Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ ....birthday to you ♪

[SINGING OFF-KEY] ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

[OFF-KEY SINGING CONTINUES]

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

And now...

the official poet of the Sunshine Home,

Mr. Sol Kleeger, has composed a poem

for our birthday girl.

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

And he's gonna recite it.

You wanna stand up, Mr. Kleeger?

To say a poem, you have to stand.

Oh, boy.

[LAUGHING]

That's good enough.

To Martha.

I love you for your charming face.

Yeah?

Your wit and your maturity.

Yeah.

But most of all, I love you for...

Yeah?

Your check from Social Security.

How can I thank you, Sol?

We'll think of something later...

in my room.

Come on. It's time to blow out your candles.

Well, that's very good. You almost blew one out.

Let's all help.

One, two, three, blow!

Happy birthday, Aunt Martha.

I just want everybody to know

that I have the greatest little aunt

this side of Chicago.

As a matter of fact, I attribute my success

to a lesson Aunt Martha taught me:

"The early bird catches the worm."

Which is good for the early bird,

but not so good for the early worm.

He always makes me laugh.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[WHEEZING INTAKE OF BREATH]

Look at him--I never saw such a funny face.

I don't think it's a funny face.

What's the matter, Mr. Martin?

Why are you holding your chest?

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

MARTHA: What's happening?

I think he's having a heart attack.

Charlie? Charlie!

SOL: Easy.

I can't hear him breathing.

He ain't got no pulse!

Mrs. Freedman, you better call police emergency.

The number is 9-1-1.

You need a dime, darling?

What are you gonna do, Mrs. Bunker?

Do something!

I guess I'll do my CPR.

The tip of the breastbone.

Two inches with...

I'm sorry, Mr. Martin.

MARTHA: Don't hurt him!

WOMAN: Mrs. Bunker knows what she's doing!

One, two, three, four, five...

What she say?

What did she say?

She's counting.

Why is she counting?

Shut up--that's why!

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Sunshine Home.

Emergency. A heart attack.

Yes, somebody's working on him.

Come in a hurry, please.

Hurry!

[EDITH CONTINUES COUNTING]

...16, I mean 15.

The nurse is out to lunch.

The rescue squad is on the way.

SOL: It's lucky it's only three minutes from here.

His chest is beginning to move!

Is he breathing?

He's gonna be all right, Martha. He's gonna be fine.

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

All his color's coming back.

[EVERYONE EXCLAIMING HAPPILY]

SOL: He's moving!

He's breathing! You did it, Mrs. Bunker.

You're a hero!

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

Mr. Kleeger!

Please, please, take it easy, Mr. Kleeger.

Oh, my goodness.

One heart attack a day is enough!

♪ It's me again ♪

♪ Independent me free again ♪

♪ Time to call up all the crowd ♪

♪ Time to shout out loud ♪

♪ Time to have a party ♪

Hey, Edith, I'm home.

Come on out. I got a terrific story to tell you,

so open up a can of beer there and get the kisses over with.

Come and get it, papi!

[GROANING]

Are you cookin' tonight?

Yes, you lucky devil.

We gonna have chicken.

Stuffed with bananas and dynamite again?

No stuffed.

We're gonna have rice with chicken breast.

Oh, don't say that, huh?

Don't say what?

Breasts.

Never say them two words in mixed company, see.

It ain't delicate.

Oh. So what did you call these?

Don't do that!

If we gotta talk about that, anything from here up

is the chest, you know, the chest.

Oh, okay. So tonight we gonna have chicken chest with "chiss."

I'm only tryin' to help you.

Can you say cheese?

Crack your mouth to the walls.

Can you say cheese?

Chiss. Chiss.

That's a hopeless case.

All right, I'll take whatever you got.

Chicken with the chiss.

Look what I got for you!

Gimme that. Just say "pliss."

How about "please"?

Ah, it's close enough.

Where's Edith?

Some lady had her birthday at the Sunshine Home.

Oh, my God, every time she comes home from that joint,

she smells like rubber stockings in the morning.

And I had this very funny story I was dying to tell her.

Don't die, don't die. Tell me.

Tell you, huh?

All right.

