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1
00:00:02,234 --> 00:00:04,501
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:04,501 --> 00:00:07,534
♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪
3
00:00:07,534 --> 00:00:10,834
♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪
4
00:00:10,834 --> 00:00:13,067
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:13,067 --> 00:00:17,234
♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪
6
00:00:17,234 --> 00:00:20,400
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪
7
00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:25,601
♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:25,601 --> 00:00:28,734
♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪
9
00:00:28,734 --> 00:00:31,834
♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪
10
00:00:31,834 --> 00:00:36,133
♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪
11
00:00:36,133 --> 00:00:41,734
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:45,701 --> 00:00:48,534
Edith! Edith, come on!
I'm in a hurry.
13
00:00:48,534 --> 00:00:51,501
I want you to come out
and take a look at me now.
14
00:00:54,801 --> 00:00:57,133
ARCHIE: Huh?
Oh!
15
00:00:57,133 --> 00:00:58,767
What do you think,
huh? Ah!
16
00:00:58,767 --> 00:01:01,834
What do you think?
Just give me a little check out here, huh?
17
00:01:01,834 --> 00:01:04,067
I mean, is it rich
enough for the boss
18
00:01:04,067 --> 00:01:05,834
of a new saloon opening
tonight, huh?
19
00:01:05,834 --> 00:01:09,000
Oh! You look
very important.
20
00:01:09,000 --> 00:01:12,868
Except for your face,
you look like Johnny Carson.
21
00:01:16,067 --> 00:01:19,601
Uh-oh! I got
a riddle for ya.
22
00:01:19,601 --> 00:01:20,701
A riddle?
23
00:01:20,701 --> 00:01:23,701
What does
an airplane do?
24
00:01:23,701 --> 00:01:26,467
What does an--
I don't know, fly?
25
00:01:26,467 --> 00:01:29,100
Yours is open.
26
00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:40,567
Ow!
Oh!
27
00:01:42,067 --> 00:01:44,133
Oh, my!
28
00:01:45,300 --> 00:01:47,667
Caught my little finger
in the propeller.
29
00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:54,567
Oh, Archie, I'm afraid
you're gonna be so tired
30
00:01:54,567 --> 00:01:56,667
tomorrow
at the loading dock.
31
00:01:56,667 --> 00:01:59,000
I know I'm gonna be tired
tomorrow at the loading dock,
32
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:01,634
Edith, that's why
I ain't going tomorrow to the loading dock.
33
00:02:01,634 --> 00:02:04,267
That's why I want you
to get on the blower here,
34
00:02:04,267 --> 00:02:07,334
you're gonna call up
Mr. Sanders' secretary Velma, see,
35
00:02:07,334 --> 00:02:10,234
and tell her that once again,
I'm too sick to work.
36
00:02:10,234 --> 00:02:13,667
Archie, if you call
in sick once more,
37
00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:15,334
you're gonna lose your job.
38
00:02:15,334 --> 00:02:18,767
Well, Edith, let's face it,
that could be in the cards.
39
00:02:18,767 --> 00:02:22,167
Archie, your job's
the only thing we can count on!
40
00:02:22,167 --> 00:02:25,267
I mean, with all
the mortgage payments and everything--
41
00:02:25,267 --> 00:02:26,934
Edith, please!
42
00:02:26,934 --> 00:02:30,567
On the biggest night
of my life, don't spoil it with them things there.
43
00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:33,667
Now when I get her
on the phone, you just tell her that,
44
00:02:33,667 --> 00:02:35,434
uh, I had a bad fish.
45
00:02:35,434 --> 00:02:38,801
I wouldn't cook you
a bad fish.
46
00:02:38,801 --> 00:02:41,267
You wouldn't cook me
a bad fish.
47
00:02:41,267 --> 00:02:45,634
Just tell her that
the fish went bad once it got inside me.
48
00:02:45,634 --> 00:02:47,033
Uh, hello, hello.
49
00:02:47,033 --> 00:02:49,200
Could I speak to Mr. Sanders'
offices, please?
50
00:02:49,200 --> 00:02:52,000
Oh, no, Archie.
I'm sorry.
51
00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:55,133
I-I can't lie like that.
52
00:02:55,133 --> 00:02:58,734
You give me an hour
any Sunday after church, I'll teach you how.
53
00:03:02,167 --> 00:03:03,300
[CLEARS THROAT]
54
00:03:03,300 --> 00:03:06,534
[WEAKLY]
Uh, is that you, Velma?
55
00:03:06,534 --> 00:03:09,300
[COUGHS]
Uh, listen, Velma,
56
00:03:09,300 --> 00:03:12,100
I-I'm very feverish,
you know?
57
00:03:12,100 --> 00:03:14,167
Yeah. I'm on fire.
58
00:03:14,167 --> 00:03:17,000
Hot all over.
59
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:20,501
No, this ain't an obscene
phone call, Velma.
60
00:03:21,968 --> 00:03:24,400
This-this is Archie Bunker.
61
00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:26,234
I just want you
to tell Mr. Sanders
62
00:03:26,234 --> 00:03:28,667
that once again I'm calling
in sick for tomorrow.
63
00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:31,534
Yeah-- What do you
mean "before"?
64
00:03:31,534 --> 00:03:35,334
Well, yeah, but how
was I supposed to sound there before,
65
00:03:35,334 --> 00:03:37,200
chewing on a thermometer?
66
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:40,334
Just tell Mr. Sanders what
I told you, huh, Velma?
67
00:03:40,334 --> 00:03:41,868
Yeah, thanks.
I gotta run, bye.
68
00:03:41,868 --> 00:03:43,734
Good-bye.
Good-bye, Velma. Good-bye.
69
00:03:43,734 --> 00:03:45,667
Big mouth.
70
00:03:45,667 --> 00:03:48,434
Hey, Edith, come on,
will ya? I can't wait. I gotta hurry.
