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[ Announcer ]
From television city in Hollywood.
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00:00:04,837 --> 00:00:08,106
♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪
3
00:00:08,173 --> 00:00:11,810
♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪
4
00:00:11,877 --> 00:00:15,680
♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪
5
00:00:15,748 --> 00:00:18,883
[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪
6
00:00:20,119 --> 00:00:23,387
♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪
7
00:00:23,455 --> 00:00:27,425
[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls and men were men ♪
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00:00:27,493 --> 00:00:29,460
[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪
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00:00:29,528 --> 00:00:34,799
♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪
10
00:00:34,867 --> 00:00:37,669
[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪
11
00:00:37,737 --> 00:00:41,205
[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪
12
00:00:41,273 --> 00:00:45,376
[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle ran great ♪
13
00:00:45,444 --> 00:00:51,783
♪ those were the days ♪
14
00:01:20,579 --> 00:01:22,681
care for an olive ?
Uh-huh.
15
00:01:23,916 --> 00:01:26,151
Mmm. Beats eating 'em
out of jars.
16
00:01:26,218 --> 00:01:29,654
I used to have an Uncle
who'd put an olive on every finger of his hand.
17
00:01:29,722 --> 00:01:31,990
Know what they used to
call him ? Uh-uh.
18
00:01:32,058 --> 00:01:33,992
Vincent.
19
00:01:35,294 --> 00:01:39,230
Why'd they call him
Vincent ? That was his name.
20
00:01:39,298 --> 00:01:42,333
Then why'd you tell me
the thing about the--
21
00:01:42,401 --> 00:01:44,002
Michael !
22
00:01:44,070 --> 00:01:47,005
What do you think
they're gonna call him ? Olive fingers ?
23
00:01:47,073 --> 00:01:49,007
[ Moans ]
24
00:01:55,347 --> 00:01:57,782
I'm starving.
What time's himself comin' home ?
25
00:01:57,850 --> 00:01:59,784
I'm not sure.
26
00:01:59,852 --> 00:02:02,787
You know he moonlights
with Mr. munson's taxicab on Saturdays.
27
00:02:02,855 --> 00:02:04,789
Hey, mom,
when's daddy coming home ?
28
00:02:04,857 --> 00:02:08,059
Well, in his own words,
when he's g-d ready.
29
00:02:09,428 --> 00:02:12,864
Myself, something tells me
any second now.
30
00:02:12,932 --> 00:02:16,367
Isn't that sweet, Michael ?
She feels it in her heart.
31
00:02:16,435 --> 00:02:18,870
No, I hear it
at the door.
32
00:02:20,172 --> 00:02:22,607
[ Gloria ]
Hiya, daddy. [ Mike ] Hi, arch.
33
00:02:22,674 --> 00:02:24,943
What's the matter
with you ? Nothin'.
34
00:02:25,010 --> 00:02:26,945
No hello ?
Even they said hello.
35
00:02:27,012 --> 00:02:30,115
They said "hi."
But you said nothin'.
36
00:02:30,182 --> 00:02:33,118
I was gonna say good evening.
Oh, skip it, will ya. Skip it.
37
00:02:33,185 --> 00:02:36,855
I've learned to expect
nothin' but aggravation from you anyhow.
38
00:02:36,922 --> 00:02:39,858
Um, it's almost 7:00, daddy.
You're late.
39
00:02:39,925 --> 00:02:42,861
He's always late,
except after coffee in the morning.
40
00:02:42,928 --> 00:02:45,864
Six minutes later,
to the second, watch out.
41
00:02:45,931 --> 00:02:48,867
And God forbid
I'm in there shaving.
42
00:02:48,934 --> 00:02:53,138
The workin's of nature won't
wait for no deadbeat who takes all morning to shave.
43
00:02:53,205 --> 00:02:55,140
Remember that.
44
00:02:55,207 --> 00:02:57,642
I'm not knockin' it.
I think you're a marvel.
45
00:02:57,709 --> 00:03:01,379
I can even set my watch
by how long it takes you to belch after a bicarb.
46
00:03:02,447 --> 00:03:04,382
Twenty-two seconds,
exactly.
47
00:03:05,450 --> 00:03:07,385
Well, listen, wise guy,
48
00:03:07,452 --> 00:03:09,888
you should have
such a constitution.
49
00:03:09,955 --> 00:03:13,691
They'd have counted you out
already if you'd been in the accident I was just in.
50
00:03:13,759 --> 00:03:16,694
Archie, an accident ?
Daddy, are you all right ?
51
00:03:16,762 --> 00:03:20,131
No, no, no,
they couldn't hurt me. What happened ?
52
00:03:20,199 --> 00:03:23,634
Well, there was this pushy dame.
You know the kind-- a yenta.
53
00:03:23,702 --> 00:03:26,137
Plows into
the back of my cab.
54
00:03:26,205 --> 00:03:28,807
And I mean plowed.
Wham !
55
00:03:28,874 --> 00:03:32,944
Them people are always in
a hurry, trying to get to a sale or somethin' to save four cents.
56
00:03:33,012 --> 00:03:34,946
What a tribe.
57
00:03:35,014 --> 00:03:37,949
What do you mean,
"what a tribe" ? Forget it, Michael.
58
00:03:38,017 --> 00:03:40,952
Come on, mom.