Well, this guy Schiff is my boss, see?

I hate him.

And he come in today wearing a brand-new cheap toup, see?

What's a toup?

It's a thing a guy wears on his head.

Oh, like a "hot"?

Not a hot; a hat. Hat.

I don't give a damn about that.

It's got nothing to do with the story.

I'm talking about--a thing a baldy guy would wear

Oh! You're talking about a wig.

All right, wig.

Let me get on with the thing, huh?

Hi, Daddy. Hi, Teresa.

I'm right in the middle of a story here, little girl.

Oh, yeah? What about?

It's about my boss, see...

Teresa, I got all the things at the store that you wanted me to get.

I got the garlic and the oregano.

And I got the "arros." Arroz.

And chorizo. Chorizo.

Uvas, manzana, tapas,

and naranjas! Naranjas!

Olé! Olé!

You've got enough Spanish-Persian in there

to give the trots to an armored division.

I'm sorry, Daddy. What's your story about?

Oh well, it ain't much.

Just the boss come in with a cheap toup today,

and it was hot in the office so he took it off,

put it on the tie stand; the office cat seen it,

jumped upon it, dug a hole in it, and wet in it.

That's disgusting!

If it wasn't disgusting, it wouldn't be funny.

[PHONE RINGS]

Tell 'em to go to hell.

Hello.

No, Mrs. Bunker isn't here right now.

Who's calling?

Kate Korman?

Oh! Oh, you mean...

Kate Korman?!

Oh, my!

What do you want Mother for?

She did?

What'd your mother do?

What man?

A man?

Where did it happen?

What the hell did Edith do with a man?

Don't give me no Puerto Rican answer to that.

Oh, well. Oh, my, Miss Korman.

That's simply fantastic, isn't it?

Yes. Yes, that would be wonderful!

I'm sure Mother would be delighted to see you.

We all would be delighted to see you.

Yes, please, do come right over.

We would be so honored.

Oh. Ha ha!

You're welcome, Miss Korman.

Oh, good-bye.

Bye-bye.

[SHRIEKS EXCITEDLY]

Oh, shut up there, will you?!

Who were you talking to there in the Jackie Manassas voice?

Daddy, it was Miss Kate Korman!

Where do I know that name?

You know her; she's on the evening news.

Oh, geez, that Kate Korman!

Geez, I hate that dame!

That's the dame I never watch every night.

What's the matter with her?

Oh, geez, I can't stand them lady newscasters.

They ain't got the voice for it, ya know?

A woman's got a voice for saying things like,

"Would you like a piece of lemon meringue pie?"

or, "Yes, I will have this waltz with you,"

or something like that, ya see.

But for the news, when I'm looking at that last ten,

twelve minutes of tragedies there every night,

I want somebody there

[GRUFF VOICE] with a voice like a ghost.

They're all men make the disasters;

let men report them.

Don't hit your father!

I think Kate Korman is terrific.

Oh, get outta here.

Anyway, you know why she called here?

She wants Mrs. Bunker on her show?

Yes!

[PIERCING SHRIEK]

Don't scream.

It goes through my head like a nail.

She wants Ma on the evening news tonight

as the Citizen of the Week!

Ah, geez. Hey, did I tell youse

Hollywood wants me to play Rudy Valentino?

Daddy, you don't understand.

Ma saved someone's life today at the Sunshine Home!

Don't be doin' these things to me. Get off me there!

Saved somebody's life.

What did she do, throw herself in the way of a runaway wheelchair?

No!

Ma!

You won't believe what happened to me...

[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]

What a day, what a day.

She plops herself down on my chair.

We heard all about it because Kate Korman called,

and she wants you as Citizen of the Week on her television show tonight.

Me on television? What for?

Because you saved somebody's life.

Yeah, Ma, give us the details.

Will you get outta my chair?!

I'll sit here.

So, Ma, give us the details.

Who is this guy whose life you saved?

Mrs. Linfoot's nephew

had a heart attack--

I feel like I'm on a subway.

...CPR and he started breathing again.

GLORIA: CPR?

That's cardiopulmonary resuscitation.

She can handle that, and she can't say "cheese."

Archie, what are you doin' all the way back here?

