't gonna do that--
264
00:12:10,033 --> 00:12:13,701
I'll tell you what I'll do.
I'll put it on myself, huh?
265
00:12:13,701 --> 00:12:15,767
Just to give you an idea
how it looks on a head, huh?
266
00:12:15,767 --> 00:12:17,234
Whatta you say?
267
00:12:20,567 --> 00:12:23,434
It's very pretty.
Thank you.
268
00:12:23,434 --> 00:12:28,167
Well, if it's pretty on me,
it's gotta be okay on you, Edith.
269
00:12:28,167 --> 00:12:30,033
I'll tell you what I'll do.
270
00:12:30,033 --> 00:12:32,400
If you wear this hat
to church,
271
00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:34,267
I'll go to church with you.
272
00:12:34,267 --> 00:12:35,968
I ain't going to church!
273
00:12:35,968 --> 00:12:39,100
Now, don't say that, Edith.
Come on, Christmas day.
274
00:12:39,100 --> 00:12:42,300
For the sake of the family,
we ought to run over there and say a few prayers, huh?
275
00:12:42,300 --> 00:12:46,300
I wouldn't know
what to pray no more, Archie.
276
00:12:46,300 --> 00:12:47,801
I ain't going.
277
00:12:47,801 --> 00:12:50,133
You go yourself
if you want to.
278
00:12:50,133 --> 00:12:51,868
- I'm gonna go home--
- Ho-ho-hold it.
279
00:12:51,868 --> 00:12:54,033
No choice.
We won't bring the thing up no more,
280
00:12:54,033 --> 00:12:55,734
but please don't go home,
now, Edith.
281
00:12:55,734 --> 00:12:57,167
Everybody's--
come here, come here.
282
00:12:57,167 --> 00:12:59,067
- I gotta put the turkey
in the oven. - No, sit down.
283
00:12:59,067 --> 00:13:01,133
Sit right here
in my chair.
284
00:13:01,133 --> 00:13:03,601
Now, let's open
some more presents here, huh?
285
00:13:03,601 --> 00:13:06,534
Hey, look
at the little red one right on the top of the tree
286
00:13:06,534 --> 00:13:08,334
with your name on it.
287
00:13:08,334 --> 00:13:10,701
Let's start
with this one, Edith.
288
00:13:10,701 --> 00:13:13,534
Go ahead, open it up.
289
00:13:13,534 --> 00:13:15,467
You know what?
I didn't give it to you.
290
00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:25,167
Ooh, it's one of them little
whattayoucallits there.
291
00:13:25,167 --> 00:13:26,968
It's a scarf.
292
00:13:26,968 --> 00:13:29,367
Yeah,
in a beautiful "beej" color.
293
00:13:29,367 --> 00:13:30,801
EDITH: Beige.
294
00:13:30,801 --> 00:13:32,367
Yeah, some of that, too.
295
00:13:33,767 --> 00:13:37,501
Well, somebody knows
what you like. Huh, Edith?
296
00:13:41,033 --> 00:13:46,601
"Merry Christmas
to my lovely friend Edith. From...
297
00:13:48,501 --> 00:13:50,734
Beverly La Salle.
298
00:13:53,567 --> 00:13:56,167
Oh, jeez.
299
00:13:56,167 --> 00:13:58,567
Edith, put it back
in the box there.
300
00:13:58,567 --> 00:14:01,400
We'll just leave it aside
for a while.
301
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:03,067
Let's open up
the rest of these 'cause there'd be more--
302
00:14:03,067 --> 00:14:05,567
No, don't.
Don't run away.
303
00:14:05,567 --> 00:14:09,267
Edith,
don't run home.
304
00:14:09,267 --> 00:14:10,868
What's going on
in here?
305
00:14:10,868 --> 00:14:13,901
Arch, where did Ma go?
306
00:14:15,167 --> 00:14:17,100
She's run out on me.
307
00:14:31,667 --> 00:14:33,567
May I have the next dance?
308
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:39,801
What the hell is that,
"the next dance"?
309
00:14:39,801 --> 00:14:43,968
Let me tell you something,
Meathead, about your jokes.
310
00:14:43,968 --> 00:14:47,067
They never seem to have
no point to them.
311
00:14:53,167 --> 00:14:55,501
Arch, I'm not gonna play
that game with you.
312
00:14:55,501 --> 00:14:57,968
I know you ain't
gonna play it, jeez.
313
00:14:57,968 --> 00:15:00,567
You wouldn't enter
no contest with me
314
00:15:00,567 --> 00:15:02,367
you wasn't sure
you was gonna win.
315
00:15:02,367 --> 00:15:03,701
What are you
talking about?
