Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us, we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls and men were men ♪

BOTH: ♪ Mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

BOTH: ♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

[HUMMING]

Joey's in the playpen, sleeping like a baby.

That's what he is.

Oh.

Yeah. [GIGGLES]

Mmm, boy, is Michael going to be surprised!

A Polish dinner just like his mother used to make.

Well, it ain't every day my son-in-law

write an article that's gonna be published in a magazine.

Yeah, it's like having a celebrity in the family.

Yeah!

The only person in my family that ever got in the papers

was my cousin Fred.

He got his picture in Sunshine and Health.

Isn't Sunshine and Health a nudist magazine?

Yeah.

Did you get to see cousin Fred naked?

No. Just his head and his feet.

The rest of him was behind a cow.

Oh, Ma, look at the time!

Oh, my goodness, I got to get upstairs and change for dinner.

Me too.

Turn the gas down on the whatchmacallit.

Ma, it's kapusta viaprovina.

Ka-- Oh, my goodness.

I don't know why they make Polish jokes.

Them people ought to get a medal

just for speaking their own language.

See you later, Ma.

Yeah.

Oh, there's my little Joey!

Welcome! Come on!

Oh, now, you be a good boy,

'cause Grandma's gonna go upstairs

and get dressed just for a little while.

[KISSES] Mmm-mmm.

Now, you be a good boy. I'll be right back.

Keep on truckin'! [GIGGLES]

♪ Who's my little whosit? ♪

♪ Who's my turtle dove? ♪

Oh, look who's over our house!

Little Joey.

Heh heh heh.

All by his lonesome there, huh?

Hey, Edith, I'm home!

What, they leave you here all alone?

Well, you just come on over here

and sit down and have a little talk

with your poor old grandpa, huh?

Heh heh, yeah.

Oh, I wanna tell you you're a beautiful kid

even though you ain't got much hair yet.

Yeah.

It's almost a shame you gotta grow up from this age, huh?

Boy, you 'bout to find out

what a rotten world this is.

Hope you never have a day like I had today.

Work 30 years of faithful service for the same company,

and what do you get for it? Thppbbt!

Oh, excuse me there, kiddo.

So, where is everybody, huh?

Where'd your grandma go?

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Hey, Edith, come on down.

I gotta tell ya something.

Oh, Archie!

I didn't hear you come in, on account of I was up in--

Yeah, we know, Edith, we know.

Look, uh--I'm gonna put the baby back in here,

and then we gotta sit down, have a little talk about somethin' important.

Oh, well, come on in the kitchen and talk-- We can't talk in--

'Cause I gotta stir my kapusta. We can't talk in the kitchen.

Get back out here.

Edith--Edith, come on, will ya?

This is important here.

What is that smell?

It's dinner!

It's like somethin' run in off the street and died here.

Oh, no, it's delicious.

I'm makin' it special for Mike to celebrate,

'cause he's gonna have his article published.

Come here to Grandma.

That's a boy.

We're gonna surprise him.

Yeah, well, Edith,

I got a little surprise for you,

and I think we better sit down-- Uh-oh!

Joey made a boom-boom!

[CHUCKLING] I got it.

Now, no, no-- you don't have to do that now.

I'll be right back. Can't you sit down?

Come on. Oh, come on, Edith.

You don't have to rip the kid's clothes off the minute it happens.

Let him enjoy it.

We'll put him in his crib,

so he can take his nap.

[PHONE RINGS]

I wanna talk about it now.

Would you get that, Archie? Now, Edith.

[RINGS]

Hello?

Oh, hi, Gloria.

Yeah, all right.

Yeah, I'll remember.

All right, you're bringin' the wine.

Joey's fine.

His grandma's got him upstairs, changing his number two.

Yeah, well, you and your mother

call it "boom-boom" if you want.

I was brought up on "number two," get me?

What the hell am I talking about this for, anyway?

With all I got on my mind! Good-bye!

[SHOUTING] Hey, Edith! I got canned today!

EDITH: What?

I was fired! Fired, fired, fired!

Archie...

Did you say you got fired?

Yeah, four times.

Oh, Archie, what happened?

Ah, the company lost a government contract,

so this mornin' they let a whole slew of us go.

Well, is it just a layoff?

Well, they call it a layoff,

I call it the old heave-ho.

Should've seen them guys, Edith.

