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1
00:00:02,835 --> 00:00:05,670
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:09,340
♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪
3
00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:13,011
♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪
4
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:16,280
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:16,282 --> 00:00:19,317
♪ And you knewWhere you were then ♪
6
00:00:19,319 --> 00:00:23,622
♪ Girls were girlsAnd men were men ♪
7
00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:30,428
♪ Mister, we could use a manLike Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:30,430 --> 00:00:32,396
♪ Didn't needNo welfare state ♪
9
00:00:32,398 --> 00:00:36,567
♪ Everybody pulledHis weight ♪
10
00:00:36,569 --> 00:00:40,905
♪ Gee, our old LaSalleRan great ♪
11
00:00:40,907 --> 00:00:46,711
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:52,585 --> 00:00:53,985
Hey, Ma,
13
00:00:53,987 --> 00:00:56,788
you think Daddy's gonna like
his surprise birthday party?
14
00:00:56,790 --> 00:00:58,790
Oh, yeah,
he's gonna love it.
15
00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:01,292
How can you be so sure
he'll like being surprised?
16
00:01:01,294 --> 00:01:03,028
Oh, he told me.
17
00:01:04,163 --> 00:01:05,163
Huh?
18
00:01:05,165 --> 00:01:06,564
When did he say that?
19
00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:09,034
Yesterday morning
when I asked him.
20
00:01:09,036 --> 00:01:12,671
That-- That means that Daddy
knows about his birthday party.
21
00:01:12,673 --> 00:01:16,007
Yeah, it's safer that way.
22
00:01:16,009 --> 00:01:18,810
Look at the time!
It's 10 after 5.
23
00:01:18,812 --> 00:01:21,612
The guests will be here
in 20 minutes!
24
00:01:21,614 --> 00:01:22,613
Twenty minutes?
25
00:01:22,615 --> 00:01:25,183
Yeah. I told them
to come at 5:30.
26
00:01:25,185 --> 00:01:28,687
That way we'll be ready
to shout "Surprise!" at Archie
27
00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:30,321
when he gets home at 6.
28
00:01:30,323 --> 00:01:31,489
Oh. We'd better get ready.
29
00:01:31,491 --> 00:01:33,457
Oh!
Hi, everybody!
30
00:01:33,459 --> 00:01:34,759
How are you?
Wow!
31
00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:36,661
Well, here's Archie's
birthday present.
32
00:01:36,663 --> 00:01:38,362
Thank you,
Louise.
33
00:01:38,364 --> 00:01:40,031
What a beautiful box!
34
00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:41,632
What did you
get him, Louise?
35
00:01:41,634 --> 00:01:44,035
Oh, it's not my present
to Archie. It's Edith's.
36
00:01:44,037 --> 00:01:46,838
Yeah, Louise kept it
over at her house
37
00:01:46,840 --> 00:01:49,207
so Archie wouldn't find out
what it was.
38
00:01:49,209 --> 00:01:50,875
What is it, Edith?
39
00:01:50,877 --> 00:01:53,578
Oh, I can't tell you.
It's a secret.
40
00:01:53,580 --> 00:01:57,115
But it's something
Archie has always wanted.
41
00:01:57,117 --> 00:02:01,152
Well, it's too big
to be a brain transplant.
42
00:02:01,154 --> 00:02:03,788
Oh, Mike!
43
00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:05,190
Well, I've got
to be getting back.
44
00:02:05,192 --> 00:02:06,390
Remember, all of your guests
45
00:02:06,392 --> 00:02:08,459
are meeting
over at my house first.
46
00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:10,195
Justin Quigley and Jo
are already there.
47
00:02:10,197 --> 00:02:11,329
Oh! Right.
48
00:02:11,331 --> 00:02:12,864
Who's Justin Quigley
and Jo?
49
00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:14,365
Oh, honey,
don't you remember?
50
00:02:14,367 --> 00:02:16,267
They're our new grandparents.
We adopted them.
51
00:02:16,269 --> 00:02:17,668
Oh, that's right!
52
00:02:17,670 --> 00:02:19,037
The old man that Ma found
53
00:02:19,039 --> 00:02:20,638
walking around the street
in his pajamas.
54
00:02:20,640 --> 00:02:21,639
Yeah.
55
00:02:21,641 --> 00:02:22,707
Well, I'm taking off.
56
00:02:22,709 --> 00:02:23,908
Wait a minute,
Louise!
57
00:02:23,910 --> 00:02:26,911
Would you mind taking
that off, please, Mike?
58
00:02:26,913 --> 00:02:28,512
I want you to look at the cake.
59
00:02:28,514 --> 00:02:29,781
There! What do you think?
60
00:02:29,783 --> 00:02:31,582
It's beautiful.
61
00:02:31,584 --> 00:02:34,385
Frank Lorenzo iced it for me.
62
00:02:34,387 --> 00:02:37,622
"Happy 50th birthday,
Archie."
63
00:02:37,624 --> 00:02:40,158
I made up the words myself.
64
00:02:41,293 --> 00:02:42,761
Nice.
65
00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:45,029
Well, save me
a big piece, Edith.
66
00:02:45,031 --> 00:02:49,134
Who cares if it ruins this
gorgeous sylph-like figure?
67
00:02:49,136 --> 00:02:50,802
[LAUGHS]
68
00:02:50,804 --> 00:02:53,171
Ciao, amigos.
69
00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:57,175
I better hide this
in the closet.
70
00:02:57,177 --> 00:02:58,276
Yeah, good idea.
Yeah.
