Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Edith, I'm home, and I'm sore as hell.

There you are!

All right, all right, all right, all right, all right.

How was your day?

My day was stinko.

And I'm hungry, Edith, so get some dinner on the table, huh?

Yeah, sure. You're gonna love it!

Oh, I bet I can guess what it is, Edith.

Is it meatloaf?

How did you know?

Of course this ain't my day, Edith, and I had meatloaf for lunch.

All right, forget about it. Just serve it up.

Let's get it over with.

Oh, yeah, well, you're gonna love it,

'cause this meatloaf is different.

Instead of bread crumbs, I used bran flakes.

You put bran flakes into a meatloaf?

Yeah, they're good for ya.

Oh, jeez, Edith, when you're cookin',

just concentrate on makin' the food fit to go in, never mind goin' out.

Well, ain't you gonna ask me

why my day was stinko?

Yeah, sure. Why was your day stinko?

Stretch's fault again.

Oh, Stretch Cunningham?

That's right. Stretch Cunningham.

The most hot-blooded white man I know.

There I am, Edith.

A brand new, big shipment on the loading dock,

and I'm short-handed anyway, you know,

and at that moment, Stretch, see,

makes believe he's sick and takes off on one of his matinees.

He went to the movies?

Edith, Edith. "Matinees."

I explained that word to you once before.

You don't remember "matinee," huh?

Playin' dirty doctor in the afternoon.

You still don't get it, huh?

It's what normal, decent people do

when they come home at night and go upstairs.

Ohh.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Oh, Archie. Stretch would never do that.

What are you talking about?

He does it every chance he gets, Edith.

Eat your salad. It's good ruffage.

Edith, at my age, I don't need ruffage, I need smoothage.

And every time Stretch does this, you see,

I'm the guy who's gotta do his work for him.

I'm tired of him floozing around, you know.

I mean, he gets all the fun out of it. I get the backache.

[PHONE RINGS]

I'll get it. Eat your salad.

I ain't gonna stop naggin' you till you finish all of it.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Hank. How are you?

No. He's in the kitchen, dumping out his salad!

What?

Oh, no.

Oh, my goodness. That's terrible.

What--what happened?

Oh, my.

Well, yeah. I'll tell him.

Yeah.

Oh, thanks for calling, Hank.

Bye.

So, who was that?

Archie...

Stretch Cunningham is dead.

What?

That was Hank Pivnik. He called to tell us.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

What happened?

He had a heart attack.

Oh, over at the girlfriend's.

Oh, Edith, lots of guys get heart attacks right in the middle.

Oh, no.

Hank said he died in the doctor's office.

Oh, he crawled over there.

Oh, Edith. Jeez.

Archie, do you want to cry?

'Cause it's okay for a man to cry if he wants to.

No, Edith. I don't want to cry.

The Reader's Digest says it's okay.

Then let The Reader's Digest cry.

Little condensed tears.

Archie, is it in the morning paper?

Well...

There's a Cunningham here in the oblituaries, Edith.

The name is Jerome, which--

Well, unless that was his nickname, huh?

Oh, no. Stretch was his nickname.

You might be right, Edith, yeah.

What the hell does this mean here? "Fun serv pend."

Oh, that means "funeral services pending."

Oh, gee.

One of these days, we're going to open up the papers, Edith,

and we're going to see our names

with "fun serv pend" down there.

Oh, Archie, we shouldn't talk like that.

We shouldn't even be sad.

If Stretch was here, he'd be tellin' jokes, and making us laugh.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Gee, he used to say

some funny things, didn't he though?

Oh, yeah. [LAUGHS]

No, don't laugh too much. Don't laugh too much.

Be polite. Be polite.

I'll tell you though, the thing that makes me feel bad

is all the mean things I was sayin'

about his matinees and all of that, you know?

He could have been dead right when I was complaini'' about him, Edith, yeah?

Hey. Maybe he even heard me.

Oh, no. He couldn't have heard you,

'specially if he was dead.

Dead is the time when a spirit hears things, Edith.

Now, how do you know that Stretch's spirit

ain't here right now, listenin' to every word we say?

Right here, in this room.

But he lived in the Bronx.

His spirit didn't have to stay in the Bronx.

Jeez, if you was his spirit, would you stay in the Bronx?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Aah! Oh!

Oh, my goodness. That was the door.

Of course, it's the door.

[KNOCK]

Oh, yeah. I'm coming.

I'll get it. I'll get it.

Oh, my.

Excuse me. Is this the Bunker house?

Oh, yeah.

My name is Harry Moss.

I'm Stretch Cunningham's brother-in-law.

Archie, Stretch Cunningham's brother-in-law...

Yeah, I know. I heard, I heard, I heard you.

Just step aside. Let me take over here.

Yeah, I'm Archie Bunker. How are you? Come on in.

Here, let me have your coat. Thanks.

His coat-- yeah, yeah.

Well, well, well.

Huh, Edith?

Yeah. Well, well, well.

[SIGHS]

We're awful sorry and all.

Jeez, he went like that. [SNAPS]

We didn't have chance to run over there and say nothing to him...

