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1
00:00:01,567 --> 00:00:04,267
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:04,267 --> 00:00:08,133
♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪
3
00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:11,100
♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪
4
00:00:11,100 --> 00:00:13,501
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:13,501 --> 00:00:17,267
♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪
6
00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:20,434
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪
7
00:00:20,434 --> 00:00:25,601
♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:25,601 --> 00:00:28,734
♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪
9
00:00:28,734 --> 00:00:31,634
♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪
10
00:00:31,634 --> 00:00:36,067
♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪
11
00:00:36,067 --> 00:00:40,734
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:45,567 --> 00:00:50,634
[SHOUTING]
13
00:00:50,634 --> 00:00:52,801
Why do I have to go
over there now?
14
00:00:52,801 --> 00:00:54,567
The party ain't
gonna be-- Shh!
15
00:00:54,567 --> 00:00:56,167
The party ain't gonna be
till six o'clock.
16
00:00:56,167 --> 00:00:57,601
Why do I have to
go over there?
17
00:00:57,601 --> 00:00:59,334
Because I'm afraid
if I leave you here
18
00:00:59,334 --> 00:01:01,467
you're gonna spill the beans
and Ma will find out!
19
00:01:01,467 --> 00:01:03,234
I ain't gonna
spill nothin'.
20
00:01:03,234 --> 00:01:04,634
I ain't thinkin'
about these things.
21
00:01:04,634 --> 00:01:06,300
If you hadn't reminded me
there a minute ago,
22
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:08,400
I wouldn't have remembered
it was your mother's birthday.
23
00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:10,534
Sure. Why should this year
be any different from any other year?
24
00:01:13,367 --> 00:01:15,634
Well, uh...shut up.
25
00:01:15,634 --> 00:01:17,934
When she walks in,
if she's not surprised
26
00:01:17,934 --> 00:01:19,434
I'm gonna know
you told her.
27
00:01:19,434 --> 00:01:20,801
Lemme tell you somethin'.
28
00:01:20,801 --> 00:01:23,801
All these things give
me one big pain in the heinie there.
29
00:01:23,801 --> 00:01:25,200
The birthdays,
the Mother's Days,
30
00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:26,501
the Father's Days,
the Christmas,
31
00:01:26,501 --> 00:01:29,100
and all these things
are invented by two guys
32
00:01:29,100 --> 00:01:31,434
to sell cards.
33
00:01:31,434 --> 00:01:33,667
Karl and Marx.
34
00:01:33,667 --> 00:01:35,400
You remember where
you heard that.
35
00:01:35,400 --> 00:01:37,801
And look at this.
Ain't that pretty?
36
00:01:37,801 --> 00:01:40,667
Bloomin' outta
the ice box there.
37
00:01:40,667 --> 00:01:42,667
Why don't you get
all the way in there?
38
00:01:42,667 --> 00:01:44,334
Get in all the way!
39
00:01:44,334 --> 00:01:45,868
- Go on, get in there!
- Daddy!
40
00:01:45,868 --> 00:01:47,934
Are you crazy?!
41
00:01:47,934 --> 00:01:49,767
What's the matter
with you?!
42
00:01:49,767 --> 00:01:51,000
I just wanted an apple.
43
00:01:51,000 --> 00:01:52,767
Look what he was
rootin' in there for,
44
00:01:52,767 --> 00:01:54,334
- my apple.
- You want a bite?
45
00:01:54,334 --> 00:01:56,000
Not after ya licked it.
46
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:58,400
Pipe down
and pay attention.
47
00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:00,100
When Ma
comes downstairs,
48
00:02:00,100 --> 00:02:01,767
I'm gonna say
"Happy birthday,"
49
00:02:01,767 --> 00:02:03,234
but don't you
say anything.
50
00:02:03,234 --> 00:02:04,868
You gonna say
"Happy birthday"?
51
00:02:04,868 --> 00:02:06,300
You're gonna
blow the whole surprise
52
00:02:06,300 --> 00:02:08,000
in your surprise party.
53
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:10,067
No, no, no.
54
00:02:10,067 --> 00:02:13,901
Don't you see?
She expects me to wish her a happy birthday
55
00:02:13,901 --> 00:02:16,133
because it's something
that I always do.
56
00:02:16,133 --> 00:02:18,033
But it's something
that you never do,
57
00:02:18,033 --> 00:02:19,901
do she doesn't
expect it from you.
58
00:02:19,901 --> 00:02:21,834
Now, if I don't
say anything
59
00:02:21,834 --> 00:02:23,667
when she expects me
to say something
60
00:02:23,667 --> 00:02:25,100
because you don't
want me to,
61
00:02:25,100 --> 00:02:26,968
then she's gonna know
something's up
62
00:02:26,968 --> 00:02:29,234
because I haven't
said anything when I should have.
63
00:02:29,234 --> 00:02:32,367
And if you say something,
which is what I don't want you to do,
64
00:02:32,367 --> 00:02:34,501
when you're supposed to
and you shouldn't have,
65
00:02:34,501 --> 00:02:36,133
then Ma's gonna know
something's up
66
00:02:36,133 --> 00:02:38,200
because you said
something.
67
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:40,467
Don't you see?
Don't you understand?
68
00:02:40,467 --> 00:02:43,434
You get more like
the old lady every day.
69
00:02:46,467 --> 00:02:49,000
Do you remember how
you're supposed to get Ma over to our house?
70
00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:51,868
Yeah, sure,
grab her by the ankle and drag her over there.
71
00:02:51,868 --> 00:02:53,634
- No, no, no!
- Don't do that!
72
00:02:53,634 --> 00:02:56,901
You could hit a nerve there
and make somebody go cock-eyed.
73
00:02:56,901 --> 00:03:00,200
[EDITH SINGING "MOON RIVER"
IN DISTANCE]
74
00:03:00,200 --> 00:03:02,400
Oh, geez, there she is--
75
00:03:02,400 --> 00:03:06,467
the great singin' star
Beverly Stills herself.
76
00:03:06,467 --> 00:03:08,367
Now, you stay here
and dummy up.
77
00:03:08,367 --> 00:03:09,868
Don't tell me what to do!
78
00:03:09,868 --> 00:03:14,133
- [SINGING]
- GLORIA: Happy birthday, Ma!
79
00:03:14,133 --> 00:03:17,934
- Happy birthday!
- Thank you, Mike.
80
00:03:17,934 --> 00:03:20,167
♪ You heartbreaker... ♪
81
00:03:20,167 --> 00:03:23,834
You're breakin' my heart, Edith.
And my ear drums, too.
82
00:03:23,834 --> 00:03:25,901
Don't you want to
wish me something, too?
83
00:03:25,901 --> 00:03:28,934
Certainly. I wish you
wouldn't sing no more.
84
00:03:28,934 --> 00:03:30,834
Oh, Archie!
85
00:03:30,834 --> 00:03:32,734
Don't you know
what day this is?
86
00:03:32,734 --> 00:03:34,133
Yeah, it's Saturday.
87
00:03:34,133 --> 00:03:37,367
No,
it's something else besides Saturday.
88
00:03:37,367 --> 00:03:43,701
Oh, yeah, I remember.
Shut up. [RASPBERRIES]
89
00:03:43,701 --> 00:03:47,234
Oh, my work, how time
has flew. I remember.
90
00:03:47,234 --> 00:03:51,601
This is the first day
of National Spay the Cat Week.
91
00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:56,601
Oh. If you don't know
what day it is,
92
00:03:56,601 --> 00:03:58,667
- I ain't gonna tell ya.
- Okay, Edith,
93
00:03:58,667 --> 00:04:01,701
I'll spend the rest of the day
tryin' to figure it out.
94
00:04:01,701 --> 00:04:02,934
Surprise party.
95
00:04:02,934 --> 00:04:04,901
Youse are the ones
who are gonna be surprised
96
00:04:04,901 --> 00:04:06,968
- when she finds out.
- Why?
97
00:04:06,968 --> 00:04:08,868
Because your mother's
gonna wet her pants.
98
00:04:08,868 --> 00:04:11,234
- Daddy!
- Don't hit there!
99
00:04:11,234 --> 00:04:12,834
It ain't my fault
100
00:04:12,834 --> 00:04:14,000
every time
she gets excited
101
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:16,767
she loses her grips
over everything.
102
00:04:16,767 --> 00:04:18,100
Daddy, listen to me.
103
00:04:18,100 --> 00:04:19,501
I don't wanna listen
to nothin'.
104
00:04:19,501 --> 00:04:21,467
Why don't you go home
and hang out the decorations
105
00:04:21,467 --> 00:04:23,567
and get out the food before
all the freeloaders arrive?
106
00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:25,400
You could've come over
and helped, you know?
107
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:28,567
I helped. I sent out all
the invitations, didn't I?
108
00:04:28,567 --> 00:04:29,801
Yeah.
109
00:04:29,801 --> 00:04:33,734
Did big fat Ethel Torkelson
RSBVD yet?
110
00:04:33,734 --> 00:04:35,734
She's can't come.
She's sick.
111
00:04:35,734 --> 00:04:38,334
Good. She aged
like a gorilla.
112
00:04:38,334 --> 00:04:40,367
I hope you didn't
go behind my back
113
00:04:40,367 --> 00:04:42,234
and invite bigmouth
Sybil Gooley.
114
00:04:42,234 --> 00:04:44,734
No, I didn't,
but if she finds out
115
00:04:44,734 --> 00:04:47,100
that we're giving Ma a party
and she's not invited,
116
00:04:47,100 --> 00:04:48,567
she'll never speak
to us again.
117
00:04:48,567 --> 00:04:51,601
Oh, jeez, only one way
to keep that woman from speaking again.
118
00:04:51,601 --> 00:04:54,868
- How?
- Push her off a bridge.
119
00:04:54,868 --> 00:04:56,467
Okay, now,
here's the plan.
120
00:04:56,467 --> 00:04:57,901
Don't hit.
121
00:04:57,901 --> 00:04:59,934
That's not a hit.
This is a hit.
122
00:04:59,934 --> 00:05:01,767
God! Ouch.
123
00:05:01,767 --> 00:05:05,534
Now, listen to me.
You tell Ma you're comin' over to baby-sit Joey.
124
00:05:05,534 --> 00:05:08,534
- Baby-sit Joey.
- And that's she's to pick you up at 6 o'clock,
125
00:05:08,534 --> 00:05:11,968
- I know.
- and that you're taking the two of you out to dinner.
126
00:05:11,968 --> 00:05:14,100
Then when she walks in
the front door,
127
00:05:14,100 --> 00:05:15,601
we all holler, "Surprise!"
128
00:05:15,601 --> 00:05:18,434
And that's when your mother
wets her pants.
129
00:05:18,434 --> 00:05:20,601
Don't do that!
130
00:05:20,601 --> 00:05:23,133
Will you tell her
to stop this here?!
131
00:05:23,133 --> 00:05:24,234
Gloria, stop it.
132
00:05:25,968 --> 00:05:27,067
Didn't work.
133
00:05:29,234 --> 00:05:31,868
Jeez, you are pitiful,
do you know that?
134
00:05:31,868 --> 00:05:34,067
Arch, did you get Ma
a present?
135
00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:36,100
Yeah, certainly
I got her a present.
136
00:05:36,100 --> 00:05:38,701
She's my wife, ain't she?
137
00:05:38,701 --> 00:05:41,734
What did I get her,
little girl?
138
00:05:41,734 --> 00:05:44,334
A beautiful cardigan sweater.
139
00:05:44,334 --> 00:05:46,501
I know something
she could use more.
140
00:05:46,501 --> 00:05:48,601
- What?
- Rubber pants.
141
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:54,133
You're not funny!
You're not funny!
142
00:05:54,133 --> 00:05:55,367
Let's go, come on.
