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1
00:00:02,835 --> 00:00:05,670
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:09,340
♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪
3
00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:13,011
♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪
4
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:16,280
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:16,282 --> 00:00:19,317
♪ And you knewWhere you were then ♪
6
00:00:19,319 --> 00:00:23,622
♪ Girls were girlsAnd men were men ♪
7
00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:30,428
♪ Mister, we could use a manLike Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:30,430 --> 00:00:33,031
♪ Didn't needNo welfare state ♪
9
00:00:33,033 --> 00:00:36,567
♪ Everybody pulledHis weight ♪
10
00:00:36,569 --> 00:00:40,905
♪ Gee, our old LaSalleRan great ♪
11
00:00:40,907 --> 00:00:46,778
♪ Those were the days ♪
12
00:00:58,423 --> 00:01:00,424
Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy,
oh, boy, oh, boy.
13
00:01:00,426 --> 00:01:04,729
It's too bad the air conditioner
ain't working, Mike.
14
00:01:04,731 --> 00:01:07,799
Is the fan making you
feel any cooler?
15
00:01:07,801 --> 00:01:10,669
Only the inside
of my knees.
16
00:01:11,871 --> 00:01:14,372
The rest of me is dying.
17
00:01:14,374 --> 00:01:16,607
How do you keep so cool
in this heat, Ma?
18
00:01:16,609 --> 00:01:18,743
I just think
about my mother.
19
00:01:22,314 --> 00:01:24,883
How does thinking about your
mother help you keep cool?
20
00:01:24,885 --> 00:01:26,951
Well, she used to say
that keeping cool
21
00:01:26,953 --> 00:01:29,654
is just a case of
mind over matter.
22
00:01:29,656 --> 00:01:31,556
Oh, yeah, you mean like
auto suggestion?
23
00:01:31,558 --> 00:01:34,392
Oh, no, we never had a car.
24
00:01:37,629 --> 00:01:40,165
She meant you just gotta
think cool thoughts.
25
00:01:40,167 --> 00:01:43,201
Hot...hot...hot!
26
00:01:43,203 --> 00:01:44,769
Oh, hi, Gloria.
27
00:01:44,771 --> 00:01:47,605
Hi, Gloria.
Don't get up, Michael.
28
00:01:47,607 --> 00:01:49,574
I wasn't planning to.
29
00:01:49,576 --> 00:01:53,311
Because if you hugged me
you'd stick to me.
30
00:01:53,313 --> 00:01:57,348
Oh, Ma, the subway was so hot,
so crowded, so jam-packed
31
00:01:57,350 --> 00:01:59,951
I wanted to go, "Aaargh!"
32
00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:01,786
And I did.
33
00:02:02,855 --> 00:02:04,555
You did?
What happened, Gloria?
34
00:02:04,557 --> 00:02:08,392
Nothing. Nobody
even turned around.
35
00:02:08,394 --> 00:02:11,830
I'm going upstairs to take a
shower and I may never come out.
36
00:02:11,832 --> 00:02:14,398
Quick. Somebody say
something cold to me.
37
00:02:14,400 --> 00:02:15,800
Hi, Mrs. Lorenzo.
38
00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:18,402
That's not cold enough,
Michael!
39
00:02:18,404 --> 00:02:21,539
Would you like a cold drink?
40
00:02:21,541 --> 00:02:23,307
Now you're
getting warmer!
41
00:02:23,309 --> 00:02:27,411
Oh, and you wanted me
to get colder.
42
00:02:28,480 --> 00:02:32,984
Oh! It's a joke.
I get it!
43
00:02:34,153 --> 00:02:35,253
Well, come on inside.
44
00:02:35,255 --> 00:02:39,124
I've got some nice
fresh-made lemonade.
45
00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:41,292
Don't bother taking it
out of the fridge.
46
00:02:41,294 --> 00:02:42,961
I'll just crawl
right in with it.
47
00:02:42,963 --> 00:02:44,162
Oh.
48
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:46,931
Frank said thanks
for the use of the mixer.
49
00:02:46,933 --> 00:02:50,601
You know, the motor was heating
up, so I overhauled it for you.
50
00:02:50,603 --> 00:02:53,437
Oh, thank you, Irene.
51
00:02:53,439 --> 00:02:55,339
Oh, you're so handy.
52
00:02:55,341 --> 00:02:57,842
How did you ever
learn all that?
53
00:02:57,844 --> 00:03:00,211
Oh. Self-defense,
Edith.
54
00:03:00,213 --> 00:03:01,846
Self-defense.
55
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:04,249
I just got
so sick and tired
56
00:03:04,251 --> 00:03:07,218
of being talked down to
by repairmen.
57
00:03:07,220 --> 00:03:10,021
"Lady, you don't understand
these things.
58
00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:12,991
Take my word for it.
It's a big job."
59
00:03:12,993 --> 00:03:15,660
Oh, yeah, I've heard that.
60
00:03:15,662 --> 00:03:17,295
Well, I got even
for all of us.
61
00:03:17,297 --> 00:03:18,763
I read a forbidden book.
62
00:03:18,765 --> 00:03:21,332
The Handyman's Guideto Home Repair.
63
00:03:21,334 --> 00:03:22,400
Oh, my!
64
00:03:22,402 --> 00:03:24,869
And I learned
to fix things myself.
65
00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:26,805
And every time
I turn a screw,
66
00:03:26,807 --> 00:03:28,106
I like to think
67
00:03:28,108 --> 00:03:31,442
there's some repairman
on the other end of it.
