All language subtitles for All In The Family s01e02 President.eng

[ Announcer ]
From television city in Hollywood.

[ together ]

[ Archie ]

[ Archie, Edith ]

[ Archie ]

[ Edith ]

[ Archie, Edith ]

Subtitles downloaded from www.OpenSubtitles.org

Edith !
Yeah ?

Why are you
cookin' garments ?

Gloria's boilin'
one of Mike's shirts.

The dye in it
was giving him a rash.

Why don't you boil him
instead ?

Dye. Give me somethin'
to take the taste out of my mouth.

What'd you make here,
instant coffee ?

No, it's fresh perked.
Well, it tastes like instant.

It's fresh perked, though.
Okay, it's fresh perked, but it tastes like instant.

I heard you.
But it's fresh perked.

I accept
that it's fresh perked !

But it tastes
like instant, huh ?

You're a pip.
You know that ? A real pip.

We got nothin' for lunch
but crackers here ? Gloria went to the market.

You know we always
do a big shopping every Saturday morning.

Every Saturday.
God forbid one week you do it on a Friday.

You gotta watch out
for that "rigid-idness."

It'll wharf
your whole personality.

Hey, you.
Get away from that tv set.

You know I watch
football highlights every week at this time.

I know, but channel 13
is rerunning that special on pollution with Jack lemmon.

When I want to learn
anything about pollution,

I don't have to learn it
from no millionaire actor who's got nothin' better to do...

Than sit on his duff
dreamin' up causes.

If he wants
to unpollute somethin',

let him
unpollute the movies-- all them nudies.

Archie, you're always
watching football.

I think it's important
that we learn about our polluted environment.

You're pollutin'
my environment.

Now, get away
from my set.

Can't we at least sit down
like rational people and discuss this ?

Discuss. Why with you
has always everything gotta be like a meetin' ?

Because in a meeting
people sit down together and exchange ideas.

Okay. Okay.
Sit down, then, huh ?

Now, let me hear
your idea again. Okay.

I want us to watch
Jack lemmon and a group of famous scientists...

Discuss pollution and ecology
on channel 13.

Good. And I wanna
watch football highlights on channel 2.

Now, guess
what's gonna happen.

You're gonna watch
football highlights on channel 2.

Meeting adjourned.

Hey, Edith, let me have
some beer in here.

[ Edith ]
What do you want, bottle or can ?

We never buy bottles.

I'll bring you
a can.

Oh, what a dingbat.

All right, now, here it is.
Now, keep quiet. [ Tv: Crowd cheering ]

The giants
and the rams.

There they go--
hey! Hey ! Hey ! Look at that spook run !

Archie !

Can they move !
It's in their blood.

If you're talkin'
about a black man, would you call him that, huh ?

- And what do you mean, running
like that is in his blood ? - Well, it is.

It's inherited.

He got that from his forefathers
when he was runnin' through the jungle.

You know ? Through thorns
and thickets, barefooted, with a tiger on his butt.

You know everything
about the black man, boy.

Well, more than you.

I used to know
a whole flock of them in the old neighborhood.

There was a guy,
roundtree cumberbatch,

him and me
used to be close buddies.

You never knew anybody
by that name.

You just made it up.

I made up a name
like roundtree cumberbatch ? Yeah. Yeah.

You made it up
to put down a black man. What are you tellin' me ?

That some of your coloreds
don't have funny names ? Oh, yeah, sure they do.

Like Roy Wilkins,
uh, Whitney young, uh, James Baldwin.

Yeah, or al jolson.

I heard of all them guys.

They got plenty of your
roundtree cumberbatches too.

They named 'em
after Pullman cars and railroad stations.

Come on.
You don't believe me ? It's a fact. Look it up.

All right, Edith,
leave it there.

Hi. I'm back.
It's about time.

Let me help you.
Wait till you see what I got here.

That rash you got
from the dye, Michael ? That decided me.

