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1
00:00:02,835 --> 00:00:05,670
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:09,340
♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪
3
00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:13,011
♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪
4
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:16,280
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:16,282 --> 00:00:20,284
♪ And you knewWhere you were then ♪
6
00:00:20,286 --> 00:00:23,622
♪ Girls were girlsAnd men were men ♪
7
00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:30,394
♪ Mister, we could use a manLike Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:30,396 --> 00:00:32,363
♪ Didn't needNo welfare state ♪
9
00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:36,534
♪ Everybody pulledHis weight ♪
10
00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:40,872
♪ Gee, our old LaSalleRan great ♪
11
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:46,678
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:54,120 --> 00:00:55,486
[DOORBELL RINGS]
13
00:00:55,488 --> 00:00:58,990
Merry Christmas, whoever it is!
14
00:00:58,992 --> 00:01:00,158
Oh, hiya, Frank.
15
00:01:00,160 --> 00:01:01,760
Happy holiday, Gloria.
Come on in.
16
00:01:01,762 --> 00:01:05,463
I just came over to bring Edith
my famous Italian fruitcake.
17
00:01:05,465 --> 00:01:07,065
I baked it special.
18
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,700
Ooh, that looks good.
19
00:01:08,702 --> 00:01:11,302
Hey, uh, how do you say
"fruitcake" in Italian?
20
00:01:11,304 --> 00:01:13,138
"Fruit-a-cake-a!"
21
00:01:13,140 --> 00:01:15,774
No, actually
it's called panettone.
22
00:01:15,776 --> 00:01:17,142
Where's Edith?
23
00:01:17,144 --> 00:01:19,210
Oh, she's gone to the doctor.
She'll be back soon.
24
00:01:19,212 --> 00:01:20,645
She went for
a semi-annual checkup.
25
00:01:20,647 --> 00:01:21,980
Oh, that's smart.
26
00:01:21,982 --> 00:01:25,283
Yeah, it's been three years
since her last one.
27
00:01:25,285 --> 00:01:26,985
Hey, that's beautiful.
28
00:01:26,987 --> 00:01:28,586
Can I help?
I'm pretty good at this.
29
00:01:28,588 --> 00:01:30,088
Oh, yeah.
Jump right in.
30
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:33,424
You know something? Irene and I
are like kids about Christmas.
31
00:01:33,426 --> 00:01:35,026
We still hang up our stockings
every year.
32
00:01:35,028 --> 00:01:36,394
Really?
33
00:01:36,396 --> 00:01:39,397
Yeah, but it's not fair.
Irene gets twice as much as me.
34
00:01:39,399 --> 00:01:40,665
Oh, how come?
35
00:01:40,667 --> 00:01:43,735
She hangs up her pantyhose.
36
00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:45,269
I love Christmas
too, Frank,
37
00:01:45,271 --> 00:01:47,138
even if it is full
of male chauvinism.
38
00:01:47,140 --> 00:01:48,272
What are you
talking about?
39
00:01:48,274 --> 00:01:50,474
Well, for openers,
Santa Claus is a man,
40
00:01:50,476 --> 00:01:52,811
and Christmas is all men,
even the songs.
41
00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:53,812
Now, wait a minute.
42
00:01:53,814 --> 00:01:55,413
"God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen."
43
00:01:55,415 --> 00:01:57,381
"Good King Wenceslas."
44
00:01:57,383 --> 00:01:59,617
"The Little Drummer Boy."
But, Gloria!
45
00:01:59,619 --> 00:02:01,619
And how about "Peace on earth,
goodwill toward men"?
46
00:02:01,621 --> 00:02:03,922
See? Christmas is nothing
but men, men, men.
47
00:02:03,924 --> 00:02:05,056
Except for one woman.
48
00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:06,791
Who?
The Virgin Mary.
49
00:02:06,793 --> 00:02:08,626
Without her,
there'd be no Christmas.
50
00:02:08,628 --> 00:02:10,895
Oh. Yeah.
51
00:02:12,497 --> 00:02:14,365
[DOORBELL RINGING]
52
00:02:14,367 --> 00:02:15,366
Oh.
53
00:02:15,368 --> 00:02:18,103
Merry Christmas, whoever it is!
54
00:02:21,640 --> 00:02:22,874
Hello there!
55
00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:24,142
Michael!
56
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:26,310
Wrong! It's not Michael.
It's Dr. Cronkite.
57
00:02:26,312 --> 00:02:28,346
Hello there, buster.
How are you doing, pal?
58
00:02:28,348 --> 00:02:29,781
Take my coat there, nurse.
59
00:02:29,783 --> 00:02:31,382
Are you my nurse?
Uh, yeah.
60
00:02:31,384 --> 00:02:32,751
No, no.
You couldn't be.
61
00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:34,085
You don't look
like my nurse.
62
00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:36,087
Hold this a second here.
We put these on here.
63
00:02:36,089 --> 00:02:37,822
There! Now you look
like my nurse.
64
00:02:37,824 --> 00:02:39,224
Hello there, nurse.
Want to fool around?
65
00:02:39,226 --> 00:02:41,492
[LAUGHING]
66
00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:42,593
Uh, hey, uh, doctor--
67
00:02:42,595 --> 00:02:44,229
Yes. What is it?
What about your patient?
68
00:02:44,231 --> 00:02:45,930
This? Oh, no, no, no.
He couldn't be.
