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♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:09,340
♪ Songs that made
The Hit Parade ♪
3
00:00:09,342 --> 00:00:13,011
♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪
4
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:16,280
♪ Those were the days ♪
5
00:00:16,282 --> 00:00:20,284
♪ And you knewWhere you were then ♪
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00:00:20,286 --> 00:00:23,622
♪ Girls were girlsAnd men were men ♪
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00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:30,394
♪ Mister, we could use a manLike Herbert Hoover again ♪
8
00:00:30,396 --> 00:00:32,363
♪ Didn't needNo welfare state ♪
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00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:36,534
♪ Everybody pulledHis weight ♪
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♪ Gee, our old LaSalleRan great ♪
11
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♪ Those were the days ♪
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I can't now, Michael.
13
00:00:56,723 --> 00:01:00,458
I just finished my
nails. They're wet.
14
00:01:00,460 --> 00:01:01,660
You know, you have
15
00:01:01,662 --> 00:01:03,561
the worst timing
in the world.
16
00:01:03,563 --> 00:01:05,363
I mean, look at this.
17
00:01:05,365 --> 00:01:07,165
We have the whole house
to ourselves
18
00:01:07,167 --> 00:01:08,266
and you have wet nails.
19
00:01:10,435 --> 00:01:11,970
Michael,
you should have asked me
20
00:01:11,972 --> 00:01:14,139
just even five minutes ago.
21
00:01:14,141 --> 00:01:16,474
I did. I asked you
five minutes ago.
22
00:01:16,476 --> 00:01:18,476
You see that? You never
pay any attention to me.
23
00:01:18,478 --> 00:01:20,378
Oh, Michael, I do too.
24
00:01:20,380 --> 00:01:22,613
You do not. You do not.
I'll prove it to you.
25
00:01:22,615 --> 00:01:24,816
How many fingers
do I have up? Three.
26
00:01:24,818 --> 00:01:26,685
How many now?
Three.
27
00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:28,419
How many now?
Three.
28
00:01:28,421 --> 00:01:29,554
How many now?
Three.
29
00:01:29,556 --> 00:01:32,290
No! I have
four fingers up now.
30
00:01:32,292 --> 00:01:33,692
You don't have four.
You have three.
31
00:01:33,694 --> 00:01:34,893
Four.
Three.
32
00:01:34,895 --> 00:01:36,327
Four.
Three.
33
00:01:36,329 --> 00:01:38,296
Gloria, if I am wrong--
34
00:01:38,298 --> 00:01:40,331
If I am wrong,
will you pay me 5 dollars?
35
00:01:40,333 --> 00:01:41,566
Sure.
36
00:01:41,568 --> 00:01:43,735
All right, I'm wrong.
37
00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:45,103
Ah, you see that?
38
00:01:45,105 --> 00:01:46,604
You never pay
any attention to me.
39
00:01:46,606 --> 00:01:47,672
Michael.
40
00:01:51,711 --> 00:01:52,744
GLORIA:
Hi, Ma.
41
00:01:52,746 --> 00:01:53,845
MICHAEL:
Hi, Ma.
42
00:01:53,847 --> 00:01:55,880
Hello.
43
00:01:55,882 --> 00:01:58,116
Can I help you
with your package, Ma?
44
00:01:58,118 --> 00:01:59,884
Oh, yes, Mike, thanks.
45
00:02:04,724 --> 00:02:06,591
Ma, what's the matter?
Something wrong?
46
00:02:09,862 --> 00:02:12,263
Something's wrong with Ma,
Michael.
47
00:02:12,265 --> 00:02:14,398
I better go see
what's the matter.
48
00:02:16,501 --> 00:02:18,803
Uh, Ma?
49
00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:22,540
Wh-- Why don't you
sit down?
50
00:02:22,542 --> 00:02:24,776
Uh, would you like
a cup of coffee?
51
00:02:24,778 --> 00:02:26,144
I'll get it.
52
00:02:28,914 --> 00:02:30,815
Would you like to
tell me about it?
53
00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:32,083
No, no, Gloria,
54
00:02:32,085 --> 00:02:33,818
I can't tell
you about it.
55
00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:35,686
Come on, Ma.
No, no.
56
00:02:35,688 --> 00:02:37,856
I told you.
I can't tell you about it.
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00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:40,491
I can't tell nobody about it.
Never, never.
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00:02:40,493 --> 00:02:43,261
All right.
It's all right, Ma.
59
00:02:43,263 --> 00:02:45,130
You don't have to
tell me about it.
60
00:02:45,132 --> 00:02:46,731
I was arrested!
61
00:02:49,034 --> 00:02:50,802
You were arrested?
62
00:02:50,804 --> 00:02:52,103
For what?
63
00:02:52,105 --> 00:02:54,538
I told you, Gloria,
I can't tell you about it.
64
00:02:54,540 --> 00:02:57,142
I'm a shoplifter!
65
00:02:57,144 --> 00:03:00,211
You were arrested
for shoplifting?
66
00:03:00,213 --> 00:03:01,746
You were arrested
for shoplifting?
67
00:03:01,748 --> 00:03:03,848
Now everybody knows!
68
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:05,449
Gloria,
what's going on?
69
00:03:06,819 --> 00:03:08,619
Ma, it's all a big mistake,
isn't it?
70
00:03:08,621 --> 00:03:09,520
No, Gloria.
71
00:03:13,225 --> 00:03:17,195
I'm sorry, but I think
there's something wrong with me.
72
00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:20,564
Yeah. I've started
taking things.
73
00:03:20,566 --> 00:03:23,768
I think I'm one of them people
that, you know,
74
00:03:23,770 --> 00:03:24,903
can't help taking things.
