Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made The hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Oh, Ma, that's one of the prettiest christening dresses

I've ever seen.

Yeah. I hope the reverend don't wet it when he names the baby.

I remember when Cousin Emily was baptized. Her dress was ruined!

Gee. How could a little sprinkle do that?

Well, in Cousin Emily's case, it wasn't the reverend who did it.

It was Cousin Emily.

You're crazy! Pay up.

What for? You lost the bet.

You made the bet and you lost the bet--

GLORIA: Hey! What's the matter?

The matter is, your husband ain't got no honor.

You know that? He's a welsher.

He made me a bet of a dollar, he lost the bet,

and now he won't pay up.

You know that joke was funny!

Arch, the joke was not funny!

You didn't see me laugh, did you?

I seen you trying not to laugh.

But you didn't fool me, because I seen your mustache twitching.

What is this all about?

I bet him a dollar

that if he could hear Stretch Cunningham

tell one of his own jokes in his own voice,

that he had to laugh, he'd think it was funny.

Can you believe he actually tape-recorded

Stretch telling one of those rotten jokes!

That's right. Right here.

Hey! Daddy, did you buy that?

No, no, Stretch loaned it to me.

He uses it to try out his jokes on himself, see?

Now, listen to this.

No, I don't want to listen to that again.

It stinks, Arch.

Just wrap up the sandwiches, Gloria.

Let's get going.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute!

Pay me the buck before you go on your vacation.

No! Daddy.

It's not a vacation.

It's a weekend seminar in the mountains.

It's a sociology study group.

It's a working weekend for Michael.

"A working weekend,"

I know what that meathead's gonna be working on

as soon as youse two get up in the woods alone.

Funny, Arch.

Hey, I'm back.

ARCHIE: Yeah. Come on, close the door, Irene. It's cold.

I got the weather stripping for your cellar door.

Come on, you welsh! You pay me a buck!

No!

Come on, Gloria. Let's go.

Well, you can go, but not with that.

Daddy!

What are you doing? Give that back.

That's our lunches! Give that back!

You want the lunch, pay me the buck.

Oh, forget it, Michael.

Pay him and let's go.

No. It would be lying.

In my opinion, that joke was not funny.

And in my opinion, as the head of this house,

the joke was damn funny.

All right.

All right, why don't we have somebody else judge it, okay?

All right. If you can get an indepartial judge.

Uh, how about Irene?

All right, sure.

Come on, Irene.

Get over here and judge this thing here.

Oh, no, you're not getting me involved in a family argument.

Come on. Come on, Irene.

Oh, come on, Irene, please?

Because we have to go.

Come on, this won't take long. Just sit right down.

Get out of here, youse two!

Now you listen to this and you tell me

if Stretch Cunningham ain't the funniest guy you ever heard.

Hey, hey. Don't prejudice her.

What are you talking about prejudice?

Stretch Cunningham's a white guy.

Now, you may have heard some funny comedians in your time,

Milton Berlin, Don Trickles and them, see,

but when you hear this guy here, you're sure gonna laugh.

All right, hold it, everybody. Now!

STRETCH [ON TAPE RECORDER]: Hi, everybody!

This is Stretch Cunningham talking.

You know how you can tell

when an elephant's been in the refrigerator?

You find his footprints in the butter!

Ha ha! Ha!

Ha ha ha! Huh?

I'll get your door fixed in just a few minutes, Edith.

MICHAEL: Come on, Gloria. Let's go.

Come on, Irene. That was a funny joke.

You didn't laugh at it. What's the big idea?

No big idea.

No big joke either.

Aw!

Arch, you can forget the buck you owe me.

Yeah. And use it to give that joke a decent burial.

ARCHIE: Get out of here!

Well, bye, everybody. EDITH: Bye!

Hey, Ma, have a nice time in Scranton.

Thanks. Bye, Daddy.

[LAUGHS]

I got the sandwiches!

[LAUGHING]

We'll see you tomorrow night

if you're still up when we get home.

Have a good time in the woods.

Say hello to the pinko patrol up there.

Got the sandwiches.

Archie, I can use your finger here.

Yeah, all right. Hurry up, will you?

I'm so worried about going away for the whole weekend.

Are you sure you're gonna be all right?

I'm a grown man, Edith. I can take care of myself.

Ow!

Jeez! You strangled my nail.

I'm sorry. You want me to kiss it and make it better?