71
00:02:59,645 --> 00:03:00,645
[EDITH GASPING]
72
00:03:00,647 --> 00:03:02,280
Archie!
73
00:03:02,282 --> 00:03:03,614
ARCHIE:
Wait a minute!
74
00:03:03,616 --> 00:03:06,384
Wait a minute!
Where are you going, huh?
75
00:03:06,386 --> 00:03:08,119
Daddy, we didn't
expect you home so soon.
76
00:03:08,121 --> 00:03:09,620
Yeah, it's only 10 past 5.
77
00:03:09,622 --> 00:03:10,789
Oh, look at this.
78
00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:14,292
The Meathead finally learned
to tell time.
79
00:03:14,294 --> 00:03:17,428
Here I am, Archie!
80
00:03:20,465 --> 00:03:23,902
You come running at me
like you was a linebacker.
81
00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:24,969
I'm sorry.
82
00:03:24,971 --> 00:03:26,504
What kind of
a greeting's that?
83
00:03:26,506 --> 00:03:29,573
[SWEETLY]
Oh, hello, Archie.
84
00:03:29,575 --> 00:03:32,443
But you ain't supposed
to be here 'til 6.
85
00:03:32,445 --> 00:03:33,845
All right, so I'm early.
So what?
86
00:03:33,847 --> 00:03:37,348
Oh, I told everybody
to come at 5:30
87
00:03:37,350 --> 00:03:39,184
so they could surprise you.
88
00:03:39,186 --> 00:03:43,254
And you promised you wouldn't
come 'til 6 to be surprised.
89
00:03:43,256 --> 00:03:45,423
How can we surprise you
when you're here?
90
00:03:45,425 --> 00:03:49,660
You broke your promise
to be surprised.
91
00:03:49,662 --> 00:03:53,064
I didn't break my promise.
It was an act of God.
92
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:54,966
An act of God?
93
00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:57,768
That's right,
you atheist, you!
94
00:03:57,770 --> 00:04:01,039
We shut down early today
because there was a power cut.
95
00:04:01,041 --> 00:04:02,273
Oh, well, then,
that wasn't God.
96
00:04:02,275 --> 00:04:04,008
That was an act
of Con Edison.
97
00:04:05,177 --> 00:04:07,645
Well, who do you think
runs Con Edison?
98
00:04:08,780 --> 00:04:10,681
You're not
gonna say God.
99
00:04:10,683 --> 00:04:12,116
Well, certainly, little girl.
100
00:04:12,118 --> 00:04:14,118
If you knew your Bible,
you'd know that.
101
00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:15,553
God said, "Let there be light,"
102
00:04:15,555 --> 00:04:18,422
and told Edison
to invent the bulb.
103
00:04:20,592 --> 00:04:23,427
God's in charge of all the power
in this world.
104
00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:24,729
Well, then, you're saying
105
00:04:24,731 --> 00:04:26,231
God's responsible for
the fuel crisis, right?
106
00:04:26,233 --> 00:04:29,500
No, stupid! That's your Arabs.
107
00:04:33,438 --> 00:04:36,975
Ain't God in charge
of them too?
108
00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:38,276
No!
109
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:40,144
That's your Muhammad.
110
00:04:41,446 --> 00:04:43,614
Muhammad's been in charge
of the Arabs
111
00:04:43,616 --> 00:04:47,218
ever since God traded them
to Muhammad for a mountain.
112
00:04:49,321 --> 00:04:52,790
I didn't think it could be done,
but you did it, Arch.
113
00:04:52,792 --> 00:04:55,126
You just killed
the Living Bible.
114
00:04:57,196 --> 00:05:00,731
But what are we gonna do
about the surprise party?
115
00:05:00,733 --> 00:05:03,567
Just forget the surprise, Edith,
and give the party.
116
00:05:03,569 --> 00:05:05,370
Oh, no, Archie!
117
00:05:05,372 --> 00:05:06,537
Oh, come on, will you?
118
00:05:06,539 --> 00:05:09,407
I already had one surprise party
today anyhow.
119
00:05:09,409 --> 00:05:12,076
You had a surprise
party today?
120
00:05:12,078 --> 00:05:13,311
Yeah, down at work.
121
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:14,913
Oh!
122
00:05:16,648 --> 00:05:18,249
And I knew that one
was coming too,
123
00:05:18,251 --> 00:05:19,850
the minute I seen that jerk
Stretch Cunningham
124
00:05:19,852 --> 00:05:21,152
in the locker room,
125
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:23,955
trying to put a 6-inch candle
on top of a Twinkie.
126
00:05:25,857 --> 00:05:28,126
We got you
your favorite cake.
127
00:05:28,128 --> 00:05:29,560
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
128
00:05:29,562 --> 00:05:30,962
You should have
been there, Edith.
129
00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:34,098
All them guys at lunchtime
gathering around there,
130
00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:36,801
wishing me happy birthday,
blowing out the candle there.
131
00:05:36,803 --> 00:05:39,837
It made you proud
to be an American.
132
00:05:39,839 --> 00:05:42,073
It must have been hard,
133
00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:46,844
cutting up that Twinkie
into all them little slices.
134
00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:48,712
Use your common sense.
135
00:05:48,714 --> 00:05:51,816
They shoved it into me
in one piece.
136
00:05:51,818 --> 00:05:52,984
The thing that was hard
137
00:05:52,986 --> 00:05:54,819
was trying to make believe
I was surprised.
138
00:05:54,821 --> 00:05:57,688
I had to say, "What? Who? Me?"