68
00:03:32,611 --> 00:03:34,545
Oh!
69
00:03:40,019 --> 00:03:42,687
Oh, Irene! Oooh!
70
00:03:42,689 --> 00:03:44,689
[GIGGLING]
71
00:03:46,225 --> 00:03:49,294
You know,
this may sound silly.
72
00:03:49,296 --> 00:03:52,396
I know you're not
a movie star or nothing,
73
00:03:52,398 --> 00:03:56,167
but I think I'm getting
to be a fan of yours.
74
00:03:56,169 --> 00:03:58,203
Edith, thank you!
75
00:03:58,205 --> 00:04:01,306
Maybe we can exchange
autographed pictures later.
76
00:04:01,308 --> 00:04:03,141
Oh, ha-ha-ha! Yeah.
77
00:04:03,143 --> 00:04:06,444
Listen, you were
going to tell me
78
00:04:06,446 --> 00:04:07,846
places to shop in
the neighborhood.
79
00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:10,114
I have a couple of things
to pick up.
80
00:04:10,116 --> 00:04:12,984
Yeah, sit down
and I'll tell you!
81
00:04:12,986 --> 00:04:18,089
Now, the first place to go
is Ferguson's Market.
82
00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:20,124
It's right
around the corner.
83
00:04:20,126 --> 00:04:21,792
But when you
go to check out,
84
00:04:21,794 --> 00:04:23,862
don't go to Agnes
on counter two,
85
00:04:23,864 --> 00:04:27,131
because if you forget
to ask her for Green Stamps
86
00:04:27,133 --> 00:04:28,900
she won't give them to you
87
00:04:28,902 --> 00:04:32,003
because she's saving them
for her own book.
88
00:04:34,173 --> 00:04:37,708
Go to Sybil Gooley
on counter one.
89
00:04:37,710 --> 00:04:40,178
She's wonderful
with Green Stamps.
90
00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:43,481
But you got to
watch her on change.
91
00:04:43,483 --> 00:04:46,384
Oh, not that
she's dishonest.
92
00:04:46,386 --> 00:04:49,787
It's just that she
catches colds all the time
93
00:04:49,789 --> 00:04:51,722
and that makes her breathe
through her mouth
94
00:04:51,724 --> 00:04:53,091
and her glasses fog up
95
00:04:53,093 --> 00:04:55,826
and she don't count
the change right.
96
00:04:59,398 --> 00:05:00,598
For fish...
97
00:05:00,600 --> 00:05:03,467
For fish, you go
to Levy's Fish Market.
98
00:05:03,469 --> 00:05:06,837
And for fruits and vegetables,
you go to Roselli's.
99
00:05:06,839 --> 00:05:08,072
His stuff is fresher.
100
00:05:08,074 --> 00:05:10,408
Only, if the tomatoes
are squishy,
101
00:05:10,410 --> 00:05:14,412
that means Mrs. Goldblatt's
been there ahead of you.
102
00:05:14,414 --> 00:05:17,848
She's a squeezer.
103
00:05:17,850 --> 00:05:21,485
Well, I guess that's everything.
Any questions?
104
00:05:21,487 --> 00:05:22,620
No. I got it all.
105
00:05:22,622 --> 00:05:25,356
Now, what was it
you wanted to buy?
106
00:05:25,358 --> 00:05:28,259
A housecoat
and a pair of slippers.
107
00:05:28,261 --> 00:05:31,129
Edith, have you started
cooking dinner yet?
108
00:05:31,131 --> 00:05:32,730
No, I was just going--
Well, don't.
109
00:05:32,732 --> 00:05:34,132
I want to have
Frank come over
110
00:05:34,134 --> 00:05:35,866
and make you a big
gourmet dinner
111
00:05:35,868 --> 00:05:37,501
right in front
of your very eyes.
112
00:05:37,503 --> 00:05:40,638
Oh, I don't want him to go
to all that trouble.
113
00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:43,707
It's no trouble at all.
And Frank will love it.
114
00:05:43,709 --> 00:05:44,708
MICHAEL: Excuse me.
Oh.
115
00:05:44,710 --> 00:05:46,177
Just wanted
to get something to eat.
116
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:49,414
But, Mike, we're going to
have dinner pretty soon.
117
00:05:49,416 --> 00:05:52,417
That's all right.
I'll be finished by then.
118
00:05:52,419 --> 00:05:54,252
Irene, wait!
119
00:05:54,254 --> 00:05:56,988
I'll tell you where you can get
your housecoat and slippers.
120
00:05:56,990 --> 00:06:00,158
At Kressler's Department Store.
That's where Gloria--
121
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:02,393
Oh, hi, there, girls.
I'm going to tell you...
122
00:06:02,395 --> 00:06:05,163
If this ain't the hottest day
in the last 25 years...
123
00:06:05,165 --> 00:06:06,931
Where the hell are you?
124
00:06:09,969 --> 00:06:12,337
Edith?
125
00:06:12,339 --> 00:06:13,871
Edith!
126
00:06:13,873 --> 00:06:15,473
Hi, Archie.
I'll be right back!
127
00:06:15,475 --> 00:06:18,642
Wait a minute.
Where are you going, huh?
128
00:06:18,644 --> 00:06:20,111
Oh, look at this.
129
00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:21,579
For once
I come home from work
130
00:06:21,581 --> 00:06:23,381
and I'm ready to tell her
about my day
131
00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:24,548
and all she does is...
