All language subtitles for All In the Family s07e19 Stretch Cunningham, Goodbye.eng

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Edith, I'm home,
and I'm sore as hell.

There you are!

All right, all right,
all right, all right, all right.

How was your day?

My day was stinko.

And I'm hungry, Edith, so get
some dinner on the table, huh?

Yeah, sure.
You're gonna love it!

Oh, I bet I can guess
what it is, Edith.

Is it meatloaf?

How did you know?

Of course this ain't my day,
Edith, and I had meatloaf for lunch.

All right, forget about it.
Just serve it up.

Let's get it over with.

Oh, yeah, well,
you're gonna love it,

'cause this meatloaf
is different.

Instead of bread crumbs,
I used bran flakes.

You put bran flakes
into a meatloaf?

Yeah, they're good for ya.

Oh, jeez, Edith,
when you're cookin',

just concentrate on makin'
the food fit to go in, never mind goin' out.

Well, ain't you
gonna ask me

why my day was stinko?

Yeah, sure.
Why was your day stinko?

Stretch's fault again.

Oh, Stretch Cunningham?

That's right.
Stretch Cunningham.

The most hot-blooded
white man I know.

There I am, Edith.

A brand new, big shipment
on the loading dock,

and I'm short-handed
anyway, you know,

and at that moment,
Stretch, see,

makes believe he's sick
and takes off on one of his matinees.

He went to the movies?

Edith, Edith.
"Matinees."

I explained that word
to you once before.

You don't remember
"matinee," huh?

Playin' dirty doctor
in the afternoon.

You still don't
get it, huh?

It's what normal,
decent people do

when they come home at night
and go upstairs.

Ohh.

Ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding.

Oh, Archie. Stretch
would never do that.

What are you
talking about?

He does it every chance
he gets, Edith.

Eat your salad.
It's good ruffage.

Edith, at my age,
I don't need ruffage, I need smoothage.

And every time Stretch
does this, you see,

I'm the guy who's gotta
do his work for him.

I'm tired of him
floozing around, you know.

I mean, he gets all
the fun out of it. I get the backache.

[PHONE RINGS]

I'll get it.
Eat your salad.

I ain't gonna stop naggin' you
till you finish all of it.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Hank.
How are you?

No. He's in the kitchen,
dumping out his salad!

What?

Oh, no.

Oh, my goodness.
That's terrible.

What--what happened?

Oh, my.

Well, yeah.
I'll tell him.

Yeah.

Oh, thanks
for calling, Hank.

Bye.

So, who was that?

Archie...

Stretch Cunningham is dead.

What?

That was Hank Pivnik.
He called to tell us.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

What happened?

He had a heart attack.

Oh, over at
the girlfriend's.

Oh, Edith, lots of guys
get heart attacks right in the middle.

Oh, no.

Hank said he died
in the doctor's office.

Oh, he crawled over there.

Oh, Edith. Jeez.

Archie, do you
want to cry?

'Cause it's okay for a man
to cry if he wants to.

No, Edith.
I don't want to cry.

The Reader's Digest
says it's okay.

Then let
The Reader's Digest cry.

Little condensed tears.

Archie, is it
in the morning paper?

Well...

There's a Cunningham
here in the oblituaries, Edith.

The name is Jerome,
which--

Well, unless that was
his nickname, huh?

Oh, no. Stretch
was his nickname.

You might be right,
Edith, yeah.

What the hell
does this mean here? "Fun serv pend."

Oh, that means
"funeral services pending."

Oh, gee.

One of these days,
we're going to open up the papers, Edith,

and we're going
to see our names

with "fun serv pend"
down there.

Oh, Archie,
we shouldn't talk like that.

We shouldn't even be sad.

If Stretch was here,
he'd be tellin' jokes, and making us laugh.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
Gee, he used to say

some funny things,
didn't he though?

Oh, yeah.
[LAUGHS]

No, don't laugh too much.
Don't laugh too much.

Be polite. Be polite.

I'll tell you though,
the thing that makes me feel bad

is all the mean things
I was sayin'

about his matinees
and all of that, you know?

