Original subtitles

- So this was Will's cradle - Yeah

- You and your chubby little cheeks - Ha

- A little wisp of hair on top - Yeah

Hey, what'd you look like as a baby?

I'll have you know, I was an extremely pretty child

Not that there's any photographs to prove that

I was the youngest of three By then my parents were like

"He's walking. Should we get the camera?"

"Nah. I'll remember it."

So this is fun Fixin' stuff

- Sandin' things - Uh-huh

- Workin' up a sweat - Hmm

- Makes me feel like a man - Yeah

No, seriously, I'd like a man after we're done

Grace is gonna love this

It's gonna mean so much more 'cause I worked on it with my own hands

- Just like I did with the new kitchen - You gonna pay someone to come in and finish it?

Yep, just like I did with the new kitchen

You know what's even better than being carpenters?

Bein' The Carpenters (The Carpenters: 70��� Ȱ���� �׷�)

Jack

On the day that you born the angels got together...

Jack, stop it

Come on, we gotta finish this

And decided to create a dream come true?

so they sprinkled moon dust in your hair--

and golden starlight in your eyes of blue!

And I wonder why I'm still single

Oh, speaking of which-- Hey, I got a surprise for you

I got us some twins for tonight

One's cute, one's smart one's straight, one's gay

Just like us

You're sure it was twins, and not just one guy taking his glasses on and off?

Oh, yeah

Anyway, I can't

Grace and I are really focused on this baby right now

And we've made an agreement-- no dating

This is the best date ever

I thought you were getting bored around 4:00

and then I thought

"Well, why would you be bored? I'm a catch."

So, Leo, being a "doctah"...

You must hate it when people hit you up for free medical advice, huh?

Yeah, yeah I do It's the worst

Whaddya need?

Sometimes I taste pennies...

You know, in my mouth

That's like a stroke thing, right?

It can be

Let me ask you something

This is where you're gonna see the whole doctor thing start working

Do you keep your mints in your change purse?

I don't think I've ever been more embarrassed

Until now

Oh, God

I'm sorry

- I thought you were, y'know-- - Yeah

Leanin' in to-- / I--was just grabbin'-- grabbin' my-- my sweater

I--I can, uh, put it back and, uh

grab it again, if you want me to

Can I ask you something?

Ooh, serious voice

Let me do my Oprah listening pose(������ ������ : ������ ��ũ�� ������)

You know Grace is gonna be inseminated again in a few days

and I really think we're gonna get pregnant this time

And if we do, I just want to make sure that our child is surrounded by...

...good people

I hear ya... Good bye

No, Jack

Jack, I'm asking you to be my kid's godfather

Well, or, rather, his--

his fairy godfather

Oh, my-- Oh, my God!

I'd be honored I'd be moved

That pays, what? Like $100, $200 a week?

It pays nothing

Well, then, I'm just honored

Okay

- Hey, guys - Hey!

Look at this!

It's my cradle, from when I was a baby

My mom sent it over

Along with a baby picture that says, "Second or third child, March '70" with a question mark

Huh

Jack and I are gonna have it painted

Pink if it's a girl and hot pink if it's a boy

And flannel if it's a lesbian

So, what do you think? Do you love it?

Are you gonna cry? Do you need a tissue?

It's cute

I can't believe you ever fit in there

'Night, guys

Wow

You'd think Grace could show a little appreciation

I mean, I've been working my gay dad ass off all day

I sanded this cradle...

partially

You know, I even child-proofed the kitchen cabinets

Yeah, uh, about that--

I'll show you how to open them later

- What's up with her? - Ugh, Will

Do you know nothing about the "wimmins"?

They don't respond to pressure

- I'm not pressuring her - Oh, my god!

You're all about the pressure!

The baby's not even here yet

and you're already making Grace feel like a bad mother

There's plenty of time for that after the baby gets here

That's not what she needs now

And I should know I am a mother

You're a father

Oh, difference of one letter

This is the time you gotta stop focusing on the baby and focus on her

Pamper her

Buy her somethin' And buy me something, too

'cause I just worked my ass off caring

Will, help me. It's hard

Sorry I'm late

I was caught on the 'F' Train

Or as I now call it the F-ing Train

Oh, honey, is this another one of your fantasy stories about how

people travel beneath the city in a secret underground network of tunnels and trains

Yeah. Yeah

It's almost as crazy as the stories

I tell you about those mythical places in the desert, where people go to stop drinking

Oh, hey

Somebody got some flowers, huh?

Or as I like to call them poor people's jewelry

Oh, God. They're from Leo

Please, let the card be dumb

Please, let him quote an Eagles song lyric or put a happy face over an "I"

Anything

Oh

It's literate and delightful

Who? Huh? What's this?

