Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

[MUFFLED ANNOUNCEMENT OVER PA]

You know how I hate this.

We're probably the only two people in the whole world

screwy enough to be takin' a bus to Woodbine, New Jersey.

Oh, Archie. It's just for the weekend.

And just think, it's Aunt Iola's 90th birthday.

Iola don't bother me. She just sits there and burps.

But the rest of your family, they talk.

Oh, Archie, be nice. This may be our last chance to see Aunt Iola.

Oh, come on. She's gonna live forever.

That bourbon breath of hers, the angel of death is scared to get close to her.

Oh, excuse me.

I told you I wasn't interested.

Be careful how you look at men, will ya?

Hey, buddy, we'd like a couple of round-trippers

on the ten o'clock bus to Woodbine, New Jersey.

You're going to Woodbine?

Yeah.

We got condemned relatives over there.

Two tickets, ten o'clock to Woodbine.

That's $9.11.

Give me the money, Archie.

Your relations, Edith, your money.

Oh, okay.

Will the ten o'clock bus be on time?

Oh, yes. But "on time" for the ten o'clock bus

is 10:30.

All the busses to Jersey

is always a half hour late.

Even the drivers don't want to go over there.

Come on, let's sit down.

We only got half an hour to kill.

Oh! There's--there's a scale. I'm gonna weigh myself.

Ah...

Got a half an hour to kill.

A half hour here could kill us.

Oh, my!

What do you weigh?

Four hundred twenty-seven pounds!

You're always blowin' good money on things like scales.

Wait a minute. I got a fortune.

Archie, listen to this.

You are going to take a trip.

Big deal, Edith.

Every scale in a bus station

says you're going to take a trip.

But how does the scale know it's in a bus station.

Because it sees the passengers coming and going.

Sit down here!

Rest your brain.

Don't be walkin' around. You don't know who the hell is around here.

Oh, Jeez. Get a load of this back here.

Oh. I guess they're in love.

I'm sure they're in love, Edith.

Ain't that sweet, Archie?

Sweet? A couple of guys?

Oh!

Somethin' wrong, buddy?

No, I don't see nothin' wrong.

[MUFFLED ANNOUNCEMENT OVER PA]

Archie, that man has our bag!

I know that, Edith. I know that.

I know that. I know that.

Well...?

Don't do nothin'. Don't do nothin'.

Don't do nothin', Edith.

Mister, excuse me, but you got our bag.

I ain't got nothi'' of yours, lady.

Yeah, you do. See, it looks just like yours.

Lady, would you just sit down.

No. See, ours has got an Atlantic City.

See, it's on there. Here.

It's yours. There.

Thanks. Have a nice trip.

Thank you. Bye!

There we are!

What's the matter, Archie?

I'll never get over it, Edith?

What?

How you manage to live so long.

I hope I turned the gas off.

You turned the gas off.

Did you turn out all the lights?

I turned out all the lights.

I hope I didn't leave the faucet dripping--

You didn't leave no faucet dripping in the sink.

Did you put the garbage out--

I put the garbage can out.

Aw, jeez...

You didn't put it out in front.

Don't bark at me, huh?

Why didn't ya?

I don't know.

I was afraid somebody would steal it, Edith.

Leave me alone.

Well, I guess Teresa will look after things.

Sure she'll look after it. She's home there all weekend.

What the hell else has she got to do?

♪ Da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪

I still don't have it right.

Show me the thing again. Ooh, that hurts!

Hey! Hey, Mike!

Mike, I love the music, but I got a problem.

I can't move like the girls do.

Don't worry about it. If you can move like the girls,

you have other problems.

No, Brian's a good pupil.

Thanks. Hey, I got an apple for the teacher.

BOTH: Aw...

It's our one-month anniversary.

Yeah, and what a month.

Do you know it was one week

before this little lady let me hold her hand?

Two weeks before I could hug her?

Three weeks before I could kiss her?

Hang in there. Maybe you'll get lucky by Easter.

I made some delicious dessert.

It's called flan.

Flan! She makes the greatest flan in the world!

It's probably fattening! Come on, let's try it.

Look at the time!

I'm sorry, Teresa,

but we've got to get home and relieve the babysitter.

Ah, honey, no flan?

Take it home with you.

Take it home with us, yeah.

Give me an extra one for Joey.

Honey, Joey can't eat this. It's too rich!

All right. I'll have his.

You two have a good time.

You got the whole house to yourselves tonight.

Archie and Edith are in New Jersey.

If you want, you've got the whole weekend.

I can imagine what Mr. Bunkers would say

if he found me alone in his house with a man.

You're right. Daddy would never leave me alone here with Michael.

Yeah. We were married at the time.

If we stopped talking,

he'd bang his shoe on our bedroom wall.

To this day every time I hear tap dancing , I get hot.

After the flan, honey, after the flan.

Bye, guys. Have a good time!

Thanks a lot. Great night. Thanks.

Good night.

Well...

PA: ...is now arriving at platform 7.

I'm thirsty.

Archie. Archie, I want a drink.

"I want a drink!" You sound just like a kid.

Jeez...