Remember "Big Moose" Norbank?

Cried big moose tears.

I ain't seen him cry since the mafia took the Dodgers outta Brooklyn.

Ohh, I wish I hadn't planned this celebration dinner for Mike tonight.

Yeah, well-- well, listen, Edith.

Couldn't ya kinda-- what do you call-- postpone it, huh?

Because after what I been through today--

I mean, I can't stand watchin' the meathead

swoop down on that table like a plague of cockroaches.

Just let him and her walk over to Steinway Street

and stuff their faces with chinks.

Oh, yeah, sure,

we'll just postpone it.

Yeah, that's good.

I'll tell Gloria you was fired and--

No, no, no... she'll understand.

No, no, don't tell her that!

I don't want nobody to know.

Yeah, but if we call it off,

they'll know something's wrong.

[STAMMERS] Yeah, all right, then don't call it off,

but will ya keep mum about it, huh? Oh, yeah.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Ah, there they are.

Archie, are you sure you wanna go though with this?

Well, what the hell are we gonna do about it now?

Just get the hangin' dog expression of your face there, Edith, huh?

Let's see one of your best sunshine-lady smiles.

And don't say nothin'.

Oh.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

[BUZZES] Oh...

I love you, Archie.

I love you, too. Get the door.

Oh, hi, Gloria. Hi!

Are you ready for this? Here he is...

Here's the man of the hour, the toast of the town...

Heeere's Michael! ♪ Da da da da ♪

Thank you, thank you very much.

Thank you very much. You're beautiful.

Nice to see you.

Yeah, hi there, Meathead.

Wait a second, wait a second.

Stop--stop the music. [SNIFFS]

What is that I smell? I don't--I don't believe it--

Ma, is that kapusta viaprovina?

Oh, yeah, that's right.

Ma, that's my favorite food!

Oh, ho, his favorite.

His favorite is anything

that won't hop off of the plate.

That hurt me!

Oh, don't do that.

Daddy, lay off Michael.

He sold an article.

You should be complimenting him.

I complimented him yesterday.

What the hell more do you want?

You call that a compliment, Arch?

"Who cares?"

I didn't say that.

I said, "Swell. Who cares?"

That hurt me!

Well, it's almost ready.

Daddy, how can you say "who cares"?

Don't you know what all of this means?

Michael is a teacher,

and for teachers, it's either publish or perish.

Well, now he's published something,

so that means he's well on his way

to a lifetime of security. Oh, a lifetime of security.

I wish they'd give that to people who really work for a living.

Do you see what she's doin' to me over here?

Gloria, don't hit your father. Not today.

Go on, sit down over there.

It's wonderful, Mike. Ain't it wonderful?

She's been doin' that to me since she was three.

It's wonderful.

Yeah, I'm all choked up.

You should be.

Thppbbt!

Ah, thppbbt!

Michael, I got another surprise for you. Oh, yeah?

You're not the only writer in the family.

I wrote you a song to honor you

on this special occasion.

Ma, here's a verse for you.

Daddy, I wrote a verse for you. Aw...

Ma, will you play?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Michael, go stand over by the piano.

We're all gonna sing.

What the hell are we here?

The Norman travernackle choir?

Can't we just shake hands and eat?

Get away from me!

Come on, Ma, play.

All right, here we go.

[PLAYING PIANO]

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

♪ For Michael and his clever pen ♪

♪ He can write till he's 110 ♪

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

I'm so embarrassed.

Go ahead, Ma, keep goin'.

♪ Michael's a fine son-in-law ♪

♪ He's married to my Gloria ♪

Oh, ha!

Ain't that funny, Archie?

It's a riot, Edith. It's a riot, all right.

♪ I am proud to be his-- my son's grandma ♪

♪ Happy days are here again ♪

Your verse, Daddy!

Oh, I ain't gonna sing.

Now, come on, let's get this over with.

Oh, come on, Daddy. Sing the song.

I don't wanna sing. It's a wacky song.

But, Daddy, I wrote this song so we could show Michael

how much we love and respect him.

Gloria, don't make him sing. It's all right.

It doesn't matter. Yes, it does matter.

Ma, I can't stand this.

Daddy, I think you're just jealous,

because Michael's had a little bit of success--

Gloria, you don't have to defend me.

It's really rotten that on this happy occasion

you can't even sing a little song.

