All language subtitles for A.Million.Ways.to.Die.in.the.West.2014.EXTENDED.CUT.1080p.BluRay.H264.AAC-RARBG

Some people are born into
the wrong time and place.

This was the American
frontier in 1882.

A hard land for hard folk.

Food was scarce,

disease was rampant,

and life was a daily
struggle for survival.

Hell, this was
Miss America in 1880.

Holy shit.

To build a home
and a life in this harsh,
unforgiving country

required that a man
be bold, fearless,
and tough as iron.

The men who were
courageous and resilient

were the men
who prospered.

But some men were
just big, giant pussies.

Well, well.

Surprised you
showed up, Stark.

Yeah, well, you said
you would kill my family

and burn my house down
if I didn't, so...

Draw.

Is there anything
at all that I can say

to get you
to call this off?

You yellow, Stark?

Oh, okay, well,
that's a little racist
to our hardworking friends

over here from
the Far East,
right, guys?

Draw, you son
of a bitch!

Look, I just feel like
if we can talk this out,
you know,

we can find a calm,
rational solution

and maybe we even
laugh about it one day.

I ain't in the mood
to laugh, Stark!

Look, there's
always humor in any...

Oh, hey, look.
This will make you laugh.
Look at our shadows.

It looks like our
shadows are about
to kiss each other.

Look at that.

Oh, wait, watch this.
Oh, my God, Charlie.
Oh, my God.

Thank you!
This is so generous
of you.

Oh, wow! This is...

What a terrific
guy you are.

We barely know each other,
but, hey, when it's right,
it's right, huh?

I'll give you a little tap
on the hat when
I'm good to go, okay?

Look, we're laughing, right?
We're laughing now.

What were we even
fighting about?

I can't remember.
Can you?

Your goddamn sheep
grazed up half
my ranch, Stark.

That grass ain't
never gonna grow back!

All right, look.
How about this?

I'll pay you the money
you lost, okay?

Just give me two days
to sell off

a few of my sheep
and I'll get you the money.

All right.
Just two days.

If I don't have that cash,
I'm coming after ya.

Okay, great.
Thank you so much
for your patience.

I really appreciate it.

And what a relief
for all these people

who came out here
hoping that we would

find an amicable
solution to this, huh?

Aw, somebody shoot
some fucker!

I took a half-day
off work for this!

Okay, I just want
to point out

that guy's an English
teacher at our school.

Just a little taste.

Albert. Albert,
are you okay, man?

Oh, God.

It's just a...
A graze I think.

You all right, Stark?

Oh, hey, Sheriff.

Hey, listen.
Thanks a lot.

I really appreciate
you stepping in

and stopping this deadly
altercation going on

right in front of
your office. That's great.

Not my place to
intervene, Stark.

I think a man ought to
fight his own battles.

You're the Sheriff.

That's right.

So the one thing
we're paying you to do,

like, the one function
you have in town,

you're saying everyone else
should do it?

Go see Dr. Harper
about that foot.

Hey, Dr. Harper!

Hello!

Albert, how are you?

Hey, Doc, listen, I was...

Holy shit.

Oh, don't worry about this.
I'm just in the middle
of surgery.

I can come back if, uh...

No, no, no.
She's gonna be out
for quite a while.

Mrs. Callaghan.
The poor woman,

her stomach devil
was about to explode.

I had to take it out.

Her appendix?

That's the fella.

Well, what's your trouble?

Uh, it's a bullet graze.
I just need it checked out.

Yeah, I heard
you turned yellow
on Charlie Blanche.

Let's...
Let's have a look.

Mmm.

You're, uh...
You're not big on the
hand-washing, are you?

Ooh, that is a nasty one.

We may have to
take that off,

otherwise you might wind up
with a case of toe-foot.

Okay, I don't think
that's a real thing,

and second of all,
it's a graze, Doc.

I'm not gonna let you
take my foot off.

Well, suit yourself.

But I've seen toe-foot
turn into knee-leg
in less than a week.

Just a dressing, thanks.

I mean,
that should have been
the end of it, right?

I mean, I tell him
I'll pay him off,

we go our separate ways,
and that's it.

But, no, he shoots me
in the fucking leg.

I mean, it's just a graze,
but come on, look at that.

What?

You should have
fought him.

I should have
fought him?

You're serious.

Louise! My God!
The guy is one of
the best shots around.

I look like I have
Parkinson's next to him.
What is that?

It's just another way
God mysteriously shows
that He loves us.

But, look, it would
have been suicide
to fight that guy.

Albert, I'm breaking
up with you.

What?

Yeah. I'm sorry.

I got shot today.

I know.

Wait, wait, wait.
Hang on a sec.

Louise, where is
this coming from?

Is this because
of the gunfight?

No, I've actually
been feeling this way
for a while.

You're a great guy.
I just...

I realized that

I want something else.

Something else?
Louise, it's been
a year and a half!

Look, I know
I'm just a sheep farmer,
but I'm saving money...

Yeah, but you're
not even a good
sheep farmer, Albert.

Your sheep
are everywhere.

The one thing
a sheep farmer
has to do

is keep all of his sheep
in one place, all right.

I went to your farm
the other day,

and I saw one
in the backyard,

three way up
on the ridge,

two in the pond,
and one on the roof.

Okay, that's Bridget,
all right?

She has a problem
with retardation,
but she's full of love.

Look, we're getting off
track here, all right?

Why don't you
just tell me
what the problem is

and then maybe
I can fix it?

Maybe if I were older,

the timing
would be right.

But people are living
to be 35 these days

and a girl doesn't
have to just go off

and get married
right away.

I just, I have to...

I have to work on myself.

Oh, my God.

You did not
just say that.
What?

"I have to work
on myself."

Louise, that's the
oldest line in the book.

You realize that.

You know what,
it's okay, though.

It's all right.
I know why
you're saying it.

It's because you
don't want to tell me
that I'm the problem.

Goodbye, Albert.

Goodbye? Wait.
Louise. Louise!

I love you.

I'm sorry.

Yeah!
Oh, come on, come on!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

You like me
fucking you, don't you?

I do.
It's really terrific.

Yeah! Oh!
Ah! Yeah!
Oh...

Ah...

Hi, Edward.

Hi, Millie.

You waiting for Ruth?

Yeah, I got off work early,
so I thought I'd take
her out for a picnic.

It sounds like she's
just about done up there.

Shoot that
dirty cowboy cum
all over my face!

Do I look okay?

Yeah, you look good.

You look good.
Oh, good.

Say, Edward, do you mind
if I ask you something?

Uh, yeah, sure.

You're okay with
your girlfriend screwing
15 different guys every day

and getting paid
to do it?

Well, my job sucks, too.

I know. But, I mean,
you repair shoes.

Eddie!

Oh, hi, sweetie.

What are you doing here?

Well,
I got off work early

and I thought
we could go for a walk
by the stream.

Oh.
Oh...

Oh, your breath is,
uh...

Ooh! Ooh.

I had to give
a blowjob. Sorry.
Oh, that's okay.

It's okay. Here,
I got you some flowers.

They're beautiful!
Yeah, come on.

Don't I have
the best boyfriend,
Millie?

Honestly, I have
no fucking idea.

Bye!

Oh, hey, Ruthie,
Clyde Hodgkins wanted to
come by a little later on.

What did he want?

I think he wants anal.

Oh, honey, we can afford
to get you that
new belt for church!

Oh, that would be great!

I know!

So, like, 5:30?
Does that work?

Ah, that should work.
Yeah.

Well, what time
is his appointment?

Uh, it's really not
like a dentist's office
here, Edward.

You know,
he'll just come by

when he feels like
putting his penis
inside an asshole.

Yeah, so we'll
just say 5:30.

Okay.

Oh, shit.

You're late.

For what?

Fair enough.

Albert.

Hey, guys.

We heard about Louise.

That's horrible.

We're so sorry, Albert.

Do you want to sit down?

I'm good.
I'm gonna rest
my asshole.

I was just looking
at these old pictures
of me and Louise.

This is from the carnival.

Oh, yeah.

There's
the town picnic.

Oh.

This is
the square dance.

I almost wish
you could smile
in photographs.

Louise has such
an amazing smile.

That'd be weird.
Huh?

Have you ever smiled
in a photograph?

No, have you?
Oh, God, no.

No, you'd look like
an insane person.

But, it's just, you know,
I've been sitting here

trying to figure
out how the hell

I could have
screwed this up.

I did everything
for her.

If she was happy,
I was happy.

That's all I cared about.

And she was
the one thing that
made the shootings,

and the diseases,
and the wild animals,
and the Indians,

and the general
depressing awfulness
about the West

bearable.

God, I love her so much.

You're gonna
make me cry.

Let's get fucked up.
Yeah.

So, what are
you gonna do?

Uh...

I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

Commit suicide, maybe.

Albert, I know
everything seems
hopeless right now,

but I promise you,
there's so much
to live for.

Really? Is there?

What is there to live
for on the frontier
in 1882? Huh?

Look, let me
tell you something.

We live in
a terrible place
and time.

The American West
is a disgusting, awful,
dirty, dangerous place.

Look around you.

Everything out here
that's not you
wants to kill you.