75
00:03:24,905 --> 00:03:27,338
Ma, Ma, you're not
a kleptomaniac.
76
00:03:27,340 --> 00:03:28,539
That's the word.
77
00:03:28,541 --> 00:03:30,241
You're not that.
78
00:03:30,243 --> 00:03:33,411
Yeah, it's come down to me
from my Aunt Gertrude.
79
00:03:33,413 --> 00:03:39,184
She was... She was one
of them kleppers too.
80
00:03:39,186 --> 00:03:42,586
Ma, you don't
inherit kleptomania.
81
00:03:42,588 --> 00:03:44,689
Oh, she was a lovely person,
82
00:03:44,691 --> 00:03:47,758
but she couldn't help
taking things.
83
00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:50,228
Yeah, it was so sad.
84
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:54,132
I remember once,
after she left our house,
85
00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:55,867
we couldn't eat a thing.
86
00:03:55,869 --> 00:03:57,501
She made you feel
that bad, huh?
87
00:03:57,503 --> 00:04:01,072
No. She took
all the knives and forks.
88
00:04:02,942 --> 00:04:05,009
Ma... Listen, Ma.
Listen.
89
00:04:05,011 --> 00:04:06,311
Just because
90
00:04:06,313 --> 00:04:07,879
your Aunt Gertrude
stole things
91
00:04:07,881 --> 00:04:09,280
doesn't mean
that you will.
92
00:04:09,282 --> 00:04:12,083
Oh, yeah,
that sort of thing
93
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:13,651
runs in the family, Gloria,
94
00:04:13,653 --> 00:04:15,954
and I dreamed
about Aunt Gertrude
95
00:04:15,956 --> 00:04:17,655
just the other night.
96
00:04:17,657 --> 00:04:20,424
Oh, I could see her clear as day
in my dream.
97
00:04:20,426 --> 00:04:22,393
She was sneaking
out of the house
98
00:04:22,395 --> 00:04:25,864
with my mother's sewing machine.
99
00:04:25,866 --> 00:04:29,000
She was riding it
like a bicycle.
100
00:04:29,002 --> 00:04:31,535
Look, Ma, why don't you
just sit down over here
101
00:04:31,537 --> 00:04:33,037
and tell us what happened,
all right?
102
00:04:33,039 --> 00:04:34,672
Don't tell Archie
nothing about this, please.
103
00:04:34,674 --> 00:04:36,307
Don't worry
about it.
104
00:04:36,309 --> 00:04:37,909
Don't.
We won't.
105
00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:39,344
Hello, everybody!
106
00:04:39,346 --> 00:04:40,945
Hello and whoop-dee-do!
107
00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:43,314
Hi, Daddy.
108
00:04:43,316 --> 00:04:45,950
Hold it. hold it. Before you say
another word to me, stand back.
109
00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:48,619
You are looking
at a cham-peen bowler here.
110
00:04:48,621 --> 00:04:51,422
Edith, the greatest
Saturday afternoon of my life
111
00:04:51,424 --> 00:04:53,424
down in the alley.
Oh, the pins were flying.
112
00:04:53,426 --> 00:04:54,759
Every time
I took the ball,
113
00:04:54,761 --> 00:04:56,094
come up to
the line there,
114
00:04:56,096 --> 00:04:58,129
some guys in the back
were yelling "timber."
115
00:04:58,131 --> 00:04:59,430
Why? Because I bowled,
116
00:04:59,432 --> 00:05:01,432
for the first time
in my life, a 227 game.
117
00:05:01,434 --> 00:05:03,034
What do you got
to say to that?
118
00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:04,702
I was arrested.
119
00:05:16,315 --> 00:05:17,315
Huh?
120
00:05:19,451 --> 00:05:21,286
I was arrested.
121
00:05:22,454 --> 00:05:23,988
You was arrested... for what?
122
00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:28,293
Oh... if I told you,
you'd just get mad.
123
00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:29,460
I ain't gonna get--!
124
00:05:32,731 --> 00:05:35,366
I ain't gonna get mad.
125
00:05:35,368 --> 00:05:37,068
Tell me what
you was arrested for.
126
00:05:37,070 --> 00:05:39,703
I don't know where to start.
127
00:05:39,705 --> 00:05:42,473
At the beginning,
Edith.
128
00:05:42,475 --> 00:05:44,142
Well, all right.
129
00:05:44,144 --> 00:05:48,679
This morning, after I finished
sorting the laundry upstairs
130
00:05:48,681 --> 00:05:51,983
I came downstairs
to do the breakfast dishes
131
00:05:51,985 --> 00:05:55,519
and then I decided...
to go to Willington's
132
00:05:55,521 --> 00:05:56,955
and buy you
some shirts,
133
00:05:56,957 --> 00:05:58,456
All right, hold it, hold it.
134
00:05:58,458 --> 00:06:00,124
Forget the beginning.
135
00:06:00,126 --> 00:06:01,125
Just start at the end.
136
00:06:04,729 --> 00:06:06,331
I was arrested.
137
00:06:10,535 --> 00:06:13,304
Edith, you know, uh, uh,
I got the idea
138
00:06:13,306 --> 00:06:15,840
that you're in some kind
of goofy trouble or something.
139
00:06:15,842 --> 00:06:16,907
Now, how did it start?
140
00:06:16,909 --> 00:06:18,676
Well, the trouble started
141
00:06:18,678 --> 00:06:22,613
because our old apartment
is on Union Street.
142
00:06:22,615 --> 00:06:25,950
You remember the apartment
that got so hot in the summer
143
00:06:25,952 --> 00:06:30,355
and Arthur had to sleep
out on the fire escape?
144
00:06:30,357 --> 00:06:33,657
Arthur was our cat.
