Original subtitles

- Hi, Grace - Hi, Jack

- Going to my audition - Going to make a baby

- Good luck - Good luck to you too

- Hi - Hi

Are you all right?

I feel like I was just hit by a bus

Did you see the guy who attacked me?

Yeah

He was about 12'5", 500 pounds Big bulb on the top of his head

This is crazy

Who is late for their own insemination?

Hi, it's Will

Is Grace there by any chance?

Well, if she shows up would you call me?

Thank you

Is that her office?

No, Benny's Taco on East 74th

Where the hell is she? I'm really getting worried here

Hey, uh... is this sexy?

It's a little sexy But m-more disturbing

You see, I told you this was faster

You wanted to take the cross-town cow

How do you have a horse in Manhattan?

I rented him in the park, you know

Some weeks we ride some weeks we just get a pretzel

Ooh, ooh, we're here Pull over

Parking spot Score!

Just slide on down I'll catch you

I gotcha

Wow, you know

some people can't do that gracefully

Ooh

- Hi - Hi

Thank you

I'm Leo Markus, by the way

Grace Adler

Maybe I can take you out sometime, you know

By you dinner, or...

You're asking me out?

Oh

You're laughin' in my face That's-- Yeah

No, it's good Guys like that

No, no. I'm not laughing at you It's, um, see, I'm about to--

Uh, ooh, this is just ironical

- So dinner? - No

Uh, look, Mr. Markus--

Dr. Markus

Uh, Dr. Mark-- Doctor?

Yeah, I know It's pretty boring

I'm just your nice average, Jewish doctor

Look, I really really have to-- Jewish?

I-I gotta go...

before I find out you come from money

Hey. Jack, what are you doing? I thought you had an audition

The part didn't speak to me

So, what, it just gave you the finger?

And, uh, opt to ignore, okay?

Anyway, um

you know, I was thinking about this whole baby thing

and, um

I decided you should have a baby with Kelly Ripa

Why?

'Cause she's Kelly

And she's Ripa

She's Kelly Ripa

I know, I know, I know I'm crazy late

- I had an accident - What happened?!

And it better not be something stupid

like when you missed my 35th birthday because you ran into a mailbox

I ran into a lamppost

- Grace! - I did! I did. Look!

A doctor on a horse came up

and took me to the drugstore to get an icepack

I'm not making this up I hurt my head

Your head?

Like you keep anything in there

Good afternoon Do we have the sperm?

Okay

You're gonna have to give me a little more notice than that

Why don't you put on this gown and we'll get started

Hey, it's not a map of space It's a gown. Come on, open it!

Stop stressing me!

Or our kid'll end up spending eight hours a day chasing his tail

Well, as long as he or she can tell the difference

between a lamppost and empty space

Where's the doctor?

Ahh, Miss Beaverhousen

That delicious scent...

I knew it either had to be you

or a thousand wild gardenias nestled in a mossy bank of money

Save it, Lionel

You're just smellin' the cheese dip in your Vandyke

Perhaps we should take a dirty bath together

Take it easy, sleazy

I only came here to give you your key back

I am a married woman

Sure, my husband is an enormous bulldozer of a man

who has to be hit with a stun gun before he can be weighed or medicated

But when I said "I do" to Stan Walker and his attorneys...

I meant that to be forever

I admire your integrity

Would you care to step inside

take your clothes off and discuss it further?

I would indeed!

Not bad

But better!

Oh, thank God

I thought I was gonna have to breast-feed the baby

I was just playin' I like what I got

Grace

Why are you up?

The doctors said the best chance of getting pregnant

was being flat on your back with your legs in the air

So come on, pretend somebody just paid for dinner

- That's offensive - Pretend it was lobster

Got you a couple of presents

Twizzlers and...

- A dictionary? - Yeah

I don't want our kid to say "ironical."

Come on, Will

Put your lips on fix your wig

'cause we are going to the new club called the Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay Club

Aw, that sounds fun Will you take me sometime?

Grace, please it's not that gay

Let's go

You don't move

Ahh, great

Knock me up and run

Somewhere my old gym teacher is saying, "I told you so."