Outlaws, angry drunk
people, scorned hookers,
hungry animals,

diseases, major
and minor injuries,
Indians, the weather.

You can get killed
just going
to the bathroom.

I take my life in my hands
every time I walk out
to my outhouse.

There's fucking
rattlesnakes all
in the grass out there.

And even if I make it,
you know what can kill me?

Cholera.
You know cholera?

The Black Shit.
The Black Shit.

The latest offering
in the frontier's
disease-of-the-month club.

And even if you survive
all those things,

you know what else
can kill you?

The fucking doctor.
The doctor can kill you.

I had a cold
a couple of years ago.
I went in there.

You know what
he said to me?
He goes,

"Oh, you need
an ear nail."

A nail in my fucking ear.

That is modern
medicine for you.

"Yeah, Doc,
I have a fever of 102."

"Oh, you need
a donkey kickin'."

You know our pastor
has shot two people?
Our pastor.

No, no.
No.

Honest to God.
Shot a guy in a duel

and then went back
and killed the guy's
teenage son

because he was afraid
he would kill him
out of revenge.

Wait, how do you
know that?

Because he did
a whole fucking
sermon about it!

A lesson about
seeing things through.

By the way, look at this.
See those guys over there?

The guys who work
in the silver mines?
See what they're eating?

Ribs doused in hot sauce.

They eat hot spicy foods
every meal of the day.

Do you know why?

Because their palates
are so completely
fucking dulled

from inhaling poisoned gas,
12 hours a day,
down in the mines.

That's all they can taste.

You know what
that kind of diet
does to your guts?

Constipation, cramps,
dyspepsia, liver disease,

kidney disease,
hemorrhoids,
bowel inflammation.

They literally die
from their own farts.

And, oh, oh, you want
to see more death?

All we got to do
is get up and walk
out the front door.

That is our mayor.

He is dead.

He has been lying there,
dead, for three days.

No one has done a thing.

Not moved him,
not looked into his death,

not even replaced him
with a temporary appointee.

For the last three days,
the highest-ranking
official in our town

has been a dead guy.

Oh! Look at that!
Look at that!

Wolves are dragging
the body away as if
to illustrate my point!

Bye! Bye, Mr. Mayor!

Bye! Have fun becoming
wolf shit! Bye!

God!

That, my friends,
is the American West.

A disgusting, awful,
dirty cesspool of despair,
and fuck all of it.

Why don't you shut up?

You shut up!

Mmm, mmm...

Ow! Ruth.
Jesus Christ.

Stop it.
Okay, fine.

At least have Dr. Harper
take a look at it tomorrow.

If you could hear
yourself right now.

You know what's gonna happen
if I go to Dr. Harper

and I say,
"Take a look at that"?

He's gonna say, "Oh,
that looks like it hurts.

"Let me give you a blue jay
to peck out the blood."

Maybe you should...

I don't know,
maybe you should try
to talk to Louise.

That's a great idea.
Yeah?

That's the jackpot.
That's the jackpot!
Huh?

I still got it!
Okay.

I have good
ideas sometimes.

I didn't mean now!

Hey, hey, dude,
you really shouldn't
drink and horse.

No. No. No.
No. No. No.

Yeah, there you...
Okay.

Okay, Curtis.
Curtis, buddy,

I'm gonna be right back.
I'll be right back, okay?

Or not!

No, that's being
too ambitious.

Hey. Hey.

Albert, what the hell
are you doing?

Louise, we need to talk.

It's 1:30 in the morning.
We need to talk.

And we need
to talk tonight.
What happened to your face?

I got in a fight
with an animal that
I could not identify.

Okay, you're drunk.

I'm a smucks-dinnin' drunk.

I don't know what
you want from me,
but it's late.

I gotta go.
Louise! Louise!

Louise, please,
listen to me.
I love you, okay?

I love you.

And I just think
if we talked this out

that we can get
somewhere and fix it.

Look, Albert,
you gotta go.

I'm sure you're right
for somebody else,
just not for me.

Okay?

Good night.

Wait, let me
just touch you.

You're being
a fucking jerk!

Okay, I'll talk
to you tomorrow.

You know what?
I heard you fart once.

And it went...

And it was a sharp one.

A little
sharpie poop-toot.

And I heard...

You know what
I'm gonna get with
this gold, Plugger?

You know what
I'm gonna get you?

I'm gonna get you
a big old stack
of fresh-cut steaks.

I bet you'd like that.

What? What's the
matter with...

Settle down, boy.

Come on, boy, hey!
Quiet down, Plugger!

Whoa, mule!

Howdy, folks.

Howdy.

What can I do
for you fellas?

Well, we're riding through
to Sherman Creek.

Be obliged if
you could tell us
the shortest route.

Oh, yeah, I can
help you with that.

I got a map right here.

Yes, sir.

Oh.

You're on the
main road now.

And the main road goes
right through Bullhead

and straight through
to Sherman Creek.

But if you want
the quickest way,

I'd take Bilbee Pass.

Safer, too. Less chance
of bandits and such.

Thank you.

You can keep that.
Oh.

Uh, one more thing
you might do for us.

What's that?

You could show us the gold.

Gold?

I ain't got no gold.

I wish.

Been prospecting up there,
but that stream's
about panned out.

Old Plugger and I
done give it up.

We're going on
back into town.

Aye.
You see, that's...
That's just it.

You're heading back
to town in the middle
of the day.

A prospector
only does that when
he's found gold to sell.

Show it to me.

No, I swear
to you, mister.

I ain't got no gold.

We're just going
into town to get some...

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

Hold on, let me
think here a minute.
You do that.

I might just have
a little bit of gold.

Yeah, here it is.
I forgot all about it.

Here, take it.

Pick up your gun.

What?

Well, I'm not just
gonna take your gold.
That'd be stealing.

You know what, old timer?
We'll shoot for it.

Clinch.
Shut up.

You just
take the gold, okay?

Only a thief
would do that.

Are you calling me
a thief, old timer?

No, no, no!

Then pick up your gun.

That's it.

Now point it at me.

We shoot on three.

One.

Two.

God damn it, Clinch!

You didn't have
to shoot him!

I know I didn't
have to, sweetheart.

He would've
given you the gold!

The point is I had
to ask him twice.

I'm a busy man
with a schedule.

You're a son of a bitch
is what you are.

Don't you ever
say that to me
in front of my men.

A man's wife
will respect him.

Now, let's try
that again.

Oh, my God,
I love you.

I'm, like, the luckiest
girl ever in
the history of girls.

That's it.
Now, mount up.

Hey, Clinch.

Take a look.

You'd lose half a day
going through Bullhead.

You, Enoch
and Jordy will ride with me.

We'll take Bilbee Pass
to Sherman Creek Trail.

And make no mistake
about the kind of heat
we're going to draw

after we take that stage.

Anna, I'm gonna keep
you out of harm's way.

Lewis, you take Anna
and ride east

and hole up here
in, uh, Old Stump.

You got that?

We'll let things cool

for a wee bit
and then we'll come
for you in 12 days.

Come on, boy.

Come on, Plugger.
Come on! Yeah!

Good boy!
Let's go!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Well, look who's up at
2:00 in the afternoon.

There's still some pig ass
and sweet cream
there if you want it.

I'm gonna use
the outhouse. Um...

If I die out there,
will you guys
just do me one favor?

Just once,
I want you
to switch seats.

Fuck off.

Okay.

Oh.

Ah, Edward, hey.
What's going on?

Oh, my God.
Albert, you look terrible!

Oh, wow, there's that
confidence boost I need.

Thanks a lot.
How you doing, buddy?

Well, honestly,
I'm a little worried
about you.

I haven't seen you in town
in a week and a half

and, you know, it seems
like you're just staying in
and sleeping all day.

No, I don't stay home
all day. I go out.

You know what
I did on Tuesday?

I went out to
Charlie Blanche's ranch

and I paid him
the money I owe him

so he won't shoot me
in the fucking face.

I did that.
That's going out.

Well, that's not really
what I'm talking about.

Okay, look.
Here's the truth,
all right?

I just feel like
I need to stay here
with my parents.

They're not gonna
be around much longer

and I just want to
be able to give back
all the love and affection

that I got growing up.

You know?
Right, guys?

Ow!

Oh, you getting the
fart needles again, Dad?

Never mind
what I'm getting!

I love him so much!

Albert, I know you're taking
this breakup really hard,
and I understand,

but you got to get
out of this funk.

I mean, you haven't
shorn your sheep in weeks.

Look, you don't know
what this is like,
all right.

With all due respect,
you have no fucking clue
what this is like.

All right?
You're going home
every night

to your girlfriend
who loves you.

You're having sex
with her, and you...
Ah...

No, Ruth and I have...
We've never done that.

What do you mean you've...

You've never
had sex with Ruth?

Yeah. No, no. Yeah.

Wait, doesn't she have
sex with, like, 10 guys
every day at the whorehouse?

On a slow day, yeah.

But you guys
have never had sex?

No. No, Ruth
wants to wait until
we get married.

You know,
she's a Christian
and so am I,

and we want
to save ourselves
for our wedding night.

Edward, have you...
Have you ever had
sex with anyone?

Well, there was
some shit with my uncle,
but that was...

You know, it's really hard
to remember all that stuff.