69
00:02:45,932 --> 00:02:47,331
He doesn't look
like my patient.
70
00:02:47,333 --> 00:02:49,700
One second there, buster.
We put these on.
71
00:02:49,702 --> 00:02:52,237
There! Now you look
like my patient.
72
00:02:52,239 --> 00:02:53,738
You're my doctor?
73
00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:54,906
That's right!
74
00:02:54,908 --> 00:02:56,074
I'm leaving.
75
00:02:56,076 --> 00:02:58,209
Hello, Mr. Leaving.
Nice to meet you.
76
00:02:58,211 --> 00:02:59,410
Stick out your tongue.
77
00:02:59,412 --> 00:03:00,678
Ahh!
78
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:01,980
You know what's
wrong with you?
79
00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:02,981
What?
Nothing.
80
00:03:02,983 --> 00:03:05,216
But your tongue's
very sick.
81
00:03:05,218 --> 00:03:06,751
I demand a second opinion.
82
00:03:06,753 --> 00:03:08,853
Good. Come back
and see me again tomorrow.
83
00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:11,856
Somebody's coming.
Somebody's coming.
84
00:03:15,995 --> 00:03:17,495
Hi, Ma!
85
00:03:17,497 --> 00:03:19,530
[LAUGHING]
86
00:03:19,532 --> 00:03:21,166
Who's this here?
87
00:03:21,168 --> 00:03:23,168
Uh, doctor,
this is my mother.
88
00:03:23,170 --> 00:03:25,003
No, no, that
couldn't be right.
89
00:03:25,005 --> 00:03:26,237
She doesn't look
like your mother.
90
00:03:26,239 --> 00:03:27,672
Hold on one second there.
91
00:03:27,674 --> 00:03:29,340
Here. We put these on.
92
00:03:29,342 --> 00:03:31,575
Now you look like
her mother.
93
00:03:32,711 --> 00:03:33,945
Hello there, mother.
94
00:03:33,947 --> 00:03:37,348
Oh, my, you all
look so funny.
95
00:03:37,350 --> 00:03:38,983
[LAUGHING]
96
00:03:38,985 --> 00:03:41,752
You don't look like no
raving beauty yourself there.
97
00:03:41,754 --> 00:03:43,788
Where did you
get these?
98
00:03:43,790 --> 00:03:45,523
There was a big sale
at Mahoney's.
99
00:03:45,525 --> 00:03:47,192
You want to go to
the Hottentot Club?
100
00:03:47,194 --> 00:03:48,893
[LAUGHING]
101
00:03:48,895 --> 00:03:51,196
I haven't laughed so much
for days.
102
00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:52,596
Hey, mother,
you want to fool around?
103
00:03:52,598 --> 00:03:54,365
My nurse won't mind.
She's very understanding.
104
00:03:54,367 --> 00:03:56,167
Whoa, whoa!
105
00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:57,969
[LAUGHING]
106
00:03:57,971 --> 00:04:02,573
Oh, my! I feel
so much better.
107
00:04:02,575 --> 00:04:04,008
Much better?
Was something wrong?
108
00:04:04,010 --> 00:04:05,310
Oh, no, no.
109
00:04:05,312 --> 00:04:07,912
I mean,
I'm enjoying it.
110
00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:10,681
Edith, I brought you
my special panettone.
111
00:04:10,683 --> 00:04:12,851
Fruitcake à laLorenzo.
112
00:04:12,853 --> 00:04:16,487
Frank! Oh, thank you!
113
00:04:16,489 --> 00:04:18,223
Oh, hey, Ma,
how'd your checkup go?
114
00:04:18,225 --> 00:04:20,691
Fine, just fine.
115
00:04:20,693 --> 00:04:24,262
This looks so good, I think
I'll take it in the kitchen.
116
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:28,867
I got a wonderful idea. Archie
will be here in a few minutes.
117
00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:31,202
Let's all put these on again
and surprise him.
118
00:04:31,204 --> 00:04:32,070
Good idea.
119
00:04:44,283 --> 00:04:45,783
[DOORBELL RINGS]
120
00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:47,785
Go hide up there.
Go hide up there.
121
00:05:01,767 --> 00:05:04,869
What are you doing
with that on?
122
00:05:04,871 --> 00:05:07,071
The same thing you're doing
with that on, buster.
123
00:05:07,073 --> 00:05:09,874
Oh, get away from me,
you smart guy!
124
00:05:09,876 --> 00:05:12,510
You always got to spoil
everybody's fun here.
125
00:05:12,512 --> 00:05:14,379
Hiya, Daddy!
Hello, Archie!
126
00:05:16,481 --> 00:05:17,916
Now, you put them
up to that.
127
00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:19,150
Now, where's your mother?
128
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:20,351
GLORIA:
In the kitchen.
129
00:05:20,353 --> 00:05:22,053
All right, everybody,
now, just shut up.
130
00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:24,989
Let me try to get a little fun
out of this thing, huh?
131
00:05:26,125 --> 00:05:27,892
Hey, Edith,
come on out here.
132
00:05:27,894 --> 00:05:29,727
I got something
to show you.
133
00:05:29,729 --> 00:05:31,162
Be right out!
134
00:05:33,765 --> 00:05:35,934
Oh, ain't that nice?
135
00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:38,102
Mike got one
for you too.
136
00:05:38,104 --> 00:05:39,938
He didn't get me nothing.