139
00:05:57,690 --> 00:06:00,558
Sounds like the social
event of the season.
140
00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:02,026
Cut it out, will you?
141
00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:04,628
A man's got a right to his
49th birthday, ain't he?
142
00:06:04,630 --> 00:06:06,864
Fiftieth, Archie.
143
00:06:09,034 --> 00:06:11,635
No, it ain't 50. I'm 49.
144
00:06:11,637 --> 00:06:13,104
You're 50, Daddy.
145
00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:17,541
How can I be 50
on my 49th birthday?
146
00:06:17,543 --> 00:06:20,011
Because it's
your 50th birthday.
147
00:06:20,013 --> 00:06:21,312
No, it ain't!
148
00:06:21,314 --> 00:06:22,447
Yes, it is.
149
00:06:22,449 --> 00:06:24,248
Hey there, little girl.
150
00:06:24,250 --> 00:06:26,784
I know how old I am.
And it ain't 50.
151
00:06:26,786 --> 00:06:30,121
Archie, I can prove
that you're 50.
152
00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:31,655
How are you gonna do that?
153
00:06:31,657 --> 00:06:34,959
It says so
on your birthday cake.
154
00:06:37,662 --> 00:06:41,199
"Says so on your birthday cake."
155
00:06:41,201 --> 00:06:43,634
Well, I'm telling you
that the cake is a liar!
156
00:06:43,636 --> 00:06:46,070
Arch, what difference
does it make
157
00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:47,338
whether you're 49 or 50?
158
00:06:47,340 --> 00:06:48,739
Ah, get away from me, you.
159
00:06:48,741 --> 00:06:51,342
Don't be trying to shove me
over the hill ahead of my time.
160
00:06:51,344 --> 00:06:52,776
Fifty's not over the hill.
161
00:06:52,778 --> 00:06:55,046
Yeah, it's easy for
you to say. You're 26.
162
00:06:55,048 --> 00:06:55,913
Twenty-five.
163
00:06:58,517 --> 00:06:59,917
Daddy, we could have
made a mistake.
164
00:06:59,919 --> 00:07:01,386
We could check
your birth certificate.
165
00:07:01,388 --> 00:07:03,721
Don't waste your time.
166
00:07:03,723 --> 00:07:05,056
Hey, Ma, where's
Daddy's birth certificate?
167
00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:08,426
I think it's in the box
next to all your baby shoes.
168
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:09,593
Okay. Let's settle it.
169
00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:11,629
There ain't nothing
to settle, little girl.
170
00:07:11,631 --> 00:07:13,197
I told you,
don't waste your time.
171
00:07:13,199 --> 00:07:14,565
Look at the time!
172
00:07:14,567 --> 00:07:16,534
The guests will be here
any minute!
173
00:07:16,536 --> 00:07:17,868
What are we gonna do?
174
00:07:17,870 --> 00:07:20,604
Let them in.
175
00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:24,542
No! No, Archie. We can't.
You're here.
176
00:07:24,544 --> 00:07:27,678
Yeah, I'm here, sure.
Because it's my party.
177
00:07:27,680 --> 00:07:28,913
Arch, don't you see?
178
00:07:28,915 --> 00:07:30,948
These parties are not just
for the guy being surprised.
179
00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:32,550
See, you're the surprisee.
180
00:07:32,552 --> 00:07:35,486
But these parties are
also for the surprisers.
181
00:07:40,192 --> 00:07:41,892
Well, if I'm the surprisee,
182
00:07:41,894 --> 00:07:44,828
then ipso fatso,
you're the jerkee.
183
00:07:46,831 --> 00:07:50,334
No, Archie, we gotta think
of the guests. Mike's right.
184
00:07:50,336 --> 00:07:53,137
No, he ain't.
Mike is dumb.
185
00:07:53,139 --> 00:07:54,939
What we gotta think
of the guests for?
186
00:07:54,941 --> 00:07:56,941
All they gotta do is show up
with the presents.
187
00:07:56,943 --> 00:07:58,476
But, Arch,
it's psychological.
188
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,945
Ha ha ha.
"Psychological"!
189
00:08:00,947 --> 00:08:04,949
Once more we hear
from Dr. Sigmund Freus.
190
00:08:04,951 --> 00:08:07,751
Arch, don't you see how upset
these people are gonna be
191
00:08:07,753 --> 00:08:10,020
if you take away their chance
to shout "Surprise"?
192
00:08:10,022 --> 00:08:11,389
Yeah, Archie,
193
00:08:11,391 --> 00:08:14,559
they've all been looking forward
to shouting at you.
194
00:08:18,063 --> 00:08:19,363
GLORIA:
Hey, Ma!
195
00:08:19,365 --> 00:08:20,598
Is this the box?
196
00:08:20,600 --> 00:08:23,367
Oh, yeah. I'm sure
it's in here.
197
00:08:23,369 --> 00:08:25,703
Archie, look!
198
00:08:25,705 --> 00:08:28,239
Here's that picture of you
in the Army.
199
00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:32,009
"Foggia, Italy, 1944."
200
00:08:32,011 --> 00:08:35,713
Archie, if we knew
how old you were then,
201
00:08:35,715 --> 00:08:40,218
we could figure out
how old you are now.
202
00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:45,022
I know how old I am now!
Forty-nine today.
203
00:08:45,024 --> 00:08:46,524
Now, let's forget this.
204
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:49,260
Will you do something useful
and get me a beer?
205
00:08:50,395 --> 00:08:51,429
[DOORBELL RINGS]
206
00:08:51,431 --> 00:08:53,297
Oh, it's them!
