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♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:09,340
♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪
3
00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:13,011
♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪
4
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:16,280
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:16,282 --> 00:00:20,284
♪ And you knewWhere you were then ♪
6
00:00:20,286 --> 00:00:23,622
♪ Girls were girlsAnd men were men ♪
7
00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:30,394
♪ Mister, we could use a manLike Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:30,396 --> 00:00:33,031
♪ Didn't needNo welfare state ♪
9
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:36,534
♪ Everybody pulledHis weight ♪
10
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♪ Gee, our old LaSalleRan great ♪
11
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:46,678
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:52,718 --> 00:00:58,422
Oh, my. I'll never get over
how smart she is.
13
00:00:58,424 --> 00:00:59,791
Who?
14
00:00:59,793 --> 00:01:01,325
"Dear Abby."
15
00:01:03,228 --> 00:01:06,097
She gives me a pain in the neck.
16
00:01:06,099 --> 00:01:07,231
She's so clever.
17
00:01:07,233 --> 00:01:10,735
She knows the answer
to every question.
18
00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:13,538
In all the years
I've been reading her,
19
00:01:13,540 --> 00:01:17,408
not once did she ever say,
"I don't know."
20
00:01:18,944 --> 00:01:23,447
Or even,
"Let me think about that."
21
00:01:23,449 --> 00:01:25,784
She ain't so smart.
22
00:01:25,786 --> 00:01:28,352
She sets herself up
with them things.
23
00:01:28,354 --> 00:01:29,854
You don't think
she picks them letters
24
00:01:29,856 --> 00:01:32,557
out of the mail at ransom,
do you?
25
00:01:34,026 --> 00:01:35,426
What do you mean?
26
00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:37,395
I mean she takes the easy ones,
27
00:01:37,397 --> 00:01:39,297
like, for instance, I seen, uh,
28
00:01:39,299 --> 00:01:43,501
"Dear Abby, I'm a young girl
nuts about a guy.
29
00:01:43,503 --> 00:01:44,602
"I want to marry him.
30
00:01:44,604 --> 00:01:46,504
"My mother says yes,
my father says no.
31
00:01:46,506 --> 00:01:49,640
What should I do?
Signed, Unhappy."
32
00:01:49,642 --> 00:01:53,377
Oh, my, that's
a hard question.
33
00:01:54,714 --> 00:01:56,781
I wouldn't know how
to answer that one.
34
00:01:56,783 --> 00:01:57,782
Jeez, I would.
35
00:01:57,784 --> 00:01:59,283
I'd say, "Dear Unhappy,
36
00:01:59,285 --> 00:02:00,719
"do what your old man
tells you.
37
00:02:00,721 --> 00:02:01,920
"He knows what
he's talking about.
38
00:02:01,922 --> 00:02:04,288
That's how he got
to be your father."
39
00:02:05,858 --> 00:02:10,161
I wonder what Dear Abby does
when she has a problem.
40
00:02:10,163 --> 00:02:12,097
Who cares, Edith?
41
00:02:12,099 --> 00:02:15,800
Maybe she writes to Ann Landers.
42
00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:17,001
[DOORBELL RINGS]
43
00:02:17,003 --> 00:02:19,403
Now, whoever that is,
44
00:02:19,405 --> 00:02:22,941
I don't want somebody
in here on my day off.
45
00:02:22,943 --> 00:02:24,642
Oh, hi, Irene!
Hi, Edith!
46
00:02:24,644 --> 00:02:26,778
Ooh, hello, Archie.
47
00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:28,279
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
48
00:02:28,281 --> 00:02:32,350
I bet that means, "Who needs
her around on my day off?"
49
00:02:32,352 --> 00:02:36,755
Oh, Archie didn't mean that,
did you, Archie?
50
00:02:36,757 --> 00:02:39,724
Don't ever argue
with a guest, Edith.
51
00:02:40,926 --> 00:02:43,027
That was a shot,
wasn't it, Archie?
52
00:02:43,029 --> 00:02:44,028
Yeah, that's right, Irene.
53
00:02:44,030 --> 00:02:46,664
One of my sad expressions.
54
00:02:46,666 --> 00:02:48,499
Listen, Edith, as soon
as Frank gets ready,
55
00:02:48,501 --> 00:02:50,168
we're going to
the Museum of Natural History.
56
00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:51,169
You wanna go with us?
57
00:02:51,171 --> 00:02:53,404
No.
58
00:02:53,406 --> 00:02:55,706
Oh, I'd love to go.
59
00:02:55,708 --> 00:02:59,210
I ain't been there
since the sixth grade.
60
00:02:59,212 --> 00:03:01,045
I'll go up
and change.
61
00:03:01,047 --> 00:03:04,149
You sure you don't
wanna come along, Archie?
62
00:03:04,151 --> 00:03:05,150
Ah, what for?
63
00:03:05,152 --> 00:03:06,550
Go all the way into the city
64
00:03:06,552 --> 00:03:07,952
to see a bunch of dead bones
65
00:03:07,954 --> 00:03:10,321
standing around doing nothing.
66
00:03:10,323 --> 00:03:12,423
I don't get you, Archie.
67
00:03:12,425 --> 00:03:16,060
Don't you have any interest
in learning about the past?
68
00:03:16,062 --> 00:03:18,462
Certainly I have interest
in learning about the past,
69
00:03:18,464 --> 00:03:21,933
like, for instance, right here
I'm reading Sports Illustrated.
70
00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:24,068
Why do you think
I'm doing that?
71
00:03:24,070 --> 00:03:25,569
This is full
of the past here.
72
00:03:25,571 --> 00:03:27,672
I'm looking over
last year's batting averages,
73
00:03:27,674 --> 00:03:30,708
all the records
of championship teams.
74
00:03:30,710 --> 00:03:33,812
All of that is what you call
"histororical" matter.
75
00:03:35,181 --> 00:03:37,548
Pretty good magazine.
