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1
00:00:01,200 --> 00:00:03,802
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:03,804 --> 00:00:07,472
♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪
3
00:00:07,474 --> 00:00:10,642
♪ Guys like us,
we had it made ♪
4
00:00:10,644 --> 00:00:13,044
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:13,046 --> 00:00:16,748
♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪
6
00:00:16,750 --> 00:00:19,918
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪
7
00:00:19,920 --> 00:00:25,089
♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:25,091 --> 00:00:28,259
♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪
9
00:00:28,261 --> 00:00:31,362
♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪
10
00:00:31,364 --> 00:00:35,366
♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪
11
00:00:35,368 --> 00:00:41,239
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:45,677 --> 00:00:48,512
Oh, yeah, it still is.
13
00:00:48,514 --> 00:00:50,915
Oh, that's wonderful.
14
00:00:50,917 --> 00:00:53,584
Yeah, thank you very much.
15
00:00:53,586 --> 00:00:54,786
Edith!
Good-bye.
16
00:00:54,788 --> 00:00:56,287
Hey, Edith...
Archie!
17
00:00:56,289 --> 00:00:57,989
Edith, I wanna
show you something sad
18
00:00:57,991 --> 00:00:59,891
and a little bit stupid.
19
00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:01,726
Look at this thing.
Empty.
20
00:01:01,728 --> 00:01:05,163
Marvin the Mouse
escaped again.
21
00:01:05,165 --> 00:01:07,732
See, this thing ain't
strong enough for him.
22
00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:10,501
That only scratches his back
while he's eating.
23
00:01:11,570 --> 00:01:13,371
Maybe it's the bait.
24
00:01:13,373 --> 00:01:15,373
What do you use?
Velveeta.
25
00:01:16,876 --> 00:01:21,680
You can't use a high-class,
delicate cheese like that.
26
00:01:21,682 --> 00:01:24,348
You've got to use
something that stinks.
27
00:01:24,350 --> 00:01:26,417
Stinks, Edith, see?
28
00:01:26,419 --> 00:01:30,121
I'm trying to kill the mices,
you're trying to give them gor-mets dinners here.
29
00:01:30,123 --> 00:01:33,491
Come on in the kitchen,
I'll find a nice, juicy hunk of garbage.
30
00:01:33,493 --> 00:01:35,159
Archie, guess what.
The hospital...
31
00:01:35,161 --> 00:01:36,928
I don't want
to guess nothing, Edith.
32
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:38,597
The hospital placement
service just called.
33
00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:40,264
What become
of the garbage?
34
00:01:40,266 --> 00:01:41,933
Well, I put it out.
35
00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:43,768
Why did you do that?
36
00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:46,037
'Cause I didn't want it
to smell.
37
00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:48,673
That's when garbage
is perfect, Edith.
38
00:01:48,675 --> 00:01:52,911
Archie, the hospital
is sending somebody over to rent the room!
39
00:01:52,913 --> 00:01:56,114
Oh, now, now, wait,
I think I changed my mind about that, Edith.
40
00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:57,682
I don't want
to rent that room.
41
00:01:57,684 --> 00:02:00,852
In the hospital you thought
it was a good idea,
42
00:02:00,854 --> 00:02:03,221
so we could pay some
of our bills.
43
00:02:03,223 --> 00:02:04,723
That was in the hospital.
44
00:02:04,725 --> 00:02:06,290
I was full up with pills
and enemas.
45
00:02:06,292 --> 00:02:09,660
I didn't know whether
I was coming or going.
46
00:02:09,662 --> 00:02:12,964
Ain't you got nothing
rotten in here?
47
00:02:12,966 --> 00:02:18,737
You used to have always
two or three little wrapped-up bags of moldy stuff.
48
00:02:18,739 --> 00:02:20,671
I cleaned it out yesterday.
49
00:02:20,673 --> 00:02:24,976
Couldn't you leave
a little bit of poison for Marvin, huh?
50
00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:26,645
We gotta get that mouse.
51
00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:28,913
Don't you know, mices
is dangerous animals.
52
00:02:28,915 --> 00:02:30,581
Oh, no,
they ain't dangerous.
53
00:02:30,583 --> 00:02:32,217
And Marvin is so cute.
54
00:02:32,219 --> 00:02:34,452
What are you talking about,
they ain't dangerous?
55
00:02:34,454 --> 00:02:37,622
You know your biggest animal
in the world, your elephant,
56
00:02:37,624 --> 00:02:39,591
he's going around
eating his peanuts,
57
00:02:39,593 --> 00:02:41,292
a mouse comes along,
he's scared to death.
58
00:02:41,294 --> 00:02:43,594
I never believed that.
59
00:02:43,596 --> 00:02:46,197
It certainly is true,
'cause the mices run up his trunk.
60
00:02:46,199 --> 00:02:47,365
Oh...
61
00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:49,534
Why would a mouse do that?
62
00:02:49,536 --> 00:02:51,569
To grab away his nuts!
63
00:02:54,806 --> 00:02:58,309
Archie, we gotta
rent that room.
64
00:02:58,311 --> 00:03:01,746
Remember, you were
out of work for five weeks.
65
00:03:01,748 --> 00:03:04,249
Oh, Edith, I don't want
no strangers in the house.
66
00:03:04,251 --> 00:03:06,651
The strangers make
strange noises, there,
67
00:03:06,653 --> 00:03:09,220
and between you, me,
and Marvin the Mouse,
68
00:03:09,222 --> 00:03:10,888
we got strange noises
enough.
69
00:03:10,890 --> 00:03:13,658
What are you shoving
a cup at me for? I got a cup.
70
00:03:17,496 --> 00:03:20,598
Some people is very quiet.
71
00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:23,735
Uhhh...! The quiet ones
are the worst ones of all.
72
00:03:23,737 --> 00:03:25,904
You never know
what the hell they're up to.