You know, yeah,
you're right.

Things could be
a lot worse.

Yeah.

Um, I'll get out,
I'll meet some people.
Yeah, thanks.

Okay.

Ow! That came out
of my penis!

Hi.

Hello.

You looking at cloth?

Yeah.

Hey, um,
you ever tried gum?

No.

It's cool, actually.
It's this new thing
that just came out.

A lot of people
are doing it.

It's, um...

Helps you pass the time.

Okay. Well, have
a good rest of your day.

No, I'm sorry.
Listen...

I'm a little out
of practice here.

That's why I'm
coming off awkward.

I would love
to take you out.

Mmm?

Are you busy Sunday?
Are you doing
anything Sunday?

You know, I don't...
I don't really know
my plans yet.

Well, 'cause they're gonna
be delivering a big block
of ice into town,

and it should be
pretty cool to watch,

actually. You don't
usually get to see
that much ice

all in one place
at one time.

Wait, aren't you
the guy that backed
out of that gunfight?

Yeah, I mean, that was
like a mutual thing.
It was...

I don't remember
which one of us
said it first.

It didn't look very mutual.

You seemed to leave.

Uh, so you were there?

Yeah. Pretty much
the whole town was there.

Whole town, wow.
That's... Makes me
a pretty popular guy.

Yeah...
No, it doesn't, actually. No.

Yeah, like
you're so popular.

Actually, I was
voted prom queen.

Yeah, how many girls
were in your class?
Like three?

Six.
Oh, actually,
that's a lot.

Yeah.
Yeah.

So, tell me about
your family.
What do your parents do?

Well, my dad
owns a business

that manufactures
brass light fixtures
for upscale hotels.

Oh, wow, really?

No, he's a fucking
railroad builder,

like every other
Chinaman out here.

Oh. Sorry.

That first one was
so specific, I thought...

But I bet he's a neat guy,
though, yeah?

Gosh, I wouldn't know,

I never see him.

You know how many
hours he works?

All the live-long day?

Come on, it's a joke.

So, um, I know this
is totally acceptable
out here on the frontier,

but, uh, I'm not
gonna lie to you,

something about it
feels a little weird.

My mother says
I need to find a husband,

so I don't become
an old maid.

I actually just remembered,

I have a super early
morning tomorrow.

Uh, so I may have to split.

Sir, can we get
the check, please?

Do you wanna reschedule
for some time next week?

Uh, I can't...
You know, I'm actually
out of town next week.

Oh.
Yeah.

I have a sheep convention

that I have to go to
in Santa Marga...

It's a small town still
being built. They haven't
finished the name. But...

I hate my schedule.
Um, sir?

So, can I interest you
and your girlfriend
in some dessert?

Oh, this is
not my girlfriend.

Oh.
We're fine though,
thank you.

Why were you such
a dick about that?

What? What did I say?

"She's not my girlfriend."

What, do I embarrass
you or something?

No. This is
a first date, though.

I just think
the word "girlfriend"
is a bit much.

Well, excuse me.
I'm sorry you're
feeling smothered.

I'm starting
to see why you don't
have a husband.

You got a lot of
energy, don't you?
Uh-huh.

Ow! What the hell?
You just bit my tongue!

Ow! Jesus!

What the fuck is
wrong with you?

Oh, come on,
don't be a pussy.

I'm not a pussy.
I just don't like hitting.

Ow! What the fuck!

Oh, are you ticklish?

Oh, you are!
What do you mean?
Ahh! No! God damn it!

Oh, you are!
No! Stop, stop. Evelyn, stop!

Oh, shit. Shit!

Albert, is that you?

Uh, yeah. Sorry, Dad.

Your mother died
this afternoon.

Merciful God,

take this good woman
into thine heavenly kingdom,

where she may find peace
and freedom from
her earthly suffering.

You know, Elsie Stark,
she eschewed the
pleasures of this earth.

I'm really sorry, Albert.

She had a full life.

You know, when she was
born, all of this was
just dusty desert plain

as far as
the eye could see.

And now look at it.

We got the sod house
over there.

You know, I've seen
old photographs of that plain
without the sod house,

and it's really weird

'cause it's like
you recognize it,
but it's really different.

But it's the same,
but it's just really weird.

Yeah.

She once bit
a rattlesnake in two.

When I asked why,
she simply said,

"Well, I wanted to bite him
before he bit me."

Hey, how you doing,
Dad? You okay?

She was a good,
solid woman.

I liked her.

Easy, Dad, I'm uncomfortable
with so much emotion.

I'm sorry I couldn't
save her, Albert.

She had a splinter, Doc,
what the hell were
you supposed to do?

Ashes to ashes,
dust to dust.

Hey, we got
a couple more here.

Yeah, can we get in
on this grave?

Yeah, sure.
Yeah, go ahead.

Much obliged.

Thanks.

Man, I see
kids everywhere with
those stick hoops lately.

I know. Me, too.

It's got to be bad
for their brains, right?

Yeah, it stunts
their attention span.

I read an article
in the paper.

Yeah, I saw that.
It's like they lose
the power to innovate

because they're staring
at the stick hoop all day.

Let me tell you something.
When intellectual progress

comes to a screeching halt
20 years from now,

you can thank
the stick hoop.

Yeah.
That's about right.

Edward, Edward.

Holy shit.

Fucking Foy.

She told me she didn't
want to see anybody.

She told me she had
to work on herself.

Look at that.

Oh, my God.
Fucking Foy!

The owner of
the Moustachery.

Oh, look at that.
He's kissing her.

- He's frenching her.
- Fucking Foy!

Maybe you should
grow a moustache.

No, I can't afford it.

The creams, the waxes,
the lotions.

I don't have the money.

Fucking Foy!

Hey, Albert,
maybe we should
just go to church.

It'll make you
feel a lot better.

Church is not gonna...

Oh, hey, look!
It's the ice!

Why is it so big?

So it doesn't melt.

Oh.

That's so neat.

I know. It's actually
really interesting
how they do it.

It's this one company
out in Boston

that basically
cuts it in big blocks

from frozen lakes
and ponds, and they
just ship it all over the...

Oh! Oh...

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

That went south so fast!

Oh! Oh!

And make
no mistake, my children.

There shall be swift
and righteous justice
on all free grazers.

No more shall
they nibble wantonly

at the teat of our coffers.

And that's just exactly
like that part in the Bible

that applies
to that situation.

I would also like to offer
a heartfelt prayer

to the family
of James Addison,

who was killed
this morning

while unloading
the ice shipment.

James, we will think
of you lovingly this July

as we sip the cold
summer beverages

for which
you gave your life.

They're still gonna
use the fucking ice.

Now, before we end
this morning's service,

I would like to welcome
two new members
to our community.

Lewis Barnes
and his sister, Anna.

They've just moved here
to Old Stump

and they plan
to build a farm.

And we wish them
all the luck.

Well, that concludes
today's service.

So, may God bless you
for another week

and there is a mountain lion
warning in effect.

Hi.

Hey, you.

So, the fair's
coming up...
Mmm?

...and I was thinking
that we could go
dress shopping later.

I was thinking
you need a new dress.

Something expensive?

Stupidly expensive!

Okay.

Oh, Jesus. Wow.

Hi, Albert.

Hello.

What's up, kiddo?
Never seen you
in here before.

Just browsing.

Yeah.

You don't have
a moustache, though.

No, I know.
I was thinking
about growing one.

I'm sorry,
I can't...

I said I was thinking
about growing one.
Oh.

Excuse me, I have to
use the powder room.

And just what
kind of moustache
are you looking to grow?

Um, a big one.

Like one of those
ones that goes down

along the side
of my mouth,

and then goes up
the edge of my jaw,

and then becomes
my sideburns,

and then becomes my hair.

A Möbius moustache.

Möbius moustache,
that's the one.

Yeah. Um...

You should know
that kind of moustache

is a very costly
facial accessory.

Yeah, I know that.

Well, you're
a sheep farmer.

Let me ask you something.
You feel good about
what you're doing?

What exactly am I doing?

Stealing a guy's girlfriend.
That's what you're doing.

You feel good about that?

Hey, Louise
dumped you, my friend.

It's not my fault
she wanted someone
with more to offer.

I can give her
a lavish home.

Warm blankets,
wrapped candies.

Can you say
the same, Albert?

Can you give Louise
wrapped candies?

You know what?
Fuck you, man.

Yeah, that's what
she's doing.

Oh, hey, sweetie.

Hi!

Hi, Mark.
Hey, Ed.

Wow! What a long day!

Oh, what happened?

Oh, gosh! Well, like,
this one man wanted
me to smoke a cigar

and then ash on his balls
while I'm jerking him off,

and I'm like, "What?
Can I do all that?"

Yeah.

You know, uh, Ruth,
I've been thinking.

About what?

Well, I love you.

Well, I love you, too.

And we've been together
for a long time.

Wh...

What do you think
about us spending
the night together?

You mean having sex?

Maybe not right away,
you know?

We could maybe
lie together for
the first couple of times

and see how it feels,
and then go from there.

But, Eddie,
we're Christians.

I know we're Christians

and I want to do
the correct thing
in the eyes of the Lord.

But if we really do
love each other,

don't you think God
would be okay with it?