Is this someone you met in your "underground city"?

Leo

- Jewish doctor guy? - Oh

I went out with him He's so...

amazing, but I'm supposed to get inseminated tomorrow

God, it's just--it's all just happening so fast

Honey, what's the big deal?

Just tell Wilma you need a little more time to see

what's happening with cute doctor Jew

I can't ask for more time We're not supposed to be dating

- Will's head will explode - Honey, it will not

He cares about ya He wants you to be happy

You think?

No

Oh! But if you buy him a present it might soften the blow

- No, that'll never work - Well, sure it will, honey

The gays love their presents

Yeah, just wave something shiny in front of their faces

you can get whatever you want

That's how we got Manhattan from the gay Indians

Ugh. Damn it

If only I hadn't kissed Leo

Two weeks ago, I wanted this baby more than anything

And--and now, I'm just-- I'm just so confused

Honey, what is the problem?

- It was just a kiss - Oh, no, no, no

You don't understand It was a really good kiss

Sh-yeah! Show me

- No - Show me

- No - Come on. We're both stoned

- Forget it - Shut up and show me

Yeah, you're screwed

That's not a curl

That is not a curl

Now that's a curl

God, there's so many things I want to teach my son

Oh...

Good. You're here

Um, hi

Listen. There's--there's something I need to talk to you about

And it's-- it's kind of important

Yeah? Is it more important than...

this gift I got you?

I think it is, but give it to me anyway

Oh, my God! The wrapping is so beautiful!

All these beads and glitter

Add a couple of spaghetti straps

and a hint of butt crack and it's an Academy Awards gown!

Hmm. Well, I'm not some thoughtless schlub that just gives

a gift in the bag it came in

I'm not an animal Ha, ha, ha

- I got you something too - Oh

Let's open it together!

All right, well, you may need scissors to get through that, because--

Oh, my God! I love it!

How did you do that? I used double-sided tape and glue!

I used unmanicured nails and that one jaggedy tooth I never got fixed

Oh, a foot massager This is so sweet of you

Thank you

- Okay, now open mine - Okay

It's so beautiful, I almost don't want to unstaple it

Just open it

Wow, a--a personal cooling system

Hey, it works!

You know how I am always the perfect temperature and you are always freakishly hot?

Well, the salesman said put this on

and you will freeze your nipples off

And it's true, 'cause there's a spare pair in the box

Wow!

That's great!

Can't wait to use that at the beach

You know?

Me and my billabongs with a metal collar around my neck (�����: ȣ���� �Ƿ� �귣��)

Should attract an interesting subset of gay men

Okay, okay

Look, if you don't like it, you can always exchange it for those turbo nose hair trimmers

that you always make fun of but secretly want

What are you talking about?

Come on. I hear the sobbing from the bathroom every time

you go at that jungle with the tweezers

- Go ahead, exchange it - Hey, hey, yo hey, pretty

Does this look like the face of someone who doesn't like his gift?

I love that we don't need a reason to buy each other presents! / Yeah

So I've gotta talk to you about something

I know... that we are...

supposed to get inseminated tomorrow

But the last couple of weeks, um--

everything just seems to be moving so fast

And I just wish that I had just-- just a little more time

because, um--

God, this is so hard

Sweetie, I think I know what you're gonna say

- You do? - Yes

I'm rushing things

God, you're not even pregnant yet

and I'm way ahead of myself

By the way, our kid's on the waiting list for Dalton

- So-- - Will--

I know, I know

I've been putting way too much pressure on, so let's--

let's wait a month

Take a little breather That's not gonna change anything

I mean, I certainly ain't got nothin' better goin' on

And we know you don't, right?

- Right - Great

Great

So we're cool

I know I am. Ha ha ha!

Oh, there go the nipples

So how'd Grace like the gift?

Did she get all emotional? Did she cry like a boy?

Yeah. She loved it

You know Grace and her feet

They're almost inseparable

And she gave me something too-- A great present

- The one we're here to return? - That's the one

Gonna trade it for those turbo nose hair trimmers?

No!

Anyway, thanks for the advice You really helped

You don't have to thank me, Will

I'll be rewarded in a better place

Oh, look, we're in a better place Reward me!

Why don't you roll over in that massage chair and reward yourself

- Hi - Can I help you?

I'd like to exchange this

Would ya like to look at our catalog?

No. I pretty much know what I want

Um... I'm a gardener

And I garden in these-- these little holes the size of-- of, uh, well

nostrils

And I just--I need something that I can really get in there and--

and dig out all that extra, uh, foliage

Well, we have these nose hair trimmers--

Nose hair trimmers! Wow, that hadn't occurred to me

Well, if you think it'll work in my garden / I'll have someone get them

God, I'd hate to be behind you when you're buying condoms

Will, I found it

The single CD shower companion

'Cause you can never have too many companions in the shower!

