Original subtitles

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made The Hit Parade ♪

♪ Guys like us We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Gloria, I can't get that locket

out of my mind.

Aw, stop worrying, Ma.

People do lose things, you know.

I shouldn't have worn it today,

but I wanted to look my best.

I was serving tea

to the ladies at the church.

You wouldn't think that anything bad could happen to you

when you're doing something religious.

Ma, you're just going to have to try and forget about it.

I can't. Grandma gave me that locket on her deathbed.

She put it around my neck and she said,

"Edith, I want you to wear this always to remember me by."

Those were her last words to me.

Those and, "Don't marry Archie."

Gee, Ma, didn't anybody in your family like Daddy?

Oh, yeah.

Who?

Me.

Look at the time.

Archie will be here any minute

and I ain't even started dinner.

Oh, I'm taking care of that, Ma.

We're having Chinese food.

From the Twin Dragons?

No, no, no. I found a recipe for chicken chow mein

in the newspaper.

See, you make it from leftovers.

But we ain't got no leftover chicken.

I know, so I'm using corned beef hash.

ARCHIE: Edith, where are you?

Is that you, Archie?

No. It's Marcus Welby making a house call.

I'm sorry, Archie. I ain't myself today.

That could be an improvement, Edith.

Archie, I got some terrible news for you.

I got enough of my own, Edith.

Somebody swiped my lunch box

on the subway today.

Somebody swiped your lunch box?

Oh, look at this.

Bad news always brings more.

Do you mind?

Oh, my, then you didn't have no lunch.

No.

I went across the street

to Liebewitz's Kosher Deli, you know.

But wouldn't you know,

it's some kind of Jewish holiday today.

Just when you need a Jew the most, he's closed.

Dinner's ready!

Oh, great, I'm starved.

Let me tell you something, Meathead.

I'm going to eat you under the table tonight.

Wait a minute. wait a minute.

What do you call this here, huh?

Chicken chow mein. I made it myself.

I don't see no chicken here.

That looks like corned beef hash to me.

Well, it is.

We didn't have any chicken.

Well, what the hell is this other stuff here?

This looks like some kind of burnt spaghetti.

It is spaghetti.

We didn't have any Chinese noodles.

What the hell is Chinese about this slop?

The name, Archie. Chow mein.

Oh!

Come on, Daddy. Try it. It's good for you.

It's kind of tasty and it's very light.

Well, I'm glad to hear it's light.

Then it won't hurt nobody when you throw it out the window.

Edith, go out in the kitchen, will you,

and get me something I can eat.

Get me my Cheerios or my Cocoa Puffs or something.

Meantime, I'll watch old pinko Cronkite on the news.

Wait a minute.

Where's the guts to my TV?

Hey, Edith!

What's the matter, Archie?

Where's the guts to my TV?

Oh, they couldn't fix it here.

They had to take it to the shop.

They say it needs a new picture tube.

It's going to cost $75.

Oh, Edith, I ain't got that kind of money.

Gee, the whole world is out to get me today.

Me, too, Archie.

I lost Grandma's gold locket today.

You got the nerve to mention that old hunk of junk

in the same breath as my TV?

Archie! That locket was worth a lot to me.

What worth?

An old piece of tin from the Civil War?

It's old enough to be an antique.

Ah!

I wore it into Mr. Snider's jewelry shop last year

and he saw it and offered me $150 for it.

$150? You never told me nothing about that.

It ain't the money, Archie.

You know how I loved Grandma.

Now I ain't got nothing to remember her by.

Oh-ho, maybe we can get you something a whole lot better

to remember her by.

What do you mean?

Listen, that homeowner's insurance policy we got.

That'll cover that locket.

Oh, Archie, money can never replace that locket.

Oh, money ain't gonna replace the locket, Edith.

The locket will be replaced by a brand-new color TV.

What new color TV?

The one we're gonna get, Edith, with the $300

the insurance company's gonna give you for that locket.

