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00:00:01,200 --> 00:00:04,436
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:04,438 --> 00:00:07,772
♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪
3
00:00:07,774 --> 00:00:10,808
♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪
4
00:00:10,810 --> 00:00:13,311
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:13,313 --> 00:00:16,581
♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪
6
00:00:16,583 --> 00:00:20,185
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪
7
00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:25,390
♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:25,392 --> 00:00:28,226
♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪
9
00:00:28,228 --> 00:00:31,329
♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪
10
00:00:31,331 --> 00:00:35,633
♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪
11
00:00:35,635 --> 00:00:41,239
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:01:29,188 --> 00:01:30,355
Hi, Ma.
13
00:01:30,357 --> 00:01:32,290
Oh, hi, Gloria!
14
00:01:33,359 --> 00:01:34,859
I didn't mean
to scare ya,
15
00:01:34,861 --> 00:01:36,627
but I need your help.
16
00:01:36,629 --> 00:01:38,629
I can't figure out
where I've gone wrong
17
00:01:38,631 --> 00:01:42,033
in this sweater that
I'm making for Joey.
18
00:01:42,035 --> 00:01:43,735
[LAUGHS]
19
00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:45,437
[TIMER BUZZES]
Oh, my cookies are--
20
00:01:45,439 --> 00:01:49,073
Oh, my Tollhouse cookies
are done.
21
00:01:49,075 --> 00:01:51,576
Mmm, Tollhouse,
that's my favorite.
22
00:01:51,578 --> 00:01:56,148
Gloria, would you take 'em
out of the oven for me?
23
00:01:56,150 --> 00:01:58,416
Yeah.
And I'll look at your sweater.
24
00:01:58,418 --> 00:02:00,418
Okay, can I have some?
Oh, sure.
25
00:02:00,420 --> 00:02:03,655
Don't burn, cookies,
I'm coming to eat you!
26
00:02:14,099 --> 00:02:16,768
Well, there goes my diet.
27
00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:18,603
Look, Ma, just like
when I was little.
28
00:02:18,605 --> 00:02:20,772
I got one for my mouth
and one for each hand.
29
00:02:20,774 --> 00:02:23,275
Here you go.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
30
00:02:23,277 --> 00:02:24,609
Excuse me.
31
00:02:24,611 --> 00:02:27,445
Here, Ma,
you can have one of 'em. Oh, thank you.
32
00:02:27,447 --> 00:02:31,616
Mmm!
Mmm.
33
00:02:31,618 --> 00:02:33,618
Ma, you think I oughta
fix that sweater?
34
00:02:33,620 --> 00:02:36,555
Oh yeah.
Uh, yeah.
35
00:02:36,557 --> 00:02:39,558
You think
you can show me how?
36
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,326
Oh, yeah.
37
00:02:43,262 --> 00:02:44,729
[YELLS]
What's the matter?
38
00:02:44,731 --> 00:02:47,666
Look at all the crumbs
on the floor!
39
00:02:48,901 --> 00:02:51,670
Where?
Umm, look again.
40
00:02:56,241 --> 00:02:59,277
Oh, Ma, it was just
a raisin.
41
00:03:00,412 --> 00:03:03,414
I think.
42
00:03:03,416 --> 00:03:05,383
Hey, Edith,
43
00:03:05,385 --> 00:03:08,086
Edith, I can't fix
the float valve
44
00:03:08,088 --> 00:03:10,421
on that toilet up there
without the right tools.
45
00:03:10,423 --> 00:03:13,757
I can't find my screwdriver,
I can't find my pliers. Oh, yeah.
46
00:03:13,759 --> 00:03:14,925
Where's the pliers?
47
00:03:14,927 --> 00:03:16,427
They're in the kitchen.
48
00:03:16,429 --> 00:03:19,097
You was using 'em
when you was fixing the sink.
49
00:03:19,099 --> 00:03:21,099
No, Edith,
that was a year ago.
50
00:03:21,101 --> 00:03:23,601
Now I used the pliers
since then.
51
00:03:23,603 --> 00:03:25,936
On that self-same
toilet up there,
52
00:03:25,938 --> 00:03:29,007
'cause the float valve
was making noise before.
53
00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:30,108
And I remember
when I was finished,
54
00:03:30,110 --> 00:03:33,444
I put the pliers right down
on the top of the toilet tank,
55
00:03:33,446 --> 00:03:36,982
between the Rapid Shave
and your heavy-duty wrinkle cream.
56
00:03:38,050 --> 00:03:40,217
Hiya, Daddy.
Hiya, Little Girl.