137
00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:41,339
I bought a whole bag
of them.
138
00:05:41,341 --> 00:05:43,408
It was my idea,
not the Meathead's.
139
00:05:43,410 --> 00:05:46,411
I'm sorry, Arch.
Great minds think alike.
140
00:05:46,413 --> 00:05:47,812
If I had a mind
like yours,
141
00:05:47,814 --> 00:05:49,914
I'd take it out
and I'd get it shot.
142
00:05:49,916 --> 00:05:52,417
[LAUGHING]
143
00:05:54,320 --> 00:05:57,655
Will you stifle yourself
and get dinner on the table?
144
00:05:57,657 --> 00:05:59,424
But you look so funny.
145
00:05:59,426 --> 00:06:02,526
I said stifle yourself.
Get dinner on the table.
146
00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:03,527
Yeah. Right away.
147
00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:04,595
GLORIA:
Daddy!
148
00:06:04,597 --> 00:06:06,497
Do you have to
talk to her like that?
149
00:06:06,499 --> 00:06:07,565
Hey, hey! Hey there.
150
00:06:07,567 --> 00:06:08,899
Watch your language,
little girl.
151
00:06:08,901 --> 00:06:10,301
That ain't a "her"
you're talking about.
152
00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:11,569
That's your mother.
153
00:06:11,571 --> 00:06:14,138
All right. Do you have to
talk to Ma like that?
154
00:06:14,140 --> 00:06:18,509
When she's doing
something stupid, yeah.
155
00:06:18,511 --> 00:06:20,611
What is stupid about
trying to have a little fun
156
00:06:20,613 --> 00:06:21,645
at Christmas time?
157
00:06:22,781 --> 00:06:23,814
Scrooge!
Ohh!
158
00:06:23,816 --> 00:06:25,450
Ma.
159
00:06:25,452 --> 00:06:27,852
Is there anything
I can help you with?
160
00:06:27,854 --> 00:06:29,954
Ma?
161
00:06:29,956 --> 00:06:31,322
What, Gloria?
162
00:06:31,324 --> 00:06:32,357
Uh, your pot's full.
163
00:06:32,359 --> 00:06:34,558
Oh, yeah. Thank you.
164
00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:37,362
Don't let Daddy bother you.
He's just an old grouch.
165
00:06:37,364 --> 00:06:40,999
Your father's
a wonderful person, Gloria.
166
00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:42,867
Don't you
never forget that.
167
00:06:44,636 --> 00:06:46,437
Ma, you see
what you just did?
168
00:06:46,439 --> 00:06:48,039
You just
filled that up.
169
00:06:48,041 --> 00:06:50,608
Oh, yeah.
170
00:06:50,610 --> 00:06:55,513
Can you get me the cover
to this pot, please, Gloria?
171
00:06:55,515 --> 00:06:57,815
Isn't that it?
172
00:06:57,817 --> 00:07:00,818
Oh, yeah.
173
00:07:00,820 --> 00:07:03,521
Ma, what's
the matter?
174
00:07:03,523 --> 00:07:05,056
Oh, nothing's the matter.
175
00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:08,692
I just forgot that the cover
to the pot was there.
176
00:07:08,694 --> 00:07:11,095
You forget things sometimes,
don't you?
177
00:07:11,097 --> 00:07:12,130
Well, sure, Ma.
178
00:07:12,132 --> 00:07:14,365
And I'm older than you,
179
00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:17,835
so I got a lot more things
to forget than you.
180
00:07:17,837 --> 00:07:21,372
Ma, something's wrong.
I know you.
181
00:07:21,374 --> 00:07:25,343
Now, why does everybody
around here think they know me?
182
00:07:25,345 --> 00:07:29,980
Remember, Gloria,
deep waters run very still.
183
00:07:32,984 --> 00:07:34,385
But, Ma--
184
00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:37,221
I've known me a lot longer
than you have,
185
00:07:37,223 --> 00:07:39,924
so don't go around
saying you know me.
186
00:07:39,926 --> 00:07:41,359
Okay.
187
00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:44,429
Okay. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you.
188
00:07:44,431 --> 00:07:47,098
I got a lump in my breast.
189
00:07:49,301 --> 00:07:50,568
What did you just say?
190
00:07:52,804 --> 00:07:54,705
I got a lump in--
191
00:07:54,707 --> 00:07:57,241
Ohh, Ma!
192
00:07:57,243 --> 00:08:02,813
That's the first time
I said it out loud.
193
00:08:02,815 --> 00:08:04,482
Oh, will you
look at this?
194
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:07,518
The Meathead's eating
the popcorn off the tree.
195
00:08:09,088 --> 00:08:12,156
Next thing, he'll be
eating the leaves.
196
00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:14,258
Why not, Arch?
197
00:08:14,260 --> 00:08:16,327
That's how that nature guy
Euell Gibbons
198
00:08:16,329 --> 00:08:19,230
gets rid of his Christmas trees
after the holidays.
199
00:08:19,232 --> 00:08:21,432
He eats them.
200
00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:22,433
[DOORBELL RINGS]
201
00:08:22,435 --> 00:08:23,801
Oh! I bet
that's Irene.
202
00:08:23,803 --> 00:08:24,868
Hold it, Frank.
Hold it.
203
00:08:24,870 --> 00:08:26,104
Let me answer
the door, huh?
204
00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:27,138
Let me go.