He could have been dead
right when I was complaini'' about him, Edith, yeah?

Hey. Maybe he even heard me.

Oh, no. He couldn't
have heard you,

'specially if he was dead.

Dead is the time
when a spirit hears things, Edith.

Now, how do you know
that Stretch's spirit

ain't here right now,
listenin' to every word we say?

Right here,
in this room.

But he lived in the Bronx.

His spirit didn't have
to stay in the Bronx.

Jeez, if you was his spirit,
would you stay in the Bronx?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Aah! Oh!

Oh, my goodness.
That was the door.

Of course,
it's the door.

[KNOCK]

Oh, yeah.
I'm coming.

I'll get it.
I'll get it.

Oh, my.

Excuse me. Is this
the Bunker house?

Oh, yeah.

My name is Harry Moss.

I'm Stretch Cunningham's
brother-in-law.

Archie,
Stretch Cunningham's brother-in-law...

Yeah, I know. I heard,
I heard, I heard you.

Just step aside.
Let me take over here.

Yeah, I'm Archie Bunker.
How are you? Come on in.

Here, let me
have your coat. Thanks.

His coat--
yeah, yeah.

Well, well, well.

Huh, Edith?

Yeah.
Well, well, well.

[SIGHS]

We're awful
sorry and all.

Jeez, he went like that.
[SNAPS]

We didn't have chance
to run over there and say nothing to him...

It's too bad he didn't have
a lingering death, huh?

Yeah, well, come on in.

Come on in. Come on.
Just make yourself at home.

Just sit down, see?
Thank you.

Oh, but not there.
Sit over here...

Oh, thank you.

You know, Stretch
spoke of you

with great affection
many times.

Oh, well, hey,
listen.

I and all the boys
down at work,

we was crazy
about Stretch.

Yes, but you were one
of his favorite friends.

Well, listen.
I'd do anything for Stretch.

Yes, I know.
That's why I've come to ask

a very special favor of you
in Stretch's memory.

Oh? What kind of a favor?

Well, it seems that the family
finds itself in the position--

Oh, hold it, hold it.

You want me
to chip in for the funeral,

I mean 10 bucks, maybe 20 tops.

Oh, no, that's all been
taken care of.

Oh, yeah?
Oh, yes.

Listen, I would've went to 50.

The family
wanted me to ask you if you would honor us

by saying a few words
at the funeral.

Saying a few words?
Yes.

Me?
Yes.

No.
Yeah.

No.
Yes.

No.
Yeah.

No. And stay out
of this, will ya?

Harry,
let me tell you--

I think Stretch would
have wanted it that way, Mr. Bunker.

Well, that may be,

but look, Harry,
to tell you the truth, uh...

See, I'm very different
from most people.

Death bothers me,
you know?

The hole
in the ground there,

the coffin, the straps
and the rollers,

and the thing goin'
down--and--

I can't get no joy
out of that, Harry.

Oh, Archie,
do it for Stretch.

This might be the last chance
to do something nice for him.

Edith, I can't do it.

Archie, he might be
listenin' to us right now.

Okay. Yeah, all right.

Thank you, Mr. Bunker.
Thank you.

The funeral is
at noon on Sunday.

Here is the address.
Thank you and God bless you.

Good-bye.
Wouldn't you like a cup of coffee?

Oh, no, thanks.
I still have to pick out the coffin.

Ah, why couldn't you
say "container"?

Bye.

Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute! No, no.
Call him back, Edith!

Call him back.
I changed my mind.

I can't go
through with it.

But why not?

Edith, Edith,
I can't-- I can't--

All right, look at it
this way, Edith.

I ain't no good at this.

How would you like
to see me

just louse up
poor Stretch's funeral?

Oh, Archie, you
ain't gonna do that.

You've been
to lots of funerals.

I know. I know, Edith,

but I ain't never yet
delivered a urology.

Hey, Arch.
Yeah?

I finished your eulogy for ya.
You're gonna love it.

Oh, gee, great.
I was awful worried about that. Let me see it.

