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00:00:02,200 --> 00:00:04,534
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:04,534 --> 00:00:08,000
♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪
3
00:00:08,000 --> 00:00:11,000
♪ Guys like us,
we had it made ♪
4
00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:13,767
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:13,767 --> 00:00:17,234
♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪
6
00:00:17,234 --> 00:00:20,400
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪
7
00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:25,567
♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:28,734
♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪
9
00:00:28,734 --> 00:00:32,033
♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪
10
00:00:32,033 --> 00:00:36,000
♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪
11
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:41,434
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:47,801 --> 00:00:50,033
Hey, Kelcy,
you got a visitor.
13
00:00:50,033 --> 00:00:52,400
Yeah? Who?
14
00:00:52,400 --> 00:00:54,067
Archie here!
15
00:00:54,067 --> 00:00:57,100
Ah, come on,
quit your kiddin'. Jeez, how are ya?
16
00:00:57,100 --> 00:00:59,334
Hey, I brought you
a little present here, huh?
17
00:00:59,334 --> 00:01:01,501
Cigar. This is a goodie.
It's a 50-cent one, you know?
18
00:01:01,501 --> 00:01:03,634
It ain't a Havana,
but Puerto Rican Harlem,
19
00:01:03,634 --> 00:01:05,734
that's as close to Havana
as we want to get.
20
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:10,033
Thanks, Archie,
but I ain't allowed to smoke no more.
21
00:01:10,033 --> 00:01:11,868
That's what
I figured there.
22
00:01:13,033 --> 00:01:14,567
You had me scared.
23
00:01:14,567 --> 00:01:17,801
Hey, you give us all a time
down in the saloon, you know?
24
00:01:17,801 --> 00:01:20,601
Somebody said the priest
had you penciled in for Wednesday.
25
00:01:22,667 --> 00:01:25,000
Nah, it was a mild
heart attack.
26
00:01:25,000 --> 00:01:26,067
What?
27
00:01:26,067 --> 00:01:27,133
Hiya, Kelcy!
28
00:01:27,133 --> 00:01:28,801
Hey, Arch,
what are you doin' here?
29
00:01:28,801 --> 00:01:30,534
You said he was a goner.
30
00:01:31,601 --> 00:01:33,167
I never said that.
31
00:01:33,167 --> 00:01:34,934
How's things
down at the bar?
32
00:01:34,934 --> 00:01:36,234
Oh, it's hummin' tonight.
33
00:01:36,234 --> 00:01:39,367
Me and Carlos could've used
a third bartender.
34
00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:42,434
Hey, uh, a little rememberance
from me and the misses. Thanks, Harry.
35
00:01:42,434 --> 00:01:44,534
Well, Kelcy, you know,
I would've brung you flowers, too,
36
00:01:44,534 --> 00:01:48,601
but I read in a magazine
that they suck up all the carbon monoxygen in the air.
37
00:01:50,300 --> 00:01:53,300
Well, Harry,
what's the answer?
38
00:01:53,300 --> 00:01:54,767
I came to tell you,
Kelce,
39
00:01:54,767 --> 00:01:58,200
but I didn't know
there was gonna be anybody here.
40
00:01:58,200 --> 00:01:59,634
Well, there's only me.
41
00:01:59,634 --> 00:02:02,400
Yeah, Arch, would you mind
just steppin' outside?
42
00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:03,968
Don't send me
out in that hall.
43
00:02:03,968 --> 00:02:05,467
There's a guy layin'
on a table out there
44
00:02:05,467 --> 00:02:07,067
with hoses up his nose.
45
00:02:09,868 --> 00:02:12,133
- Go ahead, Harry.
- Yeah, go ahead. Don't take no notice of me.
46
00:02:12,133 --> 00:02:14,300
Just make like
I ain't here, that's all.
47
00:02:14,300 --> 00:02:15,367
Well, listen, Kelce--
48
00:02:15,367 --> 00:02:17,400
Uh, Harry,
is this nice in my face?
49
00:02:20,067 --> 00:02:21,234
Would you mind?
50
00:02:21,234 --> 00:02:23,133
Talk, talk.
I ain't listenin'.
51
00:02:23,133 --> 00:02:25,234
I'm still tryin'
to raise the money.
52
00:02:25,234 --> 00:02:26,634
The money for what?
53
00:02:28,234 --> 00:02:29,868
Harry, I'm a businessman.
54
00:02:29,868 --> 00:02:32,901
I sell to the first guy
who meets my price.
55
00:02:32,901 --> 00:02:34,033
Price of what?
56
00:02:34,033 --> 00:02:36,367
Arch, this is
a private matter.
57
00:02:36,367 --> 00:02:38,634
We're all pals here,
ain't we?
58
00:02:38,634 --> 00:02:41,400
Harry here's tryin'
to raise the money to buy the bar.
59
00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:43,167
What?
60
00:02:43,167 --> 00:02:45,501
Harry wants to buy the bar?
61
00:02:45,501 --> 00:02:47,334
Will you butt out?
62
00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:49,501
Kelcy, are you
sellin' Kelcy's?
63
00:02:49,501 --> 00:02:51,634
The doc says
I oughtta retire,
64
00:02:51,634 --> 00:02:53,868
and thanks to the bar,
I can afford it.
65
00:02:53,868 --> 00:02:55,501
Hey, look, Kelce,
look.
66
00:02:55,501 --> 00:02:57,367
I gotta a friend
who's got a friend
67
00:02:57,367 --> 00:02:59,167
who's very interested
in goin' in with me.
68
00:02:59,167 --> 00:03:01,067
All I ask is
you give me a little time.
69
00:03:01,067 --> 00:03:02,701
Don't give him
nothin' here.
70
00:03:02,701 --> 00:03:04,367
Will you stay
outta this?
71
00:03:04,367 --> 00:03:05,634
No!
72
00:03:08,100 --> 00:03:10,434
Harry, first come,
first served.
73
00:03:10,434 --> 00:03:12,901
Hey, don't you
think you oughtta go back to the bar?
74
00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:15,067
You don't wanna leave
Carlos alone too long.
75
00:03:15,067 --> 00:03:16,734
No, you don't
want to do that. You better get goin'.
76
00:03:16,734 --> 00:03:18,100
Yeah, I gotta get back.
77
00:03:18,100 --> 00:03:20,467
I sure hope you don't sell it
to nobody else, Kelce.
78
00:03:20,467 --> 00:03:22,133
Nice seein' ya, Arch.
79
00:03:22,133 --> 00:03:24,501
No nice to be nasty
there, Harry.
80
00:03:25,968 --> 00:03:27,300
Hey, feel good, Kelce.
81
00:03:27,300 --> 00:03:29,467
I don't want you to take
a turn for the "nurse."
82
00:03:29,467 --> 00:03:31,534
Ha ha ha!
83
00:03:31,534 --> 00:03:34,968
Aw, gee, ain't he
a crude palooka?
84
00:03:34,968 --> 00:03:36,734
Ya sellin' him the bar?
85
00:03:36,734 --> 00:03:38,501
Why not?
86
00:03:38,501 --> 00:03:40,367
I mean,
Harry ain't no boss.
87
00:03:40,367 --> 00:03:41,968
Kelcy, you're a boss.
88
00:03:41,968 --> 00:03:43,033
Harry ain't no more
than me,
89
00:03:43,033 --> 00:03:44,767
an ordinary workin' stiff.
90
00:03:44,767 --> 00:03:47,267
When I bought the bar,
I was a workin' stiff,
91
00:03:47,267 --> 00:03:48,334
just like you.
92
00:03:48,334 --> 00:03:49,968
Didn't need no brains.
93
00:03:49,968 --> 00:03:51,100
No kiddin'?
94
00:03:54,133 --> 00:03:56,000
Not only that,
I had a boss that hollered.
95
00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:58,501
Aw, jeez,
tell me about that.
96
00:03:58,501 --> 00:04:01,467
Biggest day of my life
was when I hollered back at him.
97
00:04:01,467 --> 00:04:04,033
Then I borrowed the money
and bought the bar.
98
00:04:04,033 --> 00:04:06,767
And you lived
wealthily ever after, huh?
99
00:04:06,767 --> 00:04:08,601
You know any workin' stiff
100
00:04:08,601 --> 00:04:11,701
that can afford to pay
cash for a heart attack?
101
00:04:11,701 --> 00:04:13,567
Jeez, I sure don't,
Kelce.
102
00:04:13,567 --> 00:04:15,501
That bar's a gold mine,
Arch.
103
00:04:15,501 --> 00:04:17,734
There's always business.
104
00:04:17,734 --> 00:04:19,501
When things are good,
they come in to celebrate.
105
00:04:19,501 --> 00:04:23,167
When things are bad,
they come in to drown their troubles.
106
00:04:23,167 --> 00:04:24,567
And you know
that apartment house
107
00:04:24,567 --> 00:04:26,467
they're talkin' about
buildin' down at the corner?
108
00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:29,767
That could mean 400
new thirsty tongues hangin' out.
109
00:04:32,467 --> 00:04:35,167
Undertakers
and saloon-keepers, Archie--
110
00:04:35,167 --> 00:04:36,534
they never starve.
111
00:04:45,534 --> 00:04:47,200
How much you askin'?
112
00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:48,934
40,000.
113
00:04:48,934 --> 00:04:50,200
Oh, jeez.
114
00:04:50,200 --> 00:04:52,934
20,000 down, and I'll
take back a note for 20.
115
00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:03,667
I want it, Kelcy.
116
00:05:03,667 --> 00:05:05,400
I want that saloon.
117
00:05:06,467 --> 00:05:08,300
Like I told Harry--
118
00:05:08,300 --> 00:05:09,968
first come,
first served.
119
00:05:09,968 --> 00:05:11,701
Oh, that's only fair,
only fair.
120
00:05:11,701 --> 00:05:12,868
I'm gonna be
the first to come.
121
00:05:12,868 --> 00:05:13,968
Aahhh!
122
00:05:15,667 --> 00:05:18,667
Kelcy, easy.
Jeeeezzz.
123
00:05:18,667 --> 00:05:21,334
Take it easy.
Don't get away from me now, you know?
124
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:24,067
I'm gonna go away.
125
00:05:24,067 --> 00:05:25,133
I'm gonna look into this.
126
00:05:25,133 --> 00:05:27,133
I'm gonna look into this,
Kelcy.
127
00:05:27,133 --> 00:05:28,968
Oh, about poor Harry here--
128
00:05:28,968 --> 00:05:30,734
- What about him?
- To hell with him!
129
00:05:38,367 --> 00:05:41,801
[TITTERING]
130
00:05:41,801 --> 00:05:44,100
Close the door!
[TITTERING]
131
00:05:44,100 --> 00:05:46,667
Ooohhh!
132
00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:49,501
Hey, Edith!
133
00:05:49,501 --> 00:05:50,734
[TITTERING]
134
00:05:50,734 --> 00:05:51,767
Hey, Edith.
135
00:05:51,767 --> 00:05:52,968
Hey, Edith, wake up.
136
00:05:52,968 --> 00:05:54,901
Edith.
137
00:05:54,901 --> 00:05:56,901
Hey, Edith, wake up,
I wanna talk to ya.
138
00:05:56,901 --> 00:05:58,167
Hey, Edith.
