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1
00:00:03,069 --> 00:00:05,837
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
2
00:00:05,905 --> 00:00:09,540
♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪
3
00:00:09,609 --> 00:00:13,144
♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪
4
00:00:13,212 --> 00:00:15,947
[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪
5
00:00:16,015 --> 00:00:19,584
♪ and you knewwhere you were then ♪
6
00:00:19,652 --> 00:00:23,154
[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls and men were men ♪
7
00:00:23,222 --> 00:00:26,124
[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪
8
00:00:26,191 --> 00:00:29,928
♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪
9
00:00:29,996 --> 00:00:33,331
[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪
10
00:00:33,398 --> 00:00:36,835
[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪
11
00:00:36,902 --> 00:00:40,538
[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle ran great ♪
12
00:00:40,606 --> 00:00:45,043
♪ those were the days ♪
13
00:00:54,186 --> 00:00:56,154
[ Archie ]
Edith! Comin', Archie!
14
00:00:56,221 --> 00:00:58,690
- Mother!
- Oh, I'll be with you in a minute, Gloria.
15
00:00:58,758 --> 00:01:00,925
Your father wants
some aspirin.
16
00:01:00,993 --> 00:01:03,928
Edith, bring
the kaopectate too, will ya?
17
00:01:06,398 --> 00:01:09,534
Hurry up!Oh!
18
00:01:09,601 --> 00:01:14,072
[ Mike ]
Ma, I need some nose drops! Right away, Mike! Nose drops.
19
00:01:14,140 --> 00:01:16,741
- Mom?
- In a minute, Gloria.
20
00:01:16,809 --> 00:01:21,179
I'm doin' the best I can
with the three of you sick this way.
21
00:01:24,050 --> 00:01:25,984
[ Groans ]
22
00:01:28,921 --> 00:01:31,455
[ Sneezes ]
Gloria!
23
00:01:31,523 --> 00:01:34,959
What are you doing up?
You're supposed to be resting.
24
00:01:35,027 --> 00:01:38,529
I know, mom,
but you're so busy, and I want a cup of tea.
25
00:01:38,597 --> 00:01:41,733
[ Archie ] Edith, you dingbat!
You brung me the milk of magnesia!
26
00:01:46,072 --> 00:01:49,774
I got 'em mixed up.
I'm sorry, Archie!
27
00:01:49,842 --> 00:01:52,711
That's all right, mom.I'll get the tea.No! I'll get the tea.
28
00:01:52,778 --> 00:01:55,379
You go down and rest.
[ Archie ]Edith, come on!
29
00:01:55,447 --> 00:01:57,816
I'll be with you
in a second, Archie!
30
00:01:57,883 --> 00:02:00,685
[ Mike ]
Ma! She's in the kitchen!
31
00:02:00,753 --> 00:02:05,223
What? I can't hear you!
I said, she's in the kitchen!
32
00:02:05,290 --> 00:02:09,360
Mike, God, you know
how lousy I feel! Must you make me scream?
33
00:02:10,796 --> 00:02:12,797
What did you say?
34
00:02:12,865 --> 00:02:15,499
I need some orange juice, ma!
35
00:02:15,567 --> 00:02:18,402
[ Archie ]
Edith, come on! Here's your tea, dear.
36
00:02:18,470 --> 00:02:20,739
Nice and hot.
Thank you, ma.
37
00:02:20,806 --> 00:02:24,675
Edith, you got me
walkin' a plank! The kaopectate!
38
00:02:26,411 --> 00:02:30,414
Coming, Archie!
Don't forget the ginger ale to kill the taste of it!
39
00:02:30,482 --> 00:02:34,786
Oh, ginger ale.
[ Panting ] Oh-oh, my.
40
00:02:34,854 --> 00:02:39,190
Stop, ma.
Enough is enough. Daddy, Michael,
41
00:02:39,258 --> 00:02:43,027
you two bundle up
and come down here before ma falls on her face!
42
00:02:43,095 --> 00:02:45,196
Come on, ma.
You gotta sit down and rest.
43
00:02:45,264 --> 00:02:49,600
Well, I'll be all right
just as soon as I catch my breath.
44
00:02:49,668 --> 00:02:51,602
Oh, my!
45
00:02:51,670 --> 00:02:54,338
It wasn't so bad
the first two days...
46
00:02:54,406 --> 00:02:57,909
When I wasn't so tired
and you wasn't so sick.
47
00:02:57,977 --> 00:03:01,079
Oh, ma, we just gotta send
for cousin maude to come and help out,
48
00:03:01,147 --> 00:03:03,014
or you're gonna
get sick too.
49
00:03:03,082 --> 00:03:07,952
I phoned her, but
your father sent her a telegram and told her not to come.
50
00:03:08,020 --> 00:03:10,121
He won't have her around.
51
00:03:10,189 --> 00:03:13,391
[ Coughing ]
52
00:03:13,458 --> 00:03:17,361
Where's the kaopectate?
Don't you wanna open the ginger ale first?
53
00:03:17,429 --> 00:03:19,630
There ain't no time
for the ginger ale now.
54
00:03:21,801 --> 00:03:24,269
Oh, geez! Edith,
get the ginger ale now.
55
00:03:27,206 --> 00:03:31,342
How could you mix up
milk of magnesia with kaopectate, Edith?