You're only happy when you can bully Michael and call him stupid!

Gloria, you don't understand.

No, he's the one who doesn't understand, Mom.

Michael's finally doing something with himself,

and he's jealous. Daddy, you're jealous!

You're jealous! Gloria! Stifle!

Your father lost his job today.

Oh, there goes the old ball game!

Why did you have to say anything, huh?

All right, as long as youse're all standin' here

with your mouths hangin' open, let's eat.

Ah.

[SIGHS]

Daddy, I'm so sorry.

Please forgive me. I didn't know.

Can I take a sock at you now?

I didn't mean to hurt you.

Oh, I know you didn't mean it.

I'm sorry, Arch.

Listen, if there's anything I can do to help in any way--

No, no, no... Oh, that's nice, Mike.

See, Archie?

[CRYING] We got each other,

and everything's gonna be all right.

Oh, jeez, Edith, don't go breakin' up on me there, will ya?

Certainly everything's gonna be all right.

I just gotta go out and get another job, that's all.

Listen, I'm a guy who always has his nose to the brimstone,

you know?

It just--it--it-- it's always darkest behind the storm,

you know that.

And in every crowd,

there's always another horse of a silver lining.

And when the goin' gets tough, they say,

that's when the tough get goin'.

And that's me. Tough, right?

[ALL] Yeah, yeah...

Yeah, right, all right.

So, what's the problem?

So, what are you gonna do, Daddy?

Well, that's the problem.

Mira, este es su claims book, eh?

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

Number 24.

24.

Oh, damn.

Heya, buddy, I busted my pencil

preparin' over the form here.

No hablo ingles.

Well, uh, what I need is a... pencilito.

Uh, I gotta fillo up the formo here.

No comprendo.

Forgeto.

I got a pencil. Here.

Oh, thanks very much, there, lady.

Thank you.

[CLEARS THROAT] Stand next to me,

so I know I'll get my pencil back.

[SIGHS] Ah, let's see...

Social security number...

129-14-6989.

Last name...Bunker.

Archibald.

This is your first time here, ain't it?

Yeah, how'd you know?

'Cause when you'll get to be a regular like us,

you'll have all that memorized.

Well, I ain't gonna be a regular, lady.

'Cause, uh-- I'm a foreman, you know?

And there's plenty of jobs around

for a guy with my know-how.

They ain't gonna give you no job. You too old.

They're gonna give it to somebody younger.

You should've broke your leg. Disability pays more.

Thanks a lot. So does death benefits.

That's right.

Between disability and death benefits,

a man like you could live like a king.

Pfft! CLERK: 25.

Uh, 25 over here. 25 is me.

Archibald.

Huh?

Gimme my pencil.

Now, what's the matter with my face?

Do I look dishonest?

You all look the same to me.

25.

Please be-- sit down, please.

Yeah, yeah. Thank you very much, yeah.

[CLEARS THROAT]

You-you're Archibald Bunker?

Like it says there.

And, uh-- and you're 40 years old?

[LAUGHS]

Like it says there.

Well--well, Mr. Bunker, I'm 39.

So? In another year, you'll look like this here.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, I hope not.

So, you, uh-- you last worked on a loading dock, hmm?

Well, I'm a foreman, I don't work.

Oh. [LAUGHS]

A foreman!

I had five men under me.

Three of them white guys.

Do you have any other work or part-time jobs?

Oh, well, I go hackin' a couple of nights a week

for a guy who owns a private cab.

Mm-hmm, and how much do you make?

Oh, not much.

Munson, the owner, he takes a third.

Then there's another third that's split

between the government and the muggers.

[LAUGHS]

And then I get my fifth.

Fifth, huh? Which is how much?

Well, if I'm lucky, $20-30 a night.

All right, that's $60 a week.

You know that this will be subtracted

from your unemployment check.

Well, how much is the check?

Maximum is $95 a week.

What the hell's the use of my hackin'?

I might as well quit that.

Oh, no, no, Mr. Bunker, if you quit,

you might not be eligible for unemployment benefits.

Oh, jeez.

No matter which way you turn,

you get it right between where the sun don't shine.

[LAUGHS]

Jeez, I'm goin' over big here.

Hey, uh, you know, I been accumuratin'

this here insurance about 30 years.

Unemployment, see?

Now, I'm unemployed, so, uh, pay me somethin'.