It's too bad he didn't have a lingering death, huh?

Yeah, well, come on in.

Come on in. Come on. Just make yourself at home.

Just sit down, see? Thank you.

Oh, but not there. Sit over here...

Oh, thank you.

You know, Stretch spoke of you

with great affection many times.

Oh, well, hey, listen.

I and all the boys down at work,

we was crazy about Stretch.

Yes, but you were one of his favorite friends.

Well, listen. I'd do anything for Stretch.

Yes, I know. That's why I've come to ask

a very special favor of you in Stretch's memory.

Oh? What kind of a favor?

Well, it seems that the family finds itself in the position--

Oh, hold it, hold it.

You want me to chip in for the funeral,

I mean 10 bucks, maybe 20 tops.

Oh, no, that's all been taken care of.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yes.

Listen, I would've went to 50.

The family wanted me to ask you if you would honor us

by saying a few words at the funeral.

Saying a few words? Yes.

Me? Yes.

No. Yeah.

No. Yes.

No. Yeah.

No. And stay out of this, will ya?

Harry, let me tell you--

I think Stretch would have wanted it that way, Mr. Bunker.

Well, that may be,

but look, Harry, to tell you the truth, uh...

See, I'm very different from most people.

Death bothers me, you know?

The hole in the ground there,

the coffin, the straps and the rollers,

and the thing goin' down--and--

I can't get no joy out of that, Harry.

Oh, Archie, do it for Stretch.

This might be the last chance to do something nice for him.

Edith, I can't do it.

Archie, he might be listenin' to us right now.

Okay. Yeah, all right.

Thank you, Mr. Bunker. Thank you.

The funeral is at noon on Sunday.

Here is the address. Thank you and God bless you.

Good-bye. Wouldn't you like a cup of coffee?

Oh, no, thanks. I still have to pick out the coffin.

Ah, why couldn't you say "container"?

Bye.

Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute! No, no. Call him back, Edith!

Call him back. I changed my mind.

I can't go through with it.

But why not?

Edith, Edith, I can't-- I can't--

All right, look at it this way, Edith.

I ain't no good at this.

How would you like to see me

just louse up poor Stretch's funeral?

Oh, Archie, you ain't gonna do that.

You've been to lots of funerals.

I know. I know, Edith,

but I ain't never yet delivered a urology.

Hey, Arch. Yeah?

I finished your eulogy for ya. You're gonna love it.

Oh, gee, great. I was awful worried about that. Let me see it.

Hey, this is one time when it pays

to have a professor in the family, huh?

Let's see what you got me here.

Ah. "Friends." Good.

"I have been asked to pay tribute to my good friend Stretch Cunningham."

Good.

"For what is the measure of a man..."

That's good.

"He comes into this world torn naked...

from his mother's womb."

Good, huh?

Am I supposed to say this?

"Over the departed remains," huh?

"To console the dearly beloved remainders"?

"Torn naked from his mother's womb"?

Well, what do you wanna say?

He was torn from his mother's womb wearing a tuxedo?

Don't be making no jokes. A man is dead...

[BOTH YELLING AT ONCE]

Wait a minute. Wait, wait. I didn't want to do this.

It ain't that I don't appreciate what you're trying to do,

but can't you put a little religion into that thing?

Even though you don't believe in it there.

You know what I mean? Just try to sprinkle a few things in there.

"Lord" or "God." "Jesus" in there, you know?

Arch, how do we know Stretch was religious?

I don't care if he was or not.

Don't you understand? He's dead now.

Dead is the time for religion.

Hey. You gotta sprinkle some holy names in there

to let them know up there that the good man is on his way.

Oh, you mean it's like making a reservation.

Yes.

Why don't you send 'em a telegram?

Ohh.

You're gonna be sorry for that, buddy.

You're gonna be very sorry. Wait till you die.

Wait till you see how disappointed you're going to be.

There ain't gonna be no Bible for you there,

no coffin, no services, no nothing.

I know. I'm going to be cremated.

No. You're going to be minced.

And you're gonna be stuffed into one of them intestinary cases

like a Polack sausage.

And they're gonna hang you in the refrigerator,

'cause that's where you spent the most of your life.

It won't make any difference to me, Arch,

because I won't know it.

Oh, no, no. You won't know it,

but your immortal soul will knoweth it

when it departeth from your bodieth, buddy,

and it winds up burnin' and bubblin'

in the fires and brimstones of hell.

Which, of course, I know you don't believe in hell.

That's right.

Let me ask you something. I always wanted to ask you.

Did you ever in your life tell anybody, "go to hell"?

Oh, don't give me a long story.

Give me a "yes" or "no." Yes.

Yes! Well, where'd you want 'em to go, Disneyland?

Arch, that's just an expression.

Ohh, an expression.

Oh, buddy, wait till you get down there,

and the devil and all his little nimps are running around there

with their red-hot pitchforks, waiting to stick 'em into your heiney there.

I want to be there when you look the devil in the eye

and say, "I ain't burnin' down here.

That's just an expression."

Boy, the devil's gonna give you the hee-haw.