57
00:03:40,219 --> 00:03:42,386
And I ain't in
a happy frame of mood,
58
00:03:42,388 --> 00:03:44,556
and what're you doin'
with your noise in my mail?
59
00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:45,890
Gimme that mail!
60
00:03:45,892 --> 00:03:47,559
It's only bills anyhow.
61
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:48,726
And look at this, Edith,
62
00:03:48,728 --> 00:03:50,728
they all come on
the one day of the month.
63
00:03:50,730 --> 00:03:52,564
They used to spread 'em out.
64
00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:55,066
Ronald Reagan woulda
took care of this, see.
65
00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:57,068
Well, let's see
what we got here.
66
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,737
Oh, heating oil here.
67
00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:01,573
Well, that means more money
for the "A-rabs,"
68
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,575
then they run
around the world
69
00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,910
buyin' up all the hotels,
all the gambling joints,
70
00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:08,580
which means more money
for the Mafia.
71
00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:11,616
And then we got here
the gas and electric.
72
00:04:11,618 --> 00:04:13,985
Well, that's more money
for Consolidated Edison,
73
00:04:13,987 --> 00:04:16,321
they go runnin' around
tearing up the streets of New York,
74
00:04:16,323 --> 00:04:18,055
which means more money
for the Teamsters,
75
00:04:18,057 --> 00:04:20,925
which is another way of saying
more money for the Mafia.
76
00:04:20,927 --> 00:04:23,895
And then we got
the telephone here,
77
00:04:23,897 --> 00:04:29,668
AT&T, American
Thives and Thugs...
78
00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:32,036
which is another way of sayin'
79
00:04:32,038 --> 00:04:33,772
more money for the Mafia.
80
00:04:33,774 --> 00:04:38,543
Daddy, all of that money
doesn't go to the Mafia.
81
00:04:38,545 --> 00:04:39,611
Well, about half.
82
00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:40,945
Another half
goes to the Jews,
83
00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:43,247
and the third half
goes to the Pope.
84
00:04:45,284 --> 00:04:47,319
You are so sick.
85
00:04:47,321 --> 00:04:49,453
Hey, Little Girl,
it's a well-known fact.
86
00:04:49,455 --> 00:04:51,022
Look it up.
87
00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:51,555
Ah-ah-ah!
88
00:04:52,958 --> 00:04:55,126
All right, Edith, come on.
Get up outta my chair.
89
00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:56,628
I gotta sit down,
read the bills,
90
00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,295
see how much they're
taking me for this month.
91
00:04:58,297 --> 00:04:59,964
Lemme get into
my chair, will you?
92
00:04:59,966 --> 00:05:01,966
Archie, you oughta
look for your pliers.
93
00:05:01,968 --> 00:05:04,902
I'll sit in my chair
until it comes to me
94
00:05:04,904 --> 00:05:06,403
where they are,
that's all.
95
00:05:06,405 --> 00:05:10,407
What is the matter
with you? Sit down here!
96
00:05:10,409 --> 00:05:12,076
[GRUNTS]
97
00:05:12,078 --> 00:05:14,411
Lemme see this here
telephone bill.
98
00:05:14,413 --> 00:05:15,847
And them calls to--
99
00:05:19,251 --> 00:05:20,652
Edith.
100
00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:22,253
Edith, I--
101
00:05:22,255 --> 00:05:24,588
That new underwear
you bought me
102
00:05:24,590 --> 00:05:26,524
bunches up
in the wrong spot.
103
00:05:30,095 --> 00:05:32,029
Don't be listening to this!
104
00:05:34,099 --> 00:05:36,200
See, these--
[GRUNTS]
105
00:05:38,103 --> 00:05:41,605
Look at this, four calls
over to Jersey.
106
00:05:41,607 --> 00:05:43,274
I know where
your pliers are!
107
00:05:43,276 --> 00:05:44,942
They're in the cellar, Archie.
[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]
108
00:05:44,944 --> 00:05:47,278
You was using them
when you broke the furna-- [CONTINUES MUTTERING]
109
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:50,782
I mean, when you
fixed the furnace. Wait a minute.
110
00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:53,785
Just come to me,
I think my pliers
111
00:05:53,787 --> 00:05:56,120
is down the cellar,
because I was using 'em
112
00:05:56,122 --> 00:05:59,391
that time that I busted--
adjusted the furnace.
113
00:05:59,393 --> 00:06:01,960
All right, I'll see
where they are, Edith.
114
00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:03,227
I think I can find 'em.
115
00:06:03,229 --> 00:06:06,731
Then I'll cure that noise
in the toilet forever.
116
00:06:06,733 --> 00:06:08,399
[YELLS]
117
00:06:08,401 --> 00:06:11,068
Ma, you're acting
so funny today.