71
00:03:48,434 --> 00:03:51,767
Archie, I'm fixing dinner.
Ain't you gonna eat?
72
00:03:51,767 --> 00:03:55,467
Edith, the boss ain't got no
time to sit down for dinner, don't you know that?
73
00:03:55,467 --> 00:03:59,501
A boss gotta gulp on the run.
Hey, that's the meaning of success.
74
00:04:00,868 --> 00:04:03,234
Oh, I know.
Yeah.
75
00:04:03,234 --> 00:04:06,434
Wait a minute.
This is for luck.
76
00:04:08,267 --> 00:04:09,501
Aww.
77
00:04:14,601 --> 00:04:16,434
Hey, you're a little
proud of me, huh?
78
00:04:16,434 --> 00:04:18,968
Oh, of course I am.
79
00:04:18,968 --> 00:04:22,267
And no matter
how successful you get,
80
00:04:22,267 --> 00:04:26,167
I know you'll still be
the same loveable Archie.
81
00:04:26,167 --> 00:04:28,601
Ah, yeah.
82
00:04:28,601 --> 00:04:33,133
I'll never get so big
that I can't look down on my own family.
83
00:04:34,801 --> 00:04:38,167
Okay, we'll
be down later. Yeah, swell.
84
00:04:38,167 --> 00:04:39,901
Swell. Oh,
here's Gloria!
85
00:04:39,901 --> 00:04:41,634
I made these sandwiches
for your opening.
86
00:04:41,634 --> 00:04:44,033
Okay, we'll bring them
down with us. Oh, okay.
87
00:04:44,033 --> 00:04:46,133
Hey, little girl,
what do you think of the old man?
88
00:04:46,133 --> 00:04:48,334
How's it look, huh?
Wonderful, wonderful!
89
00:04:48,334 --> 00:04:50,634
That's great.
Well, okay. Mwah!
90
00:04:50,634 --> 00:04:53,133
I'll see yous both
down at Archie's Place, huh?
91
00:04:53,133 --> 00:04:56,000
♪ Ah-ah Archie
ba-bum, that's me! ♪
92
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,000
♪ Ba-ba-ba-bum ♪
93
00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,434
[BOTH LAUGH]
Bye, Daddy!
94
00:04:58,434 --> 00:05:00,634
Bye!
See you later!
95
00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:02,834
TOGETHER: I hate that jacket.
96
00:05:04,133 --> 00:05:06,667
TOGETHER: So do I!
97
00:05:06,667 --> 00:05:08,000
[INAUDIBLE]
98
00:05:11,934 --> 00:05:13,901
[HUMMING]
99
00:05:13,901 --> 00:05:16,367
That's me.
100
00:05:16,367 --> 00:05:19,534
"Grand Opening."
101
00:05:19,534 --> 00:05:22,200
I like it better
with an "E", but what the hell.
102
00:05:28,400 --> 00:05:32,501
Okay, here I am.
Look alive, look alive, boys!
103
00:05:32,501 --> 00:05:34,334
You're early.
I gotta be early.
104
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,100
There's things to attend
to here, you know?
105
00:05:36,100 --> 00:05:38,033
To remind you what
condition your apron's in.
106
00:05:38,033 --> 00:05:39,300
You want me to change it?
107
00:05:39,300 --> 00:05:40,801
What, do you think
I'm made of money?
108
00:05:40,801 --> 00:05:42,601
Turn it around
to the clean side.
109
00:05:42,601 --> 00:05:45,501
This is the clean side.
110
00:05:45,501 --> 00:05:47,167
Hey, Carlos.
111
00:05:47,167 --> 00:05:50,834
All laughing and signs
of happiness on your marijuana break, huh?
112
00:05:52,234 --> 00:05:54,634
Okay. Did you
put the powder in the toilet?
113
00:05:54,634 --> 00:05:58,200
Why?
Because I like the classy blue water.
114
00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:00,367
Do it.
115
00:06:00,367 --> 00:06:03,734
Now, Harry, listen to me.
We're in this thing together.
116
00:06:03,734 --> 00:06:05,534
[CRIES OUT]
Jeez!
117
00:06:08,501 --> 00:06:12,901
Harry, there's a spring
in this stool that does nasty things.
118
00:06:12,901 --> 00:06:16,634
Can't you get some tools
and push that back down in there, huh?
119
00:06:16,634 --> 00:06:19,300
Some woman comes in
and sits on that thing,
120
00:06:19,300 --> 00:06:21,968
and she belts
the innocent guy next to her.
121
00:06:24,767 --> 00:06:27,767
Don't give me
dirty looks. Fix this!
122
00:06:27,767 --> 00:06:30,901
Don't give me
so many orders. I'm doing it!
123
00:06:30,901 --> 00:06:32,601
Why don't you cool it, Arch?
124
00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:35,467
Because you're a boss
don't mean you gotta get an ulcer the first day!
125
00:06:35,467 --> 00:06:39,300
Listen, Harry, if it takes
an ulcer to make a success out of this joint,
126
00:06:39,300 --> 00:06:41,367
I'll take ulcers back to back.
127
00:06:41,367 --> 00:06:43,701
What ever happened to you?
128
00:06:43,701 --> 00:06:46,033
It seems like only yesterday
you were one of the guys,
129
00:06:46,033 --> 00:06:49,100
coming in here to drink
a few beers and get away from their wives.
130
00:06:49,100 --> 00:06:50,467
Everybody liked ya.
131
00:06:50,467 --> 00:06:52,634
That's all finished, Harry.
You know?
132
00:06:52,634 --> 00:06:56,133
Nice guys finish last,
as Carter said to Lance.
133
00:07:00,234 --> 00:07:01,834
Who's talking about nice?
134
00:07:01,834 --> 00:07:05,234
You jumped from
"barely acceptable" to "pain in the butt."
135
00:07:06,667 --> 00:07:09,434
Harry, what the hell
are you sore about?