143
00:05:55,367 --> 00:05:57,701
Don't forget to bring over
your punchbowl.
144
00:05:57,701 --> 00:05:59,133
Wait a minute,
wait a minute!
145
00:05:59,133 --> 00:06:00,901
You got a punchbowl
of your own.
146
00:06:00,901 --> 00:06:03,367
I give you your anniversary,
set me back $11.
147
00:06:03,367 --> 00:06:05,968
Yeah, we use it
for Joey's goldfish.
148
00:06:05,968 --> 00:06:08,267
For the goldfish?
149
00:06:08,267 --> 00:06:13,300
You got a 10 cent fish
livin' in an $11 bowl?
150
00:06:15,400 --> 00:06:18,868
That's like you
living at the Waldorf.
151
00:06:18,868 --> 00:06:21,200
- Lemme tell you somethin'.
- Awright, hurry up.
152
00:06:21,200 --> 00:06:23,767
- Why must you always--
- I can't wait.
153
00:06:30,467 --> 00:06:34,133
Hey, Edith,
why must them two always be over there?
154
00:06:34,133 --> 00:06:36,200
Don't you know I'm sick
of looking at them?
155
00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:38,234
What are you
gonna do today?
156
00:06:38,234 --> 00:06:39,801
I'm going over
their house.
157
00:06:39,801 --> 00:06:41,734
I gotta baby-sit
till 6 o'clock.
158
00:06:41,734 --> 00:06:43,801
They're going to the store
or something, see?
159
00:06:43,801 --> 00:06:45,467
What are you doing here?
160
00:06:45,467 --> 00:06:46,734
I'm making a cake.
161
00:06:46,734 --> 00:06:48,534
Don't be doin' that.
162
00:06:48,534 --> 00:06:50,801
It's my birthday
today.
163
00:06:50,801 --> 00:06:52,534
You don't wanna do that.
164
00:06:52,534 --> 00:06:55,267
Today is my birthday,
remember?
165
00:06:55,267 --> 00:06:57,901
Yeah, I can remember,
but I don't like to remember birthdays.
166
00:06:57,901 --> 00:07:00,934
Sorry, Edith,
but you know birthdays give me the blues.
167
00:07:00,934 --> 00:07:03,033
Oh, don't be blue.
168
00:07:03,033 --> 00:07:05,167
Come on, cheer up,
be happy.
169
00:07:05,167 --> 00:07:07,467
Now, don't be silly.
170
00:07:07,467 --> 00:07:09,701
We ain't
a couple of kids here, Edith.
171
00:07:09,701 --> 00:07:12,567
Come on, now, you know,
between the two of us
172
00:07:12,567 --> 00:07:16,501
we're pressin' more than
a hundred years of faded flesh here.
173
00:07:16,501 --> 00:07:20,400
Oh, then you do remember
how old I am!
174
00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:22,667
Yeah, you're 50,
aren't ya?
175
00:07:22,667 --> 00:07:25,267
That's right!
How did you remember?
176
00:07:25,267 --> 00:07:27,901
Oh, I got a very romantic
way to remember that.
177
00:07:27,901 --> 00:07:31,133
Edith, you are as old
as Lindbergh's airplane.
178
00:07:31,133 --> 00:07:33,300
Oh. Ha ha ha!
179
00:07:33,300 --> 00:07:37,234
You know, I don't
feel like 50.
180
00:07:37,234 --> 00:07:39,400
Do I look like 50?
181
00:07:42,968 --> 00:07:44,901
You wanna know the truth?
182
00:07:45,968 --> 00:07:47,300
Not today.
183
00:07:49,067 --> 00:07:52,300
Many happy returns...
of the day.
184
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:54,434
Now, you come over there
and pick me up at 6 o'clock sharp,
185
00:07:54,434 --> 00:07:56,934
then I'm gonna take you out
to dinner in a new Italian joint
186
00:07:56,934 --> 00:07:58,467
Parmigiana Paradiso.
187
00:07:58,467 --> 00:08:02,167
Or, as I call it,
St. Garlic's Grotto.
188
00:08:02,167 --> 00:08:03,534
Huh?
189
00:08:03,534 --> 00:08:05,267
Well,
what about my cake?
190
00:08:05,267 --> 00:08:07,868
We'll eat the cake
when we come home from the joint, see?
191
00:08:07,868 --> 00:08:09,167
Now, remember,
6 o'clock sharp.
192
00:08:09,167 --> 00:08:11,167
Oh, and Edith,
when you come over there,
193
00:08:11,167 --> 00:08:13,434
be sure and use
their front door.
194
00:08:13,434 --> 00:08:15,100
Why?
195
00:08:15,100 --> 00:08:18,634
Well, uh, uh--
because it's politer, Edith.
196
00:08:18,634 --> 00:08:20,467
Ya know? Yeah.
197
00:08:20,467 --> 00:08:21,868
[DOOR BUZZER]
198
00:08:21,868 --> 00:08:23,267
Oh. Coming!
199
00:08:23,267 --> 00:08:25,200
[HUMMING]
200
00:08:28,767 --> 00:08:31,133
Sybil Gooley!
201
00:08:31,133 --> 00:08:32,934
What are you doing here?
202
00:08:32,934 --> 00:08:36,100
Why ain't you down
at Ferguson's Market workin'?
203
00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:38,501
I'll never forgive you
for this, Edith Bunker!
204
00:08:38,501 --> 00:08:39,734
For what?
205
00:08:39,734 --> 00:08:41,667
I'm not invited
to the party!
206
00:08:41,667 --> 00:08:43,033
What party?
207
00:08:43,033 --> 00:08:45,334
The one I'm not
invited to.
208
00:08:45,334 --> 00:08:47,200
Your party!
209
00:08:47,200 --> 00:08:49,934
Well, I wasn't
invited neither.
210
00:08:49,934 --> 00:08:53,667
How can you not be invited
to your own birthday party?
211
00:08:53,667 --> 00:08:56,067
My birthd--
212
00:08:56,067 --> 00:08:59,000
Oh...
213
00:08:59,000 --> 00:09:02,133
That's why Archie
was actin--
214
00:09:02,133 --> 00:09:06,701
Oh, it must be
a surprise party.
215
00:09:06,701 --> 00:09:09,400
But it ain't
no surprise no more.
216
00:09:09,400 --> 00:09:12,300
I let the cat
out of the bag, huh?
217
00:09:12,300 --> 00:09:14,367
- Yeah.
- I'm glad.
218
00:09:14,367 --> 00:09:16,901
Oh, Sybil, come on in.
219
00:09:16,901 --> 00:09:19,934
I'm sure it ain't nothin'
personal.
220
00:09:19,934 --> 00:09:21,601
Of course it's personal.
221
00:09:21,601 --> 00:09:23,801
I happen to know
that Archie hates me.
222
00:09:23,801 --> 00:09:25,701
Whoever told you that?
223
00:09:25,701 --> 00:09:27,434
Archie did.
224
00:09:27,434 --> 00:09:29,667
Oh, Sybil,
225
00:09:29,667 --> 00:09:31,934
you know the way
Archie is.
226
00:09:31,934 --> 00:09:34,534
I mean, he says
he hates everybody--
227
00:09:34,534 --> 00:09:36,968
President Carter,
228
00:09:36,968 --> 00:09:40,334
Mayor Beame,
Walter Cronkite,
229
00:09:40,334 --> 00:09:42,968
Bella Abzug,
Mr. Abzug,
230
00:09:42,968 --> 00:09:45,400
the Mets, the Jets,
231
00:09:45,400 --> 00:09:47,934
all the United Nations.
232
00:09:47,934 --> 00:09:51,667
And they don't get upset,
so why should you?
233
00:09:51,667 --> 00:09:55,734
Because they wouldn't come
to your party, and I would.
234
00:09:55,734 --> 00:09:58,400
Well, I'm invitin' ya.
Will ya come?
235
00:09:58,400 --> 00:09:59,501
No, Edith, I could
never do that.
236
00:09:59,501 --> 00:10:00,601
Please?
237
00:10:00,601 --> 00:10:01,601
All right!
238
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:03,801
I better go get changed.
239
00:10:03,801 --> 00:10:05,701
Oh, you don't
have to change,
240
00:10:05,701 --> 00:10:07,601
you look beautiful.
241
00:10:07,601 --> 00:10:09,334
I know.
242
00:10:09,334 --> 00:10:11,601
Listen, I could get fired
for telling you this,
243
00:10:11,601 --> 00:10:13,133
but there's gonna be
a special
244
00:10:13,133 --> 00:10:15,033
on standing rib roast
Wednesday.
245
00:10:15,033 --> 00:10:17,434
- 10:00. You be there.
- Yeah?
246
00:10:17,434 --> 00:10:19,000
And on account
of your birthday,
247
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,567
you come over
to my checkstand,
248
00:10:20,567 --> 00:10:23,200
and I'll double-bag
you all week!
249
00:10:25,167 --> 00:10:26,834
I'll see you
at the party!
250
00:10:26,834 --> 00:10:28,133
Over at the--
251
00:10:28,133 --> 00:10:29,901
Oh, don't tell me
where it is.
252
00:10:29,901 --> 00:10:31,801
I know too much
already.
253
00:10:31,801 --> 00:10:33,434
Oh!
254
00:10:33,434 --> 00:10:35,567
- Goodbye, Edith.
- Bye!
255
00:10:35,567 --> 00:10:37,767
- Oh, excuse me.
- Oh. Hi.
256
00:10:40,267 --> 00:10:42,868
- How do you do?
- Hi, my name's Lambert--
257
00:10:42,868 --> 00:10:44,434
Oh, wait a minute.
258
00:10:56,267 --> 00:10:59,234
Now begin again.
259
00:10:59,234 --> 00:11:02,367
Hi, my name...
is Detective Lambert.
260
00:11:02,367 --> 00:11:04,200
I'm with
the police department.
261
00:11:04,200 --> 00:11:06,934
I'd like to ask you
a couple of questions if I could.
262
00:11:06,934 --> 00:11:08,834
Oh, sure!
263
00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:10,534
Come on in.
264
00:11:10,534 --> 00:11:13,467
I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to be rude,
265
00:11:13,467 --> 00:11:16,567
but they say women
gotta be very careful these days
266
00:11:16,567 --> 00:11:18,300
with the robbers
and the burglars...
267
00:11:18,300 --> 00:11:21,100
Oh, no, can't
be too cautious, Miss...?
268
00:11:21,100 --> 00:11:23,534
Oh, Missus. Bunker.
Edith Bunker.
269
00:11:23,534 --> 00:11:26,200
Mrs. Bunker.
No, you can't be too cautious, 'cause, you see,
270
00:11:26,200 --> 00:11:29,801
it seems there's
a man in your neighborhood who's been...
271
00:11:29,801 --> 00:11:31,667
well, he's been
molesting women.
272
00:11:31,667 --> 00:11:34,601
- Ohh.
- So I'd like to ask you and your husband
273
00:11:34,601 --> 00:11:36,033
a couple of questions
if I could.
274
00:11:36,033 --> 00:11:39,834
Oh, sure.
But my husband ain't here.
275
00:11:39,834 --> 00:11:41,467
Oh, that's a shame.
276
00:11:41,467 --> 00:11:42,968
Nobody's here.
277
00:11:42,968 --> 00:11:45,567
Well, maybe you can
meet him some other time.
278
00:11:45,567 --> 00:11:48,133
But you can ask me questions.
Sit down.
279
00:11:48,133 --> 00:11:50,501
As long as it don't
take too long,
280
00:11:50,501 --> 00:11:53,400
'cause I gotta get ready
for my surprise birthday pa--
281
00:11:53,400 --> 00:11:55,234
Oh, I ain't supposed to know.
282
00:11:55,234 --> 00:11:57,934
No, no,
this won't take long.
283
00:11:57,934 --> 00:11:59,067
Uh...
