Original subtitles

Ok, huge news! Gather round!

Where's everybody?

Are you the only one here? Where's Will? Not here? Ok, that's fine. You'll do. Come on.

Hey, I was just watching a special:

"The Ten Greatest Bathrooms in the World." They were just about to do number two.

That sounded bad. Go ahead.

Ok.

As you know, this weekend, my new show opens at the Duplex,

and this year, I'm giving my fans something I know they're dying for.

Their money back?

Wait. I don't-- Was it-- I-- Was that a joke? 'Cause--that's fine. Ok.

Ok. This year, my show will feature...

Wait for it. Here it comes. Are you sittin'? It's on its way. Are you sittin'?

Just say it!

Magic.

Jack, I did not know that you know magic.

But of course.

When I was a kid, I used to lock myself in my room with handcuffs...

Wait. That's not my magic story.

Anyway, I can do it, and the reason I'm here is because I need a lovely assistant.

I'm flattered.

So I was thinking of asking Karen,

and that's why I'm here. I need your opinion. Is she a good assistant?

How do I put this?

She's as good an assistant... as you are an entertainer.

You're the best, Grace.

I'm thanking you in the program under the pseudonym "Citizens of New York."

Thank you.

Jack, where were you? You were supposed to go to the HRC dinner with me.

I know. I wanted to, but I just didn't have a cute little tank top and shorts to wear.

Uh, let me explain this again. It's HRC, the Human Rights Campaign, not HRC, the Health and Racket Club.

It's a gay and lesbian advocacy group.

Ok, uh, I'm gonna tell you guys again, ok? I didn't have a cute little tank top and shorts to wear.

Ok. Hey, G. Tell W about the magic. Get him up to speed. Thank you.

Do I care about any of that?

Absolutely not.

How was the dinner?

It was amazing.

2,500 gay men who care.

It's, uh... everything my life is lacking.

Ooh! Guess what I got at the silent auction?!

I won a photo session with Fannie Lieber.

No!

Oh, my God!

I know!

I love her!

She is so edgy. She's genius.

She once took a picture of Martha Stewart when she wasn't selling anything.

She looked so vulnerable.

I just--I just wanted to hug her, but...

but you couldn't, 'cause she's Martha Stewart, you know.

Well, anyway, here's the cool part. The picture is gonna appear in her next coffee table book.

All family portraits, and I'm thinkin' since my parents are splitting up,

and I haven't been able to sit on a couch with my brothers since the invention of the noogie, that... You and me.

What?

Hell. You're my family.

Ooh, Will, that's so sweet.

You win this huge thing at an auction, and you think of me? Do I have to kick in?

No.

Oh!

I--I won the family portrait at the HRC auction last week.

I beat out two lesbians with a Chihuahua.

Oh, great. People who've never been in front of a camera before. Joy.

Um, excuse me. Excuse me.

I've been professionally photographed.

Wait, uh, are you talking about that picture your dermatologist took of that freaky skin rash?

Will.

Yes, I am. Don't embarrass me!

Ow! Sorry!

Ok, look. Just so you know, this is a drug free environment, all right?

Fannie's about to get her 90-day chip, and we're all doin' our best to support her.

Me, I got 10 years under my belt... and nothin' to show for it but a clean carpet and an empty bed.

Well, uh, we're pretty much drug free.

I mean, I've got a Claritin... and he's got a Propecia.

That's for the rash comment.

Do me a favor, babe.

Get me a Red Bull and one of those candy necklaces.

You guys won the, uh, gay auction, huh?

Good for you. I love fags. I married three of 'em.

Wow. Lucky.

We--we are huge-- huge fans of your work.

I mean, I've gotta tell you, that picture of Bette Midler in the tub of baked beans...

It brought two of my favorite things together.

Hold on. I got to, uh, reload.

What is the deal with her? I thought she'd be so dynamic.

Instead, she's like sad clerk at Blockbuster.

"I'm sorry. We're outta Shrek."

Grace, I--I'm a model, so let me explain this to you.

Photographers are observers. they're-- they're low-key. They tend to fade into the background.

Whoo! I am in the mood for F-ing life!

What-- What happened to her?

I don't know, but we need to get a curtain like that for our house.

Do you believe in magic?

I do!

In a young girl's heart?

Music can free her whenever it starts. Magic.

And it's starting right now.

Good, 'cause I don't think I can wait any longer for some of that old Jack Daniels!

Jack magic.

Honey, you say "potato," I say, "vodka."