You oughta read it.
76
00:03:37,550 --> 00:03:39,350
Only lately they've been
giving over too many pages
77
00:03:39,352 --> 00:03:41,585
to women in sports.
78
00:03:41,587 --> 00:03:43,754
And why shouldn't they?
79
00:03:43,756 --> 00:03:46,791
Because women ain't
important in sports.
80
00:03:46,793 --> 00:03:51,296
What about all the women who won
gold medals at the Olympics?
81
00:03:51,298 --> 00:03:53,531
Oh, don't talk about them,
will you?
82
00:03:53,533 --> 00:03:55,633
I seen them dames on TV.
83
00:03:55,635 --> 00:03:58,569
They look more like
a bunch of lumpy men.
84
00:04:00,439 --> 00:04:03,208
I thought they looked
very attractive.
85
00:04:03,210 --> 00:04:04,909
Ah, come on, will you, Irene?
86
00:04:04,911 --> 00:04:06,677
Even the judges couldn't
figure them out.
87
00:04:06,679 --> 00:04:07,778
They had to give them...
88
00:04:07,780 --> 00:04:10,414
What do you call,
hermone tests.
89
00:04:12,985 --> 00:04:17,155
They found out most of them had
more hismones than hermones.
90
00:04:18,891 --> 00:04:22,393
That's like my saying
that all men are idiots
91
00:04:22,395 --> 00:04:26,797
because one of them says
so many stupid things.
92
00:04:31,237 --> 00:04:32,737
All I'm saying is
93
00:04:32,739 --> 00:04:34,839
that women shouldn't be messing
around with men's sports,
94
00:04:34,841 --> 00:04:37,175
because a man could beat
a woman any old time.
95
00:04:37,177 --> 00:04:41,679
You mean like Bobby Riggs
beat Billie Jean King?
96
00:04:43,749 --> 00:04:47,785
I don't even think
that tennis is a man's sport.
97
00:04:47,787 --> 00:04:49,287
When I think of a man's sport,
98
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:52,223
I think of a sport where
you get some bones broke.
99
00:04:53,592 --> 00:04:55,093
Like football.
100
00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:56,794
That's right.
101
00:04:56,796 --> 00:04:59,297
I think getting
bones broke is stupid.
102
00:05:01,000 --> 00:05:05,403
Hey, Irene, ain't you got
no love for your country?
103
00:05:05,405 --> 00:05:07,372
I must have missed something.
104
00:05:07,374 --> 00:05:09,640
I thought we were
talking about football.
105
00:05:09,642 --> 00:05:12,710
Football is your country!
106
00:05:12,712 --> 00:05:17,015
Football is the only sport the
commies ain't stolen from us.
107
00:05:18,717 --> 00:05:21,085
It's why you can travel
all over the civilized world
108
00:05:21,087 --> 00:05:22,453
and you won't find
an all-American
109
00:05:22,455 --> 00:05:26,557
any place but right here
in the good old U.S. of A.
110
00:05:26,559 --> 00:05:28,859
Tell me, Archie.
111
00:05:28,861 --> 00:05:31,495
What manly games
do you play?
112
00:05:31,497 --> 00:05:33,197
Well, I used to play
a little football.
113
00:05:33,199 --> 00:05:34,799
I played
a lot of baseball.
114
00:05:34,801 --> 00:05:38,036
I still bowl
in the men's league.
115
00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:39,971
I shoot pool.
116
00:05:39,973 --> 00:05:41,906
Pool?
That's right, pool.
117
00:05:41,908 --> 00:05:43,507
You any good at it?
118
00:05:43,509 --> 00:05:46,577
[LAUGHS]
119
00:05:46,579 --> 00:05:48,413
I hold my own.
120
00:05:48,415 --> 00:05:50,681
Do you think
you could beat a woman?
121
00:05:50,683 --> 00:05:54,452
With one eye closed,
one hand tied behind my back
122
00:05:54,454 --> 00:05:57,621
and a bad case
of the flu.
123
00:05:57,623 --> 00:05:58,823
Okay, I challenge you.
124
00:05:58,825 --> 00:06:01,225
You challenge me?
You're crazy, Irene.
125
00:06:01,227 --> 00:06:02,660
I'm serious.
126
00:06:02,662 --> 00:06:04,495
Oh, come on,
will you?
127
00:06:04,497 --> 00:06:06,965
Anyway, a gentleman don't
play pool with no woman.
128
00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:08,799
I got $10 says
I can beat you.
129
00:06:08,801 --> 00:06:11,702
You're on!
130
00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:14,939
Ten bucks puts a whole
different complexity
131
00:06:14,941 --> 00:06:16,707
on the situation, Irene.
132
00:06:16,709 --> 00:06:19,610
Just let me call up Kelsey's bar
133
00:06:19,612 --> 00:06:22,713
and see if that pool table
is free for a little action.
134
00:06:22,715 --> 00:06:25,383
Oh, not right now. We're going
to the museum in a few minutes.
135
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,585
Oh, come on. You said
you'd play me for 10 bucks.
136
00:06:27,587 --> 00:06:28,752
Don't be copping out now.
137
00:06:28,754 --> 00:06:29,887
Nobody's copping out.
138
00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:31,555
We'll go to
the museum later.
139
00:06:31,557 --> 00:06:32,556
Yeah, all right.
140
00:06:32,558 --> 00:06:34,258
Kelsey?
Yeah, Archie Bunker here.
141
00:06:34,260 --> 00:06:37,728
Hey, is the table
gonna be free down there?
142
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:39,263
Oh, it is. Ah, great.
143
00:06:39,265 --> 00:06:43,401
I got a pigeon I gotta pluck
for about 10 bucks.
144
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:45,203
Yeah, a lady pigeon.
145
00:06:45,205 --> 00:06:48,006
What you call a pigeoness.
146
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:51,376
No, no. She challenged me.