205
00:08:27,140 --> 00:08:29,307
Let me have
at least one more try
206
00:08:29,309 --> 00:08:31,842
at having
a little fun here, huh?
207
00:08:34,313 --> 00:08:36,914
Hi, Archie.
Is Frank here?
208
00:08:36,916 --> 00:08:38,849
Come on, now, Irene.
209
00:08:38,851 --> 00:08:41,452
Don't make out like you don't
notice nothing different.
210
00:08:41,454 --> 00:08:44,422
Oh, yes, you do look different.
What did you do, get a haircut?
211
00:08:44,424 --> 00:08:46,290
Ohh!
212
00:08:46,292 --> 00:08:47,825
Come on in, Irene.
213
00:08:47,827 --> 00:08:50,728
Oh, oh, oh!
Don't we look terrific?
214
00:08:50,730 --> 00:08:52,062
Like it?
215
00:08:52,064 --> 00:08:56,467
♪ Vieni quiVieni qui, amore ♪
216
00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:57,768
Look at this guy.
217
00:08:57,770 --> 00:09:00,471
He slobbers his wife
no matter where he finds her.
218
00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:04,975
Because no matter where
I find her, she turns me on.
219
00:09:04,977 --> 00:09:06,944
Kiss me, amore.
220
00:09:06,946 --> 00:09:11,415
Ah, Frank, you ain't got
no class at all.
221
00:09:11,417 --> 00:09:15,253
That's the funniest-looking
thing I ever saw.
222
00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:17,855
What do you mean?
I got one on too.
223
00:09:17,857 --> 00:09:21,526
Yeah, that's
not so funny.
224
00:09:21,528 --> 00:09:22,527
Good night, Arch.
225
00:09:22,529 --> 00:09:25,062
Yeah, good night,
good night.
226
00:09:25,064 --> 00:09:26,063
Jeez.
227
00:09:26,065 --> 00:09:27,064
Bye, Archie.
228
00:09:27,066 --> 00:09:28,499
Oh, cut it out, Irene.
229
00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:29,700
[LAUGHING]
230
00:09:29,702 --> 00:09:31,735
Hey, don't poke me,
huh, Frank?
231
00:09:31,737 --> 00:09:34,238
Would you do that?
Don't poke me.
232
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:35,506
[MIKE LAUGHING]
233
00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:36,707
What are you
laughing at?
234
00:09:36,709 --> 00:09:38,476
Oh, gee. Here.
235
00:09:38,478 --> 00:09:40,778
Edith, get supper
on the table, huh?
236
00:09:40,780 --> 00:09:42,513
I'm going upstairs
to wash.
237
00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:46,617
Dinner will be ready
in a few minutes, Archie.
238
00:09:46,619 --> 00:09:50,688
Gloria, put the dressing
on the salad.
239
00:09:50,690 --> 00:09:52,690
Ma--
240
00:09:52,692 --> 00:09:56,460
Ma, what exactly
did the doctor say?
241
00:09:56,462 --> 00:10:00,030
Well, he said I gotta
go back again tomorrow
242
00:10:00,032 --> 00:10:02,400
to be examined
by a surgeon.
243
00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:03,834
A surgeon!
What does that mean?
244
00:10:03,836 --> 00:10:07,438
Oh, nothing, Gloria.
Don't worry.
245
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:11,642
The doctor told me today
that nine times out of ten,
246
00:10:11,644 --> 00:10:13,177
they find it's nothing.
247
00:10:13,179 --> 00:10:14,745
Just nothing.
248
00:10:14,747 --> 00:10:16,880
Ma, are you sure
you're telling me everything?
249
00:10:16,882 --> 00:10:17,881
Yeah.
250
00:10:17,883 --> 00:10:19,049
Did you know about this
251
00:10:19,051 --> 00:10:20,651
before you went to see
the doctor today?
252
00:10:20,653 --> 00:10:23,688
Yeah. That's
the lucky part.
253
00:10:23,690 --> 00:10:26,724
Lucky?
I found it myself.
254
00:10:26,726 --> 00:10:27,991
How?
255
00:10:27,993 --> 00:10:30,861
Well, I was reading an article
in this magazine.
256
00:10:30,863 --> 00:10:34,365
It showed you how to
examine yourself yourself.
257
00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:39,036
And that's what I did.
I examined myself myself.
258
00:10:39,038 --> 00:10:40,438
Here, let me help you
with this--
259
00:10:40,440 --> 00:10:42,607
No, no.
I'd rather keep busy.
260
00:10:42,609 --> 00:10:46,344
Ma, when are you going to
tell Daddy about this?
261
00:10:46,346 --> 00:10:48,812
Never. And don't you
tell him neither.
262
00:10:48,814 --> 00:10:51,215
But, Ma,
he's got to know!
263
00:10:51,217 --> 00:10:52,416
Oh, no, Gloria.
264
00:10:52,418 --> 00:10:55,553
Your father has enough to
think about down at work.
265
00:10:55,555 --> 00:10:58,956
All that packing
and loading and lifting.
266
00:10:58,958 --> 00:11:01,525
You got to
promise me, Gloria,
267
00:11:01,527 --> 00:11:03,628
that you'll not say
one word to him
268
00:11:03,630 --> 00:11:06,497
about me being examined
by a surgeon, please.
269
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:10,000
And don't say nothing
to Mike neither. Please.
270
00:11:10,002 --> 00:11:11,469
GLORIA:
All right, Ma.