136
00:07:09,434 --> 00:07:11,767
You wanna know what
I'm sore about?
137
00:07:11,767 --> 00:07:13,067
I'll tell ya.
138
00:07:13,067 --> 00:07:15,767
I worked behind this bar
for Kelsey for 10 years,
139
00:07:15,767 --> 00:07:17,634
just waiting for
my chance to take over.
140
00:07:17,634 --> 00:07:19,434
And you aced me out of it!
141
00:07:19,434 --> 00:07:22,467
Well, I'm the boss,
Harry, and you better get used to that!
142
00:07:22,467 --> 00:07:24,501
Listen, did you
ever stop and think
143
00:07:24,501 --> 00:07:27,934
that maybe you ain't
naturally cut out to be a boss?
144
00:07:27,934 --> 00:07:29,868
How the hell
would you know?
145
00:07:29,868 --> 00:07:33,434
Harry, if God wanted you
to be a boss,
146
00:07:33,434 --> 00:07:36,234
then why did He,
in His infinite wisdom,
147
00:07:36,234 --> 00:07:38,767
make you look
so perfect in an apron?
148
00:07:40,968 --> 00:07:44,434
Well, there's one thing
a bartender can do that a boss can't.
149
00:07:44,434 --> 00:07:45,534
What?
150
00:07:45,534 --> 00:07:47,167
Quit!
151
00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:49,300
Oh, come on, Harry,
you ain't gonna quit.
152
00:07:49,300 --> 00:07:51,968
Yes, I am! I'm going down
to McFeeney's bar!
153
00:07:51,968 --> 00:07:53,334
He's been after me
for months!
154
00:07:53,334 --> 00:07:54,901
Are you kidding?
McFeeney's?
155
00:07:54,901 --> 00:07:57,934
Nobody goes there no more.
That joint is a cemetery.
156
00:07:57,934 --> 00:08:01,067
They tell me
the jukebox plays Taps.
157
00:08:02,200 --> 00:08:04,200
Well, let me
tell you something.
158
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:06,100
I brought
the customers in here,
159
00:08:06,100 --> 00:08:08,734
and I'm gonna take 'em
down the block with me to McFeeney's!
160
00:08:08,734 --> 00:08:12,133
Harry, Archie's customers
belong in Archie's Place.
161
00:08:12,133 --> 00:08:15,367
What are you telling me?
My customers are gonna leave me to follow you?
162
00:08:15,367 --> 00:08:19,634
That's right! They're
gonna follow me right down the block to McFeeney's!
163
00:08:19,634 --> 00:08:22,934
No, they ain't!
They ain't gonna follow you no place there!
164
00:08:22,934 --> 00:08:25,801
Nobody's gonna follow you!
And let me tell you something, Harry!
165
00:08:25,801 --> 00:08:30,133
You could rub liver
on your behind and cats wouldn't even follow you!
166
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:36,868
Wait a minute!
167
00:08:36,868 --> 00:08:38,400
Where are you going?
168
00:08:38,400 --> 00:08:40,234
If Harry goes, I go.
169
00:08:40,234 --> 00:08:42,133
Well, where
are you gonna work?
170
00:08:42,133 --> 00:08:45,334
Are you kidding?
In this land of opportunity?
171
00:08:45,334 --> 00:08:47,801
Somewhere out there,
a carwash is waiting.
172
00:08:49,701 --> 00:08:51,934
After all I done for you.
173
00:08:51,934 --> 00:08:53,868
Is this all
you got to say to me?
174
00:08:53,868 --> 00:08:56,400
No, there's
one more thing. What?
175
00:08:56,400 --> 00:08:58,133
Zip up your fly!
176
00:09:09,501 --> 00:09:12,934
Gee, don't be yelling
out in the street. What a no class thing to do.
177
00:09:12,934 --> 00:09:14,267
Oh! Look at the sign!
178
00:09:14,267 --> 00:09:15,801
Daddy, you fixed it up
so great!
179
00:09:15,801 --> 00:09:17,601
Hey, it looks great, Archie!
Hey, I know.
180
00:09:17,601 --> 00:09:20,934
Everything looks beautiful,
beautiful, but I'm in big trouble here.
181
00:09:20,934 --> 00:09:22,767
Why, what's the matter,
Archie?
182
00:09:22,767 --> 00:09:25,868
Here it is, opening night,
I'm all alone. I ain't got no staff.
183
00:09:25,868 --> 00:09:28,200
Well, where is Harry
and Carlos?
184
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,234
Ah, I fired the two of them.
185
00:09:30,234 --> 00:09:31,367
What for?
186
00:09:31,367 --> 00:09:32,567
For doing something rotten.
187
00:09:32,567 --> 00:09:34,000
What did they do?
188
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:36,434
They quit.
189
00:09:36,434 --> 00:09:38,968
Oh, Archie!
Well, we can help ya!
190
00:09:38,968 --> 00:09:42,434
I can be the hostess
and show people to the table!
191
00:09:42,434 --> 00:09:44,434
Could you do that, Edith?
Sure!
192
00:09:44,434 --> 00:09:46,267
But, Daddy,
I could wait on tables.
193
00:09:46,267 --> 00:09:48,234
Could you do that?
Oh, wait till you see.
194
00:09:48,234 --> 00:09:50,234
Yeah, and I'll help you
behind the bar, Arch.
195
00:09:50,234 --> 00:09:52,634
Could you do that?
Well, I--I can draw beers.
196
00:09:52,634 --> 00:09:55,133
I don't know if I can
mix drinks, but I'll do the best I can.
197
00:09:55,133 --> 00:09:57,200
Oh, well, listen,
that's--that's all right.
198
00:09:57,200 --> 00:10:00,300
Nothing to worry about
the mix drink. Look, here's Harry's bartender's guide.
199
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:03,567
There, see, and anyway,
most the people come in here, they only drink beers.