147
00:06:51,378 --> 00:06:52,543
[LAUGHS]
148
00:06:52,545 --> 00:06:55,046
Kelsey's hysterical
on the line here.
149
00:06:55,048 --> 00:06:56,780
No, no, no.
You know her.
150
00:06:56,782 --> 00:06:59,317
Frank Lorenzo's wife,
Irene.
151
00:06:59,319 --> 00:07:01,152
Oh, hold on.
I'll ask her.
152
00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:03,754
Kelsey wants to know if he can
have $5 worth of the action.
153
00:07:03,756 --> 00:07:04,955
Tell him I accept.
154
00:07:04,957 --> 00:07:07,425
Hey, Kelsey, you just
won yourself five bucks.
155
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,460
Yeah, we'll be right down.
156
00:07:09,462 --> 00:07:10,628
Come on, Irene.
Let's go.
157
00:07:10,630 --> 00:07:12,030
I'll be back
in a few minutes.
158
00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:13,731
I just want
to change my shoes.
159
00:07:13,733 --> 00:07:16,867
What, are you gonna play
with your feet?
160
00:07:16,869 --> 00:07:21,406
Well, I could. And I think
I'd still beat you.
161
00:07:21,408 --> 00:07:24,275
Oh, Irene, I'm still waiting.
Aren't we going to the museum?
162
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:27,278
Later. I got a date
to shoot pool for money.
163
00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:28,946
No kidding?
Who's the pigeon?
164
00:07:28,948 --> 00:07:32,716
Minnesota Fats
over there.
165
00:07:35,587 --> 00:07:39,090
Archie, are-- Are you
really gonna play Irene?
166
00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:40,525
Yeah. What are you
laughing about?
167
00:07:40,527 --> 00:07:41,692
[LAUGHS LOUDLY]
168
00:07:41,694 --> 00:07:44,562
Okay, come on.
Don't-- Don't poke me, huh?
169
00:07:44,564 --> 00:07:47,898
Yeah, I'm gonna play Irene. It's
gonna cost you a little dough.
170
00:07:47,900 --> 00:07:50,601
The 10 bucks she bet with me
and five bucks with Kelsey.
171
00:07:50,603 --> 00:07:52,970
Ooh, is that all you're betting?
She let you off easy.
172
00:07:52,972 --> 00:07:55,506
Ah, get out of here.
She don't stand a chance.
173
00:07:55,508 --> 00:07:57,841
Archie, she's good.
She even beats me.
174
00:07:57,843 --> 00:08:02,613
So what?
You're only a cook.
175
00:08:02,615 --> 00:08:05,816
You wouldn't know a rack of
balls from a bowl of zucchini.
176
00:08:05,818 --> 00:08:09,620
Archie, she's played a lot of
pool and beat a lot of people.
177
00:08:09,622 --> 00:08:11,689
Yeah? Well, I'll tell you
something, Frank.
178
00:08:11,691 --> 00:08:14,292
I'm gonna beat
the pants off of her.
179
00:08:14,294 --> 00:08:15,926
And you ought to
thank me for that
180
00:08:15,928 --> 00:08:18,229
because then you can
start wearing them again.
181
00:08:19,965 --> 00:08:21,966
What's that
supposed to mean?
182
00:08:21,968 --> 00:08:24,569
I only mean that she's a woman
who spends all day at home
183
00:08:24,571 --> 00:08:26,770
banging nails into the walls and
messing around with the plumbing
184
00:08:26,772 --> 00:08:28,473
and challenging me
to shoot pool.
185
00:08:28,475 --> 00:08:30,141
She's more manly
than womanly.
186
00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:32,143
You take that
back, Archie!
187
00:08:32,145 --> 00:08:33,544
Because where
I come from,
188
00:08:33,546 --> 00:08:35,613
if a man talks like that
about another man's wife,
189
00:08:35,615 --> 00:08:37,748
he don't talk again
for a long time!
190
00:08:37,750 --> 00:08:41,785
Jeez, what are you gonna do,
gag me with your apron?
191
00:08:41,787 --> 00:08:45,256
You-- You talk about Irene
behind her back,
192
00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:47,258
but I'm gonna say this
to your face.
193
00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:49,893
If you have any doubts
about my wife being a woman,
194
00:08:49,895 --> 00:08:54,665
it's because you're worried
about yourself being a man.
195
00:08:54,667 --> 00:08:59,203
Hey! you're talking to
a veteran of WWII over here.
196
00:08:59,205 --> 00:09:01,205
I don't care who you are.
197
00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:02,806
Take back what
you said about my wife.
198
00:09:02,808 --> 00:09:05,709
All I'm saying is that
your wife ain't satisfied
199
00:09:05,711 --> 00:09:07,945
with being a woman,
she wants to be a man too.
200
00:09:07,947 --> 00:09:11,182
That's it! You insult me,
you insult my family.
201
00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:13,951
You insult my family,
you insult my honor.
202
00:09:13,953 --> 00:09:17,054
Take this! Malocchio!
203
00:09:22,528 --> 00:09:24,662
What the hell
is that?
204
00:09:24,664 --> 00:09:27,798
A Sicilian curse,
the evil eye.
205
00:09:27,800 --> 00:09:30,934
Malocchio, malocchio,
malocchio!
206
00:09:35,474 --> 00:09:39,377
Well, I'll just give you a New
York curse, the waving fingers.
207
00:09:44,249 --> 00:09:45,583
What's going on?
208
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:46,950
Hey, hey, hey.
209
00:09:46,952 --> 00:09:49,520
You got any questions
about me being a man,
210
00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:51,556
ask my witness,
ask her.
211
00:09:51,558 --> 00:09:52,690
Ask me what?
212
00:09:52,692 --> 00:09:55,626
Oh, stay out
of this.
213
00:09:55,628 --> 00:09:57,027
Hello.