271
00:11:15,874 --> 00:11:16,741
Hey.
272
00:11:18,343 --> 00:11:19,977
Hey!
273
00:11:21,680 --> 00:11:24,181
What's the matter with you?
You look like you seen a ghost.
274
00:11:24,183 --> 00:11:27,351
[SILLILY]
Ah, well, uh, that just...
275
00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:28,919
"ghost" to show you.
276
00:11:28,921 --> 00:11:29,987
[GROANS]
277
00:11:29,989 --> 00:11:31,289
Step right over here,
madam.
278
00:11:31,291 --> 00:11:36,727
What are you doing?
Get away from me, will you?
279
00:11:36,729 --> 00:11:39,830
Better start mixing toothpaste
with your shampoo.
280
00:11:39,832 --> 00:11:42,500
You're getting a cavity
in your brain.
281
00:12:03,588 --> 00:12:06,089
Gloria, I still don't see how
we can keep it from Archie.
282
00:12:06,091 --> 00:12:08,326
Honey, we got to.
I promised Ma.
283
00:12:08,328 --> 00:12:11,128
Do you realize how mad
he's gonna be if he finds out?
284
00:12:11,130 --> 00:12:12,463
He'll probably hit somebody.
285
00:12:12,465 --> 00:12:14,532
Probably me.
286
00:12:14,534 --> 00:12:16,334
Mike, you gotta
cover for us,
287
00:12:16,336 --> 00:12:17,435
because I gotta
take Ma
288
00:12:17,437 --> 00:12:19,036
to see the surgeon today
at the hospital.
289
00:12:19,038 --> 00:12:20,170
Yeah, yeah,
look at this.
290
00:12:20,172 --> 00:12:22,506
This makes me mad enough
to want to hit somebody.
291
00:12:22,508 --> 00:12:25,810
The government is spending
$950 million on the Nimitz.
292
00:12:25,812 --> 00:12:27,244
What's the Nimitz?
293
00:12:27,246 --> 00:12:28,912
It's a new aircraft carrier.
294
00:12:28,914 --> 00:12:30,414
Nine hundred and fifty million!
295
00:12:30,416 --> 00:12:31,749
That's over twice as much
296
00:12:31,751 --> 00:12:33,951
as the country spends on
cancer research in a whole year!
297
00:12:33,953 --> 00:12:35,953
On a carrier! I don't
believe it! Look at this!
298
00:12:35,955 --> 00:12:38,389
Michael, shh!
Oh, yeah, sorry.
299
00:12:38,391 --> 00:12:39,423
A carrier?
300
00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:42,192
Who's the carrier?
301
00:12:42,194 --> 00:12:45,663
Typhoid Meathead over here?
302
00:12:45,665 --> 00:12:46,897
What's all this about?
303
00:12:46,899 --> 00:12:50,300
Everybody up, 7:30, so early
on a Saturday morning?
304
00:12:50,302 --> 00:12:52,035
Well, we're just talking.
305
00:12:52,037 --> 00:12:55,305
Oh, don't give me that.
There's something going on.
306
00:12:55,307 --> 00:12:56,540
What I mean to say,
307
00:12:56,542 --> 00:12:59,943
there's something rotten
in the state of Denver.
308
00:12:59,945 --> 00:13:01,945
Daddy, nothing's
going on.
309
00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:04,114
Well, how come that
Meathead clams up
310
00:13:04,116 --> 00:13:05,249
every time I come close?
311
00:13:05,251 --> 00:13:06,617
That ain't natural.
312
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:08,085
I was just thinking.
313
00:13:08,087 --> 00:13:10,087
That ain't natural neither.
314
00:13:11,656 --> 00:13:12,723
Where's the coffee, little girl?
315
00:13:12,725 --> 00:13:14,124
Oh, I'll get
it for you.
316
00:13:14,126 --> 00:13:16,093
Hurry up,
hurry up.
317
00:13:16,095 --> 00:13:17,762
Daddy's up.
He wants coffee.
318
00:13:17,764 --> 00:13:19,963
How is Archie
taking it?
319
00:13:19,965 --> 00:13:21,799
Oh, he don't know.
320
00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,634
He doesn't know?
321
00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:25,235
GLORIA:
No, he doesn't.
322
00:13:25,237 --> 00:13:28,439
But he's getting
awfully suspicious.
323
00:13:28,441 --> 00:13:29,973
I don't get it,
Edith.
324
00:13:29,975 --> 00:13:32,910
You didn't tell Archie,
but you told Mike and Gloria?
325
00:13:32,912 --> 00:13:34,779
Well, I had to tell them
326
00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:37,748
so they'd know
what not to tell Archie.
327
00:13:40,251 --> 00:13:43,788
Maybe you ought to iron
the other sleeve for a change.
328
00:13:43,790 --> 00:13:46,056
Oh, yeah.
329
00:13:46,058 --> 00:13:50,828
Irene, I ain't talked
about this to Gloria
330
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,663
because I didn't
want to worry her,
331
00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:57,167
but suppose I have to have
one of them operations.
332
00:13:57,169 --> 00:13:59,937
Oh, look, it's probably
just a little cyst.
333
00:13:59,939 --> 00:14:01,539
That's all it usually is.
334
00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:04,207
But what if
this time it ain't?
335
00:14:04,209 --> 00:14:06,410
Then have the operation.