132
00:06:24,550 --> 00:06:25,883
[GRUMBLING]
133
00:06:35,927 --> 00:06:37,862
ARCHIE: Well, if this
ain't a beautiful sight
134
00:06:37,864 --> 00:06:40,365
for a working man
to come home.
135
00:06:42,001 --> 00:06:43,901
Close the icebox door
there, Meathead.
136
00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:45,069
I want to get something.
137
00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:46,704
Come on! You're letting
all the cold out.
138
00:06:46,706 --> 00:06:48,106
I don't know
what I want yet.
139
00:06:48,108 --> 00:06:50,774
Can't you close the door until
you can make up your mind?
140
00:06:50,776 --> 00:06:53,844
How can I make up my mind
until I see what's in there?
141
00:06:53,846 --> 00:06:56,047
You ain't got brains enough
for that, I'll help you. Here.
142
00:06:56,049 --> 00:06:58,016
Here's something
for you right now.
143
00:06:59,184 --> 00:07:00,951
This is Crisco.
144
00:07:02,388 --> 00:07:04,655
What do you care?
You eat anything.
145
00:07:07,692 --> 00:07:08,692
Hiya, Daddy!
146
00:07:08,694 --> 00:07:11,529
Oh, holy cow! Get away from me!
147
00:07:11,531 --> 00:07:12,997
What do you mean,
coming downstairs
148
00:07:12,999 --> 00:07:14,132
in front of your father
149
00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:15,233
dressed like that?
150
00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:16,501
Put some
clothes on you.
151
00:07:16,503 --> 00:07:18,602
I got some clothes on.
Where? Where?
152
00:07:18,604 --> 00:07:20,238
Here, here.
Oh!
153
00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:22,873
Daddy, it's the same thing
I wear on the beach.
154
00:07:22,875 --> 00:07:25,209
It ain't the same as the beach.
The beach is different.
155
00:07:25,211 --> 00:07:26,644
Why?
156
00:07:26,646 --> 00:07:28,446
Because the beach has got
sand and umbrellas
157
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:29,880
and hot dogs
and Orange Crush.
158
00:07:29,882 --> 00:07:31,416
Look at you.
24 years old.
159
00:07:31,418 --> 00:07:32,683
You don't know
the difference
160
00:07:32,685 --> 00:07:34,885
between a beach and
your own living room?
161
00:07:34,887 --> 00:07:36,387
Now take that off.
Okay.
162
00:07:36,389 --> 00:07:37,988
Not here!
163
00:07:37,990 --> 00:07:40,291
Go upstairs
and put a dress on you.
164
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:41,592
Oh, boy, Daddy.
165
00:07:41,594 --> 00:07:43,327
You know something,
you're the kind of person
166
00:07:43,329 --> 00:07:45,430
that would put pants on
Michelangelo's David.
167
00:07:45,432 --> 00:07:47,865
I don't care what any other
father does with his kid.
168
00:07:47,867 --> 00:07:50,168
I take care of my own.
169
00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:55,706
[WOLF-WHISTLES]
170
00:07:55,708 --> 00:07:57,475
Oh, thank you, Michael.
171
00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:58,876
Oh, look at this.
172
00:07:58,878 --> 00:08:01,879
What kind of a bum
would whistle at his own wife?
173
00:08:01,881 --> 00:08:05,616
I can't help it, Arch. It's
the Crisco. It turned me on.
174
00:08:05,618 --> 00:08:07,518
Hubba hubba. What's cookin',
good-lookin'?
175
00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:10,988
Watch my smoke.
Hot stuff, huh, Arch?
176
00:08:15,961 --> 00:08:18,162
You are pure filth.
177
00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:21,365
At least he says what he's
thinking. What's bothering you?
178
00:08:21,367 --> 00:08:23,033
Besides you,
your mother.
179
00:08:23,035 --> 00:08:24,335
What's your problem
with Ma?
180
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,304
She ain't here.
That's the problem.
181
00:08:26,306 --> 00:08:28,306
She probably went next door
to talk to Mrs. Lorenzo.
182
00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:29,307
What's the big deal?
183
00:08:29,309 --> 00:08:31,409
Oh, she's always
over there
184
00:08:31,411 --> 00:08:32,910
and neglecting
her own home here.
185
00:08:32,912 --> 00:08:34,912
What's the big attraction
over there at Lorenzo's?
186
00:08:34,914 --> 00:08:36,581
It's simple: ever since
the Lorenzos moved in,
187
00:08:36,583 --> 00:08:38,048
Ma has someone to talk to.
188
00:08:38,050 --> 00:08:40,017
She's always got
somebody to talk to.
189
00:08:40,019 --> 00:08:42,553
I know, but now
someone's listening.
190
00:08:44,156 --> 00:08:46,790
Who's she married to, anyway?
Me or them?
191
00:08:46,792 --> 00:08:48,626
You know what, Daddy?
You're jealous.
192
00:08:48,628 --> 00:08:50,828
I ain't jealous.
Yeah. You're jealous.
193
00:08:50,830 --> 00:08:52,997
EDITH: Hi, everybody! I'm back!
194
00:08:52,999 --> 00:08:54,798
What?
195
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:58,702
What do you mean,
"Hello, everybody, I'm back"?
196
00:09:00,272 --> 00:09:03,608
Who are you trying to be today?
Bette Davis or Shirley Temple?
197
00:09:03,610 --> 00:09:05,176
What are you picking on Ma for?
198
00:09:05,178 --> 00:09:06,944
A minute ago
you were missing her.