200
00:10:03,567 --> 00:10:06,801
One guy-- Charlie McCree--
he comes in with his mother.
201
00:10:06,801 --> 00:10:08,834
We call her Mother McCree.
202
00:10:10,334 --> 00:10:15,400
Ah! Draw one light
and two martinis, very dry.
203
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:18,601
Hold the lemon,
hold the olive, and hold the ice.
204
00:10:18,601 --> 00:10:21,100
Gloria, Gloria,
this is a neighborhood bar.
205
00:10:21,100 --> 00:10:23,767
You don't have to take
your clothes off to work here.
206
00:10:23,767 --> 00:10:24,767
How about this, Daddy?
207
00:10:24,767 --> 00:10:27,901
And a slow gin fizz!
208
00:10:27,901 --> 00:10:30,133
Don't do that!
209
00:10:30,133 --> 00:10:31,467
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
ARCHIE: Get the door!
210
00:10:31,467 --> 00:10:33,701
Oh, it's customers!
211
00:10:33,701 --> 00:10:36,567
No, no, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
212
00:10:36,567 --> 00:10:39,167
I know, Edith,
I know you're the hostess and all of that,
213
00:10:39,167 --> 00:10:41,767
but, you know,
this is Archie's Place, right? Yeah.
214
00:10:41,767 --> 00:10:47,100
And I'm Archie,
so let me open the door for my own first customer, huh?
215
00:10:47,100 --> 00:10:48,300
Sure, Archie.
216
00:10:48,300 --> 00:10:51,167
I need it.
Please don't be nervous, huh?
217
00:10:51,167 --> 00:10:52,801
Oh, I ain't nervous.
218
00:10:52,801 --> 00:10:56,367
Yeah, I know, but you'll
soon get over it, see. Okay.
219
00:10:56,367 --> 00:10:59,033
Now here we go.
All set. Yeah.
220
00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:00,033
Welcome, welcome, welcome!
221
00:11:00,033 --> 00:11:02,133
Oh, come in!
Mrs. Bunker!
222
00:11:02,133 --> 00:11:03,501
How are ya?
223
00:11:03,501 --> 00:11:05,767
Ah, this is my husband--
Archie Bunker.
224
00:11:05,767 --> 00:11:12,534
Archie, this is Mr. Bilky.
He plays the organ at our church.
225
00:11:12,534 --> 00:11:14,534
At the church?
Yeah.
226
00:11:14,534 --> 00:11:16,033
Does he drink?
227
00:11:16,033 --> 00:11:20,167
Oh, Archie,
he's gonna be the piano player for our opening.
228
00:11:20,167 --> 00:11:22,267
Remember,
you told me to get one?
229
00:11:22,267 --> 00:11:24,968
So you got
a church organist, huh?
230
00:11:24,968 --> 00:11:28,300
Yeah, well, okay.
Well, then I guess you don't drink, huh?
231
00:11:28,300 --> 00:11:29,300
I drink a lot.
232
00:11:30,567 --> 00:11:32,434
Well, go on down there
to the piano
233
00:11:32,434 --> 00:11:36,133
and dry out down there,
see, while you're noodling around there,
234
00:11:36,133 --> 00:11:37,834
and, remember, keep it lively.
235
00:11:37,834 --> 00:11:41,300
Don't play nothin'
that'll bring the customers to their knees.
236
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:42,968
Here's some more customers!
237
00:11:42,968 --> 00:11:45,734
It's my turn,
I'm the hostess. Yeah, all right.
238
00:11:45,734 --> 00:11:47,868
Good evening.
Hi.
239
00:11:47,868 --> 00:11:50,934
Welcome to
Archie's Place.
240
00:11:50,934 --> 00:11:53,234
Yeah. Archie--
This is Archie.
241
00:11:53,234 --> 00:11:55,400
Yeah, that's me.
Hi. Hi.
242
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:56,868
We're Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver.
243
00:11:56,868 --> 00:12:00,801
Oh! Cleaver, a name
you never forget, huh? [LAUGHS]
244
00:12:00,801 --> 00:12:03,434
Yeah.
You have a little table for two?
245
00:12:03,434 --> 00:12:04,968
Oh, we only got
a table for four,
246
00:12:04,968 --> 00:12:07,167
but what the hell,
sit roomy, huh?
247
00:12:07,167 --> 00:12:08,667
Go ahead,
right down there.
248
00:12:08,667 --> 00:12:10,400
You'll be needing
music, too.
249
00:12:10,400 --> 00:12:11,868
Oh, Archie. Archie!
What? What?
250
00:12:11,868 --> 00:12:13,434
Do you want me
to sing?
251
00:12:13,434 --> 00:12:14,667
Er, no.
252
00:12:16,467 --> 00:12:19,133
Later on, Edith,
after they've had too much to drink.
253
00:12:20,234 --> 00:12:22,100
Waitress, waitress,
come over here, huh?
254
00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:24,300
You know, wait on
the people here. Coming through!
255
00:12:24,300 --> 00:12:25,634
Don't bend over.
256
00:12:25,634 --> 00:12:28,067
Daddy, I'm not showing
any cleavage.
257
00:12:28,067 --> 00:12:30,968
I know, but around
in the back you're showing a lot "clovage."
258
00:12:33,934 --> 00:12:37,067
Hi. I'm your
waitress, Gloria.
259
00:12:37,067 --> 00:12:38,801
Welcome to
Archie's Place.
260
00:12:38,801 --> 00:12:41,033
That's Archie.
What'll you have?
261
00:12:41,033 --> 00:12:43,267
We'll have two
Harvey Wallbangers.
262
00:12:43,267 --> 00:12:45,634
Oh, that
sounds delicious!
263
00:12:45,634 --> 00:12:47,267
Uh, two Wallbangers!
264
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:49,534
TOGETHER: Two Wallbangers
coming up!
265
00:12:49,534 --> 00:12:51,334
What the hell
is a Wallbanger?