But Mr. Snider said the locket was only worth 150.

Ah, but, Edith,

you're forgetting your sentimentual value, there.

That brings it up another 150 bucks.

Now, get the policy and don't say no more.

But, Archie, I-- You're saying more.

Now, get the policy, huh?

Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha-ha!

Well, it looks like today

ain't gonna turn out to be so bad after all.

And I could eat my Cocoa Puffs here

if I had my milk and my bowl

and my special spoon from the World's Fair.

I'll get it.

Double-header today, huh, Arch?

What do you mean by that?

You're going to cheat the insurance company and Ma.

Why don't you mind your own beeswax, huh?

Here you are, Daddy.

Well, wait a minute, wait a minute.

That ain't my special spoon from the World's Fair.

What's the difference?

There's a lot of difference, little girl.

What's so special about a spoon?

Because that spoon happens to fit my mouth.

The same way your foot fits your mouth.

Now, will you go get the World's Fair spoon?

All right, but it's silly.

You know something?

I bet you that if I blindfolded you

you couldn't tell those spoons apart.

You'd lose, wiseguy.

You want to put a quarter on it?

You want to lose a quarter?

I'll put a quarter down. Come on, put it up.

You want a bet? There, you got a bet.

All right. Gloria, blindfold your father.

I don't need no blindfold.

I can just close my eyes and tell.

What's going on?

I bet him he can't tell the spoons apart.

I got my eyes shut. Put the spoons in my hand.

No, no, no, no.

You'll be able to tell the spoons

by feeling the handles.

Gloria will hold the spoons.

You feed him, Gloria.

Go ahead.

All right, Daddy, you keep your eyes closed.

I got 'em closed.

No peeking.

No peeking.

Okay, open your mouth.

Ah.

Well?

Uh...

Hah! You can't tell the difference.

Wait a minute, will you, Meathead?

Give me a chance with the other one there.

Go ahead.

Okay, Daddy, here's the other one.

Gloria! Don't force him to eat that

if he don't want it.

That's the one!

I got it. That's my spoon.

Pay me off the quarter.

Wrong! I've been holding your World's Fair spoon

the whole time. You owe me a quarter. Pay up.

You ain't gonna get the quarter.

The bet is off.

Because why? Because you are a lousy crook.

Now give me my World's Fair spoon,

because you ain't even worthy to hold it.

Here's the policy, Archie.

Good.

Now, first thing Monday morning I'm gonna take this policy

down to the guy who sold it to me,

Joe Peterson, an old VFW buddy of mine,

and he's going to take care of yours truly, personally.

Uh, I'm going to have to ask you

a very important question, Arch,

and be careful how you answer.

Was the locket lost or was it stolen?

Uh, what's the difference?

300 bucks.

Huh?

According to your policy,

if the locket was stolen, you're covered.

But if it was lost...

Stolen, stolen, stolen.

That's lucky, Arch.

For a minute there, I thought you'd said lost.

No, that's just my way of talking, you know?

Anytime an item gets stole from me, I always say it's lost.

It sounds nicer. Yes.

Agnes, make a note for me to call Ed Wagner

at Ben Franklin Mutual later.

Wagner's an old buddy of mine.

Any claim I send over to Wagner...

Hey, what else is an old buddy for, huh?

Okay, Arch, you want to give me the details for the record?

Yeah, well, Edith was out shopping, see.

She was wearing the locket

then all of a sudden she looked down

and there, hanging from around her neck,

was no locket.

Arch, that wouldn't cut no ice. It could've fallen off.

No, no, it didn't fall off.

It was stolen, Joe. Yeah, I know it was stolen.

But I'm afraid we'll need a few more details.

Like, uh...

Like, uh... who could've stolen it.

Did she see anybody suspicious nearby?

Yeah.

Yeah, I was just coming to that, Joe.

Good. Go ahead.

Uh, just before it happened,

Edith was looking over her shoulder, see,

and there, running like hell around the corner,

was the neighborhood mugger.

