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1
00:00:01,199 --> 00:00:04,402
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:04,404 --> 00:00:07,739
♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪
3
00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:10,775
♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪
4
00:00:10,777 --> 00:00:13,277
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:13,279 --> 00:00:16,714
♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪
6
00:00:16,716 --> 00:00:20,252
♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪
7
00:00:20,254 --> 00:00:25,357
♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:28,560
♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪
9
00:00:28,562 --> 00:00:31,296
♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪
10
00:00:31,298 --> 00:00:35,600
♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪
11
00:00:35,602 --> 00:00:40,272
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:45,077 --> 00:00:46,978
Hey, you wouldn't believe
13
00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:49,113
what them two dummies
was talkin' about over here.
14
00:00:49,115 --> 00:00:50,649
What?
15
00:00:50,651 --> 00:00:53,251
Well, they were sayin'
that because you and me kid around a lot,
16
00:00:53,253 --> 00:00:55,287
and you take good care of me
when I come in here,
17
00:00:55,289 --> 00:00:58,790
that you and me--
well, you know.
18
00:00:58,792 --> 00:00:59,791
What?
19
00:01:01,126 --> 00:01:02,660
Well, no--no,
I ain't got the time.
20
00:01:02,662 --> 00:01:03,695
Well, uh--
21
00:01:03,697 --> 00:01:07,265
In case you ever
have the time...
22
00:01:09,635 --> 00:01:11,403
Here's my number.
23
00:01:18,644 --> 00:01:20,445
- Excuse me.
- Oops.
24
00:01:27,153 --> 00:01:28,153
[DOORBELL RINGS]
25
00:01:28,155 --> 00:01:30,621
Who the hell is that?
26
00:01:30,623 --> 00:01:32,857
Uh--uh--who--
uh, who is it?
27
00:01:32,859 --> 00:01:34,259
MAN:
The beer from Kelsey's.
28
00:01:34,261 --> 00:01:37,061
- Oh!
- Kelsey's--my God.
29
00:01:37,063 --> 00:01:39,264
Oh, come on in.
I'll get you the money.
30
00:01:58,684 --> 00:02:01,652
Ah, good evenin',
Mr. Bunker.
31
00:02:05,558 --> 00:02:08,193
Uh, good evenin'.
Nice evenin', huh?
32
00:02:08,195 --> 00:02:12,030
Yeah, but it looks like
it's nicer for you than for me.
33
00:02:12,032 --> 00:02:13,965
Whaddya mean by that?
34
00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:16,901
Well, I'm workin'.
I don't know what you're doing.
35
00:02:20,639 --> 00:02:22,807
Listen, kid, come here.
36
00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:25,476
I wanna talk to ya.
What's your name again?
37
00:02:25,478 --> 00:02:27,412
My name is Carlos.
38
00:02:28,581 --> 00:02:31,516
I don't want to read
about this here event
39
00:02:31,518 --> 00:02:34,352
on the walls of
Kelsey's toilet.
40
00:02:36,889 --> 00:02:40,458
Not even in Spanish, capice?
41
00:02:40,460 --> 00:02:44,362
Sure, sure,
I understand, Mr. Bunker.
42
00:02:44,364 --> 00:02:47,532
Big deal. Who cares?
I don't care.
43
00:02:47,534 --> 00:02:52,236
Nobody cares no more--
why should you?
44
00:02:52,238 --> 00:02:54,806
Listen,
have yourself a ball!
45
00:02:54,808 --> 00:02:57,074
Know what I mean?
46
00:03:04,049 --> 00:03:05,783
Here's the--
47
00:03:05,785 --> 00:03:08,119
Oh, where'd he go?
He didn't wait.
48
00:03:08,121 --> 00:03:09,254
Uh--well, uh--
49
00:03:09,256 --> 00:03:11,456
he took off 'cause
I paid him, uh--Denise.
50
00:03:11,458 --> 00:03:13,124
- Oh, well, I--
- Uh, listen, listen--
51
00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:15,627
I hope you ain't
gonna mind...this,
52
00:03:15,629 --> 00:03:18,429
but, uh...
53
00:03:18,431 --> 00:03:20,765
I think
I'd better go home.
54
00:03:22,668 --> 00:03:25,270
Well,
I'm sorry, Archie.
55
00:03:25,272 --> 00:03:26,371
No, no, no,
don't be sorry.
56
00:03:26,373 --> 00:03:28,005
You ain't got nothin'
to be sorry about.
57
00:03:28,007 --> 00:03:30,007
You didn't drag me
over here.
58
00:03:30,009 --> 00:03:34,646
I got this certain surge
to come over, you know?
59
00:03:34,648 --> 00:03:37,848
And now I got a surge
to get outta here, so...
60
00:03:37,850 --> 00:03:41,386
I'm sorry
you gotta leave, Ar-Ar-Archie.
61
00:03:42,888 --> 00:03:45,490
Did I do something
wrong?
62
00:03:45,492 --> 00:03:47,325
No, no.
No, you didn't do nothing wrong.
63
00:03:47,327 --> 00:03:49,527
Maybe me, but not you.
64
00:03:49,529 --> 00:03:51,196
So, uh...
65
00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:54,632
Well, I'll, um...
I'll see you tomorrow?
66
00:03:56,735 --> 00:03:59,604
Well, I'll tell ya,
I don't think that you and me
67
00:03:59,606 --> 00:04:02,207
oughta see each other no more.