And, uh, Arch, you say that hell

is down there in the bowels of the Earth?

Down in the bowels of the Earth,

where nobody livin' can find.

I don't know, Arch. Exxon's drillin' all over the place.

They're bound to find it.

Keep on talking, buddy.

You're only making Him madder and madder there.

You pointin' at God?

Just for a second.

Come on. Sit down here and get to this thing.

Please put a little religion in here.

Now, Stretch needs it. He needs it.

That afternoon sinning is the worst kind of all.

What? Do it, do it. Just do it.

But what am I supposed to write?

Oh, I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna help you.

Here. Just a minute.

All right. Here's the pencil, see?

Now, here's the Good Book.

[GROANS] What do you want me to do with that?

Come on, atheist. Don't be afraid of it there.

It ain't a booby-trap. It's only the Bible.

There. Open it up. I'll bet you find something good

on the front page.

You know, you're right? There's something perfect.

What is it?

Placed here by the Gideon Society.

Property of the Ramada Inn.

Archie, come on.

It's in here. It's late.

I don't wanna go right in.

I don't wanna go right in. I can't go right in.

Oh, yes, you can. I can't, I can't.

Archie, remember the story of the little choo-choo train

that was trying to get up the hill?

It kept saying, "I think I can,

I think I can, I think I can." Stop that. Stop that.

Stop that. Stop it. And it did.

Every time you tell me that story,

I wish to God I was on that damn little train.

Come on. They're startin'.

[MAN CHANTS PRAYER]

Come on.

Come on, come on. We made a mistake.

This is a funeral for a Jewish guy here.

EDITH: But wait. There's Mr. Moss.

Mr. Bunker, I'm so glad you're here.

We're just about ready for you.

Here's your yarmulke.

[WHIMPERS] Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

What's going on, Edith?

I guess Stretch must have been Jewish.

Stretch Jewish?

With a name like Cunningham?

Oh, well, Archie, what's in a name?

A Jewish name ain't supposed to have no "ham" in it, Edith.

I can't believe this. If he was really Jewish,

why didn't he tell us, some of his closest buddies?

It wouldn't have made no difference.

Maybe he thought it would.

Friends, we are here today to say farewell

to Jerome Cunningham,

beloved son of Heim Cohenheimer.

A close friend of Jerome's is here today

to say some parting words.

Mr. Archie Bunker.

Wait a minute. Don't forget your beanie!

Ouch!

Don't put your foot in the aisle.

Um...

See, I, uh...

I had a--a speech here to read,

but it's, uh--

it's got two or three "Jesus's" in it here.

Not that-- there's nothin' wrong with that.

I mean, after all, Jesus himself was a Jew,

till his father sat him down and told him "No more of that."

But, even so, I--I couldn't use it,

'cause it--it's got "heavens" in there, too,

and I don't know if Stretch believed in heaven.

And, uh-- well, even if he did,

maybe he wouldn't wanna go there,

because, uh--

well, it's full of Christians up there, you know?

And him bein' a Jew, maybe he'd be scared

they'd be layin' for him up there.

Uh...

Well...

Uh, I worked shoulder to shoulder with Stretch

for 11 or 12 years, and I knew him good.

Well, not as good as I thought.

I mean, uh--

I wish I'da knew he was Jewish,

because, uh,

there was an awful lot of remarks and jokes

passed around the job there, you know?

Some of the other guys was great for that, you know.

And not that Stretch ever felt bad.

No, he was one of them up guys, you know?

One of the uppest guys you ever met, see?

He was always laughin', tellin' jokes himself.

Many a Jewish joke he told.

Uh, like he told the one about the priest said to the rabbi...

He told about the priest said to the rabbi,

"How come you never eat no ham?"

And the rabbi says, "Well, it's against my religion."

Then the rabbi said to the priest,

"How come you never go out with a girl?"

And the priest said, "Well, that's against my religion."

And the rabbi said, "You oughta try it. It's better than ham."

But...

I wouldn'ta believed that Stretch was a Jew, you know?

'Cause, uh... I mean, after all, uh...

I mean, he wasn't a doctor

or a lawyer or in the dress business.

Nothin' like that.

I mean, he was just-- like myself, he was just a--

a-a-an ordinary, hard-workin' stiff, and...

well--oh.

Well...I mean...

A hard-workin' union man,

and--and you could never tell that Stretch was Jewish

by lookin' at his face.

And I never seen nothin' else.

Well, I--I mean...

Um...

No, like a birth certificate, or nothin' like that, you know?

Well, I'd better wind this up.

Uh, I heard it said that...

that the blues-- you know, havin' the blues

takes years off of your life.

And, if that's true,

then...it must be true that laughin' puts years on--

on your life.

And, if that's true,

then Stretch put some years on my life.

And, uh...

And you gotta love a guy for doin' that.

So, uh...

Uh, Stretch-- uh, Jerome...

Uh, unless you're down at this end here...

I--I only wish that while you was livin', and...

while you was livin'...

that, uh, I made you laugh a little more.

Shalom.

[CRIES]

What are you cryin' for? I wasn't that bad.

♪

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0