Neighborhood mugger?

Yeah. Every neighborhood's got one.

Did, uh, Edith describe him?

No, uh, she don't know him too good.

You mean he ran away too fast

before your wife had a good look at him.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

And did you report this to the police?

Uh... You got to do that?

Yeah, if you want to collect.

Oh, jeez. You didn't do that?

You'd better go right down to the police station

and make it official.

Guess I'd better go right down to the police

and make it official, yeah.

But don't go until you sign the form.

Yeah. Oh, ain't that a shame, Joe?

I thought I could walk in here

and walk out with the check.

Well, I'll get it to you Friday night

at the latest.

I'll bring it over to the house personally.

Oh, gee, Joe,

that's awful nice of you there.

By the way, uh, tell Edith I'm sorry.

About what?

About the locket.

Oh, yeah, about the locket.

Oh, well, see, we look at it this way.

Like we, uh, didn't just lose a locket, see.

We gained a new color TV.

Well, let me get this straight, Ma.

The police found the locket?

Yeah.

Wasn't Archie smart, reporting it, huh?

Yeah, they made me go down to the police station

and identify it.

It was so exciting.

Well, where'd they find it?

In a man's pocket.

Huh?

Yeah, the pocket of a man called Red Delaney.

He's the one that stole it.

They took me in to see the lineup, oh!

'Course, they didn't really need me to recognize him

because they knew who he was already.

It was a lot like in Mannix,

only the cops wasn't as good-looking.

Where are you going now, Ma?

Oh, I forgot to do the shopping,

I was so excited.

It'll just take me 15 minutes.

I'll tell you all about it later.

Okay, Ma.

Oh, Gloria!

Hi, Ma.

Oh, Gloria, ain't it wonderful?

What's wonderful, Michael?

Gloria, what is wonderful

is that we have the house

all to ourselves for 15 minutes.

Let's celebrate.

Wait a minute, Michael. wait a minute.

What are we celebrating?

They found Ma's locket.

Oh, fantastic.

Okay, let's celebrate.

Good.

[DOOR OPENING]

Oh, look at this.

Adam and Eve nipping at the forbidden fruit again.

Supposed to do that behind closed doors, you know.

It was closed until you opened it.

All right, fellas, bring it right in.

Right this way, here we go.

GLORIA: Daddy, what's going on?

I am taking delivery on a new TV set.

Put it right over there by the wall, fellas.

Feast your eyes on 24 inches of living color.

Right over there by the plug, boys.

And hook it up fast, huh?

Because in about 10 minutes

I think a ball game is coming on.

Daddy, there's something I hate to tell--

Let me enjoy myself.

You know, there's about three great moments in a man's life.

When he buys a house and a car and a new color TV.

That's what America's all about.

Look, Arch, you better listen.

Leave me alone.

There you go, Mr. Bunker. All set.

Will you sign here, please?

Oh, yeah.

Just show me where to put my John Handcrock, here.

There. There you go.

And right here, I got your check for you.

Thanks.

You know this was an extra delivery.

We squeezed you in as sort of a favor,

know what I mean?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure.

Daddy.

I'm busy, little girl.

Uh, here's a half a buck. Take care of your buddy.

Look at this, Angelo.

A whole half a buck.

Why don't you tell him what he can do with it?

I'd rather see him do it with the TV set.

Oh, look at this.

Ain't that a little beauty there?

Let me tell you something.

I saved myself 120 bucks

buying that right off of the floor.

Daddy, they found Ma's locket.

What?

That's what we've been trying to tell you.

What do you mean they found Mom's locket?

Arch, you can't accept the insurance check

to pay for this.

I got to accept the insurance check

to cover the check I just gave them two guys.

Daddy, you better get that check back

or it's going to bounce.

Oh, holy jeez.

Hurry up. Get them!

Hey, fellas! Hey, fellas!

There goes the truck.

Sure, that's delivery men.

