Original subtitles

Anyway, I turned around to pick up my order and

when I looked back my laptop was gone

It was so pretty Titanium

It went with everything he has

It made me look thin and tall

It had all of my work on it all of my memos, my briefs...

all of my e-mail!

Sweetie, calm down

It just a thing No object is that important

- It had your DVD in it - Not Bring It On?!

So, what are you going to do? You think you're gonna find it?

Well, of course

We'll seal off all the bridges and tunnels

We'll scramble a couple of F16s out of McGuire

Do you think this man finds you funny, Officer?

Detective Hatch I-- I didn't realize you were here

Maybe I should leave so you can continue acting

like a schmuck in front of two citizens from New York

- Come on. Get out of here - Yes, sir

I apologize for the officer

He's picked up a little bit of an attitude

since he's been a technical consultant on "NYPD Blue."

- I'm Detective Hatch - Uh, Will Truman

What's the problem, Mr. Truman?

I got him the wrong muffin / Yeah

I wanted the chocolate chip muffin She got me raisin

Why didn't you get him the chocolate chip, ma'am?

Well, I-- It--

Ok, it was the only one left and I wanted it!

So I got Will the raisin and I bought the chocolate chip for myself

and I ate it in the ladies' room Are you happy now?!

I don't believe you!

I've been talking about a chocolate chip muffin

- since I woke up this morning! - Oh, get a life, Will

It's a muffin! And it was good

Let's take it easy Everybody's a little emotional here

what with the robbery and the muffin

Why don't you take it easy on your girlfriend?

Hey, she's not my girlfriend

Ok? My girlfriend wouldn't leave my laptop

to eat a muffin in a bathroom stall!

My girlfriend also wouldn't be a girl

Oh Oh, I see

Well, I guess, uh--

I guess I got everything here Is that your home number, Mr. Truman?

Yes. Look, is there anything I can do to help?

Because I'll do it

Well, uh, we need more victims like you to get involved

Hey, this victims is totally willing to get involved

That's exactly how his last personal ad read

All right, well I'll be in touch, and, uh

ma'am, you might want to keep that purse closed

Oh, oh, right, because now this is a crime scene

No, because your friend might see

that you got two other chocolate chip muffins in there

Jack!

Move your bunny slippers I'm trying to work on my presentation

Not really my problem

I'm trying to take care of my needs here, all right?

Just a little something I learned in gay group therapy

Jack, inviting three hot guys over to your apartment for a "four-gy"

does not qualify as group therapy

I'm talking about actual therapy

You know, at first I thought group would be a great way to meet guys

You know I love me some crazies

But as it turns out I actually have a problem

Would you like to know what it is? / Get out

I'm too much of a giver

That's right I give a little bit too much

Always putting other people's needs before mine

Well, no more!

Before it used to be World, Jack

Now it's Jack, World

Hey, Jack world

how about you move your Jack feet before I kick your Jack ass?

Wow, you are toxic

I think you need a little gay group therapy

- Oh, hey, poodle - Hi, Kare

I'd love to stay and fondle

but Grace's mood ring is a filthy brown today

Ok

- One for the road? - Ok..

Hey, Kare

did you bring me that sample I asked for?

I sure did, honey

Here you go

Please, God, tell me that's not your urine

Oh! Honey of course it isn't

It's Rosario's

This puppy has gotten me out of more jail time than you'll ever know

Was that not right?

Tile samples-- I needed you to bring my--

Ok. Ok Ok, never mind

Did you take the pictures of those stools I -- Wait!

Do not answer that Do not show me anything

Knock knock

I thought it was rude to eavesdrop, so I just came in

Oh, hey-- Hey, Val

Isn't that the loon from upstairs that likes to beat you up?

- Yeah. Get rid of her - Ok

So, um, listen, Val...

I was just-- just bringing you your phone bill

- 'cause they put it in my box - Ok, don't come any closer!

The clump of hair that you ripped out...is just starting to grow back in

Oh, come on, silly I'm not like that anymore

You are looking at a totally new me / Why?

You finally working as a team with the people in your head?

Well, kind of

Actually, I'm on this amazing new psychotropic drug

I mean, sure, I have no sex drive and I'm always dizzy

but I think I could be a really good friend

Here

So what are you working on there, G-Dog?

Um, it's a meditation room for this client I'm trying to land

Wow That's nifty

I'd sure love a room like that

I'm surprised the court hasn't ordered you to be in a room like that

Very funny!

Tickle-tickle-tickle-tickle!

You're ticklish

See? You know what? I miss this!

I miss this so much

Well, now, see here's the deal

We could have this-- If you were not this--

All right

Hey, can I take this?

'Cause some day you're gonna be really famous

and I can say that I knew you when

Sure, but you know, Val I really do need to get back to work

Oh, sure

I just wanted to come and let you know that I'm doing a lot better

Is that your urine or mine?

I confess

When I first started gay group therapy

I just thought it was a really great place to meet guys

But now as I look around the room and I see you all looking back at me

I realize... it's not such a great place to meet guys

Gavin

the last time you shared

you spoke about how your fear of rejection

often leads you to make up elaborate stories

in order to spend time with the men you find attractive

How's that going?