214
00:09:57,029 --> 00:09:58,663
I'm surprised
at you, Archie.
215
00:09:58,665 --> 00:10:00,198
You call yourself
a man? A man?
216
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:02,300
And that's the way you talk
about your neighbor's wife?
217
00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:04,535
All right, Frank,
don't get excited!
218
00:10:04,537 --> 00:10:07,971
If it'll make you feel better,
I'll admit it, Irene is a---
219
00:10:07,973 --> 00:10:09,507
A woman.
All right!
220
00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:12,009
That's better.
Yeah.
221
00:10:12,011 --> 00:10:13,777
Is that what you
wanted to know, Archie?
222
00:10:13,779 --> 00:10:15,580
I could've told you that.
223
00:10:17,249 --> 00:10:18,449
Yeah,
so could I.
224
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:19,850
You're not
very observant, Arch.
225
00:10:19,852 --> 00:10:21,719
Oh, get lost,
will you?
226
00:10:21,721 --> 00:10:25,456
Where is Irene?
We was going to the museum.
227
00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:26,557
She'll be right back.
228
00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:28,593
Yeah, but before
she goes to the museum,
229
00:10:28,595 --> 00:10:31,629
she's gonna shoot a game of pool
with me for 10 bucks.
230
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:35,165
Ohh! I didn't know
Irene played pool.
231
00:10:35,167 --> 00:10:37,501
Well, she says
she does.
232
00:10:37,503 --> 00:10:38,902
But I'm gonna
teach her a lesson.
233
00:10:38,904 --> 00:10:41,271
After this, she'll
keep her big yap shut.
234
00:10:41,273 --> 00:10:43,474
Malocchio!
235
00:10:45,244 --> 00:10:47,378
What, again?
236
00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:49,313
Yes. The malocchio
is on again.
237
00:10:49,315 --> 00:10:52,483
Oh, gee. What's
supposed to happen?
238
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:54,017
I don't know,
but something will.
239
00:10:54,019 --> 00:10:56,621
The malocchio works
like a knuckleball.
240
00:10:56,623 --> 00:10:59,156
You never know
what it's gonna do. Voom!
241
00:11:03,027 --> 00:11:05,028
Can you imagine this guy
242
00:11:05,030 --> 00:11:07,698
believing in that kinda
superstitious bunk?
243
00:11:07,700 --> 00:11:10,000
Sure, Arch. A lot of people
believe in magic spells.
244
00:11:10,002 --> 00:11:11,969
I mean, there's even magic
in the Bible.
245
00:11:11,971 --> 00:11:15,973
Aw, shut up, you atheist, you.
246
00:11:15,975 --> 00:11:17,875
You know nothing
about the Bible.
247
00:11:17,877 --> 00:11:20,311
The Bible is full of miracles,
no magic.
248
00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:22,179
God would never fool around
with no magic.
249
00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:24,348
What about the story
of Sodom and Gomorrah?
250
00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:27,117
I mean, didn't God turn Lot's
wife into a pillar of salt?
251
00:11:27,119 --> 00:11:29,553
That's right, because
when she was running away
252
00:11:29,555 --> 00:11:30,788
from them two dirty cities,
253
00:11:30,790 --> 00:11:33,791
she stopped to take
a look at her behind.
254
00:11:45,136 --> 00:11:46,704
Okay, I'm ready.
255
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,005
Let's go,
come on.
256
00:11:48,007 --> 00:11:49,774
Okay, let's go.
Let's go.
257
00:11:49,776 --> 00:11:51,409
Oh, Edith,
about the museum--
258
00:11:51,411 --> 00:11:54,578
Oh, yeah, I've heard. You and
Archie are gonna play pool.
259
00:11:54,580 --> 00:11:56,447
I'll go along
and watch.
260
00:11:56,449 --> 00:11:57,815
Are you ready,
Archie?
261
00:11:57,817 --> 00:12:00,384
Hey, hey, hey.
Ah, what's this?
262
00:12:00,386 --> 00:12:06,056
Irene, I didn't know
you played the clarinet.
263
00:12:06,058 --> 00:12:09,226
Hey, that ain't
the clarinet.
264
00:12:09,228 --> 00:12:12,396
It's a carrying case
for a private pool cue.
265
00:12:12,398 --> 00:12:15,666
See that? You put
them two together.
266
00:12:15,668 --> 00:12:19,002
I didn't know you had
a private pool cue, Irene.
267
00:12:19,004 --> 00:12:20,471
Sure. Don't you?
268
00:12:20,473 --> 00:12:22,172
No.
269
00:12:22,174 --> 00:12:25,543
I remember,
I saw Paul Newman
270
00:12:25,545 --> 00:12:28,412
carry one of them
in The Rustler.
271
00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:31,081
Oh, no.
272
00:12:31,083 --> 00:12:33,851
That was called The Hustler.
273
00:12:33,853 --> 00:12:37,087
Hey, Arch, I'll bet you a buck
she can take you.
274
00:12:37,089 --> 00:12:38,255
Save your money.
275
00:12:38,257 --> 00:12:40,424
Just because her old man
can afford to buy her
276
00:12:40,426 --> 00:12:42,827
a private pool cue
don't mean she's no pool shark.
277
00:12:42,829 --> 00:12:44,495
He didn't buy it
for me. I won it.
278
00:12:46,264 --> 00:12:47,598
Huh?
Yeah.
279
00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,233
Look at that plaque.
280
00:12:49,235 --> 00:12:55,806
"To Irene Lorenzo, first prize,
Hudson Billiard Academy."
281
00:12:55,808 --> 00:12:57,541
Archie, you wanna
make that two bucks?
282
00:12:57,543 --> 00:12:59,042
Get outta here!
283
00:12:59,044 --> 00:13:00,277
You're gonna lose.
284
00:13:00,279 --> 00:13:01,746
Okay,
let's shoot pool.
285
00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:03,681
Let's go. Come on, let's go.
