Original subtitles

Ok, What do you wanna see?

how 'bout something French like with two girls kissing?

No, nothing with subtitles It's my day off

I don't feel like reading

Hey, sweetie

We're thinking about going to a movie

What do you wanna see?

Anything but a documentary It's my day off

I don't wanna learn

What's up with the wine?

Mrs. Friedman from downstairs gave it to me

It's actually a wonderful story

She and her husband were saving itfor a special occasion

but then he, uh, died before they had a chance to open it

so she gave it to me and said "Make your own special occasion"

I guess that story's not so much wonderful as it is incredibly sad

You know what else is incredibly sad?

Poor people with big dreams

Actually, that's not so much sad as it is incredibly funny

You know, we should do this

We should save that wine for a special occasion

You know, something where-- where the four of us have all done something

that we're incredibly proud of

You know, we can wait 20 years if we have to

Ah, screw it. Open it I wanna have a buzz for the movies

One step ahead of you I never gave a crap about Mr. Friedman

You know I hope I don't have any regrets like that when I'm 75

I know

How do you deal with it, Karen?

Oh! Oh, Wilma

I have so much money

You know the one thing I really wanna do before i die?

Run the marathon

It would be such a feeling of accomplishment

Mile one, down Mile 2, down

Mile 3, down Mile 4, down

- All right! - We get it, we get it, we get it!

You know what I've always wanted to do?

Perform on the Broadway stage

The make up, the wigs the costumes

And then I'd walk to the theater

You know there is something I've been putting off for a long time

And I've avoided it because well...

frankly it scares me a little

I'm supposed to have a conjugal visit with Stan

You know what? We should do all of these things

Oh, come on, honey that's easy for you to say

All you gotta do is run a lousy marathon

Stan weighs 5,000 pounds It's 26 miles just circling him!

No, I'm serious I'm tired of talking about it all the time

I am going to train for the marathon

and I am going to do it

You know what, G?

I'm gonna audition for a Broadway play

because if I can't make it there I can't make it anyplace

Hey! I'm gonna boink my fat husband in prison

Well, I need to drink to that

Come on, Kar

What do you think we should get facials or colonics?

I don't know Let's flip a coin for it

Heads or tails? So long!

Ah well, you've been a little quiet

Isn't there something you wanna do before it's too late?

Well, there's something I wanna have a baby, you know

I wanna have a child

And you should someday

You're gonna make a terrific father

Yeah, But I wanna do it now And I wanna do it with you

I guess you're one of those therapists that likes us to start

I hate that

I mean, I--I don't hate you just your methods

I don't know you well enough to hate you

Not to suggest that if I did know you I would hate you

but I guess it is always a possibility

I mean, if you said something hateful, I--

$4 a minute, Grace

Ok, Let me just get you up to speed

Gay Straight

Gentile Jew

36 29

33 / 24 Sold

We've been best friends for, like

15 years, and we've always said that one day we'd have a baby together

And I wanna do it now

and she's not so sure and ever since I brought it up

she's been avoiding me

and we've been having stupid fights

I haven't been avoiding you

You have, too!

I--I--I come in the room

and you scurry behind the couch like a silverfish

Do you have to go to the anti-Semitic place?

What are you talking about?

Silver fish? Silverberg?

Gefilte fish?

We get it

You see, this would be one of the stupid fights

Rosie, hi Listen to this

They don't even let you turn the lights out

I can't have sex with Stan if I can see him!

How am I supposed to have a conjugal watchin' that con jiggle?!

Yeah, Ok Thanks, honey

See you back at the mans

I'm in the nude for love

Scooba da boo, salami

Just in case he forgets his way

What the?

A security camera?!

Oh, I cannot believe this!

Oh, whatever happened to privacy?

I am outraged I'm appalled!

I'm...I'm turned on!

Hot jazz!

What's that you say?

Sure, he can dance but can he sing?