Now for my first trick, I will turn everyone in the audience gay.

Ala-kazam, ala-kum-hot, ala-kum-dum...

Poofter! You're all gay!

Didn't need any magic for that one.

Now for my next trick, I will ask my lovely assistant to step inside the magic box.

Uh-oh, I might be a little rusty.

I haven't done that since my junior year at Sarah Lawrence.

Here she goes.

Hocus...

Uh... Um, line?

Pocus!

Pocus!

Oh!

It's a little jack-- rabbit.

Ok.

Hocus...

Are you ready?

No. Oh!

Karen?

Yeah?

Are you ready?

Oh! Ok, ok, yeah.

Pocus!

JThank you. Thank you.

Now for my next trick, I'll need a volunteer, which would be a nice change of pace, seeing as they usually charge me.

Honey, honey! I just had an idea for a trick!

Oh, heh. An unscripted moment.

Almost as pleasant to behold as Liza's new bride.

Ok. Watch as I double the number of people in the audience.

Come on, strap one on me! I'm ready to shoot.

Wait, wait, wait. Before--before we start, I mean, is what I'm wearing ok?

Ok, the shirt's off.

Oh, hey. Ok, Will, she's takin' my pants off.

Oh, you're Jewish.

How could you tell that?

Cheap underwear.

It's ok. I love the Jews. I married three of 'em. Ok, let's go!

You are so hot. Oh, boy, you know, I bet boys and girls like you. Ok, let's go!

Uh, what about me?

What about you?

Oh! Oh!

Where's my Bull?!

Yeah. Uh... I--I meant more, like, I'm not crazy about my forehead.

Is there any angle you could shoot me from to kinda minimize that?

You know, I'm not in the business of minimizing foreheads.

I'm in the business of maximizing truth. You have a big forehead, and that's the truth.

Ok, now... ok, this is how we do it here.

I'm gonna give you some simple directions. You do exactly what I say. No questions.

Ok, let's have some music.

My bonnie lies over the ocean, my bonnie lies over the sea--

Not you! Crank it, come on!

Ok, gimme some shoulder. Let the arms go. Let the arms go.

All right. Ok. Shake it. Shake it. Shake it. Ok. All right. Ok. Ok, roll the head. Roll it.

Roll it. Ok. Jaw. Jaw. Lips. Chest. Chest. Chest.

Chest! Chest! You're not givin' it to me!

I don't have it to give!

Ok, ok, now, push your heads together. Push your heads together.

Lock knees. Lock knees. I'm gonna get a little lower.

A little lower. A little lower. A little lower.

Uh, Fannie?

Ms. Lieber?

Is she ok?

We should check.

That's it. We're done.

Wake me when David Geffen's dalmation gets here.

Ok. What the hell were you doin' goin' off book tonight?

What are you talking about? Honey, we killed!

I'm talkin' about that cruise ship comedy you did with your drink.

My show is planned down to the smallest detail.

From the arch in my eye, to the limp in my wrist, and you pulled some cheap comedy bit we've seen 1,000 times? God!

Oh, honey, who cares?

I was a big hit, and you know-- Oh, I had another idea for our next show.

You don't get to have ideas.

This show is called "That Old Jack Magic," not "That Old Assistant's Magic."

Oh! Old?!

Well, how do you know that? There are parts of me that were just a twinkle in a scientist's eye three weeks ago.

Besides, I was just trying to help.

You wanna help? Then remember your place. You're the assistant...

And let's not forget where that word comes from-- Latin, meaning "ass of an ant."

So keep your ideas to yourself and assist. It shouldn't be that hard. It's what you do. Get it?

I'm gonna be so mad when my mood elevators wear off.

Guess what I got?

A cold sore? Me too!

No... I got our photograph from Fannie Lieber.

Oh. I was--I was just-- I was totally just makin'... Fannie Lieber! Oh, my God! Yay!

Yeah.

That was so sweet of you to wait for me!

Well, you would have waited for me.

Sure. Ok.

Oh, my god, I love it! Look at me!

I'm gorgeous!

The hair, the cheekbones, the lips. It's all workin' for me...

And you look good.

I look awful! Why am I so mad? I look like an angry foreigner.

"Could you tell me, please, where is Times Square?!"

I--I--I don't want this in any book.

What? No! I mean, what are you gonna do?

You can't go back to Fannie Lieber and tell her that you want a re-shoot.

Since when are you afraid to tell people what you think?