It's the guests!
207
00:08:53,299 --> 00:08:54,732
Come on, you gotta leave!
208
00:08:54,734 --> 00:08:57,602
[ALL YELLING]
209
00:08:59,338 --> 00:09:00,471
GLORIA:
Give me your arm.
210
00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:01,872
What do you
want me to do?
211
00:09:01,874 --> 00:09:02,873
Put on your coat!
212
00:09:02,875 --> 00:09:04,275
You gotta go out
the back door
213
00:09:04,277 --> 00:09:06,277
and in the front like
you're coming home from work.
214
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:09,079
And would you please
act surprised?
215
00:09:09,081 --> 00:09:10,080
Come on,
come on!
216
00:09:10,082 --> 00:09:12,550
I can get out the door myself!
217
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:13,551
[DOORBELL RINGS]
218
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:14,852
They're at the door!
219
00:09:14,854 --> 00:09:18,389
Coming! Coming!
220
00:09:19,525 --> 00:09:21,459
Oh, hi!
221
00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:26,096
[ALL EXCHANGING GREETINGS]
222
00:09:26,098 --> 00:09:29,867
Oh, Irene, have you met
Mr. and Mrs. Quigley?
223
00:09:29,869 --> 00:09:32,370
Oh, yeah, sure.
Over at Louise's house.
224
00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:34,938
Only it's still not
Mister and Missus, Edith.
225
00:09:34,940 --> 00:09:36,607
Oh, no, we're still
not married.
226
00:09:36,609 --> 00:09:38,309
And staying that way.
227
00:09:39,744 --> 00:09:41,445
I'm sorry.
228
00:09:41,447 --> 00:09:44,815
Then this is Mr. Quigley
and Miss Nelson.
229
00:09:44,817 --> 00:09:49,420
No, it's "Ms."
Ms. M-S.
230
00:09:50,556 --> 00:09:52,156
Daddy will be here
any minute.
231
00:09:52,158 --> 00:09:54,858
So why don't you all sit down
and I'll look out the window.
232
00:09:54,860 --> 00:09:56,661
Everybody sit down.
Here he comes!
233
00:09:56,663 --> 00:09:58,529
Oh, here he comes!
234
00:09:58,531 --> 00:09:59,830
EDITH:
Out of sight!
235
00:09:59,832 --> 00:10:02,166
You open the door, Gloria.
Oh, okay.
236
00:10:02,168 --> 00:10:04,702
That's right. Shh!
237
00:10:06,838 --> 00:10:08,939
Hi, Daddy!
238
00:10:10,809 --> 00:10:12,176
Ma, Daddy's home!
239
00:10:12,178 --> 00:10:14,645
ALL: Surprise!
240
00:10:17,282 --> 00:10:19,517
Hey, hey, hey. Jeez.
241
00:10:19,519 --> 00:10:22,019
What? Who? Me?
242
00:10:26,157 --> 00:10:28,726
Arch, I just found
your birth certificate.
243
00:10:28,728 --> 00:10:31,028
Happy 50th birthday, Arch.
244
00:10:32,163 --> 00:10:33,897
ALL:
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
245
00:10:33,899 --> 00:10:36,767
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
246
00:10:36,769 --> 00:10:40,204
♪ Happy birthday
Dear Archie ♪
247
00:10:40,206 --> 00:10:43,241
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
248
00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:45,809
[ALL CHEERING]
249
00:10:52,751 --> 00:10:55,386
You know, I still
don't understand.
250
00:10:55,388 --> 00:10:57,421
Why didn't Archie stay?
251
00:10:57,423 --> 00:11:00,157
I thought it was
his birthday.
252
00:11:00,159 --> 00:11:04,795
I think the surprise
was too much for him.
253
00:11:04,797 --> 00:11:08,299
I guess he's just taken
a walk around the block.
254
00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:10,234
For two hours?
255
00:11:10,236 --> 00:11:13,638
Maybe he's forgotten
his way home.
256
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:16,006
I've found that
a lot of youngsters
257
00:11:16,008 --> 00:11:19,610
have poor memories nowadays.
258
00:11:19,612 --> 00:11:23,013
Well, he'll be here.
Let's all have a good time.
259
00:11:23,015 --> 00:11:24,848
Well, I'm all for that.
260
00:11:24,850 --> 00:11:27,951
But it seems wrong to have
the party without Archie.
261
00:11:27,953 --> 00:11:30,187
I mean, he's the star.
262
00:11:30,189 --> 00:11:32,022
I bet I know
what made Archie mad.
263
00:11:32,024 --> 00:11:34,024
Had something to do
with his birth certificate.
264
00:11:34,026 --> 00:11:35,025
What do
you mean?
265
00:11:35,027 --> 00:11:36,827
I think it expired.
266
00:11:37,962 --> 00:11:39,463
Lionel!
267
00:11:39,465 --> 00:11:40,998
I'm just kidding.
Sorry, Mrs. Bunker.
268
00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:42,533
Oh, that's
all right, Lionel.
269
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:44,635
Mike, could I talk to you
270
00:11:44,637 --> 00:11:45,636
for a few minutes?
271
00:11:45,638 --> 00:11:47,137
Yeah. Sure, Ma.
272
00:11:47,139 --> 00:11:50,641
Kidding! You're getting to be
more like your father every day.
273
00:11:50,643 --> 00:11:53,744
Is your husband
really such a joker, Louise?
274
00:11:53,746 --> 00:11:55,946
Oh, sure. You know how far
he'll go for a laugh?
