Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made The Hit Parade ♪

♪ Guys like us We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Mm, Ma, that smells good. What are you making?

Beef stroganoff.

Beef stroganoff for Archie?

Ma, you know he says

anything but meat and potatoes makes him sick.

Well, I'll just tell him it's Yankee stew.

See, Archie don't get sick on food,

just on names.

That figures.

Like, he won't eat kidney beans

because of the name.

And we never have rump roast.

Uh, Ma, this has sour cream in it.

Archie hates sour cream.

Well, he won't know the difference

once he puts ketchup on it.

GLORIA: Hello?

Oh, Gloria!

Hey! Boy, am I glad to see you!

Hi! Hi, honey.

You going to stay home tonight?

No, I have to be back at the store at 9:00.

How long is that damn inventory going to take?

I don't know, Michael.

We're reorganizing the whole store.

We could be finished tonight, tomorrow-- I don't know.

Gloria, it's been two weeks since we...

I know, Michael.

But what can I do?

Try waking me up when you come home.

Michael, it's so late

and I'm tired.

Gloria, it's unhealthy this way.

It's only been two weeks, Michael.

I mean, what do monks do?

Monks pray a lot.

Try to be a little understanding, Michael.

Oh, I'm sorry.

We'll be finished at the store soon.

Yeah.

I'm gonna go upstairs and change clothes now.

I'll help you.

All right, everybody, let's get it in here!

Edith, come on, Edith!

Mike and Gloria, where are you?

Archie, what is it? What's the matter?

Hurry up, now. Come on here! Come on!

I'm timing you.

Hey, let's go.

Hold it!

I was just timing all of you.

See how long it'd take all of youse

to get in here and give me the big hello.

The loving spouse made it in two seconds,

the little girl made it in three seconds,

and Meathead, as usual, brung up the rear there

at four and 2/10 seconds.

Archie, you got a beautiful new watch.

Oh, Edith, beautiful ain't the word.

That there is a genuine 100% chromonometer there.

Look at all those dials.

Look at them, little girl.

Count them. Seven of them, seven.

Is there anything there that tells you what time it is?

Ah, jeez, Edith, certainly!

The big hands tell you the time.

But see, that ain't all this watch tells you, see?

This is what you call one of them

round-the-world watches, right?

Over here, I can tell

that it's morning in China, see that?

Right at this moment, 800 million Chinks

is sitting down to breakfast.

Archie, in the first place,

they are called Chinese.

That's what I said, Chinks.

And other things this watch can tell you.

Like, for instance,

do you know what shape the moon is in tonight?

No, but I'll look.

Get back here, Edith!

Get back here.

Let the watch tell you that.

I can read it right over here, see?

Tonight, the moon is in the quarter phase.

See, that's the whole point of this watch.

With this watch, you never have to look at the moon again.

Look at that.

It's got the date on it.

I'll tell you what it's got on it, little girl.

See there? It's got the date on it.

It's right here in that--

They call that the calendar part, see?

[BUZZING]

What's that?

A-ha.

That there is the alarm.

That's for suppertime, see?

And that's the alarm you're going to hear

every night around this time, Edith,

to show you that supper should be on the table.

Well, suppose I'm in another room,

and I don't hear it?

Then you'll hear the old alarm, Ma.

"Edith, get supper on the table!"

Archie, that sounded just like you.

Oh, really?

Then why don't it make you move?

Oh! "Oh!"

I tell you what. I'm going to time you.

I'll give you five minutes to get supper on the table.

ARCHIE: Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Get ready. Get set. Go!

Oh, Daddy.

Why do you make Ma run like that?

What are you talking about? She loves this.

Daddy, you're hopeless. Ahh!

Arch, where'd you get that watch anyway?

I got it off of a friend.

See that? What'd I tell you?

She loves it. She's pretty fast too.

Arch, what friend?

Oh, a guy by the name of Tommy Macklin.

This here is a 300-buck registered Omega.

Daddy, what would make you buy

an expensive watch like that?

Because the guy come up to me,

he said he's got

his mother in the hospital,

he needed a little extra cash.

How am I doing, Archie?

ARCHIE: Oh, take it easy there, Edith.