You walked right up to Kevin Spacey and told him he owed you 9 bucks for K-PAX.

I think it went something like this: "Hey, Spacey! Pay it forward!"

Ok, fine. We'll go.

I just don't understand why I should be punished for being so photogenic.

Now for my next trick, I'm gonna ask my lovely assistant to get inside the box.

Get in the box.

No!

Get in the box!

All right!

Sarah Lawrence. Cheap lesbian joke. I'm in the box.

Magic.

Hocus...

Pocus.

Thank you. Thank you.

It's a jack rabbit. Ok, a jack rabbit.

Ok. Hocus...

Pocus!

Hocus pocus!

Karen, come through the false back in the box!

Hocus pocus!

Karen?

You stink.

Oh, look who's here. Oh, my god. I had such fun with you guys.

Oh, God. The attitude you get from people who matter.

And you... you were so--

So tell me. How'd you like the picture?

I loved it.

You loved it.

I loved it.

You loved it.

I loved it.

Did you love it?

I didn't love it.

You didn't love it.

Didn't love it.

You just lost a dry hump, buddy.

It's just, you know, we were thinking because we're gonna be in the book that, maybe we can get a better picture.

You know, one where I where I look like a happy American.

You know, like, "Times Square? Why, yes, it's this way."

Whoa. You know, I have been doing this for a long time.

I mean, I have shot rock stars, politicians, movie stars, my own vagina...

and this is the first time anyone has ever, ever asked me for a re-shoot.

Yeah, but the difference is, you know, it's not a big deal to those people, or--

or to your vagina, but, you know, to us, this is-- this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

Please?

All right. Damn it!

Why am I such a sucker for a gay guy who begs?

The story of my life, sister.

Hey, you.

What's up, doc? I'm just--

You know, I never really noticed before how bloodshot your eyes are.

Karen?!

No. No, that's crazy.

You're a rabbit...

Right?

Well, just in case...

I'm so sorry.

You have to understand that fame, like Toby�s new lover, is a rude, ugly, gay guy.

I let it go to my head.

I should have been-- I should have been grateful to have any of your ideas.

This is nice. Is this mink?

Wait a minute. This is weird. This is totally weird.

I mean, you're-- you're a rabbit. You're not Karen. Are you?

Oh, you goof, turn around.

Oh, my god, Karen, I'm so sorry about all those things I said. I--

Hey, honey, it's ok. It's ok. I heard everything, and...

anything I missed, I'll--I'll get from that cat.

Forgiven?

And forgotten.

Hey, look at that. An upper.

Honey, that's really good. How'd you do that?

Do what? That's just in your ear.

Hey, now, that's a photograph. Look at that handsome fella.

I don't think I've ever looked better...

and--and you look good.

We're goin' back, aren't we?

Come on, darling. Look at me like I'm a bucket of chicken.

I wanna see that mixture of desire and fear.

Fannie.

Uh... hi!

Hello!

Oh, balls. You two?

Anyway, about-- About our picture...

Look at me. I look all-- all puffy and mannish.

I'm like Puff, the magic drag queen.

I love mine.

Ready for my dry hump.

We need a re-shoot,

and you might as well say yes now before I-- I make my gay guy beg for it.

Ok, Cindy. Go get some dinner. There's water and cigarettes in the back.

Yes! Ok. Ok, here we go.

All right. Ass. Teeth. Ass. Teeth.

Stop. There's not gonna be any picture.

What? What do you mean?

When he looked grotesque, you redid his!

Wh-wh-wh-wh-whoa. "Grotesque?" You said I didn't look that bad.

Sweetie, we have no time to pretend.

Don't you guys have anything better to do than obsess about looking perfect in some photo?

I mean, don't you have lives?

Yes, we have lives. I just got TiVo.

And I am this close to learning how to use it.

Well, how about getting something real to focus on like a dog or a plant or an addiction? I mean, something.

Look, I know Grace, and having some plant is not gonna make her care any less about looking like H.R. Puffy-Face.

And a dog is not gonna make him care any less about looking repulsive.

Why do you have to dig?

I'm not digging.

You just called me repulsive.

I didn't call you "grotesque."

Oh, please! You're just splitting hairs now. Repulsive--

Just do something. Have a baby. I don't know. I don't care. Just get out of my life.

Hey, that's a good idea. Let's have a baby.

Sure. That would make one hell of a family portrait.

Hey, Grace, wanna have a baby right now?

Yeah! I think I'm ready! Let's do it!

That's the one.