Jack

Isn't that why your membership to the Y was revoked?

Ooh, check out the man-cake at the counter

I know that guy

That's that horse guy

Oh, me likes the sound of that!

Come on, intro-seduce me

Yeah, I'd like to

uh, exchange this foot massager

My girlfriend got it as a gift and she was gonna return it herself

but she's kind of embarrassed 'cause she thinks her feet are kinda big

I happen to think she has great feet

I offered to do it for her 'cause I'm trying to impress her

Say, what is it about you that makes people just wanna open up?

Uh-oh. Your horse guy's straight, Will

He's talking about Grace

Ooh, then maybe there's hope

Oh, honey, I didn't sleep a wink all night

I don't know if it was worrying about you

or those Mexican amphetamines I've been taking, but... (����Ÿ�� : �������� ����)

I have to know what happened with Will

- How'd he like his gift? - Oh, he loved it

- Oh - And he said he'd--

he'd give me some more time

Honey, that's great

So I helped someone Hopefully

this will count toward my community service

I'm sick of pickin' up trash in the park with that kid from "The Sopranos." (The Sopranos: �̱� ���ǾƸ� ������� ���)

The only thing is, is I may have accidentally lied a little

I didn't tell him about Leo

Now, Grace--

what have I always told you about lying?

That it's good

But it didn't feel right I've got tell Will the truth--

the whole truth

Well, maybe it's for the best

Then you and I can move on with our lives

Out in the open to love freely

Karen, we're not a couple

Aren't we?

No

Well, all I know is when I woke up this morning

there was red hair on my pillow

and lesbian porn in the VCR

- Hey, ladies - Hey, hey

Hey, ladies

My feet are killing me We just walked like 30 blocks

Oh. Can I get ya something to drink?

She's buttering him up She didn't tell him about Leo

Ya know what I'd really like? Where's that new foot massager?

He's setting her up He knows about Leo

You don't need the electric massager

- I will rub your feet - No, no, get it

I wanna try it

Look, Will, I don't--I don't-- I don't have the massager, okay?

She gave it to her guy

- He's a really good kisser - How good a kisser?

What happened to it?

Did your boyfriend take it back to The Sharper Image?

He's not my--

How did you know about that?

I saw him there when I was returning that stupid personal cooling system

You returned the personal cooling system?

Why didn't you just tell me that you didn't like it?

I don't know

Why didn't you tell me you wanted more time because of some guy?

- Hey, you want me to show you? - Show me

Okay

Get out!

Damn, Leo's good

I'm sorry

I was going to tell you I started to tell you

And then you were so understanding

And then there were gifts and curled ribbons--

Grace, Grace, bottom line

Do you wanna have this baby with me, or not?

You said I could have more time

That was before I found out you were sneakin' around behind my back

If you wanna back outta this I want you to back out now

I don't wanna have this conversation again in a month

like we did with the cabinets

"I like the nickel pulls No, I like the brass pulls"

"Oh, no, I like the nickel pulls again."

Make up your friggin' mind!

So what you're saying is if I don't do it tomorrow

- you don't want to do it at all? - That's right, Grace

It's now or never

Well, if that's the case I guess I have to go with never

Oh, I can't believe this!

This is only the most important thing we've ever done together

and you flake out on me? I don't know why that's surprising

- You're a flake! - I am not a flake!

Oh, please

The dinners you blow off the dry cleaning you forget to pick up

the rent that's late every month and it's always been this way, Grace

You skipped out on my law school graduation party before I cut the cake

- That was a big deal - It was carrot cake!

That's never a big deal!

But I always let it go, Grace

because it's not like we're making a baby or something

Except this time we're making a baby! / Yes, at the moment you say, the place you say, wearing the clothes you say

You are a control freak!

All I asked for was one month

one month to see where this is going

Oh, let me tell you where this is going

You'll end up hating him in three weeks, because--

I don't know, he has a weird chest hair pattern

or he doesn't like watching E!

Or he'll end up hating you because you're too needy

Then you'll fall apart I'll pick you up, and then

magically, you'll be ready to have a baby!

Wow

So that's what you think of me

Look, I'm sorry that I met someone

'cause I know how much you hate it when I'm happy

- Oh, that is such a load-- - Admit it

You're happiest when I'm miserable

I mean, come on

Isn't that our thing?

Because then you don't have to look at how miserable you are

Shut up, Grace! / But I am not gonna be miserable for you

I am gonna try to be happy

and if you can't deal with that

then you are even more pathetic than I thought!

- Get out of here - Go to hell!

I want you out of here in two weeks!

You don't live here anymore