73
00:03:25,906 --> 00:03:29,374
Besides, I don't want
to share a bathroom with a stranger.
74
00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:31,542
You go in there,
the soap is in the dish,
75
00:03:31,544 --> 00:03:34,479
you know somebody used it,
but you never know where.
76
00:03:38,350 --> 00:03:41,086
Maybe he'd bring
his own soap.
77
00:03:41,088 --> 00:03:42,954
Yeah, but maybe
he'd like mine better.
78
00:03:42,956 --> 00:03:45,123
Suppose he's one
of them long-haired jerks.
79
00:03:45,125 --> 00:03:46,558
Then there's hair
on the soap,
80
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,226
hair on the soap dish,
hair on the floor
81
00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,562
hair on the sink,
there's hair all over the place.
82
00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:54,232
The place looks like
a bunch of beavers was "hibermating" there.
83
00:03:54,234 --> 00:03:57,602
Well, a nice young
medical student.
84
00:03:57,604 --> 00:04:01,038
Oh, medical students,
the worst of all.
85
00:04:01,040 --> 00:04:03,975
Do you know what them guys
bring home for homework?
86
00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:07,112
Pieces of bodies and old bones.
87
00:04:07,114 --> 00:04:08,679
Wouldn't that be swell?
88
00:04:08,681 --> 00:04:12,917
To see some kid walking
in here with a little bag of toes?
89
00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:15,520
Yeah, but think
of the money.
90
00:04:15,522 --> 00:04:19,290
We could get $100
a month for that room.
91
00:04:19,292 --> 00:04:20,658
Come on, Edith. Never.
92
00:04:20,660 --> 00:04:22,159
Oh, yeah.
93
00:04:23,629 --> 00:04:25,396
Nah. Yeah?
Yeah.
94
00:04:26,898 --> 00:04:27,932
A hundred dollars?
95
00:04:27,934 --> 00:04:28,866
A month.
96
00:04:30,102 --> 00:04:31,769
Times 12 months...
97
00:04:31,771 --> 00:04:33,505
that's nearly $1,000 a year.
98
00:04:36,341 --> 00:04:38,609
I think it'd be more.
99
00:04:38,611 --> 00:04:40,044
Maybe you're right.
100
00:04:42,148 --> 00:04:43,314
But, Edith, look...
101
00:04:43,316 --> 00:04:46,784
use a little of
your horse's sense, there.
102
00:04:46,786 --> 00:04:49,053
You don't want a guy
bringing girls home,
103
00:04:49,055 --> 00:04:51,256
sneaking 'em in
and smuggle 'em up the stairs.
104
00:04:51,258 --> 00:04:52,823
Now, you don't want
a guy like that.
105
00:04:52,825 --> 00:04:54,992
Suppose the guy is a girl.
106
00:04:54,994 --> 00:04:58,629
You wouldn't want
that neither, Edith.
107
00:04:58,631 --> 00:05:01,566
I mean suppose
the person that's coming from the hospital
108
00:05:01,568 --> 00:05:03,601
is a nice girl.
109
00:05:03,603 --> 00:05:05,570
Well, all right,
a nice girl,
110
00:05:05,572 --> 00:05:08,739
but we don't want
one of them real pretty ones,
111
00:05:08,741 --> 00:05:10,408
attracting all
the boyfriends around.
112
00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:12,076
That's nothing
but trouble there.
113
00:05:12,078 --> 00:05:14,045
Get a homely one,
you know?
114
00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:18,115
One of the skinny ones
with the flat chest and the big feet.
115
00:05:18,117 --> 00:05:21,252
Some girl who don't want
nothing more out of life except to work hard
116
00:05:21,254 --> 00:05:23,555
and pay the rent here.
117
00:05:23,557 --> 00:05:26,591
Ask for referendums, see?
118
00:05:26,593 --> 00:05:28,926
There he goes!
He ran right over my shoe!
119
00:05:28,928 --> 00:05:30,395
He's gone
under the stove, Edith!
120
00:05:30,397 --> 00:05:31,896
All right, keep him in there,
and I'll get the broom
121
00:05:31,898 --> 00:05:33,064
and kill him with the broom.
122
00:05:33,066 --> 00:05:34,099
No, not the broom!
123
00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:35,533
I gotta kill him, Edith!
124
00:05:41,774 --> 00:05:45,342
I guess little Marvin
got away.
125
00:05:45,344 --> 00:05:47,311
I wouldn't be
surprised, Edith.
126
00:05:47,313 --> 00:05:49,347
What the hell kind
of housekeeping is that?
127
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:52,851
How come a broom is
propping up a shelf with junk?
128
00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:54,753
Because you put it there
when I asked you--
129
00:05:54,755 --> 00:05:57,121
Never mind, never mind,
never mind.
130
00:05:57,123 --> 00:05:58,555
I've got something
important to do.
131
00:05:58,557 --> 00:06:00,491
I'm gonna run over there
to Barney Hefner's.
132
00:06:00,493 --> 00:06:04,562
He's got one of them
big traps with a spring and steel jaws,
133
00:06:04,564 --> 00:06:07,131
It comes down
and cut the head right off.
134
00:06:07,133 --> 00:06:10,401
And if it misses the head,
it'll mash the rest of him anyhow.
135
00:06:10,403 --> 00:06:15,006
Archie, I don't want
little Marvin to die like that.
136
00:06:15,008 --> 00:06:17,942
How the hell do you
want him to die? In your arms?
137
00:06:20,012 --> 00:06:21,178
[DOORBELL RINGS]
138
00:06:21,180 --> 00:06:22,981
I'm coming!
139
00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:25,817
Oh, Marvin,
you better hide good.
140
00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:29,320
Archie's going out
and getting you a trap that'll smash you.
141
00:06:30,790 --> 00:06:31,956
Oh, hi.
142
00:06:31,958 --> 00:06:33,625
Hi, how do you do?