Edith, Edith, Edith!
139
00:05:58,167 --> 00:05:59,968
Ohh! Ooohhhh!
140
00:05:59,968 --> 00:06:02,200
Hello, Archie!
141
00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:03,734
Edith! Edith!
142
00:06:03,734 --> 00:06:05,601
I'm glad I found you
awake, Edith.
143
00:06:05,601 --> 00:06:07,567
Yeah.
[YAWNS]
144
00:06:07,567 --> 00:06:08,634
I want to talk to you
awake.
145
00:06:08,634 --> 00:06:10,801
Oh, yeah.
All right, Archie.
146
00:06:10,801 --> 00:06:12,200
I got somethin'
important to tell ya.
147
00:06:12,200 --> 00:06:13,868
Yeah, all right.
What is it?
148
00:06:13,868 --> 00:06:16,067
Kelcy is retirin'.
149
00:06:16,067 --> 00:06:18,501
He's gonna sell
his saloon.
150
00:06:18,501 --> 00:06:19,567
What?
151
00:06:19,567 --> 00:06:21,567
Kelcy's sellin'
his saloon.
152
00:06:21,567 --> 00:06:23,100
Listen to me here.
153
00:06:23,100 --> 00:06:25,033
Oh. Ohhh.
154
00:06:25,033 --> 00:06:27,968
Oh, well,
don't worry, Archie,
155
00:06:27,968 --> 00:06:31,167
you'll find
someplace else to drink.
156
00:06:31,167 --> 00:06:33,033
That ain't it.
That ain't it.
157
00:06:33,033 --> 00:06:34,434
Wake up!
158
00:06:34,434 --> 00:06:36,300
All right,
I'm awake, I'm awake.
159
00:06:36,300 --> 00:06:38,000
Listen to me.
160
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:41,000
I wanna buy
Kelcy's saloon from him.
161
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:43,367
Oh--
You're jokin'!
162
00:06:43,367 --> 00:06:45,033
No, no, I ain't jokin'.
163
00:06:45,033 --> 00:06:48,033
Oh, Archie,
you can't do that!
164
00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:49,367
No? Why?
165
00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:52,100
Well, I mean you can't
run a bar at night
166
00:06:52,100 --> 00:06:54,467
and--and do your job
in the daytime.
167
00:06:54,467 --> 00:06:56,834
You know what?
The hell with that job!
168
00:06:56,834 --> 00:06:58,467
The hell with the job.
I'm quittin' the job.
169
00:06:58,467 --> 00:06:59,901
You know what I want
to do to that job?
170
00:06:59,901 --> 00:07:03,400
[IMITATES BURBLING WATER]
Down the toilet with the job!
171
00:07:03,400 --> 00:07:07,033
You can't do that!
You'll lose your pension!
172
00:07:07,033 --> 00:07:08,400
Pension! Pension!
173
00:07:08,400 --> 00:07:10,501
Do you know what happens
to all them union pension funds?
174
00:07:10,501 --> 00:07:12,167
They all go to the Mafia.
175
00:07:12,167 --> 00:07:15,868
I'll never collect on that
unless I want to spend my dying days in Sicily!
176
00:07:17,234 --> 00:07:20,601
Well, what about
your Social Security?
177
00:07:20,601 --> 00:07:23,701
Social Security?
I can't collect on that for another 12 years, Edith.
178
00:07:23,701 --> 00:07:25,434
And with the Democrats
in there,
179
00:07:25,434 --> 00:07:27,634
they'll run through all that
Social Security money
180
00:07:27,634 --> 00:07:30,400
before we have a chance
to run 'em outta there!
181
00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:32,667
That's true!
Didn't you read
182
00:07:32,667 --> 00:07:34,334
where they're sellin'
the post offices
183
00:07:34,334 --> 00:07:37,067
to pay the rent
on the White House?
184
00:07:37,067 --> 00:07:39,067
No, I never heard that.
185
00:07:39,067 --> 00:07:40,901
Well,
read the National Enquirer--
186
00:07:40,901 --> 00:07:44,067
the only paper that'll
give you the truth nowadays!
187
00:07:44,067 --> 00:07:45,534
Listen. Listen.
188
00:07:45,534 --> 00:07:47,667
- Listen, Edith, Edith.
- Yeah.
189
00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:49,234
Now, think of it
this way.
190
00:07:49,234 --> 00:07:50,801
- Edith--
- Yeah, what, Archie?
191
00:07:50,801 --> 00:07:53,067
Supposing all my
figuring is wrong,
192
00:07:53,067 --> 00:07:55,534
and I die first.
193
00:07:55,534 --> 00:07:56,467
Huh?
194
00:07:58,133 --> 00:07:59,467
Now, think of that,
Edith.
195
00:07:59,467 --> 00:08:02,133
Now, what's to become
of you there? Huh?
196
00:08:02,133 --> 00:08:05,868
You'll spend your last days
in a home for the aged, see?
197
00:08:05,868 --> 00:08:08,701
A raggedy,
muffledy old bag...
198
00:08:10,167 --> 00:08:12,000
gummin' gruel!
199
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,834
Do you want
to spend your last days with a bowl of gruel?
200
00:08:14,834 --> 00:08:17,167
Oh, Archie,
you're talkin' crazy.
201
00:08:17,167 --> 00:08:18,767
No, no, no, I ain't.
202
00:08:18,767 --> 00:08:22,234
If I can do this thing,
I--I can take us out of all that.
203
00:08:22,234 --> 00:08:23,534
I can be somebody, see?
204
00:08:23,534 --> 00:08:27,167
Oh, Archie, you don't
have to be somebody.
205
00:08:27,167 --> 00:08:30,334
I love ya right now
when you're nobody!
206
00:08:30,334 --> 00:08:31,267
Aahhh!
207
00:08:35,334 --> 00:08:37,467
Listen to me, Edith.
208
00:08:37,467 --> 00:08:39,634
All my life,
I been a guy,
209
00:08:39,634 --> 00:08:41,868
they're always tellin' me
what to do, you know?
210
00:08:41,868 --> 00:08:43,701
Someone's always
tellin' me, even now--
211
00:08:43,701 --> 00:08:44,868
I'm a middle-aged man--
212
00:08:44,868 --> 00:08:47,067
down on the job,
someone's always yellin',
213
00:08:47,067 --> 00:08:49,200
"Bunker, move them crates
off the loadin' dock!"
214
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:50,868
When I was little kid,
the teachers,
215
00:08:50,868 --> 00:08:53,534
"Bunker, sit in the corner!
Blow your nose!"
216
00:08:53,534 --> 00:08:56,033
When I was a young fella
in the war,
217
00:08:56,033 --> 00:08:58,801
"Bunker, hand that chicken
back to the wops!"
218
00:09:01,701 --> 00:09:03,200
For a change in my life,
219
00:09:03,200 --> 00:09:05,834
I want to tell people
where to go and what to do.
220
00:09:05,834 --> 00:09:07,367
Yeah, I know, Archie.
221
00:09:07,367 --> 00:09:09,601
You wanna raise
yourself up.
222
00:09:09,601 --> 00:09:11,901
That's it! That's it!
That's it! That's it!
223
00:09:11,901 --> 00:09:14,801
I want to raise myself up!
I want to raise myself--
224
00:09:14,801 --> 00:09:17,567
I wanna see my name
on somethin', ya know?
225
00:09:17,567 --> 00:09:20,901
Somethin' besides
just a lunch pail.
226
00:09:20,901 --> 00:09:25,734
I wanna see Kelcy's Bar
turned into Bunker's Bar,
227
00:09:25,734 --> 00:09:29,167
and for $20,000 down,
Edith, that's all--
228
00:09:29,167 --> 00:09:30,901
$20,000!
229
00:09:30,901 --> 00:09:33,534
Archie, how ya gonna get
that much money?
230
00:09:33,534 --> 00:09:34,801
Credit, Edith, credit!
231
00:09:34,801 --> 00:09:36,367
Oh, no, not credit!
232
00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:38,067
What are ya talkin' about,
"Not credit"?
233
00:09:38,067 --> 00:09:40,434
What's wrong with credit?
It's the backbone of the USA economy!
234
00:09:40,434 --> 00:09:44,300
Credit's the only thing
that stands between us and communism!
235
00:09:44,300 --> 00:09:46,167
Archie, we only got
236
00:09:46,167 --> 00:09:50,267
nineteen hundred
and seventy-two dollars and forty-three cents
237
00:09:50,267 --> 00:09:52,667
in our savings account!
238
00:09:52,667 --> 00:09:54,033
Plus interest--
239
00:09:54,033 --> 00:09:56,501
which, "we're sorry,
but Federal regulations
240
00:09:56,501 --> 00:10:00,501
require a substantial penalty
for early withdrawal"!
241
00:10:03,701 --> 00:10:05,133
Oh, Edith.
242
00:10:05,133 --> 00:10:09,501
Oh, Archie,
come on, get undressed and come to bed.
243
00:10:09,501 --> 00:10:10,934
You're just dreamin'!
244
00:10:10,934 --> 00:10:12,634
No, no, no,
I ain't dreamin'.
245
00:10:12,634 --> 00:10:14,234
Edith, Edith,
listen to me.
246
00:10:14,234 --> 00:10:17,567
This is a once-
in-a-lifetime chance!
247
00:10:17,567 --> 00:10:19,133
A once-in-a-lifetime
chance
248
00:10:19,133 --> 00:10:22,601
comes only once
or twice in a lifetime!
249
00:10:22,601 --> 00:10:26,467
Archie, we got
everything we need!
250
00:10:26,467 --> 00:10:30,534
And besides,
we're too old to start over.
251
00:10:30,534 --> 00:10:33,834
Now, come on,
get undressed and come to bed.
252
00:10:35,901 --> 00:10:38,868
Too old to start over.
253
00:10:38,868 --> 00:10:41,234
Jeez.
254
00:10:41,234 --> 00:10:44,200
That's what you'd say
to somethin' I want as much as this, huh?
255
00:10:46,334 --> 00:10:49,501
Ohh, Edith.
256
00:10:49,501 --> 00:10:50,834
You know,
it puts me in mind
257
00:10:50,834 --> 00:10:55,033
of when I was a kid
about 12 years old, you know.
258
00:10:55,033 --> 00:10:56,934
I used to go scratchin'
all around the neighborhood
259
00:10:56,934 --> 00:10:59,033
lookin' for odd jobs
to make myself a quarter--
260
00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:01,200
rakin' leaves,
runnin' errands,
261
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:03,701
shovelin' snow,
all of that.
262
00:11:03,701 --> 00:11:05,200
I was savin' up
for a bike,
263
00:11:05,200 --> 00:11:08,234
because a bike
was the one thing
264
00:11:08,234 --> 00:11:11,033
I wanted more than
anything else in life, see.
265
00:11:11,033 --> 00:11:14,033
So after nearly two years
of savin' up,
266
00:11:14,033 --> 00:11:16,701
my old man comes along
and he says,
267
00:11:16,701 --> 00:11:19,167
"No bike for you,
Meathead."
268
00:11:19,167 --> 00:11:23,667
He called you
Meathead?
269
00:11:23,667 --> 00:11:25,667
Now, wasn't that
a rotten thing to say?