I'll help you with dinner.
59
00:03:41,020 --> 00:03:44,289
I'm glad you weren't hurt.
What do you mean, "what a tribe" ?
60
00:03:44,356 --> 00:03:46,291
Forget it.
It's "irrevelant."
61
00:03:46,358 --> 00:03:48,592
Irrelevant.
Whatever.
62
00:03:48,660 --> 00:03:51,129
It ain't German
to the conversation.
63
00:03:55,500 --> 00:03:57,435
Germane.
Aw, listen, Emily post.
64
00:03:57,502 --> 00:03:59,938
If you correct me
one more time-- okay, okay.
65
00:04:03,775 --> 00:04:06,711
But you didn't mean
to call me Emily post. Oh, jeez.
66
00:04:06,778 --> 00:04:11,216
She's an expert on table
manners, wedding invitations, things like that.
67
00:04:11,283 --> 00:04:13,218
It's the wrong image,
arch.
68
00:04:13,285 --> 00:04:17,222
What you meant to call me was,
say, Mr. funk or Mr. wagnall, the dictionary people.
69
00:04:17,289 --> 00:04:20,624
'Cause I was
correcting you on words. You see the difference there ?
70
00:04:20,692 --> 00:04:22,626
You are defective.
71
00:04:22,694 --> 00:04:24,628
There's no doubt
about it.
72
00:04:25,697 --> 00:04:27,631
You got a fuse blown
in your head...
73
00:04:27,699 --> 00:04:30,335
Somewhere between the brain
and the nervous system.
74
00:04:30,402 --> 00:04:33,338
There ain't
a store in the country that wouldn't take you back.
75
00:04:34,473 --> 00:04:36,741
Why don't you
clean your fingernails ?
76
00:04:37,877 --> 00:04:40,578
Maybe things
wouldn't grow there.
77
00:04:40,645 --> 00:04:42,580
Hey, Edith,
where's supper, huh ?
78
00:04:42,647 --> 00:04:44,582
All set, Archie.
79
00:04:44,649 --> 00:04:47,585
I was just givin' you a chance
to work up an appetite.
80
00:04:47,652 --> 00:04:50,588
He always eats better
when he's upset.
81
00:04:50,655 --> 00:04:53,091
Well, I eat better
when he's not upset.
82
00:04:53,158 --> 00:04:57,395
So, just this once,
could we have a meal without an argument ? Michael ?
83
00:04:57,462 --> 00:05:00,965
[ Imitating James cagney ]
You want it ? You got it, baby.
84
00:05:01,033 --> 00:05:03,334
Oh, we're gonna have
a floor show, huh ?
85
00:05:03,402 --> 00:05:05,336
Come on, daddy.
86
00:05:05,404 --> 00:05:07,605
No arguments, okay ?
Who's arguing ?
87
00:05:07,672 --> 00:05:10,108
I don't think
that's an answer.
88
00:05:10,175 --> 00:05:14,212
Oh, this dingbat's gonna
start argument number one over here.
89
00:05:14,280 --> 00:05:17,415
Daddy, mom,
could you settle down ? Now, let's just eat.
90
00:06:37,896 --> 00:06:40,831
♪ [ Mike humming ]
91
00:06:42,834 --> 00:06:44,969
♪ [ Continues ]
92
00:06:46,038 --> 00:06:48,473
♪ [ Stops ]
93
00:06:52,644 --> 00:06:54,645
♪ [ Resumes, finishes ]
94
00:06:58,283 --> 00:07:02,286
[ Sighs ]
Mom, anything interesting happen to you today ?
95
00:07:04,356 --> 00:07:07,892
Actually,
something interesting did happen today.
96
00:07:09,661 --> 00:07:11,829
Oh, no,
that was yesterday.
97
00:07:16,468 --> 00:07:19,970
Well, I can't eat
no more of this. What's the matter, daddy ?
98
00:07:20,039 --> 00:07:22,473
It's the meat.
It's not done enough.
99
00:07:22,541 --> 00:07:25,976
You knew that all the time ?
I made it medium just this once.
100
00:07:26,045 --> 00:07:28,979
I don't like it medium.
I like it well.
101
00:07:29,048 --> 00:07:30,981
Well well.
102
00:07:31,050 --> 00:07:33,984
Peg bracken says
it spoils the flavor.
103
00:07:34,053 --> 00:07:37,922
Peg bracken ?
Ain't that the dame who don't even like to cook ?
104
00:07:39,024 --> 00:07:41,292
Yeah,but she's an expert.
105
00:07:41,360 --> 00:07:44,362
And she says well
spoils the flavor.
106
00:07:44,430 --> 00:07:47,365
It seals it in,
that's what it does.
107
00:07:47,433 --> 00:07:50,568
Any gourmet will tell you,
the only way to eat meat is rare.
108
00:07:50,635 --> 00:07:53,904
Oh, now we hear
from the Polish corner.
109
00:07:53,972 --> 00:07:58,242
Poland, the land
that gave us such rare and delicate dishes as--
110
00:07:59,344 --> 00:08:02,046
uh, Polish sausage
is very good.
111
00:08:02,114 --> 00:08:04,848
You oughta know.
You married one.
112
00:08:06,518 --> 00:08:09,019
I'm sick and tired
of your Polish jokes.