68
00:04:02,209 --> 00:04:05,410
Not even at
the coffee shop?
69
00:04:06,945 --> 00:04:08,579
I think that from now on
70
00:04:08,581 --> 00:04:11,616
we oughta be
like that old saying...
71
00:04:11,618 --> 00:04:15,086
two sheeps that
passed in the night.
72
00:04:27,933 --> 00:04:30,601
To show you just how
good a ventriloquist I really am,
73
00:04:30,603 --> 00:04:32,437
I'm gonna drink that
glass of water
74
00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:35,005
while she sings a song.
75
00:04:35,007 --> 00:04:36,708
Ready?
Go!
76
00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:39,944
♪ I had a halfback
at California ♪
77
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:42,947
♪ I had a quarterback
at Yale as well ♪
78
00:04:42,949 --> 00:04:44,382
[GURGLES]
79
00:04:45,617 --> 00:04:48,720
♪ I corresponded
with an end and center ♪
80
00:04:48,722 --> 00:04:51,456
♪ And the center
at Cornell ♪
81
00:04:52,525 --> 00:04:55,393
- Pfft!
- Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
82
00:04:55,395 --> 00:04:57,695
- That's all right.
That's okay. - I'm sorry, sweetheart.
83
00:04:57,697 --> 00:04:59,564
- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Oh, somebody's at the door.
84
00:04:59,566 --> 00:05:01,332
Come on in!
It's open!
85
00:05:01,334 --> 00:05:03,968
[IMITATES MAE WEST]
Oh, why don't you come in and see me sometime?
86
00:05:03,970 --> 00:05:05,570
What did you say?
87
00:05:05,572 --> 00:05:07,905
Hi, there, big mama.
Do you believe in the hereafter?
88
00:05:07,907 --> 00:05:09,207
Oh, yeah.
89
00:05:09,209 --> 00:05:10,441
Then what are ya
here after?
90
00:05:10,443 --> 00:05:12,076
Oh!
[GIGGLES]
91
00:05:12,078 --> 00:05:13,778
Oh, my.
92
00:05:13,780 --> 00:05:16,614
You look just like
Betty Grable.
93
00:05:21,620 --> 00:05:23,388
What are you doin'?
94
00:05:23,390 --> 00:05:25,322
I was doin' Mae West.
95
00:05:25,324 --> 00:05:26,423
Oh.
96
00:05:26,425 --> 00:05:29,727
Then why
are you dressed like Betty Grable?
97
00:05:29,729 --> 00:05:33,064
Ma, we're
rehearsing for the faculty frolics.
98
00:05:33,066 --> 00:05:34,165
I'm the
ventriloquist--
99
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:35,466
Yeah, and I'm
the dummy.
100
00:05:35,468 --> 00:05:37,001
Which reminds me--
where's Archie?
101
00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:37,935
Oh.
102
00:05:39,772 --> 00:05:42,474
I'd hoped you knew.
He ain't home.
103
00:05:42,476 --> 00:05:44,476
I don't know where he is.
104
00:05:44,478 --> 00:05:45,576
Well, I know
where he isn't.
105
00:05:45,578 --> 00:05:47,344
He's not at
the philharmonic,
106
00:05:47,346 --> 00:05:50,381
the opera, or a
B'nai B'rith meeting.
107
00:05:50,383 --> 00:05:52,116
Ma, he's probably
at Kelsey's.
108
00:05:52,118 --> 00:05:54,085
Oh, yeah.
Well, don't let me interrupt you.
109
00:05:54,087 --> 00:05:56,320
You go right on
bein' Betty Grable.
110
00:05:56,322 --> 00:05:58,790
- Mae West, Mae West.
- Oh, Mae West.
111
00:05:58,792 --> 00:05:59,991
Oh, can I watch?
112
00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:01,358
I could
be the audience.
113
00:06:01,360 --> 00:06:03,227
Oh, sure, Ma.
Go on, sit down over there.
114
00:06:03,229 --> 00:06:05,196
Oh, thank you.
[GIGGLES]
115
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:07,799
I love a good show.
116
00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:08,933
Okay.
Are you ready?
117
00:06:08,935 --> 00:06:09,934
Mm-hmm.
118
00:06:09,936 --> 00:06:11,769
I had a date
the other night
119
00:06:11,771 --> 00:06:13,037
with a
gorgeous redhead.
120
00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:14,738
Oh!
What did you do?
121
00:06:14,740 --> 00:06:16,674
Well, I wined her,
and I dined her,
122
00:06:16,676 --> 00:06:18,542
and then she
invited me up to her apartment.
123
00:06:18,544 --> 00:06:19,543
Did you go?
124
00:06:19,545 --> 00:06:21,312
Absolutely not.
125
00:06:21,314 --> 00:06:22,880
And you call me
the dummy.
126
00:06:29,321 --> 00:06:31,789
Ma, that--that was it.
That was the joke.
127
00:06:31,791 --> 00:06:33,925
Oh, ha ha ha ha ha!
128
00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:36,760
Oh, that's good.
It's very good.
129
00:06:36,762 --> 00:06:38,897
No, it's the pits.
It's the pits.
130
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:42,634
Oh, no, Gloria,
you can do anything.
131
00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:44,936
You remember when
you was a little girl,
132
00:06:44,938 --> 00:06:48,606
we thought you was
the next Shirley Temple.
133
00:06:48,608 --> 00:06:50,608
You could sing
and dance.
