Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Here we are!

Everybody sing, sunshiners!

♪ Sunshine clubbers sing their song ♪

[ALL SINGING]

[ASYNCHRONOUS SINGING]

♪ Sunshine clubbers sing along ♪

♪ All the sunshine day ♪

♪ Everybody sing ♪

♪ All the sunshine day ♪

Oh, my goodness!

Mrs. Bradley, you ain't plugged in!

Ohh!

There!

♪ And chase all the clouds away ♪

[APPLAUSE]

Mrs. Bunker, you're more fun than bingo!

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Freedman.

Oh! I got a note for you.

I found it on your bed.

I think it's from Mr. Kleeger.

You're the luckiest girl in the home!

You've got Sol Kleeger!

Everybody's got Sol Kleeger.

The nurse is afraid to turn her back on him.

Oh, here comes Romeo now!

[GRUNTING AND STRAINING]

Sylvia!

Sol!

EDITH: Ohh!

[INDISTINCT COMPLAINING]

Have you got a poem for me?

Have I got a poem for you? Heh heh!

Although my arthritis keeps right on hurtin',

you make me feel like Richard Burton!

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, Mrs. Bradley, be careful!

Don't get excited!

Remember, you're supposed to relax!

When do you relax, Mrs. Bunker?

You've been working around the clock.

Don't you ever have to go home?

Well, sometimes it's best to keep busy.

Anyway, I'm happy here with you!

Cramp! Cramp!

Cramp! I got a cramp in my foot!

Ohh! Ohhh!

Here. Well, walk it off.

Just lean on me.

Oh, damn, damn, damn.

You know, a cramp like that could slow me down.

We'll walk down the hall.

Here we go.

Oh, there you are, Ma.

Oh, hi, Gloria.

Hi, Ma.

- Hi, Mrs. Freedman. - Hello.

Ma, can we have a talk?

Mr. Kleeger's got a cramp in his foot.

- I gotta walk him down the hall. - Oh, Mrs. Bunker...

you talk to you daughter.

- I'll take Mr. Kleeger to his room. - Oh, but...

I can do it.

I said I'll take him.

Hello. [CHUCKLING]

Hey, that's your daughter?

Yes.

Is she married?

Come on.

[YELP]

You come right back, Mrs. Freedman.

Don't you let him get you in his room alone.

I can't talk to you now, Gloria.

I'm very busy.

- Ma. - Shh.

Ma, it's been four days now.

I can't keep telling the neighbors you're still shopping.

Well, tell them the truth, tell them the truth.

Tell them that I'm working at the Sunshine Home and that I'm needed.

Well, what about Daddy?

He don't need me.

Oh, Ma, you're just burying yourself in work

instead of facing your problem.

It ain't my problem. It's Archie's problem.

One silly date with a waitress.

I don't think it was silly, Gloria.

But, Ma, he said he didn't do anything.

Even if he didn't do what he said he didn't,

he was thinking about doing what he said he wouldn't

no matter if he said he didn't or he said he did.

Do you think that was the right thing to do?

- I can't answer that. - Why not?

Because I don't know what you just said.

I said even if he didn't do what he said

- he didn't-- - Ma.

You can't spend the rest of your life

in the Sunshine Home.

If I had to, I could.

You know, Gloria, you can do what you have to do.

And it ain't so bad-- I feel young around here.

Oh, Mom.

No, I'm sorry, Gloria,

I gotta take a tuck in Mr. Kleeger's pants

so he won't have no excuse

for letting them fall down in front of people.

Ma!

- Ma! - Shh.

Ma...

Try, try to understand Daddy.

I mean, he's at the age where his eyes start to wander,

and he just follows them.

I mean, he's 51.

52.

52, and you're a mature woman of 50.

Not until next month.

I didn't mean to rush you.

Ma, why don't you come over

and have dinner with us tonight--see Joey?

Oh, no, Gloria, you'll get Archie there, too.

You mean, you're never coming over to see Joey again,

just because Daddy might be there?

Maybe.