Well, I'm doing it again you know, and it's killing me

I--I met this really good-looking guy today at this coffee shop

and instead of asking him out

I offered to help him find his stolen laptop

Go on, Gavin

Well, I don't know why I'm so shy with men

You know, maybe it's because I came out so late in my life

but, you know why can't I just say, you know

"Hi, I'm Gavin You want a cup of coffee?"

"A chocolate chip muffin?"

Nah, I'm a mess

Maybe a cookie will cheer you up, huh?

Want a little cookie? Hmm?

You know, I prefer the minis

The cream-to-cookie ratio is just so much better for me

You know?

You got something in your teeth

Whatever

No, really Just stop it

This really freaks me out

I got--I got a thing about this, ok? So--

- Seriously? This freaks you out? - Stop this now, all right?

Just stop it! I told-- Stop!Doctor--

Jack!

You know Gavin has problems with food in teeth

Now kindly respect that

Sorry, Gavin

Weirdo

Gavin, what do you think your next move should be with this guy?

Well, I like the guy

You know, I want to go out with him and I think I should be totally honest

I think I should stop all these stories and just tell him the truth

A gay laptop-theft ring?

You gotta be kidding me!

No, I'm afraid so It looks like you're the latest victim

Why would they want gay people's computers?

Well, for one thing you know, they're organized

very neat desktops usually have a carrying case

You can dress it up or dress it down

Anyway, that's not the point

I thought we could do some surveillance

We?

Well, you said you wanted to get involved

Yeah No, I'd love to

I love police business

You have terrific teeth-- Really clean

Uh, let's go undercover Say, Saturday, eight-ish?

Great

Undercover, wow Hey, do I get to wear a wire?

Will we be in dark alleys with really wet streets?

I'm not afraid I'm just thinking about footwear

I'm actually thinking of this hot gay club on 14th Street

You know, obvious target Lots of laptop users there

A club?

You really think we're gonna find the perps there?

"Perps." That's very cute

And I think the meditation room

will end up being your favorite room in the house

Oh, every room is my favorite now that my wife has left me

Well, let me paint a picture

Imagine yourself in an oasis of calm

A place where the world shuts down and the noise stops

Yes

Exactly

Your cares melt away as you step onto the heated stone floor

Mmm, a warmth envelops you from within

You lose yourself as you listen to the soothing trickle

of the Japanese rock fountain

Oh

which mingles harmoniously with the soothing trickle

of the morphine drip

Around you

cabinets full of pills await your every mood

Your turn

Medi-ta-tion room not medi-ca-tion room

You say "potato"...

Anyway, I hope you're getting a sense of what I'm trying to do

Yeah, yeah, it's great I'd go with it right now

but I promised another designer that I would hear her ideas, too

Maybe you know her? She works right next door

Next door? When did a designer move into the--

Hey, neighbs

Vince?

Whenever you're ready

and I have a great idea for a meditation room

Who's crazy now, huh, Grace? You you you you you you you you!

I hate her I hate Val

I'm the kind of person who doesn't hate anyone!

- You hate your sister - Well, she's hateful!

But besides her I don't hate anyone

- You hate your doorman - Well, he calls me "kiddo" and clicks

Besides my doorman and my sister I don't hate anyone

- You hate Teri Hatcher - Oh, who doesn't?!

Ok, fine! So I hate a lot of people

but I hate Val more!

She stole my ideas, then she has the audacity to come in here

and ask to see my carpet samples?!

Oh, she was hitting on you?!

No

to use in her presentation

and I told her no way is she borrowing my stuff

Over my dead body!

I think there's somebody back there stealing stuff!

- I'm gonna hit her so hard!! - Honey, no!

Just one in the face It's the only thing she responds to

No, no, no

Now come on. Come on Come on. Come on

Now listen to me!

If there's anything I've learned

from studying the ancient Chinese art of t'ai chi

it's that if you do it in the morning a couple hours later

you're gonna want to do it again

You know what I'm talking about?

But if there's another thing I learned

is that violence is never the answer

You're right

of course, of course you're right

Oh ho! Come on, come on now!

Now, the important thing is to blend in

Remember

we are two gay laptop users on a date

- It's only a matter of time - All right

Should I be wearing a bullet-proof vest?

Or, considering this is a gay bar a bullet-proof leather vest?

No, you look fine, Will You're doing the right thing

If we had more people like you

we'd get some of that scum off the streets

Now, look at me like you love me

What? Oh! Oh, I see

Because the-- Right Ok, um... how's this?

I'm sorry

It's just-- you--you looked like you were buying it

Did I?

You know I'm kinda surprised

that anybody would bring their laptop to a bar

- Hold my hand - Sure

You know, but I guess gay people are more likely to come straight

from the office with their laptops

have a few drinks and that's when it happens

That's a good observation You'd make a hell of a cop--

Perceptive, intelligent

You got a set of eyes like two inviting pools of chocolate pudding

Well, we look for that on the force

Love this song Got a good beat

I guess that would make us "good beat" cops

You wanna dance?

