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1
00:00:02,835 --> 00:00:05,670
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:09,340
♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪
3
00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:13,011
♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪
4
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:16,280
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:16,282 --> 00:00:20,284
♪ And you knewWhere you were then ♪
6
00:00:20,286 --> 00:00:23,622
♪ Girls were girlsAnd men were men ♪
7
00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:30,394
♪ Mister, we could use a manLike Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:30,396 --> 00:00:33,064
♪ Didn't needNo welfare state ♪
9
00:00:33,066 --> 00:00:36,534
♪ Everybody pulledHis weight ♪
10
00:00:36,536 --> 00:00:40,872
♪ Gee, our old LaSalleRan great ♪
11
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:46,177
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:56,355 --> 00:00:57,555
What are you
reading, Ma?
13
00:00:57,557 --> 00:01:00,525
"I am Jane's Kidney."
14
00:01:06,899 --> 00:01:08,033
What?
15
00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:10,669
It's in the Reader's Digest.
16
00:01:10,671 --> 00:01:15,606
Every month, some part of Jane
tells a story about itself.
17
00:01:15,608 --> 00:01:17,642
Last month it was her heart
18
00:01:17,644 --> 00:01:19,844
and before that
it was her liver.
19
00:01:19,846 --> 00:01:23,381
I'm getting to know Jane
inside out.
20
00:01:26,251 --> 00:01:28,452
[SIGHS]
21
00:01:28,454 --> 00:01:31,756
Something wrong
with Jane's kidney?
22
00:01:31,758 --> 00:01:34,225
Oh, no, I just can't
finish this.
23
00:01:34,227 --> 00:01:37,595
I keep reading
the same line over and over.
24
00:01:37,597 --> 00:01:39,698
You really miss Archie,
don't you, Ma?
25
00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:41,166
Oh, yeah.
26
00:01:41,168 --> 00:01:43,601
When I saw him put on
his little soldier cap
27
00:01:43,603 --> 00:01:46,270
and go off to his
veteran's convention,
28
00:01:46,272 --> 00:01:48,639
it reminded me
how much I missed him
29
00:01:48,641 --> 00:01:52,711
when he went off to Fort Dix
to fight Hitler.
30
00:01:57,349 --> 00:01:58,482
I don't understand, Ma.
31
00:01:58,484 --> 00:02:00,384
I mean, the convention's
in Manhattan.
32
00:02:00,386 --> 00:02:01,452
Why can't Archie sleep here?
33
00:02:01,454 --> 00:02:03,254
Why does he have
to sleep at a hotel?
34
00:02:03,256 --> 00:02:05,623
Well, it isn't just any hotel.
35
00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:08,392
It's the new Howard Johnson.
36
00:02:09,829 --> 00:02:11,863
Boy! Oh, boy!
37
00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:13,865
Oh, boy, oh, boy.
38
00:02:13,867 --> 00:02:14,966
Gloria, what's
the matter?
39
00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:16,267
You have a hard day?
40
00:02:16,269 --> 00:02:18,103
Michael, you don't know
the half of it.
41
00:02:18,105 --> 00:02:19,337
I thought everything
42
00:02:19,339 --> 00:02:21,139
that could possibly
happen to me on the subway
43
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:23,441
had already happened,
but tonight topped 'em all.
44
00:02:23,443 --> 00:02:24,442
Well,
what happened?
45
00:02:24,444 --> 00:02:25,676
I got a seat.
46
00:02:25,678 --> 00:02:27,545
[LAUGHS]
47
00:02:27,547 --> 00:02:28,747
You tricked me!
48
00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:30,648
She's always
doing that to me!
49
00:02:30,650 --> 00:02:31,716
Hi, Ma.
50
00:02:31,718 --> 00:02:34,052
Hi, Gloria.
You tricked me too.
51
00:02:34,054 --> 00:02:35,553
I'm sorry, Ma.
It's just that
52
00:02:35,555 --> 00:02:37,555
I'm in such a good mood
'cause it's Saturday night.
53
00:02:37,557 --> 00:02:39,758
And tomorrow's Sunday, which
means I got the whole day off.
54
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:40,759
And you bought
yourself something.
55
00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:41,760
[DOORBELL RINGS]
56
00:02:41,762 --> 00:02:42,994
Oh, yeah.
Wait till you see.
57
00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:44,395
What is it?
Michael, don't come up.
58
00:02:44,397 --> 00:02:46,297
It's a surprise.
I'll be right down. All right.
59
00:02:46,299 --> 00:02:47,799
Oh, hi, Frank!
Come in.
60
00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:48,800
Thank you.
61
00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:50,201
Hi, Mike.
Hey, Frank.
62
00:02:50,203 --> 00:02:53,471
Ah, Edith...you got
anything special on tonight?
63
00:02:53,473 --> 00:02:57,608
Oh, no. I've worn
this dress lots of times.
64
00:02:57,610 --> 00:03:00,745
No, no. I mean, Irene and I
are going to the movies.
65
00:03:00,747 --> 00:03:02,046
You wanna come with us?
66
00:03:02,048 --> 00:03:03,581
Oh, thank you.
67
00:03:03,583 --> 00:03:05,083
Are you sure
it's all right?
68
00:03:05,085 --> 00:03:06,184
You know what they say,
69
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,853
"Two's company,
three's a crowd."
70
00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:10,955
You want me
to ditch Irene?
71
00:03:12,624 --> 00:03:13,724
Frank!
72
00:03:13,726 --> 00:03:15,493
I'll send her out
for some popcorn
73
00:03:15,495 --> 00:03:16,494
and you and I can
74
00:03:16,496 --> 00:03:19,030
sneak up to
the balcony, huh?