145
00:06:33,659 --> 00:06:36,560
You didn't like
Arthur the cat very well,
146
00:06:36,562 --> 00:06:37,728
did you, Archie?
147
00:06:37,730 --> 00:06:42,400
I hated his fish-eating guts.
148
00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:43,901
Get on with the story.
149
00:06:43,903 --> 00:06:45,636
Well,
150
00:06:45,638 --> 00:06:49,340
the number 44 bus route
don't go to Bayside
151
00:06:49,342 --> 00:06:51,275
but I told the old lady it did.
152
00:06:55,047 --> 00:06:57,748
You told, uh, uh... Who? Who?
153
00:06:57,750 --> 00:07:01,152
The little old lady
in Willington's department store
154
00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:02,887
who wanted to go to Bayside.
155
00:07:02,889 --> 00:07:05,289
I told her to take
the number 44.
156
00:07:06,225 --> 00:07:07,691
Wait a minute.
157
00:07:07,693 --> 00:07:09,693
You told an old lady
something wrong,
158
00:07:09,695 --> 00:07:11,396
but that ain't no crime.
159
00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:12,830
What did they arrest you for?
160
00:07:12,832 --> 00:07:14,798
Because I was wearing the wig.
161
00:07:16,801 --> 00:07:18,669
Just a minute.
Sit down in the chair here.
162
00:07:18,671 --> 00:07:20,638
Daddy, Ma's very upset,
so go easy.
163
00:07:20,640 --> 00:07:22,240
Get away
from me, both--
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00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:23,908
Don't tell me
how to go nothing.
165
00:07:23,910 --> 00:07:26,511
Shut up, the two of youse.
Sit down over here.
166
00:07:26,513 --> 00:07:28,913
Just sit down quiet.
167
00:07:28,915 --> 00:07:31,149
I'll handle it.
168
00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:34,385
Once again, I got to
straighten out conditions
169
00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:35,886
here in Nutsville.
170
00:07:41,626 --> 00:07:44,128
Edith, let me explain
something to you, huh?
171
00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:46,630
You ain't got no wig.
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00:07:46,632 --> 00:07:50,568
I know, but I was trying one on
down at Willington's,
173
00:07:50,570 --> 00:07:53,737
and I was still wearing it
when I ran out of the store
174
00:07:53,739 --> 00:07:55,173
after the little old lady
175
00:07:55,175 --> 00:07:57,608
to tell her
I told her the wrong bus,
176
00:07:57,610 --> 00:07:59,310
and that's when they--
Arrested you
177
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:01,546
for shoplifting.
Holy cow!
178
00:08:06,051 --> 00:08:07,885
Did they call
the cops on you?
179
00:08:07,887 --> 00:08:10,020
No. No, they---
180
00:08:10,022 --> 00:08:13,891
They said I could never
come in the store again,
181
00:08:13,893 --> 00:08:16,394
and then they made me
sign a form
182
00:08:16,396 --> 00:08:18,062
and they took my picture.
183
00:08:18,064 --> 00:08:20,231
Oh, Jesus.
184
00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:21,732
Ma, that means you're
on the blacklist.
185
00:08:21,734 --> 00:08:22,900
Oh, jeez,
a blacklist now.
186
00:08:22,902 --> 00:08:24,435
What blacklist?
187
00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:27,071
The ones that the stores
pass around to each other.
188
00:08:27,073 --> 00:08:28,772
They pass them
all around, everywhere.
189
00:08:28,774 --> 00:08:31,209
They feed those things
into computers.
190
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:32,410
Into computers.
191
00:08:32,412 --> 00:08:33,411
And once that happens,
192
00:08:33,413 --> 00:08:34,479
your credit rating
is zilch.
193
00:08:34,481 --> 00:08:35,913
All because of this--
194
00:08:35,915 --> 00:08:37,915
What do you mean,
"credit rating zilch"?
195
00:08:37,917 --> 00:08:39,517
I ain't gonna let
no store do that
196
00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:41,419
over one little mistake
like this here.
197
00:08:41,421 --> 00:08:44,888
I know how to handle them
stores... believe me.
198
00:08:44,890 --> 00:08:48,159
Now, that store is gonna
make an apology to you
199
00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:49,594
first thing
Monday morning.
200
00:08:49,596 --> 00:08:51,496
I'm gonna send you
down there to get it.
201
00:08:55,934 --> 00:08:58,302
Oh, Archie, I can't do that.
202
00:08:58,304 --> 00:09:00,938
They won't let me in the store.
203
00:09:00,940 --> 00:09:03,508
And everybody knows
I'm a klep-a-maniac.
204
00:09:03,510 --> 00:09:04,375
Ah...
205
00:09:05,477 --> 00:09:08,712
I'll never go shopping again.
206
00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:10,548
Stop crying, will you?
207
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,816
What are you
making her crying for?
208
00:09:12,818 --> 00:09:14,118
Let me handle this.
209
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:15,986
The two of youse
get out of here.
210
00:09:15,988 --> 00:09:17,622
I want to talk
to her alone.
211
00:09:17,624 --> 00:09:19,323
All right, Michael,
let's make some coffee.
212
00:09:19,325 --> 00:09:20,891
Daddy, be nice.
213
00:09:20,893 --> 00:09:22,693
Leave me alone.
214
00:09:22,695 --> 00:09:24,662
Oh, Edith, come on,
come on, will you?
215
00:09:24,664 --> 00:09:26,197
Stop slobbering there.
216
00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:27,365
I'm sorry.
217
00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:30,401
Jeez, that ain't
gonna help nothing.
218
00:09:30,403 --> 00:09:32,236
Oh... Oh, Edith,
219
00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:33,771
Edith, Edith,
listen, listen.