134
00:06:50,610 --> 00:06:54,345
Why, I remember when
you was three years old,
135
00:06:54,347 --> 00:06:57,615
we put your hair in curls
like Shirley,
136
00:06:57,617 --> 00:06:59,651
and I took you
to a party,
137
00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:03,821
and you got up and sang
"On The Good Ship Lollipop."
138
00:07:03,823 --> 00:07:07,725
Oh, you were so adorable...
139
00:07:07,727 --> 00:07:10,128
until you got
a little seasick,
140
00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:13,364
and you threw up
all over your father.
141
00:07:15,734 --> 00:07:17,401
Would you mind
if I went up
142
00:07:17,403 --> 00:07:19,370
and took a little look
at Joey?
143
00:07:19,372 --> 00:07:21,272
- Oh, no, not at all, Ma.
- Oh, no, Ma, go.
144
00:07:21,274 --> 00:07:24,141
I wonder if Archie's
at Kelsey's.
145
00:07:24,143 --> 00:07:25,610
Why, are you
worried about him?
146
00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:28,045
Oh no, but when
I left the house,
147
00:07:28,047 --> 00:07:29,614
he was a little upset.
148
00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,983
I had to run over
to the Sunshine Home,
149
00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:33,852
and he didn't like that
very much.
150
00:07:33,854 --> 00:07:35,987
Oh, well, I'll call
Kelsey's and see if he's there.
151
00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:37,821
Oh, no, no,
don't do that.
152
00:07:37,823 --> 00:07:40,724
If you call,
he'll think I'm checkin' up on him.
153
00:07:40,726 --> 00:07:42,726
I'll call.
154
00:07:42,728 --> 00:07:45,162
Ma, what's the difference
who calls?
155
00:07:45,164 --> 00:07:47,398
You see, if Gloria calls,
156
00:07:47,400 --> 00:07:49,033
he'll know I'm nervous,
157
00:07:49,035 --> 00:07:50,768
'cause he'll know
I had her call
158
00:07:50,770 --> 00:07:52,269
so it won't look like
I'm nervous.
159
00:07:52,271 --> 00:07:55,106
But if I call,
he'll know I wanna find out where he is,
160
00:07:55,108 --> 00:07:56,774
and that's why I call.
161
00:08:01,813 --> 00:08:02,914
I'm gettin' worried.
162
00:08:02,916 --> 00:08:04,349
Why?
163
00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:06,617
Ma's startin'
to make sense to me.
164
00:08:08,454 --> 00:08:10,121
Oh, Mr. Kelsey?
165
00:08:10,123 --> 00:08:14,292
Oh, hello, Harry.
This is Edith Bunker.
166
00:08:14,294 --> 00:08:16,193
Oh, hi!
167
00:08:16,195 --> 00:08:17,895
No, he ain't here.
168
00:08:17,897 --> 00:08:19,963
Oh, that's all right.
Don't mention it.
169
00:08:19,965 --> 00:08:21,064
Good-bye.
170
00:08:22,133 --> 00:08:23,467
Who ain't here now?
Me?
171
00:08:23,469 --> 00:08:24,602
No.
172
00:08:24,604 --> 00:08:26,437
Archie's old lady,
checkin' up on him.
173
00:08:26,439 --> 00:08:29,273
Anyway, Harry, look--
I'll admit that Dempsey had a great punch,
174
00:08:29,275 --> 00:08:31,208
but this Muhammad Ali's
a great showman.
175
00:08:31,210 --> 00:08:33,544
I'd like to tell him
his poetry stinks.
176
00:08:33,546 --> 00:08:34,645
Yeah?
177
00:08:34,647 --> 00:08:36,381
And I'd like to be there
when you tell him.
178
00:08:37,449 --> 00:08:38,749
Oh, hey, Arch!
Lucky you came in.
179
00:08:38,751 --> 00:08:39,984
No--no--no time
for stories.
180
00:08:39,986 --> 00:08:41,052
Harry,
gimme some change.
181
00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:42,453
I gotta use the phone
right away.
182
00:08:42,455 --> 00:08:44,455
- Aw, use this one.
- Oh, jeez, thanks a lot, Harry.
183
00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:46,057
- Yeah, but Arch, Listen--
- No, No, no--
184
00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:47,892
Please don't--
Lemme make this call, will ya?
185
00:08:47,894 --> 00:08:49,327
This is a very
important call here.
186
00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:51,896
Please, you guys,
just dummy up there.
187
00:08:51,898 --> 00:08:53,631
- Yeah, but Arch--
- Till I get through, huh?
188
00:08:53,633 --> 00:08:55,166
Shh.
189
00:08:56,267 --> 00:08:58,502
[PHONE RINGS]
190
00:09:00,405 --> 00:09:02,506
[RINGS]
191
00:09:03,575 --> 00:09:04,842
Hello?
192
00:09:04,844 --> 00:09:07,111
Oh, hi there, Meathead.
Thank God it's you.
193
00:09:07,113 --> 00:09:09,213
Now, listen,
don't say nothin' to Gloria about this.
194
00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:12,049
Don't say nothin' to nobody.
And don't think nothin' about it yourself.
195
00:09:12,051 --> 00:09:13,451
I'll tell you all
about it later on.
196
00:09:13,453 --> 00:09:14,452
I want you to do
me a favor.
197
00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:17,021
Yeah, sure,
what's the matter?
198
00:09:17,023 --> 00:09:19,190
Now, step outside of the house
and cross the alley.