143
00:06:33,627 --> 00:06:35,560
Do you have a room
for rent? Yeah.
144
00:06:35,562 --> 00:06:36,594
Come on in.
145
00:06:37,663 --> 00:06:39,731
Don't I know you?
146
00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:44,469
Oh, you're the lady
that's the admittance girl at the hospital.
147
00:06:44,471 --> 00:06:45,837
Yes, I'm Teresa Betancourt.
148
00:06:45,839 --> 00:06:47,672
You're Mrs. Bonkers!
149
00:06:47,674 --> 00:06:50,474
Yeah. But you
can call me Edith.
150
00:06:50,476 --> 00:06:52,109
Come on, sit down.
Thank you.
151
00:06:52,111 --> 00:06:55,980
I was the one who checked
your husband in for his gall bladder operation.
152
00:06:55,982 --> 00:06:59,183
That's right.
Oh, everybody was so nice to us.
153
00:06:59,185 --> 00:07:03,821
And all the nurses
used to say two prayers a day for Mr. Bonkers.
154
00:07:03,823 --> 00:07:06,423
Wasn't that lovely of them?
155
00:07:06,425 --> 00:07:08,159
Two prayers.
156
00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:10,628
Yes, one to get well,
and one to go home.
157
00:07:12,697 --> 00:07:15,766
I only just need the room
for about a month
158
00:07:15,768 --> 00:07:19,637
while I take my X-Ray
technician examination.
159
00:07:19,639 --> 00:07:21,706
And this is so close
to the hospital,
160
00:07:21,708 --> 00:07:24,642
and besides, it'll keep me
away from a man who hates me.
161
00:07:24,644 --> 00:07:28,179
Oh, my, who could hate you?
162
00:07:28,181 --> 00:07:29,614
My boyfriend,
who loves me.
163
00:07:31,149 --> 00:07:34,018
How can he hate you
if he loves you?
164
00:07:34,020 --> 00:07:37,221
I don't know.
I do this to men all the time.
165
00:07:37,223 --> 00:07:39,790
They hate me and love me
like hell.
166
00:07:39,792 --> 00:07:43,528
Any time I talk to a man,
Hector starts screaming!
167
00:07:43,530 --> 00:07:47,031
Worse than your husband
screaming in the hospital.
168
00:07:47,033 --> 00:07:49,600
What is your husband
gonna scream
169
00:07:49,602 --> 00:07:50,801
when he finds out
170
00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:52,302
you have a Puerto Rican
in the house?
171
00:07:52,304 --> 00:07:55,306
Oh, don't worry
about Archie.
172
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:58,042
His bark is worse
than his bite.
173
00:07:58,044 --> 00:07:59,510
I don't worry
about his bark,
174
00:07:59,512 --> 00:08:01,879
but one bite
and I bite him back.
175
00:08:03,048 --> 00:08:04,716
How much is the room?
176
00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:06,384
A hundred dollars
a month.
177
00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:07,885
Is that all right?
178
00:08:07,887 --> 00:08:09,454
Oh, yes.
179
00:08:09,456 --> 00:08:15,426
Can I pay you
an extra $25 a month so I can have breakfast?
180
00:08:15,428 --> 00:08:17,695
I was gonna give you
breakfast anyway.
181
00:08:17,697 --> 00:08:20,130
You can't go to work
on an empty stomach.
182
00:08:20,132 --> 00:08:22,500
Oh, you so nice,
but no, no, no.
183
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:25,069
I want to pay.
Okay, here you go.
184
00:08:25,071 --> 00:08:26,704
Oh, thank you.
185
00:08:26,706 --> 00:08:29,340
I hope you're gonna
like it here.
186
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:33,610
Oh, Mrs. Bonkers,
this house is a palace.
187
00:08:34,747 --> 00:08:35,679
Really?
188
00:08:36,782 --> 00:08:38,883
To me it is.
189
00:08:38,885 --> 00:08:42,053
Oh, well there's
a new bed upstairs.
190
00:08:42,055 --> 00:08:45,122
Mike and Gloria broke
the other one.
191
00:08:47,492 --> 00:08:50,661
And the mattress is
the same kind
192
00:08:50,663 --> 00:08:54,098
that Joey Heatherton
jumps on on TV.
193
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:56,367
No!
Come on, I'll show it to you.
194
00:08:56,369 --> 00:08:57,635
ARCHIE: Hey, Edith!
195
00:08:57,637 --> 00:08:59,003
Edith, I'm home.
196
00:08:59,005 --> 00:09:01,472
Wait till you see
what I got here from Barney.
197
00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:03,307
This is what we should've
had in the first place.
198
00:09:03,309 --> 00:09:05,176
You see that?
That!
199
00:09:05,178 --> 00:09:07,811
That'd snap the head
off of a big dog.
200
00:09:09,314 --> 00:09:10,481
That's awful.
201
00:09:10,483 --> 00:09:13,351
What do you mean awful?
This is terrific, here.
202
00:09:13,353 --> 00:09:15,786
This is Teresa Betancourt.
203
00:09:15,788 --> 00:09:19,257
How do you do?
It's a "pressure" to see you again, Mr. Bonkers.
204
00:09:19,259 --> 00:09:20,691
Ohh...! Uh...
205
00:09:22,628 --> 00:09:24,695
Are you the Puerto Rican girl
from the hospital
206
00:09:24,697 --> 00:09:26,864
that told me "chut up"?
207
00:09:29,634 --> 00:09:30,834
What's she doing here?
208
00:09:30,836 --> 00:09:33,504
She's gonna be
our new boarder.
209
00:09:33,506 --> 00:09:36,941
Oh, no, no, she ain't
gonna be that, Edith.
210
00:09:36,943 --> 00:09:42,713
No, no, she can't be,
'cause I already promised the room to somebody else.
211
00:09:42,715 --> 00:09:43,781
Archie.