270
00:11:27,901 --> 00:11:29,968
The man had no heart
in him at all.
271
00:11:29,968 --> 00:11:31,501
He took all my dough,
272
00:11:31,501 --> 00:11:36,067
and he put it, he said,
into the bank for me.
273
00:11:36,067 --> 00:11:38,234
I feel to you now, Edith,
274
00:11:38,234 --> 00:11:39,634
like the way I felt
to him then.
275
00:11:39,634 --> 00:11:43,567
I wanted to kick him
right you-know-where.
276
00:11:45,367 --> 00:11:47,501
Oh, well.
277
00:11:47,501 --> 00:11:48,567
I--I didn't mean that.
278
00:11:48,567 --> 00:11:49,968
Forget I said that, Edith.
279
00:11:49,968 --> 00:11:53,667
I'm--I'm sorry
I said that.
280
00:11:53,667 --> 00:11:56,100
Well, I'm sorry too,
Archie.
281
00:11:57,667 --> 00:11:58,634
Yeah.
282
00:12:00,033 --> 00:12:02,567
Well, I ain't so sure
you're sorry, Edith.
283
00:12:03,868 --> 00:12:06,100
I really don't think
you're sorry at all.
284
00:12:26,033 --> 00:12:27,601
This way please.
285
00:12:27,601 --> 00:12:29,434
It's a swell-lookin' bank
you got here.
286
00:12:29,434 --> 00:12:32,701
Well, thank you.
The loan officer will be with you in a minute.
287
00:12:32,701 --> 00:12:34,634
All right,
thank you very much. Thank you very much.
288
00:12:52,734 --> 00:12:56,000
- Hello.
- Oh, hello there.
289
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:57,601
Can I help you?
290
00:12:57,601 --> 00:13:00,033
No, thanks. I'm just waitin'
for the loan officer here.
291
00:13:00,033 --> 00:13:01,334
I'm the loan officer.
292
00:13:03,467 --> 00:13:06,100
Are you Mr. Bunker?
293
00:13:06,100 --> 00:13:07,834
You're the loan officer?
294
00:13:07,834 --> 00:13:09,400
Yes, I am.
295
00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:12,534
Jeez, I was sure
the loan officer was gonna be--
296
00:13:12,534 --> 00:13:13,968
a man.
297
00:13:15,767 --> 00:13:18,067
Or a lady.
You know, a regular lady.
298
00:13:18,067 --> 00:13:19,000
Oh, jeez.
299
00:13:22,367 --> 00:13:25,367
Struck out twice, didn't you?
300
00:13:25,367 --> 00:13:28,467
Now, you're gonna
ask me for a loan, right?
301
00:13:28,467 --> 00:13:31,501
I bet my chances
ain't as good as they was about two minutes ago, huh?
302
00:13:32,968 --> 00:13:34,133
It won't affect the loan,
303
00:13:34,133 --> 00:13:36,667
as long as you don't want
to marry my sister.
304
00:13:36,667 --> 00:13:37,767
Ohh.
305
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:41,267
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
306
00:13:41,267 --> 00:13:43,400
- Please sit down.
- Thank you very much there.
307
00:13:45,334 --> 00:13:47,834
Hello, Ms. Watson here.
308
00:13:47,834 --> 00:13:50,000
Yes, I'm familiar
with the Granville loan.
309
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:52,334
It matures on the 7th,
but we've given an extension
310
00:13:52,334 --> 00:13:54,434
with an accelerated
amortization
311
00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:58,000
and a cancellation
of the mortgagee's obligation to a balloon payment.
312
00:13:59,167 --> 00:14:00,434
You're welcome.
313
00:14:05,467 --> 00:14:06,901
Whoop-de-do there.
314
00:14:09,100 --> 00:14:11,400
We've come a long way
from Roots, haven't we?
315
00:14:16,033 --> 00:14:17,567
Yeah, you said it.
316
00:14:17,567 --> 00:14:20,501
I mean, Aunt Jemima
could have never rattled that off.
317
00:14:25,934 --> 00:14:27,834
You're a very smart girl,
318
00:14:27,834 --> 00:14:30,167
and you're gonna
give me a loan, huh?
319
00:14:30,167 --> 00:14:32,167
First, I have
a few questions.
320
00:14:32,167 --> 00:14:33,868
Do you have
an account here?
321
00:14:33,868 --> 00:14:37,501
At this particular
point in time, no.
322
00:14:37,501 --> 00:14:39,968
Why don't you go
to your own bank for a loan?
323
00:14:39,968 --> 00:14:41,033
They know me there.
324
00:14:41,033 --> 00:14:44,334
No, no, no, I mean--
I know them there,
325
00:14:44,334 --> 00:14:46,033
and I don't like them,
you know.
326
00:14:46,033 --> 00:14:50,167
I--I think I'm gonna move
my assets over here to this bank.
327
00:14:50,167 --> 00:14:51,601
Well, I don't trust 'em.
328
00:14:51,601 --> 00:14:54,367
Listen, you walk in to
a bank manager's office there,
329
00:14:54,367 --> 00:14:58,501
and all you see on his desk
is travel photos, you know.
330
00:14:58,501 --> 00:15:00,901
What kind of a loan
did you have in mind?
331
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:05,000
Well, I'm--I'm figurin'
on goin' into a business adventures, you know.
332
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:08,167
So, I thought,
twenty thou.
333
00:15:08,167 --> 00:15:09,534
What kind of business?
334
00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:12,167
I'm gonna purchase
an establishment
335
00:15:12,167 --> 00:15:14,334
for the dispenseration
of wines, beers,
336
00:15:14,334 --> 00:15:17,634
and alcoholic spirituals
and, um...
337
00:15:17,634 --> 00:15:21,267
drinks of a liquorious nature.
338
00:15:21,267 --> 00:15:23,434
A saloon.
339
00:15:23,434 --> 00:15:25,033
Well, no, I--
340
00:15:25,033 --> 00:15:27,868
a friendly, respectable
neighborhood tavern, you know,
341
00:15:27,868 --> 00:15:30,000
where you could take
your own mother in there
342
00:15:30,000 --> 00:15:32,400
with no fear that
she's gonna be groped.
343
00:15:35,868 --> 00:15:38,634
- Sounds high-class.
- Oh, A-1.
344
00:15:38,634 --> 00:15:41,634
Do you have any collateral
to guarantee the loan?
345
00:15:41,634 --> 00:15:44,300
Yeah, the best
collateral in the world, the saloon itself.
346
00:15:44,300 --> 00:15:45,801
You don't own that.
347
00:15:45,801 --> 00:15:48,000
Mr. Bunker,
you have to show us that you're a good risk.
348
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:50,133
Oh, come on, there,
do I look like some bum
349
00:15:50,133 --> 00:15:51,968
rollin' in
off the street here?
350
00:15:51,968 --> 00:15:54,267
I'm a respectable guy,
workin' the same job for 20 years.
351
00:15:54,267 --> 00:15:55,968
I own my own house.
352
00:15:55,968 --> 00:15:57,200
Is it encumbered?
353
00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:58,467
No, it's stucco and wood.
354
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:07,133
No, I mean do you own it
free and clear?
355
00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:08,567
Oh! Plea--
356
00:16:08,567 --> 00:16:11,100
Sure I do,
own the whole thing outright there,
357
00:16:11,100 --> 00:16:13,934
and that house is the jewel
of the block there.
358
00:16:13,934 --> 00:16:16,601
I was offered
forty-seven-five for the house there.
359
00:16:16,601 --> 00:16:18,534
I could get fifty-two
from a colored guy.
360
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:23,701
I wouldn't be surprised.
361
00:16:23,701 --> 00:16:26,801
Unfortunately,
business is business.
362
00:16:26,801 --> 00:16:29,868
I think I may be able
to recommend the loan.
363
00:16:29,868 --> 00:16:31,067
Aww, terrific.
364
00:16:31,067 --> 00:16:32,601
Say, I knew I was
gonna like you, you know.
365
00:16:32,601 --> 00:16:34,367
'Course, you's a little tough,
you seemed to be,
366
00:16:34,367 --> 00:16:36,234
when I first sat down,
but then it goes to show
367
00:16:36,234 --> 00:16:38,067
you can never judge a book
by its color--
368
00:16:38,067 --> 00:16:39,334
cover.
369
00:16:44,133 --> 00:16:45,300
You're to complete
this form.
370
00:16:45,300 --> 00:16:46,367
Yeah, gimme it.
371
00:16:46,367 --> 00:16:47,434
Sign here,
372
00:16:47,434 --> 00:16:48,701
and if the house
is jointly owned,
373
00:16:48,701 --> 00:16:49,934
your wife signs here.
374
00:16:49,934 --> 00:16:51,400
Oh, well, wait a minute,
375
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,601
if I sign it,
ain't that enough for ya?
376
00:16:53,601 --> 00:16:55,534
Not if it's
jointly owned.
377
00:16:55,534 --> 00:16:56,601
Ohh.
378
00:16:56,601 --> 00:16:58,167
Well, there ain't
gonna be no problem.
379
00:16:58,167 --> 00:17:00,868
My wife will sign
anything I put in front of her there,
380
00:17:00,868 --> 00:17:03,434
'cause she's one of them
old-fashioned missuses, you know?
381
00:17:03,434 --> 00:17:05,634
She ain't one of your
modern, pain-in-the-neck missuses.
382
00:17:05,634 --> 00:17:08,934
You know, present company
suspected, there.
383
00:17:08,934 --> 00:17:11,334
So, uh, I'll just
get this signed,
384
00:17:11,334 --> 00:17:13,334
and I'll be back,
and I want to thank you for your time.
385
00:17:13,334 --> 00:17:15,267
Oh, jeez,
I'm awful sorry!
386
00:17:15,267 --> 00:17:16,434
That's all right,
Mr. Bunker.
387
00:17:16,434 --> 00:17:17,901
There's some down
in your lap here.
388
00:17:17,901 --> 00:17:20,334
Oh, jeez, I hope
I didn't touch nothin'.
389
00:17:27,601 --> 00:17:28,934
I'll get this all signed.
390
00:17:28,934 --> 00:17:30,667
I'll bring it back
as fast as I can.
391
00:17:30,667 --> 00:17:32,467
You'll see, it'll all
be in order, see.
392
00:17:32,467 --> 00:17:35,701
Oh, jeez! I didn't know
the toilets was that way.
393
00:17:42,634 --> 00:17:44,634
Ma, you here?
394
00:17:44,634 --> 00:17:46,267
Oh, hi, Mike.
395
00:17:46,267 --> 00:17:47,267
Hi, Ma.
396
00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:48,267
How's Joey?
397
00:17:48,267 --> 00:17:49,334
Oh, he's fine.
398
00:17:49,334 --> 00:17:51,167
Glorida took him
on his first bus ride today.
399
00:17:51,167 --> 00:17:52,634
You should've seen him.
He was so excited.
400
00:17:52,634 --> 00:17:54,567
He jumped on the bus,
hopped in the front seat,
401
00:17:54,567 --> 00:17:57,000
and said,
"My chair, my chair."
402
00:17:57,000 --> 00:17:59,267
Wonder where he got that from.
403
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:05,334
Probably from Archie.
404
00:18:05,334 --> 00:18:06,400
Yeah, Ma.