266
00:12:53,667 --> 00:12:56,434
Check in Harry's
drink book. Okay.
267
00:12:56,434 --> 00:12:59,234
What brought you two
nice people to our little tavern tonight?
268
00:12:59,234 --> 00:13:02,701
This is an occasion.
We've been married two years tonight.
269
00:13:02,701 --> 00:13:04,767
Oh, that's wonderful!
270
00:13:04,767 --> 00:13:07,100
Second anniversary
over here!
271
00:13:07,100 --> 00:13:08,100
Oh, yeah?
Oh!
272
00:13:08,100 --> 00:13:10,567
Happy second
anniversary! Cut.
273
00:13:13,167 --> 00:13:16,200
Wallbanger,
Wallbanger...
274
00:13:16,200 --> 00:13:18,734
maybe it's under "Harvey."
275
00:13:18,734 --> 00:13:21,501
Arch, there's no
Harvey Wallbanger in here!
276
00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:23,667
Just take any
three kinds of whiskey,
277
00:13:23,667 --> 00:13:26,901
mix it with orange juice,
and serve it in a dark glass.
278
00:13:28,467 --> 00:13:30,934
Oh! I'll take care
of it, Mom.
279
00:13:30,934 --> 00:13:33,300
Hi. Welcome
to Archie's Place. Sit down.
280
00:13:33,300 --> 00:13:34,767
How do you do?
281
00:13:34,767 --> 00:13:36,367
Would you like
a sandwich?
282
00:13:36,367 --> 00:13:38,300
Yes, thank you.
Won't you join us?
283
00:13:38,300 --> 00:13:39,901
Oh! Thank you.
284
00:13:41,801 --> 00:13:45,434
So, it's your
second anniversary.
285
00:13:45,434 --> 00:13:47,000
Ain't that nice?
286
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:50,968
Oh, I'll never
forget my uncle Leon and my aunt Sophie.
287
00:13:50,968 --> 00:13:53,267
They had a second
anniversary,
288
00:13:53,267 --> 00:13:55,300
that was the second year
of their marriage.
289
00:13:55,300 --> 00:13:56,968
That was cotton.
Cotton!
290
00:13:56,968 --> 00:14:00,501
ARCHIE: Hey, look
who's coming in here!
291
00:14:00,501 --> 00:14:02,267
[LAUGHING]
292
00:14:04,567 --> 00:14:06,801
We just stopped by
to wish you luck, Arch.
293
00:14:06,801 --> 00:14:09,634
Yeah, the guys down
at the plant pitched in for these posies.
294
00:14:09,634 --> 00:14:11,467
We bought them
at the florist's.
295
00:14:11,467 --> 00:14:13,067
Oh, hey, they're beautiful.
296
00:14:13,067 --> 00:14:15,767
I bet the florist beat you
for about $9 or $11 for them, right?
297
00:14:15,767 --> 00:14:17,467
Oh, no, they
were marked down.
298
00:14:17,467 --> 00:14:20,534
You see, they made
it up for a funeral, but the guy got better.
299
00:14:24,234 --> 00:14:26,634
This is gorgeous!
300
00:14:26,634 --> 00:14:29,434
I'm gonna take it home
and hang it over our bed.
301
00:14:29,434 --> 00:14:31,501
Over your bed?
It says "Success".
302
00:14:31,501 --> 00:14:34,667
Well?
Shut up, you dirty guy.
303
00:14:35,934 --> 00:14:37,968
Say, I've heard of
moonlighting, Arch,
304
00:14:37,968 --> 00:14:41,267
but running a whole business
on the side? Hey!
305
00:14:41,267 --> 00:14:43,767
Hey, I hope the boss
down at the plant don't find out.
306
00:14:43,767 --> 00:14:45,367
Ah, how the hell
is he gonna find out?
307
00:14:45,367 --> 00:14:46,834
He never comes out
to Queens.
308
00:14:46,834 --> 00:14:48,868
Besides, Mr. Sanders
hates saloons.
309
00:14:48,868 --> 00:14:51,801
You know what happened
to Mr. Sanders the last time he got drunk?
310
00:14:51,801 --> 00:14:54,767
No, what?
He married Mrs. Sanders.
311
00:14:55,968 --> 00:14:57,033
[LAUGHING]
312
00:14:58,267 --> 00:15:00,200
Gloria?
Yeah, honey?
313
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,033
Here's the two
Harvey Wallbangers.
314
00:15:05,100 --> 00:15:06,834
Just serve 'em,
will you?
315
00:15:06,834 --> 00:15:07,968
Go ahead.
316
00:15:07,968 --> 00:15:12,400
So, my uncle Leon
gave my aunt Sophie
317
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:14,834
an anniversary present,
cotton.
318
00:15:14,834 --> 00:15:17,434
He gave her
a cotton handkerchief,
319
00:15:17,434 --> 00:15:22,033
only she didn't know that
he wrapped up a string of pearls in the hankie,
320
00:15:22,033 --> 00:15:24,234
so when she put it up
to her nose,
321
00:15:24,234 --> 00:15:27,601
she blew all the pearls
into Niagara Falls.
322
00:15:29,267 --> 00:15:31,200
Oh!
Uh, two Wallbangers.
323
00:15:31,200 --> 00:15:32,467
Thank you.
324
00:15:32,467 --> 00:15:34,434
This is my daughter,
Gloria Stivic. Hi.
325
00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:39,000
And that's her husband
tending bar over there, Michael Stivic.
326
00:15:39,000 --> 00:15:42,667
He's our new bartender.
327
00:15:42,667 --> 00:15:46,234
And, oh, they got
the cutest baby. Joey is his name.
328
00:15:46,234 --> 00:15:48,734
He's so cute.
He's two years old.
329
00:15:48,734 --> 00:15:50,367
Hey, Edith, Edith!