336
00:14:06,412 --> 00:14:08,446
It's a great way
to save your life.
337
00:14:10,181 --> 00:14:11,949
There's one big
drawback, though.
338
00:14:11,951 --> 00:14:13,417
What's that?
339
00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:14,852
You get well
and you have to
340
00:14:14,854 --> 00:14:17,621
keep cooking
and ironing for Archie.
341
00:14:17,623 --> 00:14:20,190
Oh! Oh, Irene!
342
00:14:20,192 --> 00:14:21,892
That's better now, you see.
343
00:14:21,894 --> 00:14:23,694
Dummy up!
344
00:14:32,203 --> 00:14:34,338
What is this, huh?
345
00:14:34,340 --> 00:14:37,808
Every time I come near people,
they shut up,
346
00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:42,279
like I was the Spanish
Inquisition or something.
347
00:14:42,281 --> 00:14:44,815
Just a little
girl talk, Archie.
348
00:14:44,817 --> 00:14:46,817
What are you doing
over here so early, Irene?
349
00:14:46,819 --> 00:14:49,753
Did you have a fight
with the Italian lover boy?
350
00:14:49,755 --> 00:14:54,758
No. Edith and I are holding
a secret Tupperware party.
351
00:14:54,760 --> 00:14:57,160
Yeah, well, secret's the word,
352
00:14:57,162 --> 00:14:59,864
because I think that
something very suspicious
353
00:14:59,866 --> 00:15:01,699
is being cooked up
around here.
354
00:15:01,701 --> 00:15:03,133
Oh, there's not!
355
00:15:03,135 --> 00:15:06,436
I was just telling Edith about
my sister getting pregnant.
356
00:15:06,438 --> 00:15:08,772
Who, the nun?
357
00:15:11,676 --> 00:15:13,477
Not her,
my other sister.
358
00:15:13,479 --> 00:15:15,212
Really, Irene?
359
00:15:15,214 --> 00:15:18,148
Yeah, and after she swore
she'd never have another baby
360
00:15:18,150 --> 00:15:20,784
after all the trouble she went
through with the first one.
361
00:15:20,786 --> 00:15:24,722
And you know, Edith,
she was in heavy labor.
362
00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:26,824
Fifteen hours!
Arggh.
363
00:15:26,826 --> 00:15:29,326
And then they thought
it was going to be a breech--
364
00:15:29,328 --> 00:15:32,162
Irene! Mixed company,
Irene, huh!
365
00:15:32,164 --> 00:15:35,165
Mixed company, really!
366
00:15:35,167 --> 00:15:37,768
Can't you be delicate?
367
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:41,171
Oh, thank you!
368
00:15:41,173 --> 00:15:45,108
Irene, can I
ask you something?
369
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:46,176
Of course.
370
00:15:46,178 --> 00:15:48,311
Sit down.
371
00:15:51,349 --> 00:15:54,919
When Archie and me
was first going together,
372
00:15:54,921 --> 00:15:57,588
we used to go out dancing a lot.
373
00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:58,756
And--
374
00:15:58,758 --> 00:16:02,760
Oh, I ain't never
told no one this before,
375
00:16:02,762 --> 00:16:08,766
but while we was dancing,
Archie used to sing in my ear.
376
00:16:08,768 --> 00:16:10,634
Archie?
377
00:16:10,636 --> 00:16:11,702
Yeah.
378
00:16:11,704 --> 00:16:14,104
And his favorite song was:
379
00:16:14,106 --> 00:16:15,873
♪ You're the tops ♪
380
00:16:15,875 --> 00:16:17,474
♪ You're the Tower of Pisa ♪
381
00:16:17,476 --> 00:16:19,342
♪ You're the tops ♪
382
00:16:19,344 --> 00:16:23,080
♪ You're the smile
On the Mona Lisa ♪
383
00:16:23,082 --> 00:16:24,882
And all evening
384
00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:28,852
I would go around
trying to smile for Archie
385
00:16:28,854 --> 00:16:30,120
like the Mona Lisa.
386
00:16:30,122 --> 00:16:31,989
You know--
387
00:16:36,995 --> 00:16:38,395
IRENE:
Oh, Edith!
388
00:16:40,799 --> 00:16:43,767
What was it
you wanted to ask me?
389
00:16:47,405 --> 00:16:50,975
I'm afraid
if I have this operation,
390
00:16:50,977 --> 00:16:55,045
Archie won't think of me
in the same way.
391
00:16:55,047 --> 00:16:58,281
Oh, Edith,
stop scaring yourself.
392
00:16:58,283 --> 00:17:01,619
Archie loves you,
and nothing's gonna change that.
393
00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:04,955
But I'm gonna change a lot.
394
00:17:04,957 --> 00:17:07,858
Yes, and even if you
have to have the operation,
395
00:17:07,860 --> 00:17:09,893
it's still gonna be all right.
396
00:17:09,895 --> 00:17:11,361
Believe me.
397
00:17:11,363 --> 00:17:12,930
You don't know.
398
00:17:14,398 --> 00:17:17,101
That's just the point,
Edith. I do know.
399
00:17:17,103 --> 00:17:19,103
I know.
400
00:17:22,774 --> 00:17:25,475
You mean, you--?
401
00:17:25,477 --> 00:17:26,844
Six years ago.
402
00:17:26,846 --> 00:17:29,613
And you see how
Frank and I get along.