284
00:11:59,067 --> 00:12:01,400
first, let me just
describe him to you,
285
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:03,734
you know,
in case you see him.
286
00:12:03,734 --> 00:12:08,434
He's a man about
my height and build...
287
00:12:08,434 --> 00:12:12,000
wears a gray suit,
dark hat,
288
00:12:12,000 --> 00:12:16,367
and a...blue and gold
striped tie.
289
00:12:16,367 --> 00:12:20,567
Oh, just like the one
you're wearing.
290
00:12:20,567 --> 00:12:22,100
Yeah.
291
00:12:22,100 --> 00:12:24,901
Just exactly like
the one I'm wearing.
292
00:12:31,467 --> 00:12:33,734
Now, you listen to me.
293
00:12:33,734 --> 00:12:37,501
You cooperate with me,
and you're not gonna get hurt.
294
00:12:37,501 --> 00:12:39,634
- [GASPS]
- You understand that?
295
00:12:42,300 --> 00:12:45,067
Okay, now...
296
00:12:45,067 --> 00:12:46,868
you don't make any trouble,
297
00:12:46,868 --> 00:12:49,601
and everything is gonna be
just fine, you understand?
298
00:12:49,601 --> 00:12:51,100
I-I'll give you anything
you want.
299
00:12:51,100 --> 00:12:53,634
I got some money upstairs,
eight dollars,
300
00:12:53,634 --> 00:12:55,801
or I could give you a check.
301
00:12:58,434 --> 00:13:00,534
Lady,
I don't want your money.
302
00:13:00,534 --> 00:13:03,267
Now, look,
I don't want to hurt you, but you see this?
303
00:13:04,667 --> 00:13:06,901
I'd hate to
have to use it.
304
00:13:06,901 --> 00:13:10,000
I'd hate to have you
have to, too.
305
00:13:11,901 --> 00:13:16,601
All right, then.
All you gotta do is do exactly like I tell you,
306
00:13:16,601 --> 00:13:18,601
and everything's
gonna be just fine.
307
00:13:18,601 --> 00:13:21,634
Ohh! What are you
gonna do to me?
308
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:24,334
Just exactly what you think
I'm gonna do to you.
309
00:13:24,334 --> 00:13:26,801
Oh! No!
You wouldn't do that, no!
310
00:13:26,801 --> 00:13:29,167
- No! You wouldn't!
- I will!
311
00:13:29,167 --> 00:13:30,734
[SCREAMING]
312
00:13:30,734 --> 00:13:33,567
Hey! Knock it off!
Knock it off.
313
00:13:33,567 --> 00:13:36,868
All right.
Just stay quiet, okay?
314
00:13:39,300 --> 00:13:41,934
What are you
gonna do?
315
00:13:41,934 --> 00:13:45,033
You ain't takin' off
your clothes, are ya?
316
00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:46,300
Yeah.
317
00:13:46,300 --> 00:13:48,534
Then I'm gonna
take yours off.
318
00:13:48,534 --> 00:13:51,834
Wouldn't you like
a cup of coffee instead?
319
00:13:53,434 --> 00:13:54,901
I don't drink coffee.
320
00:13:54,901 --> 00:13:56,868
I got Sanka!
321
00:13:58,701 --> 00:14:01,167
Lady, you're stallin',
and it ain't gonna do you any good.
322
00:14:01,167 --> 00:14:04,701
Now, this is gonna happen...
so just relax, okay?
323
00:14:04,701 --> 00:14:06,400
Listen,
I gotta get outta here,
324
00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:09,868
see, I gotta get ready
for my birthday party.
325
00:14:09,868 --> 00:14:11,033
Happy birthday.
326
00:14:11,033 --> 00:14:12,601
Oh--oh, thank you.
327
00:14:13,801 --> 00:14:15,300
I'm--
328
00:14:15,300 --> 00:14:18,033
I'm 50 years old.
329
00:14:18,033 --> 00:14:19,234
I'm very old.
330
00:14:19,234 --> 00:14:20,934
I'm-I'm--
331
00:14:20,934 --> 00:14:25,400
I'm-I'm as old as
Lindbergh's airplane!
332
00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:27,133
I like older women.
333
00:14:27,133 --> 00:14:29,067
But I'm married!
334
00:14:29,067 --> 00:14:30,868
So am I.
335
00:14:30,868 --> 00:14:32,334
No!
336
00:14:32,334 --> 00:14:34,667
You ain't gonna
get away with this!
337
00:14:34,667 --> 00:14:36,400
Oh, yeah? Why not?
338
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:38,601
Because my husband--
that's Archie--
339
00:14:38,601 --> 00:14:40,701
he's next door
where my daughter lives,
340
00:14:40,701 --> 00:14:43,067
and-and I'm supposed
to meet him over there
341
00:14:43,067 --> 00:14:44,701
at 6 o'clock sharp,
342
00:14:44,701 --> 00:14:46,934
'cause he's gonna
take me out to dinner,
343
00:14:46,934 --> 00:14:49,834
to the Parmigiano Paradiso.
344
00:14:49,834 --> 00:14:53,033
He calls it
St. Garlic's Grotto.
345
00:14:53,033 --> 00:14:54,634
Ha ha!
Ain't that funny?
346
00:14:55,934 --> 00:14:58,000
I guess it ain't.
347
00:14:58,000 --> 00:15:01,000
But I don't think
he's gonna take me out to dinner
348
00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:03,834
because, see,
they're gonna give me a surprise party
349
00:15:03,834 --> 00:15:05,000
for my birthday,
350
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:08,367
only I ain't supposed
to know, see.
351
00:15:08,367 --> 00:15:10,868
But I'm gonna act surprised.
352
00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:14,400
And, see, I'm supposed
to be over there at 6 o'clock sharp,
353
00:15:14,400 --> 00:15:16,067
6 o'clock, see,
354
00:15:16,067 --> 00:15:17,901
and if I ain't over there
by 6 o'clock
355
00:15:17,901 --> 00:15:20,434
then they're gonna
come over here at 6 o'clock.
356
00:15:20,434 --> 00:15:21,901
It's only 5:30 now.
357
00:15:21,901 --> 00:15:24,167
What? Did I say 6?
5:30.
358
00:15:24,167 --> 00:15:26,901
I have to be
over there at 5:30.
359
00:15:26,901 --> 00:15:30,434
- Lady, there's plenty of time.
- Oh, no!
360
00:15:30,434 --> 00:15:32,434
You know,
you smell wonderful.
361
00:15:32,434 --> 00:15:34,334
That's Lemon Pledge.
362
00:15:34,334 --> 00:15:36,801
- [PHONE RINGS]
- [EDITH SCREAMS]
363
00:15:38,701 --> 00:15:41,801
- [RINGING]
- Ohh. Just let it ring.
364
00:15:41,801 --> 00:15:45,834
- No, no! That's
my husband Archie. - So what?
365
00:15:45,834 --> 00:15:48,133
Well, becau--
well, he knows I'm home
366
00:15:48,133 --> 00:15:50,100
and-and I always answer quick,
367
00:15:50,100 --> 00:15:53,868
and if I don't answer quick,
then he's gonna be over here!
368
00:15:53,868 --> 00:15:55,901
Yeah, okay.
All right, all right!
369
00:15:55,901 --> 00:15:58,067
- [RINGING]
- Okay, come on.
370
00:15:58,067 --> 00:15:59,567
You better answer it.
371
00:15:59,567 --> 00:16:01,934
And you gotta get rid of him
as fast as you can.
372
00:16:01,934 --> 00:16:03,200
You're not gonna arouse
any suspicion.
373
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:05,767
Otherwise my friend here
is gonna come help me.
374
00:16:05,767 --> 00:16:08,367
All right?
Now answer it and get rid of him.
375
00:16:08,367 --> 00:16:10,067
Hello? Ohh!
376
00:16:10,067 --> 00:16:12,033
Oh, hello, Sybil.
377
00:16:12,033 --> 00:16:15,334
No, no, I don't want
a birthday present.
378
00:16:15,334 --> 00:16:18,300
No, don't waste
your money buyin' perfume,
379
00:16:18,300 --> 00:16:20,834
I smell wonderful.
380
00:16:20,834 --> 00:16:23,000
Just get rid of her, ya hear?
Get rid of her.
381
00:16:23,000 --> 00:16:24,934
Sybil, I gotta go.
382
00:16:24,934 --> 00:16:27,000
No. No, I'm all right.
383
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:28,734
I'm just rushin' around.
384
00:16:28,734 --> 00:16:31,934
I got a lot to do
before the party.
385
00:16:31,934 --> 00:16:33,033
What?
386
00:16:33,033 --> 00:16:34,334
Get rid of her!
387
00:16:34,334 --> 00:16:37,234
But she wants to know
what I got to do.
388
00:16:37,234 --> 00:16:39,033
"Goodbye, Sybil."
389
00:16:39,033 --> 00:16:41,567
G'bye, Sybil.
390
00:16:41,567 --> 00:16:44,033
All right. All right,
that was very good.
391
00:16:44,033 --> 00:16:46,634
That was very good.
You did very well.
392
00:16:55,334 --> 00:16:57,234
- Wait a minute.
- What?
393
00:16:57,234 --> 00:16:59,067
You-you better stop.
394
00:16:59,067 --> 00:17:00,934
Why?
395
00:17:00,934 --> 00:17:03,334
I'm gonna be sick...
396
00:17:03,334 --> 00:17:05,234
all over you.
397
00:17:10,534 --> 00:17:12,167
Practically all the guests
are here, Arch.
398
00:17:12,167 --> 00:17:14,367
Do me a favor,
make the champagne punch, will ya?
399
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,934
- Aw, geez.
- What's the matter, Daddy?
400
00:17:16,934 --> 00:17:18,601
I forgot the punchbowl.
401
00:17:18,601 --> 00:17:20,000
Aw, geez.
402
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:21,667
Don't fall apart,
little girl.
403
00:17:21,667 --> 00:17:23,133
I'll just run next door,
I'll get it.
404
00:17:23,133 --> 00:17:24,834
- I'll bring it back.
- Okay. Hurry, Daddy.
405
00:17:35,868 --> 00:17:37,334
Hey, little girl, uh,
406
00:17:37,334 --> 00:17:39,033
does your fish
every once in a while
407
00:17:39,033 --> 00:17:41,834
come out of the water
and lay on a rock?
408
00:17:42,968 --> 00:17:44,133
No.
409
00:17:44,133 --> 00:17:45,701
Then he's dead.
410
00:17:46,801 --> 00:17:49,033
Mr. Jaws died.
411
00:17:49,033 --> 00:17:51,100
Ohh, that's all right.
412
00:17:51,100 --> 00:17:53,567
- Don't worry, don't cry.
- Oh, no!
413
00:17:53,567 --> 00:17:56,701
After all, he lived
a very luxurier life here in the crystal bowl.
414
00:17:56,701 --> 00:18:00,434
- I'll just dump it all out
in the sink here. - Don't put him in the sink!
415
00:18:00,434 --> 00:18:03,534
He won't clog nothin' up.
He's only this big.
416
00:18:03,534 --> 00:18:05,834
Waaaahhhh!
417
00:18:07,968 --> 00:18:09,834
Come on, lady,
418
00:18:09,834 --> 00:18:12,167
now, you're not
gonna be sick, and you know it.
419
00:18:12,167 --> 00:18:14,868
You're just stallin',
and it ain't gonna do you any good.
420
00:18:14,868 --> 00:18:17,033
Now, this is gonna happen,
no matter what.
421
00:18:17,033 --> 00:18:18,834
Oh, please,
don't do that.
422
00:18:18,834 --> 00:18:21,901
Please go away!
I won't tell nobody you was here!
423
00:18:21,901 --> 00:18:24,133
Lady, I want you
to tell everybody I was here.