316
00:15:03,701 --> 00:15:05,467
I'm talking
about you.
317
00:15:05,467 --> 00:15:08,234
Oh, I guess maybe
you play me chess,
318
00:15:08,234 --> 00:15:12,567
about which I don't
even know how to deal...
319
00:15:12,567 --> 00:15:15,100
but I notice you never
come out of your corner
320
00:15:15,100 --> 00:15:16,968
when it comes
to the manly sports,
321
00:15:16,968 --> 00:15:18,834
like bowling
or Indian wrestling.
322
00:15:18,834 --> 00:15:20,767
Or who can belch
the loudest.
323
00:15:22,634 --> 00:15:25,901
ARCHIE: Take that
and that and that.
324
00:15:25,901 --> 00:15:28,734
That is so silly.
325
00:15:28,734 --> 00:15:30,767
You think I'm going to stoop
to your level?
326
00:15:30,767 --> 00:15:33,667
You think I'm going to even
try to defend myself?
327
00:15:33,667 --> 00:15:35,267
I don't care
whether you defend yourself.
328
00:15:35,267 --> 00:15:36,834
I'm gonna knock
the hell out of you anyway.
329
00:15:36,834 --> 00:15:38,667
Whack, whack, whack.
330
00:15:40,200 --> 00:15:41,734
You're not hurting me.
331
00:15:41,734 --> 00:15:43,601
If I wanted to,
I could hit you back.
332
00:15:43,601 --> 00:15:44,901
- ARCHIE: Oh, yeah.
- I just don't want to.
333
00:15:44,901 --> 00:15:46,901
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- That's right, Arch--
334
00:15:46,901 --> 00:15:49,534
If I wanted to,
I could give you one of these right like this.
335
00:15:49,534 --> 00:15:50,968
What do you think
I'll be doing with my left here?
336
00:15:50,968 --> 00:15:52,300
I'll be defending, huh?
337
00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:54,200
But while you're doing that,
I'm going like this.
338
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:58,067
[BOTH SHOUTING
OVER EACH OTHER]
339
00:15:58,067 --> 00:16:02,467
- MIKE: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
- ARCHIE: Hey, hey, hey...
340
00:16:02,467 --> 00:16:04,300
I knocked you over!
341
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:09,667
[TO DECK THE HALLS]
♪ Walla, Washington, Kalamazoo ♪
342
00:16:09,667 --> 00:16:12,667
♪ Nora's freezin'
on the trolley ♪
343
00:16:12,667 --> 00:16:15,634
♪ Swaller dollar cauliflower
alley-garoo! ♪
344
00:16:15,634 --> 00:16:18,200
♪ Don't we know archaic-- ♪
345
00:16:25,033 --> 00:16:27,267
Ma, where's the dressing?
346
00:16:27,267 --> 00:16:28,801
In the turkey.
347
00:16:32,501 --> 00:16:33,634
No, it isn't.
348
00:16:42,767 --> 00:16:47,067
I forgot to put it in.
Oh, how could I be so dumb?
349
00:16:47,067 --> 00:16:48,801
It's all right, Ma.
350
00:16:48,801 --> 00:16:50,868
Hey, have you ever seen
351
00:16:50,868 --> 00:16:53,868
my imitation
of a buck-toothed fish?
352
00:16:53,868 --> 00:16:58,767
Oh, Gloria, you're trying
so hard to make me laugh.
353
00:17:05,801 --> 00:17:07,300
It ain't working.
354
00:17:07,300 --> 00:17:09,968
Let's put the dinner on.
355
00:17:09,968 --> 00:17:12,701
Okay.
The boys must be starving.
356
00:17:12,701 --> 00:17:14,200
Boy, oh, boy.
357
00:17:14,200 --> 00:17:17,167
Hey, guys,
come and get it!
358
00:17:17,167 --> 00:17:20,734
Gobble, gobble,
gobble, gobble, gobble...
359
00:17:20,734 --> 00:17:22,767
MIKE: Arch,
I knocked you over three times.
360
00:17:22,767 --> 00:17:24,901
Yeah, you beat me
'cause you busted the rules there.
361
00:17:24,901 --> 00:17:26,300
You reached over
with your hand,
362
00:17:26,300 --> 00:17:28,467
You knocked
my Jap over.
363
00:17:28,467 --> 00:17:30,400
You're a sore loser.
364
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:32,334
Hey, cut that out,
365
00:17:32,334 --> 00:17:35,133
you heathen you,
not before grace there.
366
00:17:35,133 --> 00:17:36,868
Want a little piece of skin.