75
00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:23,034
Oh, Frank.
You're so funny.
76
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:24,435
What do you say?
You wanna come?
77
00:03:24,437 --> 00:03:26,204
I'd love to.
Good!
78
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,205
I'll go
and tell Irene.
79
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:28,539
What's playing?
80
00:03:28,541 --> 00:03:31,409
Cries & Whispers,
an Ingmar Bergman picture.
81
00:03:31,411 --> 00:03:33,244
That must be
a new one.
82
00:03:33,246 --> 00:03:36,714
I've seen
every picture she's made.
83
00:03:36,716 --> 00:03:38,749
Oh, no, no.
Not Ingrid.
84
00:03:38,751 --> 00:03:41,252
Ingmar Bergman, the famous
Swedish director.
85
00:03:41,254 --> 00:03:43,654
Hey, Frank, do you mind
if Gloria and I go with you?
86
00:03:43,656 --> 00:03:44,655
Oh, it's a
pleasure!
87
00:03:44,657 --> 00:03:45,957
You're my guest.
88
00:03:45,959 --> 00:03:47,992
Oh, no, Frank, really.
I mean, we'll pay our own--
89
00:03:47,994 --> 00:03:50,195
No, no, no, no. I don't
want to hear about it.
90
00:03:50,197 --> 00:03:54,098
It's bad luck to go
Dutch treat to a Swedish movie.
91
00:03:54,100 --> 00:03:55,366
I'll call Gloria.
92
00:03:55,368 --> 00:03:57,568
Hey, Gloria! You wanna
go to the movies?!
93
00:03:57,570 --> 00:03:59,403
GLORIA: Love it!
Hurry it up!
94
00:03:59,405 --> 00:04:02,240
Think I'll wrap up a piece
of pie to take with me.
95
00:04:02,242 --> 00:04:06,644
I ain't never seen
a Swedish movie before.
96
00:04:06,646 --> 00:04:08,713
How will I know
what they're saying?
97
00:04:08,715 --> 00:04:10,014
Oh, don't worry.
98
00:04:10,016 --> 00:04:11,816
This one
will have subtitles along the bottom,
99
00:04:11,818 --> 00:04:14,018
Which is better than the
foreign film I saw last week,
100
00:04:14,020 --> 00:04:15,553
which had no subtitles
at all.
101
00:04:15,555 --> 00:04:18,256
I couldn't understand
a single word.
102
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:19,457
Oh, my.
103
00:04:19,459 --> 00:04:21,792
Because you couldn't
understand the language?
104
00:04:21,794 --> 00:04:23,694
How could I?
It was British.
105
00:04:23,696 --> 00:04:25,029
Well, you know
how they talk.
106
00:04:25,031 --> 00:04:26,697
[IMITATES BRITISH ACCENT]
Hello. Cheerio, old chap.
107
00:04:26,699 --> 00:04:29,334
[MUMBLES]
108
00:04:29,336 --> 00:04:30,735
God save the queen,
old boy!
109
00:04:30,737 --> 00:04:32,904
Frank, what time
does the movie start?
110
00:04:32,906 --> 00:04:34,339
Oh, uh,
it starts at 8:30.
111
00:04:34,341 --> 00:04:36,074
So let's be ready
in five minutes, huh?
112
00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:38,343
[IMITATES ENGLISH ACCENT]
Oh, cheerio, Reggie, old boy.
113
00:04:38,345 --> 00:04:39,978
[MUMBLES]
114
00:04:42,748 --> 00:04:45,516
[HUMMING GLAMOROUS TUNE]
115
00:04:56,661 --> 00:04:59,097
GLORIA:
Well, somebody say something.
116
00:04:59,099 --> 00:05:03,234
Gloria, look at you.
117
00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:04,769
You ain't you.
118
00:05:05,871 --> 00:05:06,871
Michael?
119
00:05:06,873 --> 00:05:09,040
Amazing.
120
00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:11,175
Well, do you like it?
I love it!
121
00:05:11,177 --> 00:05:13,778
[IMITATING GROUCHO MARX]
I suppose I should throw myself at your feet.
122
00:05:13,780 --> 00:05:15,813
But instead, I think
I'll throw myself at your head.
123
00:05:15,815 --> 00:05:16,814
That tickles!
124
00:05:16,816 --> 00:05:19,350
It's incredible,
Gloria!
125
00:05:19,352 --> 00:05:21,085
It changes
your whole personality.
126
00:05:21,087 --> 00:05:22,453
What made you buy it?
127
00:05:22,455 --> 00:05:25,423
Well, I got tired of
having to wash my hair every other day,
128
00:05:25,425 --> 00:05:27,425
and it was on sale
at Kressler's.
129
00:05:27,427 --> 00:05:30,161
The nice thing
about washing a wig
130
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,496
is that when you sit
under the dryer,
131
00:05:32,498 --> 00:05:35,233
you don't have to be there.
132
00:05:39,038 --> 00:05:41,039
I can't get over it.
133
00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:43,007
It makes you look so...
134
00:05:44,209 --> 00:05:46,377
Well, let me
put it this way. Oh!
135
00:05:46,379 --> 00:05:48,112
Now let me put it
this way.
136
00:05:48,114 --> 00:05:49,780
And let me
put it this way.
137
00:05:49,782 --> 00:05:53,517
Listen, I hate to
interrupt you, but if we don't get going,
138
00:05:53,519 --> 00:05:55,653
we'll miss the beginning
of the picture.
139
00:05:55,655 --> 00:05:56,654
Oh, yeah.
Come on, Michael.