Where would the three of youse like me--

up in the terlet?

[HORN HONKS]

I hear something out there!

That's not them already, is it?

What are they runnin' over there?

It's a CBS truck, and it's Kate Korman!

What is goin' on?

Don't be-- this is crazy!

What is goin' on here?

Let me see what in the hell's goin' on there.

There's the truck out there with the big eye.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[ALL CLAMORING]

Please, Daddy, I wanna answer it!

Get back!

Shut up, all of youse!

Oh, hi there.

Hello. I'm Kate Korman.

Oh, you didn't need to tell me.

Your face is a household word.

Come in and welcome to the Bunker home--

the only home on the block

with a paid-up mortgage.

Which of you ladies is Mrs. Bunker?

She's right over there.

That's me.

You look just like you look on TV.

Hi.

This is my daughter Gloria Stivic.

Yeah, it's my daughter too. Get outta here.

Nice to meet you.

This is Teresa Betancourt.

Yeah, no relation whatsoever.

I got lucky.

How do you do?

And this is my husband--

It's nice to meet you all. Do you mind?

Mrs. Bunker, many congratulations

on your fast thinking today.

You're a natural for my program "Citizen of the Week."

We'll do a live interview here in your living room

on the 7:00 news.

Oh, my--

But I don't have nothin' to wear.

What you're wearing is just fine.

I tell you what.

I got a nice kind of a Disney World shirt.

Would that be too much?

Perfect for Disney World.

Have a good time there.

Mrs. Bunker, let's go over here and sit down, shall we?

I'll ask you a few questions.

You probably wanna know a lot about the neighborhood--

Oh, gee!

Daddy!

Daddy! Get outta there!

Your full name is Mrs. Edith Bunker.

That's right.

Well, long as you're writin' there,

you probably want the husband's name, which is me.

Oh, I've got your name.

You're Mr. Edith Bunker.

MAN: We're gonna give that equipment a final check,

make sure everything is working fine, okay?

[CHATTER]

Let's get this show on the road.

Is everyone ready for rehearsal?

Por favor?

Can we get a level on Mrs. Bunker here?

What are you doing?!

That's a microphone, Mrs. Bunker.

Just say something, anything that comes into your mind.

I smell burnt chicken.

That's fine.

No, it ain't.

That's a chicken burning in the kitchen.

Gloria! Teresa!

Chicken chest with chiss! Ohh!

Now, you know,

I think you would look more important if you sat over here.

But this is my husband's chair.

Who cares?

Rosemary, I'll sit over here.

Now, I will be asking you questions,

and you'll describe colorfully and vividly

how you saved that man's life.

Oh, I don't how to do that.

Well, with Edith sitting in this chair--

it's okay, but, uh, where do you want me, then?

It doesn't matter. The camera won't see you.

Oh. Well, uh, if the camera don't see me,

then you ain't gonna get my picture.

Not if I'm careful.

Oh, Miss Korman, can't Archie be here with me?

When Mr. Bunker accomplishes something newsworthy,

we'll dedicate a program to him.

Oh, well, he was in World War II.

Yeah, he got a Good Conduct medal

and a Purple Heart.

He's still got some shrapnel in him,

but he can't show you where it is.

Well, the-the reason for--

I got the wound over in Italy,

bending over to tie my shoe--

Very interesting,

but we have only 20 minutes till we're on the air.

Will you please go over there,

Oh, yeah, sure. way over there, while we rehearse?

Here. Here. Read this.

Okay, yes, thank you very much.

Just anything to help at all.

Uh, hey there.

I had a pair of them, they was in the closet,

and the mice ate 'em, you know?

Let's see, we got CPR is being taught by the American Heart Association,

Red Cross, and fire department rescue squads across the nation.

CPR must be done within the first four minutes,

that's the difference between livin' and dyin'.

You gettin' that in there?

Mr. Bunker, would you mind reading that to yourself?

We're trying to rehearse.

I was trying to be heard. Now, first I will say

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to Citizen of the Week,"

and then I will introduce you, and you can say hello.

Oh! Can I?

Yes, and then I'll say something else,

like "Because of your skill and alertness,

a man walks the good earth breathing God's clean air..."

