Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

That's not how you say it. It's a tee-ruck. A truck.

Shh. Don't talk so loud.

Archie's asleep.

He worked at the saloon till all hours last night.

He didn't get home until five o'clock this morning.

I was sound asleep.

Then how'd you know what time it was?

Oh, Archie always wakes me up

to tell me it's only him getting into bed with me.

That's considerate.

Oh, I don't mind.

Sometimes I'm in the middle of a bad dream

and that gets me out of it.

Yeah, but what if you were having a dream about...

Paul Newman?

Oh...

Oh!

Ohh.

I don't have dreams like that.

Often.

Mailgram for Gloria Stivic!

Mailgram for Gloria Stivic!

The impact of a telegram at a fraction of the cost.

Quiet. Shh!

Why are you shushin' me?

Archie's asleep.

He is like hell.

Oh, Arch, did I wake you up? I'm sorry.

Think nothing of it, meathead.

A few brief winks a night is all a workin' man needs.

Oh, Archie, you better go back to sleep.

I'll make you a nice, hot cup of cocoa.

Cocoa gives me gas.

Oh! Cocoa will make you sleep.

You want me to sleep with gas?

Gloria, who's the mailgram from?

It's from my old friend Debbie Ballantine.

Did I hear Debbie Ballantine?

Yeah.

I never liked her and I always will.

She just had another baby.

Debbie Ballantine had another baby?!

What does that make, four or five?

Six.

Oh, my! Somewhere along the line,

I lost a whole baby.

Somewhere along the line,

did Debbie ever pick herself up a husband?

Who's Debbie Ballantine?

She's the mother of a kindergarten in Woodside.

Honey, you gotta remember her.

If it wasn't for Debbie,

you and I would never have met.

That's another reason I'll never like her.

Don't you remember her?

He don't remember nothin'

from the past exceptin' meals.

Ma and Daddy went to visit Aunt Iola.

Who was supposed to be dyin' again.

Anyway, that left me alone

here in the house for the whole weekend,

so I had my friend Debbie come over and stay with me.

It's hard to believe that was nine years ago...

Ah, Edith, I ain't in the mood for this.

Do we have to go over

and see your aunt Iola today?

Oh, Archie, she may not be alive tomorrow.

So we could have a nice, quiet visit over there.

Oh, Archie. Oh, be nice.

That poor, sweet old lady

is at death's door.

Ah, come on, Edith.

For the last ten years

she's been at death's door,

but she never knocks or rings the bell

or makes an honest effort to get in there.

Gloria! Debbie! We're going!

Oh, okay, Ma.

Bye.

Give Aunt Iola my love.

Bye, Daddy.

Why aren't you smiling?

You aren't goin' to a funeral.

That's why I ain't smilin'.

- Bye, Ma. - Bye, dear.

Oh, geez, Edith.

What the hell you got in this bag here?

- Bricks? - No. Marmalade.

Aunt Iola loves my marmalade.

I'm takin' her 12 jars.

Oh, ain't that nice?

I'll tell you one thing, I ain't gonna lug this back to New York.

If Iola dies over there,

the marmalade gets buried with her.

Bye, Ma!

Oh, good-bye now.

You girls have a nice time studyin'.

Good-bye, Daddy.

Your mother told youse--

be good girls, now.

BOTH: We will!

Now let's get a couple of guys

and tell them to come over.

No, Debbie, I don't think

we should have boys over here.

I promised my parents that we'd study.

And besides, there's nothing excitin'

goin' on over here.

There will be.

Oh?

Oh!

Ohhh!!

No, I don't think

we should have boys over.

Are you afraid to have boys over here?

Nah, course not.

What's the matter, then?

I don't know.

What would we do when the boys get here?

Gloria...are you still a virgin?

Well, uh...

Um...

Don't you remember?

It's not my fault, see.

It's my parents.

They're virgins?

Of course not!

It's just that my father thinks

that a girl shouldn't have [WHISPERS] sex

until after she's married,

and even then, only when it's absolutely necessary.

It's just that my father thinks that it's okay

for men to have [WHISPERS] sex,

but it's not okay for women.

Well, who are the men supposed to have [WHISPERS] sex with?

I don't think he's thought it through that far.

I'm thirsty.

Look, Gloria,

I just met this guy who says

he's got a groovy new roommate.

A roommate? What do you mean, roommate?

They're college men.

College men?

Oh, my God!

Oh, I don't know, Debbie.

I mean, I've heard how these college men are.

Well, that's why we want them to come over here.

Oh, my God.

Look, you'll probably love Jim's roommate.