I don't know.

I mean, you're talking
about pre-marital relations.

Oh! You've got
a little thing right here.
I'll get it.

Oops. Oopsie.

Thank you.
Oh.

That's it, I'm out.

What?

I'm done. I'm leaving.
I'm going to San Francisco.

What, are you serious?
Because of Louise?

Yes, I'm serious.
And, yes, it is
because of Louise.

I don't know how
I lasted this long.

I hate the frontier,
I hate everything in it.

Well, what am I gonna do?
I'm your best friend.

I know. That's...
That's why I want you
to have these.

Albert, these are
your favorite socks.

Yeah.

And I want you
to have that.

Edward, this is your
lucky handkerchief.

Yeah.

It's sticky.

Well, hello to you, too!

James, I found
the friendly locals.

So he said,
"Why don't you go
blow your own horse?"

Hey, watch it, pal.

I think you owe
me a drink, fella.

The hell I do.

You best watch
where you stand.

I don't think
you heard me.

I'm thirsty.

Then why don't you
go on down the river
and take a dunk?

Last chance, kid.

Oh, shit!

Albert, hurry!
Get in position!

We got our own thing
going on over here.

Yeah, nobody needs
to get in on this.

We're both getting
hurt pretty badly.

Nobody needs
to come over here.

This fight is way more
violent than yours...

All those
other guys' fights.

Oh!

You actually hit me!

I'm so sorry.

You fucker!

I put a new move
in there.

You don't just put
a new move in.

That's why we have
the meetings.

That's where it hurts.
Like, right there.

Like, right
underneath my eye.

Yeah, there's
a little red spot.

Ow! Careful,
it's tender.

Thank you.
Sure.

Shit. Come on.

Whoa!

Sorry about that.

It's kind of a regular
occurrence around here.

Really?
Yeah.

Hey, pretty fast
hands back there.

Oh...
I guess you're
a real hero.

Me? No,
I'm not the hero.

I'm the guy in
the crowd making fun
of the hero's shirt.

That's who I am.
Oh.

Hey, look who's here.
Who's this?

This is Plugger.

Hey, Plugger.

So, that... That was your
brother in there, huh?

Yeah, Lewis.
He's always been
a little rambunctious.

Yeah, he seems
like a great guy.
I'm Albert, by the way.

Anna.

You guys just
got into town?

Yeah.

Welcome to
our awesome town.

Thanks.

Lewis and I just came
out from Kansas City.

Oh, Kansas.

No, it's in Missouri.

Oh, right.
That's annoying
and weird.

We were wanting
a change,

so we came out
to the frontier looking
to build a farm.

Oh, that's what I do.
Really?

Yeah, I got a farm
about 2 miles from here.

Oh, cattle?

Uh, no, sheep.

Oh.
Yep.

Well, that's got to
be fulfilling work,
though, right?

Ah, yeah,
it's great.

It's like being a
dog walker for 150
really stupid dogs.

- Oh, shit, Plugger!
- Oh, my God!

Plugger, give it to me.
Jesus, what is that?

It's the mayor.

Oh, shit!

Sorry about that.

Ah.

I assume this is
why the town is
called Old Stump.

This is the
very same stump
in Old Stump.

Yeah.

When they built the town,
they had to cut down
this big tree

and they couldn't
move the stump.

They didn't have
any dynamite and they
ran out of black guys,

so they just had to
leave it here, in the
middle of the street.

Well, why couldn't they
just build the town
50 feet that way?

So, why would you come
to the western frontier
from Kansas City?

I mean, this is
a shithole out here.

I don't know,
I think it's
kind of exciting.

Everything's so new
and unpredictable.

That is true. Yeah,
nothing is what
it seems out here.

Like, see that building,
right there?

Like, what do you
think is in there?

Oh, my God.
It could be anything.

We don't know.

This whole place has such
an air of mystery about it.

I'm getting the sense
you're kind of
a negative guy.

Yes, I'm kind of
a negative guy.

Look where I live,
for God's sake.

By the way,
here's a fun fact

about the American West
in 1882.

You receive
the same punishment

if you're a horse thief
or a retarded newborn.

They hang
retarded newborns?

Yep, as a warning
to others.

I shit you not.

Jesus.

But it's not gonna be
my problem anymore.

I'm leaving tomorrow.

You are?
Yeah.

Where are you going?

San Francisco,
civilization.

Well, I guess you
got to do what makes
you happy, right?

Yeah, well, happy
is a tall order, but,

you know,
this will at least
make me not dead.

Could it be you're also
a guy with a broken heart?

Since you brought it up,
can I unload
all my shit on you?

So, how did
you guys meet?

Uh, she moved to town
a couple years ago

to take over
the schoolmarm job.

Our old schoolmarm
got her throat slit by
a fast-moving tumbleweed.

Oh, my God!
Yeah.

In front of
the kids?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.
All of them.

Let me help you.

That is just
painful to watch.

And, you know,
it's like the whole time
we were together

I just remember thinking,

"How can I possibly
be this happy?

"She likes me now,

"but one day,
she is gonna figure out

"that she is
too good for me."

And then one day,
she did.

I feel like I finally
tricked one girl into
falling in love with me

and then I lost her.

I think you have
this whole thing
upside down.

I mean, it sounds like
you've bent over
backwards for this girl,

but what has
she given you back?

I told you,
she allowed me
to be happy

in a part of the world
that is otherwise
a living hell.

"Allowed"? Wow.

That's kind of fucked up
that you would
use that word.

You know that, right?

All I know is that
there is nothing
for me out here

if I don't have her.

Well,

if this Foy guy is
that much of a douche,

she'll figure it out
if she's smart.

Sometimes a girl has
to get a few assholes
out of her system

before she realizes
what a good guy
looks like.

Mmm. Maybe.

Ah!
You okay?

This is actually
my first cigarette ever.

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit.
Diamondback.

It's a diamondback,
yeah.
Fuck.

It's okay,
just hold perfectly still,
and it'll go away.

Okay, okay.

I don't think you
should leave tomorrow.

At least stay through
the weekend.

Isn't the fair
on Saturday?

Oh, fuck that.
I'm not going
to the stupid fair.

Louise is gonna be there,
and she's gonna be with Foy.

I don't want to
put myself through

that kind of
fucking aggravation.

Yeah, well,
I'll go with you.

No better way to
make your ex-girlfriend
want you back more

than to let her see
you with another girl.

I don't know.

Especially a
smoking-hot girl.

When she sees me,
she'll be intimidated
as fuck.

Oh, you're very
modest, I see.

I'm a little cocky.
But I got great tits.

Oh!
Sorry. Sorry, sir.

Sorry, sir.
Sorry, sir.

Barnes, wake up.
Brought you a visitor.

You stupid son
of a bitch.

You shot
the pastor's son.

You realize they're probably
gonna hang you for this?

Who gives a fuck
what they want?

When Clinch gets
into town, it's not gonna
matter what they do.

He'll bust me out

and anyone who
tries to stop him
is gonna be a dead man.

You know,
one of these days

there's gonna be a man
who's faster than Clinch

and tougher,
and stronger.

And then Clinch is
gonna be the dead man.

And I'm gonna smoke
a fucking cigar
to celebrate.

I don't think
Clinch would like you
talking about him that way.

Not a nice thing
for a man's wife to say
about her husband.

Yeah, well,

let's see if he gets here
before you find yourself
at the end of a rope.

Tick-tock.

Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no!

Guys, no, no, no.

Andrew, Jonathan, no.
Go, go, go. Go home.

Hey, sheep boy.

Hey.

Jesus, are you okay?
I heard about your
brother getting arrested.

Yeah, I'm fine.
And listen, Albert.

Don't worry about
Lewis, okay?

Anything that happens
to him right now
is his own fault. Got it?

Yeah. Whatever
you say, sure.

Good. Let's hit this fair,
because you know
what I wanna do?

Eat hot food in
100-degree weather?

No, get my picture taken.
I've never done it before.

That's horse shit.
No, it's the truth.

No, that's horse shit.
Whoa! Oh,
that is horse shit.

Okay. All right.

Okay, everybody
hold still!

You know, supposedly,
there's some guy in Texas

who smiled one time
while he was getting
his picture taken.

Shut the fuck up.
Are you serious?

We were just talking
about that last week.
Is that true?

I don't know. I mean,
I heard it somewhere.
I don't know if it's true.

Yeah, it sounds like
the kind of bullshit
somebody would make up.

So, we know what
kinda girl you like.

What kinda girl
do you not like?
What do you mean?

Like, what's the worst
quality for you
in another person?

That's an interesting
question.

Meat?

Meat?
Oh, no thanks.

You know that
deal-breaker thing

that you just absolutely
cannot tolerate.

For me,
it's tobacco chewing.

I mean, I don't care
how much a guy smokes,

but if he chews,
forget it.

There's no way
I'm kissing that.

And he's definitely
not going down on me.

That's a beautiful sentiment.
You should stitch that
into a pillow.

Oh, I have.

It's all embroidered
and fancy, and it says,

"Don't go snackin'
if you've been tobaccin'."

Yeah.
That's... That's perfect.

So, what about you?

All right, you're gonna
think this is kinda
fucked up because it is.