405
00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:08,334
[SIGHS]
406
00:18:08,334 --> 00:18:10,634
What's the matter, Ma?
Something botherin' you?
407
00:18:10,634 --> 00:18:15,367
Oh, no. Well, yeah.
Well, yeah, no.
408
00:18:15,367 --> 00:18:17,701
Yeah.
409
00:18:17,701 --> 00:18:20,334
Is Archie still thinkin'
about buyin' Kelcy's?
410
00:18:20,334 --> 00:18:23,167
I think it would be
a terrible mistake.
411
00:18:23,167 --> 00:18:25,834
Ma, you got nothing
to worry about.
412
00:18:25,834 --> 00:18:29,167
The only way Archie's
gonna get $20,000 is if he prints it,
413
00:18:29,167 --> 00:18:32,067
and I don't think
Archie can print.
414
00:18:32,067 --> 00:18:33,501
Hey, hey, hey!
415
00:18:33,501 --> 00:18:35,701
I'm home, I'm home,
I'm home.
416
00:18:35,701 --> 00:18:38,567
Here back in the bosom
of all your smilin' faces.
417
00:18:38,567 --> 00:18:40,434
Edith, I don't see ya
runnin' up to me
418
00:18:40,434 --> 00:18:42,501
as per usual, but don't
make no difference.
419
00:18:42,501 --> 00:18:44,934
You're lookin' beautiful
standin' over there.
420
00:18:44,934 --> 00:18:47,067
- Meathead.
- Just call me gorgeous.
421
00:18:47,067 --> 00:18:49,167
Gorgeous,
my chair, my chair.
422
00:18:51,934 --> 00:18:56,334
Ladies and gentlemen,
you see before youse a brand-new person here.
423
00:18:56,334 --> 00:18:58,567
You'll never guess
what happened to me today.
424
00:18:58,567 --> 00:19:00,267
You had a sex change.
425
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:06,467
No, that's more
in your line, Vasectomy Vic.
426
00:19:08,234 --> 00:19:11,234
Edith, you're
looking at a bona fide businessman here.
427
00:19:11,234 --> 00:19:13,601
I just started
to arrange the finances
428
00:19:13,601 --> 00:19:15,767
for the purchase
of Kelcy's bar.
429
00:19:15,767 --> 00:19:17,734
Wait, wait, wait,
wait a second.
430
00:19:17,734 --> 00:19:18,901
Wait a second.
431
00:19:18,901 --> 00:19:20,300
Who would lend you
that kind of money?
432
00:19:20,300 --> 00:19:21,534
- I ain't sayin'.
- You can't say.
433
00:19:21,534 --> 00:19:22,801
- I wouldn't say.
- I dare ya to say.
434
00:19:22,801 --> 00:19:24,000
- I won't say.
- Say it!
435
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:25,467
The bank!
436
00:19:25,467 --> 00:19:27,801
And what did you
give them in return?
437
00:19:27,801 --> 00:19:29,934
Somethin' that you
ain't got--my word.
438
00:19:29,934 --> 00:19:31,100
Oh, come on, Arch.
439
00:19:31,100 --> 00:19:32,234
You're tellin' me a bank
is gonna lend you
440
00:19:32,234 --> 00:19:34,300
$20,000 on your word alone.
441
00:19:34,300 --> 00:19:35,701
Well, my word, plus--
442
00:19:35,701 --> 00:19:37,000
- Plus what?
- I ain't sayin'!
443
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,234
- You can't say.
- I wouldn't say.
444
00:19:38,234 --> 00:19:39,501
- I dare you to say.
- I won't say it.
445
00:19:39,501 --> 00:19:41,100
- Say it!
- Mortgage!
446
00:19:41,100 --> 00:19:42,334
A mortgage on what?
447
00:19:42,334 --> 00:19:44,901
What the hell do you
usually get a mortgage on?
448
00:19:44,901 --> 00:19:46,467
- A mortgage on the house?
- You're clever.
449
00:19:46,467 --> 00:19:47,968
- You can't use the house,
Arch. - Our house?
450
00:19:47,968 --> 00:19:49,968
You're gonna
mortgage our house?
451
00:19:49,968 --> 00:19:52,901
Ma, Ma, don't worry.
He can't possibly do that without your signature.
452
00:19:52,901 --> 00:19:54,367
Will you shut up?
453
00:19:54,367 --> 00:19:55,434
But don't that mean
454
00:19:55,434 --> 00:19:57,734
if somethin'
happens to the bar
455
00:19:57,734 --> 00:20:00,033
they could take away
our house?
456
00:20:00,033 --> 00:20:03,100
Don't be hollerin' like you're
out on the sidewalk already.
457
00:20:03,100 --> 00:20:05,100
Why do you always
look on the dark side?
458
00:20:05,100 --> 00:20:07,033
That's all she sees,
livin' with you.
459
00:20:09,167 --> 00:20:11,400
I got two things
to say to you.
460
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,567
First is, why don't you
take a walk?
461
00:20:13,567 --> 00:20:16,734
The second is...
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
462
00:20:16,734 --> 00:20:17,801
Okay, goodbye, Ma.
463
00:20:17,801 --> 00:20:19,267
I'm holdin' the door
for you.
464
00:20:19,267 --> 00:20:20,968
All right,
goodbye, Arch.
465
00:20:20,968 --> 00:20:22,367
Why is it--
466
00:20:22,367 --> 00:20:24,367
Why is it that I always leave
this house under a cloud?
467
00:20:24,367 --> 00:20:26,534
I wouldn't know, but sometime
I'd like to see you
468
00:20:26,534 --> 00:20:28,567
leavin' this house
under arrest.
469
00:20:30,634 --> 00:20:33,434
Archie, we can't
take that chance, not with our house!
470
00:20:33,434 --> 00:20:34,934
Please, Archie!
471
00:20:34,934 --> 00:20:38,300
Wait! How ya gonna
get ahead in life if you don't take a chance?
472
00:20:38,300 --> 00:20:39,801
Oh, gee,
why do you always--
473
00:20:39,801 --> 00:20:41,767
Ya gotta have
some confidence in me here, Edith.
474
00:20:41,767 --> 00:20:43,767
I know what I'm doin'.
Don't worry about it.
475
00:20:43,767 --> 00:20:45,934
Please listen, Archie.
When I was a little girl--
476
00:20:45,934 --> 00:20:47,367
Don't make it
a long story, Edith.
477
00:20:47,367 --> 00:20:48,868
No, it ain't long.
478
00:20:48,868 --> 00:20:51,200
See, we was livin'
in the Depression...
479
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:52,300
It's so sad!
480
00:20:52,300 --> 00:20:54,234
...and my father
was so scared
481
00:20:54,234 --> 00:20:56,234
somebody'd come
and take away the house
482
00:20:56,234 --> 00:20:58,567
and we'd all have to go
on relief.
483
00:20:58,567 --> 00:21:01,000
Archie, I ain't
scared of much,
484
00:21:01,000 --> 00:21:04,067
but I'm sure scared
of losin' our home.
485
00:21:04,067 --> 00:21:05,601
Edith, please,
you bring up your father.
486
00:21:05,601 --> 00:21:07,734
In the first place,
he's in his grave, Edith.
487
00:21:07,734 --> 00:21:10,634
In the second place,
he was a dope, and I ain't.
488
00:21:10,634 --> 00:21:12,133
Now, Edith,
sit down here.
489
00:21:12,133 --> 00:21:14,634
Sit down and let me
explain it to ya here.
490
00:21:14,634 --> 00:21:15,901
Just sit down.
491
00:21:15,901 --> 00:21:17,334
You don't have to worry
about nothin'.
492
00:21:17,334 --> 00:21:19,200
I brought this home
from the bank.
493
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:21,334
It's all perfectly legal.
People do this every day.
494
00:21:21,334 --> 00:21:22,467
What is that?
What is it?
495
00:21:22,467 --> 00:21:24,567
This is just a document
from the bank,
496
00:21:24,567 --> 00:21:26,767
and all ya gotta do is
to put your name down here.
497
00:21:26,767 --> 00:21:27,834
Now, listen--
498
00:21:27,834 --> 00:21:29,434
but don't be readin'
the fine print.
499
00:21:29,434 --> 00:21:31,400
It'll make
your eyeballs bounce.
500
00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:34,067
- Just sign it there.
- What is it?
501
00:21:34,067 --> 00:21:35,434
I told you, it's from
the bank, Edith.
502
00:21:35,434 --> 00:21:36,901
When you sign it there,
503
00:21:36,901 --> 00:21:39,000
you probably get some kind of
premium gift they give away--
504
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,000
you know, a pack
of ballpoint pens
505
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:42,067
or somethin' like that,
506
00:21:42,067 --> 00:21:43,300
or a waffle iron,
507
00:21:43,300 --> 00:21:44,734
or one of them
digitalis clocks or somethin',
508
00:21:44,734 --> 00:21:45,734
so just sign.
509
00:21:45,734 --> 00:21:47,934
"Residential loan
appli--"
510
00:21:47,934 --> 00:21:49,033
Mortgage!
511
00:21:49,033 --> 00:21:52,501
Oh, no, Archie, no!
I can't sign that!
512
00:21:52,501 --> 00:21:55,200
No, we ain't
mortgagin' our house!
513
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:57,767
I mean, it's my house
too, you know.
514
00:21:57,767 --> 00:21:59,300
Now, listen,
let me tell you somethin'.
515
00:21:59,300 --> 00:22:00,901
I sweat my britches off
for this here house.
516
00:22:00,901 --> 00:22:02,901
I didn't hear you
complainin' all them years
517
00:22:02,901 --> 00:22:05,067
that I'm pourin' all my
hard-earned money into the house.
518
00:22:05,067 --> 00:22:06,901
Now I want to take
a little money out of the house,
519
00:22:06,901 --> 00:22:08,000
you're against that.
520
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:09,367
Why, when this is a thing
that I want?
521
00:22:09,367 --> 00:22:11,167
I need this!
I gotta have this!
522
00:22:11,167 --> 00:22:14,601
No, Archie, I'm sorry.
I can't sign it!
523
00:22:14,601 --> 00:22:15,734
Wait a minute!
524
00:22:15,734 --> 00:22:19,234
Wait a minute!
Wait a minute there!
525
00:22:19,234 --> 00:22:21,100
What the hell
has happened to you?
526
00:22:21,100 --> 00:22:22,868
You used to be
a quiet little--
527
00:22:22,868 --> 00:22:25,300
sometimes you'd think
you was a Japanese girl.
528
00:22:26,367 --> 00:22:27,434
I don't know.
529
00:22:27,434 --> 00:22:29,400
I guess
I'm different now,
530
00:22:29,400 --> 00:22:34,701
and I ain't gonna let
nobody take our house!
531
00:22:34,701 --> 00:22:37,601
[MOCKING]
I ain't gonna let nobody take away our house!
532
00:22:37,601 --> 00:22:39,434
[DOOR CLOSES UPSTAIRS]
533
00:22:39,434 --> 00:22:42,801
This is all the fault
of that Helen Curly Steinway!
534
00:22:50,367 --> 00:22:51,300
Ohh!
535
00:23:03,200 --> 00:23:04,133
Ooh.