118
00:06:11,070 --> 00:06:12,670
No, I ain't acting funny!
119
00:06:14,573 --> 00:06:17,241
You're hiding something.
No I ain't!
120
00:06:17,243 --> 00:06:19,577
What're you doing
with your hand back there? No, nothing!
121
00:06:19,579 --> 00:06:21,078
Ma, something's
under there, isn't it?
122
00:06:21,080 --> 00:06:22,246
Lemme see!
[PROTESTING]
123
00:06:22,248 --> 00:06:25,016
[LAUGHING]
124
00:06:25,018 --> 00:06:25,549
[LAUGHING STOPS ABRUPTLY]
125
00:06:29,588 --> 00:06:32,624
How To BeYour Husband's Mistress?
126
00:06:32,626 --> 00:06:35,427
Shh! Archie'll hear ya!
127
00:06:35,429 --> 00:06:37,529
Ma, what're you doing
with that book?!
128
00:06:37,531 --> 00:06:40,098
ARCHIE: Ahh, hot pipes,
hot pipes!
129
00:06:40,100 --> 00:06:42,433
Be careful, Archie!
130
00:06:42,435 --> 00:06:43,367
Well?
131
00:06:44,436 --> 00:06:45,536
Well...
132
00:06:50,242 --> 00:06:51,608
Well, they was
talking about it
133
00:06:51,610 --> 00:06:54,611
on The Dinah Shore Show,
134
00:06:54,613 --> 00:06:59,450
and I figured
if Dinah could read it, it was okay for me to read it,
135
00:06:59,452 --> 00:07:02,720
'cause she ain't
even been married lately.
136
00:07:04,356 --> 00:07:07,559
Ma, I know all about
this book.
137
00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:09,226
It's just trashy.
138
00:07:09,228 --> 00:07:11,062
It's full of
all sorts of lies.
139
00:07:11,064 --> 00:07:15,399
And it gives you advice
to do ridiculous, kinky things
140
00:07:15,401 --> 00:07:17,569
to make yourself
more attractive to your husband.
141
00:07:17,571 --> 00:07:18,636
It's yucky!
142
00:07:18,638 --> 00:07:21,572
But the woman that wrote it
143
00:07:21,574 --> 00:07:27,411
claims that "yucky"
saved her marriage.
144
00:07:28,747 --> 00:07:33,518
Ma, is something wrong
between you and Daddy?
145
00:07:33,520 --> 00:07:34,919
ARCHIE: Hey, Edith!
[GASPS]
146
00:07:34,921 --> 00:07:37,421
Hey Edith, I'm afraid
you're just gonna have to live
147
00:07:37,423 --> 00:07:40,591
with that noise
of the float valve sucking wind up there.
148
00:07:40,593 --> 00:07:42,426
'Cause if I don't have
the right tools,
149
00:07:42,428 --> 00:07:44,094
I can't fix nothin' at all.
150
00:07:44,096 --> 00:07:46,164
So that's it.
Dinner at six, huh?
151
00:07:46,166 --> 00:07:47,665
Where are you going,
Archie?
152
00:07:47,667 --> 00:07:49,433
I think I'll nip down
to Kelsey's
153
00:07:49,435 --> 00:07:52,870
for a little "aperatif"--
on draft.
154
00:07:58,610 --> 00:08:04,182
Ma, is there something wrong
between you and Daddy?
155
00:08:06,217 --> 00:08:10,888
Uh, excuse me, Gloria,
I better go look for them pliers.
156
00:08:10,890 --> 00:08:12,056
Ma, wait a minute,
157
00:08:12,058 --> 00:08:14,425
Ma, the best thing
for a person to do
158
00:08:14,427 --> 00:08:15,559
when they're
having a problem
159
00:08:15,561 --> 00:08:17,428
is to talk it over
with the person
160
00:08:17,430 --> 00:08:18,562
they're having
the problem with.
161
00:08:18,564 --> 00:08:19,730
Can't you talk with Daddy?
162
00:08:19,732 --> 00:08:23,401
Oh, I can't talk
to your father about it.
163
00:08:23,403 --> 00:08:24,902
He won't listen.
164
00:08:24,904 --> 00:08:26,737
I can't do it!
165
00:08:26,739 --> 00:08:28,672
You oughta listen to me!
166
00:08:28,674 --> 00:08:32,210
If you can't
talk to him, who can?
167
00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:34,245
Not me!
168
00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:37,748
I'm not having
a sex problem with Archie!
169
00:08:37,750 --> 00:08:39,750
Ma's gotta talk to him!
170
00:08:39,752 --> 00:08:43,721
Isn't it always easier
for two men to talk about these things?