Um, I can't handle it
when a girl looks
like her dad.

Okay. That's...

Yeah.
I know, I know.
Why?

Because
when I'm dating a girl
and I meet her parents,

and it turns out
that she looks like him,

and I see, like,
all the matching
facial features

and the bone structure
and what not.

From then on,
when I'm kissing her,

I'm just very aware
that I'm kissing the dad's
facial geography, you know,

and it just has
a slightly gay feeling.

I'm surprised
your girlfriend left you.

Okay. Everybody
hold still.

Oh, my God!
Holy shit!

Hold still!

God! This fucking fair!

Every year, something
like this happens.

Every year,
people die.

Really?
Every year.

Last year, there were
two gunfights,

there was a knife fight,
a stage collapsed,

there was a drowning,
and the Indians attacked.

God, why are the Indians
always so mad?
I don't know.

I mean, we're basically
splitting this country
50-50 with them.

They're just selfish.

Ladies and gentlemen!

Step right up,
step right up!

Try a sample of...

Sir and madam, may I
divert your attention

over here just
for a moment?

Welcome, welcome.
Can I interest you
in a miracle cure?

I have only
the finest healing
tonics and elixirs

procured from
the farthest corners
of the globe.

"Ogden's Celebrated
Stomach Bitters."

Can I just ask,
celebrated by who?

Who's celebrating
about stomach bitters?

God. Look at
the ingredients.

"Cocaine, alcohol, morphine,
mercury with chalk."

What the hell is
"mercury with chalk"?

Science!

And "red flannel."

Red flannel?
There's shirt in here?

Pieces of shirt.

Okay, thank you
very much.

Would you like to try?

- Oh, my God.
- What?

That's them.
That's them.

Quick, pretend
you just said
something funny to me.

Oh, my God! You are...
You are so hilarious!

Where do you come up...
No, shit!

You pretend I said
something funny.

Albert, stop. Stop.

Just introduce me.
Come on.

I'm not gonna
introduce you...

Oh, hi!
Hey.

Uh, Foy and Louise,
right?

Mmm-hmm.
That's right.

Uh, this is Anna.
She's...

I'm his girlfriend.
She's my girlfriend.

Mmm-hmm.
She's the new GF.
Big time.

A lot of sexual activity.

All the time.
I live inside her.

So, if you want
to send me a letter,

you gotta address it
care of her vagina.

Yep.

I have that skirt.

Oh, you do?
Mmm-hmm.

Yeah, I wore it
to the fair, like,
two years ago.

But good for you for
trying to bring it back.

Well, I figure only
a complete idiot

would throw away
a perfectly good thing.

We were gonna go
check out the shooting
gallery over there.

You guys wanna join?
What?

Yeah, it'd be fun,
right?

Oh, yes, and let's make
things interesting.

A nickel a target.

You know, that's actually,
uh, a little rich
for my blood.

Uh, how about a penny?

What's the matter, Albert?
Is business
bad?

No, no. A penny it is.

Good Lord, Albert,
you're such
a "sheepskate." Oh!

Wow!
Oh...

Let's go, Louise.
You can "shear" me on.

Oh, no, I didn't!

You're so
funny, baby.
Thank you.

Shall we?

Come on.

Wait, wait, no, no.

There you are,
my good man.

Indeed.

Oh, wow.
That seems
unnecessary.

What's wrong
with ducks or rabbits
or something?

Mmm-hmm.

Six shots, six hits.
Quite the marksman!

There you go, ma'am.

Thank you, baby.

Care to try?

You got it.

Just breathe.

Didn't you date that guy?

Yeah, but it didn't
work out.

It was like
I was dating my dad.

Aren't you dating
your dad now?

Yeah.
How's that going?

Pretty good.

Seems you owe me
six cents, sheep herder.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

Jesus.

Wait. Hang on a sec.

You wanna make
this interesting?

If I can shoot six out
of six on Albert's behalf,
you owe him a dollar.

If I can't,

he owes you a dollar.
Wait, what?

A dollar?
I've never seen a dollar.

Nobody's got a dollar!

Let us see the dollar!

Well, this is interesting.

All right.
Do your best, ma'am.

How fast can
this thing go?

Oh, you can play
double or triple speeds,
but that's for the experts.

As fast as you can.

Holy shit!

Congratulations!

You're a winner!

Thank you.

Come on, you owe
him a dollar.

There it is!

It's beautiful!

Take your hat off, boy.
That's a dollar bill!

Well, a man whose girlfriend
does his shooting for him.

Isn't that a fine
how-do-you-do?

I said, "Isn't that
a fine how-do-you-do?"

How is that funny?
What's funny about that?

"How do you do"
is a greeting.
Why is that funny?

You, why are
you laughing?

I don't know.
He was laughing.

It seems your
ex-boyfriend doesn't
have a sense of humor.

I can see why
you dumped him.

Hey!

You wanna back up
that attitude, asshole?

Oh, you are kidding.

Never been more
serious in my life.
You and me, pistols.

You wouldn't have
a prayer, kiddo.

Tomorrow, 8:00 a.m.,
sharp.

All right,
challenge accepted!

Oh, gosh.
Tomorrow is bad for me,

and I really wanna
be there.

Why don't we say
a week from today?

That works for you,
right, Albert?

Yeah, yeah, that's fine.
A week from today.

I got sheep stuff
I gotta do tomorrow,
anyway.

One week.

Come on, Louise.

I'll buy you some
sugared butter shavings.

Oh, shit!

Wow.

What the fuck
did I just do?

You just challenged
Foy to a gunfight.

I have no idea
what just happened.

I was, like,
out of my body.

Albert, did you see
the look on Louise's face?

No. Why?

She was aroused.
She was impressed.

You had a fire
in your belly for
a second there, pal.

Bet you never showed
her that side before.

Yeah, I don't have
that side to me.

I honestly don't know
what just happened.

Albert, you got
her attention.

You beat this guy
at a gunfight,

I bet she thinks twice
about dumping you.

Anna, I can't be
in a gunfight.

What am I,
Clinch Leatherwood here?

I'll get killed!
Whoa!

Why would you say that?

Because he's the most
vicious gunfighter
in the territory,

which I am not!

No, you're not
Clinch Leatherwood.

You're gonna
be okay, Albert.

That week I just bought
you is enough time for me
to teach you how to shoot.

You'll be fine.

Oh, yeah, by the way,
that's another thing.

How the fuck can
you shoot like that?

Who the hell are you?

My father was a gun maker.
I could shoot a gun
before I could walk.

Whatever.
I'm sick to my stomach.
My stomach is in knots.

You're worked up,
that's what it is.
Let's get a drink.

Come on.

Hey! It's our sweet
young couple.

Could I interest you folks
in some Wildroot Cream-Oil?

People die at the fair.

People die at the fair.

Hey, what's going on?
Is everything all right?

One of the girls
was raped.

Jesus. What happened?
Oh, my God.

I walked in, and
this rancher was just

riding Becky like
she was some kind
of show pony.

Oh, my God.
That's terrible.

Sex?

Yeah.

Like, different from
normal whorehouse sex?

I was just thinking
the same thing.

Did he not pay
or something?

She was on her lunch break.

But he didn't
wanna wait for her
to finish her sandwich.

Just goes to
show you that

women are never really
completely safe from
male aggression.

I mean, if a rape
can happen here,

it can happen anywhere.

Yeah, I mean,
probably more likely
to happen here,

but is she okay?

Doctor's with her now.

Oh, God,
I'm so sorry.

This is Anna,
by the way.

Oh.
Oh, hi.

Listen, if there's
anything we can do,

just please,
please let us know.
Anything at all, yeah.

We could send
a card or something.

If it were me,
you know, I think...

I mean, I would love
something I could use.

You know, like...

Like milk.

I mean, yeah,
that's... Sure.
We can send milk.

Oh, milk would
be so nice.

We'll send milk.

Okay, so you're gonna
take your right thumb,

put it all
the way to the left.

Cross it over,
cradle it right in there,

and then just extend it
straight through your...

Like that?
Straight.

Wow, you've never
fired a gun before.

I... I have not.
I own a gun.

No, I fired a gun at
the shooting gallery.

Yeah, but those
were quarter loads.
These are full loads.

Okay, all right, get ready.
I'm about to shoot
a full load at your cans.

Shut the
fuck up and focus.

All right. Okay.

This is never gonna work.

This is not working.
It's gonna work.

It's gonna work and
Louise is gonna come
running back to you.

How the hell do you
get these things out?

I'm sitting there
jerking that thing off.

Hey, why are you
being so nice to me?

What do you mean?

Well, I mean,
you show up
out of nowhere.

You're this complete
anomaly in my world
of terribleness out here.

I mean, you must have
a million better things
to do than this.

What, I can't make
a new friend?

You sure look like
you could use one.

I guess. I mean, I just...
I just don't know
anything about you.

Well, can I ask you
something about you?

Yeah, sure.

Why do you love Louise?

I mean,
take your pick.
She's...

I feel great
when I'm with her.

She's classy, she's fun,
she's insanely gorgeous.

Hey, no. Look,
she's really pretty, yes.

But honestly,
and I'm sorry
to say this,

I don't see what else
she's got going for her.