They're always slow coming

and fast leaving.

Let me call the bank.

Maybe I can put a stopper on the check.

Arch, you can't do that.

You already accepted delivery on the TV.

You can get in trouble for that.

That's right. Now what am I gonna do?

Get away from me, will you?

Let me think.

Wait a minute, wait-- Where's your mother?

Well, she's out for a few minutes.

Listen, if Joe Peterson gets here with the check

before your mother comes back,

I don't have to tell him your mother got the locket back.

Yeah, but she did.

But she didn't tell me that.

Well, so what? We told you.

You!

You told me you was going to support my daughter.

Why the hell should I believe anything you say?

Now, I'll handle this, see.

Gloria, Gloria, come on now. Come on.

Be a good little girl.

Do Daddy a favor, huh?

Here, get your coat and put it on.

Now go out in the street

and run up and down there, see.

When you see your mother, just head her off.

Daddy, you won't let Ma in her own house

because you know she won't lie for you.

I don't want her to lie for me.

I just want her to stay away

and keep her mouth shut for me.

Arch, it's the same thing.

It ain't the same thing, Meathead!

It's like the all-American horse trading, see.

A guy goes in to buy a horse.

He don't ask if it's blind in one eye

and the owner don't tell him.

See, that ain't lying, that's business.

That's right, Arch, that's business,

and it starts right at the top

with our own government feeding us lies.

If your government tells you a lie,

it's for your own good.

Like what I'm doing here is for your own good.

Leave me alone.

Go on, do what I told you to do, huh?

I got to call Joe Peterson.

Daddy, what do you mean, "for our own good"?

Was the ITT scandal for our own good?

And what about the bugging of the Democratic headquarters?

I'm worrying about saving a TV,

and they're screaming at me about a little bugging.

A little bugging?

Arch, that's an invasion of privacy,

a right guaranteed us by the Constitution.

People have fought and died for that.

Come on, Arch, you should understand that.

You, of all people.

Why'd you go out and fight the Nazis?

I was drafted.

Now will you get out of here and do what I tell you, huh?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

No, wait a minute, wait a minute.

There's the bell.

That could be Peterson at the door.

I don't want you talking to him.

Go on out the back way.

No, no, Arch, we're going out the front way

and we're going to keep going.

We don't want any part of this. Come on, Gloria.

Don't you say nothing there. Uh, Mr. Bunker?

No, no, he's right over here.

The good, old-fashioned American horse trader.

Come on, Gloria.

How do you do, sir?

I'm from Benjamin Franklin Mutual.

Uh, well, where's Joe Peterson?

Oh, I'm handling this claim myself.

Oh, I get it. You're the buddy, Wagner.

No, but Mr. Wagner works for me.

My name is Fairchild

and I'm here to talk to you about your claim.

Oh, well, you got the check?

Right here, Mr. Bunker.

Oh, well, Mr. Fairchild, as you can see,

I was just going out the door.

So why don't you slip me the check

and I can be on my way.

Well, not quite that fast, sir.

You see, I have a couple of questions to ask.

May I come in?

Yeah, well, Mr. Fairchild,

you know, I really-- I ain't got much time.

Well, this isn't going to take much time.

May I sit down?

You see, Mr. Fairchild,

I'm an awful quick answerer,

so couldn't we just have

a little give-and-take standing up here?

Well, actually, Mr. Bunker, you see,

it's your wife that I want to talk to.

There are just one or two points in this claim

that are a little fuzzy.

Yeah, Mr. Fairchild, but, uh,

if you think you're going to unfuzz them

by talking to my wife, you're wrong.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

A-ha! That may be Mrs. Bunker now.

No, no, my wife always got her own key.

Wait a minute.

It's one of the neighbors.

I'll only be two minutes.

Wait here.

Archie, they found my locket.

Shh! I know that, Edith.

Take a walk around the block, huh?

What for?

What for? I don't know.

Count the fire hydrants or something.

Why?