From now on I wanna know
what's in everything I buy.

So I stopped off
at the health food store and got some natural foods.

Anything for sandwiches ?
You can't get anything more natural than baloney.

What do you got here ?

"Organic eggs" ?

"Tiger's milk."
What's that ?

"Wheat germ oil."

"Decimated liver--"

what is all this garbage ?

Where's my crunchy cereal
with the animal cutouts on the box ?

They say there's
no nutritional value in that cereal, daddy.

- What ?
- That's right. They just did a study.

Nutritionally,
that cereal-- zilch.

Zilch, huh ? Have you any idea
the famous athletes and coaches that were brung up on that ?

And I mean
the all-time all-timers.

Forty years I been eatin' it,
and I'm as good shape today as the day I was born.

- My bowels are regular--
- oh, Archie !

[ Tv announcer:
Indistinct ]

What's that ?
Get out of my way, will ya. I'm missin' somethin' here.

I missed it.
The play of the week.

Alvin haymond's 88-yard
run-back, and I missed it. It's your fault !

Why are you watching that
anyway ?

Michael, didn't you tell him
about Jack lemmon ? Get away from that dial.

All right. For now
we'll just turn down the sound. Why ?

Because I wanna
say something.

Oh, another meetin'.
Gee.

Now, daddy,
this set is always tuned to what you want to watch.

Just this once,
can't you share a little ? Huh ?

This special,
it's important to Michael and me.

Yeah, because
it's tearin' the country down.

That's what you like--
to watch a bunch of jerks tearin' the country down.

Pollution is a fact of life,
and it's not just America. It's worldwide.

This special
with Jack lemmon-- leave me alone about that.

And you know what you can do
with your Jack lemmon.

And you know what you can do
with your John Wayne. What about John Wayne ?

Before you say anything,
let me warn you.

When you're talkin'
about the Duke,

you ain't just talkin'
about an actor.

You're talkin'
about the spirit that made America great.

Are you kiddin' ?

Is he-- is he--
ma.

Is he kidding ?

He'd lay down his life
for the Duke.

For me, no.
The Duke, yeah.

Anyway, daddy,
why can't you watch Jack lemmon with us ?

We watched John Wayne's
tv special with you. That was different.

The Duke's special
was all about America, and I mean the real America.

Oh. Oh.

Then it must have been all
about our racial problems.

Sing out, sweet land,
it was called, and it was beautiful.

The crisis in the cities.
He must've had a hundred stars with him.

The war in Vietnam.
Sing out, sweet land.

It was all about
what's good with America. It was all about John Wayne.

Well, John Wayne
is what's good with America. Is what's good with America.

I'll tell you something else,
wise guy.

You can take your Jack lemmons,
your Paul newmans and your marlo brandons,

you put 'em all together,
they ain't fit to hold the Duke's coat.

Any one of those guys
has got more brains in his little finger...

Than John Wayne's got
in his whole body.

Nuts to you.
You don't believe me ?

Maybe you'll believe
the Duke himself. What ?

Excuse me, young lady.
You just happen to be sitting here.

Would you be kind enough
to ask Mr. John Wayne the question ?

Mr. Wayne, is it true that
any one of those guys...

Got more brains
in his little finger...

Than you've got
in your whole body ?

[ Imitating John Wayne ]
I'm afraid so, ma'am.

Very, very funny.

Let me tell youse two
somethin'.

You got a very wharfed
sense of humor.

Here. I found
an old box of crunchies.

Well, have some.

Show the kids how it
pulls you out of a slump.

Gloria, I found these
with the groceries.

Oh, the air mail stamps.
They're for Michael. Oh, good.

I can mail my letter today,
it'll get to Washington by Monday.

Washington ?
Are you writing to Washington ?

That's right.
Michael wrote the president.

Writin' to the president ?
About what ?