171
00:08:43,723 --> 00:08:44,322
Always.
172
00:08:44,324 --> 00:08:46,924
But one of the men
cannot be Archie.
173
00:08:46,926 --> 00:08:48,592
I can't just say,
174
00:08:48,594 --> 00:08:52,330
"Hiya Arch, I understand
you and Ma are having problems in the sack."
175
00:08:52,332 --> 00:08:56,267
Can't you be a little more
delicate about these things?
176
00:08:56,269 --> 00:08:59,103
I don't know what you want,
I don't even know what the problem is!
177
00:08:59,105 --> 00:09:00,438
Well, neither do I!
178
00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:03,608
Look, Gloria, just because
Ma is reading a book about sex
179
00:09:03,610 --> 00:09:05,243
doesn't mean
they're having a problem.
180
00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:06,277
Well, they will,
181
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:08,947
if she starts taking advice
from that trashy book.
182
00:09:08,949 --> 00:09:13,617
It tells wives to greet
their husbands at the door
183
00:09:13,619 --> 00:09:18,389
wearing nothing
but a garter belt and a dry martini.
184
00:09:24,629 --> 00:09:27,398
Where is this book?
185
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,367
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
186
00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:30,634
There's your delicate.
187
00:09:30,636 --> 00:09:32,470
Look, I don't have time
to discuss this, honey,
188
00:09:32,472 --> 00:09:34,138
I gotta take these books
back to the library.
189
00:09:34,140 --> 00:09:37,141
Michael, Daddy's at Kelsey's.
It's right on your way!
190
00:09:37,143 --> 00:09:39,477
I don't even know
how to approach him about it!
191
00:09:39,479 --> 00:09:40,978
Gloria, look,
you gotta understand,
192
00:09:40,980 --> 00:09:43,081
a male ego is
a very fragile thing.
193
00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:46,817
Yeah, but you talked to him
about this kinda stuff before.
194
00:09:46,819 --> 00:09:48,652
Don't you remember?
195
00:09:48,654 --> 00:09:50,821
Remember when
you had your problem,
196
00:09:50,823 --> 00:09:54,459
and Daddy told you
you were just "stuck in neutral"?
197
00:09:56,661 --> 00:09:57,962
I remember.
198
00:09:57,964 --> 00:09:59,497
Well, he helped you,
didn't he?
199
00:09:59,499 --> 00:10:01,265
What help? He told me to jog.
200
00:10:02,434 --> 00:10:03,934
Come on, you can do it.
201
00:10:03,936 --> 00:10:06,103
I can't, I can't!
Yes you can. Please? For me?
202
00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:07,971
Can't we just
buy Archie a book?
203
00:10:07,973 --> 00:10:10,775
You know, Pat Boone's
Twixt Twelve and Twenty?
204
00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:13,143
Or something? I just,
I'm so embarrassed!
205
00:10:13,145 --> 00:10:15,446
It's embarrassing!
You'll do an excellent job.
206
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:18,382
I'll be waiting for you
with a martini!
207
00:10:26,358 --> 00:10:28,492
Well, don't just stand there.
208
00:10:28,494 --> 00:10:29,993
You want to talk about
something,
209
00:10:29,995 --> 00:10:31,662
sit down
and talk about it.
210
00:10:31,664 --> 00:10:33,097
Don't be a-scared
or nothin',
211
00:10:33,099 --> 00:10:34,898
just spill it,
whatever it is.
212
00:10:34,900 --> 00:10:36,066
Well....
213
00:10:36,068 --> 00:10:38,736
it's kind of a personal
problem.
214
00:10:38,738 --> 00:10:40,904
Ohh, jeez.
215
00:10:43,742 --> 00:10:46,477
My generation
never had these
216
00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:48,846
personal problems.
217
00:10:48,848 --> 00:10:51,382
Boy, how lucky we was--
218
00:10:51,384 --> 00:10:54,184
all we had was
the Depression, Eleanor Roosevelt,
219
00:10:54,186 --> 00:10:56,454
and a bad team in Brooklyn.
220
00:10:56,456 --> 00:10:59,323
Here's your beers,
gents. Thanks a lot.
221
00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:01,859
But what is it?
What's the problem?
222
00:11:01,861 --> 00:11:04,395
Yeah, what's
your problem?
223
00:11:05,464 --> 00:11:07,431
Do you mind?
224
00:11:07,433 --> 00:11:09,132
No! Go ahead.
225
00:11:09,134 --> 00:11:11,469
I hear all kinds
of problems here.
226
00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:12,569
It's about sex!
227
00:11:12,571 --> 00:11:15,206
Terrific!