424
00:18:24,133 --> 00:18:27,634
We can't do this--
we're strangers!
425
00:18:27,634 --> 00:18:29,868
Yeah, but we ain't
gonna be strangers for long.
426
00:18:29,868 --> 00:18:32,267
Ohh! Ohh,
you're hurtin' 'me!
427
00:18:32,267 --> 00:18:34,234
Look, lady,
I don't want to hurt you.
428
00:18:34,234 --> 00:18:36,234
Just cooperate a little,
okay?
429
00:18:36,234 --> 00:18:37,901
Wait a minute.
430
00:18:37,901 --> 00:18:40,133
I gotta go.
431
00:18:40,133 --> 00:18:42,000
Go where?
432
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,133
Uh, to the bathroom.
433
00:18:44,133 --> 00:18:47,634
Honestly, I do.
It'll only take a minute.
434
00:18:47,634 --> 00:18:49,501
Okay, okay. Go.
435
00:18:55,834 --> 00:18:57,400
Where are you going?
436
00:18:57,400 --> 00:19:01,200
You're going
to the bathroom? I'm going with you.
437
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:02,567
Oh.
438
00:19:02,567 --> 00:19:04,801
I'll wait until tomorrow.
439
00:19:08,868 --> 00:19:11,701
- [SCREAMING]
- Go ahead, scream, lady!
440
00:19:11,701 --> 00:19:15,968
In neighborhoods like this,
nobody answers a scream for over an hour.
441
00:19:15,968 --> 00:19:17,601
Believe me, I know.
442
00:19:17,601 --> 00:19:19,234
What's that for?!
443
00:19:19,234 --> 00:19:21,767
Lady, I'm gonna tie you up.
444
00:19:21,767 --> 00:19:24,767
Now, here we are.
445
00:19:24,767 --> 00:19:26,567
Now...[SNIFFS]...
446
00:19:26,567 --> 00:19:28,667
aah, beautiful. Huh?
447
00:19:28,667 --> 00:19:30,534
Just like a mountain stream
here.
448
00:19:30,534 --> 00:19:32,868
Yeah, with a dead fish
floatin' in it.
449
00:19:32,868 --> 00:19:34,834
- Make the punch.
- Arch, this thing stinks.
450
00:19:34,834 --> 00:19:36,133
Can't you go home
and get your bowl?
451
00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:38,133
Make the punch
in this! I don't want--
452
00:19:38,133 --> 00:19:39,801
[BOWL SHATTERS]
453
00:19:41,167 --> 00:19:43,167
BOTH:
Why did you do that?
454
00:19:43,167 --> 00:19:46,200
BOTH:
You did it. You did it. You did it!!!
455
00:19:47,934 --> 00:19:50,601
Get away from me,
you meathead, you!
456
00:19:50,601 --> 00:19:52,901
Now I gotta go home
and make up some excuse
457
00:19:52,901 --> 00:19:55,968
to get my own punchbowl
outta my own house.
458
00:19:55,968 --> 00:19:57,734
Dope.
459
00:19:57,734 --> 00:19:59,834
[DOG BARKING]
460
00:19:59,834 --> 00:20:03,734
Oh--oh, that's
Barney Heffner's dog.
461
00:20:03,734 --> 00:20:07,000
He only barks at--
at Archie!
462
00:20:07,000 --> 00:20:09,634
Archie's comin' home!
463
00:20:09,634 --> 00:20:10,968
Lady,
I don't believe you.
464
00:20:10,968 --> 00:20:13,968
It's true, he only
barks at Archie!
465
00:20:13,968 --> 00:20:15,868
- [BANGING ON DOOR]
- Archie!
466
00:20:15,868 --> 00:20:18,834
ARCHIE: Hey, Edith!You got the door locked, Edith!
467
00:20:18,834 --> 00:20:20,567
Come on,I gotta get in there!
468
00:20:20,567 --> 00:20:23,067
- [RATTLING DOOR KNOB]
- Tell him you're gonna be there in a minute.
469
00:20:23,067 --> 00:20:25,934
I-I'm gonna be there
in just a minute!
470
00:20:25,934 --> 00:20:27,534
Come on, Edith, hurry up,
471
00:20:27,534 --> 00:20:29,234
I gotta get in the housefor somethin' there.
472
00:20:29,234 --> 00:20:31,167
You see this?
473
00:20:31,167 --> 00:20:33,067
Now, you're gonna
let him in,
474
00:20:33,067 --> 00:20:35,767
and then you're gonna
get rid of him really fast.
475
00:20:35,767 --> 00:20:38,100
Otherwise,
you're both gonna be dead.
476
00:20:38,100 --> 00:20:40,734
- Got that?
- Edith, come on, will you?!
477
00:20:40,734 --> 00:20:43,701
- Come on.
- Edith, I gotta get somethin' in there.
478
00:20:43,701 --> 00:20:45,000
Let's go.
479
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:47,567
Edith, why you gotthis door locked?
480
00:20:47,567 --> 00:20:49,200
I'm gonna be
right in here.
481
00:20:49,200 --> 00:20:50,834
Now,
you get rid of him.
482
00:20:50,834 --> 00:20:53,734
For 25 years I beg youto lock the door,
483
00:20:53,734 --> 00:20:56,167
- and the one time I don't want the door to be locked, - All right. Here, Archie.
484
00:20:56,167 --> 00:20:57,901
you got it locked there.
485
00:20:57,901 --> 00:20:59,033
Why did you do that--
486
00:20:59,033 --> 00:21:00,901
And look at this,
the chain on the door.
487
00:21:00,901 --> 00:21:02,934
Don't be wavin' at me.
Get the chain off the door.
488
00:21:02,934 --> 00:21:04,234
Come on, Edith--
489
00:21:06,934 --> 00:21:08,934
- Archie!
- Thanks a lot.
490
00:21:08,934 --> 00:21:10,868
Why ain't you
baby-sittin' with Joey?
491
00:21:10,868 --> 00:21:12,734
Joey's gonna be okay
for two minutes.
492
00:21:12,734 --> 00:21:15,133
I gotta get somethin'
over here.
493
00:21:15,133 --> 00:21:16,968
Archie! Archie!
494
00:21:16,968 --> 00:21:18,868
There's this punchbowl,
Edith, see,
495
00:21:18,868 --> 00:21:20,534
I'll bring it over there
496
00:21:20,534 --> 00:21:21,901
because they ain't got
nothin' over there to make--
497
00:21:21,901 --> 00:21:24,834
No, I-I mean,
the meathead killed a fish,
498
00:21:24,834 --> 00:21:28,067
and you remember the bowl we
give 'em for their anniversary--
499
00:21:28,067 --> 00:21:32,067
Well, I don't wanna make
a long story out of it, just let me get over there.
500
00:21:32,067 --> 00:21:35,501
Don't cry, it's only a fish,
a little goldfish.
501
00:21:35,501 --> 00:21:37,133
They only cost
a dime each.
502
00:21:37,133 --> 00:21:40,934
- Keep doors closed, Edith.
- Archie! [SCREAMS]
503
00:21:40,934 --> 00:21:43,868
[SOBBING]
504
00:21:43,868 --> 00:21:44,968
Okay.
505
00:21:46,167 --> 00:21:48,634
Okay, that was really good.
506
00:21:48,634 --> 00:21:50,267
You did that really well.
507
00:21:50,267 --> 00:21:51,801
Very good.
508
00:21:51,801 --> 00:21:53,734
No, wait a minute!
509
00:21:53,734 --> 00:21:55,033
What?
510
00:21:55,033 --> 00:21:58,667
Couldn't we do this
without kissin'?
511
00:22:00,767 --> 00:22:02,834
Yeah. Yeah, okay.
512
00:22:02,834 --> 00:22:05,100
But you're gonna
change your mind.
513
00:22:07,267 --> 00:22:10,067
Oh, there's something
burning in the kitchen!
514
00:22:10,067 --> 00:22:11,801
What is it?
515
00:22:11,801 --> 00:22:13,701
It's in the kitchen.
516
00:22:13,701 --> 00:22:15,767
All right, all right.
Come on, come on.
517
00:22:15,767 --> 00:22:18,100
There's something burning
in the ki--
518
00:22:18,100 --> 00:22:21,200
[SCREAMING, SOBBING]
There's a fire!
519
00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:22,834
Fire! Ohh!
520
00:22:22,834 --> 00:22:24,801
- [BOTH COUGHING]
- My cake!
521
00:22:24,801 --> 00:22:26,868
My birthday cake
522
00:22:26,868 --> 00:22:28,667
is burnin'!
523
00:22:28,667 --> 00:22:30,868
Lady, get rid of it.
Get rid of it!
524
00:22:35,934 --> 00:22:37,567
[MAN GRUNTS]
525
00:22:37,567 --> 00:22:38,667
Get outta here!
526
00:22:46,834 --> 00:22:48,767
[SCREAMING]
527
00:22:50,801 --> 00:22:52,868
Listen, now,
I'll tell ya what to do here.
528
00:22:52,868 --> 00:22:54,501
- [ALL TALKING]
- Now, wait a minute.
529
00:22:54,501 --> 00:22:55,834
Now, this is how
everything goes, see?
530
00:22:55,834 --> 00:22:57,300
This is how
everything goes, see?
531
00:22:57,300 --> 00:22:58,701
The lights are on
in the living room.
532
00:22:58,701 --> 00:23:00,100
Yeah, the lights
are on in the living room.
533
00:23:00,100 --> 00:23:01,601
She'll be here
at 6 o'clock.
534
00:23:01,601 --> 00:23:03,400
6 o'clock,
just a couple of min--
535
00:23:05,934 --> 00:23:07,167
Well, then what?
536
00:23:07,167 --> 00:23:09,501
Will ya dummy up
and I'll tell ya, huh, Sybil?
537
00:23:09,501 --> 00:23:11,968
When she comes in,
youse all jump out
538
00:23:11,968 --> 00:23:13,033
and you say,
"Happy Birthday."
539
00:23:13,033 --> 00:23:14,834
No, we've gotta
yell "Surprise!"
540
00:23:14,834 --> 00:23:16,100
That's the one word--
541
00:23:16,100 --> 00:23:18,234
"Surprise"--that will
cause a flood.
542
00:23:18,234 --> 00:23:19,634
Daddy.
543
00:23:19,634 --> 00:23:21,801
I mean the tears,
little girl, that's all.
544
00:23:21,801 --> 00:23:23,801
Any questions from anybody?
Shut up, Sybil.
545
00:23:23,801 --> 00:23:26,868
- He never liked me.
- And I always will.
546
00:23:26,868 --> 00:23:28,133
Now, watch me.
547
00:23:28,133 --> 00:23:30,067
I'll give you a hand signal
when she comes in.
548
00:23:30,067 --> 00:23:31,934
In the meantime, shh-shh-shh.
549
00:23:31,934 --> 00:23:33,868
ALL: Shh! Shh!
550
00:23:35,267 --> 00:23:39,167
- EDITH: Archie! Archie--
- ALL: Surprise! Happy birthday!
551
00:23:39,167 --> 00:23:43,067
- [ALL SING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"]
- Can't you do nothin' right?!
552
00:23:43,067 --> 00:23:46,467
I told you to come in
the front door,
553
00:23:46,467 --> 00:23:47,968
through the livin' room,
554
00:23:47,968 --> 00:23:50,534
everybody's waitin'
to jump out and do this,
555
00:23:50,534 --> 00:23:53,167
and you went
and spoiled everything.
556
00:23:53,167 --> 00:23:55,567
- [SINGING CONTINUES]
- Wait a minute, wait a minute.
557
00:23:55,567 --> 00:23:58,200
You ain't cryin' happy,
Edith.
558
00:23:58,200 --> 00:24:00,434
What's the matter
with ya, huh?
