All language subtitles for All In the Family s07e06 Archie.eng

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

- ...Archie, come on.
- [ARCHIE COMPLAINING]

After all, maybe if
I laid home for a week

and you brung me soup,
it would help the same.

No, no, Archie.

Come on,
take off your coat.

Now, don't get scared.

Don't say "scared"
with people lookin' at us!

I ain't scared of
nothin', here!

Go on! I'll come in
with you!

All right, all right,
all right!

No, no! Don't come in
with me!

- Sit down over there!
- All right!

Uh, the name is A. Bunker,
there, sis.

I'm here for
a gall bladder operation.

[HEAVY LATIN ACCENT]
Would you please wait outside

until I'm finished
with this gentleman?

The doctor sent me right over.
It seems it's an emergency.

Yes, around here,
most of them are.

Please take a "sit."

Well, maybe I ain't got
time to take a "sit."

Are you bleeding?

Not yet.

Well, then, you have time
to take a "sit," please!

All right, all right.

But if my gall bladder
bursts,

let it be on your head!

What happened?

She reminds me
of somebody awful!

Yeah, but what did--
what did she say?

Aw, she just said
go out here and wait.

Oh, all right.
Come on, now.

Sit down
and don't worry.

Doctors--make you
wait on line to die.

Aw.

Now, don't worry.

Dr. Shapiro says
it ain't serious,

and he ain't worried.

Yeah, well, if Shapiro
was having the operation,

I wouldn't worry.

Are they gonna take out
your whole gall bladder

or just the stones?

I don't know, Edith.

But these doctors,
once they cut you open,

they start rootin'
around your guts.

They take out anything
they can put on the bill.

Don't even think about 'em
cuttin' you open.

I'll do that, I'll do--
I'll do that!

I will do that!

Stop bein' nervous yourself!

You're the one that's
makin' me nervous!

Don't think about me.
Don't think about nothin' there.

Just--just do...
Look off into the distance or somethin' there.

Here, here, here.

Read a magazine.

All right.

Ugh.

Oh, maybe I shouldn't
look at this one, Archie.

No, read it,
read it, read it.

Mm.

Give me that!

Wasn't you shocked by that?

Yeah.

Then why was you
lookin' at it for?!

You told me to.

Couldn't you find
a cake recipe in there?!

Well, let's see.
No!

No, don't do that!

Ma!

Oh, hi, Gloria!

Daddy,
what's happening?

Your mother
is cheering me up here.

Well, I brought you
some flowers.

I thought you was gonna
bring me beer?!

Daddy, the strangest thing
happened when I was leaving the house.

I kissed Joey good-bye,
and I told him his grandpa was in the hospital.

And he got the saddest look
on his little face.

Oh, yeah?

Geez, ain't that sweet.

You hear that, Edith?
He got a sad look on his little face.

When he gets that look,
I always change him right away.

[HEAVY LATIN ACCENT]
Okay, Mr. Bonkers, you can come in now.

Ah, did you hear that?
Bonkers? Bunker's the name!

Let me fix your shirt.

Get your hands
out of my pants!

I know who she
reminds me of now.

Fido Castro.

So, uh, what's next?

What is the name
of your doctor?

Uh, Shapiro.

Uh, which Dr. Shapiro?
We have many of them.

Oh, I don--
I don't remember.

Let me see here.

Abraham Shapiro?
No, no.

Uh, Bernard Shapiro?
No.

Hymen Shapiro?
No.

Mark Shapiro?

Wait a minute.
What the hell is so many Shapiros

doin' in a
Presbyterian hospital?

Samuel Shapiro?
No.

Seymour Shapiro?

That's it, stop there.
Yeah, that's it--Seymour.

That's my Shapiro.

[HEAVY LATIN ACCENT]
Okay, next of kin?

Huh?

Kin. Kin.

King who?

Who do we notify,
just in case.

What do you mean
"just in case"?

Just in case what?! What?!

In case you croak! Croak!

Notify my wife.
Edith.

Right there.
Edith Bunker.

She's sittin' outside
there readin'.

Oh, and by the way...

What is the centerfold
of a Playgirl doin' out there?

What kind of a thing
is that for sick people to look at?

If you have been looking at
the centerfold in Playgirl,

there'd be something else
that's wrong with you, Papi.

[BLOWS KISSES]

[PHONE RINGS]

Excuse me.

Admittance,
Ms. Betancourt speaking.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Aw, geez.

[CONTINUES SPEAKING SPANISH]

...kosher delicatessen.

Kosher delicatessen?
Why do I have to listen to this?

Well, listen, put him on.
Let me talk to him.

What's wrong
with eating Italian?

