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00:00:02,835 --> 00:00:05,670
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:09,340
♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪
3
00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:13,011
♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪
4
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:16,280
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:16,282 --> 00:00:19,317
♪ And you knewWhere you were then ♪
6
00:00:19,319 --> 00:00:23,622
♪ Girls were girlsAnd men were men ♪
7
00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:30,428
♪ Mister, we could use a manLike Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:30,430 --> 00:00:33,031
♪ Didn't needNo welfare state ♪
9
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:36,567
♪ Everybody pulledHis weight ♪
10
00:00:36,569 --> 00:00:40,905
♪ Gee, our old LaSalleRan great ♪
11
00:00:40,907 --> 00:00:46,711
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:54,453 --> 00:00:56,554
Oh, Ma, that's one of the
prettiest christening dresses
13
00:00:56,556 --> 00:00:57,989
I've ever seen.
14
00:00:57,991 --> 00:01:03,461
Yeah. I hope the reverend don't
wet it when he names the baby.
15
00:01:03,463 --> 00:01:08,033
I remember when Cousin Emily was
baptized. Her dress was ruined!
16
00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:10,368
Gee. How could
a little sprinkle do that?
17
00:01:10,370 --> 00:01:14,305
Well, in Cousin Emily's case, it
wasn't the reverend who did it.
18
00:01:14,307 --> 00:01:16,507
It was Cousin Emily.
19
00:01:17,810 --> 00:01:19,310
You're crazy!
Pay up.
20
00:01:19,312 --> 00:01:20,845
What for?
You lost the bet.
21
00:01:20,847 --> 00:01:22,681
You made the bet
and you lost the bet--
22
00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:24,415
GLORIA:
Hey! What's the matter?
23
00:01:24,417 --> 00:01:26,217
The matter is, your husband
ain't got no honor.
24
00:01:26,219 --> 00:01:27,552
You know that?
He's a welsher.
25
00:01:27,554 --> 00:01:29,954
He made me a bet of a dollar,
he lost the bet,
26
00:01:29,956 --> 00:01:31,156
and now
he won't pay up.
27
00:01:31,158 --> 00:01:33,391
You know that joke
was funny!
28
00:01:33,393 --> 00:01:35,160
Arch, the joke
was not funny!
29
00:01:35,162 --> 00:01:36,594
You didn't see me
laugh, did you?
30
00:01:36,596 --> 00:01:40,865
I seen you
trying not to laugh.
31
00:01:40,867 --> 00:01:44,335
But you didn't fool me, because
I seen your mustache twitching.
32
00:01:45,504 --> 00:01:47,405
What is this
all about?
33
00:01:47,407 --> 00:01:48,472
I bet him a dollar
34
00:01:48,474 --> 00:01:49,874
that if he could hear
Stretch Cunningham
35
00:01:49,876 --> 00:01:52,543
tell one of his own jokes
in his own voice,
36
00:01:52,545 --> 00:01:54,879
that he had to laugh,
he'd think it was funny.
37
00:01:54,881 --> 00:01:56,748
Can you believe
he actually tape-recorded
38
00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:58,416
Stretch telling one
of those rotten jokes!
39
00:01:58,418 --> 00:01:59,884
That's right.
Right here.
40
00:01:59,886 --> 00:02:02,453
Hey! Daddy,
did you buy that?
41
00:02:02,455 --> 00:02:04,555
No, no, Stretch
loaned it to me.
42
00:02:04,557 --> 00:02:09,094
He uses it to try out
his jokes on himself, see?
43
00:02:10,362 --> 00:02:12,330
Now, listen
to this.
44
00:02:12,332 --> 00:02:14,165
No, I don't want
to listen to that again.
45
00:02:14,167 --> 00:02:15,466
It stinks, Arch.
46
00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:16,801
Just wrap up
the sandwiches, Gloria.
47
00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:18,002
Let's get going.
48
00:02:18,004 --> 00:02:19,570
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute!
49
00:02:19,572 --> 00:02:21,840
Pay me the buck before
you go on your vacation.
50
00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:22,974
No!
Daddy.
51
00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:24,242
It's not a vacation.
52
00:02:24,244 --> 00:02:25,643
It's a weekend seminar
in the mountains.
53
00:02:25,645 --> 00:02:28,012
It's a sociology study group.
