All language subtitles for All In the Family s07e07 Archie.eng

* Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played *

* Songs that made
the hit parade *

* Guys like us
we had it made *

* Those were the days *

* And you knew
where you were then *

* Girls were girls
and men were men *

* Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again *

* Didn't need
no welfare state *

* Everybody pulled
his weight *

* Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great *

* Those were the days *

Oh, jeez.

Hey, out there in the--

Hey, out there
in the 6th floor there.

I told you I wouldn't eat no
creamed chipped beef on toast.

I told you I wouldn't eat no
creamed meats at all.

It gives me "dispoopsia."

You hear me out there, huh?
Do you hear me, huh?

Hey, warden,
do you hear me out there?

If I don't get attention soon,

I'm gonna run out there
in the hall

in this trick
hospital nightgown there,

and there's gonna be one hell
of an exposure out there.

I'm gonna flash up one way
and moon down the other.

Mr. Bunker, this is a hospital.

Well, I knew
it wasn't the Hong Kong Hilton.

When the hell do I get
out of here, Anna Mae Wang?

Speaking for the entire
6th floor, I hope today.

But what time today, huh?
What time, huh?

Morning, Beauty.

Hey...

How are you feeling
today, soul brother?

Hey...

Pretty good there,
Dr. Thatcher.

You know, I've been meaning
to ask you that, you know,

since that soul blood
from you was kind of

transconfused
into my veins, there,

I mean, could that make
any kind of a difference?

Not visibly, but maybe
psychologically.

Tell me this,
how do you feel? I feel fine.

Your hands strong enough
for lifting? Oh, sure.

Your feet strong enough
for stomping? Sure.

Well, you're ready
for your first tap-dancing lesson.

Hey, I think you're
kidding me there, doc.

But I want to tell you
the truth.

I wouldn't mind if it made me
a little more musical.

Think positive, man.
Think black.

In no time at all,
they'll be calling you Mr. Bojangles.

Hi, Dr. Thatcher.

Good morning, Mr. Stivic.

Hey, Arch,
how you feeling?

Ah, stinko,
but forget that.

Do you know what I
just found out?

You know, Dr. Thatcher
giving me the blood and all of that...

Do you know what them
colored corpsucles might do?

Mug the white corpsucles?

Don't be a wise-guy, huh?

Arch, when are you gonna
get off of this garbage about inferior blood?

I didn't say nothing
about inferior blood.

Them is your words, there.

Listen, Dr. Thatcher
was just in here a minute ago.

She was hinting around
there, you see, that the colored chromastones

inside of them
soul corpsucles, there,

they could maybe make
certain changes.

You know, I think
she's right, Arch.

Your hair is starting
to kink up a little bit.

Get out of here!

Try to talk a little
scientific with you,

you give me answers
like some jerk off of the street.

You gonna eat that JELL-O?

Hospital JELL-O?

I lost my gall bladder,
not my marbles.

Hey, good news!

Don't holler,
don't holler!

Archie...

I was just talking
to Dr. Shapiro.

He's gonna let you
come home today.

Ain't that wonderful?

But what time,
what time?

Soon! Soon!

You're spitting
on me, Edith.

Oh, Archie,
I missed you.

I don't like living alone,
and sleeping alone.

Shh, in front of the boy.

I got everything
you need.

A clean shirt, your pants,
your underwear,

I'll put them
in here.

[GROANS]

What?

You know, I thought
I seen everything...

the day that I seen you
dunk a hamburger in cocoa.

But this here, I ought
to sell tickets for this.

Get this out of here!
Take it out in the hall!

And finish it up out there.

When you're finished,
go down to the cashier and get my bill!

Okay, Arch.

Hey, all you sickies
there on the 6th floor...

You wanna see
something exciting?

Get away from
your television sets,

look out the door,
the blob is coming!

Archie...

calm down.

Just think!

Tonight you're gonna be
back with me

in our own warm bed,

and everything will be
just like it was before.

Hey, Edith, maybe back
in our own, warm bed,

things might be
a little better than they was before.

What with this new
colored blood in me, you know what I mean?

No...

Well...

maybe I shouldn't
mention it,

but I just didn't
want you to get scared or nothing.

Oh...

Oh, Archie,
that's dumb.

Dumb?

You're saying dumb to me?

I'm laying here
in a hospital bed,

after 27 years of marriage,
you would call me dumb?

Oh, I'm sorry, Archie,

I shouldn't have
waited so long.

Don't get mad.

Ahh...

I got some good news.

I heard a rumor
that they're taking back men at the plant.

But they ain't taking
me back at the plant!

What am I doing?
I'm laying here with an IOU for a gall bladder!

I got the bill, Arch.