140
00:05:56,656 --> 00:05:58,289
Gloria, I was
just thinking.
141
00:05:58,291 --> 00:06:01,492
Uh, maybe we shouldn't
go to the movies tonight.
142
00:06:02,828 --> 00:06:04,929
But, Michael,
it's Saturday night.
143
00:06:04,931 --> 00:06:08,399
Oh, big deal!
Saturday night.
144
00:06:08,401 --> 00:06:11,569
Gloria, it's only
lonely, unfulfilled people
145
00:06:11,571 --> 00:06:14,672
who have to go out
just because it's Saturday night.
146
00:06:14,674 --> 00:06:16,607
When two people
love each other,
147
00:06:16,609 --> 00:06:20,178
any night of the week
can be Saturday night.
148
00:06:20,180 --> 00:06:21,579
But, Michael,
I've been cooped up
149
00:06:21,581 --> 00:06:23,147
at the store
all day long,
150
00:06:23,149 --> 00:06:25,149
and I've really
been looking forward to going out tonight.
151
00:06:25,151 --> 00:06:27,952
We really ought to be going.
152
00:06:27,954 --> 00:06:30,021
Uh, Ma, just a second.
Excuse me, please.
153
00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:31,589
Gloria...
154
00:06:31,591 --> 00:06:33,591
think about it.
155
00:06:38,030 --> 00:06:41,232
We have the house
all to ourselves.
156
00:06:41,234 --> 00:06:42,566
The two of us.
157
00:06:42,568 --> 00:06:44,635
You and me, alone.
158
00:06:44,637 --> 00:06:46,270
Mike and Gloria.
159
00:06:46,272 --> 00:06:48,006
Together.
160
00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:49,640
Alone.
161
00:06:49,642 --> 00:06:52,243
Together. Alone.
162
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:53,744
Well--
163
00:06:53,746 --> 00:06:55,146
And you know what
I just remembered?
164
00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:56,714
You know what's
on TV tonight? No.
165
00:06:56,716 --> 00:06:57,848
Citizen Kane.
166
00:06:57,850 --> 00:06:59,450
Tonight?
Yeah!
167
00:06:59,452 --> 00:07:00,885
Really?
That's right!
168
00:07:00,887 --> 00:07:02,887
Oh, Ma. You go ahead
and go without us.
169
00:07:02,889 --> 00:07:04,122
We're gonna
stay home tonight.
170
00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:07,791
I think Mike wants
to be alone with you.
171
00:07:09,561 --> 00:07:12,563
Citizen Kane
is on tomorrow night.
172
00:07:12,565 --> 00:07:14,132
I know.
173
00:07:16,402 --> 00:07:18,202
Oh, well, bye, Mike!
174
00:07:18,204 --> 00:07:19,904
Oh.
Bye, Mom!
175
00:07:19,906 --> 00:07:22,073
And watch out
for that Frank Lorenzo.
176
00:07:22,075 --> 00:07:23,441
All right.
177
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,176
Oh, Mike!
178
00:07:30,782 --> 00:07:33,084
Honey, I'm so glad
you thought of it,
179
00:07:33,086 --> 00:07:34,485
'cause Citizen Kane
is supposed to be
180
00:07:34,487 --> 00:07:36,287
one of the really
great movies of all time.
181
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:37,888
So why don't
you turn on the TV
182
00:07:37,890 --> 00:07:39,090
and I'll be
right down, okay?
183
00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:40,191
Uh, where are
you going?
184
00:07:40,193 --> 00:07:41,792
I'm going upstairs
to take off the wig.
185
00:07:41,794 --> 00:07:43,761
No! I mean...no.
186
00:07:43,763 --> 00:07:45,263
Why don't you
leave it on?
187
00:07:45,265 --> 00:07:47,631
Well, I don't need it on
to watch TV.
188
00:07:47,633 --> 00:07:50,401
B-but think how much fun
it'll be, Gloria,
189
00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:51,635
sitting home
and watching television
190
00:07:51,637 --> 00:07:55,339
with a glamorous,
dark-haired movie star.
191
00:07:55,341 --> 00:07:56,907
Okay, Michael.
Come on, sit down.
192
00:07:58,177 --> 00:07:59,877
[SIGHS]
193
00:07:59,879 --> 00:08:01,745
Oh, will you please
turn on the TV?
194
00:08:01,747 --> 00:08:03,013
What for?
195
00:08:03,015 --> 00:08:06,551
Well, it'll be easier
to see Citizen Kane
196
00:08:06,553 --> 00:08:08,052
if the television set's on.
197
00:08:08,054 --> 00:08:09,053
Oh, yeah.
198
00:08:09,055 --> 00:08:11,722
Uh, well...it's not on yet.
199
00:08:11,724 --> 00:08:13,857
Oh, well, what time
does it come on?
200
00:08:13,859 --> 00:08:16,860
Uh...not tonight.
201
00:08:16,862 --> 00:08:17,861
What?
202
00:08:17,863 --> 00:08:19,263
Uh, don't get mad,
Gloria.
203
00:08:19,265 --> 00:08:20,798
Michael,
you tricked me!
204
00:08:20,800 --> 00:08:21,899
Gloria, I just wanted
205
00:08:21,901 --> 00:08:24,102
for the two of us
to be alone, that's all.
206
00:08:24,104 --> 00:08:25,703
Well, why'd you have to
lie to me?
207
00:08:25,705 --> 00:08:28,239
The truth wasn't
working so good.
208
00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:29,273
Get lost, you!
209
00:08:29,275 --> 00:08:31,675
I know, I know.
You're right, Gloria.