Oh, yeah? What's he like?

Oh, he's swell.

I hear he's from outside of Chicago.

Outside Chicago?!

Wow! He sounds terrific.

What do you say, Gloria?

Should I call 'em over?

Well, all right.

What have I got to lose?

Forget I said that.

But you know, wait a minute, Debbie.

What if I don't like him?

Well, um...

just give me a signal.

Oh, okay.

If I don't like him,

I...will...

pull on my ear like Carol Burnett.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Oh, my God! - What's the matter?

If I got a date tonight, I better curl my hair.

Really?

704 Hauser.

Okay, Debbie.

See you at 8:30 sharp.

Where you goin'?

We. We're going.

I just fixed you up with a great chick.

I can't. I'm busy tonight.

We're gonna picket

Nixon's inaugural ball at the Waldorf.

You're still bitter 'cause your candidate lost.

Yes, yes, I am bitter.

I am damn disappointed in a country

that would elect Richard Nixon and not Eldridge Cleaver.

Forget the picketing.

This girl's supposed to be gorgeous.

What if I don't like her?

Then you'll give me the secret signal.

I'll make some excuse so you can split.

Okay.

Come on, I gotta stop by the drugstore first.

Drugstore? What for?

I wanna take the danger outta being close.

Oh, you mean...

Clorets! I need Clorets.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

GLORIA: It's the doorbell.

- DEBBIE: It's the guys. - [ GLORIA SHRIEKS ]

Oh, Gloria!

Please don't go, Debbie!

Gloria, shut up!

- But I'm not ready yet. - Shut up!

- [DOORBELL] - Coming!

- Hi, Jim. - Hi, Debbie.

Debbie, Mike, Mike, Debbie.

Hi. How are you?

Nice to see you.

Hi.

Hi.

Ohh...

Before there's any mix-up, Jim is my date.

Gloria, this is yours.

[MOUTHING] Debbie.

Debbie, we gotta do something. I can't stand him.

Why not?

That hair... and that beard.

There's things that look like jam in it.

Gloria, I don't understand you.

What did you expect him to look like, a knight on a white horse?

No, but I didn't expect him to look like a horse.

Please, Debbie, whatever you do,

don't leave me alone with him.

Whatever you do, do not leave me alone with her.

What's wrong with her?

What's wrong with her? She's a shrimp!

And that hair! It looks like the warden pardoned her

one minute after he threw the switch.

Come on, Mike, come on.

What I saw wasn't half-bad.

There's only half of her there! Where's the rest of her?!

- Hi, guys. - I got sodas,

but you'll have to have root beer

'cause I drank the last Yoo-Hoo.

You wanna go upstairs

and watch television, Debbie?

Oh, I'd love to.

Uh, no, no! No, wait a second!

Wait!

There's no TV upstairs.

Yeah, besides, there's nothing good

on television tonight, anyway.

Okay, let's go out to the car

and listen to the radio.

You can't! We don't have a radio in the car.

Okay, we'll listen to the dashboard.

No, no, hey! Hey, fellas!

Well...

might as well sit down.

- No! - What?

Not allowed to sit in that chair.

Why not?

Because it's my father's chair

and he doesn't like anyone to sit in it.

Well, how's he gonna know?

Because he was wounded in the war,

you know, WWII, the big one?

And where he was wounded is how he knows

if someone's been sitting in his chair.

Is that one all right?

Yes, my mother wasn't wounded.

[SIGHS]

So.

Is your whole family small?

Yeah, there's just the three of us.

So.

Do you make your own clothes?

Well, I design them.

Someone else runs them up for me.

What are you looking at?

Your hair. It's--

It's very...interesting.

It's natural.

The color or the curl?

Both.

Your hair's... very interesting, too.

It's natural.

Does it take long to comb?

I don't know.

Do you like knock-knock jokes?

What?

Go ahead. You start.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

I gotcha!

Oh, yeah!

Yeah, yeah, I get it. That's funny.

- I know! - That's very funny.

Yeah, funny girls turn me off.

And you know,

for a college man you're kinda icky.

Icky?

You must be an English major.

What did you come over here for,

to insult me?

Uh, no, no.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Look, uh...

I don't think this is working out between us.

Why don't we just call it a night, huh?

That's fine with me, Mort.

Mike.

Whatever.

It's, uh, no hard feelings?

No, no hard feelings at all.

I--I really should be studying anyway.

Yeah, well, good night.

Yeah.

Good night.

Uh, what are you looking at?

Oh, I was just trying to figure out

what you look like without that beard.

Without the beard?