Hey, this is one time
when it pays

to have a professor
in the family, huh?

Let's see what you got me here.

Ah. "Friends." Good.

"I have been asked to pay
tribute to my good friend Stretch Cunningham."

Good.

"For what is the measure
of a man..."

That's good.

"He comes into this world
torn naked...

from his mother's womb."

Good, huh?

Am I supposed to say this?

"Over the departed remains,"
huh?

"To console the dearly
beloved remainders"?

"Torn naked from
his mother's womb"?

Well, what do you wanna say?

He was torn from his mother's
womb wearing a tuxedo?

Don't be making no jokes.
A man is dead...

[BOTH YELLING AT ONCE]

Wait a minute. Wait, wait.
I didn't want to do this.

It ain't that I don't appreciate
what you're trying to do,

but can't you put
a little religion into that thing?

Even though you don't
believe in it there.

You know what I mean?
Just try to sprinkle a few things in there.

"Lord" or "God."
"Jesus" in there, you know?

Arch, how do we know
Stretch was religious?

I don't care
if he was or not.

Don't you understand?
He's dead now.

Dead is the time
for religion.

Hey. You gotta sprinkle
some holy names in there

to let them know up there
that the good man is on his way.

Oh, you mean it's like
making a reservation.

Yes.

Why don't you send 'em
a telegram?

Ohh.

You're gonna be sorry
for that, buddy.

You're gonna be very sorry.
Wait till you die.

Wait till you see
how disappointed you're going to be.

There ain't gonna be
no Bible for you there,

no coffin, no services,
no nothing.

I know. I'm going
to be cremated.

No. You're going
to be minced.

And you're gonna
be stuffed into one of them intestinary cases

like a Polack sausage.

And they're gonna hang you
in the refrigerator,

'cause that's where you spent
the most of your life.

It won't make any
difference to me, Arch,

because I won't know it.

Oh, no, no.
You won't know it,

but your immortal soul
will knoweth it

when it departeth
from your bodieth, buddy,

and it winds up
burnin' and bubblin'

in the fires and
brimstones of hell.

Which, of course, I know
you don't believe in hell.

That's right.

Let me ask you something.
I always wanted to ask you.

Did you ever in your life
tell anybody, "go to hell"?

Oh, don't give me
a long story.

Give me a "yes" or "no."
Yes.

Yes! Well, where'd you
want 'em to go, Disneyland?

Arch, that's just
an expression.

Ohh, an expression.

Oh, buddy, wait till
you get down there,

and the devil
and all his little nimps are running around there

with their red-hot pitchforks,
waiting to stick 'em into your heiney there.

I want to be there
when you look the devil in the eye

and say, "I ain't
burnin' down here.

That's just an expression."

Boy, the devil's gonna
give you the hee-haw.

And, uh, Arch,
you say that hell

is down there
in the bowels of the Earth?

Down in the bowels
of the Earth,

where nobody livin'
can find.

I don't know, Arch.
Exxon's drillin' all over the place.

They're bound
to find it.

Keep on talking, buddy.

You're only making Him
madder and madder there.

You pointin' at God?

Just for a second.

Come on. Sit down here
and get to this thing.

Please put a little
religion in here.

Now, Stretch needs it.
He needs it.

That afternoon sinning
is the worst kind of all.

What?
Do it, do it. Just do it.

But what am I
supposed to write?

Oh, I'm gonna help you.
I'm gonna help you.

Here.
Just a minute.

All right.
Here's the pencil, see?

Now, here's the Good Book.

[GROANS]
What do you want me to do with that?

Come on, atheist.
Don't be afraid of it there.

It ain't a booby-trap.
It's only the Bible.

There. Open it up.
I'll bet you find something good

on the front page.

You know, you're right?
There's something perfect.

What is it?

Placed here
by the Gideon Society.

Property of
the Ramada Inn.

Archie, come on.

It's in here.
It's late.

I don't wanna
go right in.

I don't wanna
go right in. I can't go right in.

Oh, yes, you can.
I can't, I can't.

Archie, remember the story
of the little choo-choo train

that was trying
to get up the hill?