210
00:08:31,677 --> 00:08:33,911
The truth is
you're my wife and I love you,
211
00:08:33,913 --> 00:08:35,313
and, like I said,
212
00:08:35,315 --> 00:08:38,416
I just wanted for
the two of us to be alone, that's all.
213
00:08:38,418 --> 00:08:40,884
I'm-- I'm sorry
I lied to you.
214
00:08:40,886 --> 00:08:42,086
Well, that's all right,
Michael.
215
00:08:42,088 --> 00:08:43,954
We can watch Citizen Kane
tomorrow night.
216
00:08:43,956 --> 00:08:47,125
Well, Gloria, don't try
to make me feel bet--
217
00:08:47,127 --> 00:08:48,559
Tomorrow night?
218
00:08:48,561 --> 00:08:50,561
Yeah. That's
when it's on.
219
00:08:50,563 --> 00:08:52,163
I marked it here
in the TV Guide
220
00:08:52,165 --> 00:08:53,731
'cause I didn't want
to miss it.
221
00:08:53,733 --> 00:08:56,767
Gloria! You mean,
you knew Citizen Kane wasn't on tonight?
222
00:08:56,769 --> 00:08:58,136
Yeah.
223
00:08:59,371 --> 00:09:01,405
So why did you let me
go on like that,
224
00:09:01,407 --> 00:09:02,706
making a fool
out of myself?
225
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:05,143
'Cause you were saying
such beautiful things.
226
00:09:05,145 --> 00:09:06,477
You tricked me!
227
00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:07,845
That's right!
228
00:09:07,847 --> 00:09:08,846
Oh, Gloria!
I'll kill you!
229
00:09:08,848 --> 00:09:11,149
Your trick was worse
than my trick,
230
00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:12,550
because you knew
and I didn't know.
231
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,152
And what's worse,
you knew I didn't know!
232
00:09:14,154 --> 00:09:15,153
Michael,
calm down, calm down!
233
00:09:15,155 --> 00:09:16,354
Don't tell me
to calm down!
234
00:09:16,356 --> 00:09:18,156
Not until I tell you
what I have to!
235
00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:20,224
Last one up the stairs
is a rotten egg.
236
00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:21,359
No!
237
00:09:32,571 --> 00:09:33,837
Hey, Gloria.
238
00:09:33,839 --> 00:09:35,839
what's taking you
so long?
239
00:09:35,841 --> 00:09:37,408
I'm brushing
my teeth!
240
00:09:37,410 --> 00:09:38,842
Oh. Well,
hurry it up!
241
00:09:38,844 --> 00:09:40,911
I'll be right in,
honey!
242
00:09:59,331 --> 00:10:00,731
Sorry I took so long, honey.
243
00:10:00,733 --> 00:10:02,200
Oh, that's all right.
244
00:10:04,303 --> 00:10:06,270
Gloria, wh-what did you do?
245
00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:08,506
I don't know. What did I do?
246
00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:10,241
You took off the wig!
247
00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:12,710
Oh, yeah, sure.
I'm not gonna sleep in it.
248
00:10:12,712 --> 00:10:15,779
Yeah, but, honey...
249
00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:17,381
Honey, you look
so cute in it.
250
00:10:17,383 --> 00:10:19,617
Well, don't you think
I look cute without it?
251
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:22,253
Oh, sure, sure.
You look beautiful.
252
00:10:22,255 --> 00:10:23,821
Oh, tell me more.
253
00:10:23,823 --> 00:10:29,159
You know, I can't
get over how cute you looked in that wig.
254
00:10:29,161 --> 00:10:31,095
I'm glad, honey.
255
00:10:31,097 --> 00:10:33,097
I didn't think
you were gonna like it.
256
00:10:33,099 --> 00:10:34,665
Are you kidding me?
257
00:10:34,667 --> 00:10:37,301
I loved it!
It's beautiful!
258
00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:38,436
Put it on.
259
00:10:39,971 --> 00:10:42,373
No, honey, 'cause I have to
pin my hair and wrap it.
260
00:10:42,375 --> 00:10:44,041
It's a net.
It takes too long.
261
00:10:44,043 --> 00:10:45,175
I can wait.
262
00:10:46,511 --> 00:10:48,746
Come on, Michael,
come to bed. My feet are cold.
263
00:10:48,748 --> 00:10:51,982
Wait, wait, Gloria.
Just a second. Just a second.
264
00:10:51,984 --> 00:10:54,685
Do it for me, huh?
Just for me.
265
00:10:54,687 --> 00:10:55,886
Put the wig on,
huh?
266
00:10:55,888 --> 00:10:58,356
I-It makes you look
so...different.
267
00:10:59,491 --> 00:11:00,524
Different.
268
00:11:00,526 --> 00:11:02,793
Makes me look so different.
269
00:11:02,795 --> 00:11:04,629
Michael, I may be slow,
270
00:11:04,631 --> 00:11:07,831
but it's finally
getting through to me.
271
00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:09,066
I only appeal to you
272
00:11:09,068 --> 00:11:10,534
when I have this
dumb wig on!
273
00:11:10,536 --> 00:11:11,535
Gloria,
that's not true.
274
00:11:11,537 --> 00:11:12,670
Michael, it's not me.
275
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,071
It's this pile of hair
from Kressler's
276
00:11:14,073 --> 00:11:15,873
that's getting
to you.
277
00:11:15,875 --> 00:11:17,608
I just happen to be
standing underneath it.
278
00:11:17,610 --> 00:11:19,943
Gloria, how can you
say that?
279
00:11:19,945 --> 00:11:22,179
That's not true!
I love you with or without the wig.