Well, sweetie, it's been this way for generations

Moms stay home Dads go out and cruise guys

Or as my dad used to call it, "bowling."

He even got a trophy for it How sick is that?

Well, have fun

Bring me back a souvenir-- Ew. Don't

Maybe I shouldn't go

Come on, Will I'm all set

Even got my surprise underwear on

- You mean no underwear? - That's the surprise

No, I-- This-- this is our baby It should be a priority

Besides, it'd feel weird you lying here, me being out there

giving guys the old "Hey, lookin' fine in your Calvin Kleins."

You don't wink, do you?

Tell me you don't wink

He winks

You know what, no It just-- It doesn't feel right

I'm--

I'm gonna take a break from all of it

Yup, I am taking myself off the market

just for a little while

Wow

If you're going to do that maybe I should too

So we're not dating?

I think we're not

- Deal? - Deal

Hmm...

Very similar to the deal the rest of the world made not to date you

Hi, kids

Just came by to say hello Heh. I'm fine. Nothing's wrong

Everything's peachy

Hey, Karen, you seem down

Looks like you could use a shoulder to drink on

Thanks for carin', Chuck

Earlier tonight

Lionel Banks invited me to his hotel room, heh

Well, at first I didn't want to go because

well, I'm a lady, and I do have moral standards to uphold

I know! That was just for us

Anyway...

so I got to his room we started talking

Had a couple of minibars

And, uh, next thing I knew...

he's touching me

I couldn't stop him

I didn't want to!

After years of being with Stan I felt like

"finally a man who knows how to make a woman feel like a girl"

"and how to make that girl feel like a slut"

"and how to make that slut feel like a woman."

Did you do it?

We did...

everything but

- Well, well, Mrs. Walker - Ooh. Now, that's interesting

Wait a minute Everything but "B-U-T,"

or everything butt, "B-U-T-T?"

- Everything but, B-U-T - Oh, well, anybody can do that

But now I don't know what to do

I wanna see him again, but--

I don't know, should I?

Well, on one hand

Stan did give you permission to sleep with other men

while he was in prison

Yeah, but on the other hand he is your husband

you did take a vow to stay faithful to him

What are you going to do, Karen?

The only thing I can do...

I'm gonna tell Mr. Banks to take a hike

and I'm gonna wait for my man to get sprung

because, let's face it

Stanley Walker may not be a handsome man and

he may not be a charming man...

That's it

What a rook only five blueberries

$3.50 for a muffin?

You'd think they'd give ya more than-- Hold on a second

This side is lousy with blueberries

Grace Adler what are you doing here?

You didn't hit your head on that coffee urn, did you?

Leo, hi, what are you doing here?

It's fate

Once in a lifetime, the stars line up to bring two people together

That and my office is right there

- What are you doing now? - I'm joining you

- For what? - Small talk...

you know, a little back-and-forth I just went and now you go

- Leo... - Is it my turn already?

You know, heart pumps are tricky

Your turn

Okay, I get it You're fun

But I'm-- I'm just not dating

I've got a lot--

a lot on my plate right now a lot I need to focus on

Okay, I get it No date

Well, at least let me have a look at your gash

- That is the rudest thing--! - On your head

From the lamppost

I knew

Ow, ow

- Easy, easy. Come on - Calm down, hold still

- How's it look? - It looks good

It looks very good

Okay, Dr. Feelgood

Time to go operate on someone else

Let me--let me just give you something to help it heal then

It's a topical cream

Just put a little bit on two or three times a day

That's all

"Have dinner with me tonight."

Gee, tonight I don't know, I-I-I...

I have a lot on my plate right now a lot I need to focus on, so...

Good-bye

I'm coming out Buh-pow!

I want the world to know I got to let it show

I'm coming out--

Ooh, I am coming out! Ooh

Okay, patience, girls Save it for Lionel

- Wee! - Don't do it!