330
00:15:50,367 --> 00:15:51,968
Uh, Edith, if you
don't mind, Edith,
331
00:15:51,968 --> 00:15:54,534
I hate to stifle
a swell story, Edith,
332
00:15:54,534 --> 00:15:57,400
but I gotta talk to you
just a minute over here. Excuse me.
333
00:15:57,400 --> 00:15:59,000
Edith, no long stories.
334
00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:01,300
Every paragraph
is costing me money.
335
00:16:01,300 --> 00:16:03,567
Well, I was
just being gracious.
336
00:16:03,567 --> 00:16:05,400
Yeah, I know.
You wanna be helpful? Yeah.
337
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:07,634
Check the toilets,
see that the water is blue.
338
00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:08,801
Go on, Edith.
339
00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:10,167
Come in, folks!
Come on right in.
340
00:16:10,167 --> 00:16:12,234
Come right in,
there's seats for you right here.
341
00:16:12,234 --> 00:16:14,734
Here's a chair
for the little lady. Sit down right over here.
342
00:16:14,734 --> 00:16:16,033
Uh, waitress, waitress!
343
00:16:16,033 --> 00:16:18,501
Daddy was worried that Joey
would be bald forever,
344
00:16:18,501 --> 00:16:20,267
but now he's got
beautiful blond hair,
345
00:16:20,267 --> 00:16:21,801
much like mine.
Waitress!
346
00:16:21,801 --> 00:16:25,167
Get over here.
You're getting more like your mother every day.
347
00:16:25,167 --> 00:16:27,334
Serve the customers,
will you, huh?
348
00:16:27,334 --> 00:16:28,934
Hi, I'm your waitress,
Gloria.
349
00:16:28,934 --> 00:16:30,834
Welcome to Archie's Place.
Don't bend over!
350
00:16:30,834 --> 00:16:32,067
And that's Archie.
351
00:16:32,067 --> 00:16:35,000
Hey, bartender, give me
another double scotch.
352
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:37,234
Uh, you know, I think
you've had enough. What?
353
00:16:37,234 --> 00:16:38,667
Well--
Wait a minute.
354
00:16:38,667 --> 00:16:41,267
What the hell are you
trying to do, bring back prohibition?
355
00:16:41,267 --> 00:16:43,133
Arch, there's a new law.
356
00:16:43,133 --> 00:16:44,934
If this guy gets into
trouble, he can sue us.
357
00:16:44,934 --> 00:16:46,834
I'll handle this,
I'll handle this.
358
00:16:46,834 --> 00:16:49,868
Watch me now.
Uh, sir, are you driving tonight?
359
00:16:49,868 --> 00:16:51,901
No.
Are you an Indian?
360
00:16:51,901 --> 00:16:55,367
No!
Give him whatever the hell he wants.
361
00:16:55,367 --> 00:16:57,534
Double scotch.
And while you're at it,
362
00:16:57,534 --> 00:16:59,300
make up two more
Harvey Wallbangers
363
00:16:59,300 --> 00:17:00,901
for the McCleavers
over there. Okay.
364
00:17:00,901 --> 00:17:02,434
Uh, one pink lady
365
00:17:02,434 --> 00:17:04,434
and one Brandy Alexander,
honey.
366
00:17:04,434 --> 00:17:07,968
You know, it would be
a very helpful thing for me
367
00:17:07,968 --> 00:17:10,400
if this could all
be written down somewhere.
368
00:17:10,400 --> 00:17:12,000
Please.
369
00:17:12,000 --> 00:17:15,300
Everybody happy over here?
Yes, Daddy, everything's fine.
370
00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:17,167
You having fun here?
Certainly you are.
371
00:17:17,167 --> 00:17:19,734
I gotta take care
of my first customers over here.
372
00:17:22,367 --> 00:17:23,868
Hey, little girl,
373
00:17:23,868 --> 00:17:26,234
did you say something
rotten to the Carvers over here?
374
00:17:26,234 --> 00:17:28,133
Cleavers.
The same thing.
375
00:17:28,133 --> 00:17:31,300
No, but they said
something rotten to me. What'd they say to you?
376
00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:33,167
They said you can
take your Wallbangers and--
377
00:17:33,167 --> 00:17:34,868
Never mind!
378
00:17:34,868 --> 00:17:37,300
Serve the customers here.
379
00:17:37,300 --> 00:17:38,834
Don't bend over!
Okay.
380
00:17:38,834 --> 00:17:41,234
MIKE: Arch, here'sthe two Wallbangers.
381
00:17:41,234 --> 00:17:43,067
Oh, yeah,
the two Wallbangers. Gimme them.
382
00:17:43,067 --> 00:17:44,100
Yeah, what am I--
383
00:17:44,100 --> 00:17:46,234
Anybody wanna buy
two Wallbangers?
384
00:17:46,234 --> 00:17:49,000
Yeah, I'll take 'em
if the little waitress over here will join me.
385
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:50,801
Oh, sure.
There's nothing wrong with that.
386
00:17:51,901 --> 00:17:53,467
Uh, no thank you.
387
00:17:53,467 --> 00:17:56,467
This little waitress
doesn't drink during working hours. [SHRIEKS]
388
00:17:56,467 --> 00:17:57,934
Hey! Hey, watch that!
389
00:17:59,467 --> 00:18:01,901
He groped her!
All right, take it easy.
390
00:18:01,901 --> 00:18:04,267
I'm Archie. Archie
will throw the bum out.
391
00:18:04,267 --> 00:18:07,734
No, Daddy, I'll get rid
of him in a nice way.
392
00:18:07,734 --> 00:18:11,133
Uh, hello there,
Mr. Wonderful.
393
00:18:11,133 --> 00:18:13,367
Gee, I would love
to have a drink with you,
394
00:18:13,367 --> 00:18:15,567
but I'm not allowed
to drink with the customers
395
00:18:15,567 --> 00:18:16,868
or I might get fired.