212
00:09:43,783 --> 00:09:45,717
You remember me
tellin' ya about
213
00:09:45,719 --> 00:09:48,052
the guy down at work
that wanted the room?
214
00:09:48,054 --> 00:09:49,820
No, you never
told me.
215
00:09:49,822 --> 00:09:51,689
Well, I told you,
even if you forgot--
216
00:09:51,691 --> 00:09:53,291
It's true, Edith.
217
00:09:53,293 --> 00:09:56,093
It's true there, sis,
I swear to God.
218
00:09:56,095 --> 00:09:58,395
[MOUSE TRAP SNAPS SHUT]
Ow, jeez!
219
00:10:02,234 --> 00:10:03,768
[SCREAMS]
220
00:10:08,941 --> 00:10:12,844
[LATIN MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY
FROM UPSTAIRS]
221
00:10:18,550 --> 00:10:20,584
Oh, sheesh...
222
00:10:22,287 --> 00:10:24,788
Always with
the Puerto Rican music.
223
00:10:24,790 --> 00:10:26,690
I had to tell her
yesterday to turn it off,
224
00:10:26,692 --> 00:10:28,826
put on something American--
she wouldn't do it.
225
00:10:28,828 --> 00:10:31,929
Oh, yes, she did.
She put on rock and roll.
226
00:10:31,931 --> 00:10:34,332
Now, what the hell is
American about that--
227
00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:37,868
"Bluebird of happiness
flies up your nose."
228
00:10:39,938 --> 00:10:43,107
Daddy, I like
rock and roll music,
229
00:10:43,109 --> 00:10:44,842
and I like Teresa's music too.
230
00:10:44,844 --> 00:10:46,677
What's the matter
with you tonight?
231
00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:48,980
Now, why don't you
eat your dinner? It's delicious!
232
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:51,482
Listen,
when I eat a dinner it's delicious.
233
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:53,250
But when I don't eat a dinner,
234
00:10:53,252 --> 00:10:56,587
that's a signal
to the whole world that it ain't delicious.
235
00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:58,889
And will you please
don't take no more
236
00:10:58,891 --> 00:11:01,858
Puerto Rican cooking lessons
from Teresa there?
237
00:11:01,860 --> 00:11:04,728
I think
it's very good.
238
00:11:04,730 --> 00:11:07,164
It's called pescado.
239
00:11:07,166 --> 00:11:11,202
Ah, pescad.
I call it fish, and I hate it.
240
00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:14,105
You haven't even
tried it yet.
241
00:11:14,107 --> 00:11:16,307
How am I gonna try something
242
00:11:16,309 --> 00:11:19,543
that's lookin' up at me
with two burled eyes there?
243
00:11:19,545 --> 00:11:22,679
The fish isn't
looking at you.
244
00:11:22,681 --> 00:11:27,284
No more, now that
I covered his head there with the au gratin potatoes.
245
00:11:31,590 --> 00:11:33,657
[GLORIA SINGS ALONG]
246
00:11:33,659 --> 00:11:37,128
[TRILLING TONGUE]
247
00:11:37,130 --> 00:11:39,963
Cut that out, you!
Remember where you was raised!
248
00:11:39,965 --> 00:11:41,031
[SIGHS]
249
00:11:41,033 --> 00:11:43,700
I'm sorry.
I forget the rules.
250
00:11:43,702 --> 00:11:45,002
Yeah. No singing
in the kitchen,
251
00:11:45,004 --> 00:11:46,170
no whistling in the bathroom,
252
00:11:46,172 --> 00:11:48,206
no playing the guitar
in the bedroom--
253
00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:50,208
no happiness
anywhere in this house.
254
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,710
I ain't got nothi''
against happiness in the house.
255
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,812
All I ask is
you don't show it.
256
00:11:56,782 --> 00:11:58,048
Mr. Bonkers, don't worry.
257
00:11:58,050 --> 00:12:00,784
From now on,
you won't hear me "brith."
258
00:12:00,786 --> 00:12:03,220
Oh, listen to this.
"Brith. Brith."
259
00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:07,291
Jeez. When did you ever
hear an English word, "brith"?
260
00:12:07,293 --> 00:12:10,093
Yeah, B'nai B'rith.
Ahh!
261
00:12:14,032 --> 00:12:17,200
Muchas gracias
for the water softener, Mrs. Bunker.
262
00:12:17,202 --> 00:12:18,402
Oh, you're welcome.
263
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:20,738
I mean, de nada.
264
00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:22,973
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
You're so cute!
265
00:12:22,975 --> 00:12:24,908
How'd the bra
come out?
266
00:12:24,910 --> 00:12:27,478
Fine. Mira, perfecto.
267
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:30,147
Don't be wavi''
them cupcakes over the table!
268
00:12:32,718 --> 00:12:34,384
And the pantyhose...
Aww!
269
00:12:34,386 --> 00:12:36,220
...is nice
and soft too!
270
00:12:36,222 --> 00:12:37,287
The pantyhose!
271
00:12:37,289 --> 00:12:39,757
I hate the sight
of them things!
272
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:42,125
You got a boyfriend
who's out to get you, huh?
273
00:12:42,127 --> 00:12:43,327
You just show him
them things,
274
00:12:43,329 --> 00:12:45,229
he'll never come
near you again!
275
00:12:45,231 --> 00:12:48,432
Are you kidding?
Men go crazy when they see these things.
276
00:12:48,434 --> 00:12:50,568
Stop that! Stop that!
277
00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:52,369
♪ M-I-C ♪
278
00:12:52,371 --> 00:12:53,904
♪ K-E-Y ♪
279
00:12:53,906 --> 00:12:58,476
TOGETHER:
♪ M-O-U-S-E ♪
280
00:12:58,478 --> 00:12:59,743
Hey!
281
00:13:03,214 --> 00:13:05,850
Will you remember
you are at the table?