56
00:03:31,410 --> 00:03:35,713
It's like mixing up prune juice
with radiator sealant.
57
00:03:35,781 --> 00:03:38,382
Get out of my chair,
meathead!
58
00:03:38,450 --> 00:03:40,518
[ Groaning ]
59
00:03:40,585 --> 00:03:43,654
Come on, Edith, with
the ginger ale, huh? Here you are, Archie.
60
00:03:43,722 --> 00:03:47,125
Daddy,
this has gotta stop. We're killing mom.
61
00:03:47,193 --> 00:03:50,261
I don't know why
you won't let cousin maude come and help out.
62
00:03:50,329 --> 00:03:52,263
Oh, go blow your nose!
63
00:03:52,331 --> 00:03:56,301
We ain't lettin' that woman
in this house, and that's the end of the discussion.
64
00:03:56,368 --> 00:03:59,103
How could you hate her
through all these years?
65
00:03:59,171 --> 00:04:02,106
Are you kidding?
Archie's hatred's like a fine wine.
66
00:04:02,174 --> 00:04:04,108
It mellows with age.
67
00:04:04,176 --> 00:04:07,879
Why don't you go take
a pill for yourself, huh?
68
00:04:07,947 --> 00:04:10,181
I need some vitamin "c."
I'll get it, Michael.
69
00:04:10,249 --> 00:04:14,886
You go sit down
on the sofa next to Gloria. You can share the blanket.
70
00:04:14,954 --> 00:04:18,189
I'm not sittin' next to Gloria.
She's highly infectious!
71
00:04:18,257 --> 00:04:20,825
She's the one
I caught this thing from in the first place.
72
00:04:20,893 --> 00:04:23,928
Don't you blame that on me.
I warned you I was coming down with something.
73
00:04:23,996 --> 00:04:25,930
Why'd you have to kiss me?
74
00:04:25,998 --> 00:04:28,766
'Cause I liked you that day.
75
00:04:28,834 --> 00:04:32,603
[ Coughing ]
Aw, cut that out, huh?
76
00:04:32,671 --> 00:04:36,307
You're spraying all
your "infecterous" germs over on me.
77
00:04:36,375 --> 00:04:40,444
Archie, if there's
no personal contact, there's no danger of further infection.
78
00:04:40,512 --> 00:04:42,446
That's with regular germs.
79
00:04:42,514 --> 00:04:46,985
Them polack bugs of yours
are too dumb to know the rules.
80
00:04:47,052 --> 00:04:50,955
[ Coughing ]
Thanks, ma. Here you are, Mike.
81
00:04:51,023 --> 00:04:54,259
Ma? Ma, will you please
get me the nose spray?
82
00:04:54,326 --> 00:04:56,261
Yes, dear.
And some orange juice, ma.
83
00:04:56,328 --> 00:04:59,197
Wait a minute, Edith.
Hold it. Stop runnin' around.
84
00:04:59,265 --> 00:05:03,301
Get over here.
Now, we're all gonna be down here.
85
00:05:03,369 --> 00:05:08,406
I'm gonna make up some
rules here and regulations and "priorororities."
86
00:05:08,473 --> 00:05:12,476
And the first "priorority"
is me, 'cause I'm the one that's really sick.
87
00:05:12,544 --> 00:05:14,612
You're sick?
88
00:05:14,679 --> 00:05:18,116
My leg and my back muscles ache,
and I'm nauseous all the time.
89
00:05:18,183 --> 00:05:22,320
Oh, I feel for you, Gloria.
I really do.
90
00:05:22,388 --> 00:05:24,989
But you have one of
the lesser strains of the virus.
91
00:05:25,057 --> 00:05:27,725
I have the big one!
[ Exaggerated cough ]
92
00:05:27,793 --> 00:05:30,962
I'm the one!
I'm the guy!
93
00:05:31,030 --> 00:05:33,164
I'm the breadwinner
here, all right?
94
00:05:33,232 --> 00:05:36,200
And I gotta get well.
Geez.
95
00:05:36,268 --> 00:05:39,003
I gotta feed
three human beings and a government mule.
96
00:05:41,506 --> 00:05:45,243
Now, if the two of youse
want anything, you'll just have to serve yourselves, that's all,
97
00:05:45,311 --> 00:05:47,745
'cause Edith is gonna be
waitin' on me.
98
00:05:47,813 --> 00:05:49,747
I got a very
delicate condition.
99
00:05:49,815 --> 00:05:53,851
And keep the path clear
between here and the bathroom at all times.
100
00:05:53,919 --> 00:05:57,721
Daddy, I think it's high time
we reconsidered cousin maude.
101
00:05:57,789 --> 00:06:00,058
Well,
you just forget that. Oh, boy.
102
00:06:00,125 --> 00:06:04,329
She's the only relative
on the two sides of the family that'll come when you need her,
103
00:06:04,396 --> 00:06:06,464
and you won't
have her around.
104
00:06:06,531 --> 00:06:08,666
I don't see what on earth
you've got against her.
105
00:06:08,733 --> 00:06:12,837
Well, she's a big mouth
buttinsky. She was from the first day I met her.
106
00:06:12,904 --> 00:06:16,074
Oh. I remember that day.