113
00:08:09,088 --> 00:08:12,022
You see, mom ?
It's winding up in an argument after all.
114
00:08:12,091 --> 00:08:15,025
No, it ain't, 'cause
I'm gonna take my dessert over here in my chair.
115
00:08:15,094 --> 00:08:17,027
What do we got,
rice puddin' ?
116
00:08:17,096 --> 00:08:19,564
Give me some
with a pinch of milk on top.
117
00:08:19,631 --> 00:08:22,733
"Give me some with
a pinch of milk on top." [ Giggles ]
118
00:08:22,801 --> 00:08:26,237
I've been making rice pudding
for 22 years,
119
00:08:26,305 --> 00:08:28,739
sometimes two
and three times a week,
120
00:08:28,807 --> 00:08:31,175
and he always says
the same thing.
121
00:08:31,243 --> 00:08:34,178
"Give it to me
with a little pinch of milk on top."
122
00:08:34,246 --> 00:08:37,681
Except last week, remember ?
Mike and Gloria went out to dinner.
123
00:08:37,749 --> 00:08:40,017
You made rice puddin',
and what happened ?
124
00:08:40,085 --> 00:08:43,020
You didn't
make your usual speech about the milk on top.
125
00:08:43,088 --> 00:08:45,022
I remember.
126
00:08:45,090 --> 00:08:48,259
- And how did you serve it ?
- Without the milk on top.
127
00:08:48,327 --> 00:08:49,827
Dingbat.
128
00:08:52,063 --> 00:08:54,232
But he didn't
ask for it.
129
00:08:55,734 --> 00:08:59,103
Hey, Archie,
you never finished the story about the accident.
130
00:08:59,171 --> 00:09:02,106
Well, the story is,
very simply, that...
131
00:09:02,174 --> 00:09:04,308
A certain
Mrs. rhoda greenspan...
132
00:09:04,376 --> 00:09:06,310
Plowed into
the back of my cab.
133
00:09:06,378 --> 00:09:08,312
They're all the same,
them people.
134
00:09:08,380 --> 00:09:10,314
Here.
Here's your rice pudding.
135
00:09:10,382 --> 00:09:12,816
I put a pinch of milk
on top.
136
00:09:12,884 --> 00:09:15,319
Gee,
that's a good idea.
137
00:09:15,387 --> 00:09:17,821
Bring me some
bicarbonate of soda, will ya.
138
00:09:17,889 --> 00:09:19,823
My insides
is on fire.
139
00:09:19,891 --> 00:09:22,826
What do you mean, "they're
all the same, them people ?" What people ?
140
00:09:22,894 --> 00:09:26,330
The chosen people.
What do I gotta do, draw you a picture ?
141
00:09:28,467 --> 00:09:30,901
She plows into
the back of my cab,
142
00:09:30,969 --> 00:09:33,904
then she opens up her yap
as though it was me that hit her.
143
00:09:33,972 --> 00:09:36,641
They coulda heard her
all the way to Tel Aviv.
144
00:09:38,277 --> 00:09:40,711
Here's your bicarb.
Oh, yeah.
145
00:09:43,615 --> 00:09:45,550
Well,
what's done is done. One, two,
146
00:09:45,617 --> 00:09:48,553
I told munson I'd get him
an estimate on his cab... Three, four, five, six,
147
00:09:48,620 --> 00:09:50,888
tomorrow,
maybe the next day. Seven, eight,
148
00:09:50,955 --> 00:09:52,890
probably cost
an arm and a leg. Nine, ten,
149
00:09:52,957 --> 00:09:54,892
them thieves
at the body shop. 11, 12,
150
00:09:54,959 --> 00:09:57,895
you pay $6.00 an hour
for labor. 13, 14, 15, 16,
151
00:09:57,962 --> 00:10:00,898
most of the time they're
at the soft drink machine or the can.
152
00:10:00,965 --> 00:10:02,900
17, 18, 19, 20, 21--
what are you doin' ?
153
00:10:02,967 --> 00:10:04,902
[ Burps ]
154
00:10:16,748 --> 00:10:18,683
Twenty-two seconds,
exactly.
155
00:10:18,750 --> 00:10:21,686
All right, wise guy,
so I'm dependable.
156
00:10:21,753 --> 00:10:24,154
What else
you tryin' to prove ? Nothin'.
157
00:10:24,223 --> 00:10:28,959
We were discussing
one of your favorite hang-ups-- your anti-Jewish bias.
158
00:10:29,027 --> 00:10:31,295
What anti-Jewish bias ?
159
00:10:31,363 --> 00:10:33,297
Oh, no, daddy.
Not that again.
160
00:10:33,365 --> 00:10:35,799
Remember,
even Jesus was a Jew.
161
00:10:35,867 --> 00:10:38,135
Yeah, but only
on his mother's side.
162
00:10:39,204 --> 00:10:41,639
[ Doorbell rings ]
163
00:10:42,807 --> 00:10:44,742
Hiya, Lionel.
How you doin', everybody ?
164
00:10:44,809 --> 00:10:46,910
Hiya, Lionel.
You want some rice puddin' ?
165
00:10:46,978 --> 00:10:48,912
No, thanks.
I've already eaten.
166
00:10:48,980 --> 00:10:50,914
Say, I was just over
to Mr. munson's.