You ain't never supposed to take nothin' to drink

before you take a bus trip, Edith.

That bouncin' around. You know what that does to ya.

Them bus drivers, they never stop a bus

unless their own bladder's burstin'.

Come to think of it,

while we're waiting here, you better go to the ladies' room

and take care of everything now.

I don't have to now.

Give it the ol' college try. Put the pressure on, huh, Edith?

Well, all right. You watch the bags.

What else I gotta do?

PA: Attention, passengers...

[MUFFLED SCHEDULE INSTRUCTIONS]

I didn't hear that there, sweetheart.

Give me that again, huh?

[RECITES SCHEDULE INFORMATION IN SPANISH]

Thanks very much there, Chiquita banana.

Hey, mister, they just called your bus.

Was that my bus? They just called that?

Oh, I don't believe it's in the thing.

Hey, Edith? Edith?

Hey, Edith, in there!

Edith?

Uh...

Hey, come on out of there, sweetheart--Holy jeez!

Pervert!

Hey, listen...

Hey, listen, buddy. You gotta do me a favor, see?

What's your problem?

I don't know how I'm gonna get my wife

out of the can in there, and the bus is gonna leave.

Don't rush your wife. There's plenty of time.

Oh, there is?

Sure. Your bus is gone.

Here I am! I'm all ready!

Ah, terrific, Edith. You done swell.

Oh, no. I just fixed my hair.

While you was in there, Edith-- No, just a minute now.

You got a darling way with bad news. You tell her.

You missed your bus.

You like that? Oh, no.

Oh, Archie, I'm sorry!

I think I'm delighted, Edith.

Well, when is the next bus?

That's the last one tonight.

I know I'm delighted now.

Come on, come on.

I give this mission of mercy every chance it deserves. Let's go home.

Oh, but my family, they're going to be so mad.

They won't never speak to us again.

If I'd have knew this, I'd have missed the bus six years ago.

And poor Aunt Iola, 90 years old.

What'll she think?

Edith, you call her up in a couple of days.

You tell her you was at the party, you had a wonderful time.

She'll never know the difference. Let's get outta here!

So what's on your mind?

The same thing that's on your mind.

Unless you've changed your mind.

What's the matter? Still thinking about Mr. Bunker?

But he's in New Jersey.

Oh, no, wherever he is, he is watching us.

He's gone for the weekend.

All right.

I'll come over early tomorrow morning.

Yeah, let's go out. We'll go to the museum.

I wanna go to the Museum of Modern Art.

They have a new photographic essay.

We'll see Lartigue, Steichen, Stiglitz...

Oh, don't bring your friends.

Teresa?

Mr. Bunker can't see us

all the way from New Jersey.

Well, Archie...

Well, what?

We're home.

Nothin' escapes your notice, huh, Edith?

I can't wait until we're upstairs.

Or we could go out to the kitchen

and get something to eat first.

Are ya hungry? Certainly, I'm hungry.

I'm always hungry after a long bus trip.

Wh-where you goin'? Aren't you gonna go out and eat there with me?

No. I'm gonna see if Teresa is home.

She ain't home, Edith.

Ah, look at the time. It's early.

She's probably still out on that date

with that jerk with the mustache.

Archie, Brian Schlemmer is a very nice young man.

He's so polite.

Don't get me wrong. I think he likes girls all right,

but he don't know what the hell to do with 'em.

I think he's in love with Teresa.

Oh, "He's in love..." Come on!

Oh, no, Archie.

She'll feel better if she knows she ain't alone.

Why?

Because she'll hear us making noise down here,

and she'll get scared, thinkin' we're burglars.

Oh, no! Them people can sleep through anything, Edith.

Ain't you never been in a Puerto Rican neighborhood?

They got bongos, sireens, and gunfire

right around the clock.

Tell you what I'll do.

In honor of Iola's birthday, I'll make you eggs tonight.

How do you want 'em?

Oh, Archie, that's so nice.

Sunny-side up.

Well, if I don't break the middle. Scrambled if I do.

Maybe Teresa'll have some!

Are you in bed?

No. I'm waitin' for you, sweetheart.

[HUMMING]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Hey, Edith!

What the hell are you doin', the Peabody?

[FORCED LAUGH]

Teresa up there in her room?

No, no.

She ain't in her room.

Was that you slammin' doors?

No, no.

Well, close some windows up there. The draft is doin' that!

Yeah, right away, Archie.

[YELLING] I'm comin' up to close the windows!

Mrs. Bunkers, I am so embarrassed!

Me, too.

Oh, I thought you were in New Jersey.

Oh, I wish I was.

I wish I were in San Juan.

I didn't expect anything like this to happen.

I just planned to spend a very quiet evening.

Oh...

Then after dinner, the four of us--

The four of you?! Where are the others?!

No, no. It was Mike and Gloria.

And then they went home.

And I don't want to cause you any trouble, Mrs. Bunkers.

You know that.

Oh, Teresa, yeah, I know.

You're a good girl.

But you understand. You were young.

Oh, yeah, but only for a little while.

But you must've felt like this--

all alone in a house with a very handsome man.