282
00:13:05,852 --> 00:13:07,752
Take that off your head.
283
00:13:08,887 --> 00:13:10,888
All right, now,
let's have no more talk
284
00:13:10,890 --> 00:13:12,223
or anything
about underwear.
285
00:13:12,225 --> 00:13:13,891
Can you take it
all away there, Teresa?
286
00:13:13,893 --> 00:13:15,293
Have some coffee
like a nice girl.
287
00:13:15,295 --> 00:13:16,928
In a minute, Papi.
288
00:13:16,930 --> 00:13:19,396
See that? She's calling me
Papi the whole week long.
289
00:13:19,398 --> 00:13:20,731
Why don't you
help the girl, correct her English?
290
00:13:20,733 --> 00:13:22,900
That ain't a good
English word there, Teresa.
291
00:13:22,902 --> 00:13:24,501
See, I ain't your papi.
292
00:13:24,503 --> 00:13:25,903
I'm her papi there.
293
00:13:25,905 --> 00:13:28,105
That's what we call
all the cute old men, Papi.
294
00:13:28,107 --> 00:13:30,507
See, now, that's
disrespect there.
295
00:13:30,509 --> 00:13:34,011
Archie, she's just
trying to be nice to ya.
296
00:13:34,013 --> 00:13:37,681
Well, "cute" is nice,
but "old" is disrespect,
297
00:13:37,683 --> 00:13:40,017
and I expect as much
respect from this girl
298
00:13:40,019 --> 00:13:41,485
as I do from
my own daughter there.
299
00:13:46,858 --> 00:13:48,859
What the hell's
the use in talkin', huh?
300
00:13:48,861 --> 00:13:52,796
Oh, Archie, just try
to be nice to Teresa.
301
00:13:52,798 --> 00:13:55,599
I am nice
to everybody, Edith.
302
00:13:55,601 --> 00:13:56,734
Yeah, but you're a lot nicer
303
00:13:56,736 --> 00:13:58,903
to people who aren't
Puerto Rican.
304
00:13:58,905 --> 00:13:59,970
Oh, now, listen,
305
00:13:59,972 --> 00:14:01,939
get off of that there,
little girl,
306
00:14:01,941 --> 00:14:04,642
'cause I'm one guy
who ain't prejudiced
307
00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:08,111
against anybody who may be
less superior than me.
308
00:14:11,550 --> 00:14:12,616
To tell you the truth,
309
00:14:12,618 --> 00:14:14,552
I'm a little worried
about this girl.
310
00:14:14,554 --> 00:14:16,219
She's got
a jealous boyfriend
311
00:14:16,221 --> 00:14:17,888
who's coming after her
there.
312
00:14:17,890 --> 00:14:20,123
And you know
how them Puerto Rican people are
313
00:14:20,125 --> 00:14:21,592
when they get mad?
314
00:14:21,594 --> 00:14:23,627
[WHISTLING]
315
00:14:23,629 --> 00:14:26,063
[WHISTLING]
316
00:14:26,065 --> 00:14:30,067
No, how are them
Puerto Rican people when they get mad?
317
00:14:30,069 --> 00:14:31,669
Well, if they happen
318
00:14:31,671 --> 00:14:33,503
to be holding
one of these at the time,
319
00:14:33,505 --> 00:14:37,407
you could get yourself
an amateur nose job.
320
00:14:37,409 --> 00:14:38,776
And you say
you're not prejudiced,
321
00:14:38,778 --> 00:14:40,511
using that
stupid old stereotype
322
00:14:40,513 --> 00:14:43,013
about all Puerto Ricans
carrying knives?
323
00:14:43,015 --> 00:14:44,515
If you'd-a let me finished,
324
00:14:44,517 --> 00:14:47,485
I woulda said that
it ain't them people's fault.
325
00:14:47,487 --> 00:14:49,186
Whose fault is it?
326
00:14:49,188 --> 00:14:51,522
It is the fault,
little girl, of society.
327
00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:52,923
Society, see?
328
00:14:52,925 --> 00:14:54,291
You'd know that
if you was watchi''
329
00:14:54,293 --> 00:14:57,661
some of the higher-class
TV murder dramas there.
330
00:15:00,365 --> 00:15:01,932
Them people are poor,
see?
331
00:15:01,934 --> 00:15:03,667
That's why
your Puerto Ricans have knives.
332
00:15:03,669 --> 00:15:07,070
They ain't like
your regular Americans who can afford a gun.
333
00:15:14,212 --> 00:15:18,549
Don't be doin' that to me
with them teeth I paid for.
334
00:15:18,551 --> 00:15:19,616
I'm gettin'
outta here.
335
00:15:19,618 --> 00:15:21,418
Ma, thanks a lot
for the pescado.
336
00:15:21,420 --> 00:15:23,320
Oh, de nada.
337
00:15:23,322 --> 00:15:24,921
And, Daddy, if you're
not gonna eat that,
338
00:15:24,923 --> 00:15:26,223
can I take it home
to Michael?
339
00:15:26,225 --> 00:15:27,457
Just the eyes.
340
00:15:27,459 --> 00:15:29,060
The rest of it we're gonna
feed to Marvin,
341
00:15:29,062 --> 00:15:30,861
see if a bone
gets stuck in his throat.
342
00:15:30,863 --> 00:15:32,162
Thanks, Papi.
343
00:15:32,164 --> 00:15:33,330
Aw, cut that out!
344
00:15:33,332 --> 00:15:34,631
[SINGING LATIN MUSIC]
345
00:15:34,633 --> 00:15:35,866
Hey, Daddy,
346
00:15:35,868 --> 00:15:38,335
Teresa's only gonna
be here three more weeks,
347
00:15:38,337 --> 00:15:40,570
so could you please
be nice to her?
348
00:15:40,572 --> 00:15:43,507
[SINGING LATIN MUSIC]
Get outta here!