Well, Ma, that's not fair to punish Joey that way.

He didn't have a date with a waitress.

It's no use, Gloria.

You ain't gonna change my mind.

Goodbye, Gloria.

Thanks for trying to help.

Ma?

I'll keep Joey up for you.

[BELLS DINGING]

ARCHIE: Okay there, little rocket.

Right there through the stratosphere.

Right there!

Hey, we're going out to Mars now, Foley.

5,000 for Mars. Hit it again there.

5,000 more.

Okay, we're at the Venus now. 50,000 for Venus.

There we go-- once, twice, bang-bing, three times there, Foley.

Okay, here we go.

We-we're going up now, high to the Milky Way.

Into the Milky Way for 50,000.

50,000 in there.

We're headed for the Big Dipper here.

It's 100,000, Foley.

On the Dipper, we made it, all to get a 500,000!

That's a half a million-- you owe me a nickel, Foley.

A ha ha.

Here you go, Hustler.

Okay, you wanna go again there, sport?

I pass.

How about you, Harry?

Archie, why don't you go home?

You've been living for four days

off potato chips, pretzels, and beer.

Don't be giving me the nurse murse stuff.

I'm doing fine, you know.

I got what Abe Lincoln gave to the colored people--

freedom.

You wasn't freed. You was dumped.

Ah, come on.

Come on, Arch, you've been married a long time.

Don't you miss the old lady, even a little bit?

Yeah, well, you know, to be honest--

well, certainly, certainly--no.

Like coming home and not hearing her say, "Is that you, Archie?"

when she knows damn well it's me.

And then it ain't the same being down here

knowing there ain't nobody at home

getting mad at me for being here.

What's with the puss on you?

Come on, will ya, laugh it up.

You're a bartender. You ain't a "mortrician," here.

Come on, give me another beer.

Give Foley a beer, too.

Coming up. That's the old Archie.

Yeah. Here's for mine.

That's the old Archie.

[CHUCKLING]

- Hiya, Arch. - Hi, Professor.

Aw, geez.

I thought when me and Edith busted up

that I got the house and she got you.

Arch, can't you just give me a simple hello before you insult me?

Sure. Hello. Get lost.

Arch, your fight is with Ma, not with me.

Come on, don't think I don't know why you're over here.

You go back to your mother-in-law

and tell her that I ain't crawling home to her

with my tail between her legs.

Arch, Ma doesn't even know I'm here.

Aw, come on, will ya?

Why don't you make up with her?

You can't go on like this.

What do you mean, "like this"?

This is fine--I'm happy, buddy, I'm happy.

Hey, I got the whole house to myself there.

I can walk around there, smoke a cigar,

dressed in nothing but my socks.

Scratch myself wherever I please.

That's your idea of paradise?

Walking around with your wrinkled butt exposed?

What are you talking about?

I got very fine skin.

Look, Arch, we're not gonna iron anything out here.

Why don't--hey.

- Why don't you come to dinner tonight, huh? - No, no.

- Why not? - 'Cause Edith

is always hanging around there.

So is your grandson, Arch.

Oh, well...

Huh?

He's getting cuter every day.

Aw, look at him, little Joey...

with his little teddy bear.

He's got the ears chewed off of that one.

When you come tonight, you can bring him a new one.

All right, all right, maybe for Christmas, Christmas.

Arch, he misses you.

Cut it out, huh?

What about tonight?

Can I keep this here?

Yeah, sure, you can keep it.

What about tonight? Yes or no.

No.

- You sure? - No.

You're not sure?

I am, yes, sure, no.

Well, all right look.

If you change your mind...

door's open, dinner's at 7:00, okay?

Now, see you later?

Good night, huh.

- No, no, Ma, I'm not finished. - Oh, I'm sorry.

You don't have to clear. You're our guest.

Oh, I've been clearing all my life.

I ain't gonna stop now.

I'll be right back, Joey.

Ooh! Ha ha ha!

Well, I guess Daddy's not coming.

I tried. I couldn't kidnap him.