54
00:02:28,014 --> 00:02:29,948
It's a working weekend
for Michael.
55
00:02:29,950 --> 00:02:31,315
"A working weekend,"
56
00:02:31,317 --> 00:02:33,918
I know what that meathead's
gonna be working on
57
00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:37,222
as soon as youse two
get up in the woods alone.
58
00:02:37,224 --> 00:02:39,357
Funny, Arch.
59
00:02:39,359 --> 00:02:40,691
Hey, I'm back.
60
00:02:40,693 --> 00:02:42,727
ARCHIE: Yeah. Come on, close
the door, Irene. It's cold.
61
00:02:42,729 --> 00:02:44,662
I got the weather stripping
for your cellar door.
62
00:02:44,664 --> 00:02:46,464
Come on, you welsh!
You pay me a buck!
63
00:02:46,466 --> 00:02:47,465
No!
64
00:02:47,467 --> 00:02:48,532
Come on, Gloria.
Let's go.
65
00:02:48,534 --> 00:02:50,135
Well, you can go,
but not with that.
66
00:02:50,137 --> 00:02:51,136
Daddy!
67
00:02:51,138 --> 00:02:52,536
What are you doing?
Give that back.
68
00:02:52,538 --> 00:02:53,738
That's our lunches!
Give that back!
69
00:02:53,740 --> 00:02:55,339
You want the lunch,
pay me the buck.
70
00:02:55,341 --> 00:02:56,574
Oh, forget it,
Michael.
71
00:02:56,576 --> 00:02:57,642
Pay him and let's go.
72
00:02:57,644 --> 00:02:58,709
No. It would be lying.
73
00:02:58,711 --> 00:03:00,311
In my opinion,
that joke was not funny.
74
00:03:00,313 --> 00:03:02,613
And in my opinion,
as the head of this house,
75
00:03:02,615 --> 00:03:05,116
the joke was damn funny.
76
00:03:05,118 --> 00:03:06,584
All right.
77
00:03:06,586 --> 00:03:08,853
All right, why don't we have
somebody else judge it, okay?
78
00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:11,489
All right. If you can get
an indepartial judge.
79
00:03:11,491 --> 00:03:13,057
Uh,
how about Irene?
80
00:03:13,059 --> 00:03:14,058
All right, sure.
81
00:03:14,060 --> 00:03:15,226
Come on, Irene.
82
00:03:15,228 --> 00:03:16,861
Get over here
and judge this thing here.
83
00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:19,063
Oh, no, you're not getting me
involved in a family argument.
84
00:03:19,065 --> 00:03:20,131
Come on.
Come on, Irene.
85
00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:21,299
Oh, come on,
Irene, please?
86
00:03:21,301 --> 00:03:22,667
Because we
have to go.
87
00:03:22,669 --> 00:03:24,669
Come on, this won't take long.
Just sit right down.
88
00:03:24,671 --> 00:03:27,672
Get out of here,
youse two!
89
00:03:27,674 --> 00:03:29,473
Now you listen to this
and you tell me
90
00:03:29,475 --> 00:03:31,776
if Stretch Cunningham ain't
the funniest guy you ever heard.
91
00:03:31,778 --> 00:03:33,611
Hey, hey.
Don't prejudice her.
92
00:03:33,613 --> 00:03:34,879
What are you
talking about prejudice?
93
00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:36,314
Stretch Cunningham's
a white guy.
94
00:03:38,617 --> 00:03:41,719
Now, you may have heard some
funny comedians in your time,
95
00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:45,489
Milton Berlin,
Don Trickles and them, see,
96
00:03:45,491 --> 00:03:48,526
but when you hear this guy here,
you're sure gonna laugh.
97
00:03:48,528 --> 00:03:50,929
All right, hold it,
everybody. Now!
98
00:03:50,931 --> 00:03:52,563
STRETCH [ON TAPE RECORDER]:
Hi, everybody!
99
00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:54,398
This isStretch Cunningham talking.
100
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:55,834
You know how you can tell
101
00:03:55,836 --> 00:03:57,969
when an elephant's beenin the refrigerator?
102
00:03:57,971 --> 00:04:00,872
You find his footprintsin the butter!
103
00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:03,174
Ha ha! Ha!
104
00:04:03,176 --> 00:04:05,409
Ha ha ha! Huh?
105
00:04:06,912 --> 00:04:10,215
I'll get your door fixed
in just a few minutes, Edith.