220
00:09:33,773 --> 00:09:37,375
It ain't your fault.
It ain't your fault.
221
00:09:37,377 --> 00:09:39,877
It's the world, Edith.
222
00:09:39,879 --> 00:09:41,612
What do you mean?
223
00:09:41,614 --> 00:09:43,981
I mean, Edith,
that the world...
224
00:09:43,983 --> 00:09:47,885
just ain't
ready for you.
225
00:09:47,887 --> 00:09:50,621
I don't understand.
226
00:09:50,623 --> 00:09:53,524
Well, what I'm trying
to say is that I know
227
00:09:53,526 --> 00:09:55,726
that you ain't never hurt
nobody in your whole life.
228
00:09:55,728 --> 00:09:57,261
You never told
a lie to nobody
229
00:09:57,263 --> 00:09:58,429
and I know damn well
230
00:09:58,431 --> 00:09:59,863
you never stole
nothing from nobody.
231
00:09:59,865 --> 00:10:03,767
Do you really think so, Archie?
232
00:10:03,769 --> 00:10:06,504
Oh, certainly, Edith, certainly.
233
00:10:06,506 --> 00:10:08,439
The only thing
anybody could ever pin on you,
234
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:10,441
and so far as I know,
it ain't no crime,
235
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:11,609
is being a dingbat.
236
00:10:15,480 --> 00:10:20,184
Oh, thank you, Archie.
237
00:10:20,186 --> 00:10:21,819
Oh, all right, Edith.
238
00:10:21,821 --> 00:10:22,986
You want to thank me,
239
00:10:22,988 --> 00:10:24,988
just go and get some
of that coffee for me.
240
00:10:24,990 --> 00:10:26,924
All right, Archie,
right away.
241
00:10:26,926 --> 00:10:28,693
Oh, my, I feel like
242
00:10:28,695 --> 00:10:32,196
a weight's been lifted
from my shoulders.
243
00:10:32,198 --> 00:10:33,231
Ain't it silly
244
00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:36,834
how we let things
bother us?
245
00:10:36,836 --> 00:10:40,338
Oh, I'll take that cup
of coffee for Archie.
246
00:10:40,340 --> 00:10:41,372
You look brighter, Ma.
247
00:10:41,374 --> 00:10:43,441
Oh, yeah. I feel
much better now.
248
00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:46,143
Archie knows how
to talk to me.
249
00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:49,280
Oh, Ma, you look prettier
when you're smiling,
250
00:10:49,282 --> 00:10:50,748
and that's a pretty
necklace, too.
251
00:10:50,750 --> 00:10:55,253
Thanks. Here, Archie.
Here's your coffee.
252
00:10:55,255 --> 00:10:56,454
What necklace?
253
00:11:02,628 --> 00:11:04,362
Oh, my.
254
00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:05,763
GLORIA: What's
the matter, Ma?
255
00:11:05,765 --> 00:11:11,802
Oh, I-- I tried it on to see
how it looked with the wig,
256
00:11:11,804 --> 00:11:14,505
but I never paid for it!
257
00:11:15,840 --> 00:11:18,108
I am a klepper!
258
00:11:18,110 --> 00:11:20,411
[WAILING]
259
00:11:26,452 --> 00:11:28,453
Ma, come down
and have your breakfast.
260
00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:30,354
You really should eat something.
261
00:11:30,356 --> 00:11:32,389
EDITH:
All right, Gloria.
262
00:11:32,391 --> 00:11:34,725
Michael,
I'm really worried about Ma.
263
00:11:34,727 --> 00:11:36,561
She's been moping
around all weekend.
264
00:11:36,563 --> 00:11:38,162
You know, I've been thinking
about it, Gloria,
265
00:11:38,164 --> 00:11:40,631
and I think we ought to talk Ma
into seeing a psychiatrist.
266
00:11:40,633 --> 00:11:42,967
A psychiatrist?
267
00:11:42,969 --> 00:11:46,136
Oh, no, Mike.
I can't go to one of them.
268
00:11:46,138 --> 00:11:48,973
Besides, I'm going
someplace else.
269
00:11:48,975 --> 00:11:51,208
Ma, why don't you let us
make an appointment for you?
270
00:11:51,210 --> 00:11:52,977
A psychiatrist would
make you feel better.
271
00:11:52,979 --> 00:11:54,445
No. No, Gloria.
272
00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:57,815
I won't have time, anyway.
I'm going someplace else.
273
00:11:57,817 --> 00:11:58,850
MIKE:
Where?
274
00:11:58,852 --> 00:11:59,851
Somewhere.
275
00:11:59,853 --> 00:12:01,552
Hey! Who is the person
276
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:03,588
that put the last roll
of toilet paper
277
00:12:03,590 --> 00:12:04,755
on the spool up there?
278
00:12:07,359 --> 00:12:08,693
I was. Why?
279
00:12:08,695 --> 00:12:10,761
I might've knew that.
280
00:12:10,763 --> 00:12:12,630
How many times
I got to tell you?
281
00:12:12,632 --> 00:12:15,399
The paper goes in
over the spool, not under.
282
00:12:18,604 --> 00:12:20,004
Who cares?
283
00:12:20,006 --> 00:12:21,739
I want to talk to
you about something.
284
00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:23,875
Come on! I got to eat
and go to work.
285
00:12:23,877 --> 00:12:25,810
Come on, will you?
Just one second.
286
00:12:25,812 --> 00:12:28,412
I think Ma ought to go
see a psychiatrist.
287
00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:30,147
No dice to no psychiatrist!
288
00:12:30,149 --> 00:12:31,181
Why not?
289
00:12:31,183 --> 00:12:32,517
Anybody goes to see
a psychiatrist
290
00:12:32,519 --> 00:12:33,818
ought to have
his head examined.