559
00:24:00,434 --> 00:24:01,934
Huh?
560
00:24:10,567 --> 00:24:15,067
[CRYING, CHATTER]
561
00:24:15,067 --> 00:24:17,734
Easy. What happened?
What happened? What?
562
00:24:17,734 --> 00:24:19,167
Chain. I--
563
00:24:19,167 --> 00:24:22,834
Slow down and calm yourself
and tell me what it is.
564
00:24:22,834 --> 00:24:24,667
- A man-- a man!
- Man?
565
00:24:24,667 --> 00:24:27,934
He-- he-- he said
he was looking...
566
00:24:27,934 --> 00:24:32,968
for a man. He-- he was
the man he was looking for.
567
00:24:32,968 --> 00:24:34,834
Hold on, hold on.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
568
00:24:34,834 --> 00:24:37,133
I don't understand.
Here, come over here. Come over here.
569
00:24:37,133 --> 00:24:38,434
Sit down,
sit down, huh?
570
00:24:38,434 --> 00:24:40,067
Now, just--
just take it easy.
571
00:24:40,067 --> 00:24:42,968
So, a--a--a man
come over to the house, lookin' for a man,
572
00:24:42,968 --> 00:24:45,868
and he said he was
the man that he was lookin' for?
573
00:24:45,868 --> 00:24:48,167
- What is that?
- He had a gun.
574
00:24:48,167 --> 00:24:49,501
He had a gun?
575
00:24:49,501 --> 00:24:52,767
[CRIES]
He said he was gonna kill me!
576
00:24:52,767 --> 00:24:54,634
- Did he?
- No.
577
00:24:54,634 --> 00:24:56,834
Well, I know
he didn't, Edith,
578
00:24:56,834 --> 00:24:58,834
but--but I mean,
what did he do?
579
00:24:58,834 --> 00:24:59,934
He--he--
580
00:25:01,834 --> 00:25:03,133
What? What? What?
581
00:25:04,501 --> 00:25:05,534
He...
582
00:25:05,534 --> 00:25:07,367
Come on, Edith,
what did he want?
583
00:25:10,334 --> 00:25:11,601
Me.
584
00:25:13,434 --> 00:25:14,567
You?
585
00:25:14,567 --> 00:25:15,734
He...
586
00:25:15,734 --> 00:25:17,200
Well, what are you
tellin' me, Edith?
587
00:25:17,200 --> 00:25:18,501
That...
588
00:25:18,501 --> 00:25:22,200
The guy...raped you?
589
00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:23,501
No, no!
590
00:25:23,501 --> 00:25:25,467
He tried to.
591
00:25:25,467 --> 00:25:26,968
He tried?
Well--well--well, what happened?
592
00:25:26,968 --> 00:25:28,133
What'd he do?
593
00:25:28,133 --> 00:25:31,634
It was--
it was awful, Archie.
594
00:25:31,634 --> 00:25:32,767
Oh, jeez, Edith.
595
00:25:32,767 --> 00:25:37,067
It was awful!
I thought he was gonna kill me!
596
00:25:37,067 --> 00:25:39,834
Oh, Edith, jeez.
597
00:25:39,834 --> 00:25:41,067
Oh, my God, Edith.
598
00:25:41,067 --> 00:25:42,367
Well, jeez,
maybe you better--
599
00:25:42,367 --> 00:25:44,267
you better lay down here
for a little while, huh?
600
00:25:44,267 --> 00:25:45,267
No.
601
00:25:45,267 --> 00:25:46,300
No...no, no.
602
00:25:46,300 --> 00:25:47,934
The best thing is just
to sit there, yeah.
603
00:25:47,934 --> 00:25:50,100
Um, maybe you oughtta
have somethin' hot to drink, huh?
604
00:25:50,100 --> 00:25:51,367
- No.
- Well, somethin' cold.
605
00:25:51,367 --> 00:25:52,667
No.
606
00:25:52,667 --> 00:25:54,601
No--best thing,
don't drink nothin'. Yeah.
607
00:25:54,601 --> 00:25:55,667
I'll be right back, Edith.
608
00:25:55,667 --> 00:25:56,934
No, where
are you going?
609
00:25:56,934 --> 00:25:58,267
I--I better
phone somebody.
610
00:25:58,267 --> 00:25:59,267
No!
611
00:25:59,267 --> 00:26:00,601
- Gotta phone the ambulance.
- No!
612
00:26:00,601 --> 00:26:01,667
- Or phone the doctor.
- No.
613
00:26:01,667 --> 00:26:02,734
No, no, no.
614
00:26:02,734 --> 00:26:04,400
Best thing is stay off
of the phone.
615
00:26:04,400 --> 00:26:06,100
Yeah.
616
00:26:06,100 --> 00:26:08,634
Well, jeez, Edith,
well--well, we gotta do somethin', Edith.
617
00:26:08,634 --> 00:26:10,501
I mean, if I don't
phone nobody important,
618
00:26:10,501 --> 00:26:12,000
and we don't drink
nothin' tasty,
619
00:26:12,000 --> 00:26:14,000
what the hell
are we gonna do?
620
00:26:14,000 --> 00:26:15,167
Hold me!
621
00:26:15,167 --> 00:26:17,133
That's the best thing.
I can do that.
622
00:26:17,133 --> 00:26:18,834
Yes, Edith,
I can do that.
623
00:26:18,834 --> 00:26:20,734
Aw, jeez--
oh, Edith--
624
00:26:20,734 --> 00:26:23,033
how did you get away
from the lousy bum?
625
00:26:23,033 --> 00:26:24,467
Cake.
626
00:26:24,467 --> 00:26:29,100
I--I--I hit him with
the cake I was baking.
627
00:26:29,100 --> 00:26:32,434
Oh, thank God you had
somethin' heavy around.
628
00:26:35,767 --> 00:26:37,701
Well, wait a minute,
wait a minute.
629
00:26:37,701 --> 00:26:39,434
He musta been over there
630
00:26:39,434 --> 00:26:41,300
when I come lookin'
for the punch bowl.
631
00:26:41,300 --> 00:26:43,501
He was in the closet.
632
00:26:43,501 --> 00:26:45,701
But why didn't
you say somethin'?
633
00:26:45,701 --> 00:26:49,501
He--he said he would
do something to you.
634
00:26:49,501 --> 00:26:50,601
Do somethin' to me?
635
00:26:50,601 --> 00:26:53,100
What the hell was he?
A fruit too?
636
00:26:55,734 --> 00:26:57,767
Ma, aren't you comin'
downstairs to your party?
637
00:26:57,767 --> 00:27:00,901
- No, no, she can't come down.
- We can't eat the cake until you open the presents.
638
00:27:00,901 --> 00:27:02,367
- Oh, jeez.
- What's the matter, Mom?
639
00:27:02,367 --> 00:27:03,834
Uh--listen, listen,
little girl...
640
00:27:03,834 --> 00:27:08,067
uh...somethin' bad
has befell the family.
641
00:27:09,133 --> 00:27:10,801
Did a relative die?
642
00:27:10,801 --> 00:27:13,234
No, I said somethin' bad.
643
00:27:15,934 --> 00:27:18,300
I don't know how
to tell you this, little girl, see...
644
00:27:21,968 --> 00:27:24,400
You're not
my real father.
645
00:27:24,400 --> 00:27:25,534
No!
646
00:27:25,534 --> 00:27:26,734
No?
647
00:27:26,734 --> 00:27:29,234
I mean yes!
648
00:27:29,234 --> 00:27:30,934
Look at
the fat cheeks on ya!
649
00:27:30,934 --> 00:27:33,434
Where the hell do you
think you got them, from Fred Astaire?
650
00:27:35,167 --> 00:27:37,167
Edith,
tell your daughter what happened.
651
00:27:37,167 --> 00:27:38,367
I can't.
652
00:27:38,367 --> 00:27:39,701
Well, you gotta
tell her, Edith!
653
00:27:39,701 --> 00:27:40,968
Well then,
you tell me, Daddy.
654
00:27:40,968 --> 00:27:42,367
All right, all right.
A--a--a--
655
00:27:42,367 --> 00:27:45,100
A guy come over
to our house about an hour ago--
656
00:27:45,100 --> 00:27:46,868
Oh, no, no,
not an hour.
657
00:27:46,868 --> 00:27:49,334
No, not an hour ago.
He busted down the front door--
658
00:27:49,334 --> 00:27:50,767
No,
I let him in.
659
00:27:50,767 --> 00:27:51,868
She let him in.
660
00:27:51,868 --> 00:27:53,300
He was an
awful-lookin' guy, see?
661
00:27:53,300 --> 00:27:55,634
- No, very good-looking.
- All right, Edith--
662
00:27:55,634 --> 00:27:57,133
What happened?
663
00:27:57,133 --> 00:27:58,901
Don't holler at me.
I'll tell ya.
664
00:27:58,901 --> 00:28:01,267
He come into the house,
and he tried to...
665
00:28:01,267 --> 00:28:03,934
[WHISPERS]
rape...your mother.
666
00:28:03,934 --> 00:28:05,601
He tried to rape her?!
667
00:28:07,234 --> 00:28:09,033
Don't say bad things
in words!
668
00:28:09,033 --> 00:28:10,834
I'm callin'
the police.
669
00:28:10,834 --> 00:28:12,968
- No, don't do that.
Put that telephone down. - No, Mike, no.
670
00:28:12,968 --> 00:28:14,634
- Why?
- Daddy, we have to call the police.
671
00:28:14,634 --> 00:28:15,901
- No, no, no.
- No!
672
00:28:15,901 --> 00:28:18,567
Mom, remember when
it happened to me three years ago?
673
00:28:18,567 --> 00:28:19,968
That's the first thing
we did.
674
00:28:19,968 --> 00:28:21,634
And what's the first thing
the cop told you
675
00:28:21,634 --> 00:28:23,300
when he come over
to the house?
676
00:28:23,300 --> 00:28:25,701
He said if it
ever got into court, they'd ask you questions.
677
00:28:25,701 --> 00:28:27,367
They'd turn around
and make it look like
678
00:28:27,367 --> 00:28:28,634
you were askin' for it
there.
679
00:28:28,634 --> 00:28:30,167
That's why we dropped
the whole thing.
680
00:28:30,167 --> 00:28:32,167
Don't you remember that, huh?
And what do you wanna do?
681
00:28:32,167 --> 00:28:34,801
Put your mother and me
through the same kind of shame there?
682
00:28:34,801 --> 00:28:37,467
"Besmooch" the family name
in the eyes of the community?
683
00:28:37,467 --> 00:28:40,067
Yeah, they might
drop your name from the social register.
684
00:28:40,067 --> 00:28:41,100
Aahhh!
685
00:28:41,100 --> 00:28:42,434
Arch,
all you're worried about
686
00:28:42,434 --> 00:28:44,033
is that when you
walk down the street,
687
00:28:44,033 --> 00:28:46,000
people are gonna say,
"There goes Archie Bunker.
688
00:28:46,000 --> 00:28:47,501
You know,
his wife was raped!"
689
00:28:47,501 --> 00:28:49,934
Don't holler
the word "rape"!
690
00:28:49,934 --> 00:28:51,868
It ain't that at all.
691
00:28:51,868 --> 00:28:53,801
And besides,
she wasn't...that.
692
00:28:53,801 --> 00:28:55,767
All right,
but Ma was attacked!
693
00:28:55,767 --> 00:28:56,801
We gotta do somethin'!
694
00:28:56,801 --> 00:28:58,033
I wanna
call the police!
695
00:28:58,033 --> 00:28:59,434
No, no, no!
696
00:28:59,434 --> 00:29:01,133
But Ma, we have
to do something.
697
00:29:01,133 --> 00:29:03,234
Yeah, we're going
to do something. I know what to do.
698
00:29:03,234 --> 00:29:04,534
I'm gonna take
your mother home.