Ohhh...
228
00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:16,874
Get outta here!
229
00:11:16,876 --> 00:11:19,343
Oh, excuse me.
230
00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:21,012
Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
231
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:22,713
Before we start,
232
00:11:22,715 --> 00:11:25,316
is this something
we could maybe fix
233
00:11:25,318 --> 00:11:28,052
with a little joggin'?
234
00:11:28,054 --> 00:11:31,022
Arch, it's a little bit
more complicated than that.
235
00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:33,391
Oh, jeez.
236
00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:36,193
With you it's always sex.
I don't know what it is.
237
00:11:36,195 --> 00:11:38,529
One year you're off,
the next year you're on--
238
00:11:38,531 --> 00:11:41,632
you're either a monk
or a mink.
239
00:11:48,673 --> 00:11:51,976
You have such
a sensitive way of putting things.
240
00:11:51,978 --> 00:11:56,880
I always try to be sensitive
about these here things.
241
00:11:56,882 --> 00:11:59,550
Well, come on,
what part of ya ain't workin' now?
242
00:12:04,689 --> 00:12:07,825
Ahh...
243
00:12:07,827 --> 00:12:09,560
I don't know how to begin.
244
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:12,196
You forgot that?
245
00:12:15,734 --> 00:12:17,869
Arch...
246
00:12:17,871 --> 00:12:19,737
what should I do
247
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:22,240
if I found out
that Gloria bought a book
248
00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:25,243
called How To BeYour Husband's Mistress?
249
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:27,578
She bought that book?
Well, let's just say she did.
250
00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,680
Well, I'd raise hell
with her! Why?
251
00:12:29,682 --> 00:12:32,449
She coulda checked it out
for free at the library.
252
00:12:35,053 --> 00:12:40,057
Uh, Arch, in this book,
it tells how married couples
253
00:12:40,059 --> 00:12:43,727
should get the most
out of--loving each other. [GROANING]
254
00:12:43,729 --> 00:12:45,396
You know--
255
00:12:45,398 --> 00:12:47,564
Well, let's put it this way.
You ever heard the expression
256
00:12:47,566 --> 00:12:49,200
"the Earth moved"?
257
00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:52,069
Aww, jeez,
I hear that expression
258
00:12:52,071 --> 00:12:53,837
all the time on television,
259
00:12:53,839 --> 00:12:55,506
I read it in the magazines.
260
00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:56,674
Lemme tell you something.
261
00:12:56,676 --> 00:12:58,676
Maybe the Earth moved
ten million years ago,
262
00:12:58,678 --> 00:13:01,478
when the dinosaurs
were jumping on each other.
263
00:13:05,516 --> 00:13:07,184
But not today.
264
00:13:07,186 --> 00:13:08,518
Although I will say,
265
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:10,688
when you was living over
at our house there,
266
00:13:10,690 --> 00:13:12,022
the Earth was pretty solid,
267
00:13:12,024 --> 00:13:14,925
but I felt the upper floor
moving a time or two.
268
00:13:18,530 --> 00:13:20,531
Yeah.
269
00:13:20,533 --> 00:13:22,533
Well, Arch--
270
00:13:22,535 --> 00:13:24,201
Let's put it this way.
271
00:13:24,203 --> 00:13:28,973
How do people know
when they're satisfied?
272
00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:31,241
Oh, jeez.
273
00:13:33,378 --> 00:13:36,047
All right, I--I'll try
to give you an answer, see.
274
00:13:36,049 --> 00:13:38,549
But I ain't gonna go
into no details
275
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:42,987
about "Geronimous" zones
and the "floor play" and all of that.
276
00:13:51,229 --> 00:13:56,300
Just ask yourself
one simple question. What's that?
277
00:13:56,302 --> 00:13:59,837
Well, you say
to yourself,
278
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:02,606
"Am I satisfied
with this here?"
279
00:14:04,343 --> 00:14:06,510
If you feel
yourself blushing,
280
00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:07,945
the answer's yes.
281
00:14:10,349 --> 00:14:12,850
If you feel
like you wanna throw up,
282
00:14:12,852 --> 00:14:14,985
the answer's no.
283
00:14:19,190 --> 00:14:20,891
How do you usually feel?
284
00:14:20,893 --> 00:14:23,193
I don't talk about that!
285
00:14:23,195 --> 00:14:24,528
I wouldn't-a even told that
286
00:14:24,530 --> 00:14:26,530
naked in front of
the Army doctors!
287
00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:30,100
H-have you ever been able
to talk about this with Ma?
288
00:14:30,102 --> 00:14:33,837
No! No! You don't talk
about a thing like this with your wife.