291
00:12:35,286 --> 00:12:36,787
All right, Daddy,
292
00:12:36,789 --> 00:12:38,355
have you got
a better suggestion?
293
00:12:38,357 --> 00:12:39,590
After work today,
294
00:12:39,592 --> 00:12:41,158
I'm going down
to that Willington store.
295
00:12:41,160 --> 00:12:42,660
I'm gonna see
that manager myself
296
00:12:42,662 --> 00:12:44,695
and I am gonna
put the fix in.
297
00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:46,296
Now, look at the time.
You're keeping me.
298
00:12:46,298 --> 00:12:47,698
I'm gonna be
late for work.
299
00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:49,099
Will you get
my lunch box, huh?
300
00:12:49,101 --> 00:12:50,902
To top it off, the
radio says rain today.
301
00:12:50,904 --> 00:12:52,269
Get away from me.
302
00:12:52,271 --> 00:12:54,104
You know what that
does to the subway?
303
00:12:54,106 --> 00:12:55,907
It makes the damn thing
like a Turkish bath.
304
00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:57,708
You better take
your rubbers too.
305
00:12:57,710 --> 00:12:59,010
I don't want
no rubbers.
306
00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:00,578
Every time
I pull them off
307
00:13:00,580 --> 00:13:02,847
my shoes come
off with them.
308
00:13:02,849 --> 00:13:05,115
Give me that.
309
00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:07,685
Oh...
310
00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:09,654
Oh, well, now, I ain't
gonna carry that, Edith.
311
00:13:09,656 --> 00:13:12,657
The guys at the loading dock
see me walking in with that,
312
00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:16,126
they'd think I turned
into an English fruit.
313
00:13:16,128 --> 00:13:18,262
It's Louise Jefferson's.
314
00:13:18,264 --> 00:13:19,931
I don't care if
it's Mary Poppins'.
315
00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:21,966
Let me out of here.
316
00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:23,367
GLORIA: You have
a nice day, Daddy.
317
00:13:23,369 --> 00:13:24,635
How the hell can I?
318
00:13:26,772 --> 00:13:28,539
Oh, dear.
319
00:13:28,541 --> 00:13:30,575
Ma, what's with
the umbrella?
320
00:13:30,577 --> 00:13:33,477
Well, I borrowed it
from Louise a week ago,
321
00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:36,313
and yesterday
she asked for it back
322
00:13:36,315 --> 00:13:38,182
and I told her
I didn't have it.
323
00:13:38,184 --> 00:13:41,118
I told her
I already gave it back to her.
324
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:43,120
Well, that's an easy
mistake to make.
325
00:13:43,122 --> 00:13:49,093
But, Gloria, suppose I didn't
give it back on purpose.
326
00:13:49,095 --> 00:13:51,596
Ma, look how you're
torturing yourself.
327
00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:55,032
Yeah. I got to go see somebody.
328
00:13:55,034 --> 00:13:56,033
That's right.
329
00:13:56,035 --> 00:13:57,367
Now forget
what Archie says.
330
00:13:57,369 --> 00:13:59,103
You got to go see
a psychiatrist
331
00:13:59,105 --> 00:14:00,905
and I think you
ought to do it today.
332
00:14:00,907 --> 00:14:03,507
It was my son-in-law's idea
333
00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:05,643
that I should see
a psychiatrist.
334
00:14:05,645 --> 00:14:08,345
He said I should talk
to somebody professional
335
00:14:08,347 --> 00:14:09,814
and he's right.
336
00:14:09,816 --> 00:14:12,116
That's why I came to see you.
337
00:14:12,118 --> 00:14:13,250
Well, I'm very
flattered, but...
338
00:14:13,252 --> 00:14:14,952
why me?
339
00:14:16,354 --> 00:14:19,657
Father,
you don't mind
340
00:14:19,659 --> 00:14:21,558
if I ain't Catholic,
do you?
341
00:14:21,560 --> 00:14:22,559
No, no, no, no, no.
342
00:14:22,561 --> 00:14:23,828
I have a sinking
feeling
343
00:14:23,830 --> 00:14:25,262
a lot of my
congregation isn't.
344
00:14:30,769 --> 00:14:31,936
Really?
345
00:14:31,938 --> 00:14:34,705
No, no. Protestant ministers
say that too.
346
00:14:34,707 --> 00:14:36,707
It's a religious joke. Ugh.
347
00:14:38,409 --> 00:14:40,044
Oh, yeah.
348
00:14:43,815 --> 00:14:45,850
I thought of going
to our pastor,
349
00:14:45,852 --> 00:14:47,351
the Reverend Felcher,
350
00:14:47,353 --> 00:14:49,353
but I was too ashamed,
351
00:14:49,355 --> 00:14:51,122
and I heard in your church
352
00:14:51,124 --> 00:14:52,890
you don't talk about nothing.
353
00:14:52,892 --> 00:14:54,424
No?
354
00:14:56,628 --> 00:14:59,063
I mean about nothing
you're told.
355
00:14:59,065 --> 00:15:01,265
Oh, oh. The secrets
of confession.
356
00:15:01,267 --> 00:15:03,500
Yes, that's the hardest
part of the job for me.
357
00:15:03,502 --> 00:15:06,503
I'm a born gossip.
358
00:15:06,505 --> 00:15:09,473
Don't worry. We never talk.
359
00:15:09,475 --> 00:15:12,309
Now, let's get back
to our discussion, Mrs. Bunker.
360
00:15:12,311 --> 00:15:13,644
Well, I remembered
361
00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:17,381
how nice you was to us
when I dented your car
362
00:15:17,383 --> 00:15:20,951
with a can of cling peaches
in heavy syrup.