Come on, Archie.
286
00:13:03,683 --> 00:13:05,416
Yeah, all right,
all right, yeah. Go ahead.
287
00:13:05,418 --> 00:13:09,052
Yeah, go ahead, all of you.
I've just gotta get my hat here.
288
00:13:09,054 --> 00:13:11,088
I just, ah--
289
00:13:12,524 --> 00:13:14,692
[SCREAMS]
290
00:13:14,694 --> 00:13:16,927
Archie,
what's the matter?
291
00:13:16,929 --> 00:13:19,263
Oh! Oh!
292
00:13:19,265 --> 00:13:21,965
Somebody better
pick up my hat for me.
293
00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:24,468
What's wrong?
I can't bend over.
294
00:13:24,470 --> 00:13:28,205
Archie, it's
your back again.
295
00:13:28,207 --> 00:13:30,340
The back is out.
296
00:13:30,342 --> 00:13:33,844
The curse is on.
297
00:13:33,846 --> 00:13:35,613
And the game is off.
298
00:13:43,522 --> 00:13:45,589
I just can't get it
through my head, Ma.
299
00:13:45,591 --> 00:13:47,958
Daddy actually claims
that his back hurts
300
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,359
because he was cursed?
301
00:13:49,361 --> 00:13:52,730
Yeah.
By the evil eye.
302
00:13:52,732 --> 00:13:55,499
Yeah, it's more like
an evil cue stick.
303
00:13:55,501 --> 00:13:57,568
I heard that,
Meathead.
304
00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:59,002
And let me
tell you something,
305
00:13:59,004 --> 00:14:01,238
I got a real pain
here in my back.
306
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:03,173
Now don't give me
another one where I sit.
307
00:14:03,175 --> 00:14:05,843
Easy. Easy, Edith.
Easy, now. Don't hurt me.
308
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:09,547
You're hurting me!
I said, "Don't hurt me!"
309
00:14:09,549 --> 00:14:10,948
Daddy, if the pain
is that bad,
310
00:14:10,950 --> 00:14:13,116
maybe you oughta
go see a doctor.
311
00:14:13,118 --> 00:14:14,952
Oh, a doctor ain't
gonna do me no good.
312
00:14:14,954 --> 00:14:17,588
Well, how do you
know that, Archie?
313
00:14:17,590 --> 00:14:20,458
He would examine you
and take X-rays.
314
00:14:20,460 --> 00:14:24,662
Edith, the curse
don't show up on an X-ray.
315
00:14:24,664 --> 00:14:27,297
Arch, you're not cursed.
You're just faking it.
316
00:14:27,299 --> 00:14:28,799
I ain't faking it.
317
00:14:28,801 --> 00:14:30,634
This is a real pain here.
318
00:14:30,636 --> 00:14:31,635
Nn-nn!
319
00:14:31,637 --> 00:14:33,771
Can't you hear that?
320
00:14:35,907 --> 00:14:39,276
Maybe the pain
is, um--
321
00:14:39,278 --> 00:14:40,878
Oh, are you thinking
it's psychosomatic?
322
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,312
Yeah. It's all
up here.
323
00:14:42,314 --> 00:14:44,414
Oh, cut it out.
I ain't got nothing up here.
324
00:14:44,416 --> 00:14:46,283
It's all down here.
325
00:14:51,322 --> 00:14:54,257
I can't argue with that.
326
00:14:54,259 --> 00:14:56,794
Who asked you?
327
00:14:56,796 --> 00:14:58,696
Daddy, why don't you
just admit
328
00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:00,965
you're afraid of
losing a game to a woman?
329
00:15:00,967 --> 00:15:03,934
Why is my daughter
always against me?
330
00:15:03,936 --> 00:15:05,402
Daddy, I'm not
against you.
331
00:15:05,404 --> 00:15:07,805
I'm trying to show that
you don't have a curse on you.
332
00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:09,840
How do you know
what I got on me?
333
00:15:09,842 --> 00:15:13,110
How do you know that, uh, maybe
you could have put one on me?
334
00:15:13,112 --> 00:15:15,045
How do you know that?
What?
335
00:15:15,047 --> 00:15:16,446
That's right.
336
00:15:16,448 --> 00:15:18,281
You were out walking around
on the sidewalks yesterday.
337
00:15:18,283 --> 00:15:20,784
Maybe you were stepping on
all the cracks.
338
00:15:23,354 --> 00:15:25,422
Oh, no, Archie.
339
00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:29,092
That's, "Step on a crack,
break your mother's back."
340
00:15:31,362 --> 00:15:34,131
That's for sons.
For sons.
341
00:15:34,133 --> 00:15:37,234
Daughters want to break
their father's back.
342
00:15:37,236 --> 00:15:38,402
Arch, that's crazy.
343
00:15:38,404 --> 00:15:40,170
How long have you been
believing in curses?
344
00:15:41,305 --> 00:15:43,908
How long you been
living here?
345
00:15:50,749 --> 00:15:55,452
I know a very good cure
for your back, Archie.
346
00:15:55,454 --> 00:15:56,554
Holy Jesus.
347
00:15:56,556 --> 00:15:58,889
But the butcher's shop
is closed today.
348
00:15:58,891 --> 00:16:01,324
What?
349
00:16:01,326 --> 00:16:04,294
If it was open,
I'd go right down there
350
00:16:04,296 --> 00:16:05,963
and get
some brown paper.
351
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:08,231
Yeah, my mother
used to do that
352
00:16:08,233 --> 00:16:11,468
when my father's lumbago
started acting up.
353
00:16:11,470 --> 00:16:14,471
She'd take a piece of
butcher's brown paper
354
00:16:14,473 --> 00:16:19,977
and put it on his back
and then run an iron over it.
355
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:21,745
She'd put it
at the cotton setting.
356
00:16:21,747 --> 00:16:25,415
The linen setting was too hot
and made him holler.