367
00:17:36,868 --> 00:17:41,434
"Piece of skin."
You wanna choke to death on a hunk of unblessed bird?
368
00:17:41,434 --> 00:17:44,868
You're eatin' nothin'.
We say grace here.
369
00:17:44,868 --> 00:17:46,901
We gotta give
thanks to the Lord
370
00:17:46,901 --> 00:17:50,467
for all the bountiful foods
that he hath gave us here,
371
00:17:50,467 --> 00:17:52,234
even though
we had to buy it all.
372
00:17:55,167 --> 00:17:56,901
All right, now,
hang your heads there.
373
00:17:56,901 --> 00:17:59,167
Wait a--wait a minute.
What are you doing?
374
00:17:59,167 --> 00:18:01,167
I forgot the cranberries.
375
00:18:01,167 --> 00:18:04,033
Edith, I'm trying to talk
unto the Lord here.
376
00:18:04,033 --> 00:18:07,300
Now, sit down.
377
00:18:07,300 --> 00:18:10,767
Forgive me, Lord, for pointing
with a vegetable here.
378
00:18:12,300 --> 00:18:14,367
Now, hang your heads, huh?
379
00:18:16,334 --> 00:18:18,767
Oh, Lord, A. Bunker here.
380
00:18:21,167 --> 00:18:23,567
As you know,
the Christmas season
381
00:18:23,567 --> 00:18:25,801
is once again
at our throats.
382
00:18:31,267 --> 00:18:33,534
And I talk
for my family here
383
00:18:33,534 --> 00:18:36,067
and particularly
my poor wife,
384
00:18:36,067 --> 00:18:38,734
who gots some kind of
a mad on against you--
385
00:18:38,734 --> 00:18:41,601
uh, uh, thee--
386
00:18:41,601 --> 00:18:43,400
thou do--
( mutters )
387
00:18:43,400 --> 00:18:45,167
Hold--hold the phone.
388
00:18:45,167 --> 00:18:46,467
Edith, where--
what are you doing?
389
00:18:46,467 --> 00:18:48,734
I gotta get
the cranberries.
390
00:18:48,734 --> 00:18:51,601
Edith, the Lord and me
don't give a damn about cranberries.
391
00:18:51,601 --> 00:18:54,734
Would you sit down
here, huh?
392
00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:57,234
I can't, Archie.
My heart ain't in it.
393
00:18:57,234 --> 00:18:58,434
Edith, Edith, Edith--
394
00:18:58,434 --> 00:19:00,167
No, hold it,
Where the hell are you going?
395
00:19:00,167 --> 00:19:01,634
I'm going to go talk to Ma.
396
00:19:01,634 --> 00:19:03,767
Well, what good
is an atheist gonna do
397
00:19:03,767 --> 00:19:06,701
when a couple of Christians
like the Lord and me couldn't do nothin'?
398
00:19:06,701 --> 00:19:08,868
Stop him, stop him,
stop him.
399
00:19:08,868 --> 00:19:09,901
Oh, you're helpless.
400
00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:14,167
Ma?
401
00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:19,000
Can I talk to you?
402
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:20,133
Well, sure.
403
00:19:23,100 --> 00:19:25,834
I'm sorry I spoiled Christmas.
404
00:19:29,667 --> 00:19:33,767
Oh, you better go back in there
and eat your dinner.
405
00:19:33,767 --> 00:19:35,067
I'm not hungry now.
406
00:19:37,601 --> 00:19:40,567
You can't depend
on nothin' no more.
407
00:19:44,234 --> 00:19:46,601
Ma...
408
00:19:46,601 --> 00:19:48,200
who you mad at?
409
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:54,267
I'm mad at God.
410
00:19:54,267 --> 00:19:57,167
Uh...you think that
God was responsible
411
00:19:57,167 --> 00:19:59,801
for what happened
to Beverly?
412
00:19:59,801 --> 00:20:02,434
I don't know.
413
00:20:02,434 --> 00:20:08,167
All I know is
Beverly was killed because of what he was,
414
00:20:08,167 --> 00:20:12,033
and we're all supposed to be
God's children.
415
00:20:12,033 --> 00:20:13,767
It don't make sense.
416
00:20:13,767 --> 00:20:16,534
I don't understand
nothin' no more.
417
00:20:19,033 --> 00:20:20,801
Ma...
418
00:20:20,801 --> 00:20:24,100
did you ever have
a subject in school that you didn't understand?
419
00:20:25,801 --> 00:20:27,534
Yeah, algebra.
420
00:20:30,501 --> 00:20:32,133
I hated it.
421
00:20:32,133 --> 00:20:35,467
I couldn't understand it,
so I dropped it.