106
00:04:11,383 --> 00:04:12,583
MICHAEL:
Come on, Gloria. Let's go.
107
00:04:12,585 --> 00:04:15,786
Come on, Irene.
That was a funny joke.
108
00:04:15,788 --> 00:04:17,755
You didn't laugh at it.
What's the big idea?
109
00:04:17,757 --> 00:04:19,157
No big idea.
110
00:04:19,159 --> 00:04:20,491
No big joke either.
111
00:04:20,493 --> 00:04:21,726
Aw!
112
00:04:21,728 --> 00:04:23,928
Arch, you can forget
the buck you owe me.
113
00:04:23,930 --> 00:04:26,464
Yeah. And use it to give
that joke a decent burial.
114
00:04:26,466 --> 00:04:28,099
ARCHIE:
Get out of here!
115
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:30,068
Well, bye, everybody.
EDITH: Bye!
116
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:32,103
Hey, Ma, have a nice time
in Scranton.
117
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:34,005
Thanks.
Bye, Daddy.
118
00:04:34,007 --> 00:04:35,039
[LAUGHS]
119
00:04:35,041 --> 00:04:36,074
I got the sandwiches!
120
00:04:36,076 --> 00:04:38,076
[LAUGHING]
121
00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:39,277
We'll see you
tomorrow night
122
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:40,879
if you're still up
when we get home.
123
00:04:40,881 --> 00:04:42,446
Have a good time
in the woods.
124
00:04:42,448 --> 00:04:45,149
Say hello to
the pinko patrol up there.
125
00:04:45,151 --> 00:04:48,219
Got the sandwiches.
126
00:04:48,221 --> 00:04:51,022
Archie, I can use
your finger here.
127
00:04:51,024 --> 00:04:53,992
Yeah, all right.
Hurry up, will you?
128
00:04:53,994 --> 00:04:56,494
I'm so worried about going away
for the whole weekend.
129
00:04:56,496 --> 00:04:58,763
Are you sure you're
gonna be all right?
130
00:04:58,765 --> 00:05:01,665
I'm a grown man, Edith.
I can take care of myself.
131
00:05:01,667 --> 00:05:02,767
Ow!
132
00:05:02,769 --> 00:05:05,303
Jeez!
You strangled my nail.
133
00:05:06,772 --> 00:05:11,342
I'm sorry. You want me
to kiss it and make it better?
134
00:05:11,344 --> 00:05:15,013
Shush!
Irene's standing there!
135
00:05:17,082 --> 00:05:20,118
You want me to kiss it
and make it better?
136
00:05:21,253 --> 00:05:23,687
Cut the funnies,
huh, Irene?
137
00:05:23,689 --> 00:05:25,123
Will you hurry up?
138
00:05:25,125 --> 00:05:27,325
If you don't get that dress
there to Scranton in time,
139
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:29,727
they'll be baptizing
the baby in the nude.
140
00:05:29,729 --> 00:05:31,162
Come on!
141
00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:32,763
Come on!
You're missing that bus.
142
00:05:32,765 --> 00:05:35,599
The last bus to Scranton
leaves at 5:00 tonight.
143
00:05:35,601 --> 00:05:36,935
Yeah, all right.
144
00:05:36,937 --> 00:05:40,071
All your meals
are in the icebox.
145
00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:44,542
Everything's labeled,
so you can't go wrong.
146
00:05:44,544 --> 00:05:48,012
Did you label
the beer cans too?
147
00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:49,880
No.
Do you want me to?
148
00:05:49,882 --> 00:05:50,915
No, no!
149
00:05:50,917 --> 00:05:53,151
Go! Here, come on,
will you?
150
00:05:53,153 --> 00:05:54,685
I'm sorry.
151
00:05:54,687 --> 00:05:56,487
Bye, Archie.
152
00:05:56,489 --> 00:05:58,289
Oh! Mwah.
153
00:05:58,291 --> 00:05:59,890
I wish you were
coming with me.
154
00:05:59,892 --> 00:06:01,859
It's cold and the air
is coming in here.
155
00:06:01,861 --> 00:06:03,527
Oh! Irene!
156
00:06:03,529 --> 00:06:04,996
Goodbye.
157
00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:07,165
Goodbye, Edith. Don't do
anything I wouldn't do.
158
00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:08,333
All right.