275
00:11:55,948 --> 00:11:57,047
He's really a white guy.
276
00:11:57,049 --> 00:12:00,318
He only blacks up
to make Archie mad.
277
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:03,454
Oh, Lionel!
278
00:12:03,456 --> 00:12:05,556
Ma, I called every place
that he might be,
279
00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:07,558
and they said they'd phone us
if they saw him.
280
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,795
I should never
have told him he was 50.
281
00:12:10,797 --> 00:12:11,929
Ma, it's not your fault.
282
00:12:11,931 --> 00:12:13,331
The man looked at
his birth certificate,
283
00:12:13,333 --> 00:12:14,532
and he couldn't face it.
284
00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:16,600
Well, I'm beginning
to worry about him.
285
00:12:16,602 --> 00:12:18,001
What am I gonna do?
286
00:12:18,003 --> 00:12:19,236
Don't worry, Ma.
He's all right.
287
00:12:19,238 --> 00:12:20,838
Look, everybody's having
a good time in there.
288
00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:22,640
Let's go back in
the living room. Come on.
289
00:12:22,642 --> 00:12:25,209
Really, you ought to hear
Mr. Quigley sing. He's great.
290
00:12:25,211 --> 00:12:26,844
Oh, no.
Go on, Justin, sing.
291
00:12:26,846 --> 00:12:28,178
Sing "Henry" for them.
292
00:12:28,180 --> 00:12:29,547
Well, all right.
293
00:12:29,549 --> 00:12:31,549
I'll sing, but you've all
got to help me out.
294
00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:32,850
All right.
295
00:12:32,852 --> 00:12:36,487
♪ I'm Henry the Eighth, I am ♪
296
00:12:36,489 --> 00:12:39,890
♪ Henry the Eighth
I am, I am ♪
297
00:12:39,892 --> 00:12:43,193
♪ I got married
To the widow next door ♪
298
00:12:43,195 --> 00:12:45,996
♪ She'd been married
Seven times before ♪
299
00:12:45,998 --> 00:12:48,466
♪ And every one was a Henry ♪
300
00:12:48,468 --> 00:12:49,834
♪ Henry ♪
301
00:12:49,836 --> 00:12:52,636
♪ Never had a Willie or a Sam ♪
♪ Or a Sam ♪
302
00:12:52,638 --> 00:12:55,038
♪ I'm the eighth old man
Named Henry ♪
303
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:57,808
♪ Henry ♪
♪ Henry the Eighth, I am ♪
304
00:12:57,810 --> 00:12:59,877
ALL:
♪ I am ♪
305
00:13:04,816 --> 00:13:06,884
Everybody this time.
[PHONE RINGING]
306
00:13:06,886 --> 00:13:08,486
One more time!
307
00:13:08,488 --> 00:13:10,053
ALL: ♪ I'm Henry
the Eighth... ♪
308
00:13:10,055 --> 00:13:11,955
Ma, telephone
for you!
309
00:13:11,957 --> 00:13:14,558
Kelsey's.
Ooh. Hello, Mr. Kelsey.
310
00:13:16,395 --> 00:13:18,629
Hey, will you get off the phone
there, Kelsey,
311
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:20,564
and come and
pour me a beer?
312
00:13:20,566 --> 00:13:22,299
Sorry to keep you
waiting, Arch,
313
00:13:22,301 --> 00:13:24,167
but that was
kinda important.
314
00:13:24,169 --> 00:13:25,736
Yeah. It's
my birthday.
315
00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:28,972
I got to spend it
sitting here looking at you.
316
00:13:28,974 --> 00:13:30,608
Your birthday, huh?
317
00:13:30,610 --> 00:13:32,410
Well, seeing this is
a special day for you,
318
00:13:32,412 --> 00:13:33,711
that is on the house.
319
00:13:33,713 --> 00:13:34,779
Happy birthday to you.
320
00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:37,314
Oh, it's a lousy
birthday for me.
321
00:13:37,316 --> 00:13:39,717
Oh, gee, I'm sorry
you feel that way, Arch.
322
00:13:39,719 --> 00:13:42,119
Say, how old are you today?
Fifty-five? Fifty-six?
323
00:13:45,791 --> 00:13:47,291
Hey!
324
00:13:47,293 --> 00:13:49,493
KELSEY: What?
I'm 49.
325
00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:52,329
No kidding. Well, you sure
could have fooled me!
326
00:13:53,832 --> 00:13:55,833
Well, listen, what are you
going to do to celebrate?
327
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:56,834
Nothing.
328
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,201
I've been to the movies.
329
00:13:58,203 --> 00:13:59,537
What did you see?
330
00:13:59,539 --> 00:14:00,805
Uh...
331
00:14:00,807 --> 00:14:05,409
The Last Tango in Paris.
332
00:14:05,411 --> 00:14:07,611
Arch, I hear that's
kind of sexy, huh?
333
00:14:07,613 --> 00:14:09,179
You know,
I went in there thinking
334
00:14:09,181 --> 00:14:11,982
they was bringing back
one of them nice old movies.
335
00:14:11,984 --> 00:14:15,352
You know, Gene Kelly dancing
around the Eiffel Tower
336
00:14:15,354 --> 00:14:17,254
in a sailor suit.
337
00:14:17,256 --> 00:14:21,959
All I seen was pure pornography.
338
00:14:21,961 --> 00:14:23,461
Well, ain't that sexy?
339
00:14:23,463 --> 00:14:25,362
No, it ain't sexy.
340
00:14:25,364 --> 00:14:28,632
The last time they made a sexy
picture was with Gloria DeHaven.