349
00:15:43,509 --> 00:15:45,175
I'm not gonna be nice
to nobody!
350
00:15:45,177 --> 00:15:47,944
I'm the head of this house.
I bring home the bacon here.
351
00:15:49,180 --> 00:15:50,247
Teresa don't like it,
352
00:15:50,249 --> 00:15:52,015
she can go home
and cut bananas.
353
00:15:55,186 --> 00:15:56,253
Mr. Bonkers,
354
00:15:56,255 --> 00:15:58,021
I don't want to complain,
355
00:15:58,023 --> 00:16:00,024
but there is a rat
in my room.
356
00:16:00,026 --> 00:16:02,359
That ain't a rat,
Teresa, that's--
357
00:16:02,361 --> 00:16:04,595
that's only
a little mouse there.
358
00:16:04,597 --> 00:16:06,330
He won't be around long.
359
00:16:06,332 --> 00:16:08,866
Just as soon as he
sticks his moosh in that trap there,
360
00:16:08,868 --> 00:16:10,133
he's finished, see.
361
00:16:10,135 --> 00:16:11,702
But, look,
if you're scared,
362
00:16:11,704 --> 00:16:13,704
I'll go up there
before you go to bed,
363
00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:14,872
I'll get him
outta your room.
364
00:16:14,874 --> 00:16:16,640
In the meantime,
where do I study?
365
00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:18,008
What, do ya
gotta study somethin'?
366
00:16:18,010 --> 00:16:19,910
Oh, I have to pass
a test tomorrow.
367
00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:21,712
Well, you can
study down here.
368
00:16:21,714 --> 00:16:23,113
The Meathead
always done that.
369
00:16:23,115 --> 00:16:25,783
The Meathead went
through college in this room.
370
00:16:25,785 --> 00:16:26,917
Thank you.
371
00:16:26,919 --> 00:16:29,153
Sure! Sit down
anywhere you like, there.
372
00:16:29,155 --> 00:16:30,821
I'll just read
my paper here.
373
00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:32,422
You won't hear
a sound outta me.
374
00:16:34,159 --> 00:16:37,795
[EXAGGERATED
STOMACH RUMBLING]
375
00:16:45,003 --> 00:16:46,870
[EXAGGERATED
STOMACH RUMBLING]
376
00:16:49,507 --> 00:16:52,109
[EXAGGERATED
STOMACH RUMBLING]
377
00:16:57,015 --> 00:16:58,248
[BELCHES]
378
00:17:04,355 --> 00:17:07,024
That ain't my fault,
Teresa.
379
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:09,359
I ain't got nothi''
to do with that.
380
00:17:09,361 --> 00:17:11,529
See, that's what
you call hungry gas.
381
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:13,397
The reason I got
the hungry gas,
382
00:17:13,399 --> 00:17:15,833
I didn't have no dinner,
and you know the reason I didn't have no dinner.
383
00:17:15,835 --> 00:17:17,734
You didn't like
your pescado?
384
00:17:17,736 --> 00:17:19,603
Well, I like seafood,
385
00:17:19,605 --> 00:17:21,371
but I can't stand
eatin' nothin'
386
00:17:21,373 --> 00:17:23,807
that's watchin' me
while I'm eatin' it.
387
00:17:23,809 --> 00:17:25,042
Oh, I'm sorry.
388
00:17:25,044 --> 00:17:26,977
I'm gonna make you
something wonderful tomorrow.
389
00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:29,046
I'm gonna make you
some octopus.
390
00:17:30,515 --> 00:17:32,516
Well, uh, I don't want
to eat nothin'
391
00:17:32,518 --> 00:17:35,318
that looks like it's
gonna start huggin' me, neither.
392
00:17:36,454 --> 00:17:38,856
Archie, your movie's on!
393
00:17:38,858 --> 00:17:41,291
The Frog that Ate Tokyo.
394
00:17:41,293 --> 00:17:42,359
Whoa-ho-ho!
395
00:17:42,361 --> 00:17:43,894
Let me get this on here.
396
00:17:43,896 --> 00:17:46,663
Oh, this is
some moving picture, here.
397
00:17:46,665 --> 00:17:48,832
Wait'll you see
this here, Teresa.
398
00:17:48,834 --> 00:17:51,034
Here it is,
here it is. See...
399
00:17:51,036 --> 00:17:52,102
there's the frog.
400
00:17:52,104 --> 00:17:53,971
He's just comi''
into Tokyo, now.
401
00:17:53,973 --> 00:17:56,674
See that? Now he's eatin'
all the buildings, there.
402
00:17:56,676 --> 00:17:58,542
Go, frog, go!
403
00:17:58,544 --> 00:18:01,078
Pay 'em back
for Pearl Harbor! Go! Go!
404
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,145
See that there?
405
00:18:02,147 --> 00:18:03,581
Hey, look,
that's a smart trick.
406
00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:05,583
He takes the trolley car,
turns it upside-down,
407
00:18:05,585 --> 00:18:07,417
he shakes
all the Japs out, see?
408
00:18:07,419 --> 00:18:09,252
And he eats 'em,
like bugs.
409
00:18:09,254 --> 00:18:11,088
Sayonara, Japs!
410
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:13,189
Go, frog, go! Go!
411
00:18:14,759 --> 00:18:18,962
Mr. Bonkers, could you
turn down the sound, please?
412
00:18:18,964 --> 00:18:20,263
You can't do that.
413
00:18:20,265 --> 00:18:21,598
You can't enjoy it
unless you hear
414
00:18:21,600 --> 00:18:23,667
the victims screamin',
there.
415
00:18:23,669 --> 00:18:25,035
I don't mean the sounds
from the TV.
416
00:18:25,037 --> 00:18:26,803
I mean the sounds from you.
417
00:18:26,805 --> 00:18:28,872
Oh, don't pay
no attention to me.