I'm dying for a big pizza
with everything on it.

Do you have to
talk about food?!

Would you shut up?!

With cheese and anchovies

and sausages and pepperoni.

I am so hungry.

I hope you got
a spare uniform.

'Cause in a minute,
I'm gonna vomit on ya.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

...gringo loco aquí.

Okay, ciao.

[CHUCKLES]

[BLOWS KISSES]

Sí, okay.

What's the name of
your insurance company?

Fiddle Tie.

Excuse me?

Here.
It's written down here.

Fiddle Tie, Fiddle Tie.

That's Fidelity.

Well, if that's the way they
want to call it in "Guatamula,"

I don't give a damn.

[HEAVY LATIN ACCENT]
Do you have an account in a bank?

Yeah,
First National "Bonk."

References?

It's a
pretty good "bonk."

Will they
give you references?

What the hell
are you talkin' about?!

They're holdin' my dough,
why I need references from them?

No references.

Okay, do you want a ward,
a semi-private room, or a private room?

Any room at all,
as long as there ain't a guy in it with hoses up his nose.

You'll be in Room 417.
417. I'll go on up there.

José! Where are
you going?

I'm going up to 417!
No, no, no, you can't walk there.

[INDISTINCT YELLING]
I'm very sorry, these are the rules.

What the hell?!

I feel Like Jimmy Cagney
in the big house.

Look at my daughter
with her nose in the nudies there!

Mr. Bunker?

Mr. Bunker?

I'm in here changing.
Wait a minute, will ya?

[SIGHS]

Ah, look at this thing
they give me to wear here.

What's the problem?

The problem?
Look at the back of it there.

No, don't look
at the back!

You put it on backwards,
your front is showin'.

You put it on frontwards,
your back is showin'.

You can't figure
which side there you wanna flash to the world.

I'm sure the world
is waitin' on your decision.

Get into bed, man.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Would you turn
your head away, huh?

[SIGHS]

When you've seen one,
you've seen them all.

If you've seen one,
then you won't be so interested in mine.

All right, now you can
turn around and look.

Now, wait a minute.
I want to tell you somethin'.

Whatever you're gonna do here,
I don't care what it is,

I want you to
explain it to me!

Now you listen, boysy.

If you behave yourself,
I'll be good to you.

But if you don't
behave yourself,

I'll go take a bedpan
and beat you with it!

The nurses in this joint
are killers.

What was that?
I said I'm tryin' to fix my pillows here.

Hey, uh, listen, you talk,

if you don't mind
my sayin' so, kinda funny.

Uh, what part of Harlem
are you from?

I come from the West Indies.

Oh, the West Indies.

Oh, well, aloha.

I'm goin' to give you a shot
to relieve your pain.

Turn over.

Aw, geez, why do they
always give you a shot

where the pain ain't?

Turn over.

Well--well,
wait--wait a minute.

Shouldn't we wait
for the doctor, huh?

I am a doctor.
I'm on the staff here.

Oh!

You are--you're a--
you're a regular doctor?

Only at night.

By day I strangle chickens
for the Colonel.

I think we oughta wait
for Dr. Shapiro.

I'm assistin' Dr. Shapiro.
Now turn over.

Oh, no, but wait a minute,
wait a minute.

I wanna know one thing--
Shapiro's doin' the operation?

Maybe he is,
Maybe he's not.

Now turn over.

Aw, gee.
I wanna tell you somethin'.

I don't mind a West Indian
shot in the butt there,

but when it comes
to the operation,

I want a regular, normal,
everyday, American hospital operation, you know?

I mean, I can't use any fires
or dancin' or rattlin' bones.

I'm glad you
told me that, man,

because I was goin'
to sacrifice a monkey.

Ouch!

Geez!

In this day and age,
you'd think they'd have little sweet pills for this.

Medical science
is a lot of crapola!

Uh, what...

What are you gonna
use the razor for?

For shavin'.

I shaved this mornin'.

I bet you didn't shave
where I'm goin' to shave you.

Wait a minute, there!

Hey!

Hold everything!

Now, listen, I know that
they got men nurses for this, see?

I-It ain't so much
the lookin', there,

but, I mean, men are
used to shavin', you know?

And they do it good.

I mean, after all, one slip
with a weapon like that

could change your whole
personality!

Not to worry, my dear.

I wish I had a shillin'
for every time I did this.

You are in capable hands.

I ain't sayin' you
ain't capable, you are a doctor and all that.

But, look, after all,
you are a woman, you know?

I mean, I don't mind
a little glance at the keister over there,

but this is awful!

I am sure it is.

I have to do it anyway.

Oh, no, no, no!
Hold--hold on, Doctor.