[ Chuckles ]
107
00:06:16,141 --> 00:06:18,176
Maude and me
was sittin' in...
108
00:06:18,243 --> 00:06:23,047
The puritan maid
ice cream parlor, havin' their special.
109
00:06:23,115 --> 00:06:27,452
It was called a steamboat.
Five flavors of ice cream,
110
00:06:27,519 --> 00:06:31,689
three different toppings--
whipped cream, marshmallow,
111
00:06:31,756 --> 00:06:34,792
butterscotch sauce--
all right, Edith! Cut it out, huh?
112
00:06:34,860 --> 00:06:38,929
Will you lay off that stuff?
My belly's turnin' over here.
113
00:06:38,998 --> 00:06:41,499
No, go on, ma.
I wanna know what happened.
114
00:06:41,566 --> 00:06:44,902
Well, I'll tell it,
and I'll save you some time.
115
00:06:44,970 --> 00:06:49,573
Your mother and her cousin maude
were sittin' in the puritan maid ice cream parlor, that's all.
116
00:06:49,641 --> 00:06:52,776
I was in there with
another guy, Rupert Pratt.
117
00:06:52,844 --> 00:06:55,480
Talkin' about gettin' sick.
You should've seen Rupert Pratt...
118
00:06:55,547 --> 00:06:58,749
Turn his eyelids inside out.
119
00:06:58,817 --> 00:07:01,785
Well, anyway, I was in there,
and I was just, uh,
120
00:07:01,853 --> 00:07:04,022
tryin' to get your mother's
attention, that's all.
121
00:07:04,089 --> 00:07:07,392
- How'd you do that, daddy?
- He was so cute.
122
00:07:07,459 --> 00:07:10,594
I'm tellin' the story,
Edith.
123
00:07:10,662 --> 00:07:12,630
I was tryin' to make
your mother laugh.
124
00:07:12,697 --> 00:07:16,700
'Cause that was my--
what do you call-- style in them days.
125
00:07:16,768 --> 00:07:19,870
Oh, yeah.
You should've seen him.
126
00:07:19,938 --> 00:07:25,076
First, he stuffed
two straws up his nose like a walrus.
127
00:07:25,144 --> 00:07:27,545
All right, Edith, eh?
128
00:07:27,612 --> 00:07:31,249
And then he made out
like he was shot in the belly,
129
00:07:31,316 --> 00:07:35,053
and he put his head back
like this and let chocolate syrup...
130
00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:37,522
Drip out of
the corner of his mouth.
131
00:07:37,589 --> 00:07:39,690
Will you stifle yourself!
132
00:07:39,758 --> 00:07:43,127
Go on, ma.
Did he make you laugh?
133
00:07:43,195 --> 00:07:45,129
Oh, I'll say.
[ Chuckles ]
134
00:07:45,197 --> 00:07:47,198
Finally, he got up
and came over...
135
00:07:47,266 --> 00:07:50,068
To where maude and me
were sittin'.
136
00:07:50,135 --> 00:07:53,571
And while he looked at me
straight in the eye,
137
00:07:53,638 --> 00:07:56,274
your father
squished his hand...
138
00:07:56,341 --> 00:08:00,644
Right down into my steamboat.
139
00:08:00,712 --> 00:08:03,147
Well, I had to laugh,
140
00:08:03,215 --> 00:08:08,586
'cause there he was
up to here in five flavors, three toppings--
141
00:08:08,653 --> 00:08:12,490
marshmallow,
whipped cream-- all right, Edith, huh?
142
00:08:12,558 --> 00:08:15,226
We all heard
how you make a steamboat.
143
00:08:15,294 --> 00:08:17,895
If you want to
tell 'em something, why don't you tell 'em...
144
00:08:17,963 --> 00:08:21,532
What your cousin maude,
that gorgeous cousin maude of yours,
145
00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:23,534
said to me on that occasion.
146
00:08:23,602 --> 00:08:27,972
Well, she said--
oh, Archie, you really want me to repeat it?
147
00:08:28,039 --> 00:08:30,241
Certainly.
Let the two of 'em know.
148
00:08:30,309 --> 00:08:33,777
Let 'em know what
a no-class person she really is.
149
00:08:33,845 --> 00:08:36,581
Well, she said that...
150
00:08:36,648 --> 00:08:39,883
She hadn't seen
nothin' so disgustin'...
151
00:08:39,951 --> 00:08:44,489
Since her kid brother
heaved up his whole dinner at his confirmation.
152
00:08:46,191 --> 00:08:49,160
There. Hear that?
153
00:08:49,228 --> 00:08:51,329
Nice, huh?
154
00:08:51,396 --> 00:08:55,733
I pull off the funniest stunt
in the whole history of the puritan maid ice cream parlor,
155
00:08:55,800 --> 00:08:59,903
and maude comes up
with a revoltin' story about confirmation.
156
00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:03,107
I hate that dame.
157
00:09:03,175 --> 00:09:07,378
Well, she ain't too crazy
about you neither.
158
00:09:07,446 --> 00:09:11,915
Ever since that fight
your father and maude had one Christmas,
159
00:09:11,983 --> 00:09:14,952
when she caught him drawin'
horns and a moustache...
160
00:09:15,020 --> 00:09:17,921
On a picture
of president Roosevelt.