396
00:18:16,868 --> 00:18:18,334
See, my boss is a creep.
397
00:18:21,634 --> 00:18:24,334
And then I'd be back
out walking the streets,
398
00:18:24,334 --> 00:18:26,267
and I've got three
hungry kids at home
399
00:18:26,267 --> 00:18:29,100
and I got a husband
who bashes my skull in.
400
00:18:29,100 --> 00:18:32,000
You know what?
These used to be my real teeth.
401
00:18:45,234 --> 00:18:47,200
That was pretty nifty,
little girl.
402
00:18:47,200 --> 00:18:48,734
You know?
Thanks.
403
00:18:48,734 --> 00:18:51,400
I'll bet the cops
could use that face for riot wear.
404
00:18:53,300 --> 00:19:00,267
♪ You stole my heart away ♪
405
00:19:00,267 --> 00:19:03,334
♪ Ooh ♪
Edith!
406
00:19:03,334 --> 00:19:05,634
Hey, Edith!
* Ask me to *
407
00:19:05,634 --> 00:19:07,133
Edith, hold it,
hold it.
408
00:19:07,133 --> 00:19:08,801
Edith!
* This I know *
409
00:19:08,801 --> 00:19:11,267
Thank you.
Thank you for that lovely moment, Edith.
410
00:19:11,267 --> 00:19:13,400
We don't need
another moment, Edith.
411
00:19:13,400 --> 00:19:16,067
I have to patch
a hole here.
412
00:19:16,067 --> 00:19:17,701
Yeah, yeah. Ain't you
dying for a drink?
413
00:19:17,701 --> 00:19:20,434
Yeah!
Then go over to the bar and live.
414
00:19:20,434 --> 00:19:21,801
I'll tell you what, folks.
415
00:19:21,801 --> 00:19:24,100
The little lady's gonna
finish that number later on
416
00:19:24,100 --> 00:19:27,033
and you'll enjoy it better
when yous are all loaded.
417
00:19:27,033 --> 00:19:29,534
[BAR PATRONS APPLAUD]
418
00:19:29,534 --> 00:19:30,934
Oh, hello, Pivnik.
419
00:19:30,934 --> 00:19:33,267
Oh, Mr. Sanders!
Oh, you want Archie!
420
00:19:33,267 --> 00:19:34,334
[LAUGHS]
421
00:19:35,701 --> 00:19:38,067
Archie, we got
trouble here!
422
00:19:38,067 --> 00:19:40,234
Sanders is here.
Uh, oh, what?
423
00:19:40,234 --> 00:19:44,067
Oh, Archie, be nice.
Remember, he's still your boss.
424
00:19:44,067 --> 00:19:46,334
Yeah, don't burn your
bridges behind you.
425
00:19:55,167 --> 00:19:57,534
Oh, hi there, Mr. Sanders.
426
00:19:57,534 --> 00:20:00,033
Will you straighten up here?
Sorry.
427
00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:02,400
What brings you all
the way out to Queens?
428
00:20:02,400 --> 00:20:04,100
You, Bunker.
Oh!
429
00:20:04,100 --> 00:20:07,267
Jeez, you come out
for the opening of my new saloon.
430
00:20:07,267 --> 00:20:09,434
Ain't that nice?
You gotta have a drink on the house.
431
00:20:09,434 --> 00:20:11,200
Get Mr. Sanders
a couple of Wallbangers.
432
00:20:11,200 --> 00:20:12,634
Oh, no thanks.
433
00:20:12,634 --> 00:20:16,300
Bunker, my secretary
said you called in sick again.
434
00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:19,300
Yeah, well, I had one
of them 24-hour flus.
435
00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:20,534
You look fine now.
436
00:20:20,534 --> 00:20:23,667
Yeah, well, I blew it
out in eight hours.
437
00:20:23,667 --> 00:20:26,334
If you think you're
gonna chisel the company out of sick pay,
438
00:20:26,334 --> 00:20:28,033
forget it.
439
00:20:28,033 --> 00:20:31,300
Mr. Sanders, I'm gonna
level with you now.
440
00:20:31,300 --> 00:20:33,167
I don't want
your sick pay,
441
00:20:33,167 --> 00:20:36,367
I don't want
nothing from you or the company,
442
00:20:36,367 --> 00:20:39,434
'cause I'm a businessman now
with my own business here.
443
00:20:39,434 --> 00:20:41,501
Well, that isn't
gonna last long.
444
00:20:41,501 --> 00:20:43,868
You're just a working
stiff, Bunker.
445
00:20:43,868 --> 00:20:46,434
Hey, it's been Bunker
for the last 20 years,
446
00:20:46,434 --> 00:20:49,000
but tonight,
it's Mr. Archie Bunker,
447
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:53,334
and as of tonight,
Mr. Archie Bunker says that he's gonna quit.
448
00:20:53,334 --> 00:20:55,667
Q-I-T, quit.
449
00:20:55,667 --> 00:20:58,200
Well, look,
Mr. Archie Bunker,
450
00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:00,100
you don't know
what you're doing.
451
00:21:00,100 --> 00:21:03,133
These neighborhood bars
are going out of style.
452
00:21:03,133 --> 00:21:06,801
You gotta be a financial
wizard to handle all your union troubles,
453
00:21:06,801 --> 00:21:08,801
your high costs,
high rents!
454
00:21:08,801 --> 00:21:12,033
Just don't come to me
when you fall on your face.
455
00:21:12,033 --> 00:21:13,767
And don't come me,
neither.
456
00:21:13,767 --> 00:21:15,901
Too late to apologize,
Harry!
457
00:21:15,901 --> 00:21:18,067
But I tell ya what,
if you really want to apologize,
458
00:21:18,067 --> 00:21:20,000
get behind the bar
and start working.
459
00:21:20,000 --> 00:21:23,567
No, Arch, I just come by to
pick up my bartender's guide.
