Original subtitles

I don't hear a baby crying She must still be in labor

She's not giving birth, you nitwit

She's taking a pregnancy test

Here

Sweet, maybe you should try it like the girl on the box

She's--she's arching her back and throwing her arm up and smiling

I can't do this with all of you listening!

Oh / All right, we're moving

- We're in the kitchen now - Ooh, such a long walk!

So far!

That's the worst fake moving I've ever heard!

C'mon

Hey, hey, hey!

Don't get all cozy with me, Wilma! I'm still mad at you!

You shoulda told me Stan was gettin' outta the hoosegow

Hey

Who knew he was gonna cut some deal with the Feds?

The only reason I found out was

I saw the full-page ad in the New York Times:

"Welcome back, Stan Love, your friends at Pizza Hut."

Wait...

he didn't find out about your affair, did he?

No

Thank God my boobs are like arms

I was able to distract Stan with one of them

while the other one motioned for Lionel to get out the door!

C'mon, Grace!

You peed on everything else in that bathroom!

Why don't you just put the stick at the bottom of the shower?

Hey, Jack... C'mere

Stop bothering me

Jack, if there's somewhere else you need to be...

Hey, what could possibly be more important

than my best friends creating a new life?

Oops, time to stalk Kevin Bacon!

Kevin Bacon's stalker log 6 PM eastern stalker time

My heart is racing and so am I

Moving in for a closer look!

Hmm, new plant in living room

Must be gift from studio wooing "La Bacon" to do Hollow Man II

Note to self

See if I can get a job applying body makeup

Satin!

Soft!

Manly!

Must remember this for fantasy dream later!

- Honey, I got it! - Abort! Abort! Abort!

Kyra! Kyra! I gotta go...

because my hair's almost dry

and if it gets too dry then I can't put the gel in it

Well, then it won't look good!

And now it's too late and it's dry

Thanks a lot

Look, babe I--I gotta go

I'm interviewing assistants!

Hey, you're not the only busy one, okay?

Yeah

Guys? Come on in We'll do it in here

I'll call you later

Okay, I love you too

Bye

Look, um, uh

I--I-- feel like I should tell ya

I-I've never had a personal assistant before, okay?

See, I've never bought into that whole Hollywood thing, you know?

Premieres, limos paying people over minimum wage

And it's not because I'm cheap, okay?

It's just that I'm not Hollywood I'm in a band

The Bacon Brothers! That's the name of his band!

He's in a band It's called the Bacon Brothers

Right Very good

Very good You're right

And by the way if anybody wants a CD

there's a bunch of them in a shoebox on the dryer

They're, uh, 12 bucks

Please, sit

So... I was thinkin'

instead of doing some boring interview

it might be better to kinda find out what you know about me

I'm sorry, that sounds vain... me and my career

First film-- Animal House!

Character's name in Footloose-- Ren MacCormack!

Number of films with full frontal nudity...four!

Number of films with full sidal nudity...three!

Number of films with rear frontal nudity...

priceless!

Wow...

- impressive - Thank you!

The rest of you can go You know nothing about me

I gotta see the result

No! No, we've gotta wait for the timer

This is such a huge moment!

Two huge moments

We finally found a use for the butter dish

By the way, we're never using it again

I can't wait, I'm looking

- No! No! - Grace! I just--

Wow

With my fashion sense and your freakish upper body strength

this kid could take over the world!

You ready?

- Yeah - All right

The doctor said that it doesn't always work the first time, right?

That's right, that's right we'll try again in two weeks

You know, when you're ovulating again

Right

It'll be fun

I like ovulating

You know, I guess I should stop eating for two

Nah

Why stop now?

You've been doing it since you were 11

Ok, now

I gotta talk to you about something important, okay?

Okay, um, should we maybe go out

and do it in the street so people can see us together?

And--and if it leads to a dance, so be it?

Dude, dude

let's get something straight, all right?

I didn't hire you to be my pal

You're just here to make sure the S.S. Bacon stays its course

So, uh, we're not gonna dance?

'Cause, uh

you kind of implied in the interview there would be some dancin'

No, I didn't! I did not!

And would you stop bringin' that up please? Sit!

This is serious

This is gonna freak you out... but...

- I have a stalker - No! Are you sure?

Damn it!

Kyra didn't believe me either!

Why is it so hard for everyone to believe that I would have a stalker?

- Just--just find him for me, all right? - Oh, I'll find me--him!

And when I find him I am gonna stop me--him

Okay

But it's not gonna be easy

This guy is slippery

If I had a dollar for every time my jock strap had been stolen from the gym--

You'd have $186!