199
00:09:19,192 --> 00:09:22,426
Run around my house,
peak in the windows, and see if Edith is there.
200
00:09:22,428 --> 00:09:24,661
I don't have to do that,
Arch.
201
00:09:24,663 --> 00:09:26,664
What do you mean,
you don't have to do that?
202
00:09:26,666 --> 00:09:28,365
You wouldn't do a favor
for me?
203
00:09:28,367 --> 00:09:29,734
After all I done for you?
204
00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,969
Arch,
I don't have to do that because Ma's here.
205
00:09:31,971 --> 00:09:32,970
She's upstairs.
206
00:09:32,972 --> 00:09:34,371
You want me
to call her down?
207
00:09:34,373 --> 00:09:36,908
Oh, jeez!
No, no, no, no!
208
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:39,076
That's exactly what
I don't want you to do.
209
00:09:39,078 --> 00:09:40,844
Do not call her down.
210
00:09:42,247 --> 00:09:43,314
Um...
211
00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:46,917
Well, I--I don't think
I could do that.
212
00:09:46,919 --> 00:09:52,089
Uh, I mean, that's one
of the things that I could not do at this moment.
213
00:09:54,860 --> 00:09:57,228
What the hell are you
talkin' about?
214
00:09:58,897 --> 00:10:00,431
Hi, Ma!
215
00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:02,133
Oh, hi...
216
00:10:02,135 --> 00:10:06,337
Oh, I think I get it.
She's in the room with ya, huh?
217
00:10:06,339 --> 00:10:12,409
Hey, hey--listen.
Now, listen--uh-- uh, was she askin' for me?
218
00:10:12,411 --> 00:10:13,777
That's right.
219
00:10:13,779 --> 00:10:15,913
It was a nice day today.
220
00:10:15,915 --> 00:10:17,781
But why are you calling
at this hour
221
00:10:17,783 --> 00:10:19,183
to talk about my plumbing?
222
00:10:19,185 --> 00:10:21,085
Oh, I--I get it.
223
00:10:21,087 --> 00:10:23,620
I get it.
Okay, I get it. Very good.
224
00:10:23,622 --> 00:10:25,789
Now, don't spill
anything there, now.
225
00:10:25,791 --> 00:10:29,526
Now--now keep--
keep that shifty look outta your eyes--
226
00:10:29,528 --> 00:10:30,995
the way you get
when you're guilty
227
00:10:30,997 --> 00:10:32,863
about something there,
will ya?
228
00:10:35,100 --> 00:10:38,102
'Cause I could
almost believe you got it on now.
229
00:10:38,104 --> 00:10:39,870
And that silly grin,
you know,
230
00:10:39,872 --> 00:10:42,739
when you're tryin'
to lie about somethin'.
231
00:10:45,010 --> 00:10:46,944
Just be cool there,
will ya?
232
00:10:46,946 --> 00:10:48,946
Don't tell her
you was talkin' to me.
233
00:10:48,948 --> 00:10:51,615
And try to keep her there
as long as you can.
234
00:10:51,617 --> 00:10:53,050
You understand me?
Huh?
235
00:10:53,052 --> 00:10:54,452
Say somethin',
will ya?
236
00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:58,189
Uh--um, yes--
sorry, Madam,
237
00:10:58,191 --> 00:11:00,124
um--but, uh--
238
00:11:00,126 --> 00:11:03,327
What do you mean "Madam"?
You're supposed to be talkin' to a plumber!
239
00:11:04,596 --> 00:11:07,598
Uh--yeah--
I think it's great that you women
240
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,400
are finally
getting a chance
241
00:11:09,402 --> 00:11:12,936
to make it into
the plumbing business.
242
00:11:12,938 --> 00:11:15,006
Uh--uh--
good-bye, there.
243
00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:16,073
Hold--hold--hold it.
244
00:11:16,075 --> 00:11:18,409
Hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it!
245
00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:20,544
What the hell am I sayin'
"hold it" to him for?
246
00:11:20,546 --> 00:11:23,147
That Polack can only
hold a knife and fork.
247
00:11:24,282 --> 00:11:26,350
Arch--Arch,
I been tryin' to tell you.
248
00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:28,819
Your wife called
five minutes ago.
249
00:11:28,821 --> 00:11:30,488
What do you mean,
tryin' to tell me?
250
00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:31,688
Why didn't you
tell me?
251
00:11:31,690 --> 00:11:32,923
You wouldn't let me.
252
00:11:32,925 --> 00:11:33,991
What did she want?
253
00:11:33,993 --> 00:11:35,659
You.
254
00:11:35,661 --> 00:11:36,660
What'd you tell her?
255
00:11:36,662 --> 00:11:37,861
I told her
you weren't here.
256
00:11:37,863 --> 00:11:39,463
Why did you tell her that?
257
00:11:39,465 --> 00:11:41,299
'Cause you weren't here!
258
00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:43,367
Let me think
let me think.
259
00:11:43,369 --> 00:11:45,837
Uh--
did she believe ya?
260
00:11:45,839 --> 00:11:49,473
Arch, wives believe me
when I tell 'em lies for you guys--
261
00:11:49,475 --> 00:11:52,643
why wouldn't they believe me
when I tell 'em the truth?
262
00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:55,379
Aw, jeez, I--I--
263
00:11:55,381 --> 00:11:56,880
I'm in trouble.
Gimme a drink.
264
00:11:56,882 --> 00:11:58,449
One beer, comin' up.
265
00:11:58,451 --> 00:12:01,218
Oh, no, no,
I need somethin' stronger than one beer.