536
00:23:10,901 --> 00:23:12,834
[OBJECTS RATTLE LOUDLY]
537
00:23:54,033 --> 00:23:55,534
Edith. "E"...
538
00:23:55,534 --> 00:23:57,067
"D"...
539
00:23:58,534 --> 00:23:59,767
"IT."
540
00:24:03,534 --> 00:24:06,534
You're gonna thank me
for this one of these days,
541
00:24:06,534 --> 00:24:08,534
Edith Bunker.
542
00:24:08,534 --> 00:24:11,868
"B...U...N..."
543
00:24:11,868 --> 00:24:14,334
...ker"
544
00:24:28,100 --> 00:24:30,000
Ma, can I have
some more pancakes?
545
00:24:30,000 --> 00:24:32,033
Oh, sure, Mike.
546
00:24:32,033 --> 00:24:33,467
Ma!
Ma, where you goin'?
547
00:24:33,467 --> 00:24:34,834
They're
right over here.
548
00:24:34,834 --> 00:24:36,767
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
549
00:24:36,767 --> 00:24:37,834
Here ya are.
550
00:24:37,834 --> 00:24:39,033
Thanks.
551
00:24:40,100 --> 00:24:42,767
Ma, syrup, please.
552
00:24:43,868 --> 00:24:45,234
No, thank you.
553
00:24:51,100 --> 00:24:52,434
- Here you are, honey.
- Thanks.
554
00:24:52,434 --> 00:24:54,834
ARCHIE: Ah,
this is awful! Ow!
555
00:24:54,834 --> 00:24:56,400
What's he doing
up there?
556
00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:59,167
I think he's trying to get
his 50th shave out of the same blade.
557
00:25:00,601 --> 00:25:02,434
[ARCHIE MOANS LOUDLY]
558
00:25:02,434 --> 00:25:03,801
Guess he didn't make it.
559
00:25:04,934 --> 00:25:07,234
Where did Sybil Gooley
take Joey, Ma?
560
00:25:07,234 --> 00:25:09,133
That saloon.
561
00:25:09,133 --> 00:25:10,701
The saloon?
562
00:25:10,701 --> 00:25:13,267
I hate that place.
563
00:25:13,267 --> 00:25:15,534
She took Joey
to Kelcy's?
564
00:25:16,634 --> 00:25:19,033
Who took Joey
to Kelcy's?
565
00:25:19,033 --> 00:25:20,868
Sybil Gooley?
566
00:25:20,868 --> 00:25:23,934
Sybil Gooley took Joey
to Kelcy's bar?
567
00:25:23,934 --> 00:25:25,534
Well, that's what
you just said!
568
00:25:25,534 --> 00:25:28,033
I told her to take him
to the park!
569
00:25:28,033 --> 00:25:30,167
Why would she do
a thing like that?
570
00:25:30,167 --> 00:25:33,300
Hold it! Hold it!
Hold it! Hold it!
571
00:25:33,300 --> 00:25:34,901
She took him
to the park.
572
00:25:34,901 --> 00:25:36,334
Are you sure?
573
00:25:36,334 --> 00:25:38,567
Well, that's where
Ma told her to take him.
574
00:25:38,567 --> 00:25:40,734
You just got each other
all mixed up here.
575
00:25:40,734 --> 00:25:42,801
Ma, Ma, what is
the matter with you?
576
00:25:42,801 --> 00:25:46,234
Well, I want to know
how Archie got $20,000
577
00:25:46,234 --> 00:25:48,200
to buy Kelcy's bar!
578
00:25:48,200 --> 00:25:52,534
I mean, he couldn't
mortgage the house without me signing.
579
00:25:52,534 --> 00:25:55,167
He must've borrowed
from his friends.
580
00:25:55,167 --> 00:25:56,100
What friends?
581
00:25:57,934 --> 00:26:00,100
Daddy has dozens
of friends--
582
00:26:00,100 --> 00:26:01,868
Hank, Pinky, Barney.
583
00:26:01,868 --> 00:26:05,467
Any one of them
would have to give an IOU to a mugger!
584
00:26:06,634 --> 00:26:08,868
Maybe he borrowed
on his GI insurance.
585
00:26:08,868 --> 00:26:11,434
Oh, he couldn't do that.
He didn't keep it up.
586
00:26:11,434 --> 00:26:12,634
Why not?
587
00:26:12,634 --> 00:26:14,434
He said that if he died,
588
00:26:14,434 --> 00:26:17,634
he didn't want me to be
stuck with the premiums.
589
00:26:24,434 --> 00:26:26,601
I hope he didn't go
to a shark.
590
00:26:26,601 --> 00:26:27,667
A shark!
591
00:26:27,667 --> 00:26:29,400
You know, Ma,
a loan shark.
592
00:26:29,400 --> 00:26:30,834
One of these guys.
593
00:26:31,968 --> 00:26:33,033
ARCHIE: Edith!
594
00:26:33,033 --> 00:26:34,601
- You ask him.
- Okay.
595
00:26:34,601 --> 00:26:37,801
Edith, will ya look
at me standing here?
596
00:26:41,734 --> 00:26:44,133
Will you look at
that poor face on me here?
597
00:26:44,133 --> 00:26:46,634
How many times
have I begged you on hands and knees,
598
00:26:46,634 --> 00:26:48,567
never use my razor?
599
00:26:48,567 --> 00:26:50,901
Did you go
to a loan shark?
600
00:26:50,901 --> 00:26:52,701
Can't you say
hello first?
601
00:26:52,701 --> 00:26:55,334
Hello. Did you go
to a loan shark?
602
00:26:55,334 --> 00:26:57,534
Hello. None of
your damn business.
603
00:26:57,534 --> 00:26:58,834
Archie,
I'd like to know.
604
00:26:58,834 --> 00:27:01,167
- Yeah, Daddy.
- All right, wait--
605
00:27:01,167 --> 00:27:03,234
Now, wait a minute!
Listen to me, all of youse.
606
00:27:03,234 --> 00:27:05,300
I done a hard day's
work yesterday, right?
607
00:27:05,300 --> 00:27:07,267
I drove a cab
until 12 midnight.
608
00:27:07,267 --> 00:27:08,767
From 12 midnight
till 4 a.m.,
609
00:27:08,767 --> 00:27:11,434
I'm down at my new saloon
going over the inventory.
610
00:27:11,434 --> 00:27:14,734
I'm in no mood
to play 120 questions with nobody.
611
00:27:14,734 --> 00:27:16,367
Did you go to a loan shark?
612
00:27:16,367 --> 00:27:18,534
I already told you,
I went to the bank.
613
00:27:18,534 --> 00:27:21,501
Why would a bank
lend you $20,000?
614
00:27:21,501 --> 00:27:23,501
'Cause without
toilet paper all over it,
615
00:27:23,501 --> 00:27:25,634
I got an honest face.
616
00:27:28,434 --> 00:27:30,200
What did you use
for collateral?
617
00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:34,067
"Collateral"!
That's an awful big word for a little girl.
618
00:27:34,067 --> 00:27:36,501
Come on! What'd you
put up for security?
619
00:27:36,501 --> 00:27:38,033
I put up
you and Joey!
620
00:27:38,033 --> 00:27:42,100
I'm gonna find out
what you used for collateral!
621
00:27:42,100 --> 00:27:43,901
Oh, he's biting
my hand!
622
00:27:43,901 --> 00:27:45,400
[ALL YELLING]
623
00:27:45,400 --> 00:27:47,200
Would you cut it out?
624
00:27:47,200 --> 00:27:48,968
What's the matter
with you?
625
00:27:48,968 --> 00:27:50,701
Since she's 3 years old,
626
00:27:50,701 --> 00:27:53,300
she's been doing that
to my fingers.
627
00:27:53,300 --> 00:27:55,901
She does it to my toes.
628
00:27:55,901 --> 00:27:57,067
How did you
get that loan?
629
00:27:57,067 --> 00:27:58,501
Michael says
there's no way--
630
00:27:58,501 --> 00:28:00,801
"Michael says,
Michael says, Michael says."
631
00:28:00,801 --> 00:28:03,734
It's a wonder a guy
who's always got his mouth so full
632
00:28:03,734 --> 00:28:06,734
can squeeze out
so many words between the food.
633
00:28:06,734 --> 00:28:10,100
That's so funny.
That is so funny.
634
00:28:11,200 --> 00:28:13,300
He's doing it
for us there!
635
00:28:13,300 --> 00:28:15,100
Could you swallow,
honey.
636
00:28:15,100 --> 00:28:16,434
All I know
637
00:28:16,434 --> 00:28:18,968
is there is something rotten
in the state of Denmark.
638
00:28:18,968 --> 00:28:20,601
Ah, listen to
the big professor!
639
00:28:20,601 --> 00:28:22,167
Denmark
ain't no state, buddy,
640
00:28:22,167 --> 00:28:24,267
it's the capital
of Colorado, all right?
641
00:28:26,367 --> 00:28:27,734
Daddy!
642
00:28:27,734 --> 00:28:29,100
Aahhh!
643
00:28:29,100 --> 00:28:31,334
Stuck a cotton-pickin' fork
into my finger here!
644
00:28:31,334 --> 00:28:33,267
I want to see
that loan agreement!
645
00:28:33,267 --> 00:28:35,100
You ain't got no right
to see nothin'!
646
00:28:35,100 --> 00:28:37,100
Your mother's got a right
to see the loan agreement,
647
00:28:37,100 --> 00:28:38,367
but she don't wanna see it
648
00:28:38,367 --> 00:28:40,367
because she trusts
her husband, right?
649
00:28:40,367 --> 00:28:41,734
- Yes, I do.
- Huh huh huh!
650
00:28:41,734 --> 00:28:45,000
I mean I do wanna see
the loan agreement!
651
00:28:45,000 --> 00:28:46,901
Huh huh huh!
652
00:28:48,000 --> 00:28:49,467
Well, you ain't
gonna see it!
653
00:28:49,467 --> 00:28:52,100
I don't carry important
documents around on me.
654
00:28:52,100 --> 00:28:55,000
- Where is it?
- I lost it.
655
00:28:55,000 --> 00:28:57,667
You lost an important
document like that?
656
00:28:57,667 --> 00:29:00,133
Well, how do you know
I didn't put it into a strongbox?
657
00:29:00,133 --> 00:29:01,501
You don't have
a strongbox.
658
00:29:01,501 --> 00:29:03,100
We've got a cigar box.
659
00:29:03,100 --> 00:29:04,901
And a damn strong one!
660
00:29:04,901 --> 00:29:06,300
I'll go get it!
661
00:29:06,300 --> 00:29:07,701
No, wait!
Wait, wait, wait!
662
00:29:07,701 --> 00:29:09,734
Stop, stop, stop, Edith!
663
00:29:09,734 --> 00:29:12,133
I didn't say
I put it up there, did I?
664
00:29:12,133 --> 00:29:15,634
Archie, you're acting like
you done something wrong.
665
00:29:15,634 --> 00:29:17,367
Edith, Edith,
there ain't nothin' wrong.
666
00:29:17,367 --> 00:29:19,234
I swear
on my mother's life.
667
00:29:19,234 --> 00:29:21,100
Your mother is dead.
668
00:29:22,167 --> 00:29:24,000
I swear on her grave,
then.