341
00:14:28,634 --> 00:14:32,470
Gloria DeHaven
made sexy movies?
342
00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:34,538
Yeah.
She made sexy movies.
343
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:36,607
I tell you another one too,
Betty Grable.
344
00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:39,510
And she was sexy.
345
00:14:39,512 --> 00:14:43,213
But, you see, her, she never
showed you no sex, you know?
346
00:14:43,215 --> 00:14:44,782
What do you mean?
347
00:14:44,784 --> 00:14:46,249
What do I mean?
348
00:14:46,251 --> 00:14:48,652
She left it all in your,
what you call, imagination, see?
349
00:14:48,654 --> 00:14:51,421
She left it in your mind.
That's where sex ought to be.
350
00:14:51,423 --> 00:14:53,457
No.
351
00:14:53,459 --> 00:14:56,527
Not for me, Arch. No.
352
00:14:56,529 --> 00:14:58,729
N-n-not for you.
353
00:14:58,731 --> 00:15:01,799
I ain't talking about you.
I'm talking about the movies.
354
00:15:01,801 --> 00:15:03,667
Do you know that
they once insured
355
00:15:03,669 --> 00:15:06,570
Betty Grable's legs
for $1 million?
356
00:15:06,572 --> 00:15:08,138
No.
357
00:15:08,140 --> 00:15:12,510
I wouldn't give you two bits
for Marlo Brandon's legs.
358
00:15:15,179 --> 00:15:19,216
Or any other parts of him
I just seen featured.
359
00:15:22,387 --> 00:15:24,187
I get the feeling
you didn't like that movie.
360
00:15:24,189 --> 00:15:27,591
It was so filthy,
I nearly walked out of it.
361
00:15:28,793 --> 00:15:31,261
Hey! Hello there,
Mrs. Bunker!
362
00:15:31,263 --> 00:15:33,664
Oh, jeez!
363
00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:35,365
Hello, Mr. Kelsey.
364
00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:37,334
And what brings you
down here?
365
00:15:37,336 --> 00:15:40,671
Well, it was
your phone call.
366
00:15:40,673 --> 00:15:44,474
Ah-ha-ha-ha!
367
00:15:44,476 --> 00:15:47,044
So that's who you was talking to
on the phone there?
368
00:15:47,046 --> 00:15:48,478
Ain't nothing sacred no more?
369
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:51,916
Whatever happened to
"A man's bar is his castle"?
370
00:15:51,918 --> 00:15:55,452
Archie, don't blame Mr. Kelsey.
371
00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:58,756
Mike called him
and asked him to phone us
372
00:15:58,758 --> 00:16:00,257
if you came in here.
373
00:16:00,259 --> 00:16:02,192
Oh, the Meathead
done that.
374
00:16:02,194 --> 00:16:04,028
I suppose
that makes it all right.
375
00:16:04,030 --> 00:16:06,697
Oh, Archie, we was
worried about you.
376
00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:08,432
Come on back
to the party.
377
00:16:08,434 --> 00:16:09,700
No!
378
00:16:09,702 --> 00:16:10,868
I ain't going!
379
00:16:10,870 --> 00:16:13,370
Not if I have to be 50.
380
00:16:16,841 --> 00:16:18,175
What are you
standing there for?
381
00:16:18,177 --> 00:16:20,177
Long as you're here,
you might as well sit down.
382
00:16:20,179 --> 00:16:23,013
Hey, Kelsey, bring me over
another beer here
383
00:16:23,015 --> 00:16:25,916
and an Orange Crush
for the missus.
384
00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:29,319
Oh, Archie, everybody's
waiting for you.
385
00:16:29,321 --> 00:16:31,088
It's your birthday party.
386
00:16:31,090 --> 00:16:33,457
Listen, that ain't
my birthday party.
387
00:16:33,459 --> 00:16:36,026
My birthday is 49.
388
00:16:36,028 --> 00:16:37,561
Fifty!
389
00:16:37,563 --> 00:16:39,296
Gee.
390
00:16:40,799 --> 00:16:43,601
Fifty makes me think of all
the things I ain't done yet.
391
00:16:44,736 --> 00:16:46,637
Like what, Archie?
392
00:16:46,639 --> 00:16:48,939
Oh, I don't know, Edith,
a lot of things.
393
00:16:48,941 --> 00:16:53,677
Well, for instance,
I never rode a horse.
394
00:16:56,280 --> 00:16:59,650
I never had my picture
in the paper.
395
00:16:59,652 --> 00:17:03,654
And I ain't never ate
oysters rockefeller.
396
00:17:03,656 --> 00:17:07,124
But you've been
to Disney World.
397
00:17:09,393 --> 00:17:11,261
Edith, you just don't know
398
00:17:11,263 --> 00:17:13,363
what I'm trying
to say to you, do you?
399
00:17:13,365 --> 00:17:15,599
Oh, yeah, I think I do, Archie.
400
00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:17,968
I read about it
in a magazine.
401
00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:22,840
It said that lots of men
go through it at a certain age.
402
00:17:22,842 --> 00:17:26,977
I mean, it's like when
I went through the change.
403
00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:29,579
What?
404
00:17:31,549 --> 00:17:34,018
You know.
The menopause.
405
00:17:34,020 --> 00:17:35,886
Shush!
406
00:17:37,255 --> 00:17:40,223
Here we go. And this
is for our birthday boy.
407
00:17:40,225 --> 00:17:41,659
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
408
00:17:41,661 --> 00:17:43,426
I was thinking--
409
00:17:43,428 --> 00:17:46,463
Oh, don't do
no more of that.