[SIGHS]

[KNOCKING]

Hiya, there, Joe.

How are you?

How ya doing there, little guy?

Hey, wait 'til you see

what your Grandpa brought you here.

Take a look at this here.

This...

is a panda.

That's a little chinky bear.

Now, you can bite that little bear if you want, see?

But never bite a real bear, or he'll bite you back, see?

So will a real chinky.

Look at this.

Ain't much coming in there yet, huh?

Well, the next time I come,

I'll bring you another present.

A bottle of Lucky tonic, huh?

Okay? Yeah.

Daddy, you came.

Hey, Arch, I'm glad you're here.

Ma, Daddy's here.

Oh, is she here? I'm getting out of here.

- Oh, no, you don't. - EDITH: Who?

Daddy's here.

I can't hear you.

- [ARCHIE GROANING] - Mike, hold him.

- I'll go get her. - Geez, I knew it.

What kind of a double-crosser are you?

I come here to see Joey, not her!

I didn't come here to see him neither.

Why don't you talk things out with Ma?

Don't you go mangling into personal dramas.

What're you doing here anyway?

I live here.

That's no excuse at all.

- Yes, yes. - I don't want to.

- Oh, if he stays here, I'm leaving. - Oh, geez.

- I'm leaving. - Ma, Daddy.

Talk, fight, do anything,

but don't run away-- now, talk.

I don't wanna talk to him.

Well, then, tell him you don't

- wanna talk to him. - You tell him.

- Ma. - Go ahead.

Tell him I don't wanna talk to him.

[SIGH] Daddy, she doesn't wanna talk to you.

Oh, look at this--

I can do the same thing here.

All right, Meathead, I don't wanna talk to her either.

Tell her my ear bones have been dingbatted well enough for 27 years,

will ya?

He doesn't wanna talk to you either.

His ear bones have been dingbatted enough for 27 years, will ya?

Well, tell him my ears are tired of hearing lies.

- Her ears-- - First, he tells me

he's goes bowling,

- First, you-- - then he tells me a story about

playing poker,

then he tells me a story about

helping some woman with groceries,

and nothing happened.

How am I supposed to know when he's telling the truth?

Go ahead, tell him that.

Would you run that by me again?

Well, sure.

First, he tells me a story

- about going bowling. - There she goes again.

[MUTTERING]

Tell her all right, will ya?

All right, will ya? All right.

- Tell her I wanted to be with her. - He wanted

- She didn't wanna be with me. - You didn't

- I wanted to have fun with her. - He wanted to have fun

- She didn't want no fun with me. - You didn't want

- You know what her idea of fun is there? - You know what your idea

Her idea of fun is fool around with old man Kleeger.

Your idea--who's Kleeger?

Kleeger is an old crock with Sears Roebuck teeth.

You left Archie for that?

Yes, yes, yes.

Tell him if he can't be without his wife for one hour--

If you can't be without your wife for one hour--

after 27 years of marriage.

after 27 years of marriage.

so she can go help some old--

old man with Sears Roebuck teeth--

so you can go help some old man with Sears Roebuck teeth.

Ah, cut it out, will ya?

Tell her, "Pbbt!"

I will not.

All right, then you tell her that. You do that pretty good.

I won't go "pbbt" to my mother.

Why the hell not?

You go "pbbt" to your father every chance you get.

I only go "pbbt" to you when you go "pbbt" to me.

Well, "pbbt" to the whole damn bunch of yous!

Pbbt.

And I'm glad to see that little Joey agrees with me!

Although I hope Joey hears every word I said.

No, I'm gonna take him upstairs.

I don't want all this "pbbt" to be passed on to him.

Ma, I'll take Joey upstairs.

Come on, sweetheart. Michael, come with me.

Don't worry, Joey.

We'll teach you better vocabulary.

But how do you like that? His first word was "pbbt."

Wha-What are you gonna do?

Sleep over the poor house again?

Well, sure, why not?

At this hour of night, traveling on the subway

with the swell, after-dark set

unzipping themselves up and down the train?