Ah, Mrs. Bunker?

Yeah.

Won't you come in?

Are you coming, Archie?

I'm Mr. Fairchild

from the Benjamin Franklin Insurance Company.

Oh, yeah. How do you do?

How do you do?

I'll just put these bags in the kitchen

and I'll be right with you.

Mr. Fairchild, sit down in the chair.

I want to tell you something about my wife.

Don't be asking her too many questions

because she's a very nervous person

around strangers, see.

Come, come, Mr. Bunker.

That locket wasn't stolen. It was lost.

It was stolen, Mr. Fairchild.

FAIRCHILD: Stolen?

Yeah.

Then in that case,

would you please give me a complete description

of the man who took it?

Oh, no, no.

She couldn't do that, Mr. Fairchild.

Oh, yeah, I can.

He was 5 feet, 6 inches tall,

brown hair, blue eyes, very thin,

and a fever blister on his lower lip.

Don't overdo it, huh?

You wouldn't happen to know his name too?

No, no, no, she don't know his name.

Oh, yeah.

Red Delaney.

Mr. Bunker, why didn't you tell this to Mr. Peterson?

Well, listen, I mean, I would have done that,

but it's awful hard to drag the truth out of my wife.

I don't know how you done it.

You must got a way with you, you know?

Would you just give me a few moments

to add these new facts to your claim

and I'll be right with you?

Yeah, you take all the time you want there.

Edith, come here a minute, will ya?

Come here. Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Why?

I ain't never seen you lie before.

Archie, I wasn't lying--

Shush. Shush.

He swallowed that baloney

hook, line, and sinker,

but after all, I'm your husband.

But, Archie, I wouldn't-- Edith, I don't care.

Just quit while you're ahead, huh?

FAIRCHILD: Now, Mrs. Bunker,

your claim seems to be in order,

so if you will just be kind enough

to sign this right there.

Sure. What is it?

Oh, it's just a simple statement

saying that your locket was stolen

and you know nothing of its whereabouts.

Just sign the statement, Edith,

and we get the check.

But I do know where the locket is.

Huh? Yeah.

No. Yeah.

No! Yeah.

The police have it.

Aw, jeez. The police?

Yeah, they're holding it for evidence

till after the trial.

The trial of Red Delaney?

Yeah, the trial of Red Delaney. "The trial of Red Delaney."

Oh, that sounds just like a movie, don't it, Archie?

Look, we got a new TV set!

Well, that is that.

I'm sure you must be very happy, Mrs. Bunker.

I know I am,

and the company will be delighted.

Oh, I just love happy endings,

don't you, Archie?

Now, you just call me anytime you want me,

and remember,

Benjamin Franklin is there when you need us.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, and thank you.

Archie,

can I ask you a question?

Of course you may, Edith.

Did you really think I was lying?

Oh, Edith.

I mean, with $300 waltzing out the door that way,

do you really think I give a damn?

But I told the truth, Archie.

That's always the best thing to do.

Aw, the best thing to do.

Let me ask you a question, Edith.

Sure.

How is it always when you do the best thing,

it turns out the worst?

Hurry up, Michael.

The documentary you wanted to see

is on in a few minutes.

Hold it, hold it, little girl.

Give me that remote control.

Documentary, my foot.

I'm 300 bucks in the hole over that television set.

We're going to watch what I want to watch,

which happens to be the fights.

Oh, Daddy.

There.

Now what's this?

It's supposed to be instant on, here.

See, is it plugged in there, Meathead?

Yeah.

Why don't it come on?

There, there.

Come on, get on there.

It's a brand-new set.

This thing's supposed to work perfect, here.

Did you ask them

if the remote control was working?

You don't ask questions like that

about a brand-new piece of equipment.

Arch, you bought a horse with a blind eye.

Yeah, Daddy, that's not lying.

That's business.

That's what America's all about.

♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah ♪

ANNOUNCER: All in the Family was recorded on tape

before a live audience.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0