280
00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:23,447
It's just that...
281
00:11:23,449 --> 00:11:25,616
right now,
I'd like you with the wig.
282
00:11:25,618 --> 00:11:26,950
Sure you would!
283
00:11:26,952 --> 00:11:28,051
Because that way,
284
00:11:28,053 --> 00:11:29,687
you can mess around
with a different girl
285
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:32,657
without cheating
on your wife!
286
00:11:32,659 --> 00:11:34,458
What a sickie!
287
00:11:34,460 --> 00:11:37,395
You're calling me
a sickie, Gloria?
288
00:11:37,397 --> 00:11:38,396
You're the sick one!
289
00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:40,030
You're jealous
of your own wig!
290
00:11:47,205 --> 00:11:50,808
All I know is that
you're in love
291
00:11:50,810 --> 00:11:52,976
with the fantasy figure
with dark hair.
292
00:11:52,978 --> 00:11:55,613
No! No, that's not true.
I'm in love with you, Gloria.
293
00:11:55,615 --> 00:11:56,814
Look, I wanna
show you something.
294
00:11:56,816 --> 00:11:58,349
Look at this.
Look at this here.
295
00:11:58,351 --> 00:11:59,650
You know what this is?
296
00:11:59,652 --> 00:12:02,653
Here, it's a whole
tray full of fantasy here.
297
00:12:02,655 --> 00:12:03,854
And look what
you've got here.
298
00:12:03,856 --> 00:12:05,790
Perfumes,
lipsticks, mascaras,
299
00:12:05,792 --> 00:12:06,990
blue eye shadow,
green eye shadow...
300
00:12:06,992 --> 00:12:09,760
false eyelashes.
301
00:12:09,762 --> 00:12:11,562
And what is all this
here for, Gloria?
302
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:13,564
All to make you
more attractive to me.
303
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,265
So why should you
mind the wig?
304
00:12:15,267 --> 00:12:17,735
Gee, honey, what are we
arguing about?
305
00:12:17,737 --> 00:12:19,136
Come on, put it on.
306
00:12:21,206 --> 00:12:23,073
No!
Why not?
307
00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:26,276
I'm not gonna be
the other woman in my own marriage!
308
00:12:26,278 --> 00:12:28,512
Honey, you're not
making any sense.
309
00:12:28,514 --> 00:12:30,247
Oh, yes, I am,
Michael!
310
00:12:30,249 --> 00:12:32,950
It's not me you're
attracted to...it's her!
311
00:12:32,952 --> 00:12:35,919
Well, the three of us
are not gonna share this bed tonight!
312
00:12:35,921 --> 00:12:38,121
I don't even think
I wanna share it with you!
313
00:12:38,123 --> 00:12:39,223
Oh, okay!
314
00:12:39,225 --> 00:12:40,825
If that's what you want,
Gloria, fine.
315
00:12:40,827 --> 00:12:42,360
That's okay.
I'll sleep on the couch.
316
00:12:42,362 --> 00:12:44,695
Good night!
Michael, wait! Wait!
317
00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:46,797
Don't forget
your girlfriend.
318
00:12:49,634 --> 00:12:52,035
I hope the two of you
will be very happy!
319
00:13:05,083 --> 00:13:07,551
Good morning, Gloria.
320
00:13:07,553 --> 00:13:09,052
Good morning.
321
00:13:09,054 --> 00:13:12,423
If you're looking for Mike,
he ain't here.
322
00:13:12,425 --> 00:13:13,724
I wasn't looking for him.
323
00:13:13,726 --> 00:13:15,426
Where'd he go?
324
00:13:15,428 --> 00:13:18,128
He went for a walk in the park.
325
00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:19,329
I hope he gets mugged...
326
00:13:20,932 --> 00:13:21,932
Gloria.
327
00:13:21,934 --> 00:13:24,368
...by someone wearing a wig.
328
00:13:24,370 --> 00:13:27,705
Gloria, I'll fix you
a nice breakfast.
329
00:13:27,707 --> 00:13:29,339
Then you'll feel better.
330
00:13:29,341 --> 00:13:31,174
No, thanks, Ma.
I have no appetite.
331
00:13:31,176 --> 00:13:34,512
Oh, it was
the same with Mike.
332
00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:36,847
He only ate
two pieces of bacon
333
00:13:36,849 --> 00:13:40,183
and he hardly touched
his third egg.
334
00:13:40,185 --> 00:13:42,286
[SARCASTICALLY]
Oh, the poor thing.
335
00:13:42,288 --> 00:13:45,222
Well, he was
very upset, Gloria.
336
00:13:45,224 --> 00:13:48,459
He told me about you
and him and the wig.
337
00:13:48,461 --> 00:13:51,862
Gloria,
I don't understand.
338
00:13:51,864 --> 00:13:54,932
What did he do
that made you so mad?
339
00:13:56,601 --> 00:13:58,702
Ma, how would you feel?
340
00:13:58,704 --> 00:14:01,639
I put on the wig,
and something came over him.
341
00:14:01,641 --> 00:14:03,140
He became sensuous
342
00:14:03,142 --> 00:14:05,108
and demanding
and passionate.
343
00:14:05,110 --> 00:14:06,444
It was terrible.
344
00:14:07,579 --> 00:14:09,447
I must have
missed something.
345
00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:12,215
What was
the terrible part?
346
00:14:14,719 --> 00:14:17,154
♪ Oh, the long
And the short and the tall ♪
347
00:14:17,156 --> 00:14:19,189
Gloria, here comes
your father!