289
00:14:33,839 --> 00:14:36,707
Why not?
Because, Meathead,
290
00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:39,710
you talk about these things
and you spoil all of,
291
00:14:39,712 --> 00:14:43,047
what do you call 'em,
"mystiqueries" and things.
292
00:14:43,049 --> 00:14:45,216
But Arch, if you can't
talk about it with Ma,
293
00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:46,717
then how are you
gonna ever know
294
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:50,654
if things are good
between you two?
295
00:14:50,656 --> 00:14:53,824
What are you talkin'
'bout your mother-in-law and me for?
296
00:14:53,826 --> 00:14:55,593
We're supposed to be
talking about Gloria and you!
297
00:14:55,595 --> 00:14:57,828
Well, yeah, but--
Well, come on, get to it!
298
00:14:57,830 --> 00:15:00,831
Uhh--uhh--uhh--
Come on, state your point, you're wasting my time.
299
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:02,333
Get at it.
Listen to this guy,
300
00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:05,769
"Uhh, uhh," he sounds like
a seal with his throat cut. Uhh--
301
00:15:06,838 --> 00:15:10,006
Come on, spit it out!
302
00:15:10,008 --> 00:15:11,842
Well, lately there
hasn't been much blushing
303
00:15:11,844 --> 00:15:13,009
going on
in this family,
304
00:15:13,011 --> 00:15:15,011
and I don't mean
me and Gloria.
305
00:15:15,013 --> 00:15:16,680
Figure it out.
306
00:15:16,682 --> 00:15:18,449
I'm so embarrassed!
307
00:16:03,828 --> 00:16:08,999
Archie, you're home!
Look, I found your pliers.
308
00:16:09,001 --> 00:16:11,101
They was right
in your tool box.
309
00:16:14,506 --> 00:16:18,175
Why don't you
take your hat and coat off?
310
00:16:18,177 --> 00:16:21,178
Because I am chilled, Edith.
311
00:16:21,180 --> 00:16:23,180
Oh, you want me
to put the heat up?
312
00:16:23,182 --> 00:16:24,948
No, I don't
wanna be comfortable!
313
00:16:27,852 --> 00:16:29,453
Something the matter?
314
00:16:30,855 --> 00:16:35,025
Was you doin' any talking
to the Meathead
315
00:16:35,027 --> 00:16:38,795
about you and me
and your you-know-what?
316
00:16:40,364 --> 00:16:42,132
You-know-what what?
317
00:16:44,035 --> 00:16:46,203
Help me, Lord,
help me, Lord.
318
00:16:46,205 --> 00:16:47,304
Gimme a word.
319
00:16:52,477 --> 00:16:57,748
Privacies, the privacies
of the bedroom.
320
00:17:02,987 --> 00:17:05,889
Oh!
321
00:17:05,891 --> 00:17:08,659
Ah, ding-ding-ding-ding!
322
00:17:08,661 --> 00:17:12,162
Oh, no, Archie!
323
00:17:12,164 --> 00:17:15,999
I would never talk
to Mike about that!
324
00:17:16,001 --> 00:17:20,303
Gloria tried to--
Oh, Gloria!
325
00:17:20,305 --> 00:17:23,340
Now I understand
the roundabouts of the whole thing!
326
00:17:23,342 --> 00:17:25,008
She was over here
and you had a little
327
00:17:25,010 --> 00:17:26,677
woman-to-woman
talk with your daughter. Oh, no, I never.
328
00:17:26,679 --> 00:17:28,345
Yeah, and then
she went home,
329
00:17:28,347 --> 00:17:30,347
she had a little
woman-to-man talk with her husband,
330
00:17:30,349 --> 00:17:32,182
then he trots down
to Kelsey's
331
00:17:32,184 --> 00:17:35,619
and forces me
into man-to-Meathead conversation with him.
332
00:17:37,188 --> 00:17:39,523
I don't know
what you're talking about!
333
00:17:39,525 --> 00:17:43,026
Ah, but you never talk
a woman-to-man thing
334
00:17:43,028 --> 00:17:46,363
with your husband, huh?
Oh, I would love to do that, Archie,
335
00:17:46,365 --> 00:17:48,198
but you never
want to listen!
336
00:17:48,200 --> 00:17:50,501
Ahh, jeez!
Would you?
337
00:17:50,503 --> 00:17:53,136
Noooo!
338
00:17:53,138 --> 00:17:55,305
And I wanna state
here and now,
339
00:17:55,307 --> 00:17:58,809
for all time, Edith,
"paragorically,"
340
00:17:58,811 --> 00:18:02,479
we're gonna have
no discussions between you and me
341
00:18:02,481 --> 00:18:04,314
about between you and me.