167
00:10:50,982 --> 00:10:53,851
I understand
you used his cab today and put a small dent in it.
168
00:10:53,918 --> 00:10:55,853
I put ?
Small dent ?
169
00:10:55,920 --> 00:10:59,089
I thought you said
she plowed right into you-- wham !
170
00:10:59,157 --> 00:11:02,092
I just came from there.
It's right out front. It's just a little dent.
171
00:11:02,160 --> 00:11:05,563
A little dent ?
And you were making a federal case out of it.
172
00:11:05,631 --> 00:11:07,565
Listen,
she hit me hard.
173
00:11:07,633 --> 00:11:10,234
Good thing I wasn't drivin'
one of them foreign jobs.
174
00:11:10,302 --> 00:11:12,236
I'd be pushin' up
the daisies now.
175
00:11:12,304 --> 00:11:14,238
What were you doin'
at munson's ?
176
00:11:14,306 --> 00:11:17,241
Come to think of it,
what are you doin' here ?
177
00:11:17,309 --> 00:11:19,243
Posin' as
a body-and-Fender expert ?
178
00:11:19,311 --> 00:11:22,480
I was just makin' my rounds,
pickin' up the cleaning.
179
00:11:22,547 --> 00:11:24,982
- What cleanin' ?
- Didn't we tell ya ?
180
00:11:25,049 --> 00:11:29,052
Lionel's folks
have opened up a cleaning store on northern boulevard.
181
00:11:29,120 --> 00:11:31,722
I thought we'd give 'em
all our business.
182
00:11:31,790 --> 00:11:35,225
You mean, your old man
ain't the janitor at the hempstead apts. No more ?
183
00:11:35,294 --> 00:11:37,227
That's right.
184
00:11:37,296 --> 00:11:41,031
Where'd he get the money
to open up a cleanin' store ? From the accident.
185
00:11:41,099 --> 00:11:44,502
- When was that ?
- When mom and dad got rear-ended by the bus.
186
00:11:44,569 --> 00:11:49,006
After they paid for the lawyer,
they had $3,200 left over.
187
00:11:49,073 --> 00:11:53,143
So they bought this franchise.
And they're doin' real well too, Mr. bunker.
188
00:11:53,211 --> 00:11:57,147
You know, last weekthey grossed over $1,000.
189
00:11:57,215 --> 00:12:00,651
And that's 200 betterthan the week before.
190
00:12:00,719 --> 00:12:03,654
And next weekthey should do 1,500, easy.
191
00:12:03,722 --> 00:12:08,158
All right, Lionel, all right.
You don't have to give me their "dun and broadstreets."
192
00:12:10,595 --> 00:12:13,531
Here you are, Lionel.
Have everything cleaned and pressed, okay ?
193
00:12:13,598 --> 00:12:16,534
Okay. Thanks, folks.
I'll have it back by Tuesday.
194
00:12:16,601 --> 00:12:18,536
See ya, Lionel.
Bye, Lionel.
195
00:12:18,603 --> 00:12:22,039
Oh, my, wasn't that
a lucky break for Lionel's folks ?
196
00:12:22,106 --> 00:12:25,876
I think it's just wonderful.
It's like a whole new life opened up for 'em.
197
00:12:25,944 --> 00:12:29,213
$3,200. My !
198
00:12:29,280 --> 00:12:32,717
[ Mike ] His father says
they're doin' so well, they may open another store.
199
00:12:32,784 --> 00:12:35,219
And have two stores ?
[ Edith ] Oh, my goodness !
200
00:12:35,286 --> 00:12:38,856
They could open up
a whole chain of stores.
201
00:12:38,923 --> 00:12:40,858
Oww ! Jeez !
202
00:12:40,925 --> 00:12:43,160
What's the matter ?
What happened ? Archie.
203
00:12:43,228 --> 00:12:45,162
What a pain
in the back !
204
00:12:45,230 --> 00:12:48,165
Stay away from me.
Don't touch me, nobody.
205
00:12:48,233 --> 00:12:52,169
Just let me see
if I can walk all alone. Look out.
206
00:12:52,237 --> 00:12:54,171
Ooh, Edith !
Ohh ! Oh, Archie !
207
00:12:54,239 --> 00:12:58,609
Do you think
it's from the accident ? Maybe you got a whiplash.
208
00:12:58,677 --> 00:13:00,845
Nah.
Not from a little dent.
209
00:13:00,912 --> 00:13:03,347
Shut up, meathead.
210
00:13:03,415 --> 00:13:05,549
Edith, help me
to the chair, will ya.
211
00:13:05,617 --> 00:13:08,051
You, keep away from me.
212
00:13:08,119 --> 00:13:11,489
[ Groans ]
Oh. Oh, gee, Edith.
213
00:13:11,556 --> 00:13:13,491
Oh !
214
00:13:13,558 --> 00:13:17,261
Uh, wh-what was that you said
about, uh... whiplash ?
215
00:13:26,838 --> 00:13:28,773
What are you doin',
Edith ?
216
00:13:28,840 --> 00:13:32,276
The reader's digest says
you should put a pillow under your legs...
217
00:13:32,343 --> 00:13:34,278
If you hurt your back.
218
00:13:34,345 --> 00:13:37,782
- Don't believe what you read
in them articles. - It wasn't in an article.
219
00:13:37,849 --> 00:13:40,785
It was at the bottom
of a page.