159
00:06:08,335 --> 00:06:09,367
Oh!
160
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:11,569
[LAUGHING]
161
00:06:11,571 --> 00:06:13,537
Come on, will you?
162
00:06:13,539 --> 00:06:15,206
Will you
get going!
163
00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:17,308
All right, Archie!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
164
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:18,376
Yeah.
165
00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:20,311
Goodbye, house.
166
00:06:20,313 --> 00:06:22,313
Oh...
167
00:06:24,249 --> 00:06:25,649
Oh, well, all right, Irene.
168
00:06:25,651 --> 00:06:28,486
Not to be disneighborly
or anything, but you're next.
169
00:06:28,488 --> 00:06:30,254
Are you finished here?
170
00:06:30,256 --> 00:06:32,256
Yeah, your door
is all fixed now.
171
00:06:32,258 --> 00:06:35,026
You got a draft-proof
strip on the bottom
172
00:06:35,028 --> 00:06:36,760
and you got
a burglar-proof lock.
173
00:06:36,762 --> 00:06:38,929
Oh! Oh! One thing
about this lock.
174
00:06:38,931 --> 00:06:41,932
Be sure and turn the knob
to the left
175
00:06:41,934 --> 00:06:43,901
because that clicks on
the safety latch.
176
00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:46,070
If you turn it to the right,
it locks.
177
00:06:46,072 --> 00:06:47,271
Yeah, I know all--
178
00:06:47,273 --> 00:06:48,873
You can't open it
from the other side.
179
00:06:48,875 --> 00:06:49,940
I know about them locks.
180
00:06:49,942 --> 00:06:51,876
Well, I just wanted
to show you.
181
00:06:51,878 --> 00:06:53,811
And I put on that automatic
closer, last week.
182
00:06:53,813 --> 00:06:56,114
And--
Boy, that closes fast!
183
00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:57,915
Maybe I'd better just
ease it back a little.
184
00:06:57,917 --> 00:07:00,318
No! Don't worry about it. Leave
it alone. It'll be all right.
185
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,453
It'll just take a minute.
No, no, no.
186
00:07:02,455 --> 00:07:04,222
You shouldn't stay here,
you know.
187
00:07:04,224 --> 00:07:06,624
Because you and me alone
here in the house like this,
188
00:07:06,626 --> 00:07:08,726
it, uh-- It don't look--
189
00:07:08,728 --> 00:07:09,927
What do you call it?
190
00:07:09,929 --> 00:07:12,263
Good.
191
00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:13,964
Oh, you're right.
192
00:07:13,966 --> 00:07:16,734
You know what Frank would say
if he caught us together?
193
00:07:16,736 --> 00:07:18,136
What?
194
00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:21,739
"You can do better
than that, Irene."
195
00:07:21,741 --> 00:07:23,508
Aw!
196
00:07:23,510 --> 00:07:25,910
[LAUGHING]
197
00:07:25,912 --> 00:07:29,280
Cut it out! You're as nutty
as your old man.
198
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:33,284
I had you going there
for a minute, didn't I, Archie?
199
00:07:33,286 --> 00:07:34,485
Here's your tools.
200
00:07:34,487 --> 00:07:36,220
Listen, why don't you
come on over
201
00:07:36,222 --> 00:07:38,089
and stay with
Frank and me today?
202
00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:39,357
At least
you'll be warmer.
203
00:07:39,359 --> 00:07:41,359
It's all right.
I'm just gonna be by myself.
204
00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:42,960
Anyway, I gotta wait
for the oil man.
205
00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:44,395
He was gonna
make a delivery.
206
00:07:44,397 --> 00:07:45,729
Well, if you change
your mind.
207
00:07:45,731 --> 00:07:47,731
Yeah, well, I ain't gonna
change my mind, Irene.
208
00:07:47,733 --> 00:07:48,799
Goodbye.
209
00:07:48,801 --> 00:07:50,401
Yeah, bye!
210
00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:53,671
Whoop-dee-doo!
211
00:07:53,673 --> 00:07:54,972
Alone at last.
212
00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:56,174
I'll watch a little TV,
213
00:07:56,176 --> 00:07:58,642
have a little beer
for myself in here.
214
00:08:00,045 --> 00:08:04,248
And first of all,
try out this little item here.
215
00:08:04,250 --> 00:08:05,450
Huh?