161
00:09:17,989 --> 00:09:20,291
Cousin maude liked
Roosevelt, huh, ma? Oh, yeah.
162
00:09:20,359 --> 00:09:22,760
She was nuts about the guy.
163
00:09:22,827 --> 00:09:27,131
Once, she ran 30 blocks
up Broadway during a parade...
164
00:09:27,199 --> 00:09:30,334
Just to catch up with his car
and touch his hand.
165
00:09:30,402 --> 00:09:33,404
Certainly. She was
a new deal fanatic.
166
00:09:33,472 --> 00:09:35,973
Oh, boy, I'm feelin'
lousier by the minute.
167
00:09:36,041 --> 00:09:41,179
Aw, quit complainin', huh?
Cut out the fakin' with that thermometer there.
168
00:09:41,246 --> 00:09:44,915
Fakin', huh?
Look at that inflammation!
169
00:09:44,983 --> 00:09:47,451
Get that ugly tongue
away from me! Oh, yeah?
170
00:09:47,519 --> 00:09:49,620
Feel those
swollen glands there. Get out of here!
171
00:09:49,688 --> 00:09:52,323
I don't wanna feel
no part of you. Why?
172
00:09:52,391 --> 00:09:55,593
You're afraid you'll find out
that I'm really sicker than you?
173
00:09:55,661 --> 00:09:58,596
You're sicker than me?
Did you hear that, Edith? Yes!
174
00:09:58,664 --> 00:10:01,299
He said-- Edith, get me
the other thermometer, right now.
175
00:10:01,366 --> 00:10:05,069
We'll find outwho's the sickest here.Fine.
176
00:10:05,136 --> 00:10:08,306
Yeah, all right.
Take that out and shake it down all the way.
177
00:10:08,373 --> 00:10:11,975
All right.
You shake yours down. This one's already shook down.
178
00:10:12,043 --> 00:10:15,379
Now, stick that
in your yap and clam up.
179
00:10:15,447 --> 00:10:18,916
I'll time it.
One Mississippi, two Mississippi,
180
00:10:18,983 --> 00:10:21,419
three Mississippi,
four Mississippi--
181
00:10:21,486 --> 00:10:24,689
- what are you doin', ma?
- I'm countin' 60 seconds.
182
00:10:24,756 --> 00:10:27,425
That's they way
they taught us in school.
183
00:10:27,492 --> 00:10:30,728
Oh, my.
What Mississippi was I up to?
184
00:10:30,795 --> 00:10:33,598
[ Mumbling ]
You got to four Mississippi. What did you say, Archie?
185
00:10:33,665 --> 00:10:36,200
Five Mississippi,
six Mississippi-- oh, yeah.
186
00:10:36,268 --> 00:10:39,136
Four Mississippi,
five Mississippi-- you're going back!
187
00:10:39,204 --> 00:10:41,439
Ma, you lost count.
You're way behind.
188
00:10:41,506 --> 00:10:44,041
I know.
I'll time it by "the minute waltz."
189
00:10:44,109 --> 00:10:47,545
- ♪ [ Humming ]
- Oh, will you shut up!
190
00:10:51,717 --> 00:10:53,851
Next time you wanna
time somethin', Edith,
191
00:10:53,918 --> 00:10:56,554
just let the sand
run out of your head.
192
00:11:00,425 --> 00:11:03,594
That's it. Time's up.
What've you got?
193
00:11:03,662 --> 00:11:05,663
Oh, no.
No, no.
194
00:11:05,731 --> 00:11:08,666
I'm callin' you.
What do you got?
195
00:11:08,734 --> 00:11:11,001
Can you beat 99?
196
00:11:11,069 --> 00:11:13,271
Can I beat 99?
197
00:11:13,338 --> 00:11:16,374
I can beat 99
with points to spare. What does that say, Edith?
198
00:11:16,441 --> 00:11:19,943
Mckesson and Roberts--
aw, give me that!
199
00:11:24,483 --> 00:11:28,653
Can I beat 99?
What do you say to 99.3?
200
00:11:28,720 --> 00:11:31,889
Read it and weep.
101.2.
201
00:11:31,956 --> 00:11:35,159
Let me see that.
All right. There it is-- 101.2.
202
00:11:35,226 --> 00:11:38,362
Yeah, we found out
who's really sick around here. [ Chuckles ]
203
00:11:38,430 --> 00:11:41,165
What am I happy about?
I'm dying.
204
00:11:41,232 --> 00:11:43,200
Gloria, get up.
Let me lie down on the couch.
205
00:11:43,268 --> 00:11:46,170
Oh, no, you don't.
My temperature's 101.
206
00:11:46,237 --> 00:11:48,238
And for two tenths of a point,
you're not taking my couch.
207
00:11:48,307 --> 00:11:50,374
Gloria, I am sick!
Will you let me lie down on the couch?
208
00:11:50,442 --> 00:11:52,543
Aw, dummy up,
the two of youse, will ya?
209
00:11:52,611 --> 00:11:54,978
Hypochondriac!
Hypochondriac, huh?
210
00:11:55,046 --> 00:11:57,715
I got a 101.2!
That ain't hypochondriac!
211
00:11:57,783 --> 00:12:01,185
[ Doorbell ringing ]Edith, the doorbellis ringing!