199
00:09:06,946 --> 00:09:10,681
You were, Archie?
Keep quiet, you!
200
00:09:12,050 --> 00:09:15,453
Look at her. All mouth
and belly button there.
201
00:09:15,455 --> 00:09:18,289
I told you something.
Now I give you an order.
202
00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:20,024
Get upstairs and get
some clothes on,
203
00:09:20,026 --> 00:09:21,992
and take the Polack
Mark Spitz with you.
204
00:09:24,396 --> 00:09:25,763
Watch it,
all right?
205
00:09:25,765 --> 00:09:27,198
Oh, boy.
206
00:09:27,200 --> 00:09:29,133
Oh, boy.
207
00:09:29,135 --> 00:09:30,635
That's just
like you, Daddy.
208
00:09:30,637 --> 00:09:32,403
We catch you feeling
something for Ma,
209
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:35,173
and then you got to turn it
into a cheap Polish joke.
210
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:37,375
Oh, forget it, Gloria.
Just get out of here, all right?
211
00:09:37,377 --> 00:09:38,776
I just realized
what's bothering me.
212
00:09:38,778 --> 00:09:41,179
It's not the heat.
It's the stupidity.
213
00:09:41,181 --> 00:09:42,513
Get him away from me.
214
00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:43,714
If I wasn't so dog-tired,
215
00:09:43,716 --> 00:09:45,015
I'd give you one of these.
216
00:09:45,017 --> 00:09:46,717
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
217
00:09:56,461 --> 00:09:58,162
Well?
218
00:09:58,164 --> 00:10:00,665
How was your day?
219
00:10:00,667 --> 00:10:03,401
Oh, no, no, no, no.
220
00:10:03,403 --> 00:10:04,835
It's too late for that.
221
00:10:04,837 --> 00:10:07,238
Time to ask me that
is when I come in the door
222
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:09,373
and the whole lousy day
is fresh on my mind.
223
00:10:09,375 --> 00:10:11,842
Well, why don't you start
with the subway
224
00:10:11,844 --> 00:10:14,345
and maybe it'll
all come back to you.
225
00:10:14,347 --> 00:10:15,746
I don't wanna talk
about the subway.
226
00:10:15,748 --> 00:10:16,947
I wanna talk about my wife.
227
00:10:16,949 --> 00:10:21,151
Oh, then you're talking
to the right person.
228
00:10:22,221 --> 00:10:24,288
Why are you spending
so much time
229
00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:25,456
with the Lorenzos?
230
00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:26,691
You're neglecting
your own house here.
231
00:10:26,693 --> 00:10:28,759
Look at the table here.
Ain't no dinner there.
232
00:10:28,761 --> 00:10:31,462
The air conditioner over here
is still broke.
233
00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:34,732
And I come home, wore out
after a hard day at work,
234
00:10:34,734 --> 00:10:36,967
I'm half-prostate in the heat.
235
00:10:42,774 --> 00:10:46,677
Archie, why don't we have
Irene Lorenzo take a look
236
00:10:46,679 --> 00:10:48,312
at our air conditioner?
237
00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:51,048
She's really very good
with her hands.
238
00:10:51,050 --> 00:10:52,450
Yeah, well,
I wish she'd use them
239
00:10:52,452 --> 00:10:53,718
to choke that husband of hers
240
00:10:53,720 --> 00:10:55,653
that's singing night and day
over there.
241
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:57,688
He's singing
in the middle of the night.
242
00:10:57,690 --> 00:11:00,891
He's got every alley cat
in the neighborhood throwing up.
243
00:11:04,996 --> 00:11:07,531
Why are you always
over there, anyway?
244
00:11:07,533 --> 00:11:09,867
Why can't you stay here
where you belong?
245
00:11:09,869 --> 00:11:11,101
Archie!
246
00:11:11,103 --> 00:11:13,237
You miss me!
247
00:11:13,239 --> 00:11:16,707
I miss dinner
on the table.
248
00:11:16,709 --> 00:11:18,709
You do miss me.
249
00:11:18,711 --> 00:11:21,612
Oh, Archie!
250
00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:25,683
Coming from you,
that's like a real love letter.
251
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:28,118
Now that you got
your love letter,
252
00:11:28,120 --> 00:11:30,020
would you get dinner
on the table?
253
00:11:30,022 --> 00:11:31,756
Dinner! That reminds me.
254
00:11:31,758 --> 00:11:35,058
Let me tell you about
a surprise that's coming.
255
00:11:35,060 --> 00:11:38,496
Oh, a surprise? I got a surprise
I wanna tell you about.
256
00:11:38,498 --> 00:11:40,398
Oh, no, let me
tell you mine first.
257
00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:42,833
Oh, no, save it.
Save it, Edith.
258
00:11:42,835 --> 00:11:44,435
I gotta tell you mine
before it happens.
259
00:11:44,437 --> 00:11:47,471
Edith, Edith, this is a surprise
for Frank Lorenzo next door.
260
00:11:47,473 --> 00:11:49,139
Wait till you see this.
261
00:11:49,141 --> 00:11:51,676
The next time he starts singing,
I got this for him now.
262
00:11:51,678 --> 00:11:54,312
What is that lousy old song
he's been singing all week long?
263
00:11:54,314 --> 00:11:55,446
Sing that for me.
264
00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:58,316
You're asking me to sing?
265
00:11:58,318 --> 00:12:00,518
Just this once.
If I can take it, so can you.
266
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:01,585
Go ahead.