220
00:13:40,852 --> 00:13:44,221
You know,
where the article was finished and they still had some space.
221
00:13:44,289 --> 00:13:46,724
I don't wanna hear
about the articles !
222
00:13:46,792 --> 00:13:50,728
I don't read the articles.
Just the bottom of the pages.
223
00:13:50,796 --> 00:13:54,398
Do they tell you,
at the bottom of the pages, how to bury your husband ?
224
00:13:54,466 --> 00:13:58,068
Oh, Archie,
don't talk like that.
225
00:13:58,136 --> 00:14:01,605
How could you be dying ?
You ain't seen a doctor yet.
226
00:14:01,673 --> 00:14:03,607
Yeah, what about
a doctor, daddy ?
227
00:14:03,675 --> 00:14:07,377
We'll see a lawyer first.
He'll tell us what doctor to go to.
228
00:14:07,446 --> 00:14:09,680
They got specialists
for all these things.
229
00:14:09,748 --> 00:14:12,483
What about Fred kowalcyzk,
my brother-in-law ? He's a lawyer.
230
00:14:12,551 --> 00:14:14,985
Kowalcyzk.
No, that don't sound good.
231
00:14:16,387 --> 00:14:19,156
We could call
Helen gurney's brother Peter.
232
00:14:19,223 --> 00:14:22,159
He handles accidents.
Peter gurney ? No, no, no.
233
00:14:22,226 --> 00:14:24,829
Listen, get me
the yellow pages.
234
00:14:24,896 --> 00:14:28,098
Why not somebody you know ?
Why a stranger ?
235
00:14:28,166 --> 00:14:30,468
Because sometimes
strangers is best.
236
00:14:30,535 --> 00:14:33,471
They don't get
too close to you. You know what I mean.
237
00:14:33,538 --> 00:14:36,774
No.
Will you get me the yellow pages !
238
00:14:36,842 --> 00:14:39,477
Do you know
what he means, ma ? No.
239
00:14:39,544 --> 00:14:42,245
Cut that out, Edith !
240
00:14:42,313 --> 00:14:44,247
Let's see here.
241
00:14:44,315 --> 00:14:46,917
There's, like, ten pages
of lawyers here.
242
00:14:46,985 --> 00:14:48,919
Where should I start,
at the beginning ?
243
00:14:48,987 --> 00:14:53,090
No, start at the middle
and read out sideways.
244
00:14:53,157 --> 00:14:55,325
Certainly,
start at the beginning.
245
00:14:55,393 --> 00:14:58,328
There's 10,000 names here.
I'll skip around. It'll be faster.
246
00:14:59,464 --> 00:15:01,398
All right, let's see.
247
00:15:01,466 --> 00:15:05,803
Uh, "w.B. Adams.
Adams and brenner. Burton and fitzallen.
248
00:15:05,871 --> 00:15:07,805
Cohen and Ginsberg--"
249
00:15:07,873 --> 00:15:09,807
Cohen and Ginsberg.
What ?
250
00:15:09,875 --> 00:15:12,810
Cohen--
just go on readin'. Go on, go on.
251
00:15:12,878 --> 00:15:16,146
Okay, uh,
"Evans and monahan. Franklin and Powell.
252
00:15:16,214 --> 00:15:18,148
Lochman, shapiro
and stone--"
253
00:15:18,216 --> 00:15:20,317
lochman, shapiro and stone.
254
00:15:20,385 --> 00:15:23,186
- What ?
- I'm just thinkin'. Will you read on !
255
00:15:23,254 --> 00:15:25,556
All right.
"Harris and whipple.
256
00:15:25,624 --> 00:15:29,059
"Johnson and Smith.
McDonald and shelby.
257
00:15:29,127 --> 00:15:31,428
Rabinowitz, rabinowitz
and rabinowitz--"
258
00:15:31,496 --> 00:15:33,664
rabinowitz, rabinowitz--
259
00:15:33,732 --> 00:15:35,666
what was the third name ?
260
00:15:38,570 --> 00:15:40,504
Rabinowitz.
261
00:15:40,572 --> 00:15:43,440
Yeah. How do they
sound to you ?
262
00:15:43,508 --> 00:15:45,242
Jewish.
263
00:15:46,344 --> 00:15:47,945
Very Jewish.
264
00:15:48,013 --> 00:15:51,214
What has their religion
got to do with it ? That's what we wanna know.
265
00:15:51,282 --> 00:15:55,553
Listen, Mr. big liberal,
you brought up their religion, not me.
266
00:15:55,620 --> 00:15:59,189
If they're good lawyers,
for all I care they could be chinks.
267
00:16:00,358 --> 00:16:02,292
Do you
believe him ?
268
00:16:02,360 --> 00:16:05,796
He actually thinks
because they're Jewish they're smarter, shrewder.
269
00:16:05,864 --> 00:16:07,798
Well ?
You actually believe that junk ?
270
00:16:07,866 --> 00:16:09,800
Listen to this guy,
Edith.
271
00:16:09,868 --> 00:16:12,302
I agree with him that
they're smarter and shrewder,
272
00:16:12,370 --> 00:16:14,805
he's makin' out like
I don't like the hebes.
273
00:16:14,873 --> 00:16:17,808
Now, daddy, you stop
twisting things around like that.