357
00:16:28,186 --> 00:16:33,523
I think your mother must have
inherited her brains from you.
358
00:16:33,525 --> 00:16:34,558
[DOORBELL RINGS]
359
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:36,460
Oh, there's someone
at the door.
360
00:16:36,462 --> 00:16:37,995
"Someone at the door."
361
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:40,397
It's the first thing she's said
today that makes sense.
362
00:16:40,399 --> 00:16:42,900
Oh, hi, Frank.
Come in.
363
00:16:42,902 --> 00:16:45,069
Hi, Mr. Lorenzo.
Hey, Frank. How you doing?
364
00:16:45,071 --> 00:16:46,670
Good morning, everybody.
Good morning.
365
00:16:46,672 --> 00:16:50,007
Oh, jeez. Here he is.
The duke of lasagna.
366
00:16:51,375 --> 00:16:52,776
What do you want?
367
00:16:52,778 --> 00:16:54,277
Well, it's such
a nice day,
368
00:16:54,279 --> 00:16:56,546
I thought we'd all take
a nice walk down to Kelsey's
369
00:16:56,548 --> 00:17:00,183
and watch you and Irene
shoot a little pool.
370
00:17:00,185 --> 00:17:02,185
How am I gonna shoot pool?
I'm in pain here.
371
00:17:02,187 --> 00:17:03,754
My back don't work.
372
00:17:03,756 --> 00:17:06,857
Yeah, but the hands look like
they're doing a good job there.
373
00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:08,993
Dry up there, will you?
374
00:17:08,995 --> 00:17:11,428
What I mean is,
how am I gonna shoot pool
375
00:17:11,430 --> 00:17:13,196
when I can't bend down
to the table?
376
00:17:13,198 --> 00:17:17,267
Maybe they could
raise the table.
377
00:17:17,269 --> 00:17:19,670
Don't help me,
will you?
378
00:17:19,672 --> 00:17:22,640
Just look at me here,
Frank, in pain.
379
00:17:22,642 --> 00:17:24,708
My back
is on your head.
380
00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:26,476
What?
381
00:17:26,478 --> 00:17:29,212
That's right, because you put
the whammy on the back.
382
00:17:29,214 --> 00:17:30,681
Look at me.
I can hardly move.
383
00:17:30,683 --> 00:17:32,616
I can't sit
in my own soft chair.
384
00:17:32,618 --> 00:17:34,551
I gotta sit
in Edith's lousy chair.
385
00:17:34,553 --> 00:17:36,219
[GROANS]
386
00:17:36,221 --> 00:17:37,955
Arch, maybe if you're
real nice to Frank,
387
00:17:37,957 --> 00:17:39,489
he'll take the evil eye
off you.
388
00:17:39,491 --> 00:17:41,391
I can't do that.
I never learnt that part.
389
00:17:41,393 --> 00:17:42,660
I only know
how to give it.
390
00:17:44,462 --> 00:17:47,731
But I do know someone
who can take the curse off.
391
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:49,633
Well, it don't make
no difference, Frank.
392
00:17:49,635 --> 00:17:51,802
The pool match is off,
and that's that.
393
00:17:51,804 --> 00:17:54,138
Hello, operator.
Long-distance, please.
394
00:17:54,140 --> 00:17:57,074
Who you calling long-distance?
My uncle in Sicily.
395
00:17:57,076 --> 00:18:00,577
Hey, get off the phone!
Get off the phone!
396
00:18:00,579 --> 00:18:02,512
Oh, Archie.
Come on, will you?
397
00:18:02,514 --> 00:18:04,982
There's no evil eye.
I'm only kidding.
398
00:18:04,984 --> 00:18:06,449
Yeah, well,
I ain't.
399
00:18:06,451 --> 00:18:08,919
I can't play the pool match.
That's all there is to it.
400
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:10,320
Well, then,
you forfeit the game
401
00:18:10,322 --> 00:18:11,722
and you owe Irene
10 bucks.
402
00:18:11,724 --> 00:18:13,090
What do you mean
"forfeit"?
403
00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:14,692
If anybody owes anybody
anything, Irene owes me,
404
00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:16,960
because you're the guy
that put the whammy on my back.
405
00:18:16,962 --> 00:18:18,929
Oh, all right.
All right.
406
00:18:18,931 --> 00:18:21,165
I'll go home and tell Irene
that the game is off.
407
00:18:21,167 --> 00:18:23,700
But first I'm gonna
stop off at Kelsey's
408
00:18:23,702 --> 00:18:26,269
and I'm gonna make a big
announcement to tell everybody
409
00:18:26,271 --> 00:18:28,538
that Archie Bunker's
not showing up
410
00:18:28,540 --> 00:18:30,507
because somebody
put a curse on him.
411
00:18:30,509 --> 00:18:32,676
Then, after they all
stop laughing,
412
00:18:32,678 --> 00:18:34,078
I'll tell them
the truth.
413
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,680
That you are afraid
to play a woman.
414
00:18:36,682 --> 00:18:38,082
Wait a minute there.
415
00:18:38,084 --> 00:18:39,616
Wait a minute
there, Frank.
416
00:18:39,618 --> 00:18:42,252
Hold it. Hold it. Okay.
You're gonna get your way.
417
00:18:42,254 --> 00:18:45,388
I'm gonna play the match.
I'll be in Kelsey's in an hour.
418
00:18:45,390 --> 00:18:47,657
And you bring Irene
there on time.
419
00:18:47,659 --> 00:18:49,492
Bravo! Bravissimo!
420
00:18:57,501 --> 00:18:58,902
Did you hear that?
421
00:18:58,904 --> 00:19:01,772
He laid another curse
on me.
422
00:19:05,376 --> 00:19:07,077
[CASH REGISTER RINGS]
423
00:19:07,079 --> 00:19:09,747
Hi there, Kelsey.