460
00:21:23,567 --> 00:21:25,133
Uh, sorry, Professor.
461
00:21:25,133 --> 00:21:26,934
Oh, can't I just
have it for tonight?
462
00:21:26,934 --> 00:21:28,434
No, I need it.
Why?
463
00:21:28,434 --> 00:21:30,000
Two people just come in
off the street
464
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:32,100
and ordered
Harvey Wallbangers.
465
00:21:32,100 --> 00:21:33,934
It's not in there.
466
00:21:33,934 --> 00:21:36,467
Under "V" for vodka.
Oh!
467
00:21:36,467 --> 00:21:39,167
Uh, how do you
like the crowd we got here, Harry?
468
00:21:39,167 --> 00:21:40,868
Oh, this is nothing.
469
00:21:40,868 --> 00:21:42,667
We're gonna have more
than we can handle.
470
00:21:42,667 --> 00:21:45,367
I talked McFeeney into
putting in waitresses.
471
00:21:45,367 --> 00:21:47,567
Waitresses? Big deal!
We got a waitress.
472
00:21:47,567 --> 00:21:49,534
Topless?
473
00:21:49,534 --> 00:21:51,167
Certainly not.
474
00:21:51,167 --> 00:21:53,734
I can always bend over.
Don't move!
475
00:21:55,934 --> 00:21:57,601
Topless is dirty.
476
00:21:57,601 --> 00:22:01,567
Sure it is, Arch, but
topless is big business.
477
00:22:01,567 --> 00:22:03,267
So long, boss.
478
00:22:03,267 --> 00:22:05,367
I'm going back
where the action is.
479
00:22:05,367 --> 00:22:08,033
Oh, the action! The only
action you'll see over there
480
00:22:08,033 --> 00:22:10,801
is you and McFeeney chasing
after the cockroaches!
481
00:22:11,868 --> 00:22:13,234
You're in trouble,
Arch.
482
00:22:13,234 --> 00:22:15,234
No, I ain't in trouble!
Don't tell me that!
483
00:22:15,234 --> 00:22:17,067
You know what
I think of topless?
484
00:22:17,067 --> 00:22:19,634
When you seen two,
you've seen 'em all. Right, Edith?
485
00:22:22,267 --> 00:22:24,100
Hey, Arch! How about
livening things up?
486
00:22:24,100 --> 00:22:25,734
Give us a tune!
[BAR PATRONS AGREEING]
487
00:22:25,734 --> 00:22:27,934
No, no, no.
488
00:22:27,934 --> 00:22:30,000
Come on, Arch!
Sing-sing the one
489
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:33,601
all us veterans
sang in front of the Americana Hotel.
490
00:22:33,601 --> 00:22:34,801
Which one was that?
491
00:22:34,801 --> 00:22:38,000
The one the cops told you
not to do no more.
492
00:22:38,000 --> 00:22:40,767
[BAR PATRONS LAUGH]
Do that here? No, no.
493
00:22:40,767 --> 00:22:42,100
Come on,
sing the song!
494
00:22:42,100 --> 00:22:43,667
I'll tell ya what I'll do.
495
00:22:43,667 --> 00:22:46,667
I'll do the number if
Edith will come up there and do it with me.
496
00:22:46,667 --> 00:22:48,601
[BAR PATRONS CHEER]
497
00:22:52,467 --> 00:22:55,133
Archie, you told
me not to sing.
498
00:22:55,133 --> 00:22:59,234
Yeah, Edith, but you
always sound great when I'm there to drown you out.
499
00:22:59,234 --> 00:23:02,300
Archie, you quit
your job.
500
00:23:02,300 --> 00:23:04,534
Don't worry about that.
But, Archie--
501
00:23:04,534 --> 00:23:08,767
I don't care. I'm gonna
make a big success of this joint, Edith.
502
00:23:08,767 --> 00:23:13,667
And all I need is you
beside me, huh?
503
00:23:13,667 --> 00:23:16,834
I'm afraid you'll need
a lot more than me.
504
00:23:16,834 --> 00:23:18,467
[BAR PATRONS CHEER]
505
00:23:18,467 --> 00:23:19,634
All right, all right.
506
00:23:19,634 --> 00:23:20,934
We're gonna
give you the tune,
507
00:23:20,934 --> 00:23:22,767
and I know just the tune
we're gonna give ya.
508
00:23:22,767 --> 00:23:24,667
Hey there,
"re-maestro."
509
00:23:24,667 --> 00:23:26,234
Yeah?
510
00:23:26,234 --> 00:23:27,934
Do you know
this one here?
511
00:23:27,934 --> 00:23:34,133
♪ Oh, we ain't got
a barrel of money ♪
512
00:23:34,133 --> 00:23:37,501
♪ Maybe we're ragged
and funny ♪
513
00:23:37,501 --> 00:23:39,801
♪ But we'll travel along ♪
514
00:23:39,801 --> 00:23:41,634
♪ Singing our song ♪
515
00:23:41,634 --> 00:23:45,100
♪ Side by side ♪
516
00:23:45,100 --> 00:23:49,000
♪ Though we don't know
what's coming tomorrow ♪
517
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:52,334
♪ Maybe it's trouble
or sorrow ♪
518
00:23:52,334 --> 00:23:54,667
♪ But we'll travel our road ♪
519
00:23:54,667 --> 00:23:56,267
♪ Sharing our load ♪
520
00:23:56,267 --> 00:23:59,868
♪ Side by side ♪
521
00:23:59,868 --> 00:24:03,234
♪ In all kinds of weather ♪
522
00:24:03,234 --> 00:24:05,501
♪ What if the sky should fall ♪
523
00:24:21,501 --> 00:24:25,434
♪
524
00:24:25,434 --> 00:24:27,367
ANNOUNCER: All in the Family
was recorded on tape
525
00:24:27,367 --> 00:24:29,467
before a live audience.
526
00:24:29,517 --> 00:24:34,067
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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