Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

MICHAEL: I have a beauty.

"B-U-S-T...

A-R-D."

That's what, ten points?

I'm on a double word score there, that's 20 points,

I used all my letters, 50 extra for that,

I got "WAGES" here, that's--

Michael, you made a mistake. That's not how you spell it.

"B-U-S-T-A-R-D"?

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

That's right. No, I challenge you.

Gloria, that is a word. "Bustard."

Well, it's a word if you're not a very nice person.

[SNORTS]

Come on, Michael, you finally made a mistake. I got you.

Here. What does that say?

"Bustard. An Australian game bird

related to the cranes and the plovers."

Well, of course, the plovers.

How could I forget them?

Caw! Caw! Caw!

What are you doing?

I'm doing an Australian game bird call.

Are you gonna play the game? Yes.

Then go. It's your turn.

I know it's my turn.

[CHORTLES]

[CHORTLES]

Oh boy!

Oh boy!

Heh heh heh heh! Michael...

What? My turn?

No, it's still my turn, but I can't concentrate

with you making all that noise.

Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't making noise intentionally.

♪ Oh boy, I'm lucky ♪

♪ I'll say I'm lucky ♪

♪ This is my lucky day ♪

♪ I got great letters-- ♪

What? Go!

All right, I'm gonna go.

Uh, "T..."

"I-N."

TIN.

TIN? You're putting down TIN?!

[RUDE GUFFAW]

Yeah. Putting down TIN, it's three points. Write it down.

All right, I'll write it down, honey,

but it's not gonna make any difference

because I am going out with ENGULFS.

"E-N-G-U...

L-F-S."

That's a triple-word score, I used all my letters,

I am out with a grand total of 385 points

to your measly 104.

Okay. So I'm stupid.

Honey, you're not stupid.

You just don't know as many words as I do, that's all.

Why do we always compete at things that you're good at?

Why can't we compete at something I'm good at?

Fine, fine. We can.

First thing tomorrow morning, we'll get up bright and early

and we'll have a bake-off.

That's all you think I'm good at is baking?

No, honey, it was a joke.

There are many things, many things that you are good at.

No! Many things.

Michael, no! I don't feel like having fun.

What?!

What's the matter with you?

Of course you beat me at these stupid games.

'Cause you've had every opportunity in the world

to improve your mind.

The only opportunities I've had are to feed your face

and clean your clothes and satisfy your lust.

Take it easy; there's no problem.

We just won't play games like this anymore.

Besides, it's no fun for me to win all the time anyway.

Thanks a bunch!

Gloria, the bedspread.

Okay.

I work to put you through college so you can tell me

how stupid I am.

You are not stupid!

You wanna go to college?

You wanna go to college?!

Go. What's stopping you?

How about housework, the baby, money,

...you? Me?

Yeah, you.

I was supposed to go to college when you finish, remember?

All right, so when I get a little bit more money,

and Joey's a little bit older...

I'll be 40 by then.

In the meantime, every game, every conversation,

every argument-- you'll always be the best.

The better.

What?

It's good, better, best--

good when there's one, better when it's a comparative between two,

and best when it refers to three or more.

Thank you very much.

I stand corrected.

Go to hell, Michael! Whoa!

Did I say that right?!

Whoa!

Thanks to you, the only change I foresee in my life

is menopause, and what do you care?

Whoa!

You know what?

You've ruined my life.

[GUFFAWS LOUDLY]

I have ruined your life?!

I, who get up every morning at 6:00 to go to work to make a living

so that you and Joey have a roof over your head

and are fed and clothed?!

I have ruined your life?

Yes, ruined!

If I hadn't married you,

I could've gone to college and really been something

like a doctor or a lawyer,

or just a lousy professor like you.

Lousy professor, huh?

You wish you could be so lousy

with your atrocious spelling.

Atrocious?

Yeah, yeah Can you spell that?

Yeah!

Atrocious.

M-E-A-T-H-E-A-D.

Atrocious!

All right, Gloria, I don't have to listen to any of this.

If you have any other little trenchant comments

that you wish to pass on to me,

kindly refer them downstairs to the couch,

which is where I will be sleeping.

Don't think that you're punishing me,

because I'm used to sleeping with nothing.

Okay, Gloria, you just did it.

You drove me off the couch and out the front door.

That's fine with me!

Why don't you just disappear?!

D-I-S-A-P-E-A-R.