How are you?
424
00:19:09,749 --> 00:19:11,448
Hey. Hiya, Arch.
You're a little early.
425
00:19:11,450 --> 00:19:13,951
Pool table won't be open
for another 15 minutes.
426
00:19:13,953 --> 00:19:16,586
Yeah, I thought I'd come down
and kind of loosen up, you know?
427
00:19:16,588 --> 00:19:18,388
Hello, Bunker.
428
00:19:18,390 --> 00:19:20,157
Oh, hi there,
Jefferson.
429
00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:22,525
I didn't know George Jefferson
come in here.
430
00:19:22,527 --> 00:19:24,694
Oh, yeah. He's been
coming in regularly.
431
00:19:24,696 --> 00:19:26,596
Hey, Bunker.
I wanna talk to you.
432
00:19:26,598 --> 00:19:28,098
Yeah, go ahead,
Jefferson.
433
00:19:28,100 --> 00:19:30,700
I heard about your pool match.
I wanna get some of the action.
434
00:19:30,702 --> 00:19:32,369
Well, Frank Lorenzo
will be here any minute.
435
00:19:32,371 --> 00:19:34,371
He'll cover your bet
if you wanna bet on me.
436
00:19:34,373 --> 00:19:37,540
I don't wanna bet on you.
I wanna win.
437
00:19:38,910 --> 00:19:41,845
Hey, Jefferson, don't you
think Arch can take her?
438
00:19:41,847 --> 00:19:42,880
No!
439
00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:44,414
Talk's all over
the neighborhood.
440
00:19:44,416 --> 00:19:48,085
Lorenzo put
the Sicilian hex on him.
441
00:19:48,087 --> 00:19:51,088
Sicilian hex? Oh, come on.
Come on. What's this all about?
442
00:19:51,090 --> 00:19:52,555
That's right.
That's right.
443
00:19:52,557 --> 00:19:54,825
Frank Lorenzo put
the Sicilian evil eye on me
444
00:19:54,827 --> 00:19:56,426
so his wife Irene
would beat me.
445
00:19:56,428 --> 00:19:57,795
The evil eye.
446
00:19:57,797 --> 00:19:59,562
That's some
mighty heavy stuff.
447
00:19:59,564 --> 00:20:01,064
[KELSEY LAUGHS]
448
00:20:02,200 --> 00:20:03,600
That's crazy!
449
00:20:03,602 --> 00:20:04,935
ARCHIE:
What are you laughing about?
450
00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:06,336
You never heard of
the hex before?
451
00:20:06,338 --> 00:20:10,040
These people know a lot about
that voodoo-de-o-doo-doo.
452
00:20:11,810 --> 00:20:13,343
Tell us some more.
453
00:20:13,345 --> 00:20:15,212
Oh, yeah. We famous
for that in my family.
454
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:17,848
Goes all the way back to my
great-great-great-granddaddy,
455
00:20:17,850 --> 00:20:20,550
Mumbulu.
456
00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:23,220
Mumbulu! Pfft!
What was his first name?
457
00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:25,422
George.
458
00:20:28,026 --> 00:20:30,060
Bunker, if you wanna
get rid of the hex,
459
00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:31,628
you need
a good luck charm.
460
00:20:31,630 --> 00:20:34,064
Arch, come on. You don't believe
all this baloney, do you?
461
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:36,133
What are you
talking about, baloney?
462
00:20:36,135 --> 00:20:37,835
Don't you see
a lot of Jewish guys
463
00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:39,636
going around in their cars
with Christopher's medals.
464
00:20:39,638 --> 00:20:41,305
They don't believe in
them things.
465
00:20:41,307 --> 00:20:45,008
But they figure, "What harm?
Why take a chance?"
466
00:20:45,010 --> 00:20:46,543
Say some more,
Jefferson.
467
00:20:46,545 --> 00:20:48,778
Well, look, if you
really want to win,
468
00:20:48,780 --> 00:20:53,317
what you need is
Mumbulu voodoo.
469
00:20:55,720 --> 00:20:58,889
First you make a circle with the
bones of a dozen fried chickens.
470
00:21:04,062 --> 00:21:08,365
Then, inside the circle,
you form an X
471
00:21:08,367 --> 00:21:11,634
with the rinds
of two watermelons.
472
00:21:15,606 --> 00:21:18,541
Then you send for
the witch doctor.
473
00:21:18,543 --> 00:21:22,112
Where the hell are you gonna
get a witch doctor in Queens?
474
00:21:22,114 --> 00:21:24,915
In the Yellow Pages.
475
00:21:29,254 --> 00:21:32,622
Thanks for helping me out
with my bad back, Jefferson.
476
00:21:32,624 --> 00:21:34,024
KELSEY: Hey, Arch,
your table's open now.
477
00:21:34,026 --> 00:21:35,425
So look, Bunker.
I don't have time
478
00:21:35,427 --> 00:21:36,626
to stay around for the match.
479
00:21:36,628 --> 00:21:37,827
Look, do you
want a bet?
480
00:21:37,829 --> 00:21:39,729
I got 20 bucks says
Irene Lorenzo beats you.
481
00:21:39,731 --> 00:21:42,632
You got 20 bucks that says
that that dame beats me?
482
00:21:42,634 --> 00:21:44,167
That's right.
483
00:21:44,169 --> 00:21:46,370
Well, I'll tell you what I'm
gonna do with you, Jefferson.
484
00:21:46,372 --> 00:21:48,671
I'm gonna take
a dollar of that.
485
00:21:55,146 --> 00:21:58,248
Now, let's see you sharpen up
the old eye here.
486
00:21:58,250 --> 00:22:00,217
Pull up this one
up there.
487
00:22:00,219 --> 00:22:01,084
[SIGHS]
488
00:22:02,653 --> 00:22:06,323
Holy cow. I missed
an easy shot like that.