403
00:17:29,615 --> 00:17:32,016
It hasn't made one bit
of difference in our marriage.
404
00:17:33,885 --> 00:17:36,286
Don't bother looking,
Edith.
405
00:17:39,524 --> 00:17:41,591
I-I wasn't.
406
00:17:44,595 --> 00:17:47,430
You can't tell,
and there's no use asking me.
407
00:17:47,432 --> 00:17:50,367
Oh, no, I wouldn't
think of asking.
408
00:17:50,369 --> 00:17:53,704
I mean, I'd think of it,
but I wouldn't ask.
409
00:17:53,706 --> 00:17:55,105
Oh, no!
410
00:17:56,274 --> 00:18:01,211
Oh, Irene! You made me
feel so much better!
411
00:18:01,213 --> 00:18:03,446
Oh, darling!
412
00:18:05,349 --> 00:18:07,685
I don't believe it.
Will you look at this here?
413
00:18:07,687 --> 00:18:09,119
More Christmas cards!
414
00:18:09,121 --> 00:18:12,455
Why doesn't everybody just
get together and yell, "Enough"?
415
00:18:12,457 --> 00:18:15,125
What is the matter
with you today?
416
00:18:15,127 --> 00:18:16,459
Nothing.
417
00:18:16,461 --> 00:18:18,696
Jeez, you're even
knocking Christmas now.
418
00:18:18,698 --> 00:18:21,865
I'm not knocking Christmas,
I'm knocking Christmas cards.
419
00:18:21,867 --> 00:18:25,235
Ah, you'd knock anything
that wasn't food.
420
00:18:25,237 --> 00:18:28,806
Archie, it's a total waste
of money and paper.
421
00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:31,241
What are you talking about?
422
00:18:31,243 --> 00:18:32,576
It ain't the money,
423
00:18:32,578 --> 00:18:34,845
it's the beautiful thoughts
behind them things.
424
00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:36,780
Oh, yeah, you mean
like this one.
425
00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:38,916
"Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Year
426
00:18:38,918 --> 00:18:41,051
to all you folks
we hold so dear."
427
00:18:41,053 --> 00:18:43,687
All right,
that's a beautiful thought.
428
00:18:43,689 --> 00:18:46,056
"So call us first
when your pipes are burst.
429
00:18:46,058 --> 00:18:48,058
Paragon Plumbers."
430
00:18:51,129 --> 00:18:52,963
Get out of here,
you're making that up.
431
00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:54,331
Right there, Archie!
Right there!
432
00:18:54,333 --> 00:18:56,200
Get away from me,
will you?
433
00:19:00,805 --> 00:19:03,006
Hey, where's Edith?
434
00:19:03,008 --> 00:19:05,909
Uh, she went out
with Gloria.
435
00:19:05,911 --> 00:19:09,046
I know that, but where?
For how long?
436
00:19:09,048 --> 00:19:10,413
Well, what are you
asking me for?
437
00:19:11,649 --> 00:19:13,383
What is the matter
with you?
438
00:19:13,385 --> 00:19:14,985
I told you, nothing!
439
00:19:14,987 --> 00:19:17,354
You wanna play checkers?
440
00:19:19,057 --> 00:19:21,759
Checkers?
441
00:19:21,761 --> 00:19:23,627
No!
442
00:19:23,629 --> 00:19:25,629
Then forget it!
443
00:19:32,303 --> 00:19:34,171
What is Edith up to anyway?
444
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:36,406
Well, I don't--
I don't know.
445
00:19:36,408 --> 00:19:39,476
Did she mention anything to you
446
00:19:39,478 --> 00:19:42,946
about a red-hackle fishing pole?
447
00:19:45,549 --> 00:19:46,750
What?
448
00:19:46,752 --> 00:19:50,287
Yeah, yeah, I can
see it in your face.
449
00:19:50,289 --> 00:19:52,555
She certainly did.
I know where she is.
450
00:19:52,557 --> 00:19:55,525
She's out with Gloria
Christmas shopping for me,
451
00:19:55,527 --> 00:19:57,694
for a red-hackle siphon pole.
452
00:19:57,696 --> 00:19:59,496
[CHUCKLES]
453
00:20:00,665 --> 00:20:02,232
What, did you think
you was gonna
454
00:20:02,234 --> 00:20:04,835
pull the wolf over my eyes?
455
00:20:04,837 --> 00:20:06,770
No, Archie, I didn't think that.
456
00:20:06,772 --> 00:20:08,071
Well, listen.
457
00:20:08,073 --> 00:20:10,340
Don't tip Edith off
that I'm wise to it.
458
00:20:10,342 --> 00:20:12,042
That will spoil
her surprise for me.
459
00:20:12,044 --> 00:20:13,177
Don't worry, I won't.
460
00:20:13,179 --> 00:20:16,079
Yeah, a red-hackle fishing pole.
461
00:20:16,081 --> 00:20:17,281
[DOORBELL RINGS]
462
00:20:17,283 --> 00:20:20,050
Jeez, I hope she gets me
one with a bell on it,
463
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:23,386
so I can fish
and take a nap at the same time.
464
00:20:24,522 --> 00:20:27,490
Oh, hi, Irene.
Hi. Is Edith in?
465
00:20:27,492 --> 00:20:29,793
Uh, no, she's not back yet.
466
00:20:29,795 --> 00:20:32,162
ARCHIE:
Oh, come on, Irene.