There's two P's in that word.

Get out of here!

I hate you, Michael Stivic!

Just disappear!

You ruined my life!

[ALARM CLOCK RINGS, BABY BEGINS SCREAMING]

Aaaaaaah!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[RINGS]

ARCHIE: Oh, my God!

[RINGS]

Why would anybody ring a man's doorbell

at 2:00 a.m. in the morning?

[RINGS]

Aw, this is just savageness, that's all.

Ah, jeez.

Archie, why don't you put the lights on?

I shoulda did that, Edith,

because I just stubbed the little toe on the left foot

on the leg of the chair, see

And here comes the pain.

That's too bad.

See, the painter moved the furniture.

Why didn't you move it all back where it was?

It took me 20 years to memorize the deformities of this room.

[YAWNING]

MIKE: Hey, Arch, it's me. Open the door!

Oh, it's Mike!

They must've run out of food over there.

Hi, Mike. Hi, Ma.

Hi. Hi, Arch.

Here he is in all his glory,

Attila the Hungry.

Mike, what's the matter? Nobody's sick, are they?

No, ma, it's nothing like that.

I'm sorry to get you out of bed.

That's all right. We was only sleepin'.

You don't have to explain to him

our what do you call 'em, privacies there.

Suppose we wasn't sleepin'.

Would you give him a rundown on all the frolics?

Mike, what's the matter?

Why ain't you in bed sleepin'?

Gloria and I had a fight.

I was wondering if I could borrow some money for a motel.

BOTH: Ah...

Mike, I'm sorry.

What happened?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

We don't wanna know what happened there.

Don't tell us what happened.

We don't wanna know.

Tell him we don't give a damn what happened.

What happened, Mike?

I don't know, Ma.

Gloria got all upset and she said I ruined her life.

I told her the same thing seven years ago.

All right, forget it, Arch.

I'm sorry I came here to begin with.

Wait a minute, Mike. Where are you going?

I don't know, Ma-- out into the night.

Oh, no, Mike, no!

It's too cold out there and dark.

Why don't you stay here tonight?

Oh, no, Ma.

Where the hell's he gonna sleep? With Teresa?

Oh, no.

Teresa can sleep in our bed.

Up against you or up against me?

Oh, no!

See, Archie, you'll sleep in Teresa's bed

in Mike's old room,

and I'll ask Teresa to come and sleep with me

in our bed in our room.

And Mike'll sleep on the cot in Teresa's room,

which used to be Mike's old room

where you'll be sleeping in Teresa's bed.

See, and you won't have to sleep up against nobody. See?

If I tried to figure that one out,

I'd be sleeping up against a straitjacket.

You'll see what I mean. Come on.

Help me up.

You pinched a roll!

Come on, Mike.

Everything's gonna be all right.

Turn out the light, will ya, Meathead?

And you're gonna have to help me down with that cot up there.

Arch, I don't know about sleepin' on that cot.

I got a bad back.

What the hell are you talkin' about?

Everybody sleeps good on that cot.

Like who?

I remember my cousin Oscar once fell asleep on that cot.

He never woke up.

MICHAEL: Hey, Arch. What do you want?

I don't know about these pajamas you gave me.

Well, it was either a pair of Edith's or a pair of mine,

and Edith's ain't got the standard opening.

Nine million people in the city of New York

and look at me-- shackin' up with you.

What are you takin'?

It's for blood pressures--

what they call an anti-Meathead pill.

Hey, Arch,

what did your cousin Oscar die from, anyway?

Oh, Oscar.

Well, he died of, uh...

bad feet.

Nobody dies from bad feet.

I don't know. The man was always complaining his feet was killin' him.

Ah.

I can't believe what I just seen there.

What? I got into bed.

Is that the way you always get into bed?

Sure.

You must be the only person in the world

that gets into a bed that way.

What's wrong with it?

Well, let me show you somethin', huh?

Why does he always get me so mad at everything?

Now this is the way you get into a bed.

You go up to the bed, you look at it, right?

Okay.

Then the next thing you do, you take the covers

and you turn 'em down in a flap like that there, see?

All right.

Then you sit down on the edge of your bed there

like this here, and you say a little prayer,

unless you're an atheist and you're gonna burn in hell anyhow.

Then you swing your legs into the bed,

you pull the flap over like that,

and you groove yourself down in there

and with them few simple maneuvers,

you're ready to sleep.