216
00:08:05,452 --> 00:08:08,252
First of all,
we turn Stretch over.
217
00:08:08,254 --> 00:08:09,753
Yeah, you're
a funny guy, Stretch.
218
00:08:09,755 --> 00:08:12,056
I don't give a damn
what they say.
219
00:08:12,058 --> 00:08:14,658
Ah.
220
00:08:14,660 --> 00:08:16,660
This is for record, there.
221
00:08:16,662 --> 00:08:18,896
[CLEARS THROAT]
222
00:08:20,065 --> 00:08:22,733
[SUAVELY]
Good evening, folks.
223
00:08:24,570 --> 00:08:28,206
This is Archie Bunker talking
to you from the Gardenia Room,
224
00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:31,008
704 Hauser Street.
225
00:08:31,010 --> 00:08:33,344
♪ All alone ♪
226
00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:35,646
♪ I'm so all alone ♪
227
00:08:35,648 --> 00:08:39,617
♪ There is no one here but me ♪
228
00:08:39,619 --> 00:08:43,321
♪ All alone
By the telephone ♪
229
00:08:43,323 --> 00:08:49,727
♪ Waiting for
A ring-a-ting-a-ling ♪
230
00:08:49,729 --> 00:08:51,362
Jeez, it's cold!
231
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:53,464
It's freezing in here.
232
00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:55,533
Let's see what this is.
233
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:59,237
♪ The thermostat says-- ♪
234
00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:02,173
Sixty-four! Jeez!
235
00:09:02,175 --> 00:09:05,709
♪ Down the cellar I go ♪
236
00:09:05,711 --> 00:09:08,613
♪ To check that fuel supply ♪
237
00:09:24,196 --> 00:09:26,464
ARCHIE:
Uh-oh!
238
00:09:38,777 --> 00:09:42,112
Thank you, Irene Lorenzo.
239
00:09:44,883 --> 00:09:50,154
Well. Try the old
cellar door here.
240
00:09:52,691 --> 00:09:54,892
[GRUNTS]
241
00:09:57,563 --> 00:09:59,730
Pah! Locked!
242
00:09:59,732 --> 00:10:01,465
Hey, anybody!
243
00:10:01,467 --> 00:10:04,235
There's a guy
down the cellar here!
244
00:10:08,940 --> 00:10:11,108
Force that door...
245
00:10:15,247 --> 00:10:17,715
[GRUNTS]
246
00:10:30,429 --> 00:10:32,563
Oh!
247
00:10:49,715 --> 00:10:51,382
[GROANS]
248
00:10:55,420 --> 00:10:57,688
A tool here.
249
00:10:58,890 --> 00:11:00,057
Ah!
250
00:11:00,059 --> 00:11:01,359
Chains.
251
00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:04,995
Who would keep
all this crapola down here?
252
00:11:06,498 --> 00:11:08,266
Yeah!
253
00:11:14,873 --> 00:11:17,040
[MUTTERS]
254
00:11:32,324 --> 00:11:36,661
Ow! Jeez! Ow! Ow!
255
00:11:36,663 --> 00:11:39,196
Oh!
256
00:11:39,198 --> 00:11:43,133
[MOANS]
257
00:11:43,135 --> 00:11:45,002
I'm locked in the cellar!
258
00:11:54,279 --> 00:11:56,714
It's colder down here
than upstairs.
259
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:59,583
Why not? It's the cellar.
260
00:12:01,520 --> 00:12:04,888
Let's check the oil here.
261
00:12:04,890 --> 00:12:06,390
Not a drop left.
262
00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:09,827
Thank you, Arabs.
263
00:12:19,938 --> 00:12:22,473
I want something here
to put over myself.
264
00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:24,241
I'll freeze to death down here.
265
00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:25,676
What's this?
266
00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:29,347
Ah. Gloria's crayons.
I know what we'll do here.
267
00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:33,016
I know what we'll do,
a little note.
268
00:12:33,018 --> 00:12:35,252
"Help.
269
00:12:35,254 --> 00:12:40,257
Man...in...cellar."
270
00:12:51,936 --> 00:12:53,671
Hey! Anybody!
271
00:12:53,673 --> 00:12:55,939
There's a note up there!
272
00:12:59,444 --> 00:13:01,579
Oh, jeez...