They said you should
pay it on the way out.

Ah, the bill.
Well, thank God for the insurance companies.

See, the company
handles most of this.

I only got to pay 20%
of what they put down here,

which is $640.

You see, 20% of that
ain't bad, right?

Not these days.
Let me see that.

Arch...

The $640 is your 20%.

Huh?

The whole bill
is $3,200.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute...

$3,200?

Look at that, Edith,
how the hell are we gonna handle that?

What did they
charge me for?

Intervenoos anesthooties,
here...

pharmacuticles,

look what they're charging me
for an enema, here...

$19 for that?

Well, geez, they only
used tap water.

For that kind of money,
they ought to pump me full of champagne!

Well, I ain't paying
this thing!

Hey there!
Hey on the 6th floor and you cashiers,

I ain't gonna pay this!
This ain't a hospital bill, this is a stick-up in here!

Stop all that screaming.

You're disturbing everybody.

Well, this here
is disturbing me.

He's upset
about the bill, it's $3,200.

We only paid $131.50
when I had Gloria.

Yeah, and we got to keep
what they took out of you.

Sorry, Mr. Bunker,
but these are all legitimate charges.

Dr. Shapiro has signed
your release.

You'd better
get dressed.

I'm getting
out of here fast.

Let me out
of this clip joint!

Oh, Dr. Thatcher...

You've been so kind,
and I want to tell you again

how thankful I am
for giving Archie your blood.

Not to mention it,
my dear.

I wanna thank you,
too, doctor!

Edith won't believe
how thankful she's gonna be!

You're welcome, Mr. Bunker.

Any time you need
more blood, I'll be glad to give you a refill.

Well, that's mighty white
of you there, doc.

Oh!

I didn't mean
nothing by that,

I was just talking
about the blood,

oh, pardon
my front, here.

What I mean
to say, doc,

is the blood
ain't the problem.

I ain't got my job
to look forward to,

and I gotta get
that job back.

You see, doctor,
they're taking men back at the plant,

but they ain't
called Archie.

That's what I call
discrimination.

Oh, buck up, Mr. Bunker.

It took us 200 years
to get equal rights.

You've only been black
four days.

Yeah, don't worry, Arch.

You shall overcome.

You ain't coming down
until you take your medicine.

It's in the glass
by the bed.

It ain't there
no more.

What happened to it?

[TOILET FLUSHING]

He ain't gonna get
away with that.

I know what to do.

Hey, come on, Arch.
Cheer up!

You're not the only guy
to have an operation

or be stuck in the house
for a week or to be out of a job.

ARCHIE: And I hope you ain't
got your butt in my chair.

No, I'm sitting
on the couch, Arch.

'Cause I'm coming down,
I don't care what anybody says.

Don't care what Edith says,
I'm coming down, Edith!

And bring me a beer!
A beer, a beer, a beer!

Just a minute!

Not in a minute,
right now!

Or I rip out
my stitches.

Hey...

Canal boots off
of the coffee table.

Here you are,
a nice, cold beer.

Give it to me.

Why did you pour it
from the can into the glass?

It loses so much
through the air.

I thought it would be nice
for a change.

Just remember,
I hate change.

Aw, jeez, now I know
why you done that, Lucretia Borden,

you poisoned it
with the medicine, huh?

Come on, Archie,
drink it.

It's for your own good.

Not for my own good!
Take it into the kitchen.

Spread it around
on the floor,

it'll blind
all the roaches.

Archie, come on...

Get it away from me.

I ain't taking
that medicine!

All right, then I'll
get it in something.

That something's gonna be
thrown against the wall,

so it better not be
Cream of Wheat.

Arch, just because you have
problems, you don't have to take it out on the family.

We didn't cause
your unemployment.

The whole country's
got that problem.

You wanna get mad,
you get mad at the guys who are responsible.

The guys in the White House.

Ah, come on, will you?

The White House ain't got
nothing to do

with what's going on
in this country.

President Ford is supposed
to be responsible for the state of the economy,

the high cost of living,
and unemployment.

Will you lay off Ford?

He's doing a hell of a good job
for a guy that got kicked in the head playing ball.

And I'll tell you
something else, wise guy.

Between Jerry Ford
and Jerry Carter, I know which way I'm going.

It's too bad you couldn't vote
for your real favorite-- Jerry Reagan.

Yes, buddy, yes, yes!

I'll tell you something else
about this guy Carter.

He takes that big smile
out of his face every night and puts it in a glass.

Arch,
he doesn't have false teeth.

Oh, Joe Foley told me he read
that in the National Enquirer--

the only paper where
you read the truth nowadays.

I tell you another thing
that was in there.