267
00:12:01,587 --> 00:12:03,120
Go on, go on.
All right.
268
00:12:03,122 --> 00:12:04,855
♪ We're havin' a heat wave ♪
269
00:12:04,857 --> 00:12:06,457
♪ A tropical heat wave... ♪
270
00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:08,526
[BLARING]
271
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:17,067
That's what he's gonna get
272
00:12:17,069 --> 00:12:19,470
the next time he starts singing
in the middle of the night.
273
00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:21,472
I don't have to yell
across the alley or nothing.
274
00:12:21,474 --> 00:12:22,973
I'll just give him that--
Oh, Archie!
275
00:12:22,975 --> 00:12:23,974
Huh?
276
00:12:23,976 --> 00:12:25,309
Where did you get that?
277
00:12:25,311 --> 00:12:26,644
Stretch Cunningham
loaned it to me.
278
00:12:26,646 --> 00:12:29,046
He takes it with him
to the ball games all the time.
279
00:12:29,048 --> 00:12:31,181
Ain't that a beauty?
Look at that. Huh?
280
00:12:31,183 --> 00:12:32,750
Ha, ha, ha!
281
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,885
Now, what was the surprise
you had for me?
282
00:12:34,887 --> 00:12:36,186
Well, the-- Oh!
[BLARES]
283
00:12:36,188 --> 00:12:38,989
Oh, put that away.
284
00:12:38,991 --> 00:12:41,592
Now, the surprise
is this--
285
00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:43,361
FRANK: Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba!
286
00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:44,495
Sound the trumpet!
287
00:12:44,497 --> 00:12:46,330
Bang the drum!
288
00:12:46,332 --> 00:12:49,667
Here comes dinner.
Yum, yum, yum!
289
00:12:51,403 --> 00:12:52,770
Oh!
290
00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:53,771
Into the kitchen,
Irene.
291
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:57,341
Surprise!
292
00:13:04,750 --> 00:13:07,317
This will be the height
of French cuisine.
293
00:13:07,319 --> 00:13:09,086
Young carrots,
baby onions,
294
00:13:09,088 --> 00:13:11,054
fresh mushrooms,
295
00:13:11,056 --> 00:13:14,492
and four perfectly matched
sprigs of parsley.
296
00:13:14,494 --> 00:13:18,128
Uno, due, tre, quattro!
297
00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:23,033
Oh, my, I just love
to hear you talking in French.
298
00:13:25,937 --> 00:13:28,138
That's not French,
it's Italian.
299
00:13:28,140 --> 00:13:29,139
Oh.
300
00:13:29,141 --> 00:13:30,574
That must be hard,
301
00:13:30,576 --> 00:13:35,045
cooking in French
and counting in Italian.
302
00:13:35,047 --> 00:13:37,415
But I love the challenge.
303
00:13:37,417 --> 00:13:40,484
Five, four, three,
two, one.
304
00:13:40,486 --> 00:13:43,320
Time to take out
our first course.
305
00:13:43,322 --> 00:13:47,558
And my first course
will be soup,
306
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:51,429
the magnificent,
incomparable vichyssoise.
307
00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:52,430
Oh.
308
00:13:52,432 --> 00:13:53,997
Ohh!
309
00:13:53,999 --> 00:13:56,567
It's ice-cold.
I'd better heat it up.
310
00:13:56,569 --> 00:13:58,936
No, no, no!
311
00:13:58,938 --> 00:14:01,439
Please, it's supposed
to be served cold.
312
00:14:01,441 --> 00:14:04,408
You warm up vichyssoise
and it weeps.
313
00:14:04,410 --> 00:14:06,310
Really?
314
00:14:06,312 --> 00:14:10,915
Oh, I'd better tell Archie
about it before he eats it.
315
00:14:10,917 --> 00:14:13,250
He ain't never had
cold soup before,
316
00:14:13,252 --> 00:14:14,518
not on purpose.
317
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,587
Oh.
318
00:14:16,589 --> 00:14:18,456
Don't you worry.
He'll love this.
319
00:14:18,458 --> 00:14:20,223
Now, how would you
like to see
320
00:14:20,225 --> 00:14:22,460
how I make
my vegetables à la Grecque?
321
00:14:22,462 --> 00:14:23,794
Oh, I'd love it.
Good.
322
00:14:23,796 --> 00:14:25,329
Watch carefully
323
00:14:25,331 --> 00:14:27,431
and feel free
to ask questions.
324
00:14:27,433 --> 00:14:29,467
All right.
325
00:14:29,469 --> 00:14:32,970
How did you
and Irene meet?
326
00:14:37,275 --> 00:14:40,344
Well, I met Irene
going through a revolving door
327
00:14:40,346 --> 00:14:43,581
and we have been going around
together ever since.
328
00:14:43,583 --> 00:14:45,148
Huh?
329
00:14:45,150 --> 00:14:46,650
[LAUGHING]
330
00:14:46,652 --> 00:14:47,751
Oh.
331
00:14:47,753 --> 00:14:49,219
[LAUGHING]
332
00:14:50,355 --> 00:14:52,590
That was a bad one,
wasn't it?
333
00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:53,624
Oh, no!
334
00:14:53,626 --> 00:14:56,727
You're always joking,
ain't you?
335
00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:58,228
You're never serious.
336
00:14:58,230 --> 00:15:00,831
That's just a hangover
from when I was a salesman.
337
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:02,666
Jokes meant sales,
and believe me,
338
00:15:02,668 --> 00:15:04,902
my jokes were
no laughing matter then.