699
00:29:04,534 --> 00:29:05,801
No, no!
He might still be there!
700
00:29:05,801 --> 00:29:07,434
Oh, no, no.
701
00:29:07,434 --> 00:29:08,767
Do you think he would be?
702
00:29:09,834 --> 00:29:10,901
Look, Arch,
703
00:29:10,901 --> 00:29:12,300
to make Ma
feel at ease,
704
00:29:12,300 --> 00:29:14,200
I think
the house should be checked out first.
705
00:29:14,200 --> 00:29:16,133
That's a good idea.
Well, go over and do that, huh?
706
00:29:16,133 --> 00:29:17,868
Why don't you do it?
707
00:29:19,067 --> 00:29:20,567
Because
at a time like this,
708
00:29:20,567 --> 00:29:22,601
a man's place
is beside his wife.
709
00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:31,901
Aw, jeez,
ain't this pitiful?
710
00:29:31,901 --> 00:29:33,801
Would you please
both go over there and check?
711
00:29:33,801 --> 00:29:36,033
- Aw, come on.
- I don't know what kind of a guy this is.
712
00:29:36,033 --> 00:29:37,033
Who knows.
713
00:29:37,033 --> 00:29:39,501
EDITH:
He's got a gun!
714
00:29:42,567 --> 00:29:45,067
This is why every citizen
should have a loaded gun
715
00:29:45,067 --> 00:29:47,000
in his house, you
big-mouthed liberal, you!
716
00:29:47,000 --> 00:29:48,567
How many times
have I told ya?
717
00:29:48,567 --> 00:29:50,501
I don't believe
in violence!
718
00:29:50,501 --> 00:29:51,534
Aw...
719
00:29:54,467 --> 00:29:56,300
And what are you
gonna do with this here?
720
00:29:56,300 --> 00:29:58,100
Bunt him
off the premises?
721
00:29:59,400 --> 00:30:01,667
Michael, don't do
anything foolish.
722
00:30:01,667 --> 00:30:03,133
Call the police.
723
00:30:11,133 --> 00:30:13,267
Shh!
724
00:30:24,234 --> 00:30:25,834
[DOOR THUMPS LOUDLY]
725
00:30:34,667 --> 00:30:36,601
All right,
go ahead.
726
00:30:38,300 --> 00:30:40,534
You go ahead.
727
00:30:40,534 --> 00:30:43,601
How 'bout we both
go ahead together?
728
00:30:47,000 --> 00:30:49,234
Let me...in the door!
729
00:30:50,601 --> 00:30:51,634
[DOOR SLAMS]
730
00:30:58,968 --> 00:31:00,534
Look in there.
731
00:31:02,901 --> 00:31:04,367
[WHISPERS]
Gimme this.
732
00:31:04,367 --> 00:31:06,834
Open the door.
733
00:31:06,834 --> 00:31:08,934
I'll stand by
with this bat.
734
00:31:15,868 --> 00:31:16,868
[KNOCKS]
735
00:31:16,868 --> 00:31:18,534
Oh...
736
00:31:21,701 --> 00:31:23,067
There's nobody
in there, Arch.
737
00:31:25,067 --> 00:31:29,267
The hell did you
expect him to say? Entre vous?
738
00:31:29,267 --> 00:31:31,601
Open the door.
739
00:31:35,200 --> 00:31:36,601
- Ow!
- Ouch!
740
00:31:43,067 --> 00:31:44,434
Ah.
741
00:31:44,434 --> 00:31:45,467
Ah.
742
00:31:45,467 --> 00:31:47,100
What happened?
743
00:31:47,100 --> 00:31:50,067
What happened?
This happened.
744
00:31:50,067 --> 00:31:51,634
- Oh!
- Ow!
745
00:31:52,701 --> 00:31:54,801
[GRUNTS]
Oh, that's awful!
746
00:31:54,801 --> 00:31:56,901
Oh, oh!
Jeez.
747
00:31:56,901 --> 00:31:59,133
There's nobody
in the closet, Arch.
748
00:31:59,133 --> 00:32:00,968
Hey, wait a second.
749
00:32:00,968 --> 00:32:05,000
- What's this?
- Can't you watch what the hell you're doin'?
750
00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:06,000
Oh.
751
00:32:06,000 --> 00:32:07,234
What's the matter
with you?
752
00:32:07,234 --> 00:32:10,501
Look, he musta
left his clothes here.
753
00:32:10,501 --> 00:32:14,300
Don't put your fingerprints
all over the evidence there.
754
00:32:14,300 --> 00:32:15,300
Gimme that.
755
00:32:15,300 --> 00:32:17,234
Never handle evidence!
756
00:32:19,367 --> 00:32:21,634
Well, he ain't
in the room here.
757
00:32:21,634 --> 00:32:23,300
We can see that.
758
00:32:23,300 --> 00:32:27,868
So, the next thing--
come on, take the bat.
759
00:32:27,868 --> 00:32:29,133
Now...
760
00:32:34,701 --> 00:32:36,133
Look in the kitchen.
761
00:32:37,701 --> 00:32:39,567
What are
you gonna do?
762
00:32:41,567 --> 00:32:43,000
I'll stand
by the phone.
763
00:32:44,367 --> 00:32:45,934
Why?
764
00:32:45,934 --> 00:32:48,300
In case there's a call.
765
00:32:51,767 --> 00:32:53,334
Can't I stand
by the phone?
766
00:32:53,334 --> 00:32:55,367
If a call
comes to this house,
767
00:32:55,367 --> 00:32:58,567
that call is for me,
it ain't for you.
768
00:32:58,567 --> 00:33:01,434
Get it, dumbbell?
769
00:33:01,434 --> 00:33:02,868
Go on.
770
00:33:07,367 --> 00:33:09,734
I could always answer,
and then call you to the phone--
771
00:33:09,734 --> 00:33:11,200
Go on!
772
00:33:15,968 --> 00:33:18,200
[YELLS]
I'm entering the kitchen!
773
00:33:18,200 --> 00:33:21,367
Ow!
[CLATTERS]
774
00:33:23,667 --> 00:33:25,067
Are you
all right in there?
775
00:33:25,067 --> 00:33:26,067
Yeah!
776
00:33:26,067 --> 00:33:27,701
I just slipped
on some cake!
777
00:33:27,701 --> 00:33:29,467
Oh...
778
00:33:29,467 --> 00:33:31,968
The cake
tastes burnt!
779
00:33:34,033 --> 00:33:35,767
Arch, there's
nobody in there.
780
00:33:35,767 --> 00:33:37,100
Hey, what are you
doin' over here?
781
00:33:37,100 --> 00:33:38,767
Were you tryin' to sneak
out of this house?
782
00:33:38,767 --> 00:33:40,067
No, I certainly
was not!
783
00:33:40,067 --> 00:33:41,067
I just thought I better
784
00:33:41,067 --> 00:33:42,300
search the porch
a little more.
785
00:33:42,300 --> 00:33:43,434
[DOORBELL RINGS]
786
00:33:43,434 --> 00:33:44,868
Ow, my foot!
For the--
787
00:33:44,868 --> 00:33:47,200
Ow! Jeez!
Sorry, Arch--
788
00:33:47,200 --> 00:33:48,934
Will you
get away from me?
789
00:33:48,934 --> 00:33:50,334
You're gonna
kill me yet!
790
00:33:50,334 --> 00:33:52,634
Aah! Jeez!
791
00:33:52,634 --> 00:33:53,667
Aah!
792
00:33:53,667 --> 00:33:54,701
No, no, no!
793
00:33:54,701 --> 00:33:56,167
He's not there.
We checked the place.
794
00:33:56,167 --> 00:33:57,133
Oh, no, oh, no!
795
00:33:59,234 --> 00:34:00,901
Wait a second.
You got the wrong guy.
796
00:34:00,901 --> 00:34:02,400
That's the wrong guy!
797
00:34:02,400 --> 00:34:04,434
We got a call from
a Mrs. Gloria Stivic.
798
00:34:04,434 --> 00:34:06,033
Well, that's me,
but that's my father.
799
00:34:06,033 --> 00:34:07,567
That's my daughter!
800
00:34:07,567 --> 00:34:10,033
That's my wife,
and that's my mother-in-law.
801
00:34:10,033 --> 00:34:11,534
You got the wrong guy!
802
00:34:11,534 --> 00:34:13,567
The guy we're tryin'
to find is good-lookin'.
803
00:34:13,567 --> 00:34:14,834
Aw, shut up!
804
00:34:16,501 --> 00:34:19,868
Gloria, would you help
me make some coffee?
805
00:34:19,868 --> 00:34:23,167
But, Ma, I think you
should tell the police what the man looked like.
806
00:34:23,167 --> 00:34:25,567
I wanna forget
what he looks like.
807
00:34:25,567 --> 00:34:27,267
Yeah, we oughtta
forget the whole thing.
808
00:34:27,267 --> 00:34:29,701
I mean, it's a false alarm
here, officers.
809
00:34:29,701 --> 00:34:31,934
I mean, as you can see,
everything here is just,
810
00:34:31,934 --> 00:34:34,767
uh, you know,
peaches and beans.
811
00:34:34,767 --> 00:34:36,234
Wait a second!
812
00:34:36,234 --> 00:34:37,934
There was a crime
committed here.
813
00:34:37,934 --> 00:34:39,167
Will you stop
worrying about
814
00:34:39,167 --> 00:34:40,434
what people
will think?
815
00:34:40,434 --> 00:34:42,067
I ain't worryin'
about that.
816
00:34:42,067 --> 00:34:44,934
What I'm worried is
it could come up before a judge in some court,
817
00:34:44,934 --> 00:34:47,234
and one of them guys will
turn the whole thing around
818
00:34:47,234 --> 00:34:48,968
and make believe
it's the woman's fault!
819
00:34:48,968 --> 00:34:50,467
What do you say to that,
officers?
820
00:34:50,467 --> 00:34:52,334
We just lock 'em up.
We don't try 'em.
821
00:34:52,334 --> 00:34:53,934
Oh, well now,
there you go, Meathead.
822
00:34:53,934 --> 00:34:54,934
Case closed.
823
00:34:54,934 --> 00:34:56,067
- Let's go.
- Yeah.
824
00:34:56,067 --> 00:34:57,567
No, no,
wait a second, wait a second.
825
00:34:57,567 --> 00:34:58,567
Case isn't closed!
826
00:34:58,567 --> 00:34:59,567
Move.
Move it, move it.
827
00:34:59,567 --> 00:35:00,601
What are you
doin' now?
828
00:35:00,601 --> 00:35:02,033
Move it.
829
00:35:02,033 --> 00:35:04,033
Here, look.
He left his clothes.
830
00:35:04,033 --> 00:35:05,367
Well,
we'll take 'em along.
831
00:35:05,367 --> 00:35:06,367
Maybe we can use 'em.
832
00:35:06,367 --> 00:35:07,400
About an hour ago,
833
00:35:07,400 --> 00:35:08,801
we picked up
a suspicious character
834
00:35:08,801 --> 00:35:10,234
running down the street
in his T-shirt.
835
00:35:10,234 --> 00:35:11,300
Maybe they
belong to him.
836
00:35:11,300 --> 00:35:12,868
Where's the lady
that got attacked?
837
00:35:12,868 --> 00:35:15,534
We'd like her to come
along with us and take a look at the guy.
838
00:35:15,534 --> 00:35:16,868
Maybe she can
identify him.
839
00:35:16,868 --> 00:35:19,300
Yeah, yeah,
hold on a second. Ma?
840
00:35:19,300 --> 00:35:21,100
Ma!
841
00:35:21,100 --> 00:35:23,000
The police want you
to go down to the station
842
00:35:23,000 --> 00:35:24,934
and see if you can
identify this guy they picked up.