348
00:14:19,191 --> 00:14:22,960
♪ There'll be no promotion
This side of the ocean ♪
349
00:14:22,962 --> 00:14:26,497
♪ So cheer up, my lads
Bless 'em all ♪
350
00:14:33,872 --> 00:14:37,274
Well, Edith...
as General MacArthur said,
351
00:14:37,276 --> 00:14:39,844
we have returned
Lafayette. Oh!
352
00:14:40,979 --> 00:14:44,748
My soldier boy
has returned!
353
00:14:44,750 --> 00:14:45,749
Yeah!
354
00:14:45,751 --> 00:14:49,687
Oh, Archie,
I missed you so much.
355
00:14:49,689 --> 00:14:52,055
Yeah, I know that,
Edith.
356
00:14:53,525 --> 00:14:55,158
Hi there,
little girl.
357
00:14:55,160 --> 00:14:56,827
Hi, Daddy.
358
00:14:56,829 --> 00:14:59,329
[MOCKINGLY]
Hi, Daddy.
359
00:14:59,331 --> 00:15:02,332
Jeez, that's
a swell greeting I get.
360
00:15:02,334 --> 00:15:04,034
What's the matter?
Anything wrong with you?
361
00:15:04,036 --> 00:15:07,805
I've seen happier faces
on iodine bottles.
362
00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:08,873
I'm fine.
363
00:15:08,875 --> 00:15:09,907
Did you have
364
00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,141
a good time
at your convention?
365
00:15:11,143 --> 00:15:12,710
Oh, yeah! We had--
366
00:15:12,712 --> 00:15:14,111
Well, yeah, but that
ain't the reason
367
00:15:14,113 --> 00:15:16,580
that we go to conventions,
to have a good time, you know.
368
00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:18,916
We've got a lot
of important things to do.
369
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,551
Edith, get coffee, huh?
Yes.
370
00:15:20,553 --> 00:15:23,387
So, yeah,
while we're there, we welcome new members.
371
00:15:23,389 --> 00:15:26,390
We go to meetings.
we attend them there,
372
00:15:26,392 --> 00:15:27,892
what do you call...
373
00:15:27,894 --> 00:15:29,259
secret crocuses.
374
00:15:33,398 --> 00:15:35,165
The most important thing we do
375
00:15:35,167 --> 00:15:38,201
is defend our country,
long may she wave,
376
00:15:38,203 --> 00:15:39,803
against
the bleeding-heart liberals,
377
00:15:39,805 --> 00:15:41,772
who want to destroy
the peace of this world
378
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:45,142
by taking the guns
away from our boys.
379
00:15:45,144 --> 00:15:48,478
Where's the meathead? I wish
he could hear some of this.
380
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:51,715
Didn't you have
any fun, Archie?
381
00:15:51,717 --> 00:15:53,417
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, sure, Edith.
382
00:15:53,419 --> 00:15:54,518
We had
a little fun.
383
00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:56,020
You know, just before
lights out,
384
00:15:56,022 --> 00:15:59,456
bend a few elbows,
have a few laughs.
385
00:15:59,458 --> 00:16:00,724
I tell you,
there's this guy,
386
00:16:00,726 --> 00:16:02,259
Jerry Cromwell,
from Jersey City, you know.
387
00:16:02,261 --> 00:16:04,628
He got himself
one of these electric cattle prods.
388
00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:06,597
He'd get into
the elevator, you know.
389
00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:08,666
He introduced himself
to the ladies from behind
390
00:16:08,668 --> 00:16:11,869
with a little
whoops, eh?
391
00:16:11,871 --> 00:16:16,173
Didn't he do
the same thing last year?
392
00:16:16,175 --> 00:16:18,809
Yeah, Edith,
he always does it.
393
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:21,411
That's, er, what do you
call it? Tradition.
394
00:16:21,413 --> 00:16:22,813
I mean,
that's what makes
395
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:25,148
the military what it is.
Tradition.
396
00:16:26,751 --> 00:16:28,485
Sounds like a million laughs.
397
00:16:28,487 --> 00:16:29,987
Now, listen, little girl...
398
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:33,423
we do just what we done
overseas there in WW2.
399
00:16:33,425 --> 00:16:35,025
Come back after
a hard day's fighting,
400
00:16:35,027 --> 00:16:38,228
you need a few laughs
to break up the monogamy.
401
00:16:41,199 --> 00:16:42,766
That's what
these conventions do.
402
00:16:42,768 --> 00:16:44,301
They break up monogamy.
403
00:16:44,303 --> 00:16:49,673
Some fun. A bunch of old goats
molesting unsuspecting women.
404
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,709
Ah, come on, now! Hey!
405
00:16:51,711 --> 00:16:53,677
There was no molesting, eh.
406
00:16:53,679 --> 00:16:56,313
Nobody laid a hand
on nobody else.
407
00:16:56,315 --> 00:16:57,547
Just every now and then,
408
00:16:57,549 --> 00:17:00,084
a little electric whoops
with the prod.
409
00:17:02,053 --> 00:17:03,520
It's a little
innocent fun.
410
00:17:03,522 --> 00:17:04,922
And them old goats
you're talking about
411
00:17:04,924 --> 00:17:06,123
are just like your father here.
412
00:17:06,125 --> 00:17:07,290
They're happy married men.
413
00:17:07,292 --> 00:17:09,326
Happily married men?
414
00:17:09,328 --> 00:17:11,962
Don't you tell me
about happily married men.
415
00:17:11,964 --> 00:17:14,665
Happily married men
are the worst lechers in the world.
416
00:17:14,667 --> 00:17:16,066
I should know,
417
00:17:16,068 --> 00:17:18,201
'cause I'm married
to a happily married man.