My impression was that
she was a little sour
and self-absorbed.

And for a guy with
so much going for him,

I just thought
that maybe you...

I don't know what you think
I have going for me, but...

You see?
There you go again,

just cutting
yourself down.

You act like this girl
was performing

some kind of
a charitable act
by dating you.

Albert, you're a catch.

You're sweet,
you're funny,
you're smart.

You've made something
of yourself out here.

You know, a lot of
people can't say that.

You're a good
sheep farmer.

Oh, my God, please.
I suck at sheep.

Louise was right.
I can't keep track of them.

There was a sheep
in the whorehouse
last week.

Really?
Yeah.

Wandered in there,
and then when
I went to pick it up,

somehow,
it had made $20.

But, you know,
thank you anyway
for what you said.

Oh, look,
the West fucking sucks,

but the frontier
is not your problem.

It's you.

You need a little
confidence boost,
my friend.

Now, aim up, sheep boy.

Oh!
Hey!

There we go!
See? There!

All righty. That's one.

So, all I gotta do is get
Foy to let me shoot
16 times before he shoots

and then I win!

You're gonna do great,
I promise.

Easy.
We're gonna get there.

Hey!
Yes!

Oh!

God damn it, Albert!
No more friends!

You know,
you did great today.

So much better
than last week.

And I have
a surprise for you.

You have earned
one of Anna Barnes'

very special
super-super-secret cookies.

Mmm-hmm.

Wait, what is this?
Mmm-hmm?

This is a pot... This is
a pot cookie, isn't it?

It's a pot cookie.
No, no, no.

No. I don't do well
with that stuff at all.

It's a pot cookie.

Yeah, I know.
No, thank you.

Just have
a little bit with me.

My worst fear is to OD
on a recreational drug.

No, thank you.
On a pot cookie?

The last time somebody
gave me one of these

I became convinced
that prairie dogs
could read my mind.

Just take a little bit.

I'll take a very,
very small bite.
Just a small bite.

A very small bite.
That's it.

Are you kidding me?

Nope. Deadly serious.

Let's see what this does

and if I don't throw
myself off this cliff

during some awful
freak-out, then...

Just take that
little bit, right there.

Well, now
you've touched it.

Take the other side.
There you go.

There.

And now, we just wait
for the sun to set.

This is really weird.

Is it supposed
to be like this?

You gave me
the right amount, right?

You don't think
I took too much?

Just ride it out.
This is...

Wow, my bones are
in really deep today.

Like, there's a
lot more skin than
there usually is.

I think my body
is padding up
for the winter,

which is weird,
because it's not winter.

But there's
a lot more there.

Oh...

There's something wrong
with my swallowing.

This is not how
I usually swallow.

Oh, my God, Anna,
he knows.

What, what, what?

He knows what we're doing,
he knows what this is.

He knows what this is.

I don't wanna...
No, I don't wanna join.

I don't wanna join up.

Whoa!

Oh, shit!

John, this tree
didn't fall down.
It was cut down.

That's bad news.
Stay sharp.

Sorry, sir.
But we're gonna need
another body out here.

Don't wander off
too far, Michael.
You hear?

Now, this can only end well
for one of us.

We shoot on three.

One...

Two...

Find it.

Keep your eye on these two.

Found it, Clinch.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Ten thousand
in gold bullion.

We'll kindly relieve
the Wells Fargo company

of this heavy little burden.

Shall we, lads, eh?

That was a big mistake.

You listen very closely.

You're a lucky man

because I'm in
a good mood today.

Now, are you gonna
try that again?

No. No, sir.

Good. I'm gonna give you
just one warning.

You reach
for that gun again,

and this is
what will happen.

Like I said, one warning.

Whoo!

Holy shit, Clinch!

There's gotta be
at least 15,000 here!

Put that down.

Put it down.

We're not gonna
touch that damn gold

until everything
cools down.

We're gonna go back
to Old Stump,

we're gonna get
Anna and Lewis,

and we're gonna lay low
for at least a month.

Understood?

Understood?
Yeah, boss.

All right. Pick it up.

Hey.

Wow.

You look amazing.

And maybe
a little uncomfortable.

Oh, shit!

I'm totally overdressed,
aren't I?

No.

I've never done
formal before.

And the lady at the boutique
told me to buy this

and no one else
is wearing this.

Who cares what...

These are all fuckers.
You look fantastic.

I look like Jane Austen
threw up all over me.

You do not look like
Jane Austen threw...

No, you look
absolutely beautiful.

You can breathe
in that thing, right?

There's nothing
I like more than

putting on some loose,
baggy clothes,

and just being able
to relax.

Yeah, this is an
end-of-the-workday
outfit you have on.

I'm very glad
I remembered
the six items

I somehow require
to hold up my pants.

Oh, yeah.

I like your bustle,
by the way.

Oh, yeah.

I really love that
the most alluring
fashion statement

a woman can make today

is to simulate a fat ass.

That is a simulation
of a fat ass, right there.
Thank you.

If I was a black guy,
this is the meanest trick
you could play on me.

Because I'd be like,
"Oh, my God! Look.

"There's a fat ass,
my favorite."

And then I'd lift it
up and I'd be like,
"Oh, shit, it's a big joke."

I know, exactly,
because when
you lift it up

there's nothing but
a metal cage under there.

Wow!

You are ready to relieve
the stress of the day.

Completely.

Well, at the very least,
this will be a good way

to spend my last
night alive, right?

Albert.

What?

Do you trust me?

Yeah, I do.

Good. You're gonna
be fine.

If I thought
you were gonna lose
this gunfight,

I'd make you
call it off. Okay?

Yeah, okay.

Trust me.

Hey, how about it
for the James Gang?

The James Gang.

Thank you.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

It's great to be
back here in Old Stump.

You know, I remember
when this was just
a one-horse town,

and now look at you!

Your horse is dead.

Hey, any Indians
here tonight?
How'd you get tickets?

Let me guess.
Scalpers.

I kid the red man.
They're a noble savage.

But, you know,
I date Indian women,

and I don't care
who knows about it.

I was with one
the other night.

I asked her, I said,
"How do you liked
to get fucked?"

She said,
"Take my land."

Hey, quick show
of hands, everybody.

Who likes whores
and wearing a hat?

It's the best, right?

You know,
I accidently hired a
whore the other night.

I thought she said,
"Who wants to be
in my posse?"

Fuck you, sod-busters.

You know, "cowpoke" is
a noun, not a verb.

But I tell ya, folks,
this telegraph machine...
That thing is nuts.

I mean, sure,
it's faster than
the Pony Express,

but what good is
it if you can't send
a picture of your dick?

People gotta lighten up.

This temperance movement?
That shit pisses me off.

I saw Carry Nation speak.

She said,
"Show me one good reason
why a man needs a drink."

I said,
"Look in the mirror, bitch."

Okay, they're
giving me the lantern.

Don't forget to
rape your waitresses,

enjoy the bison
and I hope you're
enjoying your drinks

as much as my horse
enjoyed making them
for you.

Now, let's all line up
for the sweetheart dance.

Come on, let's go.

No, no, no!
I suck at dancing.

No one will notice.

How will they not notice?

Because you suck
at everything.

Well, well!

Hello, there, sheepie.

Hello, Foy.
Hey, Louise.

Hey, Albert.

So, big day tomorrow.

Care for a last dance?

With you?

No, not with me.

I mean, the dance.
Oh!

Yeah. No, yeah, no.
She and I are gonna dance.

And now, to serenade us
for the sweetheart dance,

our very own
Marcus Thornton!

Shit crowd.

Ready for weird,
stiff, traditional
frontier dancing?

Fuck, yes.

You men who long for love

You mustn't all despair

There's a secret
you should know

To capture
the hearts of the fair

You may not have the looks
You may not have the dash

But you'll win
yourself a girl

If you've only
got a moustache

A moustache
A moustache

If you've only
got a moustache

You may be common folk

Without a hint of pride

But you needn't be a king

To make any maiden a bride

You may not have the name
You may not have the cash

But you'll make
that girl your own

If you've only
got a moustache

A moustache

A moustache
If you've only
got a moustache

You may be big and fat

Or uglier than sin

All the ladies
shut you out

You're wondering
how to get in

Well, here is my advice
For how to make a splash

You can have
your pick of gals

If you've only
got a moustache

A moustache
A moustache

If you've only
got a moustache

A moustache,
a moustache,
a moustache

Big moustache,
thick moustache

My moustache,
your moustache

Say the word,
the word "moustache"

A moustache,
a moustache

Now we both have
said "moustache"

A moustache

A moustache
If you've only
got a moustache

Fucking asshole.

How about I steal
a bottle of whiskey
and we get out of here?

Love that idea.

I'll be right back.

Your dick's out.

So, you have a husband yet?

No.

And I'm starting to get
to that panicky stage,
you know?

And obviously that just
throws my whole game off
even more.

You know,
I'm not married either.

You're not?
No!

You wanna get
the fuck out of here?

Fuck, yeah!

Hey.

So, Albert and I
are gonna split,

but I just wanted
to come by and wish
you luck tomorrow.

Thank you.

So, I guess
it's kind of weird

knowing that a woman
can outshoot you, huh?

If you don't mind,

my girlfriend and I
are enjoying each
other's company.