You better save a little steam for the home stretch.

Oh, thank you.

Gee, Daddy, that was really sweet of you

to help a friend like that.

What did your father do?

He gave a friend $300 for that watch.

Archie, that's a lot of money.

Hold it, Edith.

I didn't pay no $300 for the watch.

Well, didn't you say it was a $300 watch?

Yeah, but I didn't say I paid that much.

Ain't you never heard of bargains?

The guy gave me a little off.

Oh, then how much did it cost, Daddy?

Twenty-five dollars.

That's not a bargain, that's a steal.

A steal!

That don't sound right to me.

The clock is running on you, Edith.

Oh.

Your friend Tommy

has a sick mother in the hospital

and all you gave him for a watch like that was $25?

Wait a minute there, little girl.

I didn't want the watch in the first place.

The guy comes up to me. He wants to sell it there.

He asked $25.

What am I supposed to do, bargain him up?

Dinner's ready!

Hey! I think you done that

in a little under five minutes.

Well, that was good, wasn't it, Archie?

Well, it's time that could be improved,

you know?

Maybe I'll buy you a pair of sneakers.

Daddy, how can you face

your friend Tommy at work

with you wearing his watch?

I don't have to face him at all.

He works way over Pier 48.

You mean he works on the docks?

That's right.

Well, then that explains it.

What does it explain?

Arch, the docks is New York's famous grab bag.

They unload things there and they disappear.

Tommy sold you a hot watch.

Get out of here.

Come on, weren't you suspicious?

I mean, why would a guy sell you a $300 watch for 25 bucks?

Listen, wise guy, a guy comes and offers me a deal,

I don't ask no questions.

I know. I know you don't ask any questions.

Nobody does, and that's what's wrong with this country.

Ah, jeez, he's off on "the country" again!

That's right. That's right.

Nobody's asking questions anymore.

Let me ask you a question.

MIKE: What?

Why don't you shut up?

You see? That's it.

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

Nobody cares. Not even Congress.

President Nixon does whatever he wants

and Congress lets him get away with it.

They don't ask any questions.

What are you talking about?

Congress can ask Mr. Nixon anything they want.

Sure, they can, but it won't do any good.

He never answers anyone.

I don't blame him.

They're all a bunch of dumbbells.

I go along with my president.

Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.

So what are you saying?

We shouldn't ask you any questions

about hot watches?

Will you cut that out?

This ain't no hot watch.

And don't be casting no dispersions

on the guy that sold me the watch, Tommy Macklin,

because everybody who knows Tommy

knows that he's as square a guy as they come.

I tell you something about Tommy:

He used to be in jail.

That makes him a square guy?

Will you let me finish the story?

It so happens the man was framed.

How do you know that?

Because he told me that.

Oh, well, then.

Yeah, see how it is talking to you?

That's you all over.

That's your, what do you call it, attitude, see?

You're prejudiced against Tommy Macklin

because you know he's a white guy.

I don't know anything about him.

I just told you he was a white guy.

MIKE: So?

That's why you hate him.

What?

You are prejudiced against white people.

Don't tell me no--

You're crazy!

I ain't crazy!

If I told you that Tommy Macklin was a black guy,

you'd be crying tears and saying,

"Oh, give the poor ex-con a chance."

But you know he's a white guy, so you're against him.

Well, I ain't prejudiced that way.

I ain't prejudiced against no man

just because his skin is the same color as my own.

Yeah, Archie has lots of white friends.

You're damn right, and I'm gonna get more.

I'll tell you why I really bought this watch.

It's because I wanted to show Tommy Macklin

that somebody in this world

had a little faith in him.

Oh, sure. How sweet.

Ah, well, I can't talk to you.

What the hell am I eating here?

Yankee stew.

Well, the Yankees struck out.

Pass me the ketchup.

Oh, Daddy, you'd put ketchup on a donut.

If it needed it.

I'll tell you something else

about this here watch, Edith.

This is kind of, what do you call,

an investment, you know?

Any time we're short of cash,

I can run over to a hock shop,

turn this in and get at least $150 on it, huh?

Wouldn't that be taking a chance? Why?

Arch, you said so yourself. The watch is registered, right?