273
00:13:03,214 --> 00:13:06,350
[MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]
274
00:13:11,790 --> 00:13:14,291
There's nothing.
275
00:13:20,331 --> 00:13:22,199
What's this?
276
00:13:32,110 --> 00:13:34,445
Polish vodka.
277
00:13:40,852 --> 00:13:44,488
What's this doing down here?
A card.
278
00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:46,457
"Gloria and Mike.
279
00:13:46,459 --> 00:13:48,759
"Best wishes
on your wedding day.
280
00:13:48,761 --> 00:13:51,161
"May all your troubles
be little ones.
281
00:13:51,163 --> 00:13:53,531
Uncle Casmir."
282
00:13:53,533 --> 00:13:54,865
That dumbbell from Chicago.
283
00:13:57,302 --> 00:14:01,705
Well, Casmir, here's to you.
284
00:14:07,078 --> 00:14:08,813
Nothing.
285
00:14:08,815 --> 00:14:10,648
Ooh!
286
00:14:13,485 --> 00:14:15,619
Jeez.
287
00:14:15,621 --> 00:14:18,489
That was a while coming, there.
288
00:14:25,664 --> 00:14:27,631
[BELCHES]
289
00:14:29,835 --> 00:14:31,836
Yeah.
290
00:14:31,838 --> 00:14:34,505
"One hundred proof."
291
00:14:35,774 --> 00:14:38,542
Boy, that's a blanket
in a bottle.
292
00:14:50,321 --> 00:14:53,190
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
293
00:15:14,445 --> 00:15:16,179
Hello.
294
00:15:19,150 --> 00:15:22,052
Hello? What do you want?
295
00:15:24,789 --> 00:15:28,058
If you don't wanna talk to me,
to hell with you.
296
00:15:31,730 --> 00:15:32,596
Jeez.
297
00:15:35,967 --> 00:15:38,068
Oh, the time.
298
00:15:39,303 --> 00:15:41,171
It stopped.
299
00:15:42,874 --> 00:15:44,742
[GRUNTS]
300
00:15:46,444 --> 00:15:48,311
Gloria!
301
00:15:50,849 --> 00:15:52,716
Mike, Gloria!
302
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:57,254
They ain't home.
303
00:15:58,757 --> 00:16:01,358
It must be Sunday.
304
00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:03,326
If it ain't Monday.
305
00:16:03,328 --> 00:16:05,996
Holy... Ugh...
306
00:16:07,666 --> 00:16:11,535
I could croak down here
and nobody would know.
307
00:16:18,810 --> 00:16:21,244
I know what I've got to do.
308
00:16:42,067 --> 00:16:44,802
Last will and tentacle.
309
00:16:50,241 --> 00:16:55,779
This is Archie Bunker,
704 Hauser Street,
310
00:16:55,781 --> 00:17:01,652
speaking to you from the cellar
of 704 Hauser Street.
311
00:17:03,521 --> 00:17:05,489
To my wife, Edith Bunker,
312
00:17:05,491 --> 00:17:09,226
to her all my worldly goods
313
00:17:09,228 --> 00:17:12,630
I do endow,
314
00:17:12,632 --> 00:17:17,034
including the house,
704 Hauser Street,
315
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:21,538
and everything in it,
except the following items.
316
00:17:21,540 --> 00:17:24,541
To my son-in-law,
Meathead Stivic,
317
00:17:24,543 --> 00:17:29,312
I leave my original
48-star American flag,
318
00:17:29,314 --> 00:17:32,750
leaving out Alaska and Hawaii.
319
00:17:36,487 --> 00:17:39,757
To my dear daughter,
Gloria Bunker,
320
00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:44,928
who I forgive
for marrying the above,
321
00:17:44,930 --> 00:17:48,532
I leave my personal
living-room chair
322
00:17:48,534 --> 00:17:52,302
for her to use as a centralpiece
323
00:17:52,304 --> 00:17:56,506
in her own someday living room.
324
00:17:59,144 --> 00:18:03,080
To Mrs. Irene Lorenzo...
325
00:18:06,184 --> 00:18:08,719
who killed me...
326
00:18:16,828 --> 00:18:20,197
To Mrs. Irene Lorenzo--
327
00:18:20,199 --> 00:18:23,633
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
328
00:18:36,147 --> 00:18:39,183
That was a hell of a sleep.
329
00:18:40,618 --> 00:18:43,353
Another day gone by.