363
00:15:20,953 --> 00:15:23,253
Remember,
it was at Ferguson's market?
364
00:15:23,255 --> 00:15:26,090
They were having a special on--
365
00:15:26,092 --> 00:15:27,591
Oh, why'd you stop?
366
00:15:27,593 --> 00:15:31,428
That's where
Archie usually says "stifle."
367
00:15:31,430 --> 00:15:34,732
Ah, yes, your husband, Archie.
368
00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:36,767
You know, Mrs. Bunker,
all things considered
369
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:40,104
you're a remarkably
cheerful woman.
370
00:15:41,439 --> 00:15:44,608
Well, I ain't so cheerful
no more, Father.
371
00:15:44,610 --> 00:15:47,111
That's why I need your help.
372
00:15:47,113 --> 00:15:50,547
I don't want
to be a klep-a-maniac.
373
00:15:50,549 --> 00:15:51,782
Well, now, I'm sure
you aren't.
374
00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:52,950
If you were
a kleptomaniac,
375
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:55,652
you wouldn't be as upset
as you are about it.
376
00:15:55,654 --> 00:15:58,522
But what about
the Eighth Commandment?
377
00:15:58,524 --> 00:16:00,758
Oh, um... uh...
378
00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:02,793
Uh...
379
00:16:04,730 --> 00:16:06,563
"Thou shalt not steal."
380
00:16:06,565 --> 00:16:07,664
Oh! Oh!
381
00:16:14,572 --> 00:16:16,073
I'm sure, I'm sure, Mrs. Bunker,
382
00:16:16,075 --> 00:16:17,742
that you exaggerate
when you say "stole."
383
00:16:17,744 --> 00:16:19,676
Now, now, you really
don't believe that, do you?
384
00:16:19,678 --> 00:16:23,114
Oh, I don't know
what to believe no more,
385
00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:26,450
and, uh, I think
I broke number 10 too.
386
00:16:26,452 --> 00:16:27,718
Oh, number 10, huh?
387
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:29,486
Hmm. How'd you do that?
388
00:16:29,488 --> 00:16:32,189
I coveted
my neighbor's umbrella.
389
00:16:36,494 --> 00:16:40,697
Father, can you tell me
why I'm doing these things?
390
00:16:40,699 --> 00:16:42,733
Well, of course
I'm not a psychiatrist,
391
00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:45,335
but I do know that kleptomania
isn't really criminal.
392
00:16:45,337 --> 00:16:47,938
It's more of an emotional upset.
393
00:16:47,940 --> 00:16:50,107
Now, uh... perhaps
you're dissatisfied
394
00:16:50,109 --> 00:16:51,642
with your life.
395
00:16:51,644 --> 00:16:52,743
Oh, no.
396
00:16:52,745 --> 00:16:54,311
You ever wish you
were somebody else?
397
00:16:54,313 --> 00:16:55,712
No,
398
00:16:55,714 --> 00:16:57,314
but when I was a little girl
399
00:16:57,316 --> 00:17:00,317
I used to pretend
to be somebody else.
400
00:17:00,319 --> 00:17:01,518
Oh, yeah? Who?
401
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:04,388
Deanna Durbin.
402
00:17:04,390 --> 00:17:05,856
♪ Da-ta-ta ♪
403
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:09,459
♪ Da-da-da ♪
404
00:17:09,461 --> 00:17:11,162
BOTH:
♪ Da ♪
405
00:17:14,599 --> 00:17:17,567
My mother used to think
I was crazy,
406
00:17:17,569 --> 00:17:19,103
daydreaming that way.
407
00:17:19,105 --> 00:17:21,272
There's nothing crazy
about daydreaming.
408
00:17:21,274 --> 00:17:22,572
I do it all the time.
409
00:17:22,574 --> 00:17:24,675
Priests daydream?
410
00:17:24,677 --> 00:17:26,076
Oh, sure, sure.
411
00:17:26,078 --> 00:17:29,079
Some of us dream
of being bishops and cardinals.
412
00:17:29,081 --> 00:17:31,715
Cardinals dream of being pope.
413
00:17:31,717 --> 00:17:33,550
What do you dream about?
414
00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:35,152
I dream about retiring.
415
00:17:37,722 --> 00:17:39,256
You still think
about being other people?
416
00:17:39,258 --> 00:17:41,158
Oh, no. No.
417
00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:45,329
I just think about other people
doing the same things I'm doing.
418
00:17:45,331 --> 00:17:48,098
Like, when I'm brushing my teeth
419
00:17:48,100 --> 00:17:51,235
I stop and think
about Elizabeth Taylor
420
00:17:51,237 --> 00:17:53,804
or the Queen of England
421
00:17:53,806 --> 00:17:58,075
brushing their teeth
at the very same time.
422
00:17:58,077 --> 00:17:59,376
Well, everybody does it.
423
00:17:59,378 --> 00:18:03,147
If they've got teeth.
424
00:18:03,149 --> 00:18:06,350
You know, I can think
of Elizabeth Taylor
425
00:18:06,352 --> 00:18:08,085
brushing her teeth,
426
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:12,289
but I can never think
of her spitting it out.
427
00:18:19,664 --> 00:18:21,698
Well, Mrs. Bunker,
you seem very relaxed now.
428
00:18:21,700 --> 00:18:22,733
Oh, yeah.
429
00:18:22,735 --> 00:18:24,101
Well, suppose, then, we go on
430
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:26,703
with that--
That story of yours.
431
00:18:26,705 --> 00:18:28,538
Now, uh, now,
you think, uh,
432
00:18:28,540 --> 00:18:30,174
you think very
hard this time.