342
00:18:04,316 --> 00:18:06,817
I will not let you
343
00:18:06,819 --> 00:18:11,689
talk ever about
our sex life!
344
00:18:11,691 --> 00:18:13,623
And what the hell
is wrong with it?!
345
00:18:16,494 --> 00:18:18,162
Nothin'.
346
00:18:18,164 --> 00:18:20,164
I think.
347
00:18:20,166 --> 00:18:22,499
What do you mean
you "think"?
348
00:18:22,501 --> 00:18:25,502
Ain't I always there, huh?
349
00:18:25,504 --> 00:18:28,405
When you're in the mood?
[COOS]
350
00:18:32,510 --> 00:18:34,511
Yeah, Archie,
351
00:18:34,513 --> 00:18:36,446
and even when I ain't.
352
00:18:42,020 --> 00:18:43,854
Even when you ain't!
353
00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:45,455
How lucky can you get?
354
00:18:46,825 --> 00:18:48,692
I know. [LAUGHS]
355
00:18:48,694 --> 00:18:51,829
I was always lucky
about that.
356
00:18:51,831 --> 00:18:54,197
Certainly you was
always lucky about that!
357
00:18:54,199 --> 00:18:57,133
Even before we was married.
358
00:19:00,205 --> 00:19:02,773
Who'd you get lucky with
before we was married?!
359
00:19:02,775 --> 00:19:06,376
No Archie,
I didn't mean that!
360
00:19:06,378 --> 00:19:09,212
I meant that
before we was married,
361
00:19:09,214 --> 00:19:12,649
I had a long talk
with my mother, [WINCES]
362
00:19:12,651 --> 00:19:17,053
see, and she said to me
363
00:19:17,055 --> 00:19:19,723
that there was one thing
about marriage
364
00:19:19,725 --> 00:19:23,560
that I wasn't gonna like,
but it was a wife's duty,
365
00:19:23,562 --> 00:19:28,164
and I thought
she was talking about doing the laundry.
366
00:19:28,166 --> 00:19:32,236
'Cause that's
the only part of marriage that wasn't no fun.
367
00:19:32,238 --> 00:19:34,238
Is this gonna be long, Edith?
368
00:19:34,240 --> 00:19:37,508
No. So when I got preg--
369
00:19:37,510 --> 00:19:39,409
Not a nice word,
not a nice word!
370
00:19:39,411 --> 00:19:43,747
Oh, well, when I got
in the family way with Gloria--
371
00:19:43,749 --> 00:19:45,315
Better, better,
better, yeah.
372
00:19:45,317 --> 00:19:51,755
My mother said to me,
"I see you're doing your duty as a wife."
373
00:19:51,757 --> 00:19:55,693
And then I knew
what she meant!
374
00:19:55,695 --> 00:20:00,030
And I didn't have
the heart to tell her
375
00:20:00,032 --> 00:20:01,965
that I liked it.
376
00:20:05,704 --> 00:20:09,707
But you shoulda told
the old lady that!
377
00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:13,444
I mean, maybe she woulda
given me some kinda respect!
378
00:20:13,446 --> 00:20:16,379
Oh, no, never.
379
00:20:16,381 --> 00:20:18,849
It woulda broke her heart.
[GROANING]
380
00:20:20,051 --> 00:20:22,385
Edith, but why
does this suddenly--
381
00:20:22,387 --> 00:20:23,720
now, after all these--
382
00:20:23,722 --> 00:20:26,056
I mean, why does this
suddenly come
383
00:20:26,058 --> 00:20:30,527
and blow on the windmills
of your wind?
384
00:20:30,529 --> 00:20:31,461
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
385
00:20:32,564 --> 00:20:34,230
Archie,
386
00:20:34,232 --> 00:20:38,569
remember when you had
the date with that waitress?
387
00:20:38,571 --> 00:20:40,737
Oh, that's it!
388
00:20:40,739 --> 00:20:43,573
You're throwing that
up to me! No, Archie, I ain't!
389
00:20:43,575 --> 00:20:46,076
You'll never let me
off the hook for that for the rest of my life!
390
00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:50,914
It's gonna go on and on
and on and on. I know nothing happened!
391
00:20:50,916 --> 00:20:55,018
[INDISTINCT MUTTERING]
I know nothing happened between you,
392
00:20:55,020 --> 00:20:57,354
but I thought I was
gonna lose you,
393
00:20:57,356 --> 00:20:59,189
so I had to see her.
394
00:20:59,191 --> 00:21:03,360
So I went down
to the coffee shop-- Went down to the coffee shop!