That's my way. Now what about your way?

My way--

Your way is stupid!

I seen your way there.

Jeez, it ain't even human.

You slid yourself in there like a punch card into a time clock.

Arch, my way is the perfect way.

My way, I don't mess up the sheets,

I don't mess up the blanket.

I am now perfectly tucked in, snug as a bug in a rug.

Bug. Don't you wanna be a person?

Your way, every time you get into bed,

you got the cover, you got the sheets,

the blanket--

There's reasons for that!

Help me, Lord.

Suppose there's a fire in the middle of the night.

What are you gonna do, huh?

You're locked in there.

But with a flap here...

Look. You throw the flap back, you're outta bed,

and like a shot there, you got easy regress to safety.

If that's the only reason to have a flap,

I'll take my chances on burnin' to death.

There's other reasons, there's other reasons!

What about gastriasis?

What?!

Gastriasis. Suppose you get an attack of gastriasis

in the middle of the night?

Your way, you're trapped in there,

you can't get away from it.

My way, with the flap...

Now get outta the bed and turn down a flap and get into it my way!

I'll do it that way tomorrow night, all right?

Okay, tomorrow, and the next night and the next night

and do it that way every night for the rest of your life!

Now good night.

[GROANS]

What a jerk.

What a dope.

[COT CREAKS LOUDLY]

Hey, Arch?

[CREAKS AGAIN]

Arch.

There's somethin'...

...wrong with this bed.

I'm trapped.

I'm trapped!

I shoulda left a flap; he was right.

[GRUNTS LOUDLY]

Huh...

[ARCHIE SNORING]

Oh, don't get sore about Alice Faye.

I only loved her from afar.

[SIGHS]

You got into bed with me to do this here?

It was an accident.

With little Joey, it would be an accident.

With you, it's a dishonorable discharge.

Arch, the cot broke, so I got into bed.

I'm sorry; I spilled a glass of water--

Oh, you spilled water in the bed, you slob, ya?!

Get up and get outta here and go to a motel!

Fine! Fine! I didn't wanna stay here to begin with.

I'll gladly loan you the money.

Good. The word is "lend."

The word is "loan," 'cause I want the money back.

Arch, "loan" is a noun.

You make a loan.

"Lend" is a verb. You lend somebody something.

Come on. Talk like a regular person, will ya there?

You're always talkin' like you swallowed an almanac

and you're burpin' up all your learnin'.

I'm a teacher; that's what I do for a living.

Do you have to go around and do that all the time, huh?

Showin' everybody how smart you are?

I don't do that.

Yes, you do.

You're always correctin' everybody.

You correct your mother-in-law, you correct me.

You correct your wife, my darling little daughter Gloria.

Why did she leave me?

You go around correctin' the whole world.

Do I really do that?

Yes, you do that!

Why the hell did you go through college anyway?

So you could turn around and tell the rest of us

what a bunch of dummies we was?

I do do that, don't I?

You most certainly do.

Hey, Arch...

Ya know, that's the first time since I've known you

you've actually told me something I can use.

Ah!

Thanks, Archie.

Guy ain't been the same ever since he had that vas-sex-somy.

Oh!

Isn't this lovely?

Hey, Edith!

Hey, Edith, in there!

What, Archie?

Edith, the bed's all wet in here.

Oh.

"Kalinsky, Korean, kosher, koumiss."

K-O-U-M-I-S-S.

"A fermented beverage made by nomads of Central Asia

from mares' milk."

Yechh!

Koumiss. A fermented beverage made by...

...nomads of Central Asia from mares' milk.

[DOOR OPENS]

Truce?

Truce.

T-R-U-C-E, truce.

You were right, honey.

I am a meathead.

Not only that, I'm a pompous ass.

I shouldn't talk down to you.

I'm sorry.

Thank you, Michael.

And I'm sorry that I said you ruined my life.

You've made me very happy.

Hey, you know what?

If you wanna-- you wanna go to college,

we'll find a way.

Well, I don't know if I have to go right away.

Many people who've never been to college

know a lot of things.

For instance,

just this minute, I was thinking

how good it would be to have a nice, cold glass of koumiss.

Koumiss. You know what that is, koumiss?

A fermented beverage made by nomads of Central Asia

from mares' milk.

You rat!

I heard you! How did you...?!

I heard it outside the door.

I heard you say it...

♪

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0