433
00:18:30,176 --> 00:18:33,810
Now, the little old lady
wanted to go to Bayside.
434
00:18:33,812 --> 00:18:34,945
Yeah.
435
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:38,015
That's what I heard
her tell the floorwalker
436
00:18:38,017 --> 00:18:39,483
and I thought
I knew...
437
00:18:39,485 --> 00:18:41,151
Now, now,
now, now,
438
00:18:41,153 --> 00:18:42,152
The floorwalker?
439
00:18:42,154 --> 00:18:44,154
Yeah, Mr. Masterson.
440
00:18:44,156 --> 00:18:45,822
So I went over
441
00:18:45,824 --> 00:18:48,492
and I told her to take
the number 44--
442
00:18:48,494 --> 00:18:50,527
Now, Mr. Masterson
was there?
443
00:18:50,529 --> 00:18:53,764
Yeah. He's been with
Willington's for years.
444
00:18:53,766 --> 00:18:55,465
And then she said,
"Thank you very much."
445
00:18:55,467 --> 00:18:57,834
Mr. Masterson's a witness.
446
00:18:57,836 --> 00:19:01,005
No, he's a floorwalker.
447
00:19:01,007 --> 00:19:04,474
And then I went back
to trying on the wig--
448
00:19:04,476 --> 00:19:05,509
Now, Mrs., Mrs.--
449
00:19:05,511 --> 00:19:08,045
Wait. Father,
I ain't finished yet.
450
00:19:08,047 --> 00:19:10,447
I was looking in the mirror,
451
00:19:10,449 --> 00:19:12,917
and I was thinking
about the bus,
452
00:19:12,919 --> 00:19:16,653
and I saw myself
looking puzzled,
453
00:19:16,655 --> 00:19:20,824
and I ran out in the street
after...
454
00:19:25,696 --> 00:19:29,133
I didn't take the wig
on purpose.
455
00:19:29,135 --> 00:19:30,367
Well, of course you didn't,
456
00:19:30,369 --> 00:19:31,768
and Mr. Masterson
knows that too.
457
00:19:31,770 --> 00:19:35,806
That's right!
I forgot about him.
458
00:19:35,808 --> 00:19:37,408
Of course,
and the shock of being arrested
459
00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:38,875
drove him
right out of your mind.
460
00:19:38,877 --> 00:19:42,712
But he's in here now.
461
00:19:42,714 --> 00:19:47,217
He saw me talking
to the little old lady.
462
00:19:47,219 --> 00:19:52,256
He knows why I ran
out of the store after her.
463
00:19:52,258 --> 00:19:57,428
He knows I didn't steal the wig.
464
00:19:57,430 --> 00:20:00,897
I ain't a klepper!
465
00:20:00,899 --> 00:20:03,233
Oh, Father!
466
00:20:13,378 --> 00:20:15,946
What I mean, Mr. Kirkwood,
is that my wife Edith
467
00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:17,747
never stole nothing
in her whole life.
468
00:20:17,749 --> 00:20:20,117
I'm sure this whole thing
was some kind of mistake.
469
00:20:20,119 --> 00:20:24,188
Not according to the
store detective's report.
470
00:20:24,190 --> 00:20:25,722
I'm sorry, Mr. Bunker,
471
00:20:25,724 --> 00:20:27,891
but I'm afraid that's
what they all say
472
00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:28,993
once we catch them.
473
00:20:28,995 --> 00:20:30,494
"It was a mistake."
474
00:20:30,496 --> 00:20:32,863
Well, I-- I know
it looks bad for Edith
475
00:20:32,865 --> 00:20:35,565
but couldn't you kind of,
476
00:20:35,567 --> 00:20:38,402
you know, square it
for one of your own kind?
477
00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:39,970
You know
what I mean?
478
00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:43,807
I'm not, uh, not exactly sure
I get your drift, Mr. Bunker.
479
00:20:43,809 --> 00:20:46,610
What does that mean,
"one of your own kind"?
480
00:20:46,612 --> 00:20:51,781
Well, you know, people like us.
You, me, my wife and all.
481
00:20:51,783 --> 00:20:54,118
You know, we like to come
shopping here at Willington's.
482
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:56,286
We don't like to go
to them other places
483
00:20:56,288 --> 00:20:59,256
like Bloomingdale's, Klein's,
Abraham and Strauss.
484
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:01,091
You know that tribe?
485
00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:04,094
Oh, yeah. I'm beginning to see
what you mean.
486
00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:05,496
Sure you do.
487
00:21:05,498 --> 00:21:07,998
I mean, I knew by your face
and by your name, Kirkwood,
488
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,566
you'd see my point here.
489
00:21:09,568 --> 00:21:12,669
Now, listen, you want to keep
customers like us
490
00:21:12,671 --> 00:21:14,004
who enjoy coming here
491
00:21:14,006 --> 00:21:16,140
because they know
they get a fair shake here.
492
00:21:16,142 --> 00:21:17,607
I mean,
get the picture?
493
00:21:17,609 --> 00:21:19,709
Oh, oh, yeah, I do.
494
00:21:19,711 --> 00:21:22,179
I get it.
495
00:21:22,181 --> 00:21:26,116
Oh, uh, here's a picture
of my family, Mr. Bunker.
496
00:21:26,118 --> 00:21:29,319
There's my wife
and my daughter, Melanie.
497
00:21:31,089 --> 00:21:32,189
Nice-looking family.
498
00:21:32,191 --> 00:21:33,223
Thank you.
499
00:21:33,225 --> 00:21:35,759
My wife's first
name is Janet.
500
00:21:35,761 --> 00:21:37,227
That's a nice name
for a wife.
501
00:21:37,229 --> 00:21:41,831
Before we were married
her name was Janet Goldstein.
