Original subtitles

* Boy, the way Glenn Miller played *

* Songs that made the hit parade *

* Guys like us we had it made *

* Those were the days *

* And you knew where you were then *

* Girls were girls and men were men *

* Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again *

* Didn't need no welfare state *

* Everybody pulled his weight *

* Gee, our old LaSalle ran great *

* Those were the days *

Oh, jeez.

Hey, out there in the--

Hey, out there in the 6th floor there.

I told you I wouldn't eat no creamed chipped beef on toast.

I told you I wouldn't eat no creamed meats at all.

It gives me "dispoopsia."

You hear me out there, huh? Do you hear me, huh?

Hey, warden, do you hear me out there?

If I don't get attention soon,

I'm gonna run out there in the hall

in this trick hospital nightgown there,

and there's gonna be one hell of an exposure out there.

I'm gonna flash up one way and moon down the other.

Mr. Bunker, this is a hospital.

Well, I knew it wasn't the Hong Kong Hilton.

When the hell do I get out of here, Anna Mae Wang?

Speaking for the entire 6th floor, I hope today.

But what time today, huh? What time, huh?

Morning, Beauty.

Hey...

How are you feeling today, soul brother?

Hey...

Pretty good there, Dr. Thatcher.

You know, I've been meaning to ask you that, you know,

since that soul blood from you was kind of

transconfused into my veins, there,

I mean, could that make any kind of a difference?

Not visibly, but maybe psychologically.

Tell me this, how do you feel? I feel fine.

Your hands strong enough for lifting? Oh, sure.

Your feet strong enough for stomping? Sure.

Well, you're ready for your first tap-dancing lesson.

Hey, I think you're kidding me there, doc.

But I want to tell you the truth.

I wouldn't mind if it made me a little more musical.

Think positive, man. Think black.

In no time at all, they'll be calling you Mr. Bojangles.

Hi, Dr. Thatcher.

Good morning, Mr. Stivic.

Hey, Arch, how you feeling?

Ah, stinko, but forget that.

Do you know what I just found out?

You know, Dr. Thatcher giving me the blood and all of that...

Do you know what them colored corpsucles might do?

Mug the white corpsucles?

Don't be a wise-guy, huh?

Arch, when are you gonna get off of this garbage about inferior blood?

I didn't say nothing about inferior blood.

Them is your words, there.

Listen, Dr. Thatcher was just in here a minute ago.

She was hinting around there, you see, that the colored chromastones

inside of them soul corpsucles, there,

they could maybe make certain changes.

You know, I think she's right, Arch.

Your hair is starting to kink up a little bit.

Get out of here!

Try to talk a little scientific with you,

you give me answers like some jerk off of the street.

You gonna eat that JELL-O?

Hospital JELL-O?

I lost my gall bladder, not my marbles.

Hey, good news!

Don't holler, don't holler!

Archie...

I was just talking to Dr. Shapiro.

He's gonna let you come home today.

Ain't that wonderful?

But what time, what time?

Soon! Soon!

You're spitting on me, Edith.

Oh, Archie, I missed you.

I don't like living alone, and sleeping alone.

Shh, in front of the boy.

I got everything you need.

A clean shirt, your pants, your underwear,

I'll put them in here.

[GROANS]

What?

You know, I thought I seen everything...

the day that I seen you dunk a hamburger in cocoa.

But this here, I ought to sell tickets for this.

Get this out of here! Take it out in the hall!

And finish it up out there.

When you're finished, go down to the cashier and get my bill!

Okay, Arch.

Hey, all you sickies there on the 6th floor...

You wanna see something exciting?

Get away from your television sets,

look out the door, the blob is coming!

Archie...

calm down.

Just think!

Tonight you're gonna be back with me

in our own warm bed,

and everything will be just like it was before.

Hey, Edith, maybe back in our own, warm bed,

things might be a little better than they was before.

What with this new colored blood in me, you know what I mean?

No...

Well...

maybe I shouldn't mention it,

but I just didn't want you to get scared or nothing.

Oh...

Oh, Archie, that's dumb.

Dumb?

You're saying dumb to me?

I'm laying here in a hospital bed,

after 27 years of marriage, you would call me dumb?

Oh, I'm sorry, Archie,

I shouldn't have waited so long.

Don't get mad.

Ahh...

I got some good news.

I heard a rumor that they're taking back men at the plant.

But they ain't taking me back at the plant!

What am I doing? I'm laying here with an IOU for a gall bladder!