Or better still, get me a job.

'Cause I'll take any job that I would consider

"comenstrual" with my skills.

Well, Mr. Bunker, there is an unemployment problem in this country.

Oh, look who's telling me about the unemployment--

I see the unemployment on the streets,

and I know who they are.

You got your winos who can't get up off of the ground.

You got your hopheads who can't get back down on the ground.

You got your hookers put out of work

by the regular girls giving it away for nothing.

You got your ex-politicians who was finked on by the hookers.

And then you got your usual, general,

run-a-day dreamers, dummies and slobs.

I ain't one of them.

All my life, I go to work every morning, see?

So, where do I go to work tomorrow morning?

Well, Mr. Bunker, we-- we don't have any place for you to go tomorrow morning.

But just follow the instructions carefully,

and report back here one week from today,

at 9:20 A.M. to line "E."

Number 26.

Well, is that where I pick up my check?

Oh, no, you won't get your first check for about four weeks.

Meanwhile, we have to inform your employer

that you have filed a claim.

Well, wait a-- what do you mean?

E-excuse me, missus, just another minute here with this guy.

Did you hear what he's just saying to me here?

He's gonna spend public money, our tax dollars,

to notify the guy that fired me that I'm outta work.

Mr. Bunker, I don't write the rules here.

Oh, the rules are written by the bureaucraps.

We know that.

That's this whole gang downtown!

And they better not come uptown!

Hey, lemme tell you something!

The only reason you're working

is 'cause we ain't!

But we're citizens, too!

We vote in every election, don't we?

Since I come up North.

We pay taxes, don't we?

Once in a while, you know.

When it comes to patriotism, buddy, at the ballpark,

when Old Glory runs up the pole,

I'm the first guy on his feet with his hand over his heart,

and I'm one of the few guys that knows every word of

The Star-Spangled Banner! You?!

Star-Spangled Banner? ♪ Oh say can you see ♪

♪ By the dawn's every night ♪

♪ What so loudly we-- ♪

Mr. Bunker, I know what you're going through!

Sure you know, 'cause you're putting me through it!

I can't help it, I'm just following the system.

Well, I follow the system, too!

But answer me this-- if the system can make a job for you,

how come the system can't make a job for us?

I have tried to explain that in--

Oh, forget it, buddy! Forget it, forget it.

You're right, missus, I should've busted my leg!

Let me outta here! Jeez!

Hey, wake up from your fiestas, all of youse,

run out and bust a leg!

Jeez.

"Dishwashers are needed."

Sure they are. Who the hell wants that job?

Oh, Archie, are you still readin' the want ads?

Edith, get a load of this one over here.

Here it is.

"Attention ex-servicemen.

"Earn up to $25,000 a year, no experience necessary.

All expenses paid to Uganda."

You ain't gonna take it, are you?

No, what do you think I'm gonna do?

Drag the whole family down to Mexico?

You want me to get you some warm milk?

Or hold you in my arms and tell you a story?

Oh, that'd be lovely, Edith,

and after that, you can diaper me.

What is this, what is this, huh? Aw...

I ain't your little grandson Joey here.

You don't have to be afraid of needing comfort and love.

Everybody needs them.

And that don't make you a baby.

It makes you more of a man.

Thank you, Dear Abby.

You're welcome, Dear Archie.

All right, Edith. All right.

Edith, Edith, Edith.

You know, it's been a long, kinda nervous day.

You know what I mean?

So what do you say we just, uh--I'll put the paper down,

and then you just go over there--way over there.

We'll just go sleepy-bye, huh?

But remember, whatever happens, I love you.

I love you, Edith.

Truly!

Thank you, thank you.

♪ I love you truly ♪

♪ Truly, dear ♪

♪ Life with its sorrows ♪

♪ Life with its tear ♪

♪ Fades like a dream ♪

♪ When I know you are near ♪

♪ For I love you truly ♪

♪ Truly ♪

Hey! [SHUSHES]

Edith, come on, darling, listen,

I know you're singing,

and you know you're singing,

but the neighbors are liable to think I'm torturing you.

Oh, you could never do that, Arch.

Yeah, I know that, Edith.

Uh...

Uh, Edith, uh...

To tell you the truth, Edith,

I ain't myself, you know.

Well, what I mean is--

Let's not start something that I can't finish.

Okay, Edith?

Okay?

♪

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0