410
00:17:46,465 --> 00:17:48,132
But ain't it funny?
411
00:17:48,134 --> 00:17:52,269
When it happens to a woman
it's called men-opause.
412
00:17:52,271 --> 00:17:54,404
Edith!
413
00:17:54,406 --> 00:17:56,273
Will you please, huh?
414
00:17:56,275 --> 00:18:01,278
When it happens to men, maybe it
should be called women-pause.
415
00:18:06,384 --> 00:18:12,322
Listen, I ain't going through
no change. That's it!
416
00:18:12,324 --> 00:18:13,824
[SIGHS]
417
00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:16,560
Jeez, it's getting hot in here.
418
00:18:20,264 --> 00:18:22,966
Hey, Kelsey, do you have to keep
this joint like a furnace?
419
00:18:27,172 --> 00:18:29,973
It ain't that!
420
00:18:29,975 --> 00:18:31,775
Oh, Archie!
421
00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:35,813
I almost forgot! I brought you
your birthday present.
422
00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:39,083
Huh? What?
A present?
423
00:18:39,085 --> 00:18:40,851
Yeah. Open it.
See what it is.
424
00:18:40,853 --> 00:18:42,652
Look at the size--
What is it, Edith?
425
00:18:42,654 --> 00:18:45,089
It's something
you've always wanted.
426
00:18:45,091 --> 00:18:47,357
Oh, yeah? For me?
Mm-hmm.
427
00:18:47,359 --> 00:18:49,359
Hey, ain't that nice?
The box and all.
428
00:18:49,361 --> 00:18:53,263
Oh, oh. Oh! Gee, Edith.
429
00:18:53,265 --> 00:18:56,266
Ain't that beautiful?
430
00:18:59,003 --> 00:19:01,471
A six-string ukulele.
431
00:19:01,473 --> 00:19:04,274
Just-- Just like
Arthur Godfrey's.
432
00:19:04,276 --> 00:19:06,810
Oh, yeah, I remember.
433
00:19:06,812 --> 00:19:08,779
Jeez, thanks, Edith.
434
00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:11,115
Happy birthday, Archie!
435
00:19:11,117 --> 00:19:12,783
Yeah.
436
00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:16,486
Well, what the hell good is it?
I can't play it.
437
00:19:18,890 --> 00:19:25,963
♪ Because God made
The stars to shine ♪
438
00:19:25,965 --> 00:19:31,835
♪ Because God made
The ivy twine ♪
439
00:19:31,837 --> 00:19:38,242
♪ Because God made
The sky so blue ♪
440
00:19:38,244 --> 00:19:42,279
♪ That is the reason ♪
441
00:19:42,281 --> 00:19:46,316
♪ Why I love ♪
442
00:19:46,318 --> 00:19:48,752
♪ You ♪
Oh, take me away.
443
00:19:53,591 --> 00:19:56,126
GLORIA: Oh, Ma,
did you find Daddy?
444
00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:58,328
Oh, yeah.
I found him.
445
00:19:58,330 --> 00:19:59,897
Where is he?
What happened?
446
00:19:59,899 --> 00:20:01,198
Didn't he come
back with you?
447
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,233
No.
Well, what did he say?
448
00:20:03,235 --> 00:20:07,805
He said, "Everybody, go home.
The party's over."
449
00:20:07,807 --> 00:20:10,707
ALL:
Oh, no.
450
00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:14,044
Does that mean
we can't eat the cake?
451
00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:15,979
Then when my kid
was six years old--
452
00:20:15,981 --> 00:20:18,282
Oh, gee.
453
00:20:18,284 --> 00:20:20,684
He was in the school
nativity play.
454
00:20:20,686 --> 00:20:23,386
Now, he practices all week
as the innkeeper.
455
00:20:23,388 --> 00:20:25,055
Then the night
they put the show on,
456
00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:26,957
he forgets his lines.
457
00:20:26,959 --> 00:20:30,794
When Joseph and Mary ask him
if there's any room at the inn,
458
00:20:30,796 --> 00:20:32,362
you know what my kid says?
459
00:20:32,364 --> 00:20:33,697
No. What?
460
00:20:33,699 --> 00:20:36,967
He says, "Sure, we're empty.
Come on in."
461
00:20:40,104 --> 00:20:42,840
Come on, Arch.
It's pretty funny.
462
00:20:42,842 --> 00:20:45,843
What's funny?
The kid's stupid.
463
00:20:48,980 --> 00:20:49,980
Oh, hi.
464
00:20:49,982 --> 00:20:51,381
KELSEY:
Evening, Mr. Quigley.
465
00:20:51,383 --> 00:20:53,817
Oh, hi there, Quigley.
Hey, where's your girlfriend?
466
00:20:53,819 --> 00:20:55,819
Ah, she went
home by cab.
467
00:20:55,821 --> 00:20:57,554
I felt like walking.
468
00:20:57,556 --> 00:20:59,957
I want one for the road.
What'll it be?
469
00:20:59,959 --> 00:21:01,892
A glass of ripple.
470
00:21:03,661 --> 00:21:05,863
Uh, gee, I think
we're out of it.
471
00:21:05,865 --> 00:21:09,432
Oh. In that case,
make it a boilermaker.
472
00:21:11,569 --> 00:21:13,270
Hey there, Quigley,
473
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:16,273
you're out a little bit past
your beddy-byes, ain't you?