212
00:12:01,252 --> 00:12:03,721
[ Yelling continues ]
213
00:12:03,789 --> 00:12:06,624
Edith, the doorbell--
ah, what's the use!
214
00:12:06,692 --> 00:12:08,626
[ Mike ]
That's it! I'm gettin' hotter! I'm gettin' worse!
215
00:12:08,694 --> 00:12:12,663
Shut up, all of ya!
Shhhh! [ Arguing stops ]
216
00:12:15,033 --> 00:12:17,201
There's a person
at the door.
217
00:12:20,405 --> 00:12:23,974
- Maude!
- Edith!
218
00:12:24,042 --> 00:12:29,179
Wait a minute! Didn't you get
my telegram telling you to stay the hell away from here?
219
00:12:29,247 --> 00:12:31,716
Of course
I got your telegram...
220
00:12:31,783 --> 00:12:35,085
Telling me to stay
the hell away from here.
221
00:12:35,153 --> 00:12:39,724
Edith, honey!
You can rest easy now.
222
00:12:39,791 --> 00:12:42,326
Maudie is here.
223
00:12:43,662 --> 00:12:45,596
Aw, geez.
224
00:12:49,868 --> 00:12:54,905
Okay, everybody.
Rise and shine. Time to get up.
225
00:12:54,973 --> 00:12:58,208
♪ Lazy Mary, will you get up
will you get up will you get up ♪
226
00:12:58,276 --> 00:13:02,613
come on, everybody!
Edith!
227
00:13:02,681 --> 00:13:06,584
Mike, Gloria, everybody,
we're gonna have breakfast downstairs together.
228
00:13:06,651 --> 00:13:09,553
The exercise'll
do you good.
229
00:13:09,621 --> 00:13:12,590
♪ Good morning
good morning ♪
230
00:13:12,657 --> 00:13:15,426
♪ you've slept
the whole night through good morning ♪
231
00:13:15,494 --> 00:13:18,396
♪ good morning to you ♪
232
00:13:18,463 --> 00:13:20,931
are you waiting
for a special invitation?
233
00:13:20,999 --> 00:13:23,233
I said breakfast
is on the table.
234
00:13:23,301 --> 00:13:27,405
I heard ya.
So did every moose up in Canada.
235
00:13:30,876 --> 00:13:33,511
Listen, Archie,
I'm not going to let you upset me.
236
00:13:33,578 --> 00:13:35,513
I'm only here
because of Edith.
237
00:13:35,580 --> 00:13:39,750
The fact that
you happen to be here with her is beyond my control,
238
00:13:39,818 --> 00:13:42,019
like any other
freak of nature.
239
00:13:45,089 --> 00:13:47,425
Now, you can either
come to the table and eat,
240
00:13:47,492 --> 00:13:50,360
or you can lie there
and feed off your own fat.
241
00:13:58,503 --> 00:14:02,005
And if you choose the latter,
you could probably lie there for months.
242
00:14:07,245 --> 00:14:11,181
I didn't sleep
a whole wink here last night!
243
00:14:11,249 --> 00:14:14,552
It's daytime now,
so get off the couch. You'll be in the way.
244
00:14:14,619 --> 00:14:17,755
What are you talkin' about?
You're the one that put me on the couch.
245
00:14:17,823 --> 00:14:21,391
You're the one that wouldn't
let me sleep with my own wife up there in my own bed.
246
00:14:21,460 --> 00:14:23,226
Your wife needs her rest.
247
00:14:23,294 --> 00:14:27,397
Probably the first
peaceful night's sleep she's had in 20 years.
248
00:14:27,466 --> 00:14:29,934
Dear, sweet Edith.
249
00:14:30,001 --> 00:14:32,035
I'd kill for that girl.
250
00:14:41,613 --> 00:14:45,850
Geez, maude, you already buried
two husbands. Ain't that enough killin' for ya?
251
00:14:48,052 --> 00:14:53,156
It's only 8:00 in the morning,
and already that foul mouth is open for business.
252
00:14:55,393 --> 00:14:58,395
Fred died
of a brain hemorrhage,
253
00:14:58,463 --> 00:15:00,698
and Bert died
of a heart seizure.
254
00:15:00,765 --> 00:15:02,766
And you know that
very well, Archie bunker.
255
00:15:02,834 --> 00:15:04,768
All I know,
I seen the two of them...
256
00:15:04,836 --> 00:15:08,171
Layin' up at the funeral parlor
with big smiles on their faces.
257
00:15:12,744 --> 00:15:14,845
Good morning, everybody.
258
00:15:14,913 --> 00:15:17,681
Here's Edith.
Get up, Archie. What for?
259
00:15:17,749 --> 00:15:20,183
Oh, look, you got
everything ready.
260
00:15:20,251 --> 00:15:22,285
That's right.
Sit there, Archie.
261
00:15:22,353 --> 00:15:24,622
You know, Bert and Fred--
God rest their souls--
262
00:15:24,689 --> 00:15:27,992
used to jump up
and hold my chair for me.
263
00:15:28,059 --> 00:15:31,795
[ Edith ]
It's a shame they both had to die so young.
264
00:15:31,863 --> 00:15:34,965
It was all that jumpin' up,
holdin' out chairs.
265
00:15:35,033 --> 00:15:36,967
Watch it, Archie.