843
00:35:24,934 --> 00:35:26,701
Oh, no, no,
I can't do that.
844
00:35:26,701 --> 00:35:27,734
No, I'm sorry.
845
00:35:27,734 --> 00:35:28,934
But Ma, please.
You've got to.
846
00:35:28,934 --> 00:35:31,400
No, I don't
wanna look at that man again.
847
00:35:31,400 --> 00:35:33,167
Ma, he can't
hurt you anymore.
848
00:35:33,167 --> 00:35:35,601
Can you identify
these clothes, ma'am?
849
00:35:35,601 --> 00:35:37,267
[GASPS]
No! No, I can't!
850
00:35:37,267 --> 00:35:38,567
No! He'll kill me!
851
00:35:38,567 --> 00:35:40,133
He'll kill me!
He'll kill me!
852
00:35:40,133 --> 00:35:42,701
He'll kill me!
He'll kill me!
853
00:35:50,634 --> 00:35:53,667
Ma, those are
no-iron sheets.
854
00:35:53,667 --> 00:35:55,534
Hmm? No, they've
got wrinkles.
855
00:35:55,534 --> 00:35:57,434
[POUNDING AT DOOR]
856
00:35:57,434 --> 00:35:59,567
- Ah!
- Ma, it's all right.
857
00:35:59,567 --> 00:36:02,133
- [ARCHIE SHOUTING ]
- Just a minute.
858
00:36:02,133 --> 00:36:04,501
[MUFFLED]
Hurry up!
859
00:36:04,501 --> 00:36:06,334
Just a minute!
860
00:36:06,334 --> 00:36:09,400
I'm standin' out here
with the groceries in my hands!
861
00:36:09,400 --> 00:36:10,534
Hi, Daddy.
862
00:36:10,534 --> 00:36:12,434
Oh, good,
you remembered the eggs.
863
00:36:12,434 --> 00:36:13,701
Take them!
864
00:36:18,100 --> 00:36:21,701
Pick them up,
scramble 'em, and freeze them.
865
00:36:21,701 --> 00:36:23,834
- Okay, Daddy.
- I ain't goin' back no more.
866
00:36:23,834 --> 00:36:26,234
I ain't never gonna go
to that supermarket again, there.
867
00:36:26,234 --> 00:36:27,734
I hate it.
868
00:36:27,734 --> 00:36:28,834
Jeez,
two weeks I'm doin'
869
00:36:28,834 --> 00:36:30,367
all the shoppin'
in this house,
870
00:36:30,367 --> 00:36:32,901
'cause your mother's scared
to go outside of the place.
871
00:36:32,901 --> 00:36:35,367
If I ever get my hands
on that "raperer,"
872
00:36:35,367 --> 00:36:38,567
I'm gonna turn him
into a "unique."
873
00:36:41,033 --> 00:36:43,100
Well, you blew
your chance, Daddy,
874
00:36:43,100 --> 00:36:45,400
'cause with no one
around to identify him,
875
00:36:45,400 --> 00:36:47,067
the police had
to let him go.
876
00:36:47,067 --> 00:36:48,734
But you'll just
go get him, huh?
877
00:36:48,734 --> 00:36:50,501
Death is too good
for them guys.
878
00:36:50,501 --> 00:36:53,200
They ought to sentence them
to 30 years in the supermarket.
879
00:36:54,601 --> 00:36:57,300
Daddy, don't pound like that
on the front door anymore.
880
00:36:57,300 --> 00:37:01,000
When you do it scares Ma
and she runs upstairs to hide.
881
00:37:01,000 --> 00:37:03,934
Jeez, she's getting
loonier every day.
882
00:37:03,934 --> 00:37:07,534
Washing and ironing
the same things over and over.
883
00:37:07,534 --> 00:37:09,367
You know at night
she sleeps
884
00:37:09,367 --> 00:37:11,300
with the lights on
up there?
885
00:37:11,300 --> 00:37:13,868
I gotta hide myself
under the covers.
886
00:37:13,868 --> 00:37:16,033
That ain't good
for you, you know?
887
00:37:16,033 --> 00:37:19,701
You ain't supposed
to breathe the same air that your toes is in.
888
00:37:21,634 --> 00:37:23,901
Well, Daddy,
you just better get used to all this,
889
00:37:23,901 --> 00:37:26,100
'cause it might go on
with Ma for a long time.
890
00:37:26,100 --> 00:37:27,467
Oh, don't give me
no bad news.
891
00:37:27,467 --> 00:37:28,834
Why should it,
anyway?
892
00:37:28,834 --> 00:37:30,133
This thing
happened to you
893
00:37:30,133 --> 00:37:31,934
a couple of years ago,
there.
894
00:37:31,934 --> 00:37:34,200
Didn't take you forever
to get over it.
895
00:37:34,200 --> 00:37:36,067
How do you know?
896
00:37:36,067 --> 00:37:37,501
Ever since it happened,
897
00:37:37,501 --> 00:37:40,234
I haven't been able
to walk down 47th Avenue.
898
00:37:40,234 --> 00:37:41,834
And I'll tell you
somethin' else--
899
00:37:41,834 --> 00:37:43,601
Michael was wonderful
through all of it.
900
00:37:43,601 --> 00:37:45,267
He helped me
through the worst part.
901
00:37:45,267 --> 00:37:47,067
He wasn't like you.
You're so impatient.
902
00:37:47,067 --> 00:37:48,300
- Oh, jeez.
- Yes!
903
00:37:48,300 --> 00:37:51,734
He went out of his way
to be sweet and kind and gentle.
904
00:37:51,734 --> 00:37:54,000
Well, he'd have to go
out of his way
905
00:37:54,000 --> 00:37:56,067
to be sweet and gentle.
906
00:37:56,067 --> 00:37:57,634
Comes natural to me.
907
00:38:00,033 --> 00:38:02,300
I'll smack that look
off your face!
908
00:38:02,300 --> 00:38:04,501
Oh, it's you, Archie!
909
00:38:04,501 --> 00:38:06,334
All right,
all right!
910
00:38:06,334 --> 00:38:08,033
[GLORIA WHISPERS]
911
00:38:08,033 --> 00:38:11,133
Hi. Hiya there,
Edith, darlin'.
912
00:38:11,133 --> 00:38:12,701
It's nice to see ya down.
913
00:38:12,701 --> 00:38:16,701
Aw, gee, you're starchin'
that same sheet again.
914
00:38:16,701 --> 00:38:18,534
Yeah.
915
00:38:18,534 --> 00:38:20,367
It ain't smooth.
916
00:38:20,367 --> 00:38:22,000
Oh, It ain't smooth.
917
00:38:28,100 --> 00:38:31,234
Edith, uh, Could I ask you
one little question, huh?
918
00:38:31,234 --> 00:38:32,767
Yeah, sure.
919
00:38:32,767 --> 00:38:35,067
Well, don't keep on ironin'
when I'm askin' ya, huh?
920
00:38:35,067 --> 00:38:36,734
Edith, all I want
to know is,
921
00:38:36,734 --> 00:38:38,868
what happened
to the good old days?
922
00:38:38,868 --> 00:38:39,968
Don't you remember,
Edith?
923
00:38:39,968 --> 00:38:41,033
I'd come home from work,
924
00:38:41,033 --> 00:38:42,734
I'd yell,
"Edith! I'm home!"
925
00:38:42,734 --> 00:38:44,767
And you'd come
leapin' out there to the door.
926
00:38:44,767 --> 00:38:47,133
"Oh, hello, Archie.
Did you have a nice day?"
927
00:38:47,133 --> 00:38:48,934
And I'd say,
"Lousy. Get me a beer."
928
00:38:48,934 --> 00:38:50,300
And you'd do that,
and we'd sit down,
929
00:38:50,300 --> 00:38:52,467
and you'd tell me
some long, dopey story,
930
00:38:52,467 --> 00:38:55,434
like about your Aunt Zuni
with the one eye, huh?
931
00:38:58,267 --> 00:39:01,434
I mean, why can't we
get back to them beautiful days?
932
00:39:01,434 --> 00:39:03,467
Why'd ya spoil all of that?
933
00:39:04,601 --> 00:39:07,167
I'm sorry, Archie,
I'm sorry.
934
00:39:07,167 --> 00:39:08,801
Edith, I'm so--
I didn't mean--
935
00:39:08,801 --> 00:39:11,434
Aw, jeez, look at that!
936
00:39:11,434 --> 00:39:13,567
Another load
of sweetness wasted there,
937
00:39:13,567 --> 00:39:15,634
and I've only got
so much sweetness in me!
938
00:39:17,567 --> 00:39:19,601
Daddy, I have to have
a talk with you.
939
00:39:19,601 --> 00:39:21,100
What about?
940
00:39:21,100 --> 00:39:24,200
You see, I know what
Ma is going through.
941
00:39:24,200 --> 00:39:27,133
Right now,
she is full of fear
942
00:39:27,133 --> 00:39:29,467
and anger and guilt.
943
00:39:29,467 --> 00:39:31,334
She is afraid
of everything.
944
00:39:31,334 --> 00:39:33,701
She doesn't even feel
safe in her own house.
945
00:39:33,701 --> 00:39:35,067
What am I supposed to do?
946
00:39:35,067 --> 00:39:36,767
Close up the joint
for the winter,
947
00:39:36,767 --> 00:39:39,601
we all take a cruise
down to the Virgin's Island?
948
00:39:39,601 --> 00:39:41,934
Don't hit your father
on his head!
949
00:39:41,934 --> 00:39:43,868
I know you think
you were being
950
00:39:43,868 --> 00:39:45,501
real nice to her
over there, Daddy,
951
00:39:45,501 --> 00:39:47,067
but what you said,
it didn't help.
952
00:39:47,067 --> 00:39:49,067
You should've
heard me last night.
953
00:39:49,067 --> 00:39:51,400
I was upstairs with
her there, talking to her.
954
00:39:51,400 --> 00:39:55,434
I tried the best way I know
to talk about her nervousness.
955
00:39:55,434 --> 00:39:57,200
What'd you say?
956
00:39:57,200 --> 00:40:00,434
I said, "Stop this!"
957
00:40:00,434 --> 00:40:01,701
That's no good!
958
00:40:01,701 --> 00:40:04,434
Don't pull hairs
out of your father's body!
959
00:40:05,901 --> 00:40:08,767
Daddy, ya gotta be
more patient with Ma,
960
00:40:08,767 --> 00:40:10,467
and loving!
961
00:40:10,467 --> 00:40:11,734
See, right now,
962
00:40:11,734 --> 00:40:14,167
what Ma needs
is a lot of TLC.
963
00:40:14,167 --> 00:40:15,501
Are you kiddin'?
964
00:40:15,501 --> 00:40:18,601
No doctor in the world
would give her a shot of that!
965
00:40:18,601 --> 00:40:20,501
TLC!
966
00:40:20,501 --> 00:40:23,534
Why, the woman
gets high on an aspirin!
967
00:40:23,534 --> 00:40:25,100
Jeez!
968
00:40:25,100 --> 00:40:30,133
Daddy, "TLC" means
"tender loving care."
969
00:40:30,133 --> 00:40:32,767
Don't hit the knee
that got hit with the trolley.
970
00:40:34,334 --> 00:40:35,400
Come on, Daddy.
971
00:40:35,400 --> 00:40:36,467
What are ya doin'?
972
00:40:36,467 --> 00:40:37,534
I want you to go upstairs
973
00:40:37,534 --> 00:40:38,634
and be affectionate
with Ma!
974
00:40:38,634 --> 00:40:41,501
- I can't do that!
- Yes, you can!
975
00:40:41,501 --> 00:40:44,133
I want you
to hold her hand,
976
00:40:44,133 --> 00:40:46,267
put your
arm around her,
977
00:40:46,267 --> 00:40:48,400
give her a kiss.