This is gonna
make me so ashamed.

My dear, I will do it
in a manner that will cause you no shame.

How ya gonna do that?

When I shave you,

I'm gonna close me eyes.

Oh, geez!
Now, wait a minute.

Now, hold it.
Now, be careful here.

Be careful what
you're doin' there.

Oh, Archie, don't bother
about that no more.

Listen, they'd better
operate on me soon.

I'm gonna have
a five o'clock shadow, here.

When are they
gonna operate?

Why don't they
get on with it?!

Shh! Don't holler.

You might wake up
your roommate.

Aw, don't worry about him.

He ain't moved
since I checked in here.

Oh, do you think
he's all right?

I don't know.
Kick the bed and see what he does.

Oh, Archie!

Listen, listen,
I'm glad we're alone here.

We can have a few minutes
of quiet talk.

Listen, Edith,
there's some important things I gotta talk over with ya.

You know, before.

Before what?

Before I go under the knife.

You know,
anything could happen.

Oh, Archie, no!

No, I don't wanna talk
about nothin' like that!

You gotta talk about it!
You gotta be prepared.

Now, just listen to me.

To begin with...

At home, in the top
of the bedroom closet on the shelf there,

there's a cigar box, see?

Now, you look in there,
and you'll find a white envelope.

It's got some money in there.

It's just some football bets,
some loans that was repaid, you know.

And listen, I wasn't
keepin' it from ya, see?

I mean, I just forgot
to tell ya about it.

And now with God
lookin' me in the face,

I just remembered.

There ain't much in there,
about $108.

A hundred and nine.

If you knew about it,
why didn't you tell me?!

Well, if I told you,
then when you wanted to tell me,

you wouldn't have
nothin' to tell.

I guess that makes sense.
I don't know anymore.

Here, let me make
you more comfortable.

There's somethin' else
that's botherin' me--

there's somethin' else
botherin'--

there's something
botherin' me

more than what
you're doin' right now!

Edith!

Listen, I'm worried,

because I don't
want little Joey

to forget about me
when I ain't here anymore.

Oh, Archie, please don't
talk about when you ain't hear no more!

When am I supposed
to talk about when I ain't hear no more?

When I ain't hear no more?

I gotta talk about
when I ain't hear no more when I'm here!

Can't you follow that?

[SIGHS]

Now, listen, I don't
want Joey to forget me.

Oh, he won't
forget you, Archie.

I'll tell him stories
about you all the time.

Don't tell him long stories,
the child will hate me.

Just take the $109.

And every birthday,
you buy him a little present there, see, from me.

And you get a little birthday
card, just from me.

Have it say something
on it, you know.

Whatever. Somethin'
kinda pretty like,

"This is to remind you
that I'm still around,

even though I'm very deep
into the ground."

Somethin' like that.

Tsk. Yeah, yeah.
I will.

Now, about the funeral--

There ain't
gonna be no funeral.

Certainly there's
gonna be a funeral.

What the hell you gonna do?!

Put me out with the garbage?!

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

[SIGHS]

Now, listen, there's
a bright side to this funeral,

'cause the lodge
gets stuck with the tab.

Now remember,
I'm a charter member there.

So I'm entitled to be buried
in the "A" section.

That's the new section
far away from the L-train.

Huh?

And don't let them bury me
beside Tiny Stilverforce.

'Cause his family,
the whole bunch of them,

they're a no-class
crowd of people.

They come out to the cemetery
on decoration day

and picnic all over the mounds.

And I don't want none of them
sittin' on my mound.

You hear me?

Yeah, yeah, I hear you.

But please,
no more about graves.

The grave is settled, Edith.

Now about the coffin...

Oh, Archie!

Edith, just take the coffin

that the lodge gives you.

Don't let no
"mortrician" sell you one of them expensive kind

with the great wood
and all that.

And all of that satin that I
hate. It's so slippery there.

When they're carryin' you
down the steps of the church,

the corpse always slips
to the bottom of the box there.

One thing is very,
very important here.

I want you to stay with me,
right beside me,

right through the burial.

But what if I'm still alive?

I ain't askin' ya to go
into the ground with me.

Once they box me and plant me,
you can go home.

I--I can't listen
to this no more!

What else is a wife for
except to listen these terrible things?!

Now, Edith, one thing
you gotta remember--

when you dress me, see,

you dress me
in a nice white shirt,

the blue tie,
the nice grey suit.

Your grey suit
is too tight for ya.

You let it out in the back!
Who the hell is gonna see it?!

Tuck it down
around the sides.

Archie, please
don't talk no more about death and dyin'.

Why don't we
talk about life?

I wanna talk about life.

Good!