669
00:29:24,000 --> 00:29:25,734
She was cremated.
670
00:29:25,734 --> 00:29:27,234
All right, Edith,
671
00:29:27,234 --> 00:29:30,434
I swear on her jar,
for God's sakes!
672
00:29:30,434 --> 00:29:33,300
You know as much
about that loan as you need to know.
673
00:29:33,300 --> 00:29:34,701
It's a $20,000 loan,
674
00:29:34,701 --> 00:29:37,701
at eight and a half
percent interest "piranha."
675
00:29:37,701 --> 00:29:40,167
Sounds an awful lot
like a mortgage to me.
676
00:29:40,167 --> 00:29:42,000
Ah...
[BLOWS RASPBERRY] ...to you!
677
00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:43,300
Do you
have to do that?
678
00:29:43,300 --> 00:29:45,801
It's such
a no-class thing.
679
00:29:45,801 --> 00:29:47,834
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
680
00:29:51,467 --> 00:29:53,067
I don't understand it.
681
00:29:53,067 --> 00:29:55,300
You couldn't possibly
have gotten a mortgage
682
00:29:55,300 --> 00:29:57,734
unless somehow
you got Ma's signature
683
00:29:57,734 --> 00:30:00,667
on a piece of...
paper...
684
00:30:07,567 --> 00:30:08,734
What the hell
you staring at?
685
00:30:10,501 --> 00:30:12,567
Don't you give me
the finger there!
686
00:30:13,834 --> 00:30:16,300
Eat, eat, eat,
eat, eat!
687
00:30:18,000 --> 00:30:20,100
Michael,
are you suggesting
688
00:30:20,100 --> 00:30:22,801
that Daddy forged
Ma's signature?
689
00:30:22,801 --> 00:30:26,834
Oh, Archie
would never do that!
690
00:30:47,601 --> 00:30:49,734
Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up!
691
00:30:50,801 --> 00:30:54,634
I want to see that paper.
692
00:30:54,634 --> 00:30:57,934
I want you to go home
and clean your room.
693
00:30:57,934 --> 00:30:59,901
Gloria, maybe
we'd better go.
694
00:30:59,901 --> 00:31:00,968
I have classes today.
695
00:31:00,968 --> 00:31:02,033
On Saturday?
696
00:31:02,033 --> 00:31:03,534
Yeah, Saturday classes,
honey. Come on.
697
00:31:03,534 --> 00:31:05,100
Ma, thanks a lot
for the breakfast.
698
00:31:05,100 --> 00:31:06,534
I won't forget
you bit me.
699
00:31:06,534 --> 00:31:07,801
Don't come back.
700
00:31:11,067 --> 00:31:12,234
Archie!
701
00:31:12,234 --> 00:31:13,868
Edith, I only got
one thing to say
702
00:31:13,868 --> 00:31:16,033
before I gotta get
down to work at the saloon.
703
00:31:16,033 --> 00:31:17,567
Now, them two young people,
704
00:31:17,567 --> 00:31:20,234
they got their own home
right across the alley there,
705
00:31:20,234 --> 00:31:22,300
and I think it's a damn shame
706
00:31:22,300 --> 00:31:25,601
every Saturday morning
they hang their noses out the window,
707
00:31:25,601 --> 00:31:27,300
and they smell you
making the pancakes,
708
00:31:27,300 --> 00:31:28,767
and they trot over here
709
00:31:28,767 --> 00:31:31,934
with their tongues
hanging out like a couple of dogs.
710
00:31:31,934 --> 00:31:33,167
Now, that ain't right!
711
00:31:33,167 --> 00:31:35,200
I ask you, don't you
agree with me? Yes or no?
712
00:31:35,200 --> 00:31:37,567
Did you sign my name?
713
00:31:37,567 --> 00:31:39,968
You didn't answer
my question, Edith.
714
00:31:39,968 --> 00:31:41,167
Did you?
715
00:31:44,767 --> 00:31:47,801
Edith, that ain't
an important question at this time.
716
00:31:47,801 --> 00:31:48,868
Archie!
717
00:31:48,868 --> 00:31:51,300
How could you do that?
718
00:31:54,167 --> 00:31:55,667
Now, take it easy, Edith.
719
00:31:55,667 --> 00:31:57,968
Now, don't get yourself
all excited,
720
00:31:57,968 --> 00:31:59,334
'cause I want to remind you,
721
00:31:59,334 --> 00:32:01,133
the loan agreement
was there in front of us,
722
00:32:01,133 --> 00:32:02,534
and you run away from me--
723
00:32:02,534 --> 00:32:04,634
you leave me
with the pen in my hand.
724
00:32:04,634 --> 00:32:07,100
Now, my signature
was already on there,
725
00:32:07,100 --> 00:32:09,734
so there wasn't
any sense in putting it on there again, right?
726
00:32:09,734 --> 00:32:11,968
The line called
for your signature,
727
00:32:11,968 --> 00:32:13,601
Edith Bunker, see?
728
00:32:13,601 --> 00:32:16,000
And, uh, there was
nobody else around to sign it,
729
00:32:16,000 --> 00:32:18,133
so, uh...
730
00:32:18,133 --> 00:32:19,667
ipso "fatso"...
731
00:32:21,033 --> 00:32:23,801
All I done was take
an old check from the drawer
732
00:32:23,801 --> 00:32:25,367
with your signature
on it there
733
00:32:25,367 --> 00:32:27,734
and I brung it over here
and I traced the thing.
734
00:32:28,834 --> 00:32:30,767
That's forgery!
735
00:32:30,767 --> 00:32:32,367
No, it's tracery.
736
00:32:34,434 --> 00:32:37,100
You signed my name!
737
00:32:37,100 --> 00:32:38,167
I had to do it.
738
00:32:38,167 --> 00:32:42,167
You signed away
my half of this house!
739
00:32:42,167 --> 00:32:44,934
Oh, gee, Edith,
I knew it would make you happy in the years to come.
740
00:32:44,934 --> 00:32:46,100
Edith, listen to me--
741
00:32:46,100 --> 00:32:48,434
- Don't call me Edith!
- Why not?
742
00:32:48,434 --> 00:32:50,100
There ain't no more Edith.
743
00:32:50,100 --> 00:32:52,701
I mean, you signed
my name away!
744
00:32:52,701 --> 00:32:54,767
Oh, come on, will you?
745
00:32:54,767 --> 00:32:55,834
Edith ain't nowhere!
746
00:32:55,834 --> 00:32:57,601
What are you
talking about?
747
00:32:57,601 --> 00:32:58,767
What is it--?
748
00:32:58,767 --> 00:33:00,767
What are you talking about,
your name?
749
00:33:00,767 --> 00:33:01,834
Like the guy says,
750
00:33:01,834 --> 00:33:03,067
"A rose by any other name,
751
00:33:03,067 --> 00:33:04,901
still, it needs water."
752
00:33:04,901 --> 00:33:06,634
You took my name!
753
00:33:06,634 --> 00:33:08,200
Edith, Edith,
this never woulda happened
754
00:33:08,200 --> 00:33:09,801
if you'd-a stood
by me out there.
755
00:33:09,801 --> 00:33:11,634
And y-you run away.
756
00:33:11,634 --> 00:33:14,467
Now, listen, Edith,
I didn't do it just for me. I done it for you too.
757
00:33:14,467 --> 00:33:16,868
What do you want to be
the rest of your life, a nobody little housewife?
758
00:33:16,868 --> 00:33:18,367
I'm raising you up
in society.
759
00:33:18,367 --> 00:33:21,234
You'll be the wife
of a saloon keeper there, Edith!
760
00:33:21,234 --> 00:33:22,634
You know, we're gonna
do great things.
761
00:33:22,634 --> 00:33:24,434
We're gonna bring help
into the house for you--
762
00:33:24,434 --> 00:33:26,300
a brand-new
vacuum cleaner, Edith,
763
00:33:26,300 --> 00:33:28,467
with all the latest
attractions there--
764
00:33:28,467 --> 00:33:31,901
you know, a long pipe
that sucks the drapes and everything.
765
00:33:31,901 --> 00:33:33,467
Edith, come on.
766
00:33:33,467 --> 00:33:34,634
This is gonna mean
money to us.
767
00:33:34,634 --> 00:33:36,000
We'll be able to leave
a little dough
768
00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:37,167
to our grandchild.
769
00:33:37,167 --> 00:33:39,601
Poor Joey!
770
00:33:39,601 --> 00:33:42,734
His grandfather
is a forger!
771
00:33:42,734 --> 00:33:45,100
A tracer, I told you,
a tracer!
772
00:33:45,100 --> 00:33:46,901
Well, I ain't
gonna stay here
773
00:33:46,901 --> 00:33:49,601
and have you
hurt my feelings.
774
00:33:49,601 --> 00:33:51,434
I got work to do
down at my saloon.
775
00:33:51,434 --> 00:33:53,267
Well, you'd better go
down to your saloon
776
00:33:53,267 --> 00:33:54,767
and tell 'em down there
777
00:33:54,767 --> 00:33:57,300
that your wife
is married to a forger,
778
00:33:57,300 --> 00:34:00,234
and that your daughter
has a father for a forger,
779
00:34:00,234 --> 00:34:02,234
and your son-in-law's
father-in-law's a forger!
780
00:34:02,234 --> 00:34:04,434
Let me tell you
one thing, Edith Bunker!
781
00:34:04,434 --> 00:34:06,434
If you ain't got
no concern
782
00:34:06,434 --> 00:34:09,100
for the next 40,
50 years of your life,
783
00:34:09,100 --> 00:34:11,467
you ought to thank God that
you have a husband who has!
784
00:34:11,467 --> 00:34:15,801
You ain't got no right
to worry about my life in the next 50 years!
785
00:34:15,801 --> 00:34:17,033
I'll do that!
786
00:34:17,033 --> 00:34:18,200
Well, when are you
gonna do it?
787
00:34:18,200 --> 00:34:19,467
I don't know,
788
00:34:19,467 --> 00:34:22,968
but I'll work that out
myself, thank you.
789
00:34:22,968 --> 00:34:24,234
And wait a minute!
790
00:34:24,234 --> 00:34:26,300
You'd better figure out
how you're gonna get
791
00:34:26,300 --> 00:34:28,300
my half of this house back!
792
00:34:28,300 --> 00:34:29,367
Aww!
793
00:34:29,367 --> 00:34:31,801
Wait a minute! I think--
794
00:34:31,801 --> 00:34:35,601
I--I think you got
one hell of a nerve!
795
00:34:56,000 --> 00:34:57,000
[CLEARS THROAT]
796
00:34:57,000 --> 00:34:59,667
Oh! Oh! Oh, hi, Mike.
797
00:34:59,667 --> 00:35:02,334
Oh, what did you say?
798
00:35:02,334 --> 00:35:04,601
I said...
[CLEARS THROAT]
799
00:35:04,601 --> 00:35:06,968
Oh, that's nice.
800
00:35:09,267 --> 00:35:10,200
Ma.
801
00:35:12,434 --> 00:35:13,501
You all right?
802
00:35:13,501 --> 00:35:15,100
[SHAKEN]
Yeah.
803
00:35:15,100 --> 00:35:16,434
You want some cake?