I got the bill, Arch.

They said you should pay it on the way out.

Ah, the bill. Well, thank God for the insurance companies.

See, the company handles most of this.

I only got to pay 20% of what they put down here,

which is $640.

You see, 20% of that ain't bad, right?

Not these days. Let me see that.

Arch...

The $640 is your 20%.

Huh?

The whole bill is $3,200.

Wait a minute, wait a minute...

$3,200?

Look at that, Edith, how the hell are we gonna handle that?

What did they charge me for?

Intervenoos anesthooties, here...

pharmacuticles,

look what they're charging me for an enema, here...

$19 for that?

Well, geez, they only used tap water.

For that kind of money, they ought to pump me full of champagne!

Well, I ain't paying this thing!

Hey there! Hey on the 6th floor and you cashiers,

I ain't gonna pay this! This ain't a hospital bill, this is a stick-up in here!

Stop all that screaming.

You're disturbing everybody.

Well, this here is disturbing me.

He's upset about the bill, it's $3,200.

We only paid $131.50 when I had Gloria.

Yeah, and we got to keep what they took out of you.

Sorry, Mr. Bunker, but these are all legitimate charges.

Dr. Shapiro has signed your release.

You'd better get dressed.

I'm getting out of here fast.

Let me out of this clip joint!

Oh, Dr. Thatcher...

You've been so kind, and I want to tell you again

how thankful I am for giving Archie your blood.

Not to mention it, my dear.

I wanna thank you, too, doctor!

Edith won't believe how thankful she's gonna be!

You're welcome, Mr. Bunker.

Any time you need more blood, I'll be glad to give you a refill.

Well, that's mighty white of you there, doc.

Oh!

I didn't mean nothing by that,

I was just talking about the blood,

oh, pardon my front, here.

What I mean to say, doc,

is the blood ain't the problem.

I ain't got my job to look forward to,

and I gotta get that job back.

You see, doctor, they're taking men back at the plant,

but they ain't called Archie.

That's what I call discrimination.

Oh, buck up, Mr. Bunker.

It took us 200 years to get equal rights.

You've only been black four days.

Yeah, don't worry, Arch.

You shall overcome.

You ain't coming down until you take your medicine.

It's in the glass by the bed.

It ain't there no more.

What happened to it?

[TOILET FLUSHING]

He ain't gonna get away with that.

I know what to do.

Hey, come on, Arch. Cheer up!

You're not the only guy to have an operation

or be stuck in the house for a week or to be out of a job.

ARCHIE: And I hope you ain't got your butt in my chair.

No, I'm sitting on the couch, Arch.

'Cause I'm coming down, I don't care what anybody says.

Don't care what Edith says, I'm coming down, Edith!

And bring me a beer! A beer, a beer, a beer!

Just a minute!

Not in a minute, right now!

Or I rip out my stitches.

Hey...

Canal boots off of the coffee table.

Here you are, a nice, cold beer.

Give it to me.

Why did you pour it from the can into the glass?

It loses so much through the air.

I thought it would be nice for a change.

Just remember, I hate change.

Aw, jeez, now I know why you done that, Lucretia Borden,

you poisoned it with the medicine, huh?

Come on, Archie, drink it.

It's for your own good.

Not for my own good! Take it into the kitchen.

Spread it around on the floor,

it'll blind all the roaches.

Archie, come on...

Get it away from me.

I ain't taking that medicine!

All right, then I'll get it in something.

That something's gonna be thrown against the wall,

so it better not be Cream of Wheat.

Arch, just because you have problems, you don't have to take it out on the family.

We didn't cause your unemployment.

The whole country's got that problem.

You wanna get mad, you get mad at the guys who are responsible.

The guys in the White House.

Ah, come on, will you?

The White House ain't got nothing to do

with what's going on in this country.

President Ford is supposed to be responsible for the state of the economy,

the high cost of living, and unemployment.

Will you lay off Ford?

He's doing a hell of a good job for a guy that got kicked in the head playing ball.

And I'll tell you something else, wise guy.

Between Jerry Ford and Jerry Carter, I know which way I'm going.

It's too bad you couldn't vote for your real favorite-- Jerry Reagan.

Yes, buddy, yes, yes!

I'll tell you something else about this guy Carter.

He takes that big smile out of his face every night and puts it in a glass.

Arch, he doesn't have false teeth.

Oh, Joe Foley told me he read that in the National Enquirer--

the only paper where you read the truth nowadays.

I tell you another thing that was in there.