330
00:18:45,489 --> 00:18:48,125
Maybe it's Tuesday,
331
00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:50,460
if it ain't Wednesday.
332
00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:52,362
Ohh...
333
00:18:52,364 --> 00:18:56,033
Last will and tail.
334
00:18:56,035 --> 00:18:59,002
I want to say to my son-in-law,
335
00:18:59,004 --> 00:19:03,306
Meathead, you take care
of my little girl.
336
00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:07,544
Don't you ever go
on the welfare. Support her.
337
00:19:07,546 --> 00:19:10,147
Don't worry, Arch,
I'll take care of her.
338
00:19:10,149 --> 00:19:13,383
She's my responsibility now
and I'll provide for her.
339
00:19:13,385 --> 00:19:18,922
Remember the words of our great
president Richard E. Nixon...
340
00:19:21,860 --> 00:19:27,464
who said, "Don't expect nothing
from your government."
341
00:19:36,340 --> 00:19:39,076
Pay your own way.
342
00:19:39,078 --> 00:19:40,443
Arch, did Nixon say that
343
00:19:40,445 --> 00:19:42,980
before or after the government
shelled out $2 million
344
00:19:42,982 --> 00:19:45,282
for his private houses?
345
00:19:45,284 --> 00:19:47,985
Oh, that's awful.
346
00:19:47,987 --> 00:19:51,621
He answers me back
even when he ain't here.
347
00:19:53,057 --> 00:19:56,059
Daddy, don't worry about us.
What about Mom?
348
00:19:56,061 --> 00:20:00,898
Oh, God takes care
of dingbats, little girl.
349
00:20:00,900 --> 00:20:02,399
Where is your mother?
350
00:20:02,401 --> 00:20:04,367
Right here, Archie.
351
00:20:04,369 --> 00:20:09,239
Oh, yeah,
there you are, Edith.
352
00:20:09,241 --> 00:20:11,909
How are you managing
without me?
353
00:20:11,911 --> 00:20:14,778
Oh, we're fine.
354
00:20:14,780 --> 00:20:17,547
I don't wanna hear that.
355
00:20:19,083 --> 00:20:20,650
How are you gonna be fine?
356
00:20:20,652 --> 00:20:23,620
How youse all gonna live
without me around?
357
00:20:23,622 --> 00:20:25,222
Oh, Daddy,
we'll be all right.
358
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,958
Why, Ma just won $2
from the Daily News
359
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:31,228
for writing her most
embarrassing moment.
360
00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:34,331
Yeah.
I'll read it to you.
361
00:20:34,333 --> 00:20:37,034
"My most embarrassing moment.
362
00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:42,139
I went down the cellar
and found Archie dead."
363
00:20:49,948 --> 00:20:51,315
Bye, Arch.
364
00:20:51,317 --> 00:20:52,615
Bye, Daddy.
Bye, Archie.
365
00:20:52,617 --> 00:20:55,986
No! Edith, come back here.
Come back here.
366
00:20:55,988 --> 00:20:59,789
Oh, Archie, I'm glad
you called me back.
367
00:20:59,791 --> 00:21:01,959
I've got something to tell you.
368
00:21:01,961 --> 00:21:04,027
I know you'll be upset,
369
00:21:04,029 --> 00:21:06,096
because this is a thing
370
00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:10,767
that a guy
don't usually tell a woman.
371
00:21:10,769 --> 00:21:14,271
I love you, Edith.
372
00:21:14,273 --> 00:21:16,874
I know, Archie.
373
00:21:16,876 --> 00:21:21,178
You mean I didn't have to
tell you, then?
374
00:21:21,180 --> 00:21:23,546
No.
375
00:21:23,548 --> 00:21:26,350
Then why didn't you stop me?
376
00:21:26,352 --> 00:21:28,518
Oh, I'm sorry.
377
00:21:28,520 --> 00:21:31,321
Oh, that's all right, Edith.
378
00:21:31,323 --> 00:21:33,390
I forgive you.
379
00:21:33,392 --> 00:21:37,027
Here, give me
a kiss, Edith.
380
00:21:37,029 --> 00:21:40,097
Here, Edith. Come here, Edith,
and give me a kiss.
381
00:21:41,232 --> 00:21:44,601
Oh, there she goes.