502
00:21:52,177 --> 00:21:53,577
Goldstein.
503
00:21:53,579 --> 00:21:56,547
Yeah. So why don't you
just take yourself
504
00:21:56,549 --> 00:21:58,248
and your anti-Semitism
505
00:21:58,250 --> 00:21:59,783
the hell out of here, huh?
506
00:21:59,785 --> 00:22:01,017
All right. All right.
507
00:22:01,019 --> 00:22:03,120
I'm gonna tell you
something else, Bunker.
508
00:22:03,122 --> 00:22:04,288
My wife Janet,
509
00:22:04,290 --> 00:22:06,123
she's got a word
for people like you.
510
00:22:06,125 --> 00:22:08,758
A word that describes
you perfectly.
511
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:10,327
You are a narrishekopf.
512
00:22:12,029 --> 00:22:15,232
What the hell is that?
A meathead.
513
00:22:24,175 --> 00:22:25,809
Oh, well.
514
00:22:25,811 --> 00:22:28,678
You never know who you're
talking to no more.
515
00:22:32,183 --> 00:22:36,587
Oh, thank you very much,
Mr. Kirkwood.
516
00:22:36,589 --> 00:22:38,122
Yeah, bye.
517
00:22:38,124 --> 00:22:40,790
That was Mr. Kirkwood,
the manager.
518
00:22:40,792 --> 00:22:42,993
Mr. Masterson
spoke to him
519
00:22:42,995 --> 00:22:44,961
and my name
is cleared.
520
00:22:44,963 --> 00:22:46,463
Oh, Ma,
that's wonderful.
521
00:22:46,465 --> 00:22:47,864
Great, Ma.
Great.
522
00:22:47,866 --> 00:22:51,468
He says I'm welcome
in the store anytime,
523
00:22:51,470 --> 00:22:53,537
but for some reason
524
00:22:53,539 --> 00:22:56,273
he said he didn't want
to see Archie down there.
525
00:22:59,344 --> 00:23:00,877
Archie!
526
00:23:00,879 --> 00:23:03,980
Hello!
527
00:23:03,982 --> 00:23:06,116
How was your day?
528
00:23:06,118 --> 00:23:07,618
Just like any other day, Edith.
529
00:23:07,620 --> 00:23:09,486
I don't want to talk about it.
530
00:23:10,988 --> 00:23:12,589
Tell you something else.
I was into Willington's,
531
00:23:12,591 --> 00:23:14,458
I seen that manager
and we're quits with him.
532
00:23:14,460 --> 00:23:15,659
You ought to be damn glad
533
00:23:15,661 --> 00:23:17,528
you don't have to shop
in there no more.
534
00:23:17,530 --> 00:23:19,630
But, Archie--
You want to do any shopping,
535
00:23:19,632 --> 00:23:21,465
there's millions of other places
you can go.
536
00:23:21,467 --> 00:23:25,001
Go to Klein's,
Abraham and Strauss, anything.
537
00:23:25,003 --> 00:23:27,871
Archie, he
cleared my name.
538
00:23:27,873 --> 00:23:30,307
I don't care...
539
00:23:30,309 --> 00:23:32,742
I'm off the blacklist.
540
00:23:36,414 --> 00:23:37,548
Well, maybe the guy
541
00:23:37,550 --> 00:23:40,484
thought twice
about what I told him.
542
00:23:40,486 --> 00:23:42,452
What did you
tell him, Arch?
543
00:23:42,454 --> 00:23:44,120
What do you care?
544
00:23:44,122 --> 00:23:45,989
Do you have to know everything?
545
00:23:45,991 --> 00:23:47,424
Take him away and feed him.
546
00:23:47,426 --> 00:23:48,292
Huh?
547
00:23:50,395 --> 00:23:52,062
Him and all his
psychiatrists.
548
00:23:52,064 --> 00:23:54,298
He'd have everybody
running to a psychiatrist.
549
00:23:54,300 --> 00:23:56,333
I bet you're glad
you didn't go there.
550
00:23:56,335 --> 00:23:59,436
Oh, yeah, Archie, I'm very glad.
551
00:23:59,438 --> 00:24:02,239
I want to tell you,
if youse all had listened to me
552
00:24:02,241 --> 00:24:04,474
a little bit more often
around here,
553
00:24:04,476 --> 00:24:07,678
life would go on
much more simpler.
554
00:24:16,387 --> 00:24:18,822
What do you
think, Gloria?
555
00:24:18,824 --> 00:24:20,257
Looks great
with your dress.
556
00:24:20,259 --> 00:24:21,725
Really suits
you, Ma.
557
00:24:21,727 --> 00:24:22,859
Edith, Edith,
558
00:24:22,861 --> 00:24:24,261
what are you doing
wearing that necklace?
559
00:24:24,263 --> 00:24:26,062
You're supposed to give
that back to the store!
560
00:24:26,064 --> 00:24:27,698
No. It's all right, Archie.
561
00:24:27,700 --> 00:24:32,603
Mr. Kirkwood, the store manager,
said I could keep it.
562
00:24:32,605 --> 00:24:34,170
Oh.
563
00:24:34,172 --> 00:24:36,573
Well, after all
the trouble he made,
564
00:24:36,575 --> 00:24:38,575
the least he could do
is give you something.
565
00:24:38,577 --> 00:24:40,444
And not only that.
566
00:24:40,446 --> 00:24:42,879
He says it's gonna
be the first item
567
00:24:42,881 --> 00:24:45,449
on my new
charge account.
568
00:25:06,738 --> 00:25:08,705
ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recorded on tape
569
00:25:08,707 --> 00:25:11,441
before a live audience.
570
00:25:11,491 --> 00:25:16,041
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
40363
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