266
00:12:01,220 --> 00:12:02,787
How 'bout two beers?
267
00:12:04,122 --> 00:12:05,689
Don't be a wise guy.
268
00:12:05,691 --> 00:12:09,093
Gimme a little
Fleischmann's smooth over the ice there.
269
00:12:10,595 --> 00:12:12,563
You told her I wasn't here,
Harry, huh?
270
00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:13,564
Yeah.
271
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,533
Well,
how did you tell her?
272
00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:18,202
I said,
"Mrs. Bunker, he ain't here."
273
00:12:19,504 --> 00:12:21,172
Then I'm in a jam.
274
00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:22,372
What do you mean,
Arch?
275
00:12:22,374 --> 00:12:25,209
If Edith knows
I wasn't here tonight,
276
00:12:25,211 --> 00:12:26,743
then where was I?
277
00:12:26,745 --> 00:12:28,979
What's the trouble,
Arch?
278
00:12:28,981 --> 00:12:30,815
Yeah, what's
the matter, Arch?
279
00:12:31,950 --> 00:12:33,017
What was you
up to tonight?
280
00:12:33,019 --> 00:12:34,919
Foley,
never mind that.
281
00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:36,754
What was you up to
tonight?
282
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,989
Well, I had a date
with a dame,
283
00:12:38,991 --> 00:12:40,758
she stood me up,
so I took in a flick.
284
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:43,327
What picture did you see?
285
00:12:43,329 --> 00:12:45,896
I seen a double feature.
Hey, two scorchers, eh?
286
00:12:45,898 --> 00:12:49,433
"Eight In A Waterbed"
and "Pinnocchio Meets the Happy Hooker."
287
00:12:54,105 --> 00:12:56,106
And, uh...
288
00:12:56,108 --> 00:12:59,142
I don't know, after that
I just stopped off for a pizza and I wound up here. Why?
289
00:12:59,144 --> 00:13:02,547
I don't like
what you done tonight.
290
00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:05,349
You done somethin' else.
291
00:13:05,351 --> 00:13:07,218
You went bowlin'.
292
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:08,219
I did?
293
00:13:08,221 --> 00:13:11,755
That's right.
With me.
294
00:13:11,757 --> 00:13:13,891
Okay, I went
bowlin' with you.
295
00:13:13,893 --> 00:13:15,359
Do you hear that,
Harry, huh?
296
00:13:15,361 --> 00:13:17,428
- Yeah, Arch.
- Well, give it back to me.
297
00:13:17,430 --> 00:13:18,996
Joe went bowlin'
with you.
298
00:13:18,998 --> 00:13:20,798
That's right.
299
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:23,967
And if Joe
went bowlin' with me, it follies naturally
300
00:13:23,969 --> 00:13:26,170
that I went bowlin'
with him.
301
00:13:26,172 --> 00:13:28,138
Huh?
All right.
302
00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:31,342
Now, you're gonna
back me up on this, see?
303
00:13:31,344 --> 00:13:34,178
Lord, I'm gonna go to church
the rest of my life
304
00:13:34,180 --> 00:13:36,747
if you leave me get away
with a few lies tonight.
305
00:13:36,749 --> 00:13:39,116
Oh, sheesh.
306
00:13:39,118 --> 00:13:42,185
Hey, uh,
one of them lies got lipstick on the handkerchief.
307
00:13:42,187 --> 00:13:43,854
Huh?
308
00:13:43,856 --> 00:13:45,155
Uh--uh,
that ain't lipstick.
309
00:13:45,157 --> 00:13:48,225
Uh--I had a little nosebleed
goin' up in an elevator.
310
00:13:50,328 --> 00:13:52,629
Oh, you're beautiful,
Arch.
311
00:13:52,631 --> 00:13:53,998
You bleed raspberry.
312
00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:55,365
Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
313
00:13:55,367 --> 00:13:56,400
Now, wait a minute,
guys.
314
00:13:56,402 --> 00:13:57,835
Now,
let me tell you this--
315
00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,570
And this is the truth!
316
00:14:02,140 --> 00:14:04,575
No matter where I was
tonight,
317
00:14:04,577 --> 00:14:08,946
the sexual act
was never constipated.
318
00:14:14,986 --> 00:14:16,219
What are you doin'
now?
319
00:14:16,221 --> 00:14:19,056
What Nixon shoulda done
to the tapes.
320
00:14:35,206 --> 00:14:37,608
Don't step on
the leaves.
321
00:14:44,716 --> 00:14:45,649
[SIGHS]
322
00:14:47,151 --> 00:14:48,452
Okay,
let's hear it.
323
00:14:48,454 --> 00:14:49,687
Oh, quit worryin',
will ya?
324
00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:50,688
I got it, I got it.
325
00:14:50,690 --> 00:14:53,323
Will you please
let me hear it again?
326
00:14:53,325 --> 00:14:54,625
All right, all right.
327
00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:56,827
I called you down
at Kelsey's, and then--
328
00:14:56,829 --> 00:14:58,896
No, no, no, jeez.
329
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:00,865
You didn't call me
at Kelsey's.
330
00:15:00,867 --> 00:15:02,766
You called me here.
331
00:15:02,768 --> 00:15:03,834
Go ahead. Again.
332
00:15:03,836 --> 00:15:04,835
All right.
333
00:15:04,837 --> 00:15:07,137
I called you here,
at your house.