You take that down to a hock shop,

that guy checks the serial number

against a police list of stolen goods.

If it's hot, they got you.

Look at you, waving that fork around at the table.

Like I told you a long time ago,

you are a person of very little quality.

[BUZZING]

What are you timing now, Daddy?

I ain't timing nothing.

It went on by itself there.

[BUZZING FADES]

Jeez, I wonder why it done that.

Listen to that. It went off by itself.

Hey. Don't tell me there's something wrong with it.

Let me listen. Shh. Shush!

I don't hear nothing at all here.

Aw, now, don't tell me

the watch is busted already.

Oh, yeah, now we'll never know

when the Chinese have finished breakfast.

I wonder what happened to it.

I think I know what happened to it.

I had the ketchup up here.

I was pounding it here on the bottom.

It must have busted a spring

or turned something loose in there,

and, Edith, that's your fault

for not loosening up that ketchup!

Oh, I'm sorry, Archie,

but it's supposed to come out slow.

It's Heinz, the slowest ketchup in the West.

Ain't that a shame, now?

I just got the watch.

I hardly start wearing it,

and now I gotta take it in to be fixed.

You going to take it to a jeweler?

No, Meathead, I'm going to take it into a garage for a lube job.

Certainly, I'm going to take it in to a jeweler.

Aw, Daddy, I wouldn't do that if I were you,

because if it's stolen, you're in trouble.

I told you, little girl, the watch ain't stolen.

Yeah, but what if the jeweler checks

the serial number with the police

and it turns out to be stolen?

Oh, come on, "turns out to be." Anything could turn out to be.

That's what we're trying to tell you.

I saw something once about a watch on Mannix.

ARCHIE: Yeah, what?

Or was it Let's Make a Deal?

Aw, leave me alone, will you?

Daddy, if it's stolen,

what are you going to tell the police?

Well, if it was stolen, which it ain't,

I would just say to the cops--

I would say, uh,

"I bought it off of a guy,

and I don't know nothing more about it."

What if the cops find out that that guy is Tommy Macklin,

they put the heat on him

and he says you know everything about it?

Then they got you as a receiver of stolen goods.

That's right.

How come everything you cook gives me heartburn?!

Where's the bicarb of soda?

Oh, I'll get it for you, Archie.

Oh, jeez, isn't this awful?

Archie, you ain't really worried

about that watch, are you?

No, Edith, only that it's broke.

I mean, you wouldn't buy a watch

if you knew it was stolen,

would you?

You know me better than that, Edith.

I ain't never heard you talk

about Tommy Macklin before.

Have you known him a long time?

Oh, yeah, yeah, long, long.

How long?

A week.

Edith?

You out there, Edith?

Uh, Gloria, Mike, you upstairs?

Uh, hello, Joe Bropy?

Uh, my name is Archie Bunker.

I'm a friend of Stretch Cunningham's.

I work with him.

Yeah, yeah, he's a nice guy.

Uh, Joe, uh, Stretch tells me that you got a cousin

that buys and sells and fixes jewelry

with no questions asked.

Good. Well, where can I get ahold of him?

Huh?

Oh, yeah? For how long?

No, no, I got to get somebody fast.

I can't wait 1 to 10.

Bye.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, Mr. Bunker.

Oh, hiya, Lionel, come on in.

Here's your cleaning.

Uh, do me a favor and stick it

in the closet there, will you?

Is Mrs. Bunker around?

She usually pays me on Friday nights.

Oh, no, she's out somewhere,

but she'll catch up with you, Lionel.

Okay. See you.

Lionel, as long as you're here,

there's something I'd like to ask you.

Yeah?

Yeah, it's something that I've been

wondering about for a while.

Uh-huh.

Lionel, uh, you know them riots

youse people are always going to?

We people?

I don't mean you personally,

I mean, you know, the troublemakers.

Oh, them other people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, when they go to these here riots,

don't they, uh, every now and then

break into jewelry stores?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

They don't want nobody to feel left out.

Yeah. Well...

A guy busts into a jewelry store there,

and he whips a watch, see, and then,

in all the excitement of, uh, running away, uh,

the watch gets damaged.