266
00:15:37,035 --> 00:15:39,904
[ Blows raspberry ]
267
00:15:39,971 --> 00:15:41,939
You're common.
Here, sweetheart.
268
00:15:42,007 --> 00:15:45,475
You drink your juice,
and I'm gonna make you a nice hot breakfast.
269
00:15:45,544 --> 00:15:47,912
Oh, my!
270
00:15:47,979 --> 00:15:50,781
I feel so rested.
271
00:15:50,849 --> 00:15:55,452
I bet that's
the first good night's sleep I've had in 20 years.
272
00:15:59,024 --> 00:16:01,358
How do you feel,
Archie?
273
00:16:01,426 --> 00:16:04,828
How would you feel
if you was woke up by a singin' storm trooper?
274
00:16:06,164 --> 00:16:08,331
But she's
such a big help, [ Groans ]
275
00:16:08,399 --> 00:16:10,467
And she means well.
276
00:16:10,535 --> 00:16:13,303
Don't walk so close to me,
will ya? You're breathin' on me.
277
00:16:13,371 --> 00:16:15,539
Then walk faster,
'cause I'm hungry.
278
00:16:15,607 --> 00:16:18,341
Well, how do you two
feel this morning?
279
00:16:18,409 --> 00:16:22,112
Well, my temperature's
down to 100, but my throat still feels bad.
280
00:16:22,180 --> 00:16:24,414
My eyes are clearin' up,
but my nasal passage-- who cares, Michael?
281
00:16:24,482 --> 00:16:28,185
Who cares?
Do you know what he did to me?
282
00:16:28,252 --> 00:16:31,455
He set the alarm to wake
himself up every two hours all night long...
283
00:16:31,522 --> 00:16:33,457
So that he could gargle
and take his pills...
284
00:16:33,524 --> 00:16:35,459
And wheeze over his inhaler
for ten minutes.
285
00:16:35,526 --> 00:16:39,229
You know something, Michael?
When you're sick, you're sick!
286
00:16:41,399 --> 00:16:43,834
Good morning, children.
Here, sweetheart.
287
00:16:43,902 --> 00:16:47,671
I made you a lovely breakfast--
bacon and eggs, toast and potatoes.
288
00:16:47,739 --> 00:16:50,741
Thank you.
And for you, I made delicious custard.
289
00:16:50,809 --> 00:16:54,511
Oh, thank you.
Good for the tum-tum. And this is for you.
290
00:16:54,579 --> 00:16:57,114
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
291
00:16:57,181 --> 00:16:59,516
Custard for them?
What the hell do you call this?
292
00:16:59,584 --> 00:17:03,988
It's my own invention--
cream of wheat with cheese.
293
00:17:05,857 --> 00:17:08,092
Cream of wheat
with cheese?
294
00:17:08,159 --> 00:17:11,294
It's light,
but it binds.
295
00:17:21,906 --> 00:17:24,608
This here looks like
somethin' I ate and lost.
296
00:17:26,678 --> 00:17:30,447
Oh, daddy,
don't be so crude. [ Maude ] Crude?
297
00:17:30,515 --> 00:17:32,616
He was always crude.
298
00:17:32,684 --> 00:17:34,652
I remember when
he and Edith were courting,
299
00:17:34,719 --> 00:17:36,654
they used to love
to go to the movies.
300
00:17:36,721 --> 00:17:41,025
With a screen full of
Leslie Howards, Spencer Tracys and Clark gables,
301
00:17:41,092 --> 00:17:44,128
he took her to see
Buster crabbe.
302
00:17:44,195 --> 00:17:46,764
Damn right.
A hell of an actor.
303
00:17:46,831 --> 00:17:49,033
You never knew
what was any good, maude.
304
00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:51,802
You was always wrong
about everything.
305
00:17:51,870 --> 00:17:55,572
The luckiest day
in Edith's life was the day I took her away from you...
306
00:17:55,640 --> 00:17:58,976
And your whole family
of dreamy-eyed screwballs.
307
00:17:59,044 --> 00:18:02,012
You're not stopping at me.
Now you're attacking the whole family.
308
00:18:02,080 --> 00:18:04,848
And after that wedding,
those presents we gave you!
309
00:18:04,916 --> 00:18:06,884
Presents?
What presents?
310
00:18:06,951 --> 00:18:09,820
All I remember
Edith bringing with her was a waffle iron,
311
00:18:09,888 --> 00:18:14,024
a raincoat that leaked,
four cavities and a compacted wisdom tooth.
312
00:18:14,092 --> 00:18:17,194
Presents.
[ Mock laughter ]
313
00:18:17,261 --> 00:18:20,130
Just get out of my way!
Get out of my way!
314
00:18:20,198 --> 00:18:23,867
Cream of wheat
and cheese, huh? Wrong again, maude!
315
00:18:32,577 --> 00:18:36,213
Don't mind him, maude.
He ain't himself today.
316
00:18:36,280 --> 00:18:38,916
He wasn't so great
yesterday either.
317
00:18:38,983 --> 00:18:43,220
Well, what can you expect
from a man who used to laugh out loud at ish kabibble?
318
00:18:43,287 --> 00:18:45,956
What's ish kabibble?
319
00:18:46,024 --> 00:18:49,159
He was a person.
He played in kay kyser's band.