If Carter becomes president,
he's gonna sell more wheat than ever to the Ruskies.

Why? So the Ruskies
will make more bread than ever.

Why? So that Carter
can sell them the peanut butter to smear on it.

I don't want to argue
with you, Arch.

Maybe by the time
Joey's grown up,

we'll have an administration
that'll listen.

I can't wait for that!

Mean time, who's taking care
of the regular Americans like me, huh?

The Anglo-Saxes.

As opposed to the tenor-saxes
and the alto-saxes?

Listen, a colored guy
gets in trouble,

he runs right away
to the NC double-A PP.

Italian guy gets
in trouble,

he runs over
to see the Pope,

if he can scratch up
the airfare.

If not, he hops a bus
to Jersey to see Sinatra.

And you do anything
to a Jew -

Whoa ho ho, boy...

The whole Israel Air Force
swoops down on you

and kicketh
the crapola outta you.

But who's doing anything
for me?

Arch, you're not alone,
you got me, Ma, Gloria, and Joey.

Oh, geez, what a
bad feeling.

Meathead, a Dingbat,
a woman's libber,

and a bald-headed kid.

I know you're under
a lot of pressure.

That's why Gloria and I
want to help you out.

We got a few bucks
stashed away--

I don't want
to hear this.

Arch, you're gonna listen.

I'll sing you
something here.

We've got $1,500,
we want to give it to you.

* Tangerine *

* She is all they claim *

Arch, it's only fair!
* with her eyes of night *

You helped us,
we want to help you! * and lips as bright as flame *

Let me tell you something
over there, buddy.

My old man told me this
during the Depression.

He was broke!

Didn't have the money
to buy food, pay the rent.

And he had to run around,
putting the arm on all the relations there,

for a five here,
a ten there.

It broke his heart.

And they all called him
a moocher. A moocher!

The last thing he said to me
before he died,

he said, "Don't never borrow
from no relations."

"They'll call you
a moocher."

And when he died,
I had to borrow the money to plant him.

And what do you think
the relations called me? Moocher?

Worse than that.
Son of a moocher.

Look, Arch...

Here's a check, $1,500.

I want you to take it.
* Tangerine *

Take it, will you?
* When she passes by *

* Cavaleros smile *

* and se�oritas
do this here *

* Tangerine! *

Will you put
a lid on that? * She is all they claim *

You're hurting my scar.

Just tell your son-in-law,
who's trying to lend me money,

that I ain't gonna borrow
no money from him.

What can I do to change
your mind?

* Tangerine *

All right, forget it.

Forget it, Arch.

When little Joey asks me
how his grandfather got in the poor-house,

I'll tell him.
I offered him the $1,500.

He looked me straight
in the eye,

and very proudly said,
* Tangerine *

[CONTINUES SINGING]

That was so nice
of Mike.

Oh, Edith...

God help us
if God helps us.

He will, Archie.
He will.

If you take your medicine.

That medicine would
defoliate a wire brush.

As for God helping me,
he ain't done much to help me lately.

How can you say that?

He got you through
your gall-bladder operation.

Who threw the stones
in the bladder in the first place?

Archie, God didn't do that.

That was all that
greasy junk food you eat when you ain't home.

If the food was bad,
why didn't God, in his infinite mercy,

make me barf it up?

Archie, that's silly.

Don't say that's silly,
it ain't silly.

These here questions,
like why God gives the gall stones here,

and don't give
the gall stones over there,

why he holds one guy's
dinner down, makes another guy throw up his dinner,

them is questions that have
bothered great minds down through the ages.

I'm gonna ask you
another question here.

I been a good Christian
all my life, right?

Huh? Huh? Can't you
get behind me?

Oh, ah...

Damn right, yeah.
I'm a hell of a good Christian.

Look at the world
in the last 10, 12 years.

What have they
been doing, there?

They're all running around
delirious and dizzy from dope.

They're tearing around
like savages, jumping on each other's bones, there.

They're Sodom and Gomorrhizing
in the streets, there.

All having a hell of a time...
I've been a good Christian!

While all of them was out
enjoying themselves,

I was home with you.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.
I'll get that.

No, I'll get it.
I'll get that!

No, let me get that.
I said I'd --

I said I would get that!

Ask yourself
this question.

Why have I got gray hairs?

Well, answer the door.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.

Hank Pivnik, from work.

Come on in, say hello
to the Missus, there.

Hi, Mrs. Bunker.

Hank Pivkin, the biggest joker
down at work, a funny man.

They call him
the Jerry Lewis of the loading dock.

Hey, Archie, how's
your wife and kidneys?

[BOTH LAUGH]

Did you hear
that one?

How's your wife
and kidneys, eh?