382
00:21:44,603 --> 00:21:47,771
Hey, Lord,
I don't wanna stay here.
383
00:21:47,773 --> 00:21:49,006
If you're gonna take me,
384
00:21:49,008 --> 00:21:52,575
come on, take me
out of this joint.
385
00:21:52,577 --> 00:21:54,411
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
386
00:21:54,413 --> 00:21:57,147
MAN: Are you down there,
Mr. Bunker?
387
00:21:57,149 --> 00:21:59,349
Jeez, that was fast.
388
00:22:10,694 --> 00:22:13,897
Here I am, Lord!
389
00:22:13,899 --> 00:22:15,765
Down the cellar!
390
00:22:15,767 --> 00:22:17,301
I can't open
these doors.
391
00:22:17,303 --> 00:22:22,505
Oh, gee, I thought
you could do anything, Lord.
392
00:22:23,641 --> 00:22:25,409
I'll come through
the front door.
393
00:22:25,411 --> 00:22:28,412
Yeah, anything you say, Lord.
394
00:22:29,847 --> 00:22:33,683
I always wanted to see him
come through the wall.
395
00:22:35,753 --> 00:22:37,287
Wait for me.
I'm waiting here, Lord.
396
00:22:37,289 --> 00:22:38,455
I'm coming to get you.
397
00:22:38,457 --> 00:22:40,790
I'm waiting here. Hey...
398
00:22:40,792 --> 00:22:45,495
All right, this is it.
This is it.
399
00:22:45,497 --> 00:22:49,732
Archie Bunker signing off
for the last time.
400
00:22:49,734 --> 00:22:52,002
The Lord is coming
to take me by the hand,
401
00:22:52,004 --> 00:22:53,971
and the next thing
you'll hear from me
402
00:22:53,973 --> 00:22:56,373
will be from a better world
than this.
403
00:22:56,375 --> 00:22:59,609
I'm going with the man upstairs.
404
00:23:00,744 --> 00:23:02,812
MAN:
Mr. Bunker?
405
00:23:02,814 --> 00:23:05,215
Where are you, Mr. Bunker?
406
00:23:05,217 --> 00:23:08,618
Here I am, Lord,
down the cellar.
407
00:23:08,620 --> 00:23:10,354
I know you're in
the cellar.
408
00:23:10,356 --> 00:23:11,855
Where's the cellar door?
409
00:23:11,857 --> 00:23:15,592
It's that one
with the new lock on it, Lord.
410
00:23:17,996 --> 00:23:21,965
Hang on, Mr. Bunker.
I'm coming for you.
411
00:23:21,967 --> 00:23:23,633
Okay, I found the door.
412
00:23:23,635 --> 00:23:24,868
Hold on, Mr. Bunker.
413
00:23:24,870 --> 00:23:27,737
All right,
I'm waiting for you.
414
00:23:28,973 --> 00:23:30,507
Mr. Bunker.
415
00:23:30,509 --> 00:23:32,775
Here I am.
416
00:23:35,546 --> 00:23:37,414
Mr. Bunker.
417
00:23:38,883 --> 00:23:40,683
Yes, yes, yes!
418
00:24:01,172 --> 00:24:03,773
Forgive me, Lord.
419
00:24:06,844 --> 00:24:09,479
The Jeffersons was right.
420
00:24:18,423 --> 00:24:20,023
Hey, Arch,
421
00:24:20,025 --> 00:24:21,558
I was listening to this,
422
00:24:21,560 --> 00:24:25,495
and, uh, here's the buck
I owe you.
423
00:24:29,867 --> 00:24:32,069
Ahh.
424
00:24:32,071 --> 00:24:33,836
So you admit
Stretch Cunningham's
425
00:24:33,838 --> 00:24:35,672
pretty funny there, huh?
426
00:24:35,674 --> 00:24:38,675
Uh, no, Arch,
not Stretch, you.
427
00:24:38,677 --> 00:24:40,944
BOTH: ♪ All alone ♪
428
00:24:40,946 --> 00:24:43,012
♪ I'm so all alone ♪
429
00:24:43,014 --> 00:24:47,016
♪ There is no one here but me ♪
430
00:25:01,132 --> 00:25:04,067
["REMEMBERING YOU" PLAYING]
431
00:25:04,069 --> 00:25:08,438
ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recordedon tape before a live audience.
432
00:25:08,488 --> 00:25:13,038
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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