All the things
we've been talking about--

the pollution of our air,
the pollution of our water,

the way us housewives
have no protection from foods without nutrition,

how they make products
with harmful things in 'em.

You saw what happened
to Michael from that shirt. [ Laughs ] He got a rash.

Wait a minute. You're writin'
to the president about that ?

You, Michael stivic, meathead,
you have the nerve...

To write to the president
of the United States about your rash ?

[ Sighs ]
Maybe he knows a good skin man.

I didn't write
about a rash.

It's like Gloria said.
I wrote about a lot of things--

pollution, race relations,
the war in Vietnam.

The war in Vietnam ?
You'd better let me see that letter.

This is sealed.
It's private and personal between the president and me.

I demand to know
the contents of that letter. It's between Nixon and me.

President Nixon.
What's wrong with plain "Nixon" ?

Look in the paper.
They do it all the time-- Nixon this, Nixon that.

That's their business,
but in this house we show the proper respect.

You don't like
"president Nixon," call him "Mr. Nixon."

Or tricky dicky.

What ?

You was callin' him that
eight years ago.

Eight years ago
he was a civilian,

who now happens to be
commander-in-chief of the United States.

And he's doin'
a good job of it too.

Let me tell you somethin',
wise guy.

Mr. Nixon didn't
get us into Vietnam, he inherited it,

just like he inherited
inflation and integration and pollution.

Or are you gonna tell me
that Mr. Nixon invented pollution ?

No. But what's he
doing about it ?

[ Mocking ]
"What's he doing about it ?"

Daddy, there isn't
a major city in this country...

Where the drinking water
isn't below safe standards.

Well, let me ask you this,
Washington, D.C. bein' one of your major cities--

would you say
the drinking water there is becomin' unsafe ?

Well, that's where
I got both of youse.

Because if the drinking water
in Washington, D.C. is becomin' unsafe,

do you think that Mr. Nixon
would let tricia drink it ?

You can't answer that, can you ?
[ Chuckles ]

I'll tell you somethin',
wise guy.

You see,
you don't understand your basic simplistics.

Your biggest problems
always burn themselves down to the human factor.

I mean to say
the president, after all, is only a man.

Right, and he's
in the wrong job.

Is that what you said to him
in that letter ? Give me that.

A pipsqueak like you,
you have the nerve to insult the commander-in-chief--

that's my return address
on there.

You're insultin'
president Nixon from my return address ?

You must have
a screw loose.

You left-wing, radical,
liberal, meatheaded polack !

Give me the letter !
You're not gettin' this. No, no !

Come on, daddy !
Oh, no !

Give me that letter !
It's my letter ! Oh, no !

Hold it !
Hold it !

This letter gets mailed
from this house over my dead body.

All right, Archie,
enough's enough. Just give me the letter.

You're tampering with
the United States mail, daddy. That's a federal offense.

So is
excitement to riot.

The letter--

the letter is not gonna
incite anyone to riot.

The letter
is between a citizen and his government.

I've heard you say it
a hundred times, Archie-- the government works for me.

That's right. I said,
"the government works for me." Not you, meathead.

The government works for
taxpayers and breadwinners...

And people who
contribute to society.

You're such a contributor,
why don't you write a letter to the president ?

Because I got nothin'
to beef about.

I knew
you'd cop out, daddy.

You just talk,
that's all. I'll tell you what I'll do--

the last time he wrote a letter
was to the phone company.

Edith, stifle yourself.
The language he used.

Edith, I said
stifle yourself.

And then he wouldn't
sign the letter. I wouldn't have neither.

Edith, I told you
to stifle yourself !

You gonna write
to the president ?

Yes, I am !
Good.

Then you can
mail your letter and let me mail mine.

Oh, no, no. You don't
get this letter to mail till I'm ready to mail mine.

- Mail 'em together.
- No, mine has to go into the mailbox before yours.

That way,
the president reads mine first, he'll be able to stomach yours.

Edith, uh,
get me our embossed personal stationery.