274
00:16:17,876 --> 00:16:21,311
You don't trust anybody
that's different from you, until you need him.
275
00:16:21,379 --> 00:16:23,313
Well, I do need him !
276
00:16:23,381 --> 00:16:25,816
Oh, jeez !
Mom, he's so prejudiced.
277
00:16:25,884 --> 00:16:27,818
What are we
gonna do ?
278
00:16:30,188 --> 00:16:32,289
Get him a rabinowitz.
279
00:16:37,195 --> 00:16:39,129
Archie,
I brought you some juice.
280
00:16:39,197 --> 00:16:41,131
It'll help
wash down the pills.
281
00:16:41,199 --> 00:16:44,134
Are you all right ?
Can I get you anything more ?
282
00:16:44,202 --> 00:16:47,638
No, Edith,
just pick up some of the papers around here.
283
00:16:47,706 --> 00:16:51,141
And ask your son-in-law to
sit up like a human being.
284
00:16:51,209 --> 00:16:55,145
And, Gloria, you get up
and straighten out some of the pictures on the walls.
285
00:16:55,213 --> 00:16:58,548
He'll be here any minute.
You want people to think you live in a pig's eye ?
286
00:17:00,619 --> 00:17:03,553
You didn't make
this much fuss last year...
287
00:17:03,622 --> 00:17:06,056
When your own mother
came to visit.
288
00:17:06,124 --> 00:17:08,558
His own mother
wasn't a Jewish lawyer.
289
00:17:09,894 --> 00:17:12,329
I don't think she even
went to high school.
290
00:17:12,396 --> 00:17:14,331
All right, Edith.
291
00:17:16,567 --> 00:17:19,503
Did she, Archie ?
Did your mother go to high school ?
292
00:17:19,570 --> 00:17:22,506
Will you shut up
and straighten out around here !
293
00:17:22,573 --> 00:17:25,009
[ Doorbell rings ]There he is.I'll go.
294
00:17:25,076 --> 00:17:28,912
Wait a minute.
Don't be in such a hurry. Let me tell you somethin'.
295
00:17:28,980 --> 00:17:32,816
Now, please try and show
a little class, huh ?
296
00:17:32,884 --> 00:17:36,253
These people have a way
of seein' right through ya, so remember: Class.
297
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:38,789
Just watch me.
Now go on to the door.
298
00:17:39,858 --> 00:17:42,092
[ Doorbell rings ]
299
00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:44,528
Oh, cut that out.
300
00:17:44,595 --> 00:17:46,964
Oh, how do you do ?
301
00:17:47,032 --> 00:17:49,967
I assume, since this is
the Archie bunker residence, that you are the bunker family.
302
00:17:50,035 --> 00:17:51,935
Yes.
My card.
303
00:17:52,003 --> 00:17:53,937
[ Man chuckles ][ Edith ]Come in.
304
00:17:57,608 --> 00:18:03,513
Archie, this is
"Mr. Whitney fitzroy I-v."
305
00:18:03,581 --> 00:18:05,549
That's Whitney fitzroy
the fourth.
306
00:18:05,616 --> 00:18:09,053
"I-v" is
the Roman numeral four. Oh, I see.
307
00:18:10,488 --> 00:18:13,423
Let me take your coat.
Thank you very much.
308
00:18:13,491 --> 00:18:15,425
Very much indeed.
[ Chuckles ]
309
00:18:15,493 --> 00:18:17,427
So, you're
Mr. fitzroy. Yes.
310
00:18:17,495 --> 00:18:20,430
Mr. fitzroy of rabinowitz,
rabinowitz and rabinowitz ?
311
00:18:20,498 --> 00:18:23,433
Well, Mr. fitzroy,
why don't you come and sit right here...
312
00:18:23,501 --> 00:18:25,435
Next to Mr. bunker.
313
00:18:25,503 --> 00:18:29,940
I'll tell you what I'll do--
I think I'll come over here and sit right next to Mr. bunker.
314
00:18:30,008 --> 00:18:31,942
[ Chuckles ]
315
00:18:34,212 --> 00:18:37,147
You're in luck.
He has a sense of humor.
316
00:18:37,215 --> 00:18:40,483
I guess that we can get
right down to business.
317
00:18:40,551 --> 00:18:42,953
Are you, uh, comfortable,
Mr. bunker ?
318
00:18:43,021 --> 00:18:44,955
I make a livin'.
319
00:18:45,023 --> 00:18:47,457
[ Chortling ]
320
00:18:49,694 --> 00:18:52,629
I meant,
are you comfortable in your chair ?
321
00:18:52,697 --> 00:18:54,631
This may take a wee while.
322
00:18:54,699 --> 00:18:59,536
I suppose, uh--
I suppose you're wondering why Mr. sol rabinowitz didn't come.
323
00:18:59,604 --> 00:19:02,172
Yeah, you can
say that again.
324
00:19:02,240 --> 00:19:05,175
Actually, it was set up
that way originally,
325
00:19:05,243 --> 00:19:08,178
but then we realized
the area that you live in and your name,
326
00:19:08,246 --> 00:19:11,281
and, well, the office
has had clients out this way before.
327
00:19:11,349 --> 00:19:15,518
We thought that you'd be,
um, you know, more comfortable with... one of your own.