Not if he's walking around New York, he ain't.

Now, let's set the scene the way we'll do it.

A man has collapsed.

He stopped breathing.

His heart has ceased to function.

Oh, my! And then what happened?

I was talking about Mr. Martin.

Oh!!

At the Sunshine Home.

Well, see, I figured that he was havin' a heart attack,

and I had some training in CPR.

That's cardiopulmonary resuscitation.

It was on that TV show 60 Minutes once.

We seen it.

We watch all of them high-class educational shows

right through, no matter how exhausted we get.

Tell me, Mrs. Bunker, did you panic?

Oh, no, no. There wasn't time.

Oh...

See, they teach you that the first thing you gotta do

is to force air into the person's lungs.

Hey, Edith really scores on that forcin' air.

You know, at our grandson Joey's birthday party,

she blowed up 50 balloons.

She's probably got enough air in her

to blow a sailboat right through the Panama Canal.

[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER]

Yeah. See, he knows.

Sure. Right here.

Then, I will present you with the award,

and I'll explain to the audience

the CPR technique and how it's used.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, and everybody can learn it.

Never do what they done over my lodge one night.

A guy was there, he passed out at the bar.

Instead of usin' that CPR, they threw a bucket of water on him, see,

and the man drownded.

And he was the chairman of the dance committee.

[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER]

A man died, and you're laughin' here?

Mr. Bunker, we only have 15 minutes before we go on the air.

If you don't get lost, your wife will never get on this program.

I was only hangin' around 'cause I thought at a certain point there,

you was gonna bring me in to the television--

I told you, no.

You wanna go on television, I'll get you a chicken costume

and put you on Let's Make A Deal!

Is she sore at something?

Miss Korman, Archie didn't mean nothin'.

He was just tryin' to help.

Help?! He's done nothing but get in the way!

Say that again.

You are in the way!

You didn't have to tell me twice.

I understood the first time.

Okay, that's it!

I'm in the way!

Well, I'll get the hell outta here and go down to Kelsey's.

Oh, no! Oh, yeah!

Please don't do that.

No, I don't wanna stick around here.

Let Wanda Cronkite over there...

I won't!

Before I leave, I'll say one more thing.

I would like to give you a little bit of technical advice

that might help you in your career, lady.

And what's that?

Zip up your fly.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to Citizen of the Week.

Seated by my side is Mrs. Edith Bunker

of Astoria, a courageous lady

who escaped from the kitchen into the outer world

and literally breathed life into the body of a man

on the brink of death.

Hey, Arch, Kate Korman's doing a show at your house,

and you ain't there?

What do I wanna be there for?

Who needs that?

That's a woman's show.

They started rehearsin' that, I grabbed my hat.

They through ya out, huh?

Edith Bunker, this is your moment.

Say hello to a grateful public.

Hello.

Oh, hi, Gloria and Mike.

That's my daughter and son-in-law.

What about our little grandson?

Oh, and hi, little Joey.

That's our little grandson.

Yeah, here I am.

Your grandma's in your TV.

Oh, but don't touch the wires, especially if you're wet.

Kid's never dry.

Hey, Edith's terrific on the tube!

How you gonna act with a big-shot wife in the house?

How the hell do I know?

Maybe I'll wear a tie to bed.

Pipe down.

Korman's gonna give Edith an award.

And so, this is for you, Edith Bunker,

Citizen of the Week.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, my, that's beautiful!

I wanna say that I could never have done it alone,

so I'd like to thank Mr. Martin for havin' a heart attack.

Oh, and all the other people at the Sunshine Home.

And especially my husband, Archie Bunker.

Hey, Archie, she's talkin' about you!

Shut up! Let the woman talk.

'Cause he's the real hero in the family,

'cause if I wasn't married to a man like that,

who puts up with me goin' out to work,

I wouldn't have been at the Sunshine Home

where I could've saved somebody's life.

Very true. I always give her total freedom.

I hope Archie's watchin' with his pals

at Kelsey's Bar,

and I want him to know that I love him,

and this is for you, Archie.

She didn't have to do that in front of the world.

I will admit one thing though.

She does take a beautiful picture on the television.

♪

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0