It's just an expression!

Karen... ya gotta put an end to it with Lionel

I mean, a husband and a lover?

I mean, when are you gonna find time to ignore your kids?

I know! Honey, I've tried

but every time I go to break up with him he flashes those pearly caps

and I end up bent over the minibar

End up?

Isn't that where you started?

So that's why I sent my number one goon there to break up with him for me

- Rosario? - Yeah

I kept her tied up outside without food for two days

so she should be extra ornery

Listen, honey, I'm gonna go grab some lunch with some of the other gals

from the typing pool

Oh!

It's Zoey's birthday Fran made cupcakes

Sheesh...

Cupcakes!

Friggin' nutbag

Ca-ray-zy!

Am I interrupting something?

Oh...oh, no, um I was just, uh-- I--I--

I have an assistant and she's...

And? do you see her now?

Leo, why are you here?

I just came by to apologize for putting my phone number in your wallet

I--I--wouldn't have done that if I'd known your situation

Pregnancy

I can say that I'm...a doctor

It's okay

I don't think Emily Post covers leaving a note for a woman

who's pregnant with her gay roommate's baby

Oh, I--I didn't know he was gay

I just thought he smelled better than most women

Except you, I mean you--you smell fantastic

Thank you it's Will's

Anyway, um, I'm-- I'm not pregnant

- It didn't take - Oh. I'm really sorry

It's okay

Well, in that case

maybe this would be a good time to ask you something--

Unbelievable!

I can't believe that you are hitting on me again!

I'm not hitting you, conceited!

I--I just--you know wanted to know if you'd, uh

decorate my office

I-I'm serious, I just wanted to liven up my office a little bit with some of this stuff

you know, like this

This--this kinda stuff

A couple a these, you know like--like this...weirdness

Does this come in a couch? Because, I tell ya, it's very--

- Ok, give that! - I like...

Hey, hey, hey! You put that down and--

- You just give-- Let me have this! - No, let-- Give it to me! Hey!

I usually don't have to work this hard, you know

I have a nice job

And I'm pretty much gonna have this hair until I'm 80

What do you think?

I...

just can't right now

So...

that means that you have to go now

I don't have to go I've got a transplant at 2:30

- But the kidney's in the cooler, so, I-- - Okay, good-bye

Hold my hand

What?

C'mon, hold my hand

All right

Look at that

That should be me

I can't believe we didn't get pregnant

Yeah

Maybe my swimmers just weren't ready for the responsibility

I mean, all they ever had to do before was just jump out and go

"whoopee!"

Or...

maybe they're just a little shy and they need a little encouragement

C'mon, let me help...

Hey now, you're an all-star get your game on, go play

- Hey now, you're a rock star--- I can't believe

in all the time I've known you that I've had to say this twice

but my penis doesn't enjoy being sung to

- Kneel down! - What are you--

I said I'd hold your hand but I draw the line--

No, we are stalking Kevin Bacon! Come on! Come on! Get in!

I thought you were his assistant!

It turns out he only needed an assistant to find the stalker

If I stop stalking, he doesn't need an assistant

So I had to re-stalk to keep my job and realize my dream of dancing with him

in a cornfield

Come on, catch up, slow mo!

This is ridiculous!

I swear if I had anything better to do with my life I'd be outta here

like a shot!

I left him a cardboard cutout of himself signed

"Nice stalkin' to ya."

Let's tune in and see how he reacts

Okay, okay

All right, he's seeing it

but he's not-- he's not moving!

Oh, my God, it's like something flattened him!

Perhaps you're looking at the cardboard cutout, dinkus

Fel-low?

Oh, hey, Kev

Hey!

What's that?

Oh, you're breakin' up where are you?

You're outside of your apartment?

Huh, wh--?

You're standing right next to me?

What are you wearin'?

- What are you doing, man? - I--um, I--I--I--I--

I found your stalker!

There is a logical explanation for this

- And now you're touching me - And now I'm touching you

Karen, thanks for taking me out to dinner

I was kind of hoping I'd have a little baby in here

but I guess a little baby back ribs will do

Well, honey

it's like the old song goes...

anyone deserves a free meal after having Will's sperm inside them

I think that was from "You're a Gay Dad, Charlie Brown."

Oh! Pull over right here, Driver!

Rosie's comin' with

She's up there breakin' up with Lionel for me

so I thought I'd take her out too

and get this supportive friend thing over with in one trip

- Hey - Oh!

honey, how'd it go?

- I couldn't do it - What?

What a man, what a man, what a man what a mighty good man!