Honey... / I knew when you said you weren't gonna sleep with Lionel

that you would...

because that's what I would have done

Sex is a drug, Karen

I should know I'm a licensed dealer

I hate that you know me so well

But who are you to judge, Judy?

I need the touch of a strong man

And it's not enough anymore

having Rosario wrestle me into my robe every morning

You have to go Come on

- But it's wrong - Wha--?

What are you talking wrong?

You're the one who told me monogamy was for lesbians

And I still believe that, girl

But I was on stage in acting class and I had a lot of time to think

you know, during my scene partner's lines, and it came to me

Maybe cheating isn't good for a marriage

I know, honey But I'm not the one who messed it up

Stanley did, when he landed himself in jail for an extra year and a half

I know you still love him, Kar

And I love you...

and your money

I don't want to see either one get hurt

Oh, poodle

You don't have to worry about me

I know who I'm doin'

Oh, I'm--I'm sorry I was looking for Grace Adler

- I thought that she-- - No, you're right. She lives here

Oh, okay, um, she left her wallet in the coffee shop

Ah, thanks

She'll be glad to have that back

It's got her frequent frozen yogurt card in it

Just tell her Leo dropped it off. Thanks

Does she know you?

Well, we met in the coffee shop today

and a couple days ago I helped her when she ran into a lamppost

Oh, wait, you're the doctor from the park / Right

You're that--

That horse guy

Jeez, you ride a horse one time and all of a sudden you're "that horse guy."

And you're what her-- her, uh...

housekeeper?

Who am I?

Well, let's see, I'm the one that's been in her life for 15 years

I'm the one she lives with

I'm the one she's having a child with

So you wanna stick around and ask her out to a movie

or are you pretty much set, horse guy?

I'm pretty much set

I was in there two minutes and I read an entire Us magazine

Leo dropped this off

Oh! Thank God

It's got my frequent frozen yogurt card in it

What, aren't you happy for me?

Who the hell is Leo

and how long he you been seeing him? / What?

We aren't seeing each other

He--he just fixed my head when I ran into a lamppost

and then I ran into him at a coffee shop

Oh, you just keep running into things, don't you?

Why don't you run into a wedding chapel, get married

and have a baby with him?

Whoa!

- What the hell's wrong with you? - What's wrong with me?

You broke our pact.

What pack?

Not pack, pact

- That's what I said, "pack." - No, P-A-C--

- Let's take a different tack - You mean tact

No, tack! Tack, pact!

One ends with a "K." One ends with a "T."

I know, it's ironical! Look it up in the freakin' dictionary!

I didn't break any p-- agreement

All I did was have coffee with him

And I didn't even have coffee with him!

I mean, if that's not holding up my end of the pa-- agreement

- I don't know what is! - Don't give me that

I saw that look in Leo's eyes those big beautiful eyes

and that hair that probably doesn't even need product!

I bet he jumps outta the shower in the morning and does this...

- Are you jealous? - No, I am not jealous

- It's just I-I-I-I-I-I-- - What?

When you-- When you--

- What? - I-I-I-I--

I kissed a guy, okay?

At that club the other night the Gay Gay Gay Gay Gay club

I did go, and I met this guy...

a hot hot hot hot hot guy

And I know we said we were taking ourselves off the market

but then this, this Pink song came on, and...

his shirt came off And I thought

"I've got two choices here"

"I can go home, and I can take care of my future baby mama... "

"or I can get this party started."

And, Grace

I got that party started

Don't be so hard on yourself

It's a really good song

Anyway, I'm sorry

And, of course, there's nothing going on with you and that...

horse guy

It's okay, sweetie

Guys are weak

Women are tougher

We're more reliable

We can take care of ourselves

Men go out and get the food Women protect the nest

Maybe you're right

No, I mean it Go and get the food

I want some yogurt

Don't forget to get it punched because they don't offer

All right

I'll get the food

You stay here and protect the nest

And by the nest, of course I mean your hair

And by protect, I mean run a comb through it

"I can't stop thinking about you Call me. Signed, Leo's Horse."

I can't

Okay, Lionel train

Get your caboose up here!

Oh

Oh, why, Stanley