328
00:19:15,586 --> 00:19:17,520
[ Chortles ]
329
00:19:17,588 --> 00:19:20,023
That's me.
[ Giggling ]
330
00:19:21,226 --> 00:19:23,393
At rabinowitz et al,
331
00:19:23,461 --> 00:19:28,265
I am, well, you might say
the token gentile.
332
00:19:30,235 --> 00:19:32,502
The house goy !
333
00:19:40,779 --> 00:19:45,082
The rabinowitzes and I,
we share the same letterhead and the same office,
334
00:19:45,150 --> 00:19:47,584
but that's where it ends.
335
00:19:47,652 --> 00:19:51,088
[ Chortling ]
You see what I mean ?
336
00:19:51,156 --> 00:19:53,223
That's where it ends.
337
00:19:54,625 --> 00:19:58,228
Well, that's where
this meeting ends-- here and now !
338
00:19:58,296 --> 00:20:01,231
But, uh, m-m-Mr. bunker--
no, no, no ! Get away from me, you !
339
00:20:01,299 --> 00:20:04,802
You go back
to where you came from and send me a Jew !
340
00:20:12,010 --> 00:20:13,944
Mr. bunker, believe me,
341
00:20:14,012 --> 00:20:16,079
I appreciate
your extraordinary faith...
342
00:20:16,147 --> 00:20:21,285
In the ability of an older
and sometimes faltering counselor-at-law.
343
00:20:21,352 --> 00:20:25,289
As a matter of fact,
it was your rather eloquent appeal to my secretary...
344
00:20:25,356 --> 00:20:27,791
That induced me
to canard at all.
345
00:20:27,859 --> 00:20:30,894
I can only hope that
your confidence in me is well founded.
346
00:20:30,962 --> 00:20:33,396
Don't he talk good, Edith ?
Huh ?
347
00:20:34,999 --> 00:20:37,935
I know the real article
when I see one, Mr. rabinowitz.
348
00:20:38,002 --> 00:20:40,270
Youse people really believe
in education, don't youse ?
349
00:20:40,338 --> 00:20:43,406
Uh, we often say,
Mr. bunker,
350
00:20:43,474 --> 00:20:46,977
the tree of learning
bears the noblest fruit.
351
00:20:47,045 --> 00:20:48,979
Hear that ?
The tree of learnin'.
352
00:20:49,047 --> 00:20:51,481
I read that
in a fortune cookie once.
353
00:20:54,552 --> 00:20:56,486
Will you
stifle yourself.
354
00:20:58,256 --> 00:21:00,690
Probably made
in a Jewish bakery.
355
00:21:00,758 --> 00:21:02,692
Stifle yourself !
356
00:21:05,796 --> 00:21:10,234
Go on, Mr. rabinowitz.
Help yourself to some wine. That's Morgan David.
357
00:21:11,669 --> 00:21:14,604
Now, listen,
between you and me,
358
00:21:14,672 --> 00:21:17,107
you know,
kind of on the q.T.,
359
00:21:17,175 --> 00:21:20,911
how come you got this guy
Whitney fitzroy the fourth workin' for ya ?
360
00:21:20,979 --> 00:21:24,481
'Cause I'm here to tell ya,
he ain't exactly a friend to the Jewish people.
361
00:21:24,548 --> 00:21:27,717
He's friendly enough.
Really ?
362
00:21:27,785 --> 00:21:30,687
He is married
to my only daughter.
363
00:21:30,755 --> 00:21:32,622
Oh, jeez.
364
00:21:33,691 --> 00:21:36,626
[ Sighs ]
I beg him not to do...
365
00:21:36,694 --> 00:21:39,396
The "I am the
token gentile" bit.
366
00:21:39,463 --> 00:21:43,000
- And the house goy.
- Oh. He didn't say that too.
367
00:21:43,067 --> 00:21:45,635
He certainly did.
[ Doorbell rings ]
368
00:21:45,703 --> 00:21:50,207
Well, what can you do
with children these days ? That's the way it is.
369
00:21:50,275 --> 00:21:52,876
Oh, how do you do ?
Hello.
370
00:21:52,944 --> 00:21:55,879
I'm the attorney
for Mrs. greenspan. Well, come in.
371
00:21:55,947 --> 00:21:58,115
My card.
Thank you.
372
00:21:59,450 --> 00:22:01,718
Archie, this is Mr...
373
00:22:01,786 --> 00:22:04,554
"Clarence the fifth
Marshall."
374
00:22:04,622 --> 00:22:07,057
That's Clarence v. Marshall,
ma'am.
375
00:22:10,929 --> 00:22:14,064
I thought it was
a Roman number. [ Chuckles ]
376
00:22:14,132 --> 00:22:17,067
Uh, I'm Solomon--
377
00:22:17,135 --> 00:22:21,471
I'm Solomon rabinowitz,
representing the injured party, Mr. bunker.
378
00:22:21,539 --> 00:22:24,474
Pleased to meet you.
Let me take your coat.
379
00:22:24,542 --> 00:22:26,476
Won't you sit down,
Mr. Marshall.
380
00:22:26,544 --> 00:22:30,147
Well, how are you feeling,
Mr. bunker ?
381
00:22:30,214 --> 00:22:33,883
Uh, we are in great pain,
Mr. Marshall.