Want to know
the real kicker,
though?

I can outdrink you, too.

That, I can assure you,
is impossible.

Fifty cents to the winner.

One,

two,

three.

Oh, shit!

Don't feel bad.

Alcohol doesn't harmonize
well with a woman's frail
constitution, anyway.

I guess not.

Here you go.

You can buy your
girlfriend a brain.

Excuse me?

You're an idiot.

You have the nicest guy
in the world throwing
himself at your feet

and here you are with
this complete asshole.

Who I go out with
is my own business.

So, why don't you
mind your own, bitch?

How are you so blind
with eyes that big?

Enjoy your night.

They're not that big.

No, my dear,
they're practically
Chinese.

God, I love you.

I love you, too.

Suppertime,
you lazy prick.

Goddamn waste
of lungs.

Who's lazy now, Sheriff?

How's that?

Ooh.

Wow.

Um...
It'll keep us
warm, though.

Are you cold?

A little.

Here, take...

No, no, no! It's okay.
No, it's fine. Here.

This has been
in my family
for 97 generations.

I can't get that
goddamn moustache
song out of my head.

Oh, just think
of another song.

I can't. There's only,
like, three songs.

Oh, that's true.
And they're all
by Stephen Foster.

Yeah.

Mmm.

Um...

Hey, you know,
whatever happens
tomorrow,

I just...
I just want to
say thank you.

Uh...

I couldn't have gotten
this far without you.

And this may be
the booze talking,
or your pep talk, or both,

but I think I can do it.

You know,
I think I can beat him.

Well, I'll tell you this,
you sound
a lot more confident

than that guy who
dragged me out of the
saloon not too long ago.

You know, it's funny.

I still feel like
I don't know

anything about you
after all this time.

And I feel like
every time I bring it up,
you change the subject.

There really isn't
that much to tell.

My story is a lot
like yours, I suppose.

Because I'll tell you,
I hate the West
just as much as you do.

Do you really?

For my own reasons,
but, yeah.

Oh, I like you
even more now.

There is something
about connecting
over mutual hatred

that's just so much
deeper than mutual love.

It's true, right?

If two people hate
the same things,
it creates a bond.

Hate can move mountains.

Yes.

Oh, hey, you know what?
Before I forget.

Hey, Bridget, Bridget.

Yeah, she knows.
Come here. There we go.

Oh, my God.

What is this?

This is just
a little something
to say thank you.

Albert.

It's nothing huge,
it's just...

Okay, don't get
too excited.

What is it?
What is it?
What is it?

Holy shit.

I know, right?

He's smiling.
Yeah.

No, in the picture,
he's smiling!

Isn't that amazing?

I bought that off
a peddler who was coming
through town last week.

This is the guy
I was telling you about.
Uh-huh.

I didn't even know
this existed.

And apparently,
he's not insane.
Bullshit!

That's what
the guy told me.

It takes 30 seconds
to take a photograph.

This guy would
have had to sit there

and smile for 30
sustained seconds.

I know. I've never been
happy for 30 seconds
in a row in my life.

No one has.
It's the fucking West!

He's gotta be insane!

Who the fuck knows?

This is incredibly sweet.

It's nothing. It's...

I owe you.

No one's ever done
anything like this for me.

Oh, come on, now.

Thank you.

Uh...

I'm sorry.

I... I shouldn't
have done that.

No, it's... It's fine.

You...

You've just been
a really good friend
to me. That's all.

Yeah. I, um...

It's late.

Yeah, I should
take you home.

Oh, thanks.

Good luck tomorrow.
I'm gonna be there.

Good.

Okay.

Um...

Good night.

Good night.

Hello?

What, uh... What's that?

Nothing.

It's a weather experiment.

Oh.

Great Scott!

Are you sure
you can't call it off?

Of course not.
I'd be branded a coward.

Baby, if you fight
him tomorrow,
you will kill him.

Yes, that's what
happens in a gunfight.

But he's not
a bad guy, Foy.

I mean, yeah,
he's kind of a loser

and he always
smells like sheep,

but he doesn't
deserve to be shot.

Louise!

My decision
is final.

Now, do it.

Hey, I'm really tired.

Louise!

My social stature
is significant.

I'm an important man.

I have my own business.

People envy me.

Ooh...

What's wrong?

Foy!

Oh, there can't be
anything more! Oh!

Hello, sweetheart.

Where's Anna?

Well, now,

I didn't think
you'd show, sheepie.

Yeah, listen, Foy...

Oh...

Oh. Oh...

Holy shit. You all...
You all done?

I'm good.

Okay.

Listen, Foy,

she's all yours.

Louise,

you know, I really
do care about you.

But, I don't know,
somewhere along the line

I guess I just forgot
that a relationship
is a two-way street.

And I've been
reminded recently

of what it's like
to have somebody
care about me.

And I like it.

So, if you want to spend
the rest of your life
with a pussy full of hair,

I say, go with God
and best of luck to you.

You know, I just realized
that last joke might
not have been clear.

I didn't mean that
she has a hairy pussy.

I meant that Foy
has a moustache,

so, you know,
he gets hair in her

when he goes down there.

Yeah.

I got it.

Anna?

Coward.
Thank you.

She's not there.

Well, I'm sure
she's okay.
I don't understand.

We've been prepping
for this gunfight
for a week.

She wouldn't
just not show up.

Hey, do you...
Do you think you guys
are gonna have sex?

Uh...

Maybe, at some point.
I don't know.

Well, when you do,
let us know

because maybe
we can make it an
all-us-friends thing.

You know, we can
all get in sync
together, sexually.

Edward, we are
not having sex.
Sorry.

Ruth! Let's fuck!

Coming!

She keeps my head
on straight.

Clinch Leatherwood.

Great.

Look at this. Another
thing that can kill us.

We should all just
wear coffins as clothes.

Shh.

Somebody in this
wee shithole of a town
is going to die.

One of my boys
saw a man kissing
my wife last night.

I want to know
who it was.

Oh, man!

Somebody's gonna
get fucked up.

Now, you all seem
like good folk.

And good folk know
better than to take
what isn't theirs.

And this...

This is mine.

So, I'm going to ask
one more time.

Who was it?

Mmm?

Who?

Now, you make sure
he gets this message.

Either he meets me outside
in the main thoroughfare
at noon tomorrow

or I start killing
more people.

All right?

Albert, you gotta
get out of here.

Boys, there's
an abandoned sod house
back around that bend.

We'll stash
the gold there.

Ben, you take the men
and set up camp.

I need some alone
time with my wife.

Got it, Clinch.

Let's go, boys.
Come on!

Go on, get down.

Who was it?

Huh?

Mark Twain.

What? Is it?

Jesus.
How fucking stupid
are you?

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Who?

I'm not gonna
ask you again. Who?

Okay, it's...
It's Sheriff Brady.
But please, please, please.

I'm begging you.
Don't hurt him, okay?

After all the lovely years
we've been together

you think I don't know
when you're lying?

I'm not.

Plugger.

Tell me who it is or
Plugger gets plugged
between his pretty eyes.

Come on, Clinch.
You think I'm joking?

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Okay, okay, okay.

Who?

It's Albert Stark.

Albert Stark.

That's better.

I've been keeping
it nice and soft.

See?

Mmm!

I've missed you, baby.
Oh, I've missed you a lot.

The longer the ride,
the lonelier a man gets.

And he needs
the comforting touch

of the woman he loves
to soothe his tired bones.

And now, I'm here,

you're here,

and we have time to
be husband and wife.

The proper way.

Hey, asshole.

Oh, shit.

I can't leave him
like that.

That's better.

Edward.
Yeah. Yeah.

Eddie, I've been thinking,

with Clinch Leatherwood
in town and everybody
so scared, I...

Well,
it's got me wondering.

What is it?

Well, any one of us
can die tomorrow.

We don't know
what's gonna happen.

And I...

I think we should have sex.

Uh... Okay.

Really?
Yeah. Let's.

Okay.

God will forgive us, right?

Oh, I think so.

Yeah. We'll make sure
there is a Bible
in the room,

so God can watch.

And then He can be
a part of it.

I'm overcome with joy.

I'm overjoyed with come.

Oh. That's funny.
Oh!

That's funny.

Come on.

Albert?

Albert!

Albert, you gotta
get out of here.

Yeah, that's...
That's what I'm doing.

No, no, no.
Like, right now.

Clinch is gonna
be looking for you.

Yeah, I'm leaving.

Uh, I'm going
to San Francisco.

Just what I should
have done a week ago.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, well,
you know, so am I.

What about your dad?

I asked him
if he wanted to come,
and he said no.

He's up on the hill,
burying himself
next to Mom.

Look, I never meant
to mislead...

Okay, you know
what, Anna?

Don't even waste
my time, okay?

Don't even
waste my time.

You had a million
opportunities to tell me,
and you just fucking lied.

I didn't lie.

What would you call it?

You're married to
the most vicious killer
in the territory.

You don't think maybe
that's something
you should have told me?

I didn't tell you
because I was trying
to protect you.

Oh, bullshit! You were
looking out for
your own self-interest.

And because I liked you.

I didn't want to
scare you away.

I never thought I'd meet
someone like you, Albert.