978
00:40:48,400 --> 00:40:49,400
Now, do that!
979
00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:54,601
But if I do that
after what happened here,
980
00:40:54,601 --> 00:40:57,300
she'll think
I'm tryin' to attack her.
981
00:40:57,300 --> 00:40:59,467
No, no, no,
you're wrong, see?
982
00:40:59,467 --> 00:41:03,067
What happened to Ma
had nothin' to do with sex.
983
00:41:03,067 --> 00:41:05,634
It was an act of violence.
984
00:41:05,634 --> 00:41:07,467
And if you're not attentive,
985
00:41:07,467 --> 00:41:10,901
she's gonna think
something's wrong with her.
986
00:41:10,901 --> 00:41:12,534
So go on up there,
Daddy.
987
00:41:12,534 --> 00:41:14,467
I know she's thinkin'
that right now.
988
00:41:14,467 --> 00:41:17,200
Be affectionate to her.
Come on.
989
00:41:17,200 --> 00:41:19,501
And I'll get
your dinner started.
990
00:41:19,501 --> 00:41:22,868
Yeah, but Gloria, I--
I can't do it.
991
00:41:22,868 --> 00:41:24,834
Get up there!
992
00:41:38,167 --> 00:41:39,934
What are ya doin',
Edith?
993
00:41:39,934 --> 00:41:41,434
I'm makin' the bed.
994
00:41:41,434 --> 00:41:43,667
Oh. Oh, yeah.
995
00:41:43,667 --> 00:41:45,167
That's that same bed
996
00:41:45,167 --> 00:41:47,400
you made up
this mornin', huh?
997
00:41:47,400 --> 00:41:51,100
Yeah, but there was
lumps under the blanket.
998
00:41:51,100 --> 00:41:52,033
Ah.
999
00:41:57,000 --> 00:41:58,501
Well, ya--
1000
00:41:58,501 --> 00:42:00,934
ya gotta get the lumps
out there, Edith.
1001
00:42:00,934 --> 00:42:03,601
Listen, I don't wanna take
too much of your time there,
1002
00:42:03,601 --> 00:42:04,701
but where the hell are ya?
1003
00:42:04,701 --> 00:42:06,100
Edith, look here.
1004
00:42:06,100 --> 00:42:07,234
Come here, come here.
1005
00:42:07,234 --> 00:42:09,534
Sit down just a minute
here, Edith, huh?
1006
00:42:09,534 --> 00:42:10,601
Just a minute.
1007
00:42:10,601 --> 00:42:12,067
- [TELEPHONE RINGS]
- I just wanna--
1008
00:42:12,067 --> 00:42:14,133
Never mind that. That's
just the telephone downstairs.
1009
00:42:14,133 --> 00:42:15,234
Gloria'll get it.
1010
00:42:15,234 --> 00:42:16,934
Lemme just try
somethin' here.
1011
00:42:16,934 --> 00:42:18,234
What are ya gonna do?
1012
00:42:18,234 --> 00:42:20,133
Edith...
1013
00:42:20,133 --> 00:42:24,000
I'm just gonna do
this here with my arm
1014
00:42:24,000 --> 00:42:26,334
and this here
with my kisser.
1015
00:42:34,000 --> 00:42:35,634
Now, wasn't that nice?
1016
00:42:36,767 --> 00:42:39,400
Do you still love me?
1017
00:42:39,400 --> 00:42:42,667
Do I still love ya?
What are ya talkin' about?
1018
00:42:42,667 --> 00:42:44,467
Why you think I'm tryin'
all this here--
1019
00:42:44,467 --> 00:42:46,334
whaddya call it?--
LTD on ya.
1020
00:42:51,667 --> 00:42:53,834
What's that?
1021
00:42:53,834 --> 00:42:58,234
That's, uh, love
and... until daylight or something.
1022
00:42:58,234 --> 00:43:01,634
I don't know. I'm doing
the best I can.
1023
00:43:01,634 --> 00:43:04,300
Let me try again, huh?
1024
00:43:04,300 --> 00:43:05,534
[QUAVERS]
1025
00:43:05,534 --> 00:43:07,667
What did I do?
1026
00:43:07,667 --> 00:43:09,434
I'm still scared.
1027
00:43:09,434 --> 00:43:12,167
Oh, please,
don't be scared no more, Edith.
1028
00:43:12,167 --> 00:43:15,834
I can't forget that man.
1029
00:43:15,834 --> 00:43:17,234
Ma!
1030
00:43:17,234 --> 00:43:19,567
Learn to knock,
learn to knock, learn to knock!
1031
00:43:19,567 --> 00:43:21,901
Daddy, why don't you
go downstairs, huh?
1032
00:43:21,901 --> 00:43:23,234
What, are ya haulin' me
outta here?
1033
00:43:23,234 --> 00:43:24,400
You sent me up here,
didn't ya?
1034
00:43:24,400 --> 00:43:26,334
Michael wants
to tell you something.
1035
00:43:26,334 --> 00:43:27,901
- [GLORIA WHISPERS]
- Huh?
1036
00:43:27,901 --> 00:43:29,601
I want to be alone...
1037
00:43:29,601 --> 00:43:31,267
...to talk with
your mother. All right.
1038
00:43:38,868 --> 00:43:40,901
Ma?
1039
00:43:40,901 --> 00:43:43,834
The police just picked up
that same guy again.
1040
00:43:43,834 --> 00:43:47,534
He attacked another woman
right over in Woodside.
1041
00:43:47,534 --> 00:43:50,767
They want ya to come
down to the station to identify him.
1042
00:43:50,767 --> 00:43:53,367
No! Can't that
other woman do it?
1043
00:43:53,367 --> 00:43:55,467
Well, she can,
but she won't.
1044
00:43:55,467 --> 00:43:56,667
Why not?
1045
00:43:56,667 --> 00:43:58,300
Because she's afraid.
1046
00:43:59,434 --> 00:44:01,701
I am too, Gloria.
1047
00:44:01,701 --> 00:44:03,267
Ma, look at ya!
1048
00:44:03,267 --> 00:44:06,200
You haven't been
out of this house in two weeks.
1049
00:44:06,200 --> 00:44:07,667
No, please, Gloria!
I don't care.
1050
00:44:07,667 --> 00:44:09,567
I don't want to look
at that man again.
1051
00:44:09,567 --> 00:44:10,701
Ma, don't ya see?
1052
00:44:10,701 --> 00:44:12,801
The criminal's
supposed to be in jail,
1053
00:44:12,801 --> 00:44:14,300
not the victim!
1054
00:44:14,300 --> 00:44:16,667
Gloria, get out of my way!
I won't do it!
1055
00:44:16,667 --> 00:44:18,167
Please don't make me!
Don't make me!
1056
00:44:18,167 --> 00:44:20,567
Ma, you gotta go down
and identify him.
1057
00:44:20,567 --> 00:44:21,734
[HYSTERICAL]
No! No, Gloria!
1058
00:44:21,734 --> 00:44:23,434
No, leave me alone!
1059
00:44:23,434 --> 00:44:25,567
No, I won't leave you alone!
1060
00:44:25,567 --> 00:44:28,200
Ma, you've got to do it,
1061
00:44:28,200 --> 00:44:31,200
for every woman
who's a possible victim of a nut like that.
1062
00:44:31,200 --> 00:44:32,434
And you know what, Ma?
1063
00:44:32,434 --> 00:44:33,634
You know
what's most important?
1064
00:44:33,634 --> 00:44:34,901
You gotta do it
for yourself,
1065
00:44:34,901 --> 00:44:36,501
'cause you don't want
to go on living
1066
00:44:36,501 --> 00:44:37,734
like a scared rabbit,
do ya?
1067
00:44:37,734 --> 00:44:38,834
Now, come on, let's go.
1068
00:44:38,834 --> 00:44:40,033
No! I wanna forget it!
1069
00:44:40,033 --> 00:44:43,801
I wanna forget it!
I wanna forget it!
1070
00:44:43,801 --> 00:44:46,100
How can you be
so selfish?
1071
00:44:46,100 --> 00:44:48,300
I ain't bein' selfish!
1072
00:44:48,300 --> 00:44:49,801
Yes, you are!
1073
00:44:49,801 --> 00:44:52,300
You know who he is,
but you won't stop him!
1074
00:44:52,300 --> 00:44:54,901
Gloria, I'm afraid!
1075
00:44:54,901 --> 00:44:57,901
I know, Ma,
but don't you see?
1076
00:44:57,901 --> 00:45:00,868
You've gotta help
put away this sicko creep,
1077
00:45:00,868 --> 00:45:02,467
because that way,
1078
00:45:02,467 --> 00:45:05,100
you can stop feeling
so victimized
1079
00:45:05,100 --> 00:45:08,300
and be in control of
your life again, you know?
1080
00:45:08,300 --> 00:45:11,634
And that'll help ya
stop bein' afraid.
1081
00:45:11,634 --> 00:45:15,067
Now, come on, Ma,
let's go.
1082
00:45:16,734 --> 00:45:19,267
No! I ain't gonna
leave this house!
1083
00:45:22,367 --> 00:45:25,501
You're gonna let him do
what he did to you
1084
00:45:25,501 --> 00:45:27,834
to God knows how many
other women?
1085
00:45:27,834 --> 00:45:31,067
I can't believe it!
I'm ashamed of you!
1086
00:45:31,067 --> 00:45:33,534
The mother I know
would never refuse!
1087
00:45:33,534 --> 00:45:35,901
My mother always
helped other people!
1088
00:45:35,901 --> 00:45:38,701
You know what?
You are selfish!
1089
00:45:38,701 --> 00:45:40,601
You're not my mother
anymore!
1090
00:45:42,567 --> 00:45:47,200
Ohhh, Gloria.
1091
00:45:47,200 --> 00:45:48,834
Oh, I'm sorry!
1092
00:45:48,834 --> 00:45:50,567
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
1093
00:45:50,567 --> 00:45:52,067
Oh, Ma, it's all right.
1094
00:45:52,067 --> 00:45:53,300
It's all right.
It's all right.
1095
00:45:53,300 --> 00:45:55,100
Shh. Shh. Shh.
It's all right.
1096
00:45:55,100 --> 00:45:56,634
It's all right, Ma.
1097
00:45:58,601 --> 00:46:00,400
I'm sorry.
1098
00:46:00,400 --> 00:46:02,934
I understand, Ma.
1099
00:46:16,601 --> 00:46:18,767
Come on, Archie.
1100
00:46:28,634 --> 00:46:31,234
Uh, where we gonna go,
Edith?
1101
00:46:31,234 --> 00:46:33,767
Down to
the police station.
1102
00:46:33,767 --> 00:46:36,200
No, Edith, you ain't gonna
identify that guy, are you?
1103
00:46:36,200 --> 00:46:38,601
Yeah. If it's him,
1104
00:46:38,601 --> 00:46:40,767
I gotta stop him.
1105
00:46:47,267 --> 00:46:48,334
Oh, Ma.
1106
00:46:48,334 --> 00:46:51,934
You can put all
that stuff away, Gloria.
1107
00:46:51,934 --> 00:46:54,701
I ain't gonna do
no more ironin'.
1108
00:47:00,467 --> 00:47:03,934
There's some clothes
soakin' in the tub downstairs.
1109
00:47:03,934 --> 00:47:05,501
You can let the water out.
1110
00:47:05,501 --> 00:47:07,434
They was clean anyway.
1111
00:47:08,601 --> 00:47:10,534
Come on, Archie.
1112
00:47:22,167 --> 00:47:25,133
Aaaaah!
1113
00:47:48,567 --> 00:47:50,200
ROB REINER:
All in the Family
1114
00:47:50,200 --> 00:47:52,567
was recorded on tapebefore a live audience.
1115
00:47:52,617 --> 00:47:57,167
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