382
00:22:33,952 --> 00:22:36,886
The bunker family physician,
Dr. ferguson,
383
00:22:36,955 --> 00:22:40,991
confirms that
our upper and lower back are in spasm...
384
00:22:41,059 --> 00:22:44,328
And the whiplash in our neck
is quite severe.
385
00:22:44,395 --> 00:22:48,231
It looks like
a long, long siege ahead.
386
00:22:48,299 --> 00:22:50,033
Yes.
387
00:22:52,070 --> 00:22:55,105
Now, Mr. bunker,
388
00:22:55,173 --> 00:22:57,107
according to our records,
389
00:22:57,175 --> 00:23:00,310
this accident took place
on, uh, Saturday the 14th...
390
00:23:00,378 --> 00:23:02,312
At approximately
6:30 in the evening.
391
00:23:02,380 --> 00:23:04,114
Is that correct ?
392
00:23:04,182 --> 00:23:06,416
Well, uh...
393
00:23:06,484 --> 00:23:08,418
Yeah.
394
00:23:08,486 --> 00:23:10,420
Now, according
to our witnesses--
395
00:23:10,488 --> 00:23:14,291
witnesses ?
You said nothing to me about witnesses, Mr. bunker.
396
00:23:14,359 --> 00:23:18,195
- The kids, the kids. You know.
- Oh, yes, the little children in the playground.
397
00:23:18,262 --> 00:23:20,197
Hardly admissible.
398
00:23:20,264 --> 00:23:24,868
Yes, but I'm referring
to a station wagon filled with nuns.
399
00:23:31,675 --> 00:23:33,610
Your witnesses ?
400
00:23:33,677 --> 00:23:36,646
A station wagon
filled with nuns.
401
00:23:38,716 --> 00:23:42,152
According to them, you were
coming out of the parking lot when it happened.
402
00:23:42,220 --> 00:23:45,355
Now, do you recall
in what direction you were traveling ?
403
00:23:45,423 --> 00:23:49,092
Uh, his vehicle was,
uh, headed north, I believe.
404
00:23:49,160 --> 00:23:51,661
Yes, but he was
traveling South.
405
00:23:53,697 --> 00:23:56,633
Well, I was backin' up.
Now, what difference could that make ?
406
00:23:56,700 --> 00:24:00,904
Well, if you were backing up,
you were going the wrong way in a one-way alley.
407
00:24:00,971 --> 00:24:04,941
I musta been going forward.
Not according to our witnesses.
408
00:24:05,009 --> 00:24:08,945
A station wagon
filled with nuns.
409
00:24:10,148 --> 00:24:12,749
Yes, uh,
"sister Maria yolanda,
410
00:24:12,816 --> 00:24:16,420
sister Catherine,
sister Jeremy, sister Rosemary--"
411
00:24:16,487 --> 00:24:18,422
all right, all right,
all right !
412
00:24:18,489 --> 00:24:21,425
Everybody knows
they go around in a mob.
413
00:24:22,826 --> 00:24:24,761
Hey, Mr. rabinowitz,
where you goin' ?
414
00:24:24,828 --> 00:24:26,763
Hey, don't leave,
Mr. rabinowitz.
415
00:24:26,830 --> 00:24:29,266
Listen, don't be
a-scared of this guy.
416
00:24:29,333 --> 00:24:31,768
Alongside of you,
he's like a green kid.
417
00:24:31,835 --> 00:24:33,770
You're a--
you're a mensch.
418
00:24:33,837 --> 00:24:35,905
Get after 'im.
419
00:24:35,973 --> 00:24:39,409
There is an old, old rule
of law, Mr. bunker.
420
00:24:39,477 --> 00:24:43,413
They say
it dates back to before the turn of the century.
421
00:24:43,481 --> 00:24:45,415
"In a court of law,
422
00:24:45,483 --> 00:24:49,252
you can't beat
a station wagon filled with nuns."
423
00:24:59,863 --> 00:25:01,798
Hi, Lionel.
Hi, folks.
424
00:25:01,865 --> 00:25:04,301
Last week's cleaning
all ready. Gee, thanks.
425
00:25:04,368 --> 00:25:08,138
Say, Mr. bunker,
I've been thinking about you all week.
426
00:25:08,206 --> 00:25:12,209
That accident you had--
you want the name of the lawyer who helped my folks ?
427
00:25:12,276 --> 00:25:15,212
Oh, no, Lionel.
I don't wanna ever get involved in no lawsuits.
428
00:25:15,279 --> 00:25:17,214
He already lost one.
429
00:25:17,281 --> 00:25:19,316
Stifle yourself,
Edith.
430
00:25:19,383 --> 00:25:22,919
Okay, but if
you ever feel the need, we found just the man.
431
00:25:22,987 --> 00:25:25,455
Name of Solomon rabinowitz.
432
00:25:43,207 --> 00:25:47,076
[ Archie ]
♪ boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪
433
00:25:47,145 --> 00:25:50,180
[ Edith ]
♪ songs that made the hit parade ♪
434
00:25:50,248 --> 00:25:53,883
[ Archie ]
♪ guys like us we had it made ♪
435
00:25:53,951 --> 00:25:57,887
[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ those were the days ♪
436
00:25:57,955 --> 00:26:02,392
[ announcer ]
All in the family was recordedon tape before a live audience.
437
00:26:02,442 --> 00:26:06,992
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