Shush! Irene's standing there!

You want me to kiss it and make it better?

Cut the funnies, huh, Irene?

Will you hurry up?

If you don't get that dress there to Scranton in time,

they'll be baptizing the baby in the nude.

Come on!

Come on! You're missing that bus.

The last bus to Scranton leaves at 5:00 tonight.

Yeah, all right.

All your meals are in the icebox.

Everything's labeled, so you can't go wrong.

Did you label the beer cans too?

No. Do you want me to?

No, no!

Go! Here, come on, will you?

I'm sorry.

Bye, Archie.

Oh! Mwah.

I wish you were coming with me.

It's cold and the air is coming in here.

Oh! Irene!

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Edith. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

All right.

Oh!

[LAUGHING]

Come on, will you?

Will you get going!

All right, Archie! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Goodbye, house.

Oh...

Oh, well, all right, Irene.

Not to be disneighborly or anything, but you're next.

Are you finished here?

Yeah, your door is all fixed now.

You got a draft-proof strip on the bottom

and you got a burglar-proof lock.

Oh! Oh! One thing about this lock.

Be sure and turn the knob to the left

because that clicks on the safety latch.

If you turn it to the right, it locks.

Yeah, I know all--

You can't open it from the other side.

I know about them locks.

Well, I just wanted to show you.

And I put on that automatic closer, last week.

And-- Boy, that closes fast!

Maybe I'd better just ease it back a little.

No! Don't worry about it. Leave it alone. It'll be all right.

It'll just take a minute. No, no, no.

You shouldn't stay here, you know.

Because you and me alone here in the house like this,

it, uh-- It don't look--

What do you call it?

Good.

Oh, you're right.

You know what Frank would say if he caught us together?

What?

"You can do better than that, Irene."

Aw!

[LAUGHING]

Cut it out! You're as nutty as your old man.

I had you going there for a minute, didn't I, Archie?

Here's your tools.

Listen, why don't you come on over

and stay with Frank and me today?

At least you'll be warmer.

It's all right. I'm just gonna be by myself.

Anyway, I gotta wait for the oil man.

He was gonna make a delivery.

Well, if you change your mind.

Yeah, well, I ain't gonna change my mind, Irene.

Goodbye.

Yeah, bye!

Whoop-dee-doo!

Alone at last.

I'll watch a little TV,

have a little beer for myself in here.

And first of all, try out this little item here.

Huh?

First of all, we turn Stretch over.

Yeah, you're a funny guy, Stretch.

I don't give a damn what they say.

Ah.

This is for record, there.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[SUAVELY] Good evening, folks.

This is Archie Bunker talking to you from the Gardenia Room,

704 Hauser Street.

♪ All alone ♪

♪ I'm so all alone ♪

♪ There is no one here but me ♪

♪ All alone By the telephone ♪

♪ Waiting for A ring-a-ting-a-ling ♪

Jeez, it's cold!

It's freezing in here.

Let's see what this is.

♪ The thermostat says-- ♪

Sixty-four! Jeez!

♪ Down the cellar I go ♪

♪ To check that fuel supply ♪

ARCHIE: Uh-oh!

Thank you, Irene Lorenzo.

Well. Try the old cellar door here.

[GRUNTS]

Pah! Locked!

Hey, anybody!

There's a guy down the cellar here!

Force that door...

[GRUNTS]

Oh!

[GROANS]

A tool here.

Ah!

Chains.

Who would keep all this crapola down here?

Yeah!

[MUTTERS]

Ow! Jeez! Ow! Ow!

Oh!

[MOANS]

I'm locked in the cellar!

It's colder down here than upstairs.

Why not? It's the cellar.

Let's check the oil here.

Not a drop left.

Thank you, Arabs.

I want something here to put over myself.

I'll freeze to death down here.

What's this?

Ah. Gloria's crayons. I know what we'll do here.

I know what we'll do, a little note.

"Help.

Man...in...cellar."

Hey! Anybody!

There's a note up there!

Oh, jeez...

[MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]

There's nothing.

What's this?

Polish vodka.

What's this doing down here? A card.

"Gloria and Mike.

"Best wishes on your wedding day.

"May all your troubles be little ones.

Uncle Casmir."

That dumbbell from Chicago.

Well, Casmir, here's to you.

Nothing.

Ooh!

Jeez.

That was a while coming, there.

[BELCHES]

Yeah.