334
00:15:07,139 --> 00:15:08,906
I told you to meet me
down at Kelsey's--
335
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:09,907
No, jeez!
336
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:12,209
No, no.
337
00:15:12,211 --> 00:15:13,944
You called me here
and you told me
338
00:15:13,946 --> 00:15:15,679
to meet you down
at the bowlin' alley.
339
00:15:15,681 --> 00:15:18,682
I wasn't at Kelsey's.
Edith knows I wasn't at Kelsey's.
340
00:15:18,684 --> 00:15:20,651
Aw, jeez,
you're gettin' me all mixed up.
341
00:15:20,653 --> 00:15:22,720
Take it easy,
take it easy, will ya, Joe?
342
00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:24,755
Just--just keep calm
and cool.
343
00:15:24,757 --> 00:15:28,992
You get in there,
you tell your story simple and quick,
344
00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:32,696
you get a pain in the gut,
and you run like hell outta here.
345
00:15:32,698 --> 00:15:34,698
All right, all right?
346
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:36,100
Uh--look, Arch.
347
00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:38,168
I'll just say,
"Archie went bowlin'."
348
00:15:38,170 --> 00:15:39,336
Yes.
349
00:15:39,338 --> 00:15:40,804
"He didn't go over
to Denise's--"
350
00:15:40,806 --> 00:15:42,973
I'm dead!
351
00:15:44,776 --> 00:15:46,744
Listen, Archie, uh...
352
00:15:46,746 --> 00:15:48,446
Look,
on the level,
353
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:50,881
maybe I shouldn't
go through with this, you know what I mean?
354
00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:51,915
I--I oughta beat it.
355
00:15:51,917 --> 00:15:53,484
You see, I, um...
356
00:15:53,486 --> 00:15:55,185
Well, every time
I talk to women,
357
00:15:55,187 --> 00:15:56,587
they always
smell a rat.
358
00:15:56,589 --> 00:15:59,490
I'm beginnin'
to smell one myself.
359
00:16:02,127 --> 00:16:04,394
Hey, wait--wait a--
just sit tight, will ya?
360
00:16:04,396 --> 00:16:05,629
- Jeez.
- Where you goin'?
361
00:16:05,631 --> 00:16:06,964
Over here.
Gonna take a look.
362
00:16:06,966 --> 00:16:08,866
Watch the leaves!
363
00:16:13,171 --> 00:16:14,872
See that,
all that worryin' for nothin'.
364
00:16:14,874 --> 00:16:16,774
The coast is clear.
She ain't even home.
365
00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:19,076
Now, look,
all you gotta do is scoot in the door,
366
00:16:19,078 --> 00:16:21,645
duck upstairs,
hop in bed-- you're home free!
367
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:22,646
See?
368
00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:24,281
Oh, uh--
listen, Arch.
369
00:16:24,283 --> 00:16:26,283
If you need a place
to sleep tonight,
370
00:16:26,285 --> 00:16:27,317
you know where I live,
huh?
371
00:16:28,386 --> 00:16:31,021
Good luck, pal.
See you tomorrow.
372
00:16:32,891 --> 00:16:34,592
[INAUDIBLE]
373
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:44,001
Oh!
Oh, you're home!
374
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,368
Yeah, yeah.
375
00:16:45,370 --> 00:16:46,569
So am I.
376
00:16:46,571 --> 00:16:47,838
Yeah,
I see that, Edith.
377
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:48,839
Mmm!
378
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:51,608
You smell good.
What's that?
379
00:16:51,610 --> 00:16:53,243
Uh, that's a perfume,
Edith.
380
00:16:53,245 --> 00:16:55,679
Uh, I--I got that
on the subway.
381
00:16:55,681 --> 00:16:58,748
A cross-eyed lady
came and sat down next to me, you know?
382
00:16:58,750 --> 00:17:00,483
She opened her purse,
took out the perfume,
383
00:17:00,485 --> 00:17:01,785
poofed it, give it
to herself--
384
00:17:01,787 --> 00:17:03,253
she got it
all over me.
385
00:17:03,255 --> 00:17:04,354
Oh.
[GIGGLES]
386
00:17:04,356 --> 00:17:07,390
Well, what did you go
on the subway for?
387
00:17:07,392 --> 00:17:08,792
Uh--me and Joe Foley,
388
00:17:08,794 --> 00:17:11,461
we took the subway
to Long Island City to bowl.
389
00:17:11,463 --> 00:17:13,563
Well--well,
you're all dressed up.
390
00:17:13,565 --> 00:17:17,701
This is your good shirt
from Disneyworld.
391
00:17:19,938 --> 00:17:21,805
Well, it's their
new alleys there, Edith.
392
00:17:21,807 --> 00:17:23,741
They call 'em the
"Society Lanes," you know?
393
00:17:23,743 --> 00:17:26,844
A lot of classy people from
the East side of New York come over to bowl there,
394
00:17:26,846 --> 00:17:28,145
so, uh--
you know, so...
395
00:17:28,147 --> 00:17:29,880
So, so much for me,
anyway, uh--
396
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:31,081
well, how was your evening?
397
00:17:31,083 --> 00:17:33,751
What about old man Kleeger
and his clackers?
398
00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:36,853
Ooh,
they fit fine.
399
00:17:36,855 --> 00:17:38,389
They fit him perfect.
400
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:39,723
Why did you and Joe--
401
00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:40,957
Did he, uh--
did he ever
402
00:17:40,959 --> 00:17:43,260
propose to old lady
what's-her-name?