418
00:17:18,203 --> 00:17:19,870
What the hell's
this all about?
419
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:21,505
I don't wanna
talk about it!
420
00:17:21,507 --> 00:17:23,107
You just
talked about it!
421
00:17:23,109 --> 00:17:24,608
Will you
leave me alone?
422
00:17:24,610 --> 00:17:26,543
[MOANS]
423
00:17:26,545 --> 00:17:29,379
It's that time
of the month again, huh?
424
00:17:35,854 --> 00:17:37,287
No, Archie.
425
00:17:37,289 --> 00:17:39,790
Mike and Gloria
had a fight,
426
00:17:39,792 --> 00:17:42,225
and he walked out
of the house.
427
00:17:43,895 --> 00:17:48,132
You ain't just telling that
to make me feel good, are you?
428
00:17:48,134 --> 00:17:49,867
Archie!
429
00:17:49,869 --> 00:17:50,868
All right,
all right.
430
00:17:50,870 --> 00:17:52,736
Well, what happened,
anyway?
431
00:17:52,738 --> 00:17:54,104
Give me
the whole story.
432
00:17:54,106 --> 00:17:56,573
But don't make
any detours, huh?
433
00:17:56,575 --> 00:17:58,809
Just give it to me
short and sweet.
434
00:17:58,811 --> 00:18:00,477
All right.
435
00:18:00,479 --> 00:18:03,080
Mike fell in love with a wig.
436
00:18:11,422 --> 00:18:13,991
I didn't believe it neither,
but that's what
437
00:18:13,993 --> 00:18:17,327
Gloria said he did,
and she was there.
438
00:18:25,870 --> 00:18:29,239
You see,
Gloria bought this wig,
439
00:18:29,241 --> 00:18:32,542
and when she put it on,
she looked beautiful.
440
00:18:32,544 --> 00:18:34,411
Mike loved her
in it.
441
00:18:34,413 --> 00:18:36,980
Well, what's the matter
with that?
442
00:18:36,982 --> 00:18:40,818
Well, there's more,
but I can't talk about it.
443
00:18:43,554 --> 00:18:46,289
Force yourself,
huh?
444
00:18:48,993 --> 00:18:50,794
Well...
445
00:18:50,796 --> 00:18:54,765
Mike wanted her
to wear the wig when...
446
00:18:56,801 --> 00:18:58,268
When...
447
00:19:01,539 --> 00:19:04,908
Well, you know what
married people do...
448
00:19:04,910 --> 00:19:06,810
sometimes.
449
00:19:15,053 --> 00:19:16,686
Oh, here he is,
huh?
450
00:19:16,688 --> 00:19:18,321
Here's the--
Wait a minute!
451
00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:19,522
Where do you think
you're going?
452
00:19:19,524 --> 00:19:21,524
To talk
to Gloria. Oh, no, no.
453
00:19:21,526 --> 00:19:24,228
Hey! Hey, Gloria,
the meathead's back!
454
00:19:24,230 --> 00:19:26,130
Lock your door!
455
00:19:27,331 --> 00:19:29,233
My daughter
don't wanna
456
00:19:29,235 --> 00:19:31,235
talk to you,
you hair lover.
457
00:19:33,905 --> 00:19:35,605
I thought you were
still in the city
458
00:19:35,607 --> 00:19:38,275
making Times Square
safe for democracy.
459
00:19:38,277 --> 00:19:40,077
I want to
talk to you, though!
460
00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:43,313
Well, well, well.
Look who's here.
461
00:19:43,315 --> 00:19:45,883
Did you decide to come back
to finish your third egg?
462
00:19:45,885 --> 00:19:47,151
Gloria, I wanna
talk to you.
463
00:19:47,153 --> 00:19:49,552
Hey, hey,
did he eat three eggs?
464
00:19:51,990 --> 00:19:53,556
Gloria,
for the past hour,
465
00:19:53,558 --> 00:19:55,225
I've been walking
around in the park.
466
00:19:55,227 --> 00:19:57,627
Arm in arm with a wig?
467
00:19:57,629 --> 00:20:01,031
Will you stay
out of this, please?
468
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,432
I've been walking
in the park
469
00:20:02,434 --> 00:20:03,533
feeling terribly
guilty
470
00:20:03,535 --> 00:20:04,601
about what happened
last night.
471
00:20:04,603 --> 00:20:06,270
Then suddenly
it hit me.
472
00:20:06,272 --> 00:20:08,138
What am I feeling
guilty about?
473
00:20:08,140 --> 00:20:09,873
I mean,
what did I do wrong?
474
00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:12,075
Will somebody please tell me
what I did wrong?
475
00:20:12,077 --> 00:20:14,278
All I wanted to do
was make love to my wife.
476
00:20:14,280 --> 00:20:16,880
Hey, hey!
Cut that out!
477
00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:19,549
Edith don't wanna
talk about that!
478
00:20:19,551 --> 00:20:23,053
I ain't talking, Archie.
I'm just listening.
479
00:20:24,455 --> 00:20:26,890
Well, stifle yourself
and quit listening.
480
00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:28,292
Okay, Michael,
if you're gonna talk about
481
00:20:28,294 --> 00:20:31,195
our private problems
in front of the whole world,
482
00:20:31,197 --> 00:20:33,130
you might as well
tell 'em everything.
483
00:20:33,132 --> 00:20:35,933
You wanted to make love to me
because I was wearing a wig.
484
00:20:35,935 --> 00:20:39,402
You, buddy,
are a weirdwolf.
485
00:20:41,472 --> 00:20:43,540
Gloria, why did you
buy the wig?