Maria. I just met a "girl" named Maria

and suddenly I've found how wonderful

a sound can be "Maria," say~~~

what does that mean right there?

What's going on there?

'Cause that's in my sightline, ok?

You know, um, when they flash the red light at the duplex

that means they want the guy to get off the stage!

Oh, no, I'm not leaving

No, I'm not getting off this stage

I--I--I'm gonna read for your play

and do you know why?

Because I want it to be a runaway hit!

Hey! Hey! You don't even know who I am!

You don't even know what I can offer!

Why, I could--I could be the next Sir Judi Dench

or Dame Ian McKellen!

Do you really wanna be known

as the producers who passed that up?

Oh, my god, it totally worked

Ok, look

I don't know if I'm ready for this

I mean, there's a lot of things?

I wanna do with my life

and I don't know if I can do it with a baby

I wanna travel the world

Anywhere Everywhere

You know, as long as it's clean and they speak English and it's safe

You've just narrowed your world travel plans down to Denver

Grace, what is the problem?

What are you-- what are you doing here?

We've always talked about doing this / I know--

And you're always making us stop in front of baby gap to go

"aw!" at the little high tops

And the-- and the little baby backpacks!

I mean, why would a baby need a backpack?

Maybe to carry stuff to his homies' cribs

I don't know!

Let's just have a baby and find out

Come on what's holding you back?

- I don't know It's just-- - what?

I--I guess a part of me does wanna have a baby, but

Grace, it's me

If there's something you wanna say, just say it

I'm just not sure I wanna do it with you

What are you....

What do you mean you don't wanna do it with me?

For years, we've talked about how we're gonna do this!

When my--when my friend Claire wanted my sperm

so she could have a baby you said no

because it was your sperm!

You practically planted a flag in my testicles!

Well, that's because it is my sperm

But it's my safety sperm

You know, like the safety school?

You--you apply to college and it's the one school, you know

you're gonna get into just in case everything else falls through

You're saying my sperm is Florida State?

Look, it-- it was a fallback position

It was always the thing that I was gonna do if I didn't find Mr Right

and I'm just not sure that I'm ready to give up on that yet

Yeah, well, you know you're probably right

I mean, just 'cause it didn't work out with

Danny or Nathan or Josh or Ben or Bill

or Mark or Six-Toe or Unibrow

It doesn't mean it won't work out with that pizza guy you've been eyeing

I'm sure you two will be very happy together, you know

with your three beautiful children

Pepperoni, Mushroom and Extra Cheese

That was mean

You know, this is all very easy for you

I have the kid ,You're a dad You're happy

But who am I in all this?

The mom of my gay roommate's baby?

That's not exactly the family

I dreamed of

Well, you--you think this is my dream?

I never thought I'd have a child this way!

I assumed I'd be with a guy! You know

Rick, and six years into the relationship

when we got tired of running a bed and breakfast in Vermont

we'd decide to have a family

Ok, well, what about Rick? Where is Rick?

Is he in the TV room where you spend every Saturday night?

Does he appear on the gay channel

that you added and don't think I know about?

I mean, you sat here and you listed my--my failures!

At least I have failures to list!

At least I tried!

You haven't had a serious relationship in five years!

No, I haven't!

Well, then maybe you need to ask yourself

why you want this baby

Is it because you are so full of love?

And there's no one in your life??

And so now you wanna make a little guy or girl to give it to?

So what?

Isn't that a perfectly good reason to have a baby?

I mean, isn't it?

Isn't it?

It isn't, is it?

So you're really going to watch us have sex?

Well, honey it isn't going to be pretty

The good news is it isn't going to be long either

And it should be pretty quick, too

I like you

Stanley? Hi, sweetheart

Oh, I know it's been so long

I can't wait to run up and throw my arms

two-thirds of the way around you

So come on--

What?

What do you mean you're not coming? What happened?

You, son of a bitch

How could you do this to me?