320
00:18:49,227 --> 00:18:51,595
The college
of musical knowledge.
321
00:18:51,662 --> 00:18:55,332
- Was he funny?
- Like a migraine.
322
00:18:55,399 --> 00:19:00,904
But every time kay kyser said,
"and here's ish kabibble," your father laughed.
323
00:19:00,972 --> 00:19:03,540
Now, come on, everybody. Let's
all go into the living room. Leave the dishes.
324
00:19:03,608 --> 00:19:06,243
I'll clean them up later.
Come on, sweetheart.
325
00:19:06,310 --> 00:19:09,446
Now, you sit over here, Edith.
Make yourself comfortable, honey.
326
00:19:09,513 --> 00:19:14,785
I want you to get
all the rest you need. Don't worry about me, maude.
327
00:19:14,853 --> 00:19:17,454
You know, this is
the first time I've been off my feet today.
328
00:19:17,521 --> 00:19:22,559
It really feels good.
Maude, maybe you'd better not sit in that chair.
329
00:19:22,627 --> 00:19:25,896
Why not?
This old chair is just perfect for me.
330
00:19:25,964 --> 00:19:29,466
- You see, Archie--
- Archie, Archie.
331
00:19:29,533 --> 00:19:33,570
Oh, Edith, when I think of
the hundreds of men you could have married.
332
00:19:33,638 --> 00:19:35,572
Who?
333
00:19:37,575 --> 00:19:40,744
Well, there was, uh--
there was Bruce pellet, for one.
334
00:19:40,812 --> 00:19:42,913
He liked you a lot,
Edith.
335
00:19:42,981 --> 00:19:45,849
Bruce pellet.
Bruce--
336
00:19:45,917 --> 00:19:48,919
oh, I remember him.
337
00:19:48,987 --> 00:19:53,223
He was always
pickin' at himself like his underwear was too tight.
338
00:19:55,226 --> 00:19:58,628
And then one day,
we didn't notice it no more.
339
00:19:58,696 --> 00:20:00,497
Oh, you mean he stopped?
340
00:20:00,564 --> 00:20:03,767
No, he moved out
of the neighborhood.
341
00:20:05,837 --> 00:20:08,138
Hey, hey, hey.
342
00:20:08,206 --> 00:20:10,740
You're in my chair,
maude.
343
00:20:10,809 --> 00:20:13,576
So?
I wanna sit in my chair.
344
00:20:13,644 --> 00:20:17,214
- Oh?
- You gonna get out of my chair?
345
00:20:17,282 --> 00:20:19,216
No!
346
00:20:19,284 --> 00:20:22,085
Now, maude, if you don't
get out of that chair,
347
00:20:22,153 --> 00:20:24,421
I got a way to make you
very, very upset.
348
00:20:24,488 --> 00:20:27,157
- Archie, please.
- Stay out of this now, Edith.
349
00:20:27,225 --> 00:20:29,293
Come on, maude.
Last chance. You gonna get out of there?
350
00:20:29,360 --> 00:20:31,461
Get lost.
351
00:20:32,530 --> 00:20:35,065
Ho, ho, ho.
352
00:20:35,133 --> 00:20:38,936
Well, I got the
secret weapon that can lay this little lady right away.
353
00:20:39,003 --> 00:20:43,340
Here we go.
This country was ruined...
354
00:20:43,407 --> 00:20:46,810
By Franklin
delano Roosevelt!
355
00:20:52,383 --> 00:20:54,318
You're fat.
356
00:20:57,621 --> 00:21:01,658
Sticks and stones
may break my bones, but Franklin delano Roosevelt--
357
00:21:01,726 --> 00:21:05,695
you promised never
to say that name again in front of maude.
358
00:21:05,763 --> 00:21:08,598
Franklin delano Roosevelt!
He don't mean nothin'.
359
00:21:08,666 --> 00:21:10,901
His whole family
was for Roosevelt.
360
00:21:10,969 --> 00:21:13,403
That was for two terms,
but that was it!
361
00:21:13,471 --> 00:21:16,273
We didn't know the guy
was gonna hang on to the job like a pope!
362
00:21:16,341 --> 00:21:20,043
He hung on...
To save the country.
363
00:21:20,111 --> 00:21:24,114
The people adored him.
He was a Saint. That man had charisma.
364
00:21:24,182 --> 00:21:26,149
I don't care
if he was sick.
365
00:21:29,287 --> 00:21:32,622
He always had
his big mouth open at them fireside chats.
366
00:21:32,690 --> 00:21:36,293
Those fireside chats
kept this country informed.
367
00:21:36,361 --> 00:21:39,396
And one "my friends"
from Roosevelt...
368
00:21:39,463 --> 00:21:43,466
Was worth a barrel full of
"let me make this perfectly clears."
369
00:21:43,534 --> 00:21:45,568
Ohh!
370
00:21:45,636 --> 00:21:48,038
Now you're rappin'
my president, huh?
371
00:21:48,106 --> 00:21:51,141
Well, let me tell you
one thing about Richard e. Nixon.
372
00:21:53,511 --> 00:21:56,746
He knows how to keep
his wife pat home.
373
00:21:56,814 --> 00:21:59,582
Roosevelt could never
do that with Eleanor.