339
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:07,404
Which reminds me,
did you hear the one
340
00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:09,507
about the dentist
who married the manicurist?
341
00:15:09,509 --> 00:15:10,508
[LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]
342
00:15:10,510 --> 00:15:12,275
No, no.
Wait, wait, wait.
343
00:15:12,277 --> 00:15:13,677
That's not the joke.
344
00:15:13,679 --> 00:15:14,812
Oh.
345
00:15:14,814 --> 00:15:16,647
You know what they did?
No.
346
00:15:16,649 --> 00:15:18,516
They fought
tooth and nail.
347
00:15:22,921 --> 00:15:24,021
That's the joke.
348
00:15:24,023 --> 00:15:25,022
Oh.
349
00:15:25,024 --> 00:15:26,089
[BOTH LAUGHING]
350
00:15:27,325 --> 00:15:29,727
That was another bad one,
wasn't it?
351
00:15:29,729 --> 00:15:31,328
I hope it didn't
get to the food.
352
00:15:31,330 --> 00:15:32,630
[BLOWING]
353
00:15:33,932 --> 00:15:37,668
Well, pardon me asking,
but, uh, does your husband
354
00:15:37,670 --> 00:15:39,670
do a lot of the cooking
over your house?
355
00:15:39,672 --> 00:15:41,371
He does all of it.
356
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:44,107
He loves it.
357
00:15:44,109 --> 00:15:47,244
Oh, well, ain't you
a little afraid
358
00:15:47,246 --> 00:15:48,913
of what
people could think?
359
00:15:48,915 --> 00:15:51,448
You mean,
that I'm a lazy wife?
360
00:15:51,450 --> 00:15:54,084
No. That he's a fag.
361
00:16:03,895 --> 00:16:07,031
Is that--?
Is that what you think?
362
00:16:07,033 --> 00:16:08,566
Oh, no, no.
I don't think that.
363
00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:11,969
I mean, because
I know he's Italian.
364
00:16:14,940 --> 00:16:18,475
And Italians are always
bothering women.
365
00:16:19,678 --> 00:16:22,412
Then there must be
a little Italian in you.
366
00:16:22,414 --> 00:16:24,915
Oh, no, no.
367
00:16:24,917 --> 00:16:26,617
I--
368
00:16:29,454 --> 00:16:32,790
Was you trying to
give me a shot there?
369
00:16:32,792 --> 00:16:35,926
No, no. I thought I was
paying you a compliment.
370
00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:39,496
Oh, because what
you said there,
371
00:16:39,498 --> 00:16:42,332
well, I guess I kind of
misconscrued it.
372
00:16:47,072 --> 00:16:50,407
But if he's got time to do
all that cooking and all that,
373
00:16:50,409 --> 00:16:52,042
he must be
retired, huh?
374
00:16:52,044 --> 00:16:54,277
Semi-retired.
375
00:16:54,279 --> 00:16:55,879
Semi-retired,
what does that mean?
376
00:16:55,881 --> 00:16:59,282
He drives halfway to work
and then comes back again?
377
00:17:07,558 --> 00:17:09,760
Well, let me ask you this,
378
00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:12,062
how is it that you retired
to this neighborhood
379
00:17:12,064 --> 00:17:14,297
instead of to Florida
like the rest of the world?
380
00:17:14,299 --> 00:17:16,934
Oh, we tried Florida,
St. Petersburg.
381
00:17:16,936 --> 00:17:18,335
No matter where we went,
382
00:17:18,337 --> 00:17:21,805
we always got stuck behind
a funeral procession.
383
00:17:21,807 --> 00:17:25,475
So Frank said as long as
we have to face death every day,
384
00:17:25,477 --> 00:17:28,278
we might as well
come back to New York.
385
00:17:30,815 --> 00:17:33,751
Jeez, look at the time,
and no dinner on the table yet.
386
00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:37,087
Well, do you want it quick
or do you want it good?
387
00:17:37,089 --> 00:17:39,489
I want it today.
388
00:17:40,825 --> 00:17:42,459
I'll say one thing
about Edith's cooking,
389
00:17:42,461 --> 00:17:46,429
ready or not,
it's on the table at 6:00.
390
00:17:48,533 --> 00:17:51,101
You don't really
like women, do you?
391
00:17:51,103 --> 00:17:54,437
How can you say that?
I married one, didn't I?
392
00:17:54,439 --> 00:17:57,007
That's how I can say that.
393
00:17:57,009 --> 00:17:59,910
That was a shot.
394
00:18:01,279 --> 00:18:03,113
[FRANK SINGING IN ITALIAN]
395
00:18:03,115 --> 00:18:07,818
Oh, gee, there he goes again
with that singing.
396
00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:09,186
Ain't that
terrible?
397
00:18:09,188 --> 00:18:11,021
I think it's lovely.
398
00:18:11,023 --> 00:18:14,324
I think he ought to
get himself a monkey.
399
00:18:15,393 --> 00:18:17,260
Dinner!
400
00:18:17,262 --> 00:18:19,296
Come to the table.
401
00:18:19,298 --> 00:18:21,431
A meal fit
for a king.
402
00:18:21,433 --> 00:18:22,766
Irene,
you sit there.
403
00:18:22,768 --> 00:18:24,334
Frank,
you sit here.
404
00:18:24,336 --> 00:18:26,070
Archie,
you sit there.
405
00:18:26,072 --> 00:18:27,137
And I'll
sit here.