I look just like Fred Astaire.

[GUFFAWS] You're kidding!

No, really! It's the truth.

People, complete strangers,

stop me in the street and ask me to tap-dance.

So, it was either grow the beard

or take dancing lessons.

Oh. Well.

[SIGHS] Good night.

You know, if your hair

were longer and straighter,

you would look just like Ginger Rogers.

- No! - No, really! I mean it.

- You're kidding! - I mean it, yes!

You mean if I had long, straight hair

we'd probably be dancing partners?

Well, I...

We might.

You like to dance?

I hate to dance.

But it's--what I hate-- modern dances.

You know, the modern dance, they're all so...

icky.

Well put.

I think they are too.

Really? You're the first girl I ever met

who doesn't like the modern dances. That's terrific.

Yeah, well, I like ballroom dancing.

I like the tango and the foxtrot--

Yeah, I-- that's what I like.

I like those-- I like that, too.

The boys I know can't dance like that.

Well, I can dance like that.

That's far-out.

Where'd you ever learn ballroom dancing?

Oh, my father taught me.

Really? Sounds like a great guy.

Yeah, you'd love him.

Well, uh...

What d'you say, Ginger?

Hehe.

I'd love to, Fred.

♪ Heaven ♪

♪ I'm in heaven ♪

♪ And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak ♪

♪ And I seem to find the happiness I seek ♪

♪ When we're out together dancing... chest to cheek ♪

Very good! That's very nice.

You're a very good dancer.

And you're a big dipper.

Uh...thanks for the dance.

It was nice meeting you.

"To all, to each, a fair good night."

"And pleasing dreams and slumbers light."

You know that poem? That's Sir Walter Scott--

- "Marmion." - That's my favorite poem!

- It's mine too! - Really?

Yeah.

- What are you doing? - Wh-what are you doing?

I mean what are you doing?!

Well, I was just doing what I usually do

when I do what we did!

Does that mean you have a routine?

No! No, I was just doing what a person does.

Well, this person doesn't.

Never?

No. Never.

You mean you're a--

Yes.

I am.

I don't think I ever met one of them before.

Is something the matter?

D'you have anything to eat?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Come on in the kitchen and I'll fix you something.

Great.

I'll see what we have in our refrigerator.

We got some whole-wheat bread here,

and, uh, Daddy's got some...

frankfurters,

and there's some...

baking soda.

And there's some Velveeta cheese.

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

Wh-what's the matter?

D--uh, don't you like me?

Oh, I do.

That's just the trouble-- I'm so confused.

See, part of me wants to,

but part of me doesn't.

Which part wants to?

- I'm sorry! - Oh, so am I.

Uh, but I understand.

- Do you? - Yes, I do.

Oh!

But not completely.

What do you like me for, for me or for my body?

Do I have a choice?

Uh, I mean, it's a combination.

It's a combination.

Oh.

- Mmm. - Mm-mmm.

Mm, that's enough!

That's enough?!

That's not enough!

In an hour, it'll be enough.

Get up, get up, get up!

Get up, okay. I'll get up.

I'll get up, I'll get up.

Give me a minute, I'll get up.

Just a second, okay?

All right.

All right.

Are you all right?

I'm fine, I'm fine.

I'm just fine. I'm okay.

Just had a little cramp in my leg, that's all.

Eh, it's better now.

It's much better now.

I just want you to understand.

This is only our first date.

I understand, I understand it's our first date.

I understand that a girl like you

shouldn't be doing things like this on a first date.

- No, I shouldn't. - I understand.

So, good night.

Good night?

Gloria, I really-- I think I'd better go.

Oh, well, uh--

Oh, good night.

Hi, Gloria, here I am for our second date.

What? What's the matter?

Why not? Come on!

It's the second date!

You said two dates. Gloria, come on!

...oughta be a different night,

so he chases me into the kitchen,

- and then-- - Oh, it was great.

It was great.

[GIGGLING] Oh!

You get a little thrill outta that.

What about you two?

What happened on your first date?

Oh, make believe you don't hear that.

Oh, I'll never forget!

Try, you know?

I was at the Puritan Maid Ice Cream Parlor.

Don't make it a long story, will ya?

Me and my cousin Maude--

Maude?!

We was having one of their specials.

It was called a Steamboat.

Oh, it was so delicious!

Five different flavors!

Anyway, Archie was sitting

at another table

with that fella, Jefferson Pratt,

remember him?

Well, anyway, Archie was trying to get my attention,

so first he put two straws in his nose

like a walrus...

[APPLAUSE]

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0