Oh.

Well, I guess I'll have to sleep at our house.

Oh, all right, now you're coming to your senses.

In the kids' old room.

[IMITATING EDITH] In the kids' old room.

- [DOOR SLAMS] - Oh, my.

Matter, you couldn't sleep up there by yourself?

No, I just come out for a breath of fresh air.

Ah, well, that's always nice just before you turn in,

a little breath of fresh air.

[ENGINE REVVING]

So much for the fresh air.

Oh, yeah, I was noticing that myself.

Guess maybe we ought to paint the old porch one of these days.

Yeah.

So, what color would you think?

Oh, light grey would be nice.

Yeah, light grey is always nice.

Or maybe green.

Green, yeah.

- Or blue. - Blue's good.

Maybe a little of each.

You always had good taste, Edith.

Thank you.

So, how you been feeling personally since you left me?

Pretty good, considering.

What do you mean "considering"?

You ain't been having any more of them hot flushes, now?

Oh, no.

Well, I don't know when the mental pause is supposed to be over.

How you been feeling?

Ah, I can't complain, can't complain.

Remember that pain in the shoulder I always got,

you know, every time I throw my head back?

Yeah, has that been bothering you?

No, no, I cured it.

What did you take?

Oh, nothing, I just don't throw my head back no more.

Oh.

I'm glad.

As long as you're here Edith, I--

Was she pretty?

Oh, now, why do you wanna get back into that, Edith?

Geez, I told you a thousand times

it didn't mean a thing to me.

Meant something to me.

Well, what're you gonna do?

You gonna--you gonna hold one little "pick of diddle"

over my head for the whole rest of my life?

No.

'Cause if I did,

it'd be the rest of my life, too.

Aw.

Come here.

[SNIFF]

You know who I love?

Who?

Well, who do you think, Laverne and Shirley?

Oh.

I miss you.

Oh, Archie.

Yeah, you miss me, too, huh?

Not as much as I thought.

Oh, I missed you

when I was thinking about you,

but when I was busy,

I was thinking about a lot of other things.

That's something I found out.

There's lots of other things to think about beside you.

Yeah, like what?

You see, I used to think

that you was the only thing I could count on,

but that ain't true.

There's something else that I can count on.

Well, I asked you what.

Me!

See, that's what I mean.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I know what you mean.

But, uh, does that say that we can't, uh,

kind of, do a reverse and get back to before?

What do you mean "before"?

We-well, I mean, do you...

Do you, uh...

Do you, Edith Baines

take a poor sinner, Archie Bunker

to be your lawfully-bedded husband...

until you can't take him no more?

I, Edith Baines,

- take you, - [ENGINE REVVING]

- Archie Bunker-- - Hold it, hold it.

[ENGINE REVVING]

The dago on the yarmulke again.

Let's say it over.

I, Edith Baines take you, Archie Bunker

to be my lawfully-wedded husband

until I can't take you no more.

May I now kiss the bride?

Oh, Edith.

Wow, what a relief.

And are--are you sure

that you're gonna love me just as much?

♪ How much do I love you? ♪

♪ I'll tell you ♪

- ♪ No lies ♪ - Edith.

We're out on the porch here, Edith.

♪ How deep is ♪

- ♪ The ocean? ♪ - The neighbors, Edith, you know.

♪ How high is the sky? ♪

Where the hell is that dago now that I need him?

- ♪ How many times ♪ - NEIGHBOR: Shut up out there, will ya?

- ♪ Do I ♪ - Ah, shut up, you sh--

- ♪ Think of you ♪ - All you think of yelling, shut up, you.

- ♪ How many roses ♪ - [YELLING CONTINUES]

- ♪ Are sprinkled with dew ♪ - Archie.

- ♪ The hell with yous all ♪ - [EDITH INAUDIBLE]

- ♪ I'll sing when I want ♪ - Come on.

- ♪ I'll sing until morning ♪ - Shh.

[SINGING INDISTINCT]

[MUTTERING]

[♪]

ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0