Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ You're just too marvelous ♪

♪ Too marvelous for words ♪

♪ Like "glorious" ♪

♪ "Glamorous" ♪

♪ And that old standby "e-namorous" ♪

Look at this.

[HUMMING]

[CONTINUES HUMMING]

Hey, hey, hey, old blue eyes is back.

Hey, you know somethin'?

Them ultraviolet lights in the "terlet" seats

always scare me.

Archie, that's to sterilize the seat.

I know it's to sterilize,

but how does the light know where the seat ends and I begin?

Refills?

- Mmm. - Yeah.

Yeah. Ha!

Thank you.

You want some more sugar, sugar?

Oh, no, no, I'm on a diet,

but you just dip your pinky in there,

that'll make it sweet, sweetie.

You are so cute!

Yeah, people always say that.

Hey, what's our joke for today?

Oh, hey, hey, I got a new joke for ya today.

- No, no! - Not the Martian joke!

- The Martian, the Martian! - Give us a break!

Shut up!

There was this Martian, see,

and he lands here in New York.

So he's got the antennies up there, ya know, blinkin' and flashin'.

He's over there on 8th Avenue, and he ducks into a bar.

So right away, he sees the pinball machine.

Pinball machine is flashin' with the lights goin'

and the bells ringin'.

He goes over to the machine, he puts his hand on it,

and he says, "Hey, what's a nice girl like you doin' in a joint like this?"

I always get a laugh outta Denise.

You are so adorable, I could kiss you.

Hey, hey, hey!

Maybe I shoulda took that for dessert,

because it's so delicious and it ain't fattening.

Huh?

That's my Archie, the super burger with everything.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, you're-a so adorable! I could kiss you!

Yeah, maybe I should have had that for dessert.

It's delicious, and it ain't even fattening!

Ooh! [KISSING SOUNDS]

Will you...

People looking at you,

they'll think we're three kinds of fruit over here.

Hey, listen to me, Arch, will ya?

You know that Denise over there?

She's just beggin' you for some action.

Ah, would ya listen to Foley the philangerer over here.

Jeez.

You really think so?

You can't miss.

Hey, look, she digs you, Archie.

Why don't you make your move, man?

Make a move?

If I was to make any kind of a move,

Edith'd kill me.

Who says Edith's gotta know anyway?

You got a right to some fun.

Foley, I'm a married man,

which means that I ain't got no right to no fun.

Hey, now, Archie,

what's wrong with a married guy havin' someone stashed somewhere, man?

What the hell do I look like, a congressman?

I'm a very legit, law-abidin' guy,

you understand what I mean?

If I was to try anything like that--

which I wouldn't--

Edith would be sure to get wise.

She's loaded with this, what do ya call,

woman's intermission.

That is baloney!

Look, tell her you went bowlin' with me.

She'd believe that.

Well, she might believe that.

Or tell her you spent the evening at my house.

She'd never believe that, Whitey.

You know, Whitey, poor old Archie Bunker.

Looks like our senior citizen here is just a little bit over the hill.

Right on, my man.

Look like we talking candy to a guy who ain't got no more teeth.

I got news for you.

I'm still as good as I ever was.

Didn't you hear the old saying there?

Just 'cause there's snow on the basement

don't mean there ain't no fire in the roof.

Think that over a minute, huh?

That's heavy, ain't it?

♪ I'm dreamin' tonight of my blue eyes ♪

Oh, you boys have a good time now, ya hear?

We'll see you lovebirds later.

Ah, go on.

Well, okay, what's the damage?

Uh, 1.35.

And don't forget to look under the cup

for a little somethin' for yourself there, Denise.

Thank you.

Here. Hey, you wouldn't believe

what them two dummies was talkin' about over here.

What?

Well, they was sayin' that because you and me kid around a lot,

and you take good care of me when I come in here

that you and me... well, you know.

What?

Ah, well...

Could I have one of them, uh, uh, peppermint, uh, toothpicks there?

I...

Help yourself.

You know that perfume you're wearing, it's really somethin'.

What is it? Faberge?

Something like that.

Take your time and enjoy it.

Ah, well...

Well, to hell with the toothpick.

They say them things bust your enamel anyhow, you know?

Uh, but...

Denise, uh...

Somethin' else you wanna say, Archie?

No, I ain't got the time.

Well, uh... in case you ever have the time...

here's my number.

Excuse me.

Oops.

[EDITH HUMMING]

♪ Joey ♪

[EDITH HUMMING]

♪ Joey ♪

Hey, Jeanette MacDonald, your Eddy Nelson's here.

Oh!

Hey, Archie.

Ah!

And he's ready for a night to remember, Edith.

I brought home a bottle of Taylor's tawny port here.

What is this?

Joey's potty!

[GROANS]

What's it doin' in the livin' room?