And the hot blood pounding in your veins.

What did you do?

Nothin'.

Nothing?

Well, I took piano lessons.

Y-you know Brian?

Yeah, we said hello before.

I'm truly sorry, Mrs. Bunker.

Please don't blame Teresa. It's all my fault.

I can't stay away from her. I love her.

Oh, that's nice.

And I love him.

Well, do you love him enough to get married?

Do we have to?

You see, I think Archie would say this was all right

if you was engaged.

Why?

I don't know. He said it was all right when we was engaged.

Then what did you do?

I played Glow Worm on the piano.

ARCHIE: Everything's ready but the toast.

The toaster won't cook the toast!

Is it plugged in?

Oh, plugged in! Jeez! I'll plug it in!

Listen, Teresa. I know you got a right

to live your life the way you wanna live it,

but you can't live it the way you want to

here in this house with Archie.

I mean, I don't even do that.

ARCHIE: Oh! I got a shock! A shock...

Oh! That's why it wasn't plugged in!

I'll be right down!

Now, Teresa, I'll try to keep Archie in the kitchen.

And Brian, you better get ready and get outta here fast!

I'm going. Thank you, Mrs. Bunker!

Edith, my finger feels like it's burnin' off here!

Gee whiz!

Oh, that's too bad.

[BLOWS HARD]

Go in the kitchen, and we'll put butter on it!

Butter? I gotta stay away from cholesterol!

I'll go up there to the bathroom

and get some of that burn salve and put it on.

No, no! No, Archie.

You used up all that burn salve.

I don't remember that.

Oh, yeah. You thought it was for your hair.

Ah, jeez! Come on.

We'll go in the kitchen and put butter on it.

I don't want no butter on it. We'll use margarine.

Listen, listen.

I was just thinking there, Edith.

How do we get back the money comin' to us

from those tickets we didn't use?

Oh, that's easy, Archie.

I'll go down to the bus depot tomorrow and turn them in.

Where are they?

Where are they? You got 'em.

No, I ain't.

Edith, you took the money out of your purse in the station.

You paid for the tickets, and put them back in your purse.

No, but you took 'em away from me.

I didn't not! Why would you think I done that?

You always do that.

You say I can't be trusted with nothin'.

This proves it, don't it?!

Come on with me out to that living room!

I don't wanna go in there!

Come with me!

I want you to look right in that coat pocket,

both of them there

and show, prove that it ain't there.

No, they ain't there. So where are they then?

Look in your pocket.

They ain't there in this pocket here--

Oh, jeez. Did ya find 'em?

No, but I got a pocket full of margarine!

They ain't in my purse.

When you took your keys out to open the door,

maybe you dropped 'em on the porch, huh?

I'm gonna look on the porch. Look in the pockets of your coat, huh?

All right, I will.

No!

Oh!

ARCHIE: They ain't on the porch, Edith.

They ain't here on the porch.

Did you look in the pockets of your coat there?

No.

Do I have to do that for you?

No, No. I'll look.

You didn't look in your bag enough, Edith.

Oh, thank you!

There's all kinds of stuff in there.

Archie, look!

You got 'em. I told you they were there.

Give me them tickets. You'll lose 'em again.

Come on out to the kitchen. Take care of the toast and eggs.

I got something else I gotta do. What are you gonna do?

I gotta put the garbage can out front.

Oh, no! No! Don't put the can out now!

I don't wanna wake up early in the morning and do it!

[GARBAGE CAN CLANGS]

Good night!

ARCHIE: Hey, Barney! Your dog is killin' my lawn again!

Ah, jeez, look at this.

Now why would you wanna be doi'' a thing like this on the porch

with all of the neighbors givin' you the Orphan Annies, huh?

I mean, ain't you got a little class to go with that mustache?

A nice fella brings a girl home,

he takes her in the house to kiss her good night.

Now do that.

No, no, no more kissing. No more!

You don't want no more kissing?

I don't want no more, neither.

Well, you I ain't surprised at.

I-I gotta go home now, sir.

Thank you. Good night. Yeah, go ahead there.

Good night, Teresa. Good night.

Good night, Mrs. Bunker. Good night.

He's very bashful, ain't he?

Yeah!

What's his last name again?

Schlemmer.

Oh, a German. Oh.

Well, he ain't gonna do nothin'

till you give him orders, you know?

Do you want me to say somethin' to him?

No! No, I like him just the way he is.

Well, it's your romance.

Good night. Thank you.

Oh, good night, Teresa.

Thank you. Good night.

Boy, that girl almost had me fooled.

I just found out something about her.

What, Archie?

She's really very shy.

Oh...

I mean, after all, look at that--

an old-fashioned kiss good night on the porch.

Now, think about this a minute, Edith.

For all they knew, we was in Jersey for the whole weekend.

They could of did anything they wanted here.

They could've-- they could've went wild here, wild, couldn't they?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, but you wouldn't have liked that.

Oh...I would've had to blow my top, there, Edith.

[CHUCKLING]

But honest to God, Edith,

ain't they the couple of dopes? Ha ha! Ha ha!

♪

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0