474
00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:18,575
Yeah, but I thought,
well, I'm up this late,
475
00:21:18,577 --> 00:21:21,912
I may as well
hang around for my birthday.
476
00:21:21,914 --> 00:21:24,014
It's your
birthday too?
477
00:21:24,016 --> 00:21:27,251
At midnight,
I'll be 83 years old.
478
00:21:27,253 --> 00:21:28,418
Ooh.
479
00:21:28,420 --> 00:21:31,221
Eighty-three.
Did you hear that?
480
00:21:31,223 --> 00:21:33,290
And you're still
celebrating birthdays?
481
00:21:33,292 --> 00:21:35,125
Looking forward to it.
482
00:21:35,127 --> 00:21:37,227
You know what Jo's
giving me tomorrow?
483
00:21:37,229 --> 00:21:39,396
A set of
French-language records.
484
00:21:39,398 --> 00:21:41,498
You're going to
start learning French?
485
00:21:41,500 --> 00:21:44,101
Something I always
wanted to do.
486
00:21:44,103 --> 00:21:45,302
You mean to tell me
487
00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:47,637
you're planning on maybe
taking a trip to France?
488
00:21:47,639 --> 00:21:49,606
Well, you never know.
489
00:21:49,608 --> 00:21:52,910
You know the old saying,
"A rolling stone..."
490
00:21:52,912 --> 00:21:53,911
Yeah.
491
00:21:53,913 --> 00:21:56,746
"...can give you
a hell of a bruise."
492
00:22:01,920 --> 00:22:04,687
Hey, let me
ask you something, Quigley.
493
00:22:05,823 --> 00:22:08,025
Did you ever
ride a horse?
494
00:22:08,027 --> 00:22:10,593
Not 'til I was 63.
495
00:22:10,595 --> 00:22:13,130
Sixty-three?
496
00:22:13,132 --> 00:22:15,198
Mmm.
497
00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:16,967
What about a ukulele?
498
00:22:16,969 --> 00:22:20,470
I don't think you can
ride a ukulele.
499
00:22:24,708 --> 00:22:26,576
I didn't mean that.
I mean, uh, me.
500
00:22:26,578 --> 00:22:29,612
That I was thinking maybe
I'd learn how to play one.
501
00:22:29,614 --> 00:22:30,780
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
502
00:22:30,782 --> 00:22:33,616
You know, play some
of them nice songs
503
00:22:33,618 --> 00:22:36,686
like "Home on the Range,"
"South of Your Border."
504
00:22:36,688 --> 00:22:39,222
"Red Sails in the Sunset."
505
00:22:39,224 --> 00:22:42,292
Oh, yeah. Modern stuff.
Mm-hmm.
506
00:22:42,294 --> 00:22:45,495
You ought to hear the songs
I was brought up with.
507
00:22:45,497 --> 00:22:48,798
You young sprigs have missed out
on a lot of good tunes.
508
00:22:48,800 --> 00:22:51,034
Hey, hey, hey, hey. You hear
what he's calling us here?
509
00:22:51,036 --> 00:22:52,635
You and me,
young sprigs.
510
00:22:52,637 --> 00:22:53,937
[LAUGHS]
511
00:22:53,939 --> 00:22:57,140
Well, maybe to him we are
young sprigs, huh, Kels?
512
00:22:57,142 --> 00:22:59,476
And after all, maybe we are.
513
00:22:59,478 --> 00:23:00,610
Sure.
514
00:23:00,612 --> 00:23:03,046
You know what I'm
just thinking now?
515
00:23:03,048 --> 00:23:06,850
The best thing to do is not
look back at the past at all.
516
00:23:06,852 --> 00:23:09,019
Just get up and move
with the times.
517
00:23:09,021 --> 00:23:12,622
Mmm. I'll try to
remember that.
518
00:23:12,624 --> 00:23:16,159
Hey, listen, back at the house,
that birthday cake back there.
519
00:23:16,161 --> 00:23:17,627
Did they swallow it all?
520
00:23:17,629 --> 00:23:20,097
Oh, no. They saved
a big piece for you.
521
00:23:20,099 --> 00:23:21,931
Yeah? Come on!
Let's go get it.
522
00:23:21,933 --> 00:23:23,666
Oh, that won't
be necessary.
523
00:23:23,668 --> 00:23:25,535
You just hold on
for a minute.
524
00:23:25,537 --> 00:23:28,472
Huh?
Hey, come on in, gang!
525
00:23:28,474 --> 00:23:30,474
Here we are!
526
00:23:30,476 --> 00:23:33,843
ALL:
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
527
00:23:33,845 --> 00:23:37,780
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
528
00:23:37,782 --> 00:23:42,219
♪ Happy birthday, dear Archie ♪
529
00:23:42,221 --> 00:23:48,425
♪ Happy 50th birthday
To you ♪
530
00:23:52,497 --> 00:23:55,365
[INAUDIBLE]
531
00:24:01,505 --> 00:24:04,341
[PLUCKING SOUR NOTES]
532
00:24:06,377 --> 00:24:12,049
Is it really very hard
to learn to play, Archie?
533
00:24:12,051 --> 00:24:14,284
Well, certainly
it's hard, Edith.
534
00:24:14,286 --> 00:24:17,587
It's a six-string
ukulele here.
535
00:24:17,589 --> 00:24:20,290
I only got five fingers.
536
00:24:39,143 --> 00:24:42,912
["REMEMBERING YOU" PLAYING]
537
00:24:42,914 --> 00:24:46,916
ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recordedon tape before a live audience.
538
00:24:46,966 --> 00:24:51,516
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
38666
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