What, somebody who
hasn't killed people?
Somebody like that?

Yeah, that's really
hard to find.

That's why women
are always going,

"Oh, my God.
Why are all the
non-murderers taken?"

Hey. It's not my fault,
all right?

We were married
when I was nine.

Nine?

How does that even work?
Was there a ceremony?

Yeah, of course
there was a...

My parents were there,
and a couple of neighbors.

I just didn't want to
end up like one of those

15-year-old spinsters,
you know?

You know,
I don't even know...

I don't even know
why I'm surprised.

Every girl that
I ever fall in love with
ends up disappointing me.

And every time,
I'm surprised.

You love me?

Oh, you know what?
I'm over it. You can go.

All right. I lied, fine.

What was I supposed
to say, Albert? Tell me.

Was I supposed to go,
"Oh hi, I'm Anna!

"I've been fucking
a killer since I was 10"?

Oh, he waited a year?
What a gentleman.

Well, late nine.
I rounded it up.

It doesn't matter.
I'm done with him.

I knocked him out,
and I stuck a daisy
in his asshole.

You what?

That's how much
you mean to me.

You know,

I loved a girl who
doesn't even exist.

Is your name
even Anna? Huh?

Or is it something
terrible, like Gwendolyn?

My name is Anna.
I'm that same girl
you fell in love with.

That was the real me.

Possibly for the first
time in my entire life.

I just didn't think
I deserved a good guy.

But you know what?
I do.

I love you.

It's Clinch.

Oh, shit.

There's a trail out back
that leads out to the ridge.

Go.

He's gonna kill...
Anna, just go!

Albert, he always
shoots on "two."

Enoch, Jordy,
look after the horses.

He ain't here, Clinch.

Oh, he's around.
He's around.

Stark!

I know you're
here, Stark!

Ben, check the outhouse.
Lewis, the shed.

Lewis.

Sometime this
week, yeah?

Sorry, boss.

Hey!

There he goes! Boss!

Shit.

Get him!

Hyah!

Hyah!

Ha!

What in the hell
do we do now?

He'll be back.

Ah, Curtis. That was
exceptional, buddy.

I tell you,

when we get out of this,
I'm gonna get you
some horse whores.

Sound good?

Get you whatever
you want.

Can even get you a cow,
if you want one of those.

Want to fuck a cow?

You seem like
a pretty sexually
adventurous guy.

Now, how the fuck
do you make a fire?

Okay, here we go.

Are you excited?

Yeah, this is
my first vagina.

You've never seen one?

No. I feel like
I should have a piece
of cake or something.

Okay, you ready?

Yeah.
Okay.

Okay.

What?

Are you in pain
right now?

You don't like it.

No, I love it!

Yeah, yeah,
it's just...

It looks like a firecracker
wrapped in roast beef.

Yeah, but there's
more to it.

That's just the outside.
There's folds.

Okay! I'm gonna close
the Bible now.

Eddie, it's supposed
to be like that.

It is?

It's gonna feel good.

I'm really glad
I didn't have
that piece of cake.

Oh, okay.

Okay, ready?

This is gonna be good.
You're gonna like this.

Okay,
easy, now.

Sorry. This is...

Yeah. Wow.

Okay, is that...

- Right there?
- Yeah.

Sure, okay.
Wow.

Okay, I get it.
It's pretty big, right?

Yeah,
you're huge!

No, I meant you.

Anna!
Ruth,
can I come in?

Sure.

Clinch is out there.

He's coming up
the stairs!

Shit!

Please don't shoot us
on sex night.

You and I have
a problem.

Oh, shit.

It's coming.
I see it, I see it.

It's a boy,
Mr. Stark.

All right.

Well, don't you want
to come hold the baby?

Fuck off.

Now, you put that
under your pillow

and the tooth fairy
will leave you a penny.

There ain't no
tooth fairy, idiot!

Now, clean up
that horse shit!

Albert,
I think I lost my essay.

It's okay, Edward.

Here. You can have mine.

Wow, thanks.
But what are you
gonna do?

It's no big deal.

I think Tommy's
ruining the curve
for all of us anyway.

For my summer
vacation, me and my family
went to Indian territory.

It was fun.

Except, at the end,
my dad stole a squash

and they got mad.

The end.

Class, please welcome
our graduation speaker,

President Abraham Lincoln.

Hiya, shmucks!

Four score and
seven years ago,

I was broke,

just like you.

But now,
I'm the president

and I'm so fucking rich.

I can have all
the licorice I want.

Where's my speaking fee?

I don't think
that's the real
President Lincoln.

Oh! If any men wanna
fuck me in the ass,

I'll be out by the barn.

Hey, Louise!

Louise, check out
this cool bike I got!

Hey, you want to
go down to the...

Oh, shit!

No! Sorry! Sorry!

No, no, no!

Stop!

Get back here!

Shit, not again.

Get that son
of a bitch!

You're an idiot.

How can you be so blind
with eyes that big?

They're not that big.

Pardon me, Albert.

The lads and I have prepared
something special for you.

You may not have the looks

You may not have the dash

But you'll win yourself a girl

If you've only
got a moustache

A moustache
A moustache

If you've only
got a moustache

We are the guardians
of the future.

Enter when ready.

Stark!

All right, sweetheart.

Let's find out if
your wee boyfriend
gives a shit about you.

He's got

six minutes till noon.

And if he doesn't show,

he'll be picking up
pieces of you
all over the street.

Stark!

Oh, look who's here.

Let her go, Clinch.

Well, now,
true love conquers all,
doesn't it, sweetheart?

Let her go,

and let's you
and me just settle
this like adults.

Lewis, Ben.

Come and take
this whore.
Albert.

Don't be stupid, Albert!
Get out of here!

Get out of here!

Too late for that.

He's already
been stupid.

Haven't you, Albert?

You've been
with my wife.

Well, we haven't
actually done it,

if that makes any
kind of a difference.

Okay, look, look, look.
Here's my idea, okay?

You're a pretty
tough guy, yeah?

Why don't you prove it?

Gunfight. You and me.
Right here. Right now.

You really do have
a death wish, don't you?

Yeah, I guess you'll
have to find that out, huh?

Uh-huh.

Take out your gun.

Point it at me.

No.

Good boy.

Now, we shoot
on three.

One.

I've been playing
cards a long time

and I would never
have bet on that, Stark.

Where'd you learn
to shoot?

Your wife.

Oh, snap!

Holy fuck.

Okay, look, look, look!
Before you kill me,

just grant me a few
last words. All right?

Make it quick.

Let Anna live.

All right?

Let her live.

This is not her fault.

I kissed her,
she didn't kiss me,
all right?

It's not her fault.

I mean, she didn't
tell me she was married,

so it's a little bit
her fault, I guess.

So, yeah, I guess
that's kind of true.

So, maybe just
shoot her in the arm.

What the...

And one more thing.

Um, my grandparents
were Arabic.

So, I'm required
by Muslim tradition

to recite the Islamic
death chant immediately
before dying.

This will only
take a moment.

Hey, what's the
matter, Clinch?

You not feeling well?

You okay, boss?

What's happening to me?

You know, there are
a million ways to die
in the West, Clinch.

There's, uh, famine,
disease, gunfights.

And, uh, wild animals.
You know, like snakes.

And, you know,
the funny thing is,

you don't even
have to get bitten.

All you need is
a little bit of the venom

introduced into
your bloodstream

and you're pretty
much screwed.

For example, if you drain
a certain amount of venom

from the fangs of
a diamondback rattler
into a hollow-tip bullet,

you really only
need one shot.

Now, I knew my aim
wasn't good enough to hit
you anywhere important.

But if I caught
you by surprise...

Well, Anna taught me
just enough to get me
in the ballpark.

And just a small
amount of venom
in an open wound

is enough to kill
a man if he's...

Albert.

He's dead.
You did it.

Oh.

Yeah.

Did he hear all
that smart stuff I did?

Uh...

No. No,
I don't think so.

Oh.

Well, it was
still good, though.

Yeah, it was great.

I thought it
was really good.

Stop!

Albert!

I'm really horny
right now.

Let's go in
the shade and fuck.

Well done, sheep boy.

Hey, sorry
I killed your husband.

Oh, God.
That was never gonna
work out anyway.

He's Methodist,
I'm half-Jewish.

Are you? You are?
No!

Oh, thank God!

You're not really
Arabic, are you?

No, no, no.

Oh, thank God. Because
I was like, "Ah, kill me!"

I know, right?
"No! Oh, my God!"

No, we're fine.
We're okay.
Albert!

Hey, Louise.

Hey. Listen,
if you want to...

If you want to
talk about things,
I would like that.

I mean, I could come
by your place,
like, later tonight.

You know, uh,
Louise, I would,

but I really gotta
go home and
work on myself.

So, you killed
Clinch Leatherwood,

the deadliest gunman
on the frontier.

Yeah, I guess
I did, huh?

You know,
there's probably gonna
be some reward money.

You know,
I didn't think about that.

What are
you gonna do?

Step right up, folks.
Step right up!

Step right up, folks.
Step right up!

Who wants to take a gander
at the shooting gallery?

I'll take a shot.

People die at the fair.

What the fuck?

Somebody bring me
one of them white women.