374
00:21:59,650 --> 00:22:02,585
She was always
out on the loose,
375
00:22:02,653 --> 00:22:05,488
runnin' around
with the coloreds,
376
00:22:05,556 --> 00:22:08,292
tellin' 'em they was gettin'
the short end of the stick.
377
00:22:08,359 --> 00:22:10,360
She was the one that
discovered the coloreds in this country.
378
00:22:10,428 --> 00:22:12,362
We never knew
they was there.
379
00:22:15,833 --> 00:22:19,702
And we've been havin'
nothin' but trouble with them ever since!
380
00:22:19,770 --> 00:22:22,705
It was a question
of civil rights or civil war.
381
00:22:22,773 --> 00:22:25,642
We got civil war, maude!
We got riots in the streets!
382
00:22:25,709 --> 00:22:27,644
Because of poverty
and unemployment.
383
00:22:27,711 --> 00:22:32,115
No! Because of
Franklin delano Roosevelt, the first creepin' socialist.
384
00:22:32,183 --> 00:22:34,484
He brought the country
back from the depression.
385
00:22:34,552 --> 00:22:37,054
And dumped us right into
the middle of world war ii.
386
00:22:37,121 --> 00:22:39,222
Which he won as
our commander in chief.
387
00:22:39,290 --> 00:22:43,060
No! That's a lie!
General macarthur won that war.
388
00:22:43,127 --> 00:22:47,064
And Roosevelt
fired him for it. That was Truman.
389
00:22:47,131 --> 00:22:50,300
Under secret sealed orders
from f.D.R.
390
00:22:52,170 --> 00:22:55,439
Oh, come on!
That's a fact, maude!
391
00:22:55,506 --> 00:23:00,043
Just like that other fact--
that he sold us out to Joe Stalin at Gibraltar.
392
00:23:00,111 --> 00:23:04,414
They met at yalta.
He sold us out there too!
393
00:23:04,482 --> 00:23:07,717
He handed all of Europe
over to the russkies on a silver platter.
394
00:23:07,785 --> 00:23:11,888
I don't wanna argue
with you no more, maude! And I got my chair back!
395
00:23:21,199 --> 00:23:23,733
You know, Archie,
I think I liked you better...
396
00:23:23,801 --> 00:23:26,569
When you were shoving straws
up your nose.
397
00:23:28,306 --> 00:23:30,440
I'm leaving this house!
398
00:23:30,508 --> 00:23:34,277
Maude!
Let her go! I got my chair back.
399
00:23:34,345 --> 00:23:36,779
Archie,
you can have your chair.
400
00:23:36,847 --> 00:23:40,783
Only don't move around
too much. You'll crush your brains.
401
00:23:46,624 --> 00:23:48,725
Maude--
don't say nothin' to her! Let her go, Edith!
402
00:23:48,792 --> 00:23:51,294
I don't want her around--
what's the matter with you? Oh, my.
403
00:23:51,362 --> 00:23:53,663
What's wrong, honey?
Archie,
404
00:23:53,731 --> 00:23:56,699
when you first got sick,
where did it hit you?
405
00:23:56,767 --> 00:23:59,369
Oh, geez, you know
where it hit me.
406
00:23:59,437 --> 00:24:01,371
Mike, where did you feel it?
407
00:24:01,439 --> 00:24:03,206
It was my head.
I got dizzy.
408
00:24:03,274 --> 00:24:07,077
- You, Gloria?
- Suddenly, I felt nauseous and I started throwing up.
409
00:24:07,145 --> 00:24:10,514
That's the one!
Wait a minute! Edith! Where are you going?
410
00:24:10,581 --> 00:24:13,016
Edith, what's the matter
with you? I'm sick!
411
00:24:13,084 --> 00:24:16,119
Edith, you can't be sick!
What's gonna happen to us?
412
00:24:16,187 --> 00:24:18,588
Who the hell's
gonna take care of us?
413
00:24:24,662 --> 00:24:26,863
Maudie's here.
414
00:24:39,077 --> 00:24:41,178
Aw, geez.
415
00:24:41,245 --> 00:24:43,180
In sickness and in health.
416
00:24:44,549 --> 00:24:48,618
Oh, boy.
What are youse tryin' to do,
417
00:24:48,686 --> 00:24:51,854
give your germs
a new lease on life?
418
00:24:51,922 --> 00:24:55,692
Come on, daddy. Don't be
so grumpy. You should be happy we're feeling better.
419
00:24:55,759 --> 00:24:58,995
How can I be happy...
With that woman up there?
420
00:24:59,063 --> 00:25:01,531
Hangin' around my neck
like an albatross.
421
00:25:03,601 --> 00:25:06,603
Archie, you have to have
patience. That's the way it is with the flu.
422
00:25:06,670 --> 00:25:09,506
Sometimes it lasts
a couple of days, sometimes you can be sick for a week.
423
00:25:09,574 --> 00:25:11,941
God, work a miracle today,
will ya?
424
00:25:12,009 --> 00:25:15,945
[ Maude ]
Are you sure you can manage? [ Edith ] I'm fine, maude, now.
425
00:25:16,013 --> 00:25:18,515
Here, look, Archie.
Look who's up.
426
00:25:36,267 --> 00:25:40,370
[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recordedon tape before a live audience.
427
00:25:40,420 --> 00:25:44,970
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