Like, for instance,

if a cop comes up and he's got a club,

and he takes a swing at the guy's head

and by accident he hits the watch.

You can see that happening?

Oh, sure, yeah.

That's what gives riots a bad name.

Look, please, sit down.

Suppose a guy has got that kind of a watch, see?

It's damaged.

Now, where would he go

to get it fixed, like, uh, on the q.t.?

Oh, well, I wouldn't know about them places.

Lionel, I don't mean you.

I thought maybe you had some friend who might know.

No, my friends don't fool with small stuff.

They're more into air conditioners,

TV sets, stereos.

Never a watch?

No, but if you want to put in a order for the next riot...

Lionel, Lionel, be serious here, will you?

It so happens I got a very close friend, see?

And he just got ahold of this expensive watch.

He got it in a riot?

No, no, no. He's a white guy.

Oh.

He got ahold of this watch, like, just yesterday,

and now it's broke.

And I want to know, I mean,

where could he get it fixed off the record?

Why don't he ask the police?

No, no, got to keep the cops out of this.

Why?

From what I've been reading, the cops got great connections.

Now, hold it, Lionel, hold it.

I think I know what you're getting at there.

Now, that ain't exactly fair.

We all know there's a couple of cops on the take.

You don't want to go blaming the whole police department

for a couple of rotten apples.

Oh!

So-- So what you're saying is,

don't condemn a whole group of people

for the actions of a few?

That's right, Lionel. You gotta remember that.

Oh, I will. I will, Mr. Bunker.

Uh, uh, let me see now.

"Don't condemn a whole group of people

for the actions of just a few."

Yeah, you got it, Lionel. What about the watch?

Oh, hello, Lionel.

Hi.

I'm glad I caught you, because I want to pay you.

How much do I owe you?

Five dollars even.

Oh, here you are, and thanks.

Oh, Archie, here's the ticket for your watch.

What?

Your round-the-world watch.

It'll be ready in a few days.

What did you do with it?

Why, I took it to Abrams Jewelers.

Why did you do that?

You said you wanted it fixed.

ARCHIE: Oh, Edith!

Ain't that a coincidence, Mr. Bunker?

Your friend broke his watch the same time you did.

I'll see you around, huh, Lionel?

Bye, Lionel.

Bye, Mrs. Bunker.

Wait, how did that go again, Mr. Bunker?

Uh, "don't condemn

"a whole group of people

for the actions of a few."

Yeah, you got it.

Yeah, I got it.

"Don't condemn a whole group of people

for the actions of a few."

"Don't condemn..."

Edith, why did--?

Edith, Edith, where the hell are you?

EDITH: In the kitchen!

Where was you two?

Upstairs.

Why didn't you answer when I called youse?

We didn't hear you.

Edith, Edith, do you know

what you done to me?

Why did you take that watch into Abrams'?

Well, I could have taken it to Nelson's,

but Mrs. Abrams and I have gotten to be

such good friends.

That ain't the point!

Edith, Abrams had the watch all day!

He could have opened it up,

seen the serial number there and called the cops.

They could be on their way over here right now.

Oh, no, I don't think so.

I don't think he's even looked at the watch yet.

Why not?

Because I just took it in 10 minutes ago.

10 minutes ago?

Yeah.

Oh, Edith, I love you!

Oh, Archie!

Get away from me!

Mike, Mike!

Yeah?

Where'd you come from?

Uh, the stork brought me.

Ah, don't be a wise guy!

Get over here!

Get your coat on! What for?

Get your coat on. What for?

Get your coat on, get your coat on.

Get your coat on!

Okay! I'm getting it on!

What's going on?

Archie said he loved me!

All right, what do you want me to do?

I want you to go down to Abrams Jewelry.

Your mother-in-law took that watch in by mistake.

I want you to get it back before he sees the serial number.

Why? You afraid it's stolen?

No, I ain't afraid it's stolen!

It happens to be a beautiful watch.

I don't want no neighborhood amateur

messing around with it, see?

So hurry up down there and get it.

Will you move? I'm going.

Can you move faster? Leave me alone,

Can you get going? I'm going!

What if he already checked the number?