Oh, Ro-Ro, ya didn't!

I did!

I'm only a woman

Well, half of you is

Well, you leave me no choice

I'm gonna have to bite the bullet and, uh

send Grace in there to do it for me / What?

No way! I'm not breakin' up with him!

I'm just here for the ribs and maybe some corn on the side

This is your responsibility

No, no, honey I can't!

You don't know what it's like to turn away somebody who is irresistible!

Don't I?

I just met the perfect guy

He's cute and smart and funny

His worst qualities are that he's a Jewish doctor!

But I made a promise to Will, so...

I turned him down

- Is Will still gay? - Yes

- Idiot - Hey!

No, no

Grace is right

We made commitments to our husbands

Nothing's more important than that

I'm just gonna have to march up there and tell Lionel

"You're sleazy and shameless I hate that, and we're through!"

You're sleazy and shameless!

I like that, but we're through!

- You're my one true love! - But you're not mine!

I love Stan!

Stan loves ham... ham I am! Good-bye!

Round two

Look, it's not me Okay? Jack's your stalker!

I mean, after he saw you in Apollo 13

he went to every video store in Manhattan trying to find

Apollo 1 through 12!

Come on, hot shot

There are no cops here, all right?

It's just you and me Two regular joes

Me...a Golden Globe nominee for The River Wild...

and you

a guy who just happened to be outside my apartment with binoculars

Yes, I admit that looks bad

but you've gotta believe me!

I just...I don't care that much about you

Oh, really?

Then explain this!

Go ahead, kiss it I know you want to!

And by the way, the Golden Globe nom was a total surprise

but it really meant something, you know

'cause it's not from your peers it's from the Hollywood Foreign Press

- It's not me! - I think it is!

- I'm leaving! - Please don't go!

What?

Stay!

Come on, we'll-- we'll split a Shasta

we'll--we'll bust open a box of Hydrox!

Whatdya say, cap'n?

I'm no expert, but shouldn't you be calling the police

rather than offering me snacks and calling me "cap'n"?

Look

when the stalkers leave

it's the first sign that your career is slipping

It's a little tidbit I picked up from Val Kilmer

You--you did a movie with Val Kilmer?

No, but Val was in Top Gun with Tom Cruise

and Tom was in A Few Good Men with me

Huh, that was a short one

Your fans are never gonna leave you

you're a great actor

You're lookin' good your hair's workin'

You've got the waist of a 14-year-old girl...

I mean, look at that, that's crazy!

Oh, stop

What--what--what--

what was your favorite Kevin Bacon performance?

Oh, wow...I don't-- I don't know, I--

- I loved you in Footloose - Oh, yeah, you saw that?

Yeah

Any other faves?

No, actually, that's the only one I liked

But--but, I--I liked it a lot

You know, I even, uh-- learned the dance, you know

- for our high school talent contest - Did you win?

Nah I got a nom

But it meant a lot because it didn't come from my peers

it came from the gay head of the drama department

Could you, uh do it for me now?

I don't know, it's kinda weird I don't even know if I remember it

And besides there isn't even any, uh--

It's a little more arms

Stop it! Enough! Stop it! Stop it!

You shouldn't be dancing with him!

He's not your stalker your stalker's still at large!

- But you fingered this guy! - I did not! We were just holding hands!

Your stalker's been throwing pebbles at your window for the last 15 minutes

Or maybe you didn't hear me because the music was so loud!

You...

you're my stalker

I prefer the term "professional crazed fan."

A job that's a hell of a lot more satisfying than sewing Prada labels

in your Old Navy shirts!

Go get yourself a new assistant!

If you need me I'll be in your hamper

Hey, man, I'm sorry I owe you an apology

I don't know how I can make it up to you

Five, six, seven, eight!

- Hey - Hey

What are you doin'?

You would not believe the night I had

Kevin Bacon caught me in the bushes outside his apartment

and we ended up dancing together!

I thought Jack was stalking him

Yeah, he was but then I was for a little bit

I can't wait to tell our kid that his dad danced with Kevin Bacon

Well, that should save you the trouble of telling him you're gay

Do you realize that in two weeks that kid could be on his way?

Yeah

Two weeks

Ooh, I've gotta get over to Jack's Quicksilver's on WE

Women's Entertainment Wheee!

Leo, hey It's Grace Adler

from the lamppost and the horse and the coffee shop and my office

Listen, um...

call me

Excuse me, I'm working!

Hey!

- Hi - I..Uh..

I thought you might be cold so I brought you some coco

- Thank you - You're welcome

They would be fifty cents