It kept saying,
"I think I can,

I think I can,
I think I can." Stop that. Stop that.

Stop that. Stop it.
And it did.

Every time
you tell me that story,

I wish to God I was
on that damn little train.

Come on.
They're startin'.

[MAN CHANTS PRAYER]

Come on.

Come on, come on.
We made a mistake.

This is a funeral
for a Jewish guy here.

EDITH: But wait.
There's Mr. Moss.

Mr. Bunker,
I'm so glad you're here.

We're just about
ready for you.

Here's your yarmulke.

[WHIMPERS]
Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

What's going on, Edith?

I guess Stretch
must have been Jewish.

Stretch Jewish?

With a name
like Cunningham?

Oh, well, Archie,
what's in a name?

A Jewish name ain't supposed
to have no "ham" in it, Edith.

I can't believe this.
If he was really Jewish,

why didn't he tell us,
some of his closest buddies?

It wouldn't have
made no difference.

Maybe he thought
it would.

Friends, we are here today
to say farewell

to Jerome Cunningham,

beloved son
of Heim Cohenheimer.

A close friend of Jerome's
is here today

to say some parting words.

Mr. Archie Bunker.

Wait a minute.
Don't forget your beanie!

Ouch!

Don't put your foot
in the aisle.

Um...

See, I, uh...

I had a--a speech
here to read,

but it's, uh--

it's got two or three
"Jesus's" in it here.

Not that--
there's nothin' wrong with that.

I mean, after all,
Jesus himself was a Jew,

till his father sat him down
and told him "No more of that."

But, even so,
I--I couldn't use it,

'cause it--it's got
"heavens" in there, too,

and I don't know if
Stretch believed in heaven.

And, uh--
well, even if he did,

maybe he wouldn't
wanna go there,

because, uh--

well, it's full of Christians
up there, you know?

And him bein' a Jew,
maybe he'd be scared

they'd be layin' for him
up there.

Uh...

Well...

Uh, I worked shoulder
to shoulder with Stretch

for 11 or 12 years,
and I knew him good.

Well, not as good
as I thought.

I mean, uh--

I wish I'da knew
he was Jewish,

because, uh,

there was an awful lot
of remarks and jokes

passed around
the job there, you know?

Some of the other guys
was great for that, you know.

And not that Stretch
ever felt bad.

No, he was one of them
up guys, you know?

One of the uppest
guys you ever met, see?

He was always laughin',
tellin' jokes himself.

Many a Jewish joke he told.

Uh, like he told the one about
the priest said to the rabbi...

He told about the priest
said to the rabbi,

"How come you never
eat no ham?"

And the rabbi says, "Well,
it's against my religion."

Then the rabbi
said to the priest,

"How come you never
go out with a girl?"

And the priest said, "Well,
that's against my religion."

And the rabbi said,
"You oughta try it. It's better than ham."

But...

I wouldn'ta believed that
Stretch was a Jew, you know?

'Cause, uh...
I mean, after all, uh...

I mean, he wasn't a doctor

or a lawyer or in
the dress business.

Nothin' like that.

I mean, he was just--
like myself, he was just a--

a-a-an ordinary,
hard-workin' stiff, and...

well--oh.

Well...I mean...

A hard-workin' union man,

and--and you could never
tell that Stretch was Jewish

by lookin' at his face.

And I never seen
nothin' else.

Well, I--I mean...

Um...

No, like a birth certificate,
or nothin' like that, you know?

Well, I'd better
wind this up.

Uh, I heard it said that...

that the blues--
you know, havin' the blues

takes years off of your life.

And, if that's true,

then...it must be true
that laughin' puts years on--

on your life.

And, if that's true,

then Stretch put
some years on my life.

And, uh...

And you gotta love a guy
for doin' that.

So, uh...

Uh, Stretch--
uh, Jerome...

Uh, unless you're down
at this end here...

I--I only wish that
while you was livin', and...

while you was livin'...

that, uh, I made you laugh
a little more.

Shalom.

[CRIES]

What are you cryin' for?
I wasn't that bad.

♪

All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

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