406
00:18:27,139 --> 00:18:30,674
You see how I
worked it out, Archie?
407
00:18:30,676 --> 00:18:34,578
Boy, girl, boy, girl.
408
00:18:34,580 --> 00:18:39,083
Now that we know what we are,
Edith, can we eat?
409
00:18:39,085 --> 00:18:43,653
Oh, wait a minute. This is
just like a holiday meal.
410
00:18:43,655 --> 00:18:46,556
Don't you think we should
say a few words first?
411
00:18:46,558 --> 00:18:49,159
Yeah, I know
just the words to say.
412
00:18:49,161 --> 00:18:52,696
Bless the meat, damn the skin,
open your kisser and cram it in.
413
00:19:01,940 --> 00:19:05,342
Hey, I bet you never heard
that kinda grace before, huh?
414
00:19:05,344 --> 00:19:09,179
No. And I wish
I'd never heard that one.
415
00:19:09,181 --> 00:19:11,215
Come on, let's eat,
everybody, huh?
416
00:19:11,217 --> 00:19:13,483
I can't wait to see
your faces when you dig in.
417
00:19:13,485 --> 00:19:15,853
Uh, see what
we got here.
418
00:19:15,855 --> 00:19:17,320
Archie!
419
00:19:17,322 --> 00:19:20,323
Don't shake my arm.
420
00:19:29,567 --> 00:19:34,371
Look at this. Three blows and
all the heat's gone out of it.
421
00:19:34,373 --> 00:19:40,077
It's vichyssoise, Archie.
It's supposed to be cold.
422
00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:41,979
The soup is supposed
to be cold?
423
00:19:41,981 --> 00:19:46,049
Yeah. If you
warm it up, it cries.
424
00:19:48,352 --> 00:19:51,789
Well, uh,
I'll tell you what--
425
00:19:51,791 --> 00:19:53,590
See? I cook my heart out
with that soup
426
00:19:53,592 --> 00:19:54,758
and he's not eating it.
427
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:57,527
It's a flop!
No! No, no, Frank.
428
00:19:57,529 --> 00:20:00,430
Well, wait a minute, wait
a minute, don't get excited.
429
00:20:00,432 --> 00:20:01,832
Look, if it'll
make you feel better,
430
00:20:01,834 --> 00:20:04,467
I'll keep it
over here by me.
431
00:20:05,536 --> 00:20:06,837
Come on, Frank.
No.
432
00:20:06,839 --> 00:20:08,839
Come on, give us a smile.
No. Come on, Irene.
433
00:20:08,841 --> 00:20:10,440
Come on, come on.
Come on, Irene. Stop.
434
00:20:10,442 --> 00:20:12,276
There it comes, sweetheart.
Irene.
435
00:20:12,278 --> 00:20:14,878
[BOTH LAUGHING]
436
00:20:14,880 --> 00:20:18,148
There it is. Look at
that beautiful big smile.
437
00:20:18,150 --> 00:20:23,053
♪ From ear to
Shining ear ♪
438
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:26,423
See what she does to me?
She's a witch, a witch!
439
00:20:26,425 --> 00:20:30,027
For a minute there I thought
she was gonna burp you.
440
00:20:31,896 --> 00:20:36,099
Archie, where are you going?
You haven't tasted anything.
441
00:20:36,101 --> 00:20:37,367
What are you talking about?
442
00:20:37,369 --> 00:20:39,703
The cold soup
was a taste thrill.
443
00:20:39,705 --> 00:20:41,738
I'll see you in a few moments.
Oh, but, Archie...
444
00:20:41,740 --> 00:20:43,740
I told you,
he hates it, he hates it.
445
00:20:43,742 --> 00:20:45,275
Oh, no, no!
446
00:20:45,277 --> 00:20:48,846
Edith, I don't think Archie's
very happy about our being here.
447
00:20:48,848 --> 00:20:50,780
No. He loves
you being here.
448
00:20:50,782 --> 00:20:54,384
And he's gonna love
all the food, I know.
449
00:20:54,386 --> 00:20:56,987
When you live with a man
long enough,
450
00:20:56,989 --> 00:20:58,655
you know what he's thinking,
451
00:20:58,657 --> 00:21:02,826
and believe me, I've lived
with Archie long enough.
452
00:21:05,063 --> 00:21:06,363
You see? You see?
453
00:21:06,365 --> 00:21:08,232
That's what happens
when you cook a gourmet dinner
454
00:21:08,234 --> 00:21:10,433
for a man who's not even
ready for McDonald's.
455
00:21:10,435 --> 00:21:15,038
Oh, I'm sorry, Frank.
Now, snap out of it.
456
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:18,175
Hey, I think something else
is disturbing you
457
00:21:18,177 --> 00:21:19,542
besides the dinner.
458
00:21:19,544 --> 00:21:21,178
All right, I'll tell you
what's bothering me.
459
00:21:21,180 --> 00:21:23,747
Do you realize how much time
you've been spending with Edith?
460
00:21:23,749 --> 00:21:25,949
Do you realize that this is
the first chance I've had
461
00:21:25,951 --> 00:21:27,384
to talk to you alone
all day?
462
00:21:27,386 --> 00:21:29,853
Frank, you missed me.
463
00:21:29,855 --> 00:21:32,522
I miss you?
I miss you?
464
00:21:32,524 --> 00:21:34,324
The bathroom faucets
are leaking,
465
00:21:34,326 --> 00:21:36,126
my electric razor
started to whistle again,
466
00:21:36,128 --> 00:21:38,195
the floorboards
are all loose.