Wait. Get back in here.

What?

Get back in here. Archie--

Get back in here! Come on!

All right, all right!

I'm back in here, now what?

Shut up. I'm going to call Abrams.

I'm going to get him on the phone.

It's going to be faster.

Gloria, look up Mr. Abrams' telephone number.

The number's on the ticket.

Get the ticket.

Where's the phone book?

Get her the phone book.

Call information. Call information.

I got the ticket!

Give me the ticket. I'm getting information.

She's got the ticket. I got information.

We don't need information.

Hello, Abrams Jewelry Store, please.

Give me the phone. Give me the phone.

Daddy, you just told me--

We got the ticket! Give me the phone.

Information, we don't need you. We got the ticket.

Get off the line. I got to use it!

Will you get away from here

and let her in there?

Give me the ticket. Get out of here!

Read that ticket to me.

Oh, "Abrams Jewelers, open 9:00 to 6:00."

No! Read me the telephone number

on the ticket!

What's the difference? It's closed anyway.

Huh? It's after 6:00.

It ain't after 6:00.

It is after 6:00. It is after 6:00.

It-- It is after 6:00!

Oh, jeez, don't you realize what that means?

It means the Chinese

are eating breakfast again.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Oh, I'll get it!

Oh, hello, Mr. Abrams.

Hello, Mrs. Bunker.

Come in. We was just talking about you.

Archie, this is Mr. Abrams.

Yeah, Edith, I see him there.

Get lost.

Mr. Abrams,

about that watch my wife brung over.

That's what I want to talk to you about.

I got bad news for you, Mr. Bunker.

Don't tell me no bad news.

Let me tell you, first of all,

I don't know nothing about that watch.

I know.

That's why I came to tell you

that it's going to cost you $21 to fix it.

That's what you come over to tell me?

Jeez, I thought you were going to come over and tell me

that maybe the watch was stolen or something.

This watch? No, absolutely not.

Well, that's good news, Mr. Abrams!

Do you hear that, all of youse over there,

and particularly you, Meathead?

Your record is still perfect.

You're wrong again.

Mr. Abrams, you have my authoritization

to go ahead and fix the watch.

Are you sure, Mr. Bunker?

$21 is a lot of money to spend to fix an $8 watch.

What do you mean? That's a $300 Omega.

This is not an Omega. It is "Onega."

Huh? With an N.

What do you mean?

Here, take a look. You see?

They've changed the M to N,

and it looks like the expensive watch.

It's a million-dollar racket, Mr. Bunker,

all over the country.

Oh, jeez, Edith.

It's an N.

Sorry, Mr. Bunker.

Goodbye.

EDITH: Goodbye.

ARCHIE: Oh, holy cow.

Edith, it's an N.

I hate to admit it,

but it looks like I've been took.

It's not that bad, Arch.

What do you mean, it ain't that bad?

This watch is the same as two weeks' take-home pay.

How do you figure that, Daddy?

Figure it out yourself.

Two weeks' take-home pay, that's $300.

But, Arch, you only spent $25 on an $8 watch.

You're only out 17 bucks.

Use your brains, will you?

Tommy Macklin says it's a $300 watch.

I give him $25 for it.

$25 from $300 is $275 I'm out!

You're wrong. You're wrong.

I ain't wrong, you dumbbell! I'm right!

All right, all right.

You want to be right? Yeah.

I'll show you how you can be right.

You spend the $21, you get the watch fixed.

You've already spent 25,

so for a $46 investment, you got your $300 watch back.

Maybe you got something there.

Sure.

But the watch is still only worth $8.

Huh?

That's what Mr. Abrams said.

Boy, are you stupid.

I'm stupid?

You're the one who's stupid!

[ALL YELLING AND LAUGHING]

I can't get over it being tonight here

and tomorrow morning in China.

Well, it's the different time zones, Ma.

It's like, uh, well, it's three hours earlier

on the West Coast than it is here.

Yeah, for instance, if you left New York

on a plane that flew fast enough,

you could meet yourself landing in California.

Oh, my. I wonder what I'd say to myself.

You'd say, uh, "Hello, Dingbat."

[♪]

ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape before a live audience.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0