Well, it's been fun, cammie but I'm outta here

Yeah

The bastard used his library time to do a little insider trading

They found out

now he's going to be in for a lot longer

Why couldn't he use his library time to read the Bible

or expose himself to the newbies like the rest of the boys on Cellblock Fat?

What?! No, you listen

I've been putting on a brave face for eight months

well, eight months ago in Brazil I had one put on

But do you think this has been easy for me?

Well, it hasn't

But I thought you were getting out soon

so I held on?

so that we could start our lives over

And then you go and do this

you screwed up, Stan

No, I don't--

no, I don't know if I can forgive you

And I'll tell you something else Mr Walker

I'm tired, and I don't know if I can do this anymore

Did you know about this?

And you didn`t tell me

You should be ashamed of yourself

I guess I just got caught up in the romantic notion

of what it would be like to have a baby with her, you know?

I mean, you'd be all gorgeous and pregnant and glowing and booby

and when you had the baby I'd be in the delivery room

When you were pushing and screaming at me to rot in hell

I would

And we'd raise him with the values that were important to us

Respect for other people's opinions

except for you know

ones that were different than ours

On his first date with a girl--or a boy

Or if it's a girl, a boy

or a girl

we'd be home all nervous and waiting

but acting like we weren't

Then one day when he went off to college

we'd wave good-bye and

look at each other and say

"You know what?"

"We did a good job"

I want to have a baby with you!

Let's see

"Please, Mr O'Shaughnessy I'm begging you"

"I can't stand out here any longer in this unbearable"

"heat" Oh

it's hot

"We need food or else I fear my family will perish"

"and my harp will break"

"heart"

"My heart will break"

I said "harp will break" Did you hear that?

Harp! Bblllingg Bing!

Harp!

Where was I? Let's see, OK!

"Deirdre's got no milk for the wee one and the oldest girl is dead"

Harp! I can't believe I said harp!

That is the funniest I thought the "P" was a "T"

That's so funny

Ok, ok, wait

"So please I'm begging you"

"it's only a loaf of bread to you but for us, it's life"

Let me-- let me try that again

"It's only a loaf of bread to you"

"it's only a loaf of bread"

"It's only......"

I'm just going to stop

Ok, I just..... it's just, um

This isn't

It's me

I'm not good, am I?

Wait, don't answer that I already know

All these years everybody keeps telling me

Thanks for your time, though

You can, um, put your red light on now

'cause I-- I'm done

with all of this

I'm not an actor

Really, it's ok You can turn it on

And scene

I can't.... I, uh I'm so confused You--

you want to have a baby now?

I do Do you?

I don't!

What?

But the reason we're here is because you wanted to have a baby

I did, but then you talked me out of it

But then you talked me into it with all your talk about talking me out of it

But you haven't talked me back into it with all your talk of--of--

Talk me back into it!

Oh, this is ridiculous

We don't sound like two people who should be having a child

This is something we should be sure of

Yeah, you're right I mean

it's...it's not like super-sizing a happy meal

Yeah, 'cause that's always a yes

Will, we can do this

I don't see how I can I mean what if--

w-what if I am doing this for all the wrong reasons?

What difference does it make

what your reasons are for wanting to love a child?

Isn't the most important thing the love part?

And as far as I'm concerned if Mr Right and the father of my child

turns out to be two different people

would that be so bad?

What?

We got a million reasons not to do this

but I ...

I just keep imagining

this kid in some cosmic waiting room

and he's our kid

And I'd really like to meet him

Me, too

Are we doing this?

I mean, are we going to have a baby?

Oh, my god I guess we are!

Well, we have two minutes left

Is there anything we haven't covered?

I don't know After something that huge

it's kind of hard to, uh

She never cleans up

and it really bugs me

It's just a response to his compulsiveness

Everything in the refrigerator has to face forward

How else are you going to know what it is, huh?

Say something!