489
00:22:07,525 --> 00:22:09,859
[GROANS]
490
00:22:09,861 --> 00:22:11,261
Oh, jeez.
491
00:22:11,263 --> 00:22:13,530
KELSEY: He's right
in there, Mrs. Lorenzo.
492
00:22:13,532 --> 00:22:16,433
[GROANS]
493
00:22:17,735 --> 00:22:20,203
Look at him. He can't
wait to get started.
494
00:22:20,205 --> 00:22:21,805
Neither can I.
495
00:22:21,807 --> 00:22:23,506
What do you mean
I can't wait?
496
00:22:23,508 --> 00:22:25,708
I ain't in no condition
to shoot a pool match here.
497
00:22:25,710 --> 00:22:27,244
I can hardly
bend over.
498
00:22:27,246 --> 00:22:28,578
Rack 'em up, Archie.
499
00:22:28,580 --> 00:22:31,548
Why are you asking me
to rack up, Irene, the way I am?
500
00:22:31,550 --> 00:22:33,317
Why don't you ask Frank
to do that?
501
00:22:33,319 --> 00:22:35,452
All right, all right,
I'll rack 'em up.
502
00:22:35,454 --> 00:22:36,853
Okay, I'll shoot you
for the break.
503
00:22:36,855 --> 00:22:38,855
Okay. Go ahead.
There's your cue ball.
504
00:22:38,857 --> 00:22:40,324
No, no.
Gentlemen first.
505
00:22:40,326 --> 00:22:41,791
Okay.
506
00:22:41,793 --> 00:22:44,194
All right, the nearest to the
back cushion with the cue ball
507
00:22:44,196 --> 00:22:45,528
don't have to break,
right?
508
00:22:45,530 --> 00:22:47,831
Okay.
All right.
509
00:22:47,833 --> 00:22:49,566
Are you ready
down there, Frank?
510
00:22:49,568 --> 00:22:51,034
Shoot!
511
00:22:51,036 --> 00:22:52,635
Let me see
if I can do this.
512
00:22:52,637 --> 00:22:54,504
I don't know
if I can get over there.
513
00:22:54,506 --> 00:22:57,507
Oh, Jeez, it's going through me
like a knife.
514
00:22:57,509 --> 00:22:59,276
[GROANS]
515
00:22:59,278 --> 00:23:01,811
Oh, look at that!
Miscued!
516
00:23:01,813 --> 00:23:03,813
I ain't done a thing like that
in 20 years.
517
00:23:03,815 --> 00:23:05,215
Now you see
the kind of competition
518
00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:06,649
you're gonna have today.
519
00:23:06,651 --> 00:23:09,119
I can't do it,
Frank.
520
00:23:09,121 --> 00:23:12,222
I can't take advantage of
a sick man.
521
00:23:12,224 --> 00:23:13,390
Oh, come on,
Irene.
522
00:23:13,392 --> 00:23:15,492
After what he said
about you, he deserves it.
523
00:23:15,494 --> 00:23:17,594
Look at the man.
He can't even bend over.
524
00:23:17,596 --> 00:23:18,595
[GROANS WEAKLY]
525
00:23:18,597 --> 00:23:20,364
I just can't do it.
526
00:23:20,366 --> 00:23:22,599
You gotta play him.
Besides, I think he's faking.
527
00:23:22,601 --> 00:23:25,202
I ain't faking, Frank,
and she don't gotta do nothing.
528
00:23:25,204 --> 00:23:27,871
You don't gotta play me, Irene.
You can wait two, three weeks.
529
00:23:27,873 --> 00:23:30,273
My back will be better then.
I'll play you a fair game.
530
00:23:30,275 --> 00:23:32,342
I'll still take
your $10 off you.
531
00:23:32,344 --> 00:23:33,576
Bless you,
Archie.
532
00:23:33,578 --> 00:23:35,112
You're one of a kind.
533
00:23:35,114 --> 00:23:37,580
And thank God
for that.
534
00:23:37,582 --> 00:23:39,849
Come on, Irene. Let's go.
I'll buy you a drink.
535
00:23:39,851 --> 00:23:41,485
And I'll buy you one
too, Archie.
536
00:23:41,487 --> 00:23:43,153
All right,
Frank.
537
00:23:43,155 --> 00:23:44,554
Don't mind
if I do.
538
00:23:44,556 --> 00:23:45,855
[GROANS]
539
00:23:45,857 --> 00:23:48,358
Oh, uh, Archie,
is that your dollar?
540
00:23:48,360 --> 00:23:49,726
Yeah,
that's mine.
541
00:23:49,728 --> 00:23:53,363
He can bend! He can bend!
I told you he was faking!
542
00:23:56,467 --> 00:23:58,868
Okay, Archie.
543
00:23:58,870 --> 00:24:02,272
Okay.
Let's shoot pool.
544
00:24:14,385 --> 00:24:17,054
He lost.
545
00:24:17,056 --> 00:24:18,422
Clam up, you.
546
00:24:18,424 --> 00:24:19,456
EDITH:
Oh, Archie.
547
00:24:19,458 --> 00:24:22,259
Frank Lorenzo
just called.
548
00:24:22,261 --> 00:24:24,394
Oh, I'm so happy
for you.
549
00:24:24,396 --> 00:24:26,163
I hope you
thanked Irene.
550
00:24:26,165 --> 00:24:27,931
For what?
551
00:24:27,933 --> 00:24:29,599
For fixing
your back.
552
00:24:31,735 --> 00:24:33,537
She didn't do that.
553
00:24:33,539 --> 00:24:35,238
Oh, that's funny.
554
00:24:35,240 --> 00:24:38,308
Frank said she
straightened you out.
555
00:24:59,397 --> 00:25:02,466
[♪]
556
00:25:02,468 --> 00:25:06,470
ANNOUNCER:
All In the Family was recordedon tape before a live audience.
557
00:25:06,520 --> 00:25:11,070
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