422
00:20:38,067 --> 00:20:41,167
But you didn't drop
out of school, did you?
423
00:20:46,067 --> 00:20:49,300
Ma, what I'm trying
to say is that...
424
00:20:49,300 --> 00:20:52,033
maybe-- maybe we're
not supposed
425
00:20:52,033 --> 00:20:55,367
to understand everything
all at once.
426
00:20:55,367 --> 00:20:58,000
Maybe we're just
supposed to understand
427
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:00,767
things a little bit
at a time.
428
00:21:04,234 --> 00:21:08,667
Trouble with me is
I don't understand nothing.
429
00:21:08,667 --> 00:21:11,567
Oh, Ma, that's not true.
430
00:21:11,567 --> 00:21:13,200
You understand plenty.
431
00:21:14,767 --> 00:21:17,400
Ma, if there is a God,
432
00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:20,033
you're one of
the most understanding people he ever made.
433
00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:24,667
We need you.
434
00:22:00,501 --> 00:22:01,567
Are you eating?
435
00:22:01,567 --> 00:22:02,901
Uh...
436
00:22:02,901 --> 00:22:05,133
[TOGETHER] We figured
we'd better go ahead.
437
00:22:05,133 --> 00:22:07,801
Yeah.
438
00:22:07,801 --> 00:22:09,934
[SIGHS]
Pass the sweet potatoes.
439
00:22:09,934 --> 00:22:11,200
Oh, here, honey.
440
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:12,834
You want
some mashed potatoes, too?
441
00:22:12,834 --> 00:22:14,901
Yeah, sure, why not?
442
00:22:14,901 --> 00:22:16,501
Here,
you want some gravy?
443
00:22:16,501 --> 00:22:17,601
MIKE: Yeah.
444
00:22:17,601 --> 00:22:19,467
Bah bada, bah bub, bub, bub.
445
00:22:23,167 --> 00:22:25,300
What are you doing?
446
00:22:25,300 --> 00:22:26,634
Well...
447
00:22:26,634 --> 00:22:29,033
[TOGETHER] We figured
we'd better go ahead.
448
00:22:32,467 --> 00:22:35,133
Did you finish saying grace?
449
00:22:36,601 --> 00:22:40,033
Well, Edith, I figured
that, uh, nobody cared.
450
00:22:50,033 --> 00:22:51,868
Dear God...
451
00:22:57,601 --> 00:22:59,834
E. Bunker here.
452
00:23:04,601 --> 00:23:08,200
I'm sorry
that I can't understand
453
00:23:08,200 --> 00:23:10,534
everything all at once,
454
00:23:10,534 --> 00:23:14,000
but I am thankful
for Mike...
455
00:23:16,601 --> 00:23:18,801
and Gloria...
456
00:23:21,033 --> 00:23:22,968
and Joey...
457
00:23:29,734 --> 00:23:32,901
and Aunt Iola...
458
00:23:32,901 --> 00:23:34,267
You're forgetting
somebody, Edith.
459
00:23:37,200 --> 00:23:39,300
And Sybil Gooley.
460
00:23:39,300 --> 00:23:41,367
Forgetting somebody,
Edith.
461
00:23:41,367 --> 00:23:44,534
Oh, and Archie.
462
00:23:44,534 --> 00:23:46,834
Oh, jeez.
463
00:23:46,834 --> 00:23:49,234
Oh, and Uncle Paul
464
00:23:49,234 --> 00:23:52,968
and Aunt Henrietta
and her four little boys--
465
00:23:52,968 --> 00:23:55,868
- Amen right there.
- Jerry and Jimmy and Joey
466
00:23:55,868 --> 00:23:58,067
- and Marty.
- Amen.
467
00:23:58,067 --> 00:24:01,534
And Dr. Shapiro
and Mrs. Shapiro.
468
00:24:01,534 --> 00:24:03,634
- Amen.
- And Mrs. Friedman
469
00:24:03,634 --> 00:24:06,601
at the Sunshine Home.
470
00:24:06,601 --> 00:24:08,701
Oh, and Grady and Hannah
471
00:24:08,701 --> 00:24:10,868
and poor daughter Marlena,
472
00:24:10,868 --> 00:24:13,467
who went to Utica
and got into trouble.
473
00:24:13,467 --> 00:24:21,200
Oh, and poor little Bobby Daley,
who was too short to be a cop...
474
00:24:40,501 --> 00:24:42,868
ROB REINER: All In The Family
was recorded on tape
475
00:24:42,868 --> 00:24:44,501
before a live audience.
476
00:24:44,551 --> 00:24:49,101
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