You know, with the initials
intertwined on the top.

Archie, we don't have
no writing paper like that.

Edith,
our personal stationery.

It was a gift from
that no-neck cousin of yours works for w.T. Grant.

You know,
a wedding present.

Oh, Archie,

for heaven's sake,
that was 22 years ago.

What difference does it make
how long ago it was, huh ?

You save everything else.
You certainly must have saved that.

Edith, I can't write to the
President of the United States unless I'm gonna do it right.

What are you
sharpening a pencil for ?

First draft.

Well, we got
ballpoint pens.

Ballpoint pens ? I can't
write to the president with ballpoint pens.

I need real ink.
Whatever happened to my waterman ?

Your waterman ?

Fifteen bucks.
Guaranteed to last me a lifetime.

It must be lastin'
somebody else's lifetime. We got ballpoint pens.

Look at this stationery.
"Hercules plumbing" ?

That's the company
I used to work for before we was married.

And you saved this, huh ?

And our embossed stationery
with the initials intertwined at the top,

there it is, gone.

Maybe it'll get
to the president faster...

If they think you own
a plumbing company.

You're a dingbat.

Let me get started.
You go over there and finish pastin' your tradin' stamps.

That's a good idea.
I got almost enough to fill another book.

If we get three
and a half books, I can buy that bathroom scale.

Edith, please.

I hope the kids are out.

Don't worry.
They went for a long walk.

Nobody's here
to bother you.

You'll have
absolute silence.

Perfect quiet.

Nobody goin'
back and forth.

Nobody talk-talk--

dear Mr. president,

your honor,

sir--

dear Mr. president,

your honor,

[ bang ]

Sir--
[ Two bangs ]

Will you stop
lickin' and bangin' over there ?

[ Bang ]
Oh, you're breakin' up my whole concentration !

Oh, I'm sorry.
What have you got down so far ?

"Dear Mr. president,
your honor, sir."

Yeah, go on.

How much more
do you expect me to do with you lickin' and bangin' over there ?

Here, I got a good idea.
You come over here. Come here.

Yeah, come on over.

Now, you sit down there...

And you write
what I dictate.

Oh, Archie,
oh, I don't know.

I'm too nervous.
It's to the president.

What are you
nervous about ?

I'm gonna do
the whole thing. Go ahead.

You just write
what I tell ya.

What do you got
there ? Nothin'.

What do you mean ?
I wrote a whole introduction.

"Dear Mr. president,
your honor, sir."

Oh, that--
that's lousy.

What ?
What you read.

That's what you wrote.
I know, but you read it so rotten !

I think
it was the words.

Read them same words
over again.

Read 'em with
a little feeling, huh ? Go ahead.

[ With feeling ]
"Dear Mr. president,

your honor, sir."

Yes !
Beautiful words.

I only hope Mr. Nixon
reads 'em that way.

Oh, Edith, please,
will ya !

It's tough enough writin'
a letter to the top man in the whole free world,

so just stifle your comments
and write what I tell ya.

Dear Mr. president,
your honor, sir,

uh, as one of your
faithful constitutionals,

I--

no, no, that's wrong.
That's wrong, that's wrong.

Uh, read it back to me
again.

[ With feeling ]
"Dear Mr. president--"

jump over that
and read the new stuff !

"As one of your
faithful constitutionals--"

wrong !
What ?

The word is wrong !
Why did you write it down ? [ Doorbell rings ]

There's somebody
at the door.

Go on, answer the bell.
Let me in there.

And no matter who it is,
we ain't home, huh ?

How am I gonna tell 'em
we ain't home if I'm standin' there talkin' to 'em ?

Try.

Good afternoon.
Oh, good afternoon, sister.

We're collecting money...

For the St. januarius
underprivileged children's hospital.

Oh, I think my husband
gave at the office.

Uh, we don't solicit aid
in commercial institutions.

Just neighborhoods,
families.