467
00:20:32,164 --> 00:20:33,797
You don't have to
signal over there.
468
00:20:33,799 --> 00:20:36,033
I know the whole thing.
The secret's out.
469
00:20:36,035 --> 00:20:39,369
Oh. Did you hear from the
hospital? Is she all right?
470
00:20:39,371 --> 00:20:42,372
Irene! Uh--
471
00:20:42,374 --> 00:20:44,474
What?
472
00:20:44,476 --> 00:20:46,210
What? What do you mean?
What hospital?
473
00:20:46,212 --> 00:20:49,112
She's at Saint Ambrose's.
You said you knew!
474
00:20:49,114 --> 00:20:51,414
She's out Christmas shopping
with Gloria.
475
00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:52,782
Saint Ambrose's Hosp--?
476
00:20:52,784 --> 00:20:53,984
Take me there, Meathead!
477
00:20:53,986 --> 00:20:56,619
What, did she have
an accident or something?
478
00:20:56,621 --> 00:20:58,956
No, no, it's just a test,
Archie. Just a test.
479
00:20:58,958 --> 00:21:00,824
Probably nothing serious, Arch.
What is it?
480
00:21:00,826 --> 00:21:02,025
I'll tell you on the way.
481
00:21:02,027 --> 00:21:03,393
Never mind, tell me on the way.
482
00:21:07,165 --> 00:21:10,300
Will you let me
get out the door?
483
00:21:11,903 --> 00:21:15,005
ARCHIE: Go back
and shut the door!
484
00:21:28,887 --> 00:21:32,389
Will you let me
get in the door?
485
00:21:40,298 --> 00:21:42,332
Hi there, nurse.
486
00:21:42,334 --> 00:21:44,067
Oh, are you
Mr. Bunker?
487
00:21:44,069 --> 00:21:45,235
Yeah,
I'm Mr. Bunker.
488
00:21:45,237 --> 00:21:46,236
Oh, all right.
489
00:21:46,238 --> 00:21:48,405
Uh, she's sleeping
there, huh?
490
00:21:48,407 --> 00:21:51,108
Yes. Well, she's just
having a little nap.
491
00:21:51,110 --> 00:21:53,277
Uh, where's my daughter?
492
00:21:53,279 --> 00:21:55,645
Oh, she's down at the
administrations office,
493
00:21:55,647 --> 00:21:56,713
filling out some forms.
494
00:21:56,715 --> 00:21:57,714
She'll be right back.
495
00:21:57,716 --> 00:21:58,715
Ah.
496
00:21:58,717 --> 00:22:01,218
Yeah, Arch,
I'll go find Gloria.
497
00:22:01,220 --> 00:22:03,486
Yeah, go find Gloria.
498
00:22:32,917 --> 00:22:35,152
Oh, Archie!
499
00:22:35,154 --> 00:22:38,255
You didn't have to
come down here.
500
00:22:38,257 --> 00:22:41,458
What do you mean I didn't
have to come down here, Edie?
501
00:22:41,460 --> 00:22:44,661
Jeez, you're my wife,
no matter what happens.
502
00:22:44,663 --> 00:22:46,629
Archie.
503
00:22:46,631 --> 00:22:51,134
That's the nicest thing
you ever said to me.
504
00:22:51,136 --> 00:22:54,338
Yeah, well, you better lay
down there and rest there, huh?
505
00:22:54,340 --> 00:22:57,841
I don't have to rest.
I'll be home tomorrow morning.
506
00:22:59,577 --> 00:23:01,278
You're coming home
tomorrow morning?
507
00:23:01,280 --> 00:23:03,347
Yeah.
508
00:23:03,349 --> 00:23:05,882
Edith, they told me
you had cancer.
509
00:23:05,884 --> 00:23:08,418
I thought I did too, Archie,
510
00:23:08,420 --> 00:23:10,587
but it was just a little cyst,
511
00:23:10,589 --> 00:23:14,358
and the surgeon got rid of it
just like that.
512
00:23:14,360 --> 00:23:15,725
Oh!
513
00:23:17,761 --> 00:23:20,263
So, what are
you laying here for?
514
00:23:23,234 --> 00:23:27,704
Well, when they told me
everything was all right,
515
00:23:27,706 --> 00:23:29,939
I got so excited,
516
00:23:29,941 --> 00:23:34,444
I jumped off
the examining table.
517
00:23:34,446 --> 00:23:37,214
And I broke my ankle!
518
00:23:47,658 --> 00:23:49,259
You broke your ankle?
519
00:23:49,261 --> 00:23:51,395
Yeah.
520
00:23:51,397 --> 00:23:53,830
That's all that's the matter
with you? Broke your ankle?
521
00:23:53,832 --> 00:23:55,632
Yeah.
522
00:23:55,634 --> 00:23:58,301
You know, they had me
nearly scared half to death.
523
00:23:58,303 --> 00:24:00,870
I'm sorry, Archie.
524
00:24:00,872 --> 00:24:02,739
Oh, Jesus.
525
00:24:05,376 --> 00:24:07,444
Oh, Edith.
526
00:24:07,446 --> 00:24:09,646
Oh, Archie.
527
00:24:27,098 --> 00:24:30,267
["REMEMBERING YOU" PLAYING]
528
00:24:30,269 --> 00:24:34,671
ANNOUNCER:
All In The Family was recordedon tape before a live audience.
529
00:24:34,721 --> 00:24:39,271
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