Archie didn't have no trouble
with his kidneys,

it was his gall-bladder.

She don't get
these things, Hank.

She don't get
these things, you know?

Edith, you make me
so sad not getting jokes.

Give us something
to eat, huh?

There's chocolate cake
over there, Yeah.

and don't put no medicine
in it, we got a guest.

Excuse me.

How you doing, buddy?

Pretty good. Hey,
you look great, tiger.

Yeah?
Yeah.

What'd the doctor take out
besides the pretty nurses?

[BOTH LAUGH]

I wish Edith had heard
that one.

I think she'd
have caught that one. Yeah.

I brang you a present
from the guys,

they chipped in
down at the dock.

What is it?

It's a six-pack.

Six-pack?
A six-pack? Yeah.

Yeah, well, the guys
had to drink to your health.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Thank the guys, anyway.

How's everything going
down at the plant, huh?

Same old thing,
you know.

Crazy Jergensen,
and Whitey Monroe,

they had a drag race
with the forklifts.

Jeez, which direction,
forwards or reverse?

Neither.
Up and down.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Hey Edith, come on out,
you're missing some swell humor out here.

Sit down, huh?
Sit down.

Oh, yeah.
Go ahead, take the special chair.

My chair, nobody
sits in that but me.

You, being my buddy,
well, you know,

anything that's mine
is yours.

You mean that, Arch?
What's yours is mine?

I never say nothing
I don't mean.

Well, I'm glad
you said that.

'Cause I took your job.

What?

Yeah, I'm the new foreman.
Ain't that great?

You're kidding me.

No, no, no,
it's the truth.

Should I get out
of your chair, now?

I ain't thinking
about the chair, Hank.

Why don't you just get
the hell out of my house?

What are you getting
so excited about?

While I'm laying up here,
sick, you took my job!

I had to! I've got
a house, and a family.

What the hell have I got here?
A tree with two bamboons swinging out of it?

Hey, that's pretty funny,
two bamboons.

Oh, that's funny!

Hey, Edith,
come on out here.

I want to show you something
very interesting.

What is it?

I'm gonna kill a guy.

Oh, Archie...

Do you know why
I'm not working?

Because while I'm laid up
in the hospital sick, and laid up here homesick,

this guy who's supposed
to be my friend, took my job!

You took Archie's job?

I certainly did.

How could you do that?

It was easy.

I had to take
the foreman job

when they promoted Archie
to dispatcher.

They made me dispatcher?
Yeah.

They made me dispatcher?
Yeah!

They made Archie
dispatcher? Uh-huh.

They made me dispatcher?
Yeah, yeah.

They made you dispatcher.
They made me dispatcher.

When?
When?

When they took back
all the guys that they laid off.

Congratulations!

Oh, jeez!
Archie!

Wait a minute, Hank, Hank!

Hank, Hank,
don't run away.

I hope you ain't gonna be mad
for all them things I said.

Because, you know...
It's okay.

I'm gonna be
a good dispatcher, right?

Oh, yeah,
you'll be terrific.

All you gotta do is
sit around all day long,

and you say, "Which batch
should I dispatch?"

"Dis batch, or dis batch?"

[BOTH LAUGH]

So long!

Oh, what a guy.

That's why they call him
Jerry Lewis.

He kills everybody,
and everybody wants to kill him.

Archie!
Ain't that great?

Oh, Edith.
Oh!

You got a better job
and you're gonna get more money!

Oh, yeah, there's
more money with the job. It's a promotion.

Wait till
the kids hear, huh?

Oh, yeah.
And Mike was right!

Remember? In the hospital?

He said, "You shall overcome."

That's right. And for once
in his life, the meathead was right about something.

A little blast
of that colored blood sure changed my luck.

But, I wouldn't want it
to get around the plant, you know what I mean?

Why not? That ain't
nothing to be ashamed of.

I ain't ashamed
of it, Edith.

I'm very happy
to have it.

I just don't want nobody to go
around saying that I'm, uh...

the token dispatcher.

Oh, Archie.

And you thought God
wasn't taking care of you.

Edith, I was very wrong
about that.

I admit it.
I was wrong.

And I hope and I pray
that God will forgive me for that, you know?

But after all, uh...

a lot of people, like Job!

Job hollered at God,
didn't he?

And, uh, as memory serves,

he got a promotion
out of that.

And a nice write-up
in the Bible.

I'm gonna thank God,
thank-- God, thanks.

You're okay
in my book.

No, really, Edith,
we've got to have a little thankfulness around here.

Hey, hey...

church on Sunday, huh?

Oh, Archie,
that would be nice.

Maybe I'll even
go with you.

**

All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

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