Oh, I see.

Archie, the sister
is collecting for the underprivileged children.

I gave at the office.

It must've been
a different nun. You do look alike.

Edith, come over here.
I need some help. I'm searching for a word.

He's searching
for a word.

Maybe the sister
could help you !

Ahh-- yeah.
Maybe she could at that.

Uh, uh, come on in, sister.
Step right in.

Get out of the way,
Edith.

Hi, sister.
I bet you was wonderin' what I was doing at the table.

No, actually I was--
well, in case you was wonderin' what I was doin'--

I wasn't.
Now, if you'll--

would you let me tell you
what I was doin' over there at the table ?

I was writin' a letter
to the president of the United States...

To fill him in on how
the people of this neighborhood are thinkin' and feelin'.

Yes, well, I'm sure
you know the feelings...

Of this particular
constituency.

That's the word.
Thank you, sister.

I gotta get back to work.

Edith, give the sister
a generous contribution.

Edith, just a minute.
Before you do, come over here.

Nothin' more
than half a buck.

No matter what they tell ya,
most of what you give 'em,

they buy golden candlesticks
with it.

Edith.

Edith, this is gonna be good.
You know that ?

Yeah.

I think Mr. Nixon
is gonna love this.

[ Man ] Ladies and gentlemen,
from the east room of the white house,

the president
of the United States.

[ Applause ]

[ Tv: President Nixon ]
My fellow Americans,

tonight I want to read you
a letter I've just received from a private citizen.

It starts, of course,
with a highly proper...

"Dear Mr. president,
your honor, sir."

Now let me make one thing
perfectly clear.

I love
that beginning.

This citizen writes,
and I quote:

"I personally don't agree
with all the 'confregration' on the college campuses...

"Or them ecology nuts...

"Who only see disaster
in this great country of ours.

"But like Duke Wayne would say,

"we came up off the mat before
when the goin' was tough,

"and I know so long
as we all work together,

"this nation under God...

"Shall not diminish
from the earth.

"Anyway, my regards
to your vice, Mr. agnew.

"And special regards...

"To Mrs. Nixon and tricia,

"who I know you wouldn't
let drink no water...

Exceptin' the best."

This terrific letter
was written by Mr. Archie bunker,

and in your president's
opinion,

Archie bunker is...

One... great... American.

[ Tv: Applause ]

[ Door opens ]
You finish your letter yet, daddy ?

You had enough time
to write the whole congress.

You keep your pants on,
hotshot.

This just might be
the best letter that was ever wrote to a president.

Good.
Let's go mail 'em. Oh, no, you don't.

If anybody mails these,
it's gonna be me. Why don't we both go ?

It's only a block.
We'll all go.

Yeah, I figured
we would.

Just imagine.

Two letters to the president
from one house.

That don't happen every day.
We'd better get going. Let's go.

Now, wait a minute.
Hold your horses, everybody.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, Archie, you go first.
Here.

Come on.
The last pickup is 4:30. We'll be late.

That was so thrilling.

Imagine, two letters
to the president...

From the same house.

Every American ought to
write to his president.

Yeah. It feels good
being a citizen.

It's wonderful
to be involved.

Archie.
Mmm ?

Did you jiggle ?
What ?

The mailbox.
You put the letters in.

Afterwards,
did you jiggle ?

Certainly I jiggled--

wait a minute.

I-- no, uh--

did either of youse two
jiggle ?

I didn't jiggle.
I thought you jiggled, daddy.

Well, I always did
all my life, but I don't know.

Edith, what do you think
we oughta do ?

I think
we'd better go jiggle.

Why didn't you jiggle,
meathead ? You put the letters in the box !

Can't I rely on you
to do nothin' right ? The man that mails, jiggles !

[ Archie ]

[ Edith ]

[ Archie ]

[ Archie, Edith ]

[ announcer ]
All in the family was recorded on tape before a live audience.

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