You tryin' to keep flies outta the kitchen?

Oh, no. I'm gonna put it away

until Joey's ready for terlet training.

He don't need no training for that, Edith.

That's the best thing he does.

Well, Gloria says that wrong training

can affect a child for life, and I guess she's right,

'cause my mother had a neighbor, Mrs. Applebaum,

and she had a little baby, Wilton Applebaum,

and she started training him too early,

and he kept slidin' into the pot.

And they said it must have affected his mind,

'cause he grew up to be a terrible gambler.

And he was in this poker game once, and this man said to him,

"Wilton, are you in the pot?" and Wilton shot him.

You tell swell stories, Edith.

They're a little long, but they're swell.

Oh, thank you.

Listen, get your mind off everything tonight

but just you and me, huh?

Couple of blasts of the tawny port here,

upstairs early,

and then, que seroo, seroo.

Come on, sit down over here. Right on the lap.

You want me to sit on your lap?

- That's right. - [GIGGLES]

Just move a little forward, Edith, so I can breathe here.

There, now, huh?

Let me tell you what happened at the Sunshine Home today.

No, I don't wanna hear that, Edith.

What is the matter with you lately?

Every time I come home, you're busy doin' a favor for the kids,

you're baby-sittin' for Joey,

or you're gallopin' back and forth

between here and the Sunshine Senior Citizens Home.

I mean, Edith, I feel kinda neglected around here.

I'm worried about Mr. Kleeger.

Oh, jeez, old Sunshine Kleeger.

Ain't he dead yet?

Oh, no!

I'm worried about him because he was so nervous today.

Sure, he's nervous. He's 100, ain't he?

Oh, no! He's only 90.

Ah, jeez, a mere stripling.

He wasn't nervous 'cause he's 90.

He was nervous 'cause he wants to propose to Mrs. Friedman,

and I got his teeth.

You got his teeth? Where?

Oh, right here.

I'll show you.

No, jeez! I don't wanna look at--

Oh, she shows 'em to me anyway!

I picked 'em up at the dentist for him.

Put 'em away, will ya?

I'd just as soon look at the kid's potty.

Now, come on, here.

Now let's dwell on you and me.

First of all, hey, hey.

I got a hell of a new story I wanna tell ya.

This is a swell joke.

There's this Martian, see, and he lands in New York,

and he's over on 8th Avenue.

He's got his antennies up in the air,

and they're blinkin' and flashin' there.

All electrified.

And he goes into a bar.

That ain't the joke. What's so funny about a bar?

Oh, I'm sorry, Archie.

Go ahead.

He goes into the bar, see, and the first thing he sees the pinball machine,

so he goes over, he lays his hand on the pinball machine,

and he says, "What is a nice girl like you

doin' in a joint like this?"

Why don't you laugh there?

I'm waitin' to hear what she said.

I know some people that laughed like hell at that joke.

Oh, I'm sorry, Archie.

Tell it to me again.

No. Never mind, never mind that, Edith.

How about a little toast to start the evening, huh?

Here.

To Edith.

With you in my arms, the moon in the sky,

love in my heart, and one hand on your thigh.

Oh!

[PHONE RINGS]

Oh, I'll get it.

Oh, the hell with the phone!

[RINGS]

Hello.

Oh, hello, Mr. Kleeger.

Don't Kleeger know enough

not to interfere with people's privates?

I can't understand ya.

Talk slower.

How can he talk at all

with his Jimmy Carters in your pocket?

Oh, yeah!

Mr. Kleeger, I got your teeth for ya.

Yeah, I'll bring 'em right over.

Oh, wait a minute...

You stay right there.

- Now wait a minute, Edith. - That's right.

- Don't tell me-- you ain't goin'-- - I gotta go.

Wait a minute, Edith! Now you can't go out again tonight!

I won't be too late,

and this'll make Mr. Kleeger so happy,

and maybe Mrs. Friedman.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Oh, Archie!

Don't do that!

Now your dinner's in the fridge in a baggie.

Wait a minute.

Leave the dishes in the sink.

Edith, don't do this. Edith, will ya...

Edith, I got plans tonight for you and me,

and the plans ain't gonna work unless you're here.

What the hell am I supposed to do with myself after dinner?

I can listen to myself burp.

Bayside 9-2--

Nah!

[DIALING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[TENSE, HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Hi there. Is that you, Denise?

Guess who this is.

[COUGHS] What do you mean, you don't recognize...

[COUGHS AGAIN] ...the voice?

This is Archie.

Yeah.

Your super burger with everything.

I was just, uh... I was just here, you know...

[RINGS DOORBELL]

DENISE: The door's open, Archie. Come on in.

I'll be right with you.

- Hi. - Oh, hi there, Denise.

Hey...oh, boy, do you look wonderful there.

So do you.

Did you have any trouble finding the place?