Oh! Oh, so that way we leave the laptops unattended

Yeah, sure Whatever

Hey, that guy looks suspicious

He's in a gay bar eating a hot dog without any irony

You stay right where you are I'm gonna try to get a better view

Oh, yeah

I can see a lot better from back here

I want my baby back baby back, baby back

I want my baby back baby back, baby back. I want--

Oh, hey, honey

- How you doing? - Great

I took all my anger towards Val and I put it entirely into my work

Well, maybe not entirely

I did make a crank call to Teri Hatcher

That's so funny, Vince!

- Hi, Grace - Hey, G-Love

Listen, I ran into Val in the lobby and she had an interesting idea

to combine both of your presentations

into the same meeting What do you think, huh?

Well, um, you know I'm not really one to combine things

I mean, I can't even eat my peas if they're touching the meat

especially if the meat is crazy

But--but if it will save you time

then let's do it

Yeah, let's do it

'Cause this woman has more talent in her little-boy breasts

than you have in your whole body

Ok, I have some sketches here for the living room

I have some sketches, too, Vince

but unfortunately they're up here in the ol' kanoodle

Ok

Why don't we now hear some ideas for the bedroom?

Ok. Well, first of all

I think what we need to do in here is to--

Create an intimate feeling

And I thought--

One way we could accomplish that

is to upholster the walls with a lovely silk moir?

.....silk moir?

That will give the room a sense of luxury

and it will also absorb some of the sound

....some of the sound

Your other option, of course is to cover the walls with--

Stop it

You stop it!

You stop it! You're a nutjob!

You're a nutjob!

You're a nutjob!

You're a nutjob!

You're a nutjob!

- You're a nutjob! - Ladies, ladies!

Oh, ladies

Vince

I think these two ponies need to be hosed down

Come out in the hallway for a minute while I talk to them, ok?

- Yeah, sure - Thanks

So what's the matter, Grace?

You can't compete with another designer

who actually has a little talent?!

- You stole my ideas, freak show! - Oh, puh-leaze!

You!

Ladies! Ladies! Ladies! Ladies!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Come Come. Come. No, no, no, no

Come on, ladies. Stop it! Stop it right now, both of you!

Come here. Come here Come here right now

Oh! Come here

Whoa. Now, listen to me! I'm ashamed of both of you

If there is one thing that I have learned

from studying the ancient Chinese art of t'ai chi...

is that violence is never the answer

but sometimes it is T'ai chi!

Is she out?

She's out

Ok. Honey, you go get Vince I'll get rid of the body

Uh, should we maybe go--

We should keep dancing

The number-one lesson

when you're on a stakeout is never change your spot if it's good

Ok

La la la la la. La la la la la~~~ A-doobie doobie do-doo~~~

- Hey, that's annoying - Hang on. Let me just get this out

Oh!

Feel a little awkward

It's been a long time since I slow-danced...

with a cop...

whose gun is poking me in the back...

I hope

Sh-sh-sh-sh-shh

Yeah, you know actually I could use a drink

Oh, yeah I'll get you one, honey

Did--did you--

Did you just call me "honey"?

Uh, cop talk

It's the way we talk at the precinct-- Honey, sweetie, Sarge

I'll get you a drink

Oh, my God! We need to talk

When were you gonna tell me you were dating freaky teeth guy?!

"Freaky teeth guy"?

You have no idea what you're getting yourself into

I'd help you but it's not my problem

Tell me about freaky teeth guy

Let's see

We got spinach dip, chives poppy seed bagel

and chocolate chip cookies

Uh, you got anything else?

Oh, I'll just bring it anyway in case we change our minds

You know, detective, I--

I have to confess

Um... at one point tonight when I was with you

I kind of forgot we were even looking for my laptop

I--I just felt like I was with you

You know what I mean?

I know what you mean

The Sarge at the precinct had an expression for it--

Chemistry

But you're not even gay

Guess I'm barking up the wrong tree

Woof!

Woof!

- You mean you're-- - Yes, I am

I'm not gonna lie about it anymore because there's one thing--

Don't touch the dip

Oh, I'm sorry. I just need to nosh when I'm nervous

Go on

No, well, you know, the first time I saw you when this investigation began

I wasn't sure--

I'm not kidding about the dip

Just--I just want a little bit

All right, Will

I want you to drop the bagel and step away from the dip

- Ok. Maybe just one cookie - Why'd you do that?!

- Problem, officer? - Oh!

What's the matter, detective?

Afraid you'll see some food in my teeth?

Just like you're afraid to ask guys out

so you make up some crazy story

in order to spend time with them?

Who told you that?

Let's just say I know a little bird who sang

Who?!

La la la la la. La la la la la La la la la la la-la la la?

There is no gay laptop ring, is there??

No

And cops don't call each other "honey"?

No

Or "sweetie"?

One does

Will, this is new to me You know, it's really hard

I've never dated before

Oh, please! You've already done the hard part

You came out

Now is when you're supposed to have a little fun

Don't do this to yourself

Just go and ask a guy out

The worst he can say is no

And even then you'll probably still get a little action

I mean, we are guys

That's good advice, Will Thank you

So is there anything you want to ask me?

I don't think so not with that crap on your teeth

Take care