486
00:20:43,542 --> 00:20:46,143
So I wouldn't have to shampoo
my hair every five minutes.
487
00:20:46,145 --> 00:20:47,945
No, now that is not
the only reason.
488
00:20:47,947 --> 00:20:50,547
You also know that you happen
to look very attractive in it.
489
00:20:50,549 --> 00:20:52,349
Well, I liked it. It worked.
490
00:20:52,351 --> 00:20:53,616
Worked?
491
00:20:53,618 --> 00:20:55,785
You need a dose of saltpeter
in your cornflakes!
492
00:21:04,595 --> 00:21:07,397
Michael...are you
actually saying
493
00:21:07,399 --> 00:21:10,667
that I'd turn myself
into a sex object for your pleasure?
494
00:21:10,669 --> 00:21:12,435
Sometimes, yes.
The same way
495
00:21:12,437 --> 00:21:14,137
I try to make myself
attractive for you.
496
00:21:14,139 --> 00:21:18,408
How do you do that?
Put a bag over your head?
497
00:21:18,410 --> 00:21:22,045
Why don't you run down to the
post office and salute a flag?
498
00:21:22,047 --> 00:21:24,281
If you go
with me!
499
00:21:26,284 --> 00:21:28,451
Gloria, honey,
believe me.
500
00:21:28,453 --> 00:21:29,987
It wasn't the wig.
501
00:21:29,989 --> 00:21:31,989
It was the fact that
you were wearing the wig.
502
00:21:31,991 --> 00:21:33,656
That's what did it.
503
00:21:33,658 --> 00:21:35,458
Gloria, remember the time
I went shopping with you,
504
00:21:35,460 --> 00:21:37,660
and you bought
that blue dress?
505
00:21:37,662 --> 00:21:39,263
There were three other girls
in that store
506
00:21:39,265 --> 00:21:40,364
trying on the same dress,
507
00:21:40,366 --> 00:21:42,132
but they didn't do
a thing for me.
508
00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:44,167
But when you put it on,
remember how I reacted?
509
00:21:44,169 --> 00:21:46,203
Yeah, you loved it.
510
00:21:46,205 --> 00:21:48,505
I didn't love
the dress, Gloria.
511
00:21:48,507 --> 00:21:50,807
I loved you
in the dress.
512
00:21:50,809 --> 00:21:53,043
If I saw that dress
on a hanger right now,
513
00:21:53,045 --> 00:21:54,444
it wouldn't do a thing
for me.
514
00:21:54,446 --> 00:21:56,513
I'd like to see you
on a hanger in the rain.
515
00:21:58,316 --> 00:22:00,617
MIKE:
Will you just stay out of this, please?
516
00:22:00,619 --> 00:22:04,154
Gloria, don't you see
what I'm trying to say?
517
00:22:05,556 --> 00:22:07,157
It's-- It's not the object
you're wearing.
518
00:22:07,159 --> 00:22:09,726
It's the fact that
you're wearing it.
519
00:22:12,763 --> 00:22:14,398
I love you, Gloria.
520
00:22:17,969 --> 00:22:20,070
Did you get any sleep
last night?
521
00:22:20,072 --> 00:22:21,972
No.
522
00:22:21,974 --> 00:22:23,506
Neither did I.
523
00:22:23,508 --> 00:22:26,109
I think I'm gonna go
take a little nap.
524
00:22:29,180 --> 00:22:31,148
I think I will too.
525
00:22:40,925 --> 00:22:42,392
A nap?
526
00:22:42,394 --> 00:22:45,595
They think
they're fooling me with that stuff.
527
00:22:45,597 --> 00:22:47,431
Oh, Archie.
528
00:22:47,433 --> 00:22:49,232
Don't give me
the "Oh, Archie!"
529
00:22:49,234 --> 00:22:50,667
You're sitting here.
You heard that.
530
00:22:50,669 --> 00:22:53,103
Did you get anything
out of that?
531
00:22:53,105 --> 00:22:55,572
Oh, yeah. They're
just like you and me.
532
00:22:55,574 --> 00:22:57,841
They ain't
like you and me!
533
00:22:57,843 --> 00:22:59,209
They ain't
like nobody!
534
00:22:59,211 --> 00:23:00,210
Oh.
535
00:23:00,212 --> 00:23:03,847
Yeah, Archie,
I remember one morning.
536
00:23:03,849 --> 00:23:06,049
It was
11 years ago.
537
00:23:06,051 --> 00:23:07,650
You came out
of the bathroom
538
00:23:07,652 --> 00:23:09,652
and you'd just
finished shaving.
539
00:23:09,654 --> 00:23:11,754
And you smelled
wonderful.
540
00:23:11,756 --> 00:23:14,391
And I gave you
a big kiss.
541
00:23:14,393 --> 00:23:17,160
And ever since then,
you made sure
542
00:23:17,162 --> 00:23:19,796
you smelled the same way
every morning.
543
00:23:21,265 --> 00:23:24,234
What has that
got to do with this?
544
00:23:24,236 --> 00:23:25,335
Everything.
545
00:23:25,337 --> 00:23:28,705
I know how Mike feels
about the wig.
546
00:23:28,707 --> 00:23:30,407
I feel the same way.
547
00:23:30,409 --> 00:23:35,912
Because there's something
about my Aqua Velva man.
548
00:23:59,970 --> 00:24:03,640
Archie, what do
you think?
549
00:24:04,775 --> 00:24:07,310
I think I need
another beer.
550
00:24:26,164 --> 00:24:30,367
ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recordedon tape before a live audience.
551
00:24:30,417 --> 00:24:34,967
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