Oh, no, this used to be my old stompin' ground.

I don't live too far from here, ya know.

I know where you live.

You do?

You're in the phone book.

Yeah, I make it every year.

Uh, I brung ya a little wine over here.

Oh, ya didn't have to bring anything.

I know that, but you know, on evenings such as this,

it always helps.

I mean, makes it nice.

This here's your Taylor's tawny port.

That's like a gentile "Manishooitz."

It's "evaporooted" a little bit there.

That's 'cause they don't put the good corks in that no more.

Well, let's not just stand here.

No, the hell with standin' here.

What do ya wanna do?

Well, why don't you make yourself comfy?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

[CLEARS THROAT] Thanks very much, Denise.

Jeez, it's a swell apartment you got here.

Oh, thank you.

This is a real comfortable chair here, ya know.

It fits like a glove if my butt was a hand.

Well, now that you know how close I am

and how comfy the chair is,

you won't have any excuse for not dropping by.

Well, that's right.

I wouldn't have no excuse for not...

comin' on over, ya know.

When I come, maybe this could be my personal chair.

Mm-hmm.

Gee, I can't get over how you look outta uniform.

Well, I mean...

you know, it's a swell-lookin' dress.

Well, it's not exactly a dress.

It's sort of lounging pajamas.

Oh, yeah, yeah, lounging pajamas.

I didn't bring nothin' like that with me.

And that perfume, wow!

I mean, that really...

kinda "infilterates" the "nosetrils."

You know, Archie,

I never heard anybody put things the way you do.

Oh, I read a lot.

Oh.

Oh, here.

Look at this.

A little side order of "horse ovaries" here.

I see you got my favorite thing on there--salami.

I know. You ordered it the first day you came in to the coffee shop.

Salami on rye.

You remember the first thing I ordered?

I remember what you ordered, what you wore, what you said.

You know, Archie, you're kinda special.

Oh, yeah?

Mm-hmm.

Am I, uh... am I embarrassing you?

No, no, no, the truth ain't never embarrassing.

I, uh... ordered some beer.

You wanna wait until it gets here,

or would you like to have some wine?

Oh, no, we could begin with the wine.

- You know, because... - Okay.

evenings such as this...

I always stay on the wine.

It's a habit I picked up over in Europe.

Oh, did you travel in Europe?

Oh... yeah. All over Europe.

Well, I was mostly in Italy,

and I was mostly in a place called Fouja.

See, I was stationed there.

That's where they sent me over there, see,

in WWII--the big one.

Well, I, uh...

I'll bet you met some pretty girls over there, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Course, us vets, we don't like to brag too much about that,

but I can tell you one thing--

I made a few chocolate bars pay off.

[LAUGHS]

There was one particular girl.

Wow, a beauty, a real... "tosaline little regaza."

That's Eye-taliano for girl.

You speak Italian?

Yeah. She taught me everything I know--

all that "parlami amore" stuff, ya know.

And that's the name of the song.

- You know that song? - No.

"Parlami amore."

♪ Tutta la mia vida sei tu ♪

♪ Gli occhi tuoi bella brillano ♪

♪ Fiamme di sogno scintillano ♪

It's a little dago waltz.

Though you ain't supposed to say dago no more.

The wops get sore.

It goes, uh...

♪ Oh, dimmi che illusione non e ♪

♪ Dimmi che sei tutta per me ♪

♪ Qui sul tuo cuor non soffro pi ♪

♪ Parlami damore, Mari ♪

Holy jeez.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Who the hell is that?

Uh...who is it?

MAN: Beer from Kelsey's.

Kelsey's. My God.

Oh, come on in. I'll get you the money.

Ah, good evening, Mr. Bunker.

Good evening. A nice evening, huh?

Yeah, but it looks like it's nicer for you than for me.

What do you mean by that?

Well, I'm workin'.

I don't know what you're doin'.

Listen, kid, come here, will ya?

I wanna talk to ya. What's your name again?

My name is Carlos,

but you call me the spic kid.

Now, listen, I hadn't oughta do that, Carlos.

And you gotta remind me never to do that no more.

Okay. Don't do that no more.

Yeah, all right.

Now I wanna talk to you like we say in your language,

like two hombres of the world, understand?

You're gonna bribe me, right?

And you're gonna take it, right?

Right!

How much is the beer?

Uh, let's see here. It's 2.50

All right, here's three dollars.

You keep the difference.

Wow! A half a buck!

I pay good for favors.

Now listen, what you see here...

I don't wanna read about this here event

on the walls of Kelsey's terlet.

Not even in Spanish, capisce?

Sure, sure. I understand, Mr. Bunker.

Listen, big deal. Who cares?

I don't care.

Nobody cares no more.

Why should you?

Listen, have yourself a ball!

Have a ball, know what I mean?

♪

All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0