If Carter becomes president, he's gonna sell more wheat than ever to the Ruskies.

Why? So the Ruskies will make more bread than ever.

Why? So that Carter can sell them the peanut butter to smear on it.

I don't want to argue with you, Arch.

Maybe by the time Joey's grown up,

we'll have an administration that'll listen.

I can't wait for that!

Mean time, who's taking care of the regular Americans like me, huh?

The Anglo-Saxes.

As opposed to the tenor-saxes and the alto-saxes?

Listen, a colored guy gets in trouble,

he runs right away to the NC double-A PP.

Italian guy gets in trouble,

he runs over to see the Pope,

if he can scratch up the airfare.

If not, he hops a bus to Jersey to see Sinatra.

And you do anything to a Jew -

Whoa ho ho, boy...

The whole Israel Air Force swoops down on you

and kicketh the crapola outta you.

But who's doing anything for me?

Arch, you're not alone, you got me, Ma, Gloria, and Joey.

Oh, geez, what a bad feeling.

Meathead, a Dingbat, a woman's libber,

and a bald-headed kid.

I know you're under a lot of pressure.

That's why Gloria and I want to help you out.

We got a few bucks stashed away--

I don't want to hear this.

Arch, you're gonna listen.

I'll sing you something here.

We've got $1,500, we want to give it to you.

* Tangerine *

* She is all they claim *

Arch, it's only fair! * with her eyes of night *

You helped us, we want to help you! * and lips as bright as flame *

Let me tell you something over there, buddy.

My old man told me this during the Depression.

He was broke!

Didn't have the money to buy food, pay the rent.

And he had to run around, putting the arm on all the relations there,

for a five here, a ten there.

It broke his heart.

And they all called him a moocher. A moocher!

The last thing he said to me before he died,

he said, "Don't never borrow from no relations."

"They'll call you a moocher."

And when he died, I had to borrow the money to plant him.

And what do you think the relations called me? Moocher?

Worse than that. Son of a moocher.

Look, Arch...

Here's a check, $1,500.

I want you to take it. * Tangerine *

Take it, will you? * When she passes by *

* Cavaleros smile *

* and se�oritas do this here *

* Tangerine! *

Will you put a lid on that? * She is all they claim *

You're hurting my scar.

Just tell your son-in-law, who's trying to lend me money,

that I ain't gonna borrow no money from him.

What can I do to change your mind?

* Tangerine *

All right, forget it.

Forget it, Arch.

When little Joey asks me how his grandfather got in the poor-house,

I'll tell him. I offered him the $1,500.

He looked me straight in the eye,

and very proudly said, * Tangerine *

[CONTINUES SINGING]

That was so nice of Mike.

Oh, Edith...

God help us if God helps us.

He will, Archie. He will.

If you take your medicine.

That medicine would defoliate a wire brush.

As for God helping me, he ain't done much to help me lately.

How can you say that?

He got you through your gall-bladder operation.

Who threw the stones in the bladder in the first place?

Archie, God didn't do that.

That was all that greasy junk food you eat when you ain't home.

If the food was bad, why didn't God, in his infinite mercy,

make me barf it up?

Archie, that's silly.

Don't say that's silly, it ain't silly.

These here questions, like why God gives the gall stones here,

and don't give the gall stones over there,

why he holds one guy's dinner down, makes another guy throw up his dinner,

them is questions that have bothered great minds down through the ages.

I'm gonna ask you another question here.

I been a good Christian all my life, right?

Huh? Huh? Can't you get behind me?

Oh, ah...

Damn right, yeah. I'm a hell of a good Christian.

Look at the world in the last 10, 12 years.

What have they been doing, there?

They're all running around delirious and dizzy from dope.

They're tearing around like savages, jumping on each other's bones, there.

They're Sodom and Gomorrhizing in the streets, there.

All having a hell of a time... I've been a good Christian!

While all of them was out enjoying themselves,

I was home with you.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it. I'll get that.

No, I'll get it. I'll get that!

No, let me get that. I said I'd --

I said I would get that!

Ask yourself this question.

Why have I got gray hairs?

Well, answer the door.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, I don't believe it. I don't believe it.

Hank Pivnik, from work.

Come on in, say hello to the Missus, there.

Hi, Mrs. Bunker.

Hank Pivkin, the biggest joker down at work, a funny man.

They call him the Jerry Lewis of the loading dock.

Hey, Archie, how's your wife and kidneys?

[BOTH LAUGH]

Did you hear that one?