"One hundred proof."

Boy, that's a blanket in a bottle.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello.

Hello? What do you want?

If you don't wanna talk to me, to hell with you.

Jeez.

Oh, the time.

It stopped.

[GRUNTS]

Gloria!

Mike, Gloria!

They ain't home.

It must be Sunday.

If it ain't Monday.

Holy... Ugh...

I could croak down here and nobody would know.

I know what I've got to do.

Last will and tentacle.

This is Archie Bunker, 704 Hauser Street,

speaking to you from the cellar of 704 Hauser Street.

To my wife, Edith Bunker,

to her all my worldly goods

I do endow,

including the house, 704 Hauser Street,

and everything in it, except the following items.

To my son-in-law, Meathead Stivic,

I leave my original 48-star American flag,

leaving out Alaska and Hawaii.

To my dear daughter, Gloria Bunker,

who I forgive for marrying the above,

I leave my personal living-room chair

for her to use as a centralpiece

in her own someday living room.

To Mrs. Irene Lorenzo...

who killed me...

To Mrs. Irene Lorenzo--

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

That was a hell of a sleep.

Another day gone by.

Maybe it's Tuesday,

if it ain't Wednesday.

Ohh...

Last will and tail.

I want to say to my son-in-law,

Meathead, you take care of my little girl.

Don't you ever go on the welfare. Support her.

Don't worry, Arch, I'll take care of her.

She's my responsibility now and I'll provide for her.

Remember the words of our great president Richard E. Nixon...

who said, "Don't expect nothing from your government."

Pay your own way.

Arch, did Nixon say that

before or after the government shelled out $2 million

for his private houses?

Oh, that's awful.

He answers me back even when he ain't here.

Daddy, don't worry about us. What about Mom?

Oh, God takes care of dingbats, little girl.

Where is your mother?

Right here, Archie.

Oh, yeah, there you are, Edith.

How are you managing without me?

Oh, we're fine.

I don't wanna hear that.

How are you gonna be fine?

How youse all gonna live without me around?

Oh, Daddy, we'll be all right.

Why, Ma just won $2 from the Daily News

for writing her most embarrassing moment.

Yeah. I'll read it to you.

"My most embarrassing moment.

I went down the cellar and found Archie dead."

Bye, Arch.

Bye, Daddy. Bye, Archie.

No! Edith, come back here. Come back here.

Oh, Archie, I'm glad you called me back.

I've got something to tell you.

I know you'll be upset,

because this is a thing

that a guy don't usually tell a woman.

I love you, Edith.

I know, Archie.

You mean I didn't have to tell you, then?

No.

Then why didn't you stop me?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all right, Edith.

I forgive you.

Here, give me a kiss, Edith.

Here, Edith. Come here, Edith, and give me a kiss.

Oh, there she goes.

Hey, Lord, I don't wanna stay here.

If you're gonna take me,

come on, take me out of this joint.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

MAN: Are you down there, Mr. Bunker?

Jeez, that was fast.

Here I am, Lord!

Down the cellar!

I can't open these doors.

Oh, gee, I thought you could do anything, Lord.

I'll come through the front door.

Yeah, anything you say, Lord.

I always wanted to see him come through the wall.

Wait for me. I'm waiting here, Lord.

I'm coming to get you.

I'm waiting here. Hey...

All right, this is it. This is it.

Archie Bunker signing off for the last time.

The Lord is coming to take me by the hand,

and the next thing you'll hear from me

will be from a better world than this.

I'm going with the man upstairs.

MAN: Mr. Bunker?

Where are you, Mr. Bunker?

Here I am, Lord, down the cellar.

I know you're in the cellar.

Where's the cellar door?

It's that one with the new lock on it, Lord.

Hang on, Mr. Bunker. I'm coming for you.

Okay, I found the door.

Hold on, Mr. Bunker.

All right, I'm waiting for you.

Mr. Bunker.

Here I am.

Mr. Bunker.

Yes, yes, yes!

Forgive me, Lord.

The Jeffersons was right.

Hey, Arch,

I was listening to this,

and, uh, here's the buck I owe you.

Ahh.

So you admit Stretch Cunningham's

pretty funny there, huh?

Uh, no, Arch, not Stretch, you.

BOTH: ♪ All alone ♪

♪ I'm so all alone ♪

♪ There is no one here but me ♪

["REMEMBERING YOU" PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0