403
00:17:43,262 --> 00:17:45,195
Oh, yeah.
Friedman, yeah.
404
00:17:45,197 --> 00:17:46,830
Oh, it was so romantic.
405
00:17:46,832 --> 00:17:49,066
They sat together
on the sofa,
406
00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:53,070
and he wanted
to get on his knees to pop the question.
407
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:56,173
[GIGGLES]
So, I helped him get down.
408
00:17:56,175 --> 00:17:59,209
And then,
he asked her to marry him.
409
00:17:59,211 --> 00:18:01,112
Ah.
Did she say yes to him?
410
00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:04,214
Well, she kinda
nodded her head,
411
00:18:04,216 --> 00:18:06,282
so he thought
that meant yes,
412
00:18:06,284 --> 00:18:10,487
but what she
really was doin' was fallin' asleep.
413
00:18:12,724 --> 00:18:15,626
Jeez, uh,
I feel a little like goin' to sleep myself,
414
00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:16,627
you know, Edith?
415
00:18:16,629 --> 00:18:19,363
Did you and Joe
bowl good?
416
00:18:19,365 --> 00:18:20,931
Oh, yeah, yeah,
pretty good.
417
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:22,999
I started out the evening
with 168,
418
00:18:23,001 --> 00:18:25,336
and then, uh--I went
to the second game, 171,
419
00:18:25,338 --> 00:18:27,571
and I went up to the
third game with 177, Edith.
420
00:18:27,573 --> 00:18:29,340
You don't believe me,
you can ask Joe Foley.
421
00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:31,040
He knows where I was
and what I was doin'.
422
00:18:31,042 --> 00:18:34,278
His number's in the little
black book there.
423
00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:35,445
So, uh...
424
00:18:35,447 --> 00:18:38,182
Yeah, I think I'll
go to bed, Edith.
425
00:18:38,184 --> 00:18:40,184
Archie.
426
00:18:40,186 --> 00:18:41,986
Where was you?
427
00:18:41,988 --> 00:18:43,687
I told you where I was.
428
00:18:43,689 --> 00:18:45,355
Really.
429
00:18:53,632 --> 00:18:56,534
I'll level with ya,
Edith.
430
00:18:56,536 --> 00:18:58,869
I was playin' poker
with the guys.
431
00:19:00,671 --> 00:19:02,339
And, uh,
I lost 12 bucks,
432
00:19:02,341 --> 00:19:04,274
and knowin' the way
you feel about gamblin'--
433
00:19:04,276 --> 00:19:06,410
see, I was--I was
ashamed to tell you.
434
00:19:08,146 --> 00:19:09,679
Where was you?
435
00:19:11,449 --> 00:19:13,383
Edith, now,
just let me say this to you.
436
00:19:13,385 --> 00:19:17,654
That this whole evening
is gonna run a lot smoother...
437
00:19:17,656 --> 00:19:19,422
if you just believe
everything I say
438
00:19:19,424 --> 00:19:22,726
and then forget about it,
now...
439
00:19:22,728 --> 00:19:24,494
Come on,
let's go to bed, huh?
440
00:19:25,563 --> 00:19:26,897
No.
441
00:19:26,899 --> 00:19:29,799
I ain't goin' to bed
till you tell me the truth.
442
00:19:29,801 --> 00:19:31,401
Edith,
I told you the truth.
443
00:19:31,403 --> 00:19:34,204
What more am I supposed
to say to you?
444
00:19:34,206 --> 00:19:37,407
Archie, I wanna
ask you a question.
445
00:19:37,409 --> 00:19:38,909
What?
446
00:19:46,952 --> 00:19:49,620
Whose phone number is this?
447
00:19:49,622 --> 00:19:51,488
Well, I wouldn't know,
Edith.
448
00:19:51,490 --> 00:19:53,090
Is that my handwriti''
on there?
449
00:20:03,901 --> 00:20:06,936
Maybe I better
call and find out.
450
00:20:06,938 --> 00:20:09,606
Well, do whatever
you wanna do, Edith. I don't care.
451
00:20:15,780 --> 00:20:18,148
[DIALING]
452
00:20:24,522 --> 00:20:25,555
Wait a minute, uh...
453
00:20:29,293 --> 00:20:30,260
Don't do that.
454
00:20:42,273 --> 00:20:45,342
You left me alone again
tonight.
455
00:20:45,344 --> 00:20:48,178
And you're doin' a lot
of that lately, Edith.
456
00:20:48,180 --> 00:20:51,081
So, here I was, alone,
457
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:54,084
and, uh, feelin' lonesome,
didn't know what to do,
458
00:20:54,086 --> 00:20:55,818
so, uh...
459
00:20:55,820 --> 00:20:58,988
I took a walk with myself,
to no place in particular.
460
00:20:58,990 --> 00:21:01,358
I wound up over the other
side of Norton Boulevard, there,
461
00:21:01,360 --> 00:21:02,426
and I'm walkin' along,
462
00:21:02,428 --> 00:21:05,062
past this here
apartment house,
463
00:21:05,064 --> 00:21:07,964
and up comes a person
that I know.
464
00:21:07,966 --> 00:21:10,800
And, uh...
465
00:21:10,802 --> 00:21:12,169
well, she's
a waitress, Edith,
466
00:21:12,171 --> 00:21:13,603
and, uh...
467
00:21:13,605 --> 00:21:15,372
uh, she works
in a joint where I eat
468
00:21:15,374 --> 00:21:18,508
maybe once a month,
you know?