804
00:35:16,434 --> 00:35:18,167
No, thanks, Ma.
805
00:35:18,167 --> 00:35:19,667
Are you all right?
806
00:35:24,167 --> 00:35:25,501
Ma, what's the matter?
807
00:35:31,834 --> 00:35:33,968
He forged my name.
808
00:35:35,667 --> 00:35:38,501
I've been married
to Archie for 30 years.
809
00:35:38,501 --> 00:35:41,534
I never thought he'd do
a thing like that.
810
00:35:42,634 --> 00:35:44,267
What are you gonna do, Ma?
811
00:35:44,267 --> 00:35:45,701
You gonna throw him
in jail?
812
00:35:45,701 --> 00:35:48,734
Oh, no,
I couldn't do that.
813
00:35:48,734 --> 00:35:50,767
Then you're gonna have
to learn to live with it.
814
00:35:56,033 --> 00:35:58,033
I don't know how.
815
00:35:58,033 --> 00:36:01,200
Ma...
816
00:36:01,200 --> 00:36:04,701
Archie must have
wanted that bar awfully bad
817
00:36:04,701 --> 00:36:08,634
to do a terrible thing
like he did, right?
818
00:36:08,634 --> 00:36:10,634
Yeah.
819
00:36:10,634 --> 00:36:13,701
Remember what you
once said to me in this kitchen?
820
00:36:15,133 --> 00:36:17,467
You told me
that the only reason
821
00:36:17,467 --> 00:36:19,501
that Archie got mad
at me all the time
822
00:36:19,501 --> 00:36:22,000
was because he was jealous
823
00:36:22,000 --> 00:36:25,834
of the fact that I had
all the opportunities that he never had.
824
00:36:25,834 --> 00:36:28,200
He resented me because...
825
00:36:28,200 --> 00:36:31,534
he never had a chance
to better himself.
826
00:36:31,534 --> 00:36:33,767
Well, now he's got
that chance, Ma.
827
00:36:33,767 --> 00:36:35,901
In Archie's mind,
828
00:36:35,901 --> 00:36:39,000
it's--it's a chance
for him to be somebody,
829
00:36:39,000 --> 00:36:42,801
and, uh, I don't think you can
take that away from him.
830
00:36:44,934 --> 00:36:48,534
But what if he
don't make a go of it?
831
00:36:48,534 --> 00:36:50,934
Then he's gonna need
your support more than ever.
832
00:36:52,100 --> 00:36:54,934
But who knows?
Maybe he will.
833
00:36:54,934 --> 00:36:57,100
It could be a success.
834
00:36:57,100 --> 00:36:59,067
Miracles can happen, Ma.
835
00:37:01,968 --> 00:37:06,234
Remember, the Mets
won the World Series in 1969.
836
00:37:09,234 --> 00:37:13,734
Oh, it's just like
my cousin Mildred,
837
00:37:13,734 --> 00:37:15,734
from Bay Ridge.
838
00:37:15,734 --> 00:37:19,067
See, she was married
to Mr. Brown,
839
00:37:19,067 --> 00:37:22,567
and Mr. Brown had a dream.
840
00:37:22,567 --> 00:37:26,234
See, he always wanted
a used car lot,
841
00:37:26,234 --> 00:37:28,734
'cause he wanted to wear
a coonskin cap
842
00:37:28,734 --> 00:37:30,968
and do
television commercials.
843
00:37:32,033 --> 00:37:33,734
And they did it!
844
00:37:33,734 --> 00:37:37,701
Him and Mildred
mortgaged their house,
845
00:37:37,701 --> 00:37:40,334
and they opened
a used car lot.
846
00:37:40,334 --> 00:37:42,834
And there he was on TV,
847
00:37:42,834 --> 00:37:45,400
wiping the prices
off the windshields
848
00:37:45,400 --> 00:37:49,767
and hollering,
"No cash down with Coonskin Brown."
849
00:37:51,434 --> 00:37:54,200
See? And he made
a fortune, right?
850
00:37:54,200 --> 00:37:56,567
No, he went broke.
851
00:37:59,133 --> 00:38:03,601
But still,
he had his dream.
852
00:38:05,234 --> 00:38:07,501
Oh, Mike.
853
00:38:07,501 --> 00:38:10,367
Thank you!
854
00:38:10,367 --> 00:38:11,767
You know something, Ma?
855
00:38:11,767 --> 00:38:12,834
What?
856
00:38:12,834 --> 00:38:15,868
I'd like
some of that cake.
857
00:38:15,868 --> 00:38:17,801
Oh, yeah!
858
00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:26,834
Six Cutty,
six Fleischmann's, Arch.
859
00:38:28,968 --> 00:38:30,734
A case of Ambassador.
860
00:38:32,801 --> 00:38:34,100
Arch.
861
00:38:34,100 --> 00:38:37,934
Six V.O.,
six Fleischmann's, a case of Ambassador.
862
00:38:37,934 --> 00:38:39,033
Archie!
863
00:38:39,033 --> 00:38:41,167
I heard ya.
864
00:38:41,167 --> 00:38:42,567
Hey, Carlos,
865
00:38:42,567 --> 00:38:43,634
go--go on back down.
866
00:38:43,634 --> 00:38:45,033
I'll be with ya
in a couple of minutes.
867
00:38:45,033 --> 00:38:45,968
All right, Harry.
868
00:38:50,567 --> 00:38:52,968
What's the matter, Arch?
Ain't ya feelin' good?
869
00:38:52,968 --> 00:38:56,400
Ahh, it ain't me.
It's Edith.
870
00:38:56,400 --> 00:38:57,467
What, she sick?
871
00:38:57,467 --> 00:38:59,734
Yes, she's sick--
of me.
872
00:38:59,734 --> 00:39:01,234
Oh. Her too, huh?
873
00:39:01,234 --> 00:39:02,901
Ha ha ha ha ha.
874
00:39:04,534 --> 00:39:06,567
Step away from me,
will ya, barkeep?
875
00:39:06,567 --> 00:39:08,567
And when you're over there,
get me a bourbon.
876
00:39:08,567 --> 00:39:11,067
- Comin' up.
- Come to think of it...
877
00:39:11,067 --> 00:39:12,968
...it's the first time
I ever ordered a drink in here
878
00:39:12,968 --> 00:39:15,167
I didn't have to reach
in my own pocket and pay.
879
00:39:15,167 --> 00:39:16,801
You're the boss.
880
00:39:16,801 --> 00:39:19,400
'Course, you could
leave a gratuity.
881
00:39:19,400 --> 00:39:22,367
I ain't leavin' nothin',
not even a tip.
882
00:39:29,067 --> 00:39:32,334
Uh, Arch, I'm, uh--
883
00:39:32,334 --> 00:39:34,000
I'm gonna go on down
and, uh,
884
00:39:34,000 --> 00:39:36,834
help Carlos check out
the rest of the cases, huh?
885
00:39:36,834 --> 00:39:38,100
Eh, go ahead.
886
00:39:44,434 --> 00:39:46,434
Are ya open for business?
887
00:39:50,367 --> 00:39:51,968
Well, no, we ain't.
888
00:39:56,567 --> 00:39:58,667
Well, uh...
889
00:40:00,133 --> 00:40:02,901
uh...I mean--
I mean, we could be open, you know?
890
00:40:02,901 --> 00:40:06,400
Uh, I'm the boss,
and what I say goes.
891
00:40:06,400 --> 00:40:09,067
Yeah, yeah, we're, uh--
892
00:40:09,067 --> 00:40:11,234
we're open
for business here.
893
00:40:11,234 --> 00:40:13,868
What'll it be there,
good-lookin'?
894
00:40:17,601 --> 00:40:19,033
Lemonade.
895
00:40:24,334 --> 00:40:26,801
It ain't
a health-food bar, Edith.
896
00:40:26,801 --> 00:40:30,734
Can't you order something
with a little pazazz?
897
00:40:30,734 --> 00:40:32,400
Beer?
898
00:40:32,400 --> 00:40:34,334
Yeah!
Yeah, a beer!
899
00:40:34,334 --> 00:40:36,267
Park ya carcass
there on the stool.
900
00:40:37,334 --> 00:40:39,834
Yeah, be right
with ya there.
901
00:40:39,834 --> 00:40:42,634
Well, it's nice
to see you drinkin' so early in the mornin'.
902
00:40:44,834 --> 00:40:46,501
No, never reach,
never reach, Edith.
903
00:40:46,501 --> 00:40:47,734
Wait'll the bartender
puts up
904
00:40:47,734 --> 00:40:50,667
one of these little
doilies for you. See?
905
00:40:50,667 --> 00:40:52,734
First thing
that goes up there is the peanuts,
906
00:40:52,734 --> 00:40:55,634
and then a couple
of nappies for you there, see?
907
00:40:55,634 --> 00:40:58,934
Oh! You did that
so nice!
908
00:41:00,033 --> 00:41:00,968
I did?
909
00:41:04,033 --> 00:41:05,701
Listen, I can really be
910
00:41:05,701 --> 00:41:07,601
a success
in this business, Edith.
911
00:41:07,601 --> 00:41:09,200
I mean it, now.
912
00:41:09,200 --> 00:41:12,501
See, all I need to be
is a great host,
913
00:41:12,501 --> 00:41:14,133
and all I need to be
for that
914
00:41:14,133 --> 00:41:15,701
is just as gracious
915
00:41:15,701 --> 00:41:18,067
as ever I was
in our own home.
916
00:41:21,968 --> 00:41:25,200
Whaddya gotta do for that?
Lemme show ya.
917
00:41:25,200 --> 00:41:26,300
First of all,
918
00:41:26,300 --> 00:41:27,567
people come
in the front door,
919
00:41:27,567 --> 00:41:29,834
you don't stand
behind the bar like a lump.
920
00:41:29,834 --> 00:41:32,000
Ya hop out
from behind the bar,
921
00:41:32,000 --> 00:41:33,400
big smile on the face,
922
00:41:33,400 --> 00:41:34,634
and greet the people
at the door.
923
00:41:34,634 --> 00:41:36,400
Step right in,
ladies and gents!
924
00:41:36,400 --> 00:41:37,767
What is it you want?
A table for four?
925
00:41:37,767 --> 00:41:40,901
Well, it just so happens
we have one free right over here.
926
00:41:40,901 --> 00:41:41,901
Be seated.
927
00:41:41,901 --> 00:41:43,901
Oh, no, sir,
you don't give me a tip.
928
00:41:43,901 --> 00:41:47,400
You're lookin' at
the "entre-manure" here, huh?
929
00:41:47,400 --> 00:41:48,467
Yes, madam, sit down.
930
00:41:48,467 --> 00:41:49,701
Then you seat
the lady, you know?
931
00:41:49,701 --> 00:41:51,567
Ya slip the chair
under her there.
932
00:41:51,567 --> 00:41:52,634
May I take your coat,
madam?
933
00:41:52,634 --> 00:41:54,033
No, you don't
have to rise
934
00:41:54,033 --> 00:41:55,100
to have your coat
taken.
935
00:41:55,100 --> 00:41:56,167
I can take
the coat off a lady
936
00:41:56,167 --> 00:41:58,033
while she's sittin' down.
937
00:42:00,133 --> 00:42:01,968
Don't worry
about your garment, madam.