467
00:21:38,197 --> 00:21:39,997
Sure I miss you.
468
00:21:39,999 --> 00:21:42,132
That's the most romantic thing
you've said to me
469
00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:45,602
since I plugged up
the leak in your dishwasher.
470
00:21:46,670 --> 00:21:47,670
Leave me alone!
471
00:21:47,672 --> 00:21:49,072
If I gotta eat
a cold dinner,
472
00:21:49,074 --> 00:21:51,775
I'm gonna eat something
American: spaghetti.
473
00:21:53,177 --> 00:21:57,547
You're gonna hurt his feelings.
He worked so hard.
474
00:21:57,549 --> 00:21:59,549
To hell with him.
475
00:22:00,618 --> 00:22:01,985
Oh, put that down!
476
00:22:01,987 --> 00:22:03,553
Give me that
back here.
477
00:22:03,555 --> 00:22:05,755
Archie Bunker,
you listen to me.
478
00:22:05,757 --> 00:22:07,624
Ever since you've
come home here tonight,
479
00:22:07,626 --> 00:22:10,827
you've been acting
like a little boy.
480
00:22:10,829 --> 00:22:12,562
Because I'm hungry!
481
00:22:12,564 --> 00:22:13,496
And I'm talking!
482
00:22:24,442 --> 00:22:27,644
Every time I start
to make new friends,
483
00:22:27,646 --> 00:22:30,380
something always happens
between you and them.
484
00:22:30,382 --> 00:22:33,050
But I ain't gonna let it happen
with Frank and Irene,
485
00:22:33,052 --> 00:22:35,652
because I like them
and they like me.
486
00:22:35,654 --> 00:22:39,622
They're my friends
and I wanna keep them.
487
00:22:40,691 --> 00:22:43,560
[WHINING]
488
00:22:44,628 --> 00:22:46,029
What do you want me to do?
489
00:22:46,031 --> 00:22:49,833
I want you to go back in there
and be nice to them.
490
00:22:51,702 --> 00:22:54,104
Oh, go ahead
and I'll follow you.
491
00:22:54,106 --> 00:22:56,139
Oh, thank you, Archie.
Oh, go on, go on.
492
00:22:56,141 --> 00:22:58,108
Go on.
493
00:22:59,510 --> 00:23:01,211
Archie!
494
00:23:01,213 --> 00:23:03,280
Get in there!
495
00:23:04,815 --> 00:23:09,819
Everybody, we found out what was
making Archie act queer.
496
00:23:09,821 --> 00:23:12,389
Different,
not queer!
497
00:23:17,996 --> 00:23:21,398
It's the heat. He hasn't
been himself for days.
498
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:24,201
And until the
air conditioner gets--
499
00:23:24,203 --> 00:23:26,303
Would you like me
to take a look at it?
500
00:23:26,305 --> 00:23:27,670
Keep away from it.
501
00:23:27,672 --> 00:23:30,340
Oh, Archie, I think our friend
should look at it.
502
00:23:30,342 --> 00:23:31,541
Yeah, well, all right.
503
00:23:31,543 --> 00:23:32,942
It's just that, you know,
504
00:23:32,944 --> 00:23:34,711
I always figured
the first law of nature
505
00:23:34,713 --> 00:23:36,746
is that women and machinery
don't mix, you know?
506
00:23:36,748 --> 00:23:39,682
I mean, why do you think
God gave men short hair?
507
00:23:39,684 --> 00:23:42,019
So it wouldn't get caught
in the machinery.
508
00:23:42,021 --> 00:23:44,821
You read my mind.
509
00:23:44,823 --> 00:23:48,892
That's not the hardest thing
in the world to do.
510
00:23:48,894 --> 00:23:52,229
That's another shot.
511
00:23:52,231 --> 00:23:55,965
Why don't we all
sit down and eat.
512
00:23:55,967 --> 00:23:57,434
Oh, wonderful,
wonderful!
513
00:23:57,436 --> 00:24:00,237
[SINGING IN ITALIAN]
514
00:24:00,239 --> 00:24:02,139
Can I ask you
something, Frank?
515
00:24:02,141 --> 00:24:03,507
You gotta sing
all the time?
516
00:24:03,509 --> 00:24:05,242
Frank, why do you
have to sing all--?
517
00:24:05,244 --> 00:24:06,576
He sings
when he's happy.
518
00:24:06,578 --> 00:24:09,246
♪ I sing when I'm happy
Archie, I sing... ♪
519
00:24:09,248 --> 00:24:11,081
Okay, be happy, Frank!
Be happy and sing!
520
00:24:11,083 --> 00:24:14,817
If you wanna be happy, be happy!
I'll make everybody happy.
521
00:24:14,819 --> 00:24:17,754
[BLOWING HORN]
522
00:24:24,962 --> 00:24:30,167
There. The Lorenzos are gone,
the dishes are all done
523
00:24:30,169 --> 00:24:33,603
and now you've got me
all to yourself.
524
00:24:35,573 --> 00:24:38,908
Yeah, that's right,
Edith.
525
00:24:38,910 --> 00:24:41,244
And that's the way
it should be too.
526
00:24:42,313 --> 00:24:43,846
Think I'll go to bed.
527
00:25:03,167 --> 00:25:06,936
[♪]
528
00:25:06,938 --> 00:25:11,007
ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recordedon tape before a live audience.
529
00:25:11,057 --> 00:25:15,607
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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