How's your wife and kidneys, eh?

Archie didn't have no trouble with his kidneys,

it was his gall-bladder.

She don't get these things, Hank.

She don't get these things, you know?

Edith, you make me so sad not getting jokes.

Give us something to eat, huh?

There's chocolate cake over there, Yeah.

and don't put no medicine in it, we got a guest.

Excuse me.

How you doing, buddy?

Pretty good. Hey, you look great, tiger.

Yeah? Yeah.

What'd the doctor take out besides the pretty nurses?

[BOTH LAUGH]

I wish Edith had heard that one.

I think she'd have caught that one. Yeah.

I brang you a present from the guys,

they chipped in down at the dock.

What is it?

It's a six-pack.

Six-pack? A six-pack? Yeah.

Yeah, well, the guys had to drink to your health.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Thank the guys, anyway.

How's everything going down at the plant, huh?

Same old thing, you know.

Crazy Jergensen, and Whitey Monroe,

they had a drag race with the forklifts.

Jeez, which direction, forwards or reverse?

Neither. Up and down.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Hey Edith, come on out, you're missing some swell humor out here.

Sit down, huh? Sit down.

Oh, yeah. Go ahead, take the special chair.

My chair, nobody sits in that but me.

You, being my buddy, well, you know,

anything that's mine is yours.

You mean that, Arch? What's yours is mine?

I never say nothing I don't mean.

Well, I'm glad you said that.

'Cause I took your job.

What?

Yeah, I'm the new foreman. Ain't that great?

You're kidding me.

No, no, no, it's the truth.

Should I get out of your chair, now?

I ain't thinking about the chair, Hank.

Why don't you just get the hell out of my house?

What are you getting so excited about?

While I'm laying up here, sick, you took my job!

I had to! I've got a house, and a family.

What the hell have I got here? A tree with two bamboons swinging out of it?

Hey, that's pretty funny, two bamboons.

Oh, that's funny!

Hey, Edith, come on out here.

I want to show you something very interesting.

What is it?

I'm gonna kill a guy.

Oh, Archie...

Do you know why I'm not working?

Because while I'm laid up in the hospital sick, and laid up here homesick,

this guy who's supposed to be my friend, took my job!

You took Archie's job?

I certainly did.

How could you do that?

It was easy.

I had to take the foreman job

when they promoted Archie to dispatcher.

They made me dispatcher? Yeah.

They made me dispatcher? Yeah!

They made Archie dispatcher? Uh-huh.

They made me dispatcher? Yeah, yeah.

They made you dispatcher. They made me dispatcher.

When? When?

When they took back all the guys that they laid off.

Congratulations!

Oh, jeez! Archie!

Wait a minute, Hank, Hank!

Hank, Hank, don't run away.

I hope you ain't gonna be mad for all them things I said.

Because, you know... It's okay.

I'm gonna be a good dispatcher, right?

Oh, yeah, you'll be terrific.

All you gotta do is sit around all day long,

and you say, "Which batch should I dispatch?"

"Dis batch, or dis batch?"

[BOTH LAUGH]

So long!

Oh, what a guy.

That's why they call him Jerry Lewis.

He kills everybody, and everybody wants to kill him.

Archie! Ain't that great?

Oh, Edith. Oh!

You got a better job and you're gonna get more money!

Oh, yeah, there's more money with the job. It's a promotion.

Wait till the kids hear, huh?

Oh, yeah. And Mike was right!

Remember? In the hospital?

He said, "You shall overcome."

That's right. And for once in his life, the meathead was right about something.

A little blast of that colored blood sure changed my luck.

But, I wouldn't want it to get around the plant, you know what I mean?

Why not? That ain't nothing to be ashamed of.

I ain't ashamed of it, Edith.

I'm very happy to have it.

I just don't want nobody to go around saying that I'm, uh...

the token dispatcher.

Oh, Archie.

And you thought God wasn't taking care of you.

Edith, I was very wrong about that.

I admit it. I was wrong.

And I hope and I pray that God will forgive me for that, you know?

But after all, uh...

a lot of people, like Job!

Job hollered at God, didn't he?

And, uh, as memory serves,

he got a promotion out of that.

And a nice write-up in the Bible.

I'm gonna thank God, thank-- God, thanks.

You're okay in my book.

No, really, Edith, we've got to have a little thankfulness around here.

Hey, hey...

church on Sunday, huh?

Oh, Archie, that would be nice.

Maybe I'll even go with you.

**

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0