395
00:21:03,362 --> 00:21:05,696
I didn't
talk to her, Archie,
396
00:21:05,698 --> 00:21:07,364
I just looked at her!
397
00:21:07,366 --> 00:21:09,700
I had to see her
to see what it was
398
00:21:09,702 --> 00:21:12,869
that attracted you
to her, and I did!
399
00:21:12,871 --> 00:21:15,038
Oh, Edith,
you went down there!
400
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:19,042
She was pretty.
And young
401
00:21:19,044 --> 00:21:19,976
...ger.
402
00:21:23,381 --> 00:21:27,384
When I went home,
I looked in the mirror
403
00:21:27,386 --> 00:21:32,322
and I seen wrinkles
that I never seen before.
404
00:21:34,058 --> 00:21:36,493
Wrinkles is doing
all of this?
405
00:21:38,229 --> 00:21:40,063
Edith, lemme tell you
something.
406
00:21:40,065 --> 00:21:42,566
I seen wrinkles
on that lady,
407
00:21:42,568 --> 00:21:45,569
but I don't see
no wrinkles on you.
408
00:21:45,571 --> 00:21:48,071
Oh, Archie.
409
00:21:48,073 --> 00:21:50,574
Look closer.
410
00:21:50,576 --> 00:21:53,009
Edith--Edith.
[MUTTERS]
411
00:21:53,011 --> 00:21:57,681
I'm looking as close
as I can look
412
00:21:57,683 --> 00:21:59,449
without going
cock-eyed.
413
00:22:01,018 --> 00:22:05,789
And your face is as smooth
as a baby's butt.
414
00:22:07,692 --> 00:22:12,763
Archie, your eyes
must be getting worse.
415
00:22:12,765 --> 00:22:15,532
Well, all right,
hey, how do you know
416
00:22:15,534 --> 00:22:17,867
Mother Nature didn't
plan it all out that way?
417
00:22:17,869 --> 00:22:20,704
You know, right when
people start getting older,
418
00:22:20,706 --> 00:22:23,707
you start getting
wrinkled-y,
419
00:22:23,709 --> 00:22:28,044
maybe their eyes
is supposed to start getting more "weakerer,"
420
00:22:28,046 --> 00:22:30,880
so they can't see
a lot of things
421
00:22:30,882 --> 00:22:32,382
that don't make
no difference anyway,
422
00:22:32,384 --> 00:22:34,918
and it all comes out
even in the end.
423
00:22:36,687 --> 00:22:38,455
I ain't getting through.
424
00:22:40,225 --> 00:22:43,393
Put it this way, Edith.
425
00:22:43,395 --> 00:22:47,397
To these two eyes,
weak as they may be,
426
00:22:47,399 --> 00:22:51,935
you are more beautiful
than anybody I could think of.
427
00:22:55,840 --> 00:22:57,274
Archie...
428
00:22:58,843 --> 00:23:00,611
Do you think--
429
00:23:03,014 --> 00:23:08,318
Do you feel that you've been
missing something?
430
00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:09,953
[SIGHS]
431
00:23:09,955 --> 00:23:13,356
No, I mean--
432
00:23:13,358 --> 00:23:17,160
Do I make you happy?
433
00:23:17,162 --> 00:23:19,596
Do you make me happy?
434
00:23:20,865 --> 00:23:22,198
Edith.
435
00:23:22,200 --> 00:23:26,970
You make me happy
in every way.
436
00:23:40,217 --> 00:23:43,720
When it comes
to making a guy happy, Edith,
437
00:23:43,722 --> 00:23:45,422
you wrote the book.
438
00:23:45,424 --> 00:23:46,823
The book!
439
00:23:48,559 --> 00:23:50,393
Oh, oh! [LAUGHS]
440
00:23:50,395 --> 00:23:52,228
Oh, jeez, I'm glad
you're laughing here.
441
00:23:52,230 --> 00:23:53,663
I'm glad you're laughing.
442
00:23:53,665 --> 00:23:55,999
For a minute there,
I thought you was gonna start
443
00:23:56,001 --> 00:23:57,667
doing what
you're doing now. [CRIES]
444
00:23:57,669 --> 00:24:01,838
Here it comes, Niagra Falls
coming around the corner once again!
445
00:24:01,840 --> 00:24:03,673
Aww, don't cry no more.
446
00:24:03,675 --> 00:24:06,610
Oh, Edith, don't cry no more.
447
00:24:27,532 --> 00:24:30,066
♪
448
00:24:30,068 --> 00:24:32,536
All in the Family
was recorded on tape
449
00:24:32,538 --> 00:24:34,404
before a live audience.
450
00:24:34,454 --> 00:24:39,004
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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