938
00:42:01,968 --> 00:42:03,100
We watch everything here.
939
00:42:03,100 --> 00:42:04,434
Edith, look who's
comin' in the door!
940
00:42:04,434 --> 00:42:05,667
W-who?
941
00:42:05,667 --> 00:42:07,367
Hank, Pinky, and Barney,
they're coming in.
942
00:42:07,367 --> 00:42:08,434
They're big drinkers.
943
00:42:08,434 --> 00:42:10,334
Come on, boys,
belly up to the bar.
944
00:42:10,334 --> 00:42:11,400
Get your money out.
945
00:42:11,400 --> 00:42:12,667
See? That's the way
you do it.
946
00:42:12,667 --> 00:42:14,367
See what's goin' on
in that corner over there?
947
00:42:14,367 --> 00:42:15,434
Oh... no.
948
00:42:15,434 --> 00:42:17,300
There's a man
gropin' a lady.
949
00:42:17,300 --> 00:42:18,701
Oh, Archie!
950
00:42:18,701 --> 00:42:20,100
He didn't even
bring her in here, see?
951
00:42:20,100 --> 00:42:21,634
He's an "interlooper."
952
00:42:22,701 --> 00:42:24,334
Hey, buddy over there!
953
00:42:24,334 --> 00:42:25,868
Take your hands
off the lady!
954
00:42:25,868 --> 00:42:27,934
She didn't come in here
to get picked up.
955
00:42:27,934 --> 00:42:30,868
She's just a friendly
little dignified neighborhood lush.
956
00:42:30,868 --> 00:42:32,534
Oh, Archie.
957
00:42:32,534 --> 00:42:35,400
Ya gotta handle all kinds
of situations there.
958
00:42:35,400 --> 00:42:36,334
Edith...
959
00:42:37,567 --> 00:42:40,968
I'm gonna be so happy
here in my own business.
960
00:42:40,968 --> 00:42:43,834
Oh, Archie,
I've been thinkin'...
961
00:42:43,834 --> 00:42:46,234
Please don't do
no more of that!
962
00:42:46,234 --> 00:42:49,067
I think that
I was too tough on ya,
963
00:42:49,067 --> 00:42:50,734
and I'm sorry.
964
00:42:54,234 --> 00:42:55,767
And you forgive me?
965
00:42:55,767 --> 00:42:58,200
Oh, of course, Archie.
966
00:42:58,200 --> 00:43:00,133
Will you forgive me?
967
00:43:00,133 --> 00:43:03,133
Oh, Edith,
you didn't do nothin' that I gotta forgive.
968
00:43:03,133 --> 00:43:06,334
All that who-ha
back at the house-- that was all my fault.
969
00:43:06,334 --> 00:43:10,801
Oh, no, it was my fault
for not helpin' you with your dream.
970
00:43:10,801 --> 00:43:13,367
It was my fault
for gamblin' everything we had
971
00:43:13,367 --> 00:43:15,033
and didn't even give you
a shake of the dice.
972
00:43:15,033 --> 00:43:18,734
No, it was my fault
for not understandin'.
973
00:43:18,734 --> 00:43:22,067
It was my fault
for forging your name!
974
00:43:22,067 --> 00:43:23,801
Yeah, that was your fault.
975
00:43:30,267 --> 00:43:33,634
Ya have to fling that
back in my face?
976
00:43:33,634 --> 00:43:36,801
Jeez, Edith,
you always do this!
977
00:43:36,801 --> 00:43:39,501
The first minute
we get something beautiful goin',
978
00:43:39,501 --> 00:43:40,634
you got a way
of sayin' things
979
00:43:40,634 --> 00:43:42,367
that just--I dunno--
980
00:43:42,367 --> 00:43:44,701
that just breaks
the whole "spill," ya know?
981
00:43:44,701 --> 00:43:46,701
Oh, I'm sorry, Archie.
982
00:43:46,701 --> 00:43:49,167
I--I won't mention it
again.
983
00:43:49,167 --> 00:43:51,033
- Never no more, huh?
- No, never.
984
00:43:51,033 --> 00:43:55,868
I promise never
to mention again that ya forged my name.
985
00:43:55,868 --> 00:43:59,033
Archie, remember
my cousin Mildred?
986
00:43:59,033 --> 00:44:01,367
With the one eye?
987
00:44:01,367 --> 00:44:03,968
No, no, that was
Myrtle in Cincinnati.
988
00:44:03,968 --> 00:44:05,367
This is Mildred,
from Bay Ridge.
989
00:44:05,367 --> 00:44:06,434
Aw, yeah, yeah.
990
00:44:06,434 --> 00:44:09,067
Well, she was married
to a Mr. Brown.
991
00:44:09,067 --> 00:44:10,834
Yeah, the guy that
fell off of the roof.
992
00:44:10,834 --> 00:44:12,334
Yeah, and he couldn't
remember nobody
993
00:44:12,334 --> 00:44:14,067
in his family no more.
994
00:44:14,067 --> 00:44:18,701
Well, see,
Mr. Brown had a dream.
995
00:44:18,701 --> 00:44:21,901
He wanted to open
a used car lot, remember?
996
00:44:21,901 --> 00:44:23,767
And go on TV and do
commercials, remember?
997
00:44:23,767 --> 00:44:25,434
I remember it.
998
00:44:25,434 --> 00:44:27,801
And he was hollerin',
"No cash down...
999
00:44:27,801 --> 00:44:29,634
BOTH:
...with Coonskin Brown."
1000
00:44:29,634 --> 00:44:33,133
Well, Archie,
you're just like him.
1001
00:44:33,133 --> 00:44:36,033
Whaddya mean I'm like him?
The man went out of business!
1002
00:44:36,033 --> 00:44:38,534
But, see, he had a dream!
1003
00:44:38,534 --> 00:44:39,868
I remember his dream.
1004
00:44:39,868 --> 00:44:42,467
He said that
Eleanor Roosevelt was his mother!
1005
00:44:44,033 --> 00:44:45,534
But she didn't know
nothin' about that.
1006
00:44:45,534 --> 00:44:47,334
See, Archie,
1007
00:44:47,334 --> 00:44:50,934
like Mildred
helped Coonskin Brown,
1008
00:44:50,934 --> 00:44:52,634
no matter what happens,
1009
00:44:52,634 --> 00:44:57,167
I want to help you
make your dream come true.
1010
00:45:10,300 --> 00:45:12,234
That's what I need--
more of that.
1011
00:45:22,200 --> 00:45:24,767
You know something, Edith?
1012
00:45:24,767 --> 00:45:27,033
Even though the years
have went by,
1013
00:45:27,033 --> 00:45:29,634
you still got the lips.
1014
00:45:29,634 --> 00:45:31,767
Oh, Archie!
1015
00:45:31,767 --> 00:45:35,501
Oh, I'm gonna be
so proud of ya!
1016
00:45:35,501 --> 00:45:39,501
And this is gonna be
a beautiful saloon!
1017
00:45:39,501 --> 00:45:42,400
And you're gonna be
the host with the most!
1018
00:45:42,400 --> 00:45:44,033
Oh, you said it, Edith!
1019
00:45:44,033 --> 00:45:45,801
And I can't tell ya
the way I feel
1020
00:45:45,801 --> 00:45:48,534
standing in the middle
of my own saloon, my own business here!
1021
00:45:48,534 --> 00:45:51,434
I got all kinds of
plans for this joint, plans of my own!
1022
00:45:51,434 --> 00:45:53,601
All my own ideas!
Wait'll you hear, Edith.
1023
00:45:53,601 --> 00:45:57,534
Maybe we can get matching
tablecloths and napkins,
1024
00:45:57,534 --> 00:46:00,300
and we can redecorate
the powder room!
1025
00:46:00,300 --> 00:46:02,334
Yeah, get plenty
of powder in there, 'cause it stinks!
1026
00:46:02,334 --> 00:46:03,701
Yeah!
1027
00:46:03,701 --> 00:46:05,701
Oh, and I'll take down
them fightin' pictures
1028
00:46:05,701 --> 00:46:09,133
and we'll put up
George and Martha Washington.
1029
00:46:09,133 --> 00:46:10,634
Oh, no, no, no, no.
1030
00:46:10,634 --> 00:46:13,534
Gee, no, don't put
George and Martha up.
1031
00:46:13,534 --> 00:46:15,534
I mean, pictures
of George and Martha,
1032
00:46:15,534 --> 00:46:18,934
they always look like
they don't want nobody to drink.
1033
00:46:18,934 --> 00:46:21,100
Well, maybe little animals,
like squirrels and birds.
1034
00:46:21,100 --> 00:46:22,334
Don't do that.
1035
00:46:22,334 --> 00:46:24,601
Some of our customers,
they get drinkin',
1036
00:46:24,601 --> 00:46:27,067
they get awful scared
of little animals.
1037
00:46:27,067 --> 00:46:29,200
- Well, kittens and dogs.
- No, no, no, Edith.
1038
00:46:29,200 --> 00:46:31,400
Edith! No, Edith,
leave all the artwork--!
1039
00:46:31,400 --> 00:46:34,133
Curtains on the door
and on the window!
1040
00:46:34,133 --> 00:46:35,367
No, no curtains, Edith.
1041
00:46:35,367 --> 00:46:37,434
We ain't runnin'
an ice cream parlor here.
1042
00:46:37,434 --> 00:46:39,434
Oh, and we'll get rid
of the pinball machine,
1043
00:46:39,434 --> 00:46:40,767
'cause that's gamblin'.
1044
00:46:40,767 --> 00:46:42,767
Edith, Edith, you get rid
of the pinball machine,
1045
00:46:42,767 --> 00:46:44,667
and a guy who smells
like garlic
1046
00:46:44,667 --> 00:46:46,200
will come around,
kiss me on both cheeks,
1047
00:46:46,200 --> 00:46:48,701
and put a hole
in my head.
1048
00:46:48,701 --> 00:46:50,667
We can get new barstools!
1049
00:46:50,667 --> 00:46:52,667
Don't do nothin'!
No, Edith! No, hey!
1050
00:46:52,667 --> 00:46:53,734
Now, cut it out, now!
1051
00:46:53,734 --> 00:46:55,234
That's enough, Edith!
1052
00:46:55,234 --> 00:46:56,934
Now, I don't wanna
hear no more!
1053
00:46:56,934 --> 00:46:58,167
This is my bar.
1054
00:46:58,167 --> 00:47:00,234
I'm the boss of this bar,
and I'm the boss,
1055
00:47:00,234 --> 00:47:02,133
and I'm the guy
that says what goes!
1056
00:47:02,133 --> 00:47:04,400
But you made me a partner!
1057
00:47:04,400 --> 00:47:05,868
When did I do that?
1058
00:47:05,868 --> 00:47:09,133
When you forged my name
on the loan agreement!
1059
00:47:09,133 --> 00:47:10,400
Oh! Look at that!
1060
00:47:30,968 --> 00:47:34,834
♪
♪ ♪
1061
00:47:34,834 --> 00:47:36,801
ROB REINER:
All in the Family was recorded on tape
1062
00:47:36,801 --> 00:47:38,868
before a live audience.
1063
00:47:38,918 --> 00:47:43,468
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
77201
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