469
00:21:18,510 --> 00:21:21,078
So, uh...
470
00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:24,247
Well, she's carryin'
two bags of groceries, you know?
471
00:21:24,249 --> 00:21:25,783
And she says,
"Hello, Mr. Bunker."
472
00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:27,584
And, uh,
"Would you mind helpin' me upstairs
473
00:21:27,586 --> 00:21:28,618
with a
bag of groceries?"
474
00:21:28,620 --> 00:21:29,753
So, I says,
"Oh, all right."
475
00:21:29,755 --> 00:21:30,788
I grab
a bag of groceries,
476
00:21:30,790 --> 00:21:32,256
I went over to there,
you know?
477
00:21:32,258 --> 00:21:34,291
We put the groceries down,
and we're talkin' there,
478
00:21:34,293 --> 00:21:35,826
and we're kiddin' around
a little bit,
479
00:21:35,828 --> 00:21:37,360
and she asks if I'd like
a glass of wine,
480
00:21:37,362 --> 00:21:40,330
so I had our tawny port
with me to--
481
00:21:45,136 --> 00:21:47,271
No, uh--listen, Edith,
482
00:21:47,273 --> 00:21:48,806
don't get yourself
all upset,
483
00:21:48,808 --> 00:21:50,841
because whatever
happened there,
484
00:21:50,843 --> 00:21:52,742
there was nothin' wrong.
485
00:21:52,744 --> 00:21:56,013
I save all that wrong
for you, you know.
486
00:21:58,616 --> 00:22:00,851
Now, Edith,
just remember,
487
00:22:00,853 --> 00:22:02,953
you married me
for better or for worse,
488
00:22:02,955 --> 00:22:04,621
and up to now,
it's all been a "better,"
489
00:22:04,623 --> 00:22:07,690
so here's a little of
the "worse" for you here.
490
00:22:07,692 --> 00:22:08,925
Don't cry!
491
00:22:08,927 --> 00:22:10,928
Don't make a big thing
outta nothin'!
492
00:22:10,930 --> 00:22:12,429
Well, ain't it
a big thing?
493
00:22:12,431 --> 00:22:14,264
No, it
ain't a big thing! Why's it a big thing?
494
00:22:14,266 --> 00:22:16,733
I mean, somebody go
to an apartment with some groceries there,
495
00:22:16,735 --> 00:22:18,769
all you do is you talk
and you kid around a little bit,
496
00:22:18,771 --> 00:22:20,837
you have a couple
of glasses of wine and a harmless kiss.
497
00:22:20,839 --> 00:22:22,973
You kissed her?!
498
00:22:22,975 --> 00:22:24,641
Aw, jeez.
499
00:22:36,520 --> 00:22:38,755
Edith,
what can I say to you
500
00:22:38,757 --> 00:22:40,624
except to tell you
the God's-honest truth.
501
00:22:40,626 --> 00:22:43,760
It--it didn't mean
nothin' at all.
502
00:22:43,762 --> 00:22:46,529
Edith, can't you just
forgive and forget, huh?
503
00:22:46,531 --> 00:22:47,931
I don't know.
504
00:22:47,933 --> 00:22:51,434
I ain't had no experience
with this before.
505
00:22:51,436 --> 00:22:53,470
Now, wait a minute, don't--
well, don't walk away.
506
00:22:53,472 --> 00:22:54,838
Let's talk about it,
huh, Edith?
507
00:22:54,840 --> 00:22:56,239
We can talk or we can--
508
00:22:56,241 --> 00:22:57,608
What are you takin'
your coat for?
509
00:22:57,610 --> 00:23:00,110
Now, why would you
leave the house?
510
00:23:00,112 --> 00:23:00,777
[CRIES]
511
00:23:00,779 --> 00:23:03,780
Archie, the one thing
512
00:23:03,782 --> 00:23:07,350
I could always count on
was you.
513
00:23:07,352 --> 00:23:12,355
Now, I can't count on you
no more.
514
00:23:12,357 --> 00:23:13,356
[CRIES]
515
00:23:13,358 --> 00:23:15,025
[PHONE RINGS]
516
00:23:16,093 --> 00:23:18,228
[RINGS]
517
00:23:20,031 --> 00:23:22,098
[RINGS]
518
00:23:23,367 --> 00:23:25,268
[RINGS]
519
00:23:26,404 --> 00:23:28,672
[RINGS]
520
00:23:28,674 --> 00:23:30,006
Uh, hello?
521
00:23:30,008 --> 00:23:33,410
Oh, hello, Gloria.
How are you?
522
00:23:33,412 --> 00:23:35,712
I'm fine.
523
00:23:35,714 --> 00:23:39,817
Uh--well, no,
your mother ain't here.
524
00:23:39,819 --> 00:23:44,588
Well, I don't know,
she's, uh--just, uh...
525
00:23:44,590 --> 00:23:49,493
well...Gloria...
526
00:23:49,495 --> 00:23:53,697
uh, to tell you
the truth...
527
00:23:53,699 --> 00:23:58,234
I--I--I think your mother
just...
528
00:23:58,236 --> 00:24:00,704
run away from home.
529
00:24:21,292 --> 00:24:23,794
♪
530
00:24:23,796 --> 00:24:26,262
All in the Family
was recorded on tape
531
00:24:26,264 --> 00:24:28,264
before a live audience.
532
00:24:28,314 --> 00:24:32,864
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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