Now...about
your next husband--

Oh!

I'm in pain here, Edith!
Ow! Ow!

What? Oh, Archie!

Oh, the pain here,
Edith, the pain!

Sit down
and listen to this!

Now, about
your next husband--

Archie, I ain't gonna
get married again.

Oh-oh-oh, that's
what you say now.

But, Edith,
when you're alone there,

and the lonely days go on
and on and on into the future,

in a week or so,
you'll be climbin' the walls.

I just want you
to do me a favor, Edith.

Don't marry nobody
who was a friend of mine.

I can't stand the thought
of them bein' in bed with ya.

In fact, I can't stand
the thought of them at all.

Like Will Rogers used to say,

"I never met a friend
I really liked."

Oh, hi, Arch.

Ah, hi there,
Meathead. Hi, Ma.

Oh, hi, Mike.

How ya feelin', Arch?

How ya think?
Stinko.

When's the operation?

I don't know.

They never tell ya
nothin' in the hospital,

except how much
you owe them.

Oh, hey, Arch,
don't worry about money.

Whatever Gloria
and I have is yours.

Well, sure it is.
That's where it comes from in the first place.

Hello, Mike, Edith.

Archie, I'm sorry
to keep you waiting.

Oh, that's okay,
Dr. Shapiro. I understand.

It's hard to find
a parking slot for that big Cadillac of yours.

Archie, there's
gonna be a slight delay in the operation.

We have to locate
some blood for you.

What do you need blood for?

Expect to spill a lot?

Oh, no, no, no.

We have to be prepared
for every emergency.

See, see, see, see?

Archie, you have a
comparatively rare blood type--

AB negative.

But don't worry, we have a call
out to our local sources,

and we should be
hearing very soon.

Wa-wa-wait a minute there,
Dr. Shapiro.

What about
Edith's blood here?

I mean, after all,
all the years together there,

we're eatin' out
of the same dishes,

drinkin' out
of the same glasses,

we're usin' the same sheets
and towels and pillowcases,

same bathtub
and everything else,

I mean, after all this time,
our blood's got to be the same.

Archie, she's the wrong type.

We checked her
over an hour ago.

You knew this an hour ago,
and you didn't tell me?!

Well, Archie, I didn't
want you to worry.

When you know somethin'
that I don't know,

that's when I worry!

Doctor, everything is ready
as soon as you're scrubbed.

We'll have to wait,
Dr. Thatcher, until we get an AB neg. donor.

Oh, but we have a volunteer.

Oh, one of the friends
showed up, huh?

Who's the volunteer?

You?

Oh, thank you, Doctor!

That's so nice!

Now, wait a minute.
Now, wait a minute.

Now, just--shh!

Now, wait a minute,
just a minute.

Now, let me just say this.

No intense offended there,
Dr. Thatcher,

but-but-but let me ask
Dr. Shapiro about this.

I mean, do you
think this is good? Dr. Thatcher's blood?

Oh, come on, Arch.
Don't start this.

I ain't talkin' about this!

I'm talkin' about, uh-uh-uh--
she's a woman, right?

So is that good?
I mean, a woman's blood goin' into my veins?

Well, you would have
taken mine, Archie.

Shut up!

Don't argue with your husband
in the hospital!

I--I mean, Doctor, you know,
a woman's blood goin' in there,

I mean, strange things
could happen.

I mean, suppose I grow bumps.

Then all your shirts
wouldn't fit.

Shut up.

Arch, you're
bein' ridiculous!

Listen, listen, what I mean,
Doctor, you know,

you mix my, uh, white, uh--
what do you call--

hemoglobins, see, with her
colored shemoglobins.

Anything could happen!

Yeah, there might
be a race riot.

Get away from me, you!

Archie, if the type
is compatible,

the blood is compatible.

Doctor, you don't understand
what I'm tryin' to say.

She is B-L-A-K.

But her blood is R-E-D-D.

Dr. Thatcher,
I'm gonna scrub up.

Bring the patient
to surgery, please.

Oh, fine. Okay, fellas,
bring the stretcher in.

Nothin' is goin'
right today, Edith.

I know, Archie.
It's gonna be all right.

What is this? Oh.

You're gonna be wonderful.
Just relax.

Oh, Edith.

Look at this, they're
comin' to get me now.

So long, Meathead.

Arch, I'll see ya tomorrow.

Sure you will.
But will I see you?

Not to worry, my dear,

you're in capable hands.

Everything is going
to be marvelous.

Are you sure of that, Doctor?

Positive.

Only one thing, though...

Yeah, what?

When you come out
the anesthetic,

you might have
a strange cravin' for watermelon.

♪

ANNOUNCER: All in the Family
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