418
00:18:28,874 --> 00:18:30,407
I always holler at
the monster pictures there,
419
00:18:30,409 --> 00:18:32,309
particularly
this frog picture.
420
00:18:32,311 --> 00:18:33,944
I seen it four
or five times.
421
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:38,482
But the frog can't hear what
you say -- it's a fake frog.
422
00:18:38,484 --> 00:18:42,453
It's a fake lamp post,
it's a fake building, it's a fake movie.
423
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:45,322
Well, sure it's fake.
Everybody knows that.
424
00:18:45,324 --> 00:18:46,891
All movies are fake.
425
00:18:46,893 --> 00:18:48,458
But this is very exciting.
426
00:18:48,460 --> 00:18:50,727
This is a wonderful picture.
I call that a great picture.
427
00:18:50,729 --> 00:18:52,396
It stinks.
428
00:18:54,099 --> 00:18:56,266
It stinks. It stinks!
429
00:18:57,735 --> 00:19:00,737
Teresa, you just said
a very stupid thing there...
430
00:19:00,739 --> 00:19:02,940
three times.
431
00:19:02,942 --> 00:19:04,808
And don't use
that word stinks.
432
00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:06,476
That ain't
a nice English word.
433
00:19:06,478 --> 00:19:09,213
You never hear me use
words like that, see.
434
00:19:09,215 --> 00:19:11,481
And stinks?
No, this picture don't--
435
00:19:11,483 --> 00:19:14,484
I ain't sayin' it's a great
acting picture there,
436
00:19:14,486 --> 00:19:16,586
that ain't
a Duke Wayne picture.
437
00:19:18,756 --> 00:19:22,726
But what you gotta think of is
the terrific technical geniuses
438
00:19:22,728 --> 00:19:25,695
that turn the whole
of downtown Tokyo
439
00:19:25,697 --> 00:19:28,165
into a meal for a frog.
440
00:19:29,734 --> 00:19:32,102
It still stinks.
441
00:19:32,104 --> 00:19:35,105
Now, don't say that word
no more!
442
00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:37,741
That ain't a nice word!
It don't stink.
443
00:19:37,743 --> 00:19:39,576
That's a great picture,
there.
444
00:19:39,578 --> 00:19:41,645
That's one of the greatest
pictures ever made.
445
00:19:41,647 --> 00:19:45,449
If I was the Japs,
I'd give that picture the Jap Academy "Reward"!
446
00:19:46,884 --> 00:19:49,018
If you think
that that picture
447
00:19:49,020 --> 00:19:51,621
deserves a Japanese
Academy "Reward,"
448
00:19:51,623 --> 00:19:54,123
then you got no taste!
449
00:19:56,694 --> 00:19:58,295
I got no what?
450
00:19:58,297 --> 00:20:01,265
What's the matter?
Don't you "espeak" English?
451
00:20:01,267 --> 00:20:03,400
No taste!
452
00:20:03,402 --> 00:20:04,468
Edith!
453
00:20:04,470 --> 00:20:05,536
Edith, come in here!
454
00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:07,037
This is important,
Edith!
455
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:08,639
Get in here right away!
What's the matter?
456
00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:10,974
Edith, you know
what this girl just said to me?
457
00:20:10,976 --> 00:20:12,375
You wouldn't believe this.
458
00:20:12,377 --> 00:20:15,245
Now, what is
about the worst thing anybody could say to me?
459
00:20:15,247 --> 00:20:16,847
You're fat?
460
00:20:20,051 --> 00:20:22,052
No, that ain't it!
461
00:20:22,054 --> 00:20:23,821
She said I ain't
got no taste!
462
00:20:23,823 --> 00:20:25,322
No taste!
How d'ya like that?
463
00:20:25,324 --> 00:20:27,190
To say that to a man
with a color TV
464
00:20:27,192 --> 00:20:29,660
and a 5-year subscription
to the Reader's Digest.
465
00:20:29,662 --> 00:20:31,061
No taste!
466
00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:32,863
Well, you've just spoiled
my whole evening, here.
467
00:20:32,865 --> 00:20:34,864
Well, you "espoiled"
my "estudy" time.
468
00:20:34,866 --> 00:20:38,034
Well, you "espoiled"
my frog picture, there.
469
00:20:38,036 --> 00:20:41,505
You making fun
of my English?
470
00:20:41,507 --> 00:20:43,740
Everybody makes fun
of your English.
471
00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:44,808
That does it!
472
00:20:44,810 --> 00:20:47,611
[SHOUTING ANGRILY
IN SPANISH]
473
00:20:47,613 --> 00:20:49,012
Hey, Teresa,
474
00:20:49,014 --> 00:20:50,881
I think I'd better
make believe
475
00:20:50,883 --> 00:20:53,117
I didn't understand
none of that.
476
00:20:53,119 --> 00:20:54,852
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, I'll get it.
477
00:20:54,854 --> 00:20:56,787
No, no, get away
from there, now.
478
00:20:56,789 --> 00:20:59,356
I told you not to do that
at night anymore,
479
00:20:59,358 --> 00:21:01,458
openin' the door
the way you do.
480
00:21:01,460 --> 00:21:04,862
Ain't you afraid
a Boston Strangler could jump in on you?
481
00:21:04,864 --> 00:21:07,264
No. This is New York.
482
00:21:08,899 --> 00:21:10,367
Stand back over there.
483
00:21:10,369 --> 00:21:12,168
Let me open the door,
huh?
484
00:21:13,304 --> 00:21:14,404
Oh, jeez!
485
00:21:16,207 --> 00:21:17,807
You know who that is
out there?
486
00:21:17,809 --> 00:21:20,010
The Boston Strangler?
487
00:21:20,012 --> 00:21:23,047
No, no. It's her
Puerto Rican boyfriend.
488
00:21:23,049 --> 00:21:25,082
She don't wanna see him.
Don't open it.
489
00:21:25,084 --> 00:21:28,685
I gotta open it.
With his pointy shoes, he'll kick holes in it.
490
00:21:30,388 --> 00:21:31,722
Well, what do you want?
491
00:21:31,724 --> 00:21:33,490
Teresa...
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
492
00:21:33,492 --> 00:21:35,058
Well, she--
She ain't here.
493
00:21:35,060 --> 00:21:38,228
No, she's gone-o.
Ain't home-o, you know?
494
00:21:38,230 --> 00:21:39,830
704 Hauser Street?
495
00:21:39,832 --> 00:21:41,498
Yeah, but Teresa
ain't here.
496
00:21:41,500 --> 00:21:43,133
She went over
to Jersey, there.
497
00:21:43,135 --> 00:21:46,369
There's bullfights
in Hoboken.
498
00:21:46,371 --> 00:21:47,571
TERESA:
Who's that in there?
499
00:21:47,573 --> 00:21:48,572
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
500
00:21:48,574 --> 00:21:49,639
No, no, wait.
501
00:21:49,641 --> 00:21:50,974
You can't come in! Hey!
502
00:21:50,976 --> 00:21:53,043
[EXCITED SHOUTING]
503
00:21:53,045 --> 00:21:55,845
Well, the man
walked in here!
504
00:21:55,847 --> 00:21:57,080
He's gonna come
into the house,
505
00:21:57,082 --> 00:21:58,382
what am I gonna do?
506
00:21:58,384 --> 00:21:59,449
What am I
supposed to do?
507
00:21:59,451 --> 00:22:00,884
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
508
00:22:00,886 --> 00:22:04,121
Archie, are you all right?
509
00:22:04,123 --> 00:22:05,622
I'm fine, I'm fine.
510
00:22:05,624 --> 00:22:07,524
Better be glad
I didn't eat dinner--
511
00:22:07,526 --> 00:22:09,459
I'd pescado
all over my chair, here.
512
00:22:11,862 --> 00:22:14,030
Oh, you shouldn't have
hit Archie.
513
00:22:14,032 --> 00:22:16,233
Well, he shouldn't have
hit my brother.
514
00:22:16,235 --> 00:22:17,868
Your brother?
515
00:22:17,870 --> 00:22:19,369
This guy's
your brother, here?
516
00:22:19,371 --> 00:22:20,838
Yeah.
517
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,605
Well, how the hell
was I supposed to know that?
518
00:22:22,607 --> 00:22:23,807
I mean, lookin'
at him standin' there...
519
00:22:23,809 --> 00:22:25,242
Oh, no, no, no.
520
00:22:25,244 --> 00:22:27,978
You're not gonna tell me
we all look alike.
521
00:22:27,980 --> 00:22:29,379
I didn't say that,
522
00:22:29,381 --> 00:22:30,948
but you certainly
all sound alike.
523
00:22:33,384 --> 00:22:35,385
We thought
he was your boyfriend.
524
00:22:35,387 --> 00:22:38,221
Archie was
trying to protect you.
525
00:22:38,223 --> 00:22:40,823
Ah...
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
526
00:22:40,825 --> 00:22:42,392
You take care of Luis,
527
00:22:42,394 --> 00:22:44,227
and I take care
of Mr. Bonkers.
528
00:22:44,229 --> 00:22:45,628
Yeah, sure.
I'm sorry.
529
00:22:45,630 --> 00:22:47,531
Here, sit down.
Ay, gracias.
530
00:22:47,533 --> 00:22:49,166
I'm Mrs. Bonkers...
531
00:22:49,168 --> 00:22:52,001
uh, Bunkers...
Bunker!
532
00:22:52,003 --> 00:22:54,271
You all right,
Mr. Bonkers?
533
00:22:54,273 --> 00:22:56,373
One. Only one.
534
00:22:56,375 --> 00:22:59,509
Can't you erase
the "S" off of that thing?
535
00:22:59,511 --> 00:23:01,178
"Boonker."
536
00:23:01,180 --> 00:23:02,745
"Boonker." Perfect.
537
00:23:02,747 --> 00:23:04,814
[GROANS SOFTLY]
538
00:23:11,356 --> 00:23:13,023
I-I'm sorry
I punched you.
539
00:23:13,025 --> 00:23:16,526
I-I can't believe
that you tried to save my life.
540
00:23:16,528 --> 00:23:18,328
Nah...think nothin'
of it.
541
00:23:18,330 --> 00:23:19,696
Oh, no, no, no, no.
542
00:23:19,698 --> 00:23:21,298
That is the nicest thing
543
00:23:21,300 --> 00:23:23,367
that anyone
has ever done for me.
544
00:23:23,369 --> 00:23:24,701
Well, don't mention it.
545
00:23:24,703 --> 00:23:26,103
I mean, it's nothin',
it's nothin'.
546
00:23:26,105 --> 00:23:28,705
Muchas gracias, Papi.
547
00:23:31,376 --> 00:23:34,478
Oh, de nada, there,
de nada, there.
548
00:23:38,182 --> 00:23:39,682
[MOUSE TRAP SNAPS SHUT]
549
00:23:39,684 --> 00:23:43,320
Aw, jeez, we got you,
Marvin, this time!
550
00:23:43,322 --> 00:23:45,655
Maybe I can't get rid of her,
551
00:23:45,657 --> 00:23:47,591
but we sure got rid of you.
552
00:23:51,995 --> 00:23:52,929
Nothin'.
553
00:23:55,165 --> 00:23:56,833
Well...
554
00:23:56,835 --> 00:23:59,603
maybe I'm gonna
have to get used to the both of youse.
555
00:24:23,094 --> 00:24:26,663
♪
556
00:24:26,665 --> 00:24:28,699
All in the Family
was recorded on tape
557
00:24:28,701 --> 00:24:30,